Number 3
The Uchiha Clan
(Naruto & Naruto Shippuden)
Ray: Kinda cheating since problems with this family span several generations. But since they all come from the same bloodline, I’d say it counts.
Arkham: We’re not looking at the whole family (I already took way too much writing space talking about the Zabis), but the Uchiha have their fair share of seriously messed-up people. Two brothers, a father, a distant relative, and the asshole who basically started it all.
Ray: It’s kind of a bad sign when the very REASON some of these guys became as powerful as they are is through pain inflicted on themselves AND each other. Want the Sharingan eyes that will give you enhanced perception and muscle-memory? You gotta experience great trauma first.
Arkham: Want the more powerful Mangekyo Sharingan with extra abilities? Kill your best friend.
Ray: Want said power to be permanent with no ill side effects like impending blindness through overuse? Gouge out your own eyeballs and replace them with those of another Uchiha!
Arkham: Jeeeezus! That’s one hell of a way to do an eye transplant!
Ray: Trust me, that’s just the beginning. How bad are some of the individual family members?
Ray: Starting from the lowest man on the totem pole in terms of war-crimes, Fugaku didn’t just try to lead a violent revolt against Konoha (the Hidden Leaf Village for dub viewers), he fell victim to “playing favorites” with his oldest son, Itachi.
Arkham: Ugh, parental favoritism, again? Didn’t we see enough of that from the Le Domases and Zoldycks?
Ray: It turns out to be a huge mistake on Fugaku’s part. Itachi wanted no part of the “Uchiha Revolution”, knowing it would have killed hundreds of innocent people. When Fugaku caught wind of this, he actually switched favorites to his younger son Sasuke.
Itachi and Sasuke Uchiha, as kids.
Arkham: Fucking hell, at least Heihachi was consistent about which of his kids he hated!
Ray: As for their mother, she gets a pass because she either didn’t know about the plan or wanted no part of it. Then there’s Itachi, who got involved in convoluted political affairs and his own motivations to destroy whatever evil was plaguing the land. He stopped the Uchiha Revolution in the only way possible–by annihilating his entire clan in one night.
Arkham: Jesus Christ, how many families have we covered that involved them slaughtering each other!? And if I remember, Sasuke’s the only one who survived this, right?
Ray: Yes, and as you can predict, he does not take this well at all. His trauma from the genocide causes him to go on a crusade of revenge against his traitorous brother. But Sasuke’s no angel himself. He’s easily one of–if not the most–divisive character in Naruto. Here’s just a few examples of his sins:
– Emotionally/Physically abusing his teammate Sakura, who has a rather unhealthy crush on him.
– Abandoning and betraying his friends just for the sake of killing Itachi.
-Nearly killing his best friend and rival Naruto on several occasions.
Ray: And those are just the most obvious crimes. Yes, Sasuke eventually got his head out of his ass and rejoined the good guys. But by that time, he’d killed people, assaulted Gokage summit, brutally maimed his former “friends” several times, and MORE.
Arkham: But at least Sasuke has the excuse of having an abusive douchebag for a sibling and a favorite-playing father with towering expectations. For years, Itachi manipulated his own brother both emotionally and physically. Why? Because it was all a ploy to make Sasuke strong enough to defeat Orochimaru and Madara.
Orochimaru and Madara Uchiha
Arkham: Now, I understand those two are psychotic bastards in their own right, but is this really the best way to train someone to kill them!? Even his moment of redemption only occurred posthumously when he was brought back as a ninja-zombie.
Ray: There’s also Obito, a distant relative of the Uchiha Clan.
That is the most impractically designed mask ever.
Ray: After watching his best friend get murdered by another, Obito’s entire worldview became warped to the point of genocidal thoughts. He helped found the Akatsuki, unleashed the Nine-Tailed Fox Kurama upon the Hidden Leaf Village which would leave hundreds orphaned (including series protagonist Naruto himself) and would eventually go on to ignite the Fourth Great Shinobi War.
Arkham: You watch your friend die and you decide that’s reason enough to start a world war? I get that you’re angry, but this shit is taking it way too far.
Ray: And his end-goal? A completely demented project called the “Eye of the Moon” Plan.
Arkham: I haven’t gotten very far in Shippuden, so you’re gonna have to explain that one to me.
