Number 7
The Bakers
(Resident Evil 7)
Ray: You ever wonder what it would be like if your whole family was a bunch of slasher-horror villains?
Arkham: Well, the guys over at Capcom had that idea and made it the premise of their 7th installment of Resident Evil. To hammer that point home, guess what the first thing they’re doing is?
Ray: What?
Arkham: Having dinner at the table. And what’s on the menu tonight? A nice, hot plate of human entrails and rotting organs! Oh, with a nice helping of dead animal flesh for that bold, rich flavor! Deeeelicious!
Ray: …’Scuse me for a second. (leaves, slams a bathroom door, then wretches for a few minutes. Comes back.) Sorry about that.
Arkham: By the way, I went to a convention once and played this game with a PlayStation VR headset, so I had the “pleasure” of watching that gross shit in virtual reality!
Ray: Ooof…..that’s rough, buddy. But enough about that horror show. Let’s talk about the lunatics who prepared such a revolting dinner.
Arkham: Jack Baker, the father, is a slasher villain in every sense of the word, coming at you with anything remotely-bladed that he can find–shovels, axes, chainsaws, all so he can skin you like an animal and while laughing like a madman.
Ray: And when he gets significant injuries, his healing factor goes “Berserker of Red” and mutates him into a giant, eyeball-riddled monster. You eventually kill him, but papa is far from the only horror in this house.
Arkham: Marguerite went from a kind, caring mother to a homicidal maniac who laughs like the Wicked Witch of the West at times and looks like something out of “The Exorcist”. She can control a myriad of creepy-crawlies with her mind alone, and has the disgusting habit of preparing home-cooked meals consisting of past victims’ guts. Like Jack, she also stalks Ethan’s wife Mia throughout the mansion. And you get the “pleasure” of experiencing this through the VHS tapes Ethan finds in the house.
Ray: And Lucas, the son of the family, may be the nicest official member, but he’s still clinically-psychopathic, has a regenerative factor that enables him to grow back lost limbs, and has a habit of creating deadly puzzles or hiding vital clues in the necks of beheaded corpses, and he turns into a giant monster, too! Like father, like son.
Arkham: But it’s later revealed that they weren’t always like that and were a perfectly-normal Louisiana family for the longest time. Bizarrely enough, the Dad is not the triggering event that drove the Bakers mad, but an adopted daughter named Eveline, who turned out to be a sentient bio-weapon that could infect and brainwash anything that came in contact with her.
Ray: Eveline wanted a family of her own and used her abilities to deteriorate, physically and mentally, into the monsters that you meet in-game. Their appearance deteriorated until they resembled the series’ worst monsters, and their mental health went into a freefall until they are what you see in-game.
Arkham: Let it be known that kids can be just as fucked as their parents, if not worse. In the last chapters of the game, Eveline starts messing with Ethan’s head, making him see hallucinations of his wife Mia attacking him. When he finally corners Eveline, he injects her with some kind of vaccine designed to counter whatever powers she has. It works, but causes her to mutate violent into…….whatever the living hell THIS is!
Arkham: Seriously, what the fuck is this!? Why the fuck is this!? How the fuck is this!?
Ray: Who, what, when, where–I doubt we’ll ever get any answers from this just from looking at it! More importantly, what’s the boss fight like against it?
Arkham: I can’t say for sure since I never got this far. But from what I saw in the video, you have to constantly shoot at Eveline’s face with the strongest weapons at your disposal, while she constantly swipes at you with her tentacles. This goes on for about three or four minutes, until you come to the brink of death. But at the last minute, a Blue Umbrella squad comes to your rescue and gives you a pistol with anti-BOW rounds. You plug a few of those bad boys into Eve’s ugly mug until she finally kicks it. As she dies, Eveline’s body crumbles into a huge pile of mold.
Ray: Phew! Thank God! I’m usually not one to celebrate a child’s death, but this one’s a definite exception. So how does the game end?
Arkham: Suprisingly happily for a Resident Evil game. Ethan and Mia are safely airlifted out of that shitty swamp mansion while the Blue Umbrella soldiers move in to clean up the rest. The two would live a peaceful life together and have a baby daughter named Rose, who herself would have her own story later on.
Ray: All’s well that ends well, I guess. At least now we can be glad that this series won’t have any future entries with even more effed-up families.
Ray: (Pauses)…….Shit.
Arkham: You really gotta stop jinxing these, man.
Ray: Yeah. I really do.
Number 6
The Le Domas Family
(Ready or Not)
Arkham: And now we come to the family that inspired this list. I briefly mentioned these fuckjobs in the intro, but now I can discuss them in full detail. Get this, okay? You recently married into this family of rich White people…
Ray: Yeah?
Arkham: Things start off all hunky-dory for a time, there’s even a nice reception party.
Ray: Uh-huh…
Arkham: Then suddenly, your new in-laws give you a box of cards, and you have to pick one to decide which game to play with them.
Ray:…..Okay, that’s fairly weird. Go on.
