Death Battle: Seras vs Tanya (Part 2)

PREVIOUSLY, ON DEATH BATTLE….

Seras Victoria, a vampire agent from the Hellsing Organization, was suddenly warped to a strange world ruined by an ongoing World War.

She was instructed by Being X to head to the war-torn city of Amiens, where she was to assassinate a child soldier named Tanya Degurechaff.

Only after Tanya’s death would Seras be allowed to return home.

Despite her fiercest efforts, Seras failed to defeat Tanya, and only survived thanks to her vampire healing factor.

The Hellsing soldier was later found by Jean and Amelie Rousseau, two members of a secret Partisan group seeking to liberate Amiens.

However, Seras’ moment of rest was cut short when thunderous artillery strike rained down on the city.

The artillery was sent by the 44th Republic Infantry, led by the bold Captain Pierre DuPont.

For months, the Francois Army suffered a number of humiliating defeats against their enemy, the Empire.

Outnumbered and outgunned, they’ve launched a desperate surprise attack to retake their beloved city.

Tanya and her feared 203rd Air Mage Battalion race to the frontlines to hold off the invaders.

With nowhere to run, Seras is forced to fight for her life in a war she never asked to be in.

With all these key players in place, what will the following battle unfold for all of them?

THE SECOND BATTLE FOR AMIENS HAS BEGUN

OPENING MOVIE:


CHAPTER 1: FRONTLINE

DuPont

1815 Hours (6:15PM)
Ameins, Francois Republic
Market Square

<Translated from German>
(Translated from French)

The 44th Republic Infantry cleared the first line of defense. Captain DuPont and two other men looked up at the sky, noticing small black figures hovering above.

(“Do you see that? What is it?”) Said one soldier.

(“Is it one of our Air Mage squadrons?”) Said another.

Captain DuPont looked harder. His eyes widened when he realized who was flying above.

(“IT’S THE 203rd BATTALION!!! GET TO COVER, NOW!!!”) DuPont and his men hit the dirt!

<“Line up your shots!”> Tanya commanded. <“Ready!……..Aim!………Fire!”>

The Air Mages fired a thunderous barrage of artillery rounds at the ground. Several Francois troops were killed instantly, either by impact of the explosions or the resulting fall.

One stray artillery round sent DuPont flying thirty feet forward. His body hit the muddy street, and his face splashed into a puddle. He blacked out for a few minutes, struggling to open his eyes. His ears were filled with the music of gunshots, mortars, tank cannons, airplanes, screaming soldiers, and explosions. DuPont breathed painfully as he struggled back to his hands and knees. He coughed hoarsely to expel the dirty water that he accidentally swallowed. The Captain was lucky; aside from some minor bruises, he was okay.

Captain DuPont took a good look at his surroundings. It was hell on earth all around! Blue-coated Republic soldiers fought savagely against the green-coated Imperials. Most of the soldiers carried bolt-action rifles or pistols, while others used submachine guns and heavy LMGs. Other soldiers were blown to pieces by grenades of varying shapes and sizes. They were fighting in the Market Square, at the eastern end of Amiens. Many buildings that used to be stores and warehouses were reduced to crumbled walls and piles of rubble. This was the enemy’s first line of defense. When this sector falls, the Republic would have a clear path to the rest of the city.

BOOM-WIIIP!

DuPont flinched as a bullet buzzed right past his ear! He looked forward and saw not one–but three enemy soldiers shooting at him! The Captain dodged the gunfire and scrambled behind the closest sandbag he found. DuPont aimed his RSC rifle and killed the foe on the right with a shot to the chest. The two remaining Imperials continued firing at DuPont’s flimsy cover.

Though he was pinned down, the Captain kept his cool and waited for the enemies to reload. The soldier in the center ran out first and he hid next to a building to reload. His comrade cycled down to his last bullet, only for his rifle to jam. DuPont saw his opening and shot the enemy soldier in the shoulder, causing him to fall to the ground in pain. His ally reached down to help, only to die instantly when DuPont shot him in the head. As he lay bleeding on the ground, the last enemy ignored his shoulder wound and unholstered a revolver. He shot wildly at DuPont, but missed all six times. The Imperial soldier met his end when DuPont shot him through the heart.

DuPont rose and ran further towards the Market Square, but was cut short when he saw dozens of Imperial troops right in front! The Captain hid behind a broken wall of what used to be a flower shop. To his left were two other Republican soldiers also taking cover. One was armed with an M97 Shotgun, the other a Chauchat LMG. The captain peeked around the wall. His men were fighting through a dozen-or-so Imperials up ahead. Farther down, an enemy machine gun was tearing down any Francois soldiers that came within 20 yards. They were defending the first objective, which was nothing more than a pile of rubble that used to be a warehouse.

He called to the soldiers beside him: (“You two are with me! We need to take out that machine gun, or this assault ends right here!”)