Ray: Imagine it as being trapped in the Matrix. Basically, Obito’s plan was to cast a Genjutsu called Infinite Tsukuyomi onto the moon. Doing so would hypnotize the whole world into an eternal trance, in which they would live in an endless dream world. And to ensure that no one ever breaks the spell, he would ensnare everybody in the roots of a giant, sentient tree called the God Tree. While the victims are stuck in their dream world, the God Tree slowly drains away their humanity, until they finally become emotionless zombies called “White Zetsu.”
Arkham: (Shocked and horrified) Trapping people inside an evil tree and stealing their souls!? Not even Poison Ivy would come up with a plan this insane! And what’s Obito’s endgame here!? Why does he think this is a good idea!?
Ray: In his very broken mind, Obito thinks he’s doing humanity a favor. Everyone can spend their lives in whatever fantasy they wish to live in as the God Tree slowly removes their memories, personalities, and dreams. His end goal is to create his own version of “paradise” free from things like hatred, prejudice, sorrow and fear.
Arkham: (Frustrated sigh) I played through Tales of Berseria. The main villains, Artorius and Innominant, had a very similar plan in which he wanted to create a utopia by turning people into emotionless zombies. By doing that, yes, they got rid of things like hatred and sorrow, but they also took away positive things like love and happiness!
Arkham: In the end, what you’re left with are mindless drones just carrying out tasks with no free will of their own! Is that the kind of life you’d want to live!?
Ray: Of course not! Nor would I wish that for anyone! Anyway, it was only thanks to the efforts of Naruto and the rest of Team 7 that it was ultimately thwarted. Obito himself had a small redemption when he sacrificed his life to save his friend Kakashi.
Arkham: Well, good for him I suppose. By the way, wasn’t there one more we were supposed to talk about?
Ray : Yes, the crown freaking jewel of them all: Madara Uchiha.
Ray: For a good portion of the story, he was the Big Bad alongside Orochimaru. If it weren’t for Kaguya, I would believe that Madara gave rise to the entire clan. He’s all of their sadism rolled into one and THEN SOME. He repeatedly showed he was willing to conspire against, manipulate, and massacre whole nations just to obtain higher levels of power, and somehow planned out his resurrection and neutralized any attempt to bring him down.
Arkham: Oh, fucking brilliant. So what’s his story?
Ray: As a child, Madara was best friends with a shinobi from the Senju clan named Hashirama. Their clans were constantly feuding with each other, often sending their youngest to die in battle. Madara and Hashirama both dreamed of an alliance between their clans that would end the cycle of violence between them. As they became adults, Madara and Hashirama ended up fighting in battle frequently. Hashirama won each time, but could never push himself to kill his best friend. Peace would be briefly formed, but Madara disapproved of Hashirama’s more peaceful methods, preferring “might is right” or “peace through force”. This inevitably drove them back at each other’s throats, where they would duel one last time. Hashirama prevailed, but Madara…I can only say “faked/rewrote” his death and went into hiding, forming his plan to end what he saw as a broken world.
Arkham: (Horrified) Oh, God……Don’t tell me!
Ray: Yes, Madara was the originator of the Eye of the Moon plan. Before he actually died, he entrusted the plan to Obito to carry it out. Madara would then be revived years later through the Unholy World Resurrection Technique, effectively bringing him back as an immortal zombie.
Arkham: How many times do I have to look up Narutopedia just to understand this?
Ray: Don’t worry, we’re almost done with this entry. You already know what happened after the Eye of the Moon plan was enacted. After it failed, Madara was betrayed by one of his allies, the Black Zetsu, who mortally wounded him to revive an ancient goddess named Kaguya Otsutsuki. And by the way, you know things are screwed when the only feasible way to defeat Madara was to literally sacrifice him to resurrect an evil god!
Arkham: Jesus Christ, I had no idea the Uchiha family tree spanned all the way back to Genesis! What, is there an Adam and Eve Uchiha that ate the forbidden fruit and started all this!?
Ray: Not far off the mark, actually. But trust me, I could make an entire rant about Kaguya here, but I think that’s a story for another time. The Uchiha Clan’s history of betrayal and murder goes back hundreds of years–deception, betrayal, and bloodshed are basically in their blood. There’s a reason why so many villains in the Naruto-verse share the same last name.