Arkham: You draw the one that says “Hide and Seek”, and before you know it, everyone’s pulling out guns, axes, and booby-traps, and they all have your name on ‘em!
Ray: I’d say that sounds like the average day at Steel’s household, but to the average guy, that’s as confusing as it is terrifying.
Arkham: This is the fate of someone who marries into the Le Domas family in “Ready or Not”.
Ray: Is the sequel going to be ‘Here I Come’?
Arkham: (Glares) Patrick, take this one, willya?
Arkham: Thank you.
Ray: Hey, they were all thinking it. I just said it.
Arkham: (Sighs) Anyway, let’s go back to the beginning. The Le Domaes were founded generations ago by Victor Le Domas, an avid animal hunter. Victor made a deal with another man, Mr. Le Bail, that the latter would give the Le Domases their wealth if they started their family’s insane ritual.
Ray: But there’s always a catch, isn’t there?
Arkham: Hell yeah, there’s a catch! If the victim draws “Hide and Seek” and they’re not dead by dawn, the entire Le Domas family is wiped out!
Ray: That seems a bit extreme…
Arkham: Know what’s even more effed up? Le Bail, the guy the Le Domases arranged this game with, is actually an anagram for “Belial.” Know what that name means?
Ray: Of course I do. It’s one of the names used for Sata–(stops and realizes what he just said)–Ooooooooh. Oh no…..
Arkham: Oh, yes. This whole farce is literally a SATANIC RITUAL!!! Basically, if the Le Domases fail to capture and sacrifice their victim, the Devil comes and takes all their souls!
Ray: (Horrified beyond measure) That……That’s just…….
Arkham: Deranged? Yeah, it is. But now that we’re on the same page, let’s look at each member of this sick family in detail. There’s a lot of them, but I’ll just point out the ones with the greatest influence on the story.
Arkham: Aunt Helene is more or less the evil matriarch. 30 years ago, her newlywed husband was forced to play their murderous hide-and-seek game. He lost, and ended up dying as a result, even though Helene begged her family not to kill him.
Ray: But if she lost her husband to this madness, she should be more against it than anybody, right?
Arkham: Wrong. She’s the biggest fanatic in the whole family and has no problem with sacrificing people.
Ray: Of freaking course…..
Arkham: While Helene mostly lets her children do the work, she’s perfectly capable of getting her own hands dirty, as shown in the picture above with the axe. Even after her family lost, Helene tried one more time to cut Grace down before she goes bye-bye herself.
Ray: Well, at least she went down…..
Arkham: Don’t say it.
Ray: Swinging! 
Arkham: (Facepalms)
Arkham: Tony Le Domas is the Darth Vader to Helene’s Palpatine. He’s the official head of the family and (I guess you could call him) the “warden” of the game. He’s also the father of the groom Alex, and his siblings Daniel and Emilie. But he treat Daniel like a waste of life while clearly favoring Alex and Emilie.
Ray: Parental favoritism. Ruining childhoods one family at a time. And sadly, I’ve watched a lot of anime where that’s happened.
Arkham: Tony is excessively proud of his ancestor’s sadistic history, to the point he only allows his family to use the weapons passed down from previous games. He’s massively arrogant, boasting that he has things under control when in reality he’s just as incompetent as the rest of his family. At the end of the movie, Tony complains to the Devil that he played according to the rules and shouldn’t have to die. Of course, Tony died too.
Ray: Well what did he expect asking for favors from SATAN!?
Arkham: Becky is the “charming” wife and mother of the family. She starts off nice enough, genuinely happy for her son’s marriage and welcoming Grace into the family. She also shows no favoritism to her kids, unlike her husband who only likes Alex and Emilie.
Ray: Well, at least she’s got that going for her.
Arkham: But that’s all the nice things I can say about her. Becky shows her true, ugly colors when the game starts, never once afraid of the thought of killing her new daughter-in-law. She’s surprisingly good with a bow, and was implied to be the one who killed Helene’s husband in the previous later. But thirty years later with no practice, she misses Grace at less than 20 yards.
Ray: Grace is so lucky that the Le Domases generally suck at murdering people.
Arkham: And that incompetence is what makes Becky the most proactive one in the family. She’s frustrated with her family’s inability to do the one simple thing they’re supposed to do! In the end, Becky gets her skull fatally bashed in by an enraged Grace who shouts, “FUCK YOUR FUCKING FAMILY!”
Ray: (Eyes wide) Damn.
Arkham: Alex is the oldest son, and the lucky new husband of Grace. At first, he seems like an alright guy. He genuinely loves his wife, and constantly objects to her family hunting her down like wolves. He even spends a good amount of screentime handcuffed to a bed and cutting himself free to rescue Grace.
Ray: So far he sounds like a decent guy. (Pause) So how does he turn out to be a monster?
Arkham: Well, when he was a kid, he was involved in the game 30 years ago that killed Helene’s husband. According to his mom, Alex was the most loyal one to the cult, and even once saw Mr. Le Bail sitting in his chair. Also, Alex is overly possessive of his wife and turns against her when she decides she wants out of their marriage.
