Number 12
The De Santas
(Grand Theft Auto V)
Arkham: You know you’re in for a hell of a ride when the least messed-up family on this list comes from freaking Grand Theft Auto!
Ray: A game series renowned for vulgarity, crime, drug-trade and carjacking is at the bottom of the list? We are in for a ride, aren’t we? I’m gonna let you take the reins on this one. My familiarity with these games is VERY spotty at least.
Arkham: Don’t mind if I do. While they are the most stable on this list, that really doesn’t say much at all. The whole family consists of a dad who’s a washed-up bank robber just now getting back into crime; a cheating mom who resents her husband; a useless son who embodies every negative gamer stereotype in the book; and a spoiled daughter who wants to become a porn actress.
Ray: Clearly an example of a functional family. What could possibly go wrong?
Arkham: The answer: EVERYTHING.
Michael De Santa: American Asshole.
Arkham: Michael De Santa’s original name was Michael Townley. He lived most of his life in a trailer park with an abusive alcoholic dad who abandoned him before high school. As a teenager, Mike started his life of crime when he committed his first robbery, stealing over $10,000. He would wind up in prison twice by the time he became 20. Nevertheless, he turned out to be a pretty efficient bank robber, and even started a gang with his pals Lester, Trevor, and Brad.
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Arkham: In 2004, Michael cut a deal with the FIB (the GTA version of the FBI) to betray his gang and fake his own death, allowing him and his family to live a luxurious life in Los Santos. BUUUUUT, Mikey was never much of a family man. Between his cheating wife and obnoxious children (we’ll get to them in a bit), his self-loathing issues, and mid-life crises, he’s a pretty pitiable guy.
Ray:……Oh, boy. And this guy’s the protagonist?
Arkham: One of three, anyway. You also play as Franklin and Trevor, and those guys aren’t exactly angels themselves.
Amanda practicing the “cheating skank” pose.
Arkham: (Groans loudly) I hate, hate, HATE this bitch! Amanda De Santa was a stripper who had a longtime affair with Michael. The two got married and moved to Los Santos after Michael’s deal with the FIB. Over the years, Michael and Amanda’s relationship soured to the point that they can no longer stand each other. Mikey tried to bury his woes with booze, hookers, and therapy, while Amanda took up yoga and tennis (while taking some “extra lessons” in bed.)
Ray: What a beautiful, healthy couple they are. But why do you hate Amanda so much?
Arkham: Because aside from being a selfish bitch, she’s a total hypocrite. She berates Michael for robbing banks and hitting nightclubs (which are valid complaints), but she has no problem cheating on her husband and committing petty theft herself. Not only that, but Amanda unintentionally set off the chain of events that led Michael back into crime.
Ray: How in the world did she manage that?
Arkham: She was banging her tennis coach, which made Mike go berserk and demolish the guy’s house. Except, the house was actually owned by a Cartel boss named Martin Madrazo. So now Michael has to pay for all the damages he made to the guy’s house, or else Madrazo will kill him. So basically, Michael is in debt to the Meso-American mob because his wife was sleeping with another man.
Ray: (Unimpressed beyond belief) Wow. That’s just…..incredibly lame.
Arkham: It doesn’t end there, either. Amanda is seen in a later mission getting felt up by her yoga teacher.
Ray: And I thought Peter and Lois Griffin had a hopeless marriage.
What Hollywood thinks that all gamers are.
Arkham: Jimmy is an embarrassment to gamers and millennials everywhere. A spoiled, whiny turd of a son, Jimmy spends most of his days playing first-person shooters while cussing loudly like a 12-year-old playing GTA Online.
Ray: Try “in any online chatroom to begin with” and you’re spot-on. Also, gotta love the image of him flipping off the girl, who I assume is his sister.
Arkham: When he’s not in his room pwning noobs on Righteous Slaughter, Jimmy pulls incredibly stupid stunts that gets himself and others in danger.
Ray: Dangerous stunts in Grand Theft Auto? Surely, you jest. Like what?
Arkham: For starters, the dipshit tried to sell his dad’s boat to some drug dealers, only to get kidnapped when they decided to steal it instead. Mike and his driver Franklin rescued Jimmy’s dumb ass, but lost the boat.
Ray: I don’t know what’s stupider, the fact that he tried to sell a boat for drug money, or that he tried to sell a boat for drug money!
Arkham: In a much later mission, Jimmy hands Michael a drink that he secretly laced with PCP. Mike gets knocked out, allowing his shitbag son to run off with his car and some of his money.
Ray: What. An. Ass.
Arkham: You said it. Funny thing, one of my favorite scenes in the game is when Mike smashes his son’s TV.