Number 2
House Lannister
(Game of Thrones)
Arkham: Game of Thrones. An epic and gritty HBO TV series spanning 8 seasons and just as many years.
Ray: Based on the book series by George R.R. Martin, don’t forget!
Arkham:…..And then the 2019 series finale completely fucked everything up and ruined the show in many people’s minds, but that’s neither here nor there. If you’ve never checked out the show or want to revisit it, I highly recommend you sign up on HBO MAX and watch it! I know the ending sucked, but I promise the other 90% of it is worth it!
Ray: Unfortunately, I don’t have HBO and don’t plan on getting it for a while. For now, I’ll settle for the Cliffnotes version. So, what can you say about House Lannister?
Arkham: Fuck, man. What can’t I say? I’m worried that I might make this another long one like the Zabis’ entry. But before I start on them, I need to give you a little backstory on the world of GoT and the central conflict.
Ray: (Grabs a bowl of popcorn) Lay it on me, then!
Arkham: (Inhales) So!……Game of Thrones takes place on the island of Westeros, a country made of several warring kingdoms and houses. The conflict centers on the island’s capital, King’s Landing. The House whose representative takes the throne there becomes king of all Westeros. All Houses in Westeros are constantly at war with each other for the throne for various reasons. So basically, it’s the world’s longest, most brutal Battle Royale game.
Ray: And who are the said competitors for the grand prize?
Arkham: You have the loyal and honorable House Stark led by Ned and later his son Jon; the outcast House Targaryen led by Daenerys; the famously wealthy and influential House Tyrell led by Lord Mace; the seafaring House Greyjoy led by Theon; and the focus of this entry, House Lannister, led by its ruthless and calculating patriarch, Lord Tywin.
Tywin Lannister, Lord of House Lannister.
Arkham: And since he’s the head of the family, we’ll start with him. Tywin, as I’ve already stated, is a cruel, calculating sociopath whose only goal is to have his House rule from the Iron Throne, whether it’s him or one of his children sitting upon it. His House became one of–if not THE wealthiest family in Westeros because of the vast gold mines they own. He’s so goddamn rich that some people even say he “shits gold.”
Ray: (Laughs) If that’s true, going to the bathroom must be a nightmare for him!
Arkham: Hey, I’d want a golden turd too if it means I never have to work for money again! Anyway, as wealthy as the Lannisters were, they had their fair share of problems. Tywin’s father, Tytos, wasted much of their House’s fortune on bad investments. Tywin deeply hated his father, not only because he was such a poor ruler, but because his antics made their family a laughingstock among the other Houses. Tytos was so hated that his own vassals, House Reyne, even tried to overthrow him! Tywin quickly put down the rebellion by slaughtering every member of House Reyne. This massacre was recorded in a song, giving a darker meaning to the family motto, “A Lannister always pays his debts.”
Ray: Oof….Remind me never to give a loan to this family. So, other than being a genocidal maniac, what else was Tywin guilty of?
Arkham: Actually, most of the Lannister family’s real crimes would be committed by Tywin’s children and grandchildren. Tywin married his cousin Joanna, and they gave birth to twins: brother and sister Jaime and Cersei. He would later have a second son named Tyrion, whom he grew to hate since his wife died right after giving birth to him. It also didn’t help that Tyrion was a midget (and WAY more hideously-deformed in the books, I’m talking Quasimodo levels of deformed), which Tywin saw as revolting.
Jaime and Cersei Lannister.
Arkham: Jaime is one of the lesser evils of the family. He’s Tywin’s eldest son and a member of the Kingsguard order of Knights. Unlike his father or Cersei, he always treated his midget brother Tyrion with a modicum of respect.
Ray: Well, I’m glad at least somebody in his family does. So, you said that he’s some sort of knight? Someone of his stature has to have some sense of nobility, right?
Arkham: Well, yeah. Jaime does have a strong sense of justice and loyalty. Unfortunately, him being a knight meant that Jaime wasn’t allowed to inherit his father’s land or titles, and his sister Cersei couldn’t inherit on account of her being a woman. That left their brother Tyrion who, again, their father hated.
Ray: Ah, the classic problems of royal lineage. I bet that led to a lot of awkward conversations at dinner.
Arkham: Oho, you ain’t even seen awkward yet! Y’know the twins, Jaime and Cersei? Guess what? (Pauses) They’re fucking!