Ray: Can you blame her for wanting a divorce since her husband’s entire family is trying to sacrifice her?
Arkham: Know what’s funny? At the end, Grace actually throws her wedding ring back at Alex before he explodes!
Arkham: Daniel is easily the most sympathetic one. He’s the black sheep of the family, mainly because he resents them for their disgusting traditions. When they were kids, Daniel hid his brother Alex in the closet so he wouldn’t witness the victim’s death.
Ray: Nice to know there’s one overall nice guy in the family…did I jinx it again?
Arkham: Uhhhh……yes and no. Daniel lived a pretty rough life. His insane family had messed up his psyche so badly that he turned to drinking just to cope with it. His wife (ironically named “Charity”) married Daniel only for his money, and the two pretty much hate each other’s guts.
Ray: Angry, cynical husband with drinking problems. Gold-digging wife who resents him. Are we talking about Michael and Amanda again?
Arkham: …..Come to think of it, they do sound similar! Anyway, Daniel gets dragged into the whole hide-and-seek shenanigan with his family. But he’s become so jaded at this point that he just doesn’t care. In fact, when he runs into Grace in the study room, he purposely lets her go! And just for a laugh, he calls his family to the study after she’s gone!
Ray: (As Tony) “You had one job, son! ONE JOB!!!”
Arkham: This does lead to a pretty funny scene in the movie.
Tony: Do you think this is some fucking game!?
Daniel: Yes. Hide-and-seek. Remember?
Arkham: Eventually, Daniel’s conscience catches up with him and he actively tries to help Grace escape. Partly for his brother’s sake, but also because it’s the right thing to do. He even sabotages the ritual that would’ve killed Grace, allowing her to get free.
Ray: (Impressed) Well, good for him for showing some moral courage!
Arkham: Sadly, being the one good guy in his family ends up being his undoing. He gets shot to death by his greedy bitch wife Charity.
Ray: That’s a shame. Still, better to die a hero than to live long enough to become the villain.
Arkham: Emilie and her husband Fitch are by far the biggest dumbasses in the family. Incompetent, careless, and downright stupid, they’re actually more of a threat to the Le Domases than to Grace! They’re given a shotgun and a crossbow respectively, which neither knows how to use properly. It also really doesn’t help that Emilie is addicted to coke.
Ray: Idiots + Weapons + Drugs = Complete Disaster. Remember that, people.
Arkham: Fitch is a bumbling doofus who spends more time texting on his phone or trying to figure out how his crossbow works. Emilie meanwhile accidentally shoots two maids dead by her sheer clumsiness. She even forgets her damn shotgun numerous times, and when she does have it, she can’t even hit Grace from less than 20 feet away!
Ray: (unimpressed) There’s purposely undermining your family’s goal, and then there’s just being too stupid to accomplish it.
Arkham: (Spells it out) (I-N)-(C-O-M)-(P-E-T)-(E-N-T). Put ‘em together, what does it spell?
Ray: INCOMPETENT!
Arkham: Finally, we come to Grace. Poor, poor Grace. The innocent lamb dragged to the slaughter. The protagonist and hero, she starts off thinking her marriage to Alex would be the happiest night of her life.
Ray: But we all know by now that ain’t the case.
Arkham: Which is why I won’t go over the whole sordid story again. Grace caught on quickly though, and realized that her husband’s family is out to get her. Rather than sit on her ass and wait to die, our girl runs, dodges, and fights through every attempt the Le Domases make to kill her. The whole disaster left Grace scarred and bruised, and her wedding dress torn and bloody. But in the end, she survived till the morning and won the hide-and-seek game. What follows is one of the most gruesomely satisfying endings of any movie!
Arkham: (Laughing maniacally)
Ray: Wow! Now THAT’s one hell of a penalty for losing! Can’t say I feel bad for them, though.
Arkham: I wonder how Grace is going to explain all this to the police? “My husband’s psychotic family chased me around the house, trying to murder me and sacrifice me to Satan, because family tradition.”
Ray:……Yeah, somehow I don’t think they’ll buy that.
Arkham: The moral of the story: When you play games with the Devil, you always lose.
Number 5
The Britannian Imperial Family
(Code Geass)
Ray: If you’re the least bit surprised that these guys made it to this list, then you need your eyes checked.
Arkham: Or…..just watch Code Geass. Seriously, it’s on like every streaming service ever.
Ray: I’ve gone at length about the Britannias before. I ranked Charles as Number 1 on the list of Worst Manga and Anime Dad. His wife Marianne made it to Number 8 on Worst Mothers, and even Lelouch is the second-worst sibling you could ask for right behind Dio Brando himself.
Arkham: The Britannian Royal Family has more betrayals and backstabbings than the Roman Empire. Members will happily screw each other over just to get the slightest bit higher on the social ladder and most of the family itself consists of either cousins or half-siblings because Big Daddy Charles is a notorious womanizer, and it’s often questionable as to how much the mothers truly love their children. Especially if Marianne is anything to go by.