Ray: Much as I don’t like seeing people’s property getting broken, that was really satisfying. Anyway, time to talk about the daughter.
Arkham: (Whining) Do I have to?
Ray: Yes, unfortunately.
America’s Got Talent (but this chick doesn’t).
Arkham: Arguably the most annoying of them all, Tracey is a spoiled, wannabe starlet who wants to get in the shallow, futile existence that is Los Santos fame. One of the first times we see her is when she’s hanging out with some porn producers on an expensive boat. Needless to say, Michael wasn’t too pleased.
Ray: Hey, would you want your underage daughter to start a career as a porn actress?
Arkham: She’s actually 22.
Ray: Oh. Even then…
Arkham: When he tries to steal his daughter back, Mike and Tracy got in a jet ski chase by pissed-off producers.
Ray: With guns!? Are both of Michael’s kids on a mission to put their father in stupidly dangerous situations!?
Arkham: Like you said, it wouldn’t be GTA without stupid, death-defying stunts. And of course, Tracey isn’t grateful, nor does she learn anything. She tries again to become famous by auditioning in Fame or Shame, where she (badly) does a slutty lapdance.
Ray: (Embarrassed facepalm).
Ray: Man, what a miserable prick.
Arkham: You said it. Trevor is a piece of work himself, but he’s right. Los Santos IS full of douchebags! That pathetic loser Lazlow tried to offer another spot on his show for Tracey..….if she blows him.
Ray: Oh, please tell me that didn’t actually happen!
Arkham: Oh, it didn’t. Mikey made sure of that.
Ray: Serves that pervert right. I hope for his sake they have damn good laser tattoo removal in Los Santos.
Arkham: But in the end, Tracey ended up becoming famous after all, by singing a pop song about her daddy issues. And……..she’s actually pretty good at it.
Ray: Third time’s the charm, I guess. I just hope it’s not 15 minutes of fame for her.
Arkham: Overall, the De Santas are the quintessential example of a rich American family–too much money and too little brains. The only reason they’re at Number 12 is because they’re merely dysfunctional, while the rest are either abusive at best, and tyrranical at worse. And they each come out relatively okay at the end.
Ray: A reminder, though–this is the BOTTOM of the list. We’re just warming up, folks.
Arkham: By the way, this is a little off topic, but there’s this fanfiction I read where the main cast of RWBY plays through GTA V. It’s funny as hell, and I really recommend you guys check it out! It’s called Grand Theft RWBY V, and the author’s name is lakero45. It’s even better if you read it while playing a video walkthrough of the game in the background.
Ray: Really? I might have to check it out, then.
Arkham: Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. We got 11 more garbage families to cover.
Number 11
The Higashikata Family
(JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: JoJoLion)
Arkham: Sitcom families are generally wacky, over-the-top, and comically dysfunctional. They usually range from mildly quirky to outright abusive, but it’s usually presented in a comedic way for the audience. We were going to put either the Simpsons or the Griffins in this category. But Ray knows of a family that makes both of them look model by comparison!
Ray: And they come from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure of all places! In particular, the Higashikata family from “JoJoLion”. HOO-BOY, brace yourselves, people. THIS family is a real doozy.
Arkham: The Higashi…..Hisaga…..Shigash….Dammit!
Ray: (Slowly) He-Gosh-Kah-Tahs.
Arkham: Right, thanks! They come from Part 8 of the series, which–according to you, anyway–is one of the weakest arcs.
Ray: Not “one of”, my friend. THE weakest! And that’s not just my opinion. I’m pretty confident that most of the fanbase shares my sentiment.
Arkham: Yeesh. Why’s that the case?
Ray: Well, there’s the convoluted plot, plodding pace, overabundance of aimless plot-points and side-characters, and “what the hell” abilities even on JoJo standards. But its biggest sin lies in its obnoxious, boring, and generally unlikable characters, and a good chunk of them reside in this family.
Arkham: From what I’ve studied, the Higashis (and I’m gonna call them that from now on), are basically what would happen if you take all the worst parts of the Griffins from Family Guy, give them BS superpowers up the ass, and make them a constant nuisance to series protagonist Josuke.
Ray: This isn’t strictly-limited to mildly-annoying the current JoJo (though they do that plentily). Sometimes they will flat-out antagonize him AND impede him in his quest! And that really doesn’t help since Josuke’s a freaking amnesiac! I repeat, he has amnesia, they adopted him as a member of the family and they STILL find some way to screw him over on a regular basis!
Ray: Grandpa Norisuke is constantly keeping secrets even when the greater good is at stake (though his reasons are understandable). His wife Kaato served 15 years in prison for murdering a child that was bullying her son, then turned up to antagonize most of her family, and only did a good deed at the very end of JoJoLion’s run by dealing the killing blow to the big-bad.