Ray: (Looks shocked) Wait–WHAT!?
Arkham: You heard me! Jaime and Cersei have been in an incestuous relationship ever since they were children! Hell, the end of the very first episode shows them banging in one of the watchtowers while Bran Stark accidentally peeps on them. Jaime even attempts to kill the poor kid to keep their affair under wraps!
Ray: (Stammering incoherently) I—I know that incest is common in royal families, but that doesn’t mean we wanna see it!
Arkham: (Laughing) Welcome to Game of Thrones, BITCH!!! Jaime and Cersei’s twincest would lead to them having three children: Joffrey, Tommen, and Myrcella. They each took the last name of Cersei’s late husband, King Robert Baratheon.
From left to right:
Joffrey, Tommen, and Myrcella.
Arkham: Tommen and Myrcella aren’t as important to the story, so I’ll get them out of the way first. Tommen is the third and youngest child. He was generally a sweet and innocent boy with a good moral center. He’s also surprisingly intelligent for his age, which really comes into use when he eventually becomes king (more on that later). Unfortunately, Tommen was emotionally fragile, which made him an easy bullying target by his douchebag brother Joffrey (and trust me, we will get to him). His mother Cersei also took advantage of her youngest son, manipulating him whenever she got the chance. He would eventually be married to Margaery Tyrell, who became the love of his life. The two actually went on to have a happy, stable relationship together.
Ray: Well, that makes me happy for both of them. What about his sister?
Arkham: Myrcella is very much the same way. She’s a very sweet and loving girl who cares deeply for her family. So sweet that she’s good friends with Sansa, one of the members of House Stark, the Lannisters’ greatest rival. Like Tommen, she’s also a bit naive and a bit of a hopeless romantic. This would ultimately lead to her death, unfortunately. But we’ll get to that later. Right now, I want to talk about the Lannister kid that everyone loves to hate.
Arkham: Even if you’ve never watched or read Game of Thrones, there’s a good chance you’ve at least heard of this guy. Joffrey has been so rightly hated by both the characters and the audience that even his name has basically become a meme! Whether you love to hate him or just plain hate him, Joffrey is the kind of character you want to see lose in the end.
Ray: Oh, boy, here we go again. Might as well put him alongside Shinji Matou, Prince Clovis, and Gihren Zabi on the list of evil princes.
Arkham: I already mentioned that he’s a bully to his younger siblings, but it runs much deeper than that. Joffrey is like that snotty rich kid from high school who fails all his classes, gets drunk at strip clubs, and only gets by because of his parents’ money. He’s a spoiled, violent, dimwitted sociopath who cares only about his own pathetic ego. Basically, he’s Draco Malfoy from “Harry Potter”.
Arkham: Hell, he even looks like Draco.
Ray: They both have that irritatingly smug rich-boy grin that you just want to punch. So what did this kid do to earn so much ire from everyone?
Arkham: What hasn’t he done!? Joffrey was introduced from the very beginning in Season 1. He’s taken by his family to Winterfell, the domain of House Stark, where he meets his future wife and queen Sansa Stark. The first bit of character we get is when Tyrion asks why his nephew wasn’t paying respects to Bran after his fall left him crippled for life. Joffrey scoffs, “I can’t stand the wailing of women”, which gets him slapped down by his pissed-off uncle.
Ray: HA! Bet that taught him a lesson!
Arkham: He never learns it. Later that same episode, Joff caught Sansa, her sister Arya, and a butcher’s son named Mycah having a pretend swordfight. The little creep intimidates poor Mycah with a real sword before Arya attacks Joffrey to protect her friend. Enraged, Joffrey threatens to kill Arya, causing him to get bitten by her direwolf Nymeria. The twerp whines about it to his mommy Cersei while denying the fact that it was his own fault. She orders the wolf executed for attacking her son. Ned spares and releases Nymeria, before killing her sister Lady (who had nothing to do with the incident) in her place.
Ray: One episode and he gets an innocent animal killed for his own failures!?
Arkham: Yes, and it only gets worse. By the end of Season 1, King Robert Baratheon is mortally wounded from a hunting accident. By royal law, the title of king is passed to the oldest son after the current king’s death. Guess who gets the job?
Ray: (Also facepalms) The guy with absolutely no leadership skills whatsoever suddenly gets put in charge of a country? How could THIS go wrong?