Left to Right: Princes Clovis and Schneizel.
Ray: You have your typical elitists like Clovis and Schneizel, who are your run-of-the-mill snobs. Clovis is uppity as they come, but the rest of his family see him as little more than cannon fodder and it shows–a week passes before ANY kind of funeral ceremony is held in his honor. Schneizel, however, is another story entirely. He’s a pragmatic strategist who will not only taunt his brother into giving up an easy win, he’ll force his own sister to continually launch black-hole nukes that can eliminate countless people and forever change the landscape in one sitting.
“Did you make sure it’s not a crown of thorns this time?”
Arkham: Then you have Cornelia and her younger sister Euphemia, who are actually not as terrible as the rest of their family. Sure, Cornelia is a ruthless warlord with an unhealthy grudge against Elevens (Japanese), but she at least adores her little sister and frequently dotes on her. She even had no problem with Suzaku, a Japanese-born Brittannian, being part of the army because of his competence as a soldier.
Ray: Euphie meanwhile is an absolute angel. She’s a sweet girl who falls in love with Suzaku despite his Japanese heritage, and she even used her powers as Sub-Viceroy to try and establish a safe zone for Elevens where they could live in peace. In fact, she was one of the ONLY members of the Brittanian family who was wanting to change the empire for the better.
Arkham: Before Lelouch came and fucked the whole thing up. But we’ll get to him later.
Guess who’s the older brother?
Ray: V.V. (pronounced “V2”) may look like a kid, but he’s actually Charles’ older brother, gifted with immortality and eternal youth. Bet that’d make things weird for family reunions–your dad’s an old man, but your uncle is a little boy? Awkward…
Arkham: While his “younger” brother Charles publicly ran the Empire, VV worked behind the scenes, gathering research on the power of Geass in order to help his family achieve their ultimate goal to achieve Ragnarok. We’ll get back to that, but oh, boy. It’s a doozy.
“Uh, marrying minors is legal in this country, right?”
Ray: And then there’s Odysseus who is way too comfortable with marrying the 13-year-old Empress of the Chinese Federation. I mean, yeah, it was a political marriage meant to increase Brittania’s power in Asia, but by normal standards it’s extremely creepy and unethical!
The Unholy Trinity.
Arkham: And then you have the BIG motherfuckers of the family: Father, Mother, and Son. Charles, Marianne, and Lelouch. These three are arguably the central characters of Code Geass, as their actions determine most of the major events of the story.
Ray: As I said before, Charles is the Number 1 Worst Anime Dad ever. But to keep things short and avoid going into yet another tirade against him, we’ll just cover the basics. Like we said, he was a huge player and had children numbering in the hundreds, and he could not give a single crap about any of them. He’s willing to manipulate them, brainwash them, wipe their memories, mind-rape them blind and traumatize them for life…and he ENJOYS IT!
Arkham: In his very first appearance, Charles puts his twisted Social Darwinist worldview on full display at Clovis’ state funeral. His ideology that “All men are not created equal” is the foundation on which the whole Britannian Empire stands. It’s also his justification for the Empire’s endless list of war crimes.
Arkham: Hang on…..this reminds me of something.
Gundam fans should find this disturbingly familiar.
Ray: Huh? Who’s the guy on the right?
Arkham: Oh, don’t worry. We’ll get to him later. Just know right now that he’s a hundred times worse than Emperor Charles.
Ray: (Sarcastically) Oh, I can’t wait! Anyway, back to my earlier point. Charles brings his warped ideals home by regularly turning his children against each other while he sits back with a bag of popcorn and just watches! He shows absolutely zero regard for his youngest daughter Nunally, who was left blind and crippled after his wife’s supposed murder.
Arkham: Lelouch was so disgusted at his father’s callousness towards Nunally that he rejected his claim to the throne.
Arkham: I mean, geez! Imagine being nine years old and hearing your father say all that! Sure, it’s partially because Charles knew the whole time that his wife wasn’t really dead, but Lelouch had no way of knowing that! And it still doesn’t change the fact that his sister is blind and paraplegic!
Ray: Speaking of Marianne, she’s no better than her husband. She exhibits similar levels of sadism, but she also works in cahoots with Chuck. She also manipulates people through her Geass power so that they do exactly what she and Charles want them to do. Just like her husband, she also viewed her children as mere possessions with no humanity.
Arkham: Remember when Marianne was murdered early on in the story? Turns out it was planned by both herself and Charles to allow Marianne to manipulate her kids behind the scenes, while her husband rules Britannia and conducts his Thought Elevator project in secret.
Ray: Which is a whole other can of worms on its own. And finally, there’s Lelouch. He may be the protagonist, but he is ANYTHING but a hero.
Arkham: I should point out that just because Lelouch is on this list doesn’t mean I hate him as a character. In fact, he’s one of my favorite anime protagonists. He’s intelligent, ruthless and manipulative, but he’s also morally conflicted about his actions, especially when they lead to innocent people suffering. His own hubris ultimately becomes his downfall at the very end.