Seriously, did these two drink from the Fountain of Youth?
Arkham: Wait, those are the grandparents? Why do they look so young and…..hot?
Ray: It’s the world of JoJo. Some of the cast ages remarkably-well. Look at Joseph, who was well into his sixties in Part 3 or Jotaro, who was over 40 by Part 6.
With that hair and that makeup, I’m not surprised Jobin’s a complete psycho.
Ray: Jobin ranges from self-destructive levels of overly-protective to “obsessive man-child with a thing for stag beetles and bloody revenge murder”. Also, when someone outside the family offers to help his terminally-sick kid? He just decides to try and kill them because (get this) he wants to be the family hero!
Arkham: Sounds about as bad as his choice of wardrobe. Dude dresses like a hermit crab at a Linkin Park concert.
Ray: His wife, Mitsuba, is also extremely careless, irrational, and hopelessly gullible to the point that she’s about as dangerous as a chimpanzee with a flamethrower. Disaster will occur, and it will be awful. Mitsuba was even willing to endanger the life of her unborn child through the use of a magic fruit JUST so she could get perkier breasts.
Arkham: (Smacks forehead) Seriously!? Lady, there’s an easier and legal way to get a boob job! It’s called “SAVING MONEY!!!” Hell, even Mitsy from Shin Chan understood that!
Ray: More recently, she even let her husband smooth-talk her into just letting him try to kill someone…WHO WAS TRYING TO HELP THEIR SICK KID.
Is it me, or does Hato in the middle look like Scarlett Johansson?
Ray: Daiya has the personality of an obsessive middle-schooler addicted to flirting with boys (and I mean addicted in the most concerning way possible). Hato will sleep with any man just to get a leg up even when that man is trying to KILL HER FAMILY not even a day later. And Joshu is just…the WORST.
Arkham: And just how is he worse than a woman who will risk her baby’s life for breast implants?
Ray: Because he antagonizes his own adopted brother, Josuke, and will throw him under the bus for the stupidest reasons imaginable even on his family’s standards…because they don’t exist and it’s totally him being delusional. He’s also so obsessed with getting laid that he would grope his own long-lost MOTHER after not seeing her for years (whether or not it was sexual harassment or an attempt to humiliate her in front of the family, I leave up to you because both are awful acts either way). And not long after wanting to sacrifice something to protect a girl he claims to love, he’s screaming bloody murder the minute he realizes what he’s gotten himself into.
Arkham: Jesus Christ, Sigmund Freud would have a field day with this guy.
Yes, that is in fact, a boy.
Ray: Even the youngest member, Tsurugi, is pretty dislikable. He’s just so dead-set on being the center of attention even when he’s using his own Stand Power to drive everyone around him insane. LITERALLY. We get it, you’re sick with a disease and everyone’s trying to find a cure, but could you show a LITTLE humility, ya little brat?!
Arkham: (Looks at the image closely) Wait, that kid’s a BOY?!
Ray: Trust me, that’s one of the less bizarre things in this series. Long story short? Josuke would likely be done with his adventure in half the manga’s runtime if not for his idiot stepfamily. The only person who’s been a legitimate help to him is Yasuho, who’s completely unrelated to them by the way, but she’s just as victimized by this family as he is and dragged into several dangerous scenarios as a result.
Arkham: There’s really no escaping these douchebags, is there? I haven’t gotten that far into JoJo (as of this writing, I just finished Stardust Crusaders). But the way you’re describing it, I’m really not looking forward to this arc.
Ray: You’ll be in for a ride, I’ll tell you that much.
Number 10
The Matou Family
(Fate/Stay-Night)
Arkham: There’s a lot of examples of violent power struggles between family members here. And the Matous are only the first.
Ray: They may take the third-lowest spot here, but that doesn’t make them any more pleasant or moral. Hundreds of years ago, three families sought out the source of all magic–the Einzberns, the Tohsakas, and the Makiris. The third of those families would actually go on to change their titles to the Matous in an attempt to go into hiding and blend in with their new Japanese HQ.
“Something, something, something, DARK SIDE.“
Arkham: And they’re all under the patriarchy of Zouken Matou, who looks like Emperor Palpatine if he somehow returned from the dead AGAIN and caught an even nastier skin disease.
Ray: Here’s the sick part. Do you wanna know the Matou Rite of Passage for becoming a worthy leader of the family?
Arkham: (Flippantly) What, do you give him his medication every day? Or listen to one of his stories without falling asleep?
Ray: He throws you into a pit of flesh-eating worms until you’re numb from the pain.
Arkham: (Shocked silence)
Ray: And leaves you there.
Arkham: (Afraid to ask) For like….how long? A week? A month?