(“How, sir!? There’s only one way forward and not enough cover!”) Replied the shotgunner.

DuPont peeked around the corner and saw a narrow path with a few abandoned vehicles providing decent cover. At the end was an armored truck that could be used as a machine gun position. The Captain asked the support gunner, (“You! Will you give us covering fire if we get you to that truck?”)

(“Yes, captain!”) Cried the machine gunner.

(“Then let’s go!”)

DuPont and the two soldiers rushed down the sidewalk towards the truck. As they charged, the Captain plugged three rounds into one enemy soldier, and rammed his bayonet into the stomach of another. The guy with the shotgun blasted down three Fatherland troops in quick succession at point-blank range. A fourth enemy tried to bash in the shotgunner’s head, only for the latter to block the attack and blast him through a window.

As they reached the end of the path, the support gunner took position and readied his Chauchat. He opened fire at the enemy machine gun, forcing the enemies to take cover and stop shooting.

DuPont and the shotgunner threw smoke grenades at the objective. A cloud of thick gray smoke slowly engulfed the enemy, completely blinding them. DuPont’s men had their opening.

(“Go, they can’t see us!”)

The Captain blew his whistle and rallied his men. They charged in and stormed the objective, killing the occupying enemies while they were still blind. As the Republic soldiers entered, the battle devolved into madness. Soldiers on either side were caught in terror and confusion as they could barely see past three feet.

Bullets flew wildly in random directions like hornets. Corpses were trampled by men or blown apart by explosions. Men tore each other apart with knives, maces, bayonets, and trench shovels. Those without weapons simply used rocks, bricks, or even their bare hands. Some men were even killed by friendly fire in the confusion. Simply put, it was hell on earth, just like in the trenches!

Captain DuPont had it no easier than anyone. In this chaos, his life could end in the blink of an eye. From behind, a screaming Fatherland soldier charged at him with a shovel! DuPont turned and buttstroked the enemy to the ground before bayoneting him in the throat. Another soldier sucker punched DuPont to the ground and kicked away his rifle, before moving to finish him off with a pickaxe. The Captain quickly drew his Mauser and shot three rounds through the foe’s body, killing him.

DuPont got back to his feet and drew his cavalry sword, slicing down any Fatherland soldiers that got near. Meanwhile, the shotgunner grouped with a couple of allies and held their own. When his M97 ran out, he switched to his revolver and kept shooting. The Chauchat gunner stayed outside the smoke, instead shooting at the enemy soldiers surrounding the objective.

The smoke lifted little by little, and the area became more visible. Though they’d taken several casualties, it was clear the Republic were winning. Most of the Fatherland soldiers were dead; the ones that weren’t were beginning to retreat. The final blow was when three Renault FT tanks rolled in, their thundering cannons scaring the enemies into retreat.

All at once, the guns and explosions fell silent. The ground was littered with dead soldiers and dropped weapons. Only a few Republic soldiers were left standing, including DuPont. It all ended in five minutes.

(Stop Music)

They had taken the first objective. The Captain sat against a crumbled wall to catch his breath. His face and uniform were stained with splotches of blood. The shotgunner reloaded his weapons before reaching for a cigarette. The Support gunner dropped his Chauchat when it ran out, and picked up an MG-15 from a dead enemy soldier.

The Captain stared blankly at the ghastly sight before him. When he survived his first battle months ago, DuPont was so horrified by seeing so many men die that he vomited. But he and his friends had seen it so many times they’d become desensitized–a fact DuPont hates more than he cares to admit.

But now wasn’t the time to dwell on that. There were at least three more sectors to capture, and a whole town of enemy troops protecting them. They had a long night’s fight ahead of them.

Suddenly, a fellow soldier rushed towards DuPont’s squad on a borrowed bicycle. When he got close, the trooper ditched the bike and ran up to the Captain, tired and out of breath.

(“You picked a hell of a day to run a marathon.”) DuPont said dryly. (“What’s your name and unit, soldier?”)

The young soldier saluted, (“C-c-corporal Michel, B Squad, sir!”) He panted. (“They sent me here as a runner. Our battalion has secured the old chapel a few blocks west from here. The Bosche* are falling back to the city!”)

DuPont smiled and patted the young man’s shoulder. (“Very good, Corporal. This is exactly the news I needed to hear.”)

DuPont turned to give his men their next orders: (“SOLDIERS!!! The first sector is ours! We now have a foothold into Amiens! But there’s little time to rest! We need to use this momentum to keep the Bosche* on the retreat! Remember, we’ll be fighting through narrow streets and buildings. This battle will be much different than what we’re used to in the trenches, so stay sharp!”)

(“Yes, sir!”) The men replied.

DuPont turned to the Corporal. (“Michel, you stay with us for now.”)