Ray: Like I said, he’s a bad guy in a family of worse guys. He screws over his siblings with almost every action he takes, including those that have done nothing and actually treat him nicely (like Euphemia and Nunnally). Granted, some of his siblings had it coming, like Clovis, but he’s frequently shown to be no better than them…and even WORSE in more than one aspect.
Arkham: Something you neglected to point out to seal this deal?
Ray: What?
Arkham: Lelouch brainwashed his own sister–who was no longer blind but still paraplegic–into forking over a nuke button just so he could get a leg-up on Schneizel. And then Lelouch arranged his own murder and forcibly had Nunally become the Empress. This worked out in the end as Nunally turned out to be a wise and just queen, but damn, that’s still a huge dick move to put on his sister.
Ray: Especially since everything he did up to that point was for Nunally’s sake! Oh, and what happened to Charles and Marianne?
Arkham: Let’s just say…..those fuckers got what they deserved.
Ray: And not soon enough it was! Well, at least we can be happy that there isn’t an anime with an even worse royal family.
Arkham:……….
Ray: There is, isn’t there?
Arkham: There is. They’re next on the list.
Ray: Oh, no…..
Number 4
The Zabi Family
(Mobile Suit Gundam)
Arkham: And this is the family in question. I’ve just been WAITING to talk about these psychopaths! If you thought the Mishimas and Brittannias were backstabbing pricks, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!
Ray: There’s an old saying that all’s fair in love and war.
Arkham: But the Zabi Family takes the war aspect WAY too far!
Ray: Would you expect any less from, basically, Space Nazis?
Arkham: Well, Mobile Suit Gundam (at least the Universal Century timeline), is basically World War II in Space with giant robots. Anyway, the series takes place in the far future, where mankind has found a new home among the stars in giant, cylindrical Space Colonies.
Ray: At least climate change is now a thing of the past.
Arkham: The colonies are arranged in seven “Sides”, each governed by the ruling government, the Earth Federation. But Side 3, Munzo, wants independence from the Federation, led by the ideals of renowned philosopher Zeon Deikun.
Ray: Okay…..but where do the Zabis fit in all this?
Arkham: The Zabis were a noble family believed to be supporters of Deikun’s cause. They took Deikun’s family in for shelter just as anti-Federation tensions were heating up. But when Deikun was supposed to declare Side 3’s independence, he died of a mysterious heart attack.
And so it begins…
Ray: Man…….talk about bad timing!
Arkham: It’s implied that the Zabis poisoned Deikun’s water and used the public tragedy of his death to gain power, but never confirmed.
(Note: Deikun was under a great deal of stress while preparing his speech, so it’s possible his heart attack was just an accident.)
Ray: Still, if that’s true, it’s pretty despicable to betray someone after offering them shelter!
Arkham: Even more despicable, the Zabis quickly took over Munzo in the wake of Deikun’s death, renaming it as the Principality of Zeon. In other words, they hijacked his name for public sympathy.
Ray:……They named the colony after the person they supposedly killed just to gain power!?
Arkham: Yep. And trust me, we’re just getting started! Under the Zabis, Side 3 quickly transitioned from a peaceful republic to a fascist regime. And what’s the one thing every fascist regime does best?
Sarge: Start a war?
Arkham: While the Federation certainly isn’t blameless either, the Zabis worked all sorts of dirty deals to prepare an invasion of Earth. Such acts include funding the invention of Mobile Suits, attempting to murder rival families, and MASS FREAKING GENOCIDE.
Ray: Oooooooooh, this can’t be good.
Arkham: Trust me, it’s not. To put it in perspective, the One Year War was heavily inspired by World War II, which resulted in the deaths of 75 million people. The One Year War: 5.9 billion. BILLION. With a “B!” And the Zabis are at fault for much of it!
Ray: Oh. My. God.
Arkham: Exactly. But now that I’ve let that sink in, I can finally talk about the Zabi Family as individuals.
Principal Kobayakawa with sunglasses.
Arkham: Degwin Sodo Zabi is the father and patriarch of the family. He rose to power after Zeon Deikun died, claiming that he named Degwin as the successor of Side 3’s ideals. As a result, Degwin is now basically the “King” of Zeon. However, he’s really little more than a figurehead. Aside from bossing his children around, Degwin doesn’t really do all that much in the bigger picture. In fact, it’s his kids that hold all the real power in Zeon.
Ray: Reminds me of the British Royal Family (no offense to our readers in Britain!)
Arkham: Speaking of Degwin’s offspring, most of them don’t really have a close relationship with him, as they see him more as their boss than their father. Degwin doesn’t show much affection either, and actually resents most of his children for being ruthless, psychopathic war criminals. But he’s very fond of his youngest son Garma for being a genuinely nice and gentle kid. We’ll touch on him later.
Ray: What a shame that such a nice kid ended up with a family of anime Nazis.