Ray: For a year!
Arkham: (Apalled) What the fu–wait! That little girl that was thrown in there–what’s her name again?
Ray: Sakura. Sakura Matou.
Arkham: And how old was she when this happened to her?
Ray: Considering Fate/Zero took place 10 years before the original Fate/Stay Night series? …Around 5 to 7 years old.
Arkham: (Disgusted and angry) Tell me……..Does Zouken die?
Ray: In some timelines. His plans to acquire the Holy Grail go up in smoke, and he ends up killed by Kirei Kotomine or Sakura herself.
Arkham: (Satisfied) Good riddance. Fucker. (Exhales) So what about the rest of his family?
Ray: Zouken’s son, Byakuya, is kind of the run-of-the-mill neglectful dad, but he’s not worth writing home about. In fact, the most we really see from him is when Kiritsugu Emiya is holding him at gunpoint with him barely able to string words together. BUT! The Matous have another gold medalist craplord, and he comes in the form of the family grandson, Shinji.
Arkham: (Laughing at the obvious joke)
Ray: No, not Shinji Ikari! Shinji Matou!
Arkham: C’mon, when am I ever gonna have another chance to use that GIF?
Ray: (Groans)
Any guy with that shit-eating grin deserves to get backfisted.
Ray: Shinji Matou is a spineless, talentless loser, and he knows it. The little twerp bullies Sakura nonstop because she’s subconsciously a better mage than he’ll ever be. He’ll brow-beat her into handing over her servant, Rider/Medusa, hold her at KNIFEPOINT just to threaten Shirou and Rin, and…(shudders) rapes her repeatedly in more than one continuity.
Arkham: Whatever did poor Sakura do to deserve all this bullshit!? Tell me Shinji gets his comeuppance too!
Ray: Oh, boy does he. Lancer here does exactly what everyone wants to do to this blue-haired git…
Arkham: (Laughs) Backfist to the face, Ganondorf-style! I love it! Is it me, or does anime really seem to hate guys named Shinji?
Ray: Sakura is the only good member of this sordid family…and she’s freaking ADOPTED. But it turns out even she has a dark side to her. When Shinji pushes her over the edge, she turns into Dark Sakura–a magical juggernaut of unimaginable power, a lust for bloodshed towards all who wronged her (and some who hadn’t) and a long list of SERIOUS anger issues.
RUN. FUCKING RUN.
Arkham: Reminds me of when I wrote Trigon Raven’s character in my “Raven vs. Shanoa” Death Battle from years ago.
Ray: Given her current state of living? It’s really hard to blame her. Last but not least, let’s not forget that about Kariya. The outcast of the family…
Ray: He started out as a nice enough guy and actually wanted to save Sakura from the fate that Zouken subjected her to. Admirable, right?
Arkham: (Cynical) What’s the catch? There’s always a catch to this kind of thing.
Ray: He does this by taking part in the Grail War and taking parasitic worms into his flesh, which drastically shorten his lifespan.
Arkham: The Matous have a really weird and disgusting fetish for worms!
Ray: Indeed. Anyway, upon acquiring Berserker/Lancelot, Kariya becomes so convinced that he has the strongest Servant that he becomes obsessed with killing Sakura’s REAL father, Tokiomi Tohsaka. His power fantasy gets to the point where he fruitlessly attacks Tokiomi even when doing so only hurts himself…and when someone else snuffed Toki just to frame him, he strangles his childhood friend-seemingly to DEATH-out of pure rage. With nothing left to lose or live for, he just withers away, having fought a lost cause and having saved nobody, and becomes nothing more than worm food. Kariya isn’t as bad as his grandfather or nephew, but he sank to too far a depth for Sakura and he ultimately paid the price.
Arkham: There really is nobody spared in this family of freaks, is there?
Ray: No, there really isn’t. If you’re unlucky enough to be born into the Matou family, you’re doomed to a life of physical abuse and psychological torment. And you’ll be lucky to come out of it even halfway sane.
Number 9
The Zoldyck Family
(HunterXHunter)
Arkham: I haven’t seen HunterXHunter in a long time, so you’re gonna have to take the lead on this one.
Ray: Don’t worry, I’ll make this one as short as possible. Anyway, you ever wonder what the childhood of an assassin is like? Not as in doing the job itself, but more like the kind of upbringing you would get from the people around you.
Arkham: Well, I’ve played Assassin’s Creed. Most of the Brotherhood have turned out surprisingly decent people, like Ezio, Connor Kenway, and even his grandfather Edward.
Ray: Trust me, those guys are the lucky ones. It’s an entirely different story if you’re a child in an assassin family from the Shonen genre. From the very beginning, we all knew something was up with young Killua Zoldyck.