Arkham: After King Robert’s death, Joffrey takes his seat at the Iron Throne and now rules all of Westeros. And what’s the first royal decree by King Joffrey? He has Ned Stark publicly executed on the false suspicion of treason, as his wife and Ned’s daughter Sansa is watching in terror! He later tortures Sansa by forcing her to look at her father’s severed head! Just for sick, sadistic pleasure! Again, all of this is in Season 1! We haven’t even got to the real shit yet!
Ray: (Groans exhaustedly)……..What does he do next?
Arkham: I think Tyrion nicely sums up Joffery’s tenure as king with this line…
Arkham: And unfortunately, Joffrey is just that: a vicious idiot. Like a certain 45th President (who’s sadly our 47th now because America sucks), Joffrey gets the idea that being a king entitles him to do whatever the hell he wants, consequences be damned. And he throws a childish tantrum whenever he doesn’t get his way or if someone calls him out. But in reality, Joffrey was just a puppet ruler who only thought he had power. The ones who were actually in charge were Tyrion, Cersei, and Tywin, the three heads of council. Of course, Joffrey was too much of a narcissistic twit to see that.
Ray: Were there any times when he actually got to use his power?
Arkham: Only when he’s using it to torture or execute people, which happened very often during his rule. Not only that, Joffrey was the type of person who doesn’t understand or care about the consequences of his actions. For instance, remember when he had Ned Stark executed? That caused House Stark to revolt against him, causing all of Westeros to go to war over the throne! Yes, Joffrey’s stupidity is the catalyst of the show’s entire conflict!
Ray: (Exhales) At this point, I’m not even surprised. I mean, we’ve seen several times on this list how one man’s idiocy can ruin everyone else’s life. So what else can we say about the Good King Joff?
Arkham: Honestly, I’m not sure what else I can say. Joffrey spends the rest of his onscreen time like he always does–executing people on a whim, bullying his fiance Sansa, and just being a general asshole. One of the most disturbing scenes I remember is when Joffrey had two concubines named Ros and Daisy visit him. He holds them at crossbow-point and forces one to beat up the other. Why? To send a message to his uncle Tyrion about what would happen to him if he ever gets in his business again.
Ray: (Horrified) GOOD LORD!!! This is a level of senseless barbarism that only Gangrel from Fire Emblem could match! Tell me he faces some consequences for his actions!
Arkham: Oh, trust me–he does. Later on, Joffrey and his entourage go out to King’s Landing, where they see off his sister Myrcella as she sails off to Dorne. They turn around to see a crowd of citizens furious at Joffrey because the war has caused a major food shortage. Instead of calming the crowd or getting the hell away, Joffrey orders his guards to execute them after one throws a cow pie in his face. The guards are easily overwhelmed and all hell breaks loose. Joff and Tyrion escape the chaos, and Tyrion gives his idiot nephew a good slapping for throwing a tantrum.
Ray: And a well deserved one, too! Especially since this whole war was his fault!
Arkham: (Smiles) You think that’s satisfying? Wait till you hear about how he dies! Joffrey’s final appearance was in “The Lion and the Rose” (Season 4, Episode 2). At this point, he had called off his betrothal to Sansa and decided to marry Margaery Tyrell instead. They hold a lavish feast on their wedding day and receive many gifts. One of Joffrey’s gifts is a golden chalice containing red wine. He takes one sip and suddenly falls to the floor, vomiting blood. As it turns out, the wine was spiked with a small dose of “The Strangler”, a rare poison that causes the victim to choke to death. Joffrey dies a slow, humiliating death as he violently asphyxiates. In his last moments, he points accusingly at Tyrion, who gave him the wine.
There were no tears that day. Only cheers and laughter.
Arkham: And so ends the short-lived but forever hated reign of Joffrey the Jerkoff.
Ray: I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again–GOOD FREAKING RIDDANCE!
Arkham: Savor this, because this is the highest point of this entry. We still have several other Lannisters to cover. Since I’ve gone on long enough as it is, I’ll just speedrun the rest.
Ray: Fair enough. I’ll imagine right now that Tyrion’s situation is looking pretty bad right now. Y’know, after having been framed for his nephew’s murder.