Pictured above: Space Hitler
Arkham: (Seething) Gihren. Zabi. If there is a human form for pure evil and tyranny in any Gundam universe, it’s Gihren Zabi. I could write a 52-page essay on what a colossal shitlord he is, and I still wouldn’t be done! He’s not only the most evil and despicable member of the Zabi Family, he’s the low that all other Gundam villains aspire to sink to! His actions alone caused not only the One Year War, but every other major conflict in the Universal Century!
Ray: I can already tell you have a lot to say about him.
Arkham: Where do I even start!? Right off the bat, Gihren is an opportunist who uses any public tragedy to his advantage, whether he caused it or not. He uses his power as Supreme Commander to twist Zeon Deikun’s Newtype theory to justify a genocidal invasion against Earth. He was also the main sponsor of Dr. Minovsky’s project to make Mobile Suits suitable for war. Over the next decade, Gihren’s power and influence grew to the point that he basically outranked his father and became the true dictator of Zeon. (Inhales deeply) And then……..Operation British happened.
The last sunset Sydney ever saw.
Ray: (Fearfully) W-what’s Operation British? (And why does that image look like “K.T. Event 2.0”?)
Arkham: (Somberly) The first Colony Drop. On January 3, 0079, Gihren ordered the hijacking of a Side 2 space colony. His plan was to drop the colony on Jaburo, the Federation’s secret South American base. The impact would result in a nuclear explosion that would wipe out Jaburo and cripple the Federation’s military power. But as the colony entered the atmosphere, it split up into three pieces. They each missed Jaburo and landed in three separate parts of Earth, with the biggest one hitting Sydney, Australia. The end result? Well…….just watch.
Arkham: You saw that, right? Operation British–which was authorized by Gihren Zabi–resulted in the death of nearly 50% of the world’s population. Let me repeat that:
GIHREN ZABI WIPED OUT HALF THE POPULATION OF EARTH!!!
Ray: (Horrified beyond words) I ju–I-I-I ca–how doe–I thought Charles zi Brittannia’s genocide of Japanese people was disgusting enough, but THIS!? What the hell is going on through that maniac’s head!? What does he get out of this?! WHAT CONVINCED HIM THIS WAS WORTH DOING?!
Arkham: Now you understand the kind of psychopath Gihren is. As you might’ve guessed, the Federation immediately declared war on Zeon, resulting in the One Year War. The conflict devolved into a stalemate that lasted for months. During this time, an arms race began as each side began developing new Mobile Suits in an attempt to tip the war in their favor. More on that later.
Ray: But what does that have to do with Gihren?
Arkham: Nothing directly, but it does affect the rest of his family. Let’s leave Gihren for a bit and start talking about his siblings.
Yes, that is, in fact, a dude.
Arkham: Starting with his youngest brother, Garma. The Purple Prince might look like an arrogant pretty boy (because he kind of is), but he’s not really a bad guy compared to the rest of the Zabis. He joined the Zeon Military Academy at the ripe age of 15 and became the class rep because of his ties to the Zabi Family. Because of this, some other cadets saw Garma as a lazy rich kid who only gets by through nepotism.
Esquire Magazine: “Sexiest Woman Alive”
Ray: Can’t really blame them, considering the celebrity treatment he’s getting.
Arkham: But–academically at least–Garma was a very capable student. He studied very hard and scored higher grades than most of his classmates. But when it comes to being a soldier, he’s……
You have NO idea how long it took me to get this GIF to work!
Arkham:…..Not the best.
Ray: Oooooooouch…
Arkham: Yeah. Brilliant as he is, Garma doesn’t really have the mental or physical toughness it takes to survive in combat. This makes him very insecure and doubtful of his skills as a soldier. It also puts him at odds against Char Aznable, who’s much better in the field than Garma is.
Ray: Ah, the classic brainy nerd vs strong athlete rivalry.
Arkham: You could say that. Garma’s also naive and easily manipulated, and Char takes full advantage of that. He convinces Garma to lead the cadets on a mutiny against a Federation base that ran their academy (Side 3 was still technically a Federation colony). Char led the assault from the front while the good Zabi prince was safely directing artillery from the rear. The revolt was a success and Char and Garma were hailed as heroes for leading it.
Ray: At least Garma finally got to prove himself to his family….But it doesn’t end there, does it?
Arkham: During the One Year War, Garma became a colonel and was put in charge of Zeon’s operations in North America. He turned out a pretty impressive commander, taking nearly the whole continent in just a few months! He also found love with Icelina, the daughter of the mayor of the ruined New York City. Garma even considered retiring from the military in order to spend a happy life with his girl.
Ray: Overall, Garma sounds like a pretty likable guy, at least compared to Gihren….But somehow I don’t think he gets a happy ending.
Arkham: Unfortunately, he doesn’t. Garma reunited with his old war buddy Char, and the two went on a hunt for the Federation’s newest warship, White Base. They tracked the ship down to New York, where it took cover inside the dome of an old stadium. Garma was flying above in a Gaw carrier, while Char did recon on the ground. He found the White Base and gave the coordinates to the Gaw–and Garma’s fate was sealed.