Ray: On the surface, he seems like an ordinary kid. A bit standoffish and quick to get bored, but he seems like an alright guy. That all changed when we see him first see him in action. He has a superhuman tolerance for pain, poison, and even electrocution. He massacres entire buildings full of deadly assassins like they’re amateurs, and is even strong enough to rip a guy’s heart out like he’s performing a Mortal Kombat fatality!
Arkham: (Strangely impressed) Dude…..That’s actually pretty fucking metal! Can you imagine how epic it would be if Killua was in a DBX against Young Link? Better yet, Hyrule Warriors Young Link!
Arkham: I think I’ll call it, “Boys on the Battlefield.”
Ray: Catchy title. And I admit, that would make for a pretty wild episode! But back on track–the reason Killua became such a force of terror is because his family trained him to be the ultimate assassin in their family. Unfortunatley for them, it worked out too well. Killua eventually became bored of living under the control of his parents. He betrayed his family and ran away, and eventually became a contestant in the Hunter Exams just for fun.
Arkham: Honestly, who could blame him? If this wasn’t an anime, the Zoldycks would get Child Protection banging on their front door.
Ray: If only that happened to begin with. Anyway, Killua would soon be partnered with Gon Freecss, one of the other Hunter Exam participants. Gon’s friendly and optimistic nature helped Killua to discover his kinder side, and the two grew to become best friends through their shared experiences.
Arkham: Well, I’m happy for them both. Killua deserves a happy, healthy friendship after the hell that his family put him through. Speaking of which, what kind of sick bastards was he even raised by, anyway?
Ray: I’m happy you asked, because I was just about to start. The first clue we had about Killua’s disturbing family life came in the form of this guy, Gittarackur…And he’s–well, I’ll let you see for yourself.
Arkham: (Visibly disgusted and confused) What the fuck am I lookin’ at!? What is he, a human pincushion? It’s like if Pinface from became a serial killer with a shitty mohawk!
If you understood this reference, please tell us in the comments.
Arkham: Just who the hell is this freakshow anyway?
Ray: He first appears as another contestant in the Hunter Exams, albiet a very bizarre and fugly one. Throughout the story, he’s seen in the background, assisting Killua and Gon’s rivals or murdering other competitors for unknown reasons. Near the end of the exams, Gittarackur was placed in a one-on-one fight against Killua for the hunter license. At that point, Gittarackur decided it was time to reveal his true identity
Arkham: Wait–his true identity?
Ray: That’s right! You know grotesque acupuncture needles he wears on his face? Those are full of Nen, the innate life energy that all HxH characters possess (think Chakra from the Naruto-verse). Gittarackur placed all those needles on himself to maintain his disguise. Heck, even his name isn’t his real one!
Arkham: (Impatiently) Well then, who the hell is he!?
Ray: You wanna know? Watch what happens when he pulls those needles out. I’ll warn you though, it’s even more disgusting when he removes them.
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Arkham: (Shocked and disgusted) Jesus Christ! Thank God I didn’t have lunch yet! Just what did Gittarackur just turn into?
Ray: He turns out to be Killua’s big brother–another dangerous assassin called Illumi Zoldyck.
Arkham: Not gonna lie, if you hadn’t just told me, I would have thought this guy was Killua’s sister. I kind of wish he was, honestly.
Ray: Ignoring his somewhat feminine features and creepy-as-hell stare, Illumi is a sociopath who’s both emotionally and psychologically manipulative of his little brother. Both of them were taught be their father to find pleasure only in killing others. And unlike with Killua, the lessons stuck with Illumi. Strangely, Illumi actually does loves and cares for Killua. But the problem is, this manifests in an overprotective nature that makes him Illumi do extreme things to keep his brother safe.
Arkham: Such as?
Ray: Let’s see…(Counting on his fingers) Threatening to murder Killua’s best friend Gon if he doesn’t fight him. Forcing Killua to be disqualified from the first real tournament arc in the series. Planting a Nen-infused needle inside Killua’s brain to remotely keep him obedient
Arkham: Blackmail, forced loss, and mind control!? How is any of this a display of love for his brother? All it’s gonna do is make him grow feelings of resentment! What about the rest of their family? I can only imagine they’re just as depraved, if not more.
Ray: You would be correct. But I’ll go through each of them quickly, since they have less involement in the plot.
Ray: Kikyo, the mom in the Cyclops visor, is probably where Illumi got his abusive overprotectiveness from. She’s a deeply disturbed and malicious woman who’s obsessed with helping her youngest son Killua reach his full potential as an assassin. She’s so depraved that she’s actually delighted when she watches her son murder innocent people. Kikyo will also throw violent tantrums if someone calls out her sadistic parenting skills.