(“But sir, my squad–“)

(“Has more than enough men to keep fighting.”) DuPont finished. (“I need you here in case we need a runner to send messages.”)

Michel sighed and nodded. (“Yes, sir. Of course.”)

In a few minutes, a few dozen troops and tanks who survived the first charge caught up with DuPont’s position. With his reinforcements ready, they quickly abandoned the Market Square and marched further into Amiens.

*(Bosche: French slang for a German soldier. Synonyms: Kraut, Jerry, Fritz, etc.)


CHAPTER 2: DOGFIGHT

TANYA

Meanwhile…..
500ft above Amiens

Far, far above, Tanya and her 203rd Battallion watched as the battle unfolded below them. They were so high above ground, the advancing enemy soldiers and tanks looked like ants to them. The Imperial Air Mages could tell they were already on the losing side of this battle, which made them very uneasy.

Visha spoke to her Major Tanya, who was right beside her: <“Major Degurechaff, it looks like the Francois Army has already breached our first sector. Should we go after them?”>

<“Negative.”> Tanya replied in a cold, almost bored tone. <“We still control at least three more sectors, and our ground troops vastly outnumber theirs. Like I said, the enemy’s invasion is nothing but a futile, desperate–.”>

<“Aw, shit! Tanya! We got a problem!”> Warren Grantz shouted. The 2nd Lieutenant was holding a set of binoculars and facing the set of clouds behind the team. The panic in his voice was palpable.

<“Warren? What’s the matter?”> Visha asked her friend worriedly.

<“I just saw a whole squadron of enemy fighters! Dead ahead about 200 meters away!”> The other Air Mages besides Tanya looked in the direction Warren was facing, their faces contorted into shocked and fearful expressions. Warren looked through his binoculars again.

True to his report, there was indeed a squad of enemy attack planes soaring through the twilight sky.

<“You see the enemy planes? What are we going up against, and how many?”> Tanya demanded.

<“They look like SPAD S.XIII’s! I see about…..ten? Twelve? No, thirteen! I also see a few Republic Air Mages flying alongside!”>

Tanya moved in front of her battalion to get a better look. There was indeed a squadron of attack planes and Air Mages all heading for them. Each aircraft was a classic bi-plane with wooden wings and fuselages driven by a spinning propeller in the front. They each were flown by a single pilot handing both flight controls and the machine gun.

The Air Mages meanwhile, were astride floating horse-like vehicles, each propelled by a magic engine on the bottom. Each soldier wielded an RSC  rifle like the one Captain DuPont used, except they contained explosive magic rounds.

While her subordinates looked on with apprehension, she remained as calm as ever, carefully planning how to deal with this new annoyance. In a way, Tanya was happy about this.

Before now, she had to deal with nearly getting killed by that blonde bitch from last night, followed by the humiliation of getting yelled at by an officer. Now Tanya had something to take out her frustrations on.

With a cocky smirk and a chuckle, Tanya said: <“It looks like the Francois Air Force has shown up fashionably late! I say we show them a very good time! Split up and use the clouds for cover; we’ll wait here and ambush them! When the first plane falls, you go out and shoot down the rest!”>

The members of the 203rd split up in different directions and took position in several large clouds. Tanya did the same, hiding in the bottom of a large cloud with three other soldiers. Together, they waited for the enemy planes to fly in, fatally unaware of the trap waiting for them. Each passing second, they just got closer…and closer…and closer…

Tanya took aim at the lead plane with her Mondragon rifle, its magazine charged with explosive magic rounds. She curled her finger on the trigger, anxious to make the first shot. The child Major smiled like a ravenous panther ready to tear its prey to pieces. This was gonna be fun.

“Here it comes! Three…….Two…….One…….!”

BOOM!!!

Tanya’s bullet sliced through the lead airplane! It exploded into a roaring fireball that swallowed up the pilot flying it! The shocked Republicans jolted and swerved their airplanes and Air Mage gears to avoid getting caught in the flames and debris. All at once, the 203rd Battalion fired their rifles at the hapless enemy.

Magic bolts of cyan-colored rounds ripped through the sky–some on target, others missing. Four more planes were shot down, either exploding instantly or falling to the ground in spinning, flaming wrecks. The Francois Air Mages had some protection thanks to their magic shields, but were in mortal danger.

The eight remaining planes were forced to fall back and split up in teams of two. The horse-riding Air Mages panicked and did the same, retreating in several different directions.

This was so easy that Tanya almost laughed! She and the 203rd quickly broke through the clouds and gave chase to the fleeing enemies. As Air Mages, they were much smaller and more agile than the larger attack planes. And since there were so many of them, they could easily overwhelm the enemy squadron.

But Tanya didn’t concern herself with the airplanes. Taking them out would be far too easy and boring. She wanted her prey to be more…….challenging.