Ray: Wha–WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED!?
Arkham: Char deliberately gave Garma the wrong coordinates, allowing him to get ambushed and shot down by White Base! Rather than go down quietly, Garma decided to go out in glory by attempting a kamikaze attack.
Ray: Better to go out with a roar than a whimper I guess. But why would Char just betray him like that?
Arkham: Because Char is actually Zeon Deikun’s son, Casval. He grew up believing that the Zabis were responsible for his father’s death and was planning his revenge ever since. Screwing over Garma was just the first step. To make it extra tragic, Garma was his father Degwin’s favorite son. He was so devastated to learn about his son’s death he stopped caring about the war or ruling Zeon.
Ray: Wow……I really should give this anime props for humanizing the villains.
Arkham: A few days later, the other Zabi children held a national funeral for their late brother. How does his big bro Gihren mourn him?…….By basically turning it into a Trump rally for his own power!
Ray: (Disgusted) Tch! Typical dictator.
Arkham: Yeah, no kidding. Gundam isn’t subtle at all when it comes to the Nazi-esque depitctions of its villains. Hell, Gihren’s own father outright compares him to Hitler near the show’s conclusion!
Ray: Figures. He even has a population control plan that pretty much amounts to ethnic cleansing! It’s like he’s trying to become the next Hitler!
Arkham: That’s just the thing–he is! Gihren actually admires fascist dictators like Hitler, and strives to become like him! He believes that democracy only breeds weakness, and that humanity needs a ruthless, authoritatian leader to keep itself alive. He’s a true fascist to his core.
Ray: (Disgusted) He clearly didn’t finish his World War II history class. Gihren doesn’t know that his “hero” lost the war, committed suicide, and brought Germany to years of ruin.
Arkham: Exactly the fate that befell Zeon because of him. But let’s stop talking about Gihren for now and move on to his next brother.
He is one ugly motherfucker.
Arkham: Right off the bat, you get an idea of what kind of man Dozle is: a tough, hard-nosed brute who breaks skulls easier than he brushes his teeth.
Ray: He certainly won’t be winning any prizes for “Most Handsome,” that’s for sure.
Arkham: He is one ugly sonufabitch. But like Garma, he’s also one of the lesser evils of the Zabi Family. Dozle is a proud military man who loves his country and his family, despite how messed up both are. He was appointed the headmaster of the military academy to keep a close eye on Garma and make sure he was safe. That is, until he was held hostage during the student uprising.
That moment when you’re being held up by your future wife.
Arkham: I want you to take a moment to appreciate that a 20-year-old girl is holding a high-ranking Zeon officer at gunpoint by herself! Zenna Mia is MVP.
Ray: She’s got some guts, that’s for sure!
Arkham: Believe it or not, the two got married a few weeks later and had a beautiful baby daughter, Mineva.
Awwwwwww……
Ray: Aww, that’s sweet! And I’m glad she didn’t inherit her daddy’s looks.
Arkham: Surprisingly, Dozle turned out to be a pretty good family man. He adores his wife and daughter and thinks the world of them, although he sometimes scares Mineva by accident with his gorilla face.
Ray: Compassionate, loving, devoted. Are you sure he wasn’t adopted?
Arkham: Well, if you want to know some of Dozle’s bad traits……he’s a total idiot. While he may be a hardass disciplinarian on the outside, inside he’s really a big kid who desperately wants his older brother’s approval. Remember Operation British?
Ray: (Shudders) How can I not remember that horror show?
Arkham: Well, Dozle shares responsibility for that, too. While his brother Gihren gave the order to drop the colony onto Earth, Dozle was the one who carried it out. When another officer, Ramba Ral, refused to follow the order because of the horrible amount of lives it would take, Dozle gleefully went along with it without even thinking of the consequences! When it finally dawned on Dozle the mass murder he committed, he starts crying like his infant daughter.
Ray: While it doesn’t excuse him from killing billions of people, I’m glad he at least feels remorse for it.
Arkham: Anyway, Dozle was cast as Vice Admiral of Zeon’s space forces during the One Year War. He even fought in the frontlines himself a couple of times in a custom-made Zaku.
SIEG ZEON!!!
Ray: Well, I’ll give him this…..that is one badass picture.
Arkham: Zeon Propaganda FTW. Anyway, Dozle’s most famous moment was during the Battle of Solomon near the end of the war. At this point, the Federation had retaken control of the Earth and forced Zeon back into Space. Weeks passed, and the Zeons were losing more and more ground to the enemy. Solomon was one of their last major strongholds, and of course that was lost to the Feds too (and renamed “Konpei Island.” Stupid name if you ask me).
Ray: More and more this sounds like how the Axis Powers lost World War II.