Arkham: Any reason she’s dressed like if Robocop was dressed as a mummified Victorian English lady?
Ray: The bandages are to cover up her scars when Killua attacked her as he ran away from the family. As for the metal visor……it’s never really explained, although it can act as a comms device.
Ray: Remember Jimmy De Santa from earlier? Milluki is like if you took all of Jimmy’s immaturity and added in malice. He’s the second oldest son behind Illumi, and is a selfish, immature coward who takes pleasure in others’ suffering. He’s also deeply jealous of his talented younger brother Killua, leading to deep hatred between them. In fact, in his very first appearance, Milluki is seen flogging Killua as punishment for running away!
Arkham: That sadistic piece of shit! I’d like to strangle Milluki with that whip!
Ray: Who wouldn’t? It wouldn’t be hard to do it since Milluki has next to zero fighting skills. He is however, a highly skilled hacker and inventor, which is pretty much the only reason his family even keeps him around. He’s so good that he invented the Yo-Yos that Killua used as weapons when he retook the Hunter Exams.
Arkham: Wait–I thought Milluki hated him? Why would he invent weapons for him to use?
Ray: I doubt he did it willingly. He probably only made them because he was ordered to by his parents or older brother.
Arkham: Fair point.
Ray: And like Jimmy, he’s also a pretty unflattering stereotype of gaming and otaku culture. He spends his days reading manga or playing video games, and even has a figurine collection that he’s particularly obsessed with–to the point that he even threatens to kill Killua if he even touches it!
Arkham: Seriously, what is it with these games and shows giving the finger to their target audiences!? Didn’t Hunter X Hunter start off as a manga series? Why would they deliberatly make a character to make fun of their readers?
Ray: Maybe it’s to serve as a warning not to become the stereotype? I dunno.
Ray: Finally we come to daddy dearest, Silva, the source of all the evils in the Zoldyck household.
Arkham: It should be a rule in manga that anyone with that hair and those eyebrows is guaranteed to be a bad guy!
Ray: Indeed. Silva has the mentality of an emotionally abusive father. He’ll treat Killua nicely for a time and even allowed him to let him leave on his own while the rest of his family objected.
Arkham: Not out of the goodness of his heart, I’ll bet.
Ray: Not at all! Right before Killua leaves, Silva whispered behind his back, “You’ll be back. They always come back”. He wasn’t bothered about Killua running away because he knew that he’d eventually return–whether by free will or force. Not only that, he signed his youngest son into a fighting tournament with expert martial artists just to toughen him up. How old was Killua?…..Six years old!
Arkham: (Shocked) Jesus! I was still in Kindergarten when I was six! I wasn’t even a White belt in Tae Kwon Do until I was in Second Grade!
Ray: And this is in the EARLIEST stages of the series! He only gets much worse from then on!
Arkham: Oh, God. How much farther does this get? What about grandpa and the other siblings?
Ray: Surprisingly, they’re actually fine.
Arkham: (Looks confused) Wait, what? I was expecting grandpa to be the worst of ’em all.
Arkham: Hell, his hair and eyebrows are even eviller than Silva’s. Not to mention the Fu Manchu moustache.
Ray: Despite looking like he’s constantly scheming something awful, Zeno is actually a decent man–at least compared to his son and grandchildren. He actually suggested releasing Killua when Gon and the gang went looking for him, even when the rest of the family opposed it (save Silva). And the other two siblings are also pretty alright in that they’ve never outright opposed Killua or his friends either.
Ray: Killua’s sister, Alluka, is a sweet and purehearted girl who loves her brother in a genuine way. By the end of the series, she becomes BFFs with him and Gon.
Arkham: (Smiles in relief) Huh. That’s…nice, actually. Thank God this has somewhat of a happy ending. Killua deserves a healthy, supportive relationship after the hell his “family” put him through.
Ray: And rightly so. I could also talk about the butlers of the family since they’re no Alfred Pennyworths themselves. But I think that’s a story for another list. For now, we got eight more repulsive families to beat down.
Number 8
The Mishima Clan
(Tekken)
Arkham: Tekken is freaking NUTS!!! It’s one of my all-time favorite fighting game franchises, known for its crazy characters, its tight yet intuitive gameplay, beautiful music, and an intense storyline.
Ray: What other game lets you have street fights between a kangaroo with boxing gloves and a 370lb assassin robot? Or a jaguar-headed wrestler and a samurai in a squid helmet?
Arkham: But beneath all the insane awesomeness lies a long, gruesome story of betrayal, heartbreak, and revenge. At the crux of the Tekken storyline lies the Mishima Clan, owners of the powerful Mishima Zaibatsu corporation.