Arkham: You’re damn right about that! Tyrion had no knowledge of the poison or any intent to kill Joffrey, but it didn’t matter. He was quickly put on royal trial in front of nearly the entire population of King’s Landing. Angry and humiliated, Tyrion confesses that he didn’t kill Joffrey, but wishes he had because of how despicable his nephew was. He also calls out his father, siblings, and everyone else for mistreating him because he’s a dwarf. Held in contempt for the tirade, Tyrion demands a trial by combat so he can at least die on his own terms.
Ray: Man, props to Peter Dinklage for some fantastic acting! So, is Tyrion the next one to bite the dust?
Arkham: Incredibly, Tyrion actually wins the trial by combat and is exonerated of his crimes. At the end of the season, Tyrion takes Joffrey’s crossbow and assassinates his father Tywin in the best place possible: on the toilet.
Arkham: Now that there’s nothing left for him in King’s Landing, Tyrion stows away inside a crate that’s taken on a ship sailing to Essos. He would later defect to House Targaryen and become one of the top advisors to its matriarch, Queen Daenerys. He works with her to bring House Targaryen to the throne for the last three seasons.
Ray: Well, at least now he finally gets some amount of dignity back. What about the remaining Lannisters?
Arkham: As for Cersei, she was eventually exposed and arrested for having an incestuous relationship and for arranging the death of King Robert (by making him drunk on his last hunting day). Her son Tommen summons her to be taken to court at the Great Sept of Balor, the main place of worship in King’s Landing. Vindictive as ever, Cersei sends one of her men to blow up the entire church on the day of her trial, killing everyone inside. Including the wife of her son, Margaery. Tommen looks horrified at the atrocity before quietly jumping from a high tower, killing himself.
Arkham: His sister Myrcella also dies in an unrelated event, when she was poisoned aboard her father Jaime’s boat. In her last moments, she admits to Jaime that she always knew that she always knew of his and Cersei’s incest. But she holds no grudge against him for it and loves him anyway. The poison takes effect, and Myrcella dies in the arms of her weeping father.
Ray: (Sadly) Even the most innocent members of this house aren’t spared. It’s like watching the Zabi family all over again.
Arkham: (Nods) Indeed. With no heirs left, Cersei seizes the Iron Throne by force and becomes the new Queen of Westeros. She’s so begrieved by the deaths of her children that she becomes even more cruel and irrational. She relies on her brother/husband Jaime for support, but even he’s starting to turn against her after seeing what a monster she’s become. Cersei becomes desperate to keep him around that she even lies about being pregnant with yet another child!
Ray: (Shakes head) Now that’s just pathetic. You know your relationship’s hit rock bottom when you have to lie to keep it from breaking!
Arkham: You said it. And I’m getting sick of talking about this family so I’ll wrap it up quickly. By the eight and final season, a united army led by Houses Stark and Targaryen held off a massive invasion by the White Walkers, an army of ice zombies led by the Night King. With the White Walkers destroyed and the north forever safe, Daenaerys launches an attack on King’s Landing to take the throne and end the war once and for all. She flies in on her dragon, Drogon, incinerating the whole town and its residents to ashes.
The scene that killed Game of Thrones.
Ray: WHAT THE HELL!? Was this the scene that everybody was complaining about!?
Arkham: Yes, Ray. Yes it was. This show is no stranger to characters doing brutal things. The problem here was, Dany was such a beloved character at this point that it was jarring to see her go full-on supervillain all of a sudden.
Ray: No kidding! If Daenaerys was about to win anyway, did she even need to burn half of the capital to the ground!? Civilians included!?
Arkham: Let’s leave that for YouTube reviewers to decide. Anyway, Cersei is undoubtedly horrified at the carnage that Dany has wrought on the city. With her city in flames and army in flames, Cersei realizes that her reign is over. The dragon moves in on her castle and tears it down brick by brick. Cersei and Jaime meet each other one last time and die in each other’s arms.
Ray: Well, at least they died the way they lived–together in creepy, incestuous love. So I guess Tyrion is the only one left to take the throne?
Arkham: He was pretty much disowned by his family from the start, so no. Instead, he becomes the hand to King Bran of House Stark, after Daenaerys dies days before. With all of his family members except for him dead, House Lannister becomes all but extinct by the end of the show. At that point, Westeros would now be ruled by a council of nobles who will vote on the next monarch, in hopes to end the cycle of violence.