Arkham: Dozle, who was in charge of Solomon before it was lost, led a desperate battle in an attempt to retake it. He piloted the humongous Mobile Armor, the “Big Zam,” using its devastating firepower to wipe out dozens of Feddie Mobile Suits. It’s here that Dozle arguably gets the best death scene of his family.
Ray: So how does he bite it?
Arkham: Everything goes fine for Dozle until he encounters the RX-78 Gundam, piloted by Federation war hero Amuro Ray. When the Gundam fatally damages the Big Zam, Dozle decides to go down fighting like the proud warrior he is.
Ray: You were right! If there was a way to go out, that would be the one I choose!
Arkham: While it is an awesome death scene, Dozle’s body was sadly never recovered. In Zeta Gundam: A New Translation, it’s still floating motionlessly in Space.
The vision of my nightmares
Ray: (Shudders) How horrible. I’d hate to end up like that.
Arkham: Know what’s funny? Dying in Outer Space is actually one of my deepest fears. But enough about Dozle now. Let’s move on to Kycilia.
Pictured above: Fem!Cobra Commander
Arkham: Kycilia is the only sister of the Zabis. And she’s easily the most petty. She wears that mask because she believes that no commoner is allowed to gaze upon her flawless beauty.
Ray: Ugh…Even Cornelia wasn’t this arrogant.
Arkham: In Gundam: The Origins, she was sent to capture Zeon Deikun’s family after his sudden death. But she instead let them go, not seeing them as much of a threat. This earned her a nasty slap from her older brother, Sasro.
Ray: Now was that really necessary?
Arkham: Don’t worry, he pretty much serves the same role as Clovis. Obviously, Kycilia didn’t take kindly to being slapped by her brother. So how does she retaliate?….BY BLOWING UP HIS FUCKING CAR!!!
Ray: She blows up her brother over a slap!? Talk about disproportionate retribution!
Arkham: Told you she was petty. Then again, nobody really liked Sasro anyway. By the way, this is also how Dozle got his scars. And no, he never suspects his own sister was behind it.
Ray: Idiot.
Arkham: Anyway, Kycilia started making more of an effort to capture or assassinate Deikun’s children, thereby consolidating her family’s power over Zeon. Years later, she learned that Casval was leaving to enlist in the Zeon Military Academy. She planned to blow up the transport he would’ve taken to reach the colony. The plan only failed because Casval thought ahead and used his stepbrother as a decoy.
Ray: Planned assassination aside, it’s really, really low to leave your adoptive brother to die just to throw your would-be killers off your trail.
Arkham: I think we all know by now Char has no problem with betraying his friends. As for Kycilia–as much of a cruel bitch she is, even she has her limits. Her father Degwin was tired of all the bloodshed and destruction and decided to arrange a cease-fire with the Federation. But right before peace negotiations could begin, Der Fuhrer Gihren fired a giant laser cannon called the Solar Ray, wiping out his father and both the Zeon and Federation fleets! Just because he wanted to keep the war going!
Ray: (Shocked and angry) First he drops a colony on Earth, then he Death Star’s his own father!? Just to prolong a war that’s already killed millions of people!? Arkham, does this jackass die, already!?
Arkham: Yes, thankfully enough! And it’s his own sister that does him in! She may have blown up her own brother over a slap, but even she wouldn’t sink so low as to commit patricide. She confronts Gihren while he’s riding high on his perceived victory, and shoots him right in the back of the head!
Arkham: With her dickhead brother dead, Kycilia assumes command of the remaining Zeon forces during the Federation’s raid on A Baoa Qu.
Ray: Good riddance! Although a bullet to the brain is too good for that bastard!
Arkham: How about an RPG instead? Kycilia gets one right in the face courtesy of Char, just as she’s attempting to retreat! What we got is literally the greatest headshot in the history of mankind!
Ray: WOAH!!! A bullet through the back of the head is one thing, but a bazooka rocket to the face!? Gundam is hardcore, man!
Arkham: Now you see why I love this anime so much. Anyway, Kycilia’s death left the remaining Zeons leaderless, allowing the Federation to take A Baoa Qu fairly easily. And thus the One Year War ends, and a peace treaty is signed with the Federation deciding all terms. The Zabi family is all but extinct with the only survivor being Dozle’s daughter Mineva. But unlike the rest of them, she grows up to be a wise, benevolent ruler.
All hail Princess Mineva!
Ray: That’s sad, being the only surviving member of your whole family. Still, good on her for not keeping up her family’s horrible legacy. At least now we won’t have to worry about any more colony drops……..right?
Arkham: (Sighs sadly)
It never ends.
Ray: (Sigh) If there’s one lesson science-fiction has taught me, it’s this: the future SUCKS.
Arkham: Sadly, that often seems to be the case. I guess it’s true what they say in Fallout: War never changes.
Arkham: Okay, okay, okay! We’ve made it to the home stretch, baby! We only have three more entries to go through!
Ray: What horrendous families will we see next, and which of the ones we’ve seen so far was your favorite (or least favorite)? Until next time, everyone! Stay cool!
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