Ray: And they would not be on this list if there wasn’t any seriously-dark stuff going on behind-the-scenes. I could go on a tangent about old man Heihachi ALONE. The guy throws his five-year-old son into a ravine (and later into a volcano), his grandson out of a helicopter–okay, this man’s WAY too obsessed with throwing his descendants off of things. Then he pulls the mother of all dick moves by blowing millions to launch both of them and his own father into space on a frickin’ ROCKET…but when his pet bear is turned into a cub by the Pandora Cube, he won’t even THINK about harming it?! Heihachi should’ve forgone kids and just bought a puppy!
Arkham: And it’s not like he’s a saint otherwise, either. Heihachi has found ways to screw over most of the cast of Tekken in some shape or form, and he’s so universally-despised by everyone that the only combatant that would willingly team up with him in “Street Fighter X Tekken” is KUMA–the aforementioned “pet bear”.
Ray: But what about the rest of his family? Heihachi’s father, Jinpachi…was actually a pretty great guy and a fair patriarch to the Mishima clan, even being quite nurturing to both his son and his grandson.
Arkham: But Heihachi, being the total douchewad he is, pulled a few strings to get his father impeached and imprisoned. Jinpachi dies, but then gets possessed by an evil spirit, comes back from the dead, and transforms into THE CHEAPEST MOTHERFUCKER IN ALL OF TEKKEN!!!
Tekken fans all over the world just started weeping.
Arkham: (Starts convulsing violently) FIREBALLS! STUN ATTACKS! HEALTH DRAINS!
Ray: (Concerned) Dude! Are you okay?
Arkham: Sorry. I just had Vietnam flashbacks of fighting this asshole on Tekken 5.
Arkham: (Miserably) The horror…….The horror……
Ray: (Holds Arkham’s shoulder) Why don’t you rest for a bit? Anyway! Heihachi’s greed and pursuit of power is enough to worry his own wife, Kazumi, a tiger-riding femme fatale. And what does she do in fear of this behavior? Hire Street Fighter’s own Akuma to try and kill him!
Ray: I mean, I can’t blame her, but surely there are subtler ways to do it than to sic a demonic martial artist on him? Couldn’t she have poisoned his sake bottle instead?
Arkham: (Takes a deep breath) So, Heihachi’s pretty much the catalyst of the entire Tekken plotline, but did his kids turn out any better than him? Yes…and no.
Arkham: After getting thrown into the ravine as a kid and reaching the brink of death, Kazuya awakened his latent Devil Gene abilities. And if he enters the Devil Gene form, he becomes a raging, bloodlusted monster that he barely has any control over.
Ray: Fun Fact! The Devil Gene didn’t originate with Heihachi, but his wife Kazumi. Weird, isn’t it? And, after winning the first Tekken Tournament, he returns the favor and throws Heihachi into the same ravine. Sounds good, right?
Arkham: Turns out Kazuya wanted to beat dear old dad so he could inherit the Mishima Zaibatsu…and do everything Heihachi did, but WORSE. His methods would go on to include kidnapping, extortion, smuggling of endangered species, and flat-out trying to conquer the Hokkaido region of Japan.
Ray: But of course, Heihachi returned, wrested control of Zaibatsu back from Kazuya (and Jin in some cases), and the two were back at each other’s necks again.
Arkham: Also, if you’re thinking Kazuya was a better father to his own son, Jin Kazama, you’re dead-wrong again. Turns out he’s not too fond of his son because he possesses the Devil Gene himself–a fragment of it that got separated from him years ago and he can’t get it back because of his Kazama blood. He doesn’t hate Jin as much as Heihachi, but he’s still WAY too comfortable with beating the shit out of him by the time of Tekken 7.
Arkham: And as for Jin Kazama himself? After losing his mother, Jun Kazama, he sought out his grandfather, who taught him the Mishima fighting style. Bad decision on Jin’s part. Turned out Heihachi was trying to use his grandson’s latent Devil Gene powers to lure out the Aztec god, Ogre, so he can absorb the monster’s power and become all-powerful.
Ray: And if you want to see how far Heihachi’s willing to go, just watch the Netflix anime.
Ray: And it doesn’t stop there! When Jin killed Ogre in a fit of rage, Heihachi had him gunned down again, activated the same Devil Powers, and caused Jin to go on a violent conquest to try and destroy the Devil Gene. All with the goal on ending the senseless violence in his family.
Arkham: That’s it!? What’s the point of ending the bloodshed in his family if he’s just gonna keep making more of his own?
Ray: That’s just how desperate Jin has become. After being captured by Heihachi and having his mind tortured by Kazuya who sought to steal the Devil Gene from him, Jin broke free and vowed to take revenge on them both.