Ray: In that case, I wish all the luck to them. If HBO ever continues this show in a new form, I hope its ending is better received than the original’s.
Arkham: Well, it actually has happend!….Sort of. In 2022, HBO launched House of the Dragon, a prequel to Game Of Thrones set 172 years before the main series. It’s centered on the Targaryen family and all it’s political troubles. As of 2024, it finished its second season, with the next one planned for 2026.
Arkham: And lemme tell ya, these people deserve their own entry! It’s like coming from a fucked-up incestuous family is a requirement to be on this show!
Ray: Indeed, indeed. And it’s hard to believe that there’s one more weird, incestuous family that we’ve yet to cover! And trust me, they make all the royal families in Westeros look stable by comparison!
Arkham: (Sighs exhaustedly) Ohhhhh, I just can’t wait!
DEAR READER:
Arkham: If you’ve stuck with us up to now–first of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart, you absolute legend! It’s taken us YEARS to get to this point, and God knows how many hundreds of pages and thousands of words!
Ray: And second, you might be wondering by now–“You guys have covered eleven horrible families up to this point, and you’re still not done!? How can you possibly find one that tops the Brittanias, Zabis, Uchihas, and Lannisters!?” Trust me, out of all the awful, despicable, miserable excuses for families that we’ve covered, our Number One pick outshines them all in pure evil.
Arkham: But for now, let’s have a quick look at some “Dishonorable Mentions”–families that are still mostly awful, but have just enough redeeming qualities to be saved from being given a spot.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
The Griffins (Family Guy):
Ray: Abusive and…horrifically-dysfunctional as they are, it’s obvious that it’s played more for laughs than anything. And they have a tendency to take it waaaaay overboard. Often unnecessarily.
The Simpsons:
Arkham: For all their problems, the Simpsons remain semi-functional, and are way better off than the most of the above families ever will be. There are also many episodes where they DO show they legitimately care for each other.
Fire Lord Family (Avatar: The Last Airbender):
Ray: It’s really only Ozai and Azula who were the worst. Everyone else was either fine from the start or came around to the good side. Iroh was a kind, wise, and nurturing uncle, Ursa was a very gentle and nurturing mother, even to Azula (her name also means “bear”, likely pertaining to “mama bear”) and even Zuko eventually found love and acceptance with the Avatar’s group. Zuko himself turned out to be a much better Fire Lord than his father, restoring honor to the Fire Nation.
The Jenova Family (Final Fantasy 7):
Arkham: Jenova’s role complicates things and Lucrecia’s involvement is minimal, often unintentional and an act of desperation or emotional distress. Still, Hojo is a horribly-cruel father and scientist, and it all led to the birth of Final Fantasy VII’s greatest threat. Sephiroth is the true villain of this family, as his nihilistic delusions cause him to do horrendously evil things.
The Birkins (Resident Evil 2):
Ray: The father, Dr. William Birkin, shares the most blame for creating the G-Virus and trying to incubate his daughter. His wife helped, but ultimately tried to reverse it and opposed him. The daughter, Sherry, managed to escape her terrible family and found much better parents in Leon Kennedy and Claire Redfield.
The Four Houses Cult (Resident Evil Village):
Arkham: I swear to God, if we hadn’t started this list all the way back in 2019, these mutant abominations would’ve easily been given a spot–maybe even higher than the Bakers. If we ever do a sequel list of this, you can bet your ass they’re going in the Top 5!
The Wilkins (Invincible):
Honestly, it’s hard to decide if Mark Grayson (Invincible) or Eve Wilkins (Atom Eve) has the worse family. Sure Mark’s dad Omni-Man is a ruthless, violent, world-conquering sociopath, but that was mostly ingrained into him by his Viltrumite culture. And Mark has a wonderful, supportive mother in Debbie and a mostly good-natured little brother in Oliver.
Eve, meanwhile, lives with an abusive, sexist buffoon of a dad and a weak-willed mom who does nothing to support her daughter. In that sense, I think Eve has a slightly worse family than Mark’s.
Arkham: Alright! We’ve made it this far, and we’re almost at the last stop! The next entry, we’ll cover the final, most toxic, most insane, most despicable fictional family of this list!
Ray: Buckle in, folks, because the last entry makes all the ones we’ve covered look perfectly normal by comparison! Until next time, stay awesome!
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