Arkham: And when he beat that FUCKING CHEAPASS (Exhales)…..his great-grandpa Jinpachi, in Tekken 5’s canon ending, Jin took over the Mishima Zaibatsu and actually stayed in power.
Ray: And then he grew mad with power and went on a warpath that basically kickstarted World War 3. Like father, like son. But it turns out this was all a means to an end, as he finally identified the source of the Devil Gene–the monster Azazel. While Jin succeeded in killing the demon…his Devil Gene remained. So he basically waged wars, committed worldwide crimes, and extorted corporations dozens of times over–ALL FOR NOTHING!
Arkham: Worse still, Kazuya is still at large and on a warpath! Eventually, Heihachi gets involved to wrest control of the corporation from Jin, but ultimately fails. His journey ultimately has him meet Kazuya for the last time, in the mouth of a volcano. They fight one brutal duel that ends with Kazuya killing his father at last, and throwing his corpse into a river of lava.
Ray: (Exhales) In the end, what goes around comes around. All of this reminds me of the ending of Revenge of the Sith, except Heihachi doesn’t come back in a suit of space armor.
Arkham: Heihachi’s death here is canon by the way. He’s really, truly killed off for real.
Ray: Can’t say that we’ll miss him, either. But even in the non-canon endings, nobody seems to be truly spared here. While the rest of the family is nowhere near as monstrous as Heihachi, they sink to some pretty low stuff just to get back at him…and each other. Regularly.
Arkham: To be fair, some of Heihachi’s endings are pretty hilarious. Two of them involve sending father, son, and grandson into Space as a way of executing them. Hell, Tekken 6’s ending has him falling down to Earth with them!
Ray: There’s the cruel and unusual punishments, and then there are Heihachi’s endings….Should we talk about Lars, Heihachi’s other son?
Arkham: Might as well, since we came this far.
Arkham: Lars Alexandersson was introduced in Tekken 6: Bloodline Rebellion. Born to a Swedish mother, he is Heihachi’s bastard son and Kazuya’s half-brother–a fact that Heihachi himself doesn’t even know about! I can only imagine Heihachi got drunk in Stockholm one night, woke up the next morning to a strange woman, and booked the first flight home he could find. Motherfucker didn’t even pay child support!
Ray: Honestly, I wouldn’t put it too far past him. What about Lars himself? Does he turn out to be as psychotic as the Mishimas?
Arkham: Surprisingly, “no”. In a twist of irony, Lars turned out pretty great because Heihachi wasn’t a part of his life. Lars has a strong sense of justice and heroism. As an adult, he was formerly a member of the Tekken Force, the Mishima Zaibatsu’s paramilitary wing. But after Jin took over the company and corrupted its morals, Lars and a large number of his troops turned on the company and formed a rebel faction called “Yggdrasil.” Their ultimate goal was to end the war started by both the Mishima Zaibatsu and G Corporation.
Ray: FINALLY! Someone to root for in this story! So how does it all pan out for him?
Arkham: In Tekken 7, Lars concocts a plan to end the war once and for all. He starts this plan by rescuing his nephew Jin from a squad of UN soldiers who attempt to execute him. He takes Jin to a hospital owned by Violet Systems to heal from the attempt on his life. Lars risks everything to protect Jin, going so far as to hold off an attack by Nina Williams and even stop a civilian journalist from killing him out of revenge.
Ray:….Hold on. Why would Lars go so far to protect his arch-enemy, the leader of the Mishima Zaibatsu?
Arkham: Because Lars believes that Jin is the only one who can bring the war to an end. Since both he and Kazuya share the Devil Gene, he’s the only one powerful enough to defeat his father. Jin himself even agrees to the plan as a way to atone for his sins and end the Mishima Bloodline for good.
Ray: If that’s the case, I’ll at least give Jin points for wanting to redeem himself. Even though killing Kazuya isn’t nearly enough to make up for all the innocent lives Jin has ruined.
Arkham: Whatever the case, Jin fully awakens to his Devil form and finds Kazuya in the same way. With Heihachi dead, the cycle repeats itself with father and son confronting each other for one last battle. Will Jin manage to destroy Kazuya and end his family’s cursed history?
Ray: We have no idea at the time of this writing. But, with Tekken 8 on its way out this year (as of this writing), we’ll soon get a chance to see what happens when this crazy, crazy series comes to an end.
Arkham: We’ve just barely gotten through the first four entries, and already we’re exhausted! We still have seven more families to cover! And trust me, they’re gonna get even worse!
Ray: These were just the appetizers, ladies and gentlemen. The next two parts are going to go get to some incredibly dark and disturbing places! These families really are the worst that we could find!
Arkham: Take a nice long break and be happy that you never had to live with any of the above families. For right now, stay cool!
Ray: Till next time!
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