<“Mages! Split up in groups of three and shoot down each of those planes!”> Tanya ordered her Battalion.

“Jawhol, mein Major!” Replied Weiss, who was flying alongside Warren and Visha. <“What about those Republic Air Mages?”>

<“Leave them to me!”> Tanya boosted ahead and dashed in the direction of the five retreating enemies. They turned around and halted, barely having time to notice the tiny flash of light heading towards them. They were totally helpless.

Of course, Tanya could simply shoot them. But why waste the ammo when it was much more fun to slice open their guts up close? She magically charged her bayonet and prepared to swing!

Her first strike sliced clean through an enemy’s head and his Mage Gear! The dead soldier’s ride sparked and fizzed from the damage until it disappeared in a fiery explosion! The four survivors backed off, both out of terror and to avoid the blast.

Tanya halted in midair before preparing to charge again. The enemy Air Mages wildly fired back, only for their rounds to harmlessly bounce of Tanya’s magic barrier. However, it did stagger her long enough for them to fall back.

(“Holy shit, did you see that!? Paul just died right before our eyes!”) Cried one panicked Republican.

(“She just sliced through him like a piece of steak! That little girl is a demon!”)

(“We’re fucking done for! That bitch is gonna kill us all!”)

(“QUIET!!! Pull yourselves together, soldiers!”) The Captain shouted to snap his subordinates out of their fear. (“There’s four of us and only one of her! She can’t kill all of us! We’ll split up and attack her from different angles!”) The enemy Mages quickly carried out their orders and flew into different directions of the sky.

Tanya calmly watched as the enemy forces scattered. “Interesting. So rather than attack me all at once, they’re planning to wear me down by surrounding me. Smart. But it only means I’ll kill them one at a time!”

Tanya immediately chased after the soldier who was directly above her. Perched on his floating horse, he aimed down and desperately shot at Tanya. His comrades tried their best to cover him, but the fast little girl was a hard target, especially from a distance.

Tanya ignored the crossfire and took three shots at the prey above her. The first one missed, but the other two pierced through the enemy’s Mage Gear. The vehicle exploded, vaporizing the unfortunate soldier before he even had time to feel pain.

Tanya quickly set her sights on the idiot towards her lower right. Instead of charging in, she used her mana to project a targeting computer and locked onto him. She then powered her Mondragon with magic and fired! Shockingly, the round actually split into four beams of light! Like guided missiles, they curved on the position of the target.

The Francois Air Mage fell back in a panic! He swerved his “horse” left and right to dodge each projectile, but one caught up and pierced through his stomach. The soldier died immediately, and his body and vehicle both plummeted to the ground.

The third soldier lost his cool and charged into Tanya, enraged. “Vous enfant psychotique! Je te ferai payer le meurtre de Jacob et Victor!” Ignoring his Captain’s orders to stay put, he fired wildly at Tanya without aiming properly. “This is pathetically easy.” Tanya thought as she switched to her trusty SIG MKMS.

She quickly dodged the horse-riding Air Mage and let him pass her above her, before opening fire. The explosive bullets tore holes through the enemy’s back and his ride, destroying both instantaneously.

Now there was just one last victim–the Captain. Though he’d just lost his entire squad the grizzled vet kept his cool and fought pragmatically. Rather than charge in recklessly, he kept his distance and kept Tanya at bay with well-aimed shots. The magenta-colored rounds slammed into Tanya’s barrier, threatening to pierce it.

Tanya shot back with her SIG, but her foe quickly dodged downwards and resumed firing. Tanya smiled a little–this guy clearly wasn’t as careless and impulsive as his subordinates. Maybe he can giver her the challenge she wanted.

Tanya retreated, daring the enemy Captain to chase her. He took the bait, but kept at a distance far enough to shoot. It went this way for a few minutes, with each soldier firing and evading each other’s shots. Eventually, Tanya took a Model 24 stick grenade from her ammo pouch. She cooked the grenade and released it, letting the wind drag carry it backwards.

The grenade exploded in midair, which startled the Captain and forced him to fly through a puff of black smoke. His eyes and lungs stung by explosive powder, the Captain lost sight of Tanya–and now he was the prey. By the time he opened his eyes and saw Tanya wasn’t there, it was too late.

(“What the–where did she–“)

SQUELCH!!!

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!”

<“You looking for me?”>

The unfortunate Captain looked down and saw Tanya’s bayonet piercing his heart from the back. He turned around, and the last thing he saw was the girl’s twisted smile behind him. The dying soldier gave Tanya his venomous last words: “Va te faire foutre…Vous petit diabolique enfant!” 

Tanya removed her bayonet out of the dead man’s body and kicked him off his ride, sending him on an unceremonious trip to the ground. She decided to take the Captain’s Air Mage gear for a joyride, using her magic to keep it flying.

With all five of her enemies conquered, Tanya decided to see how her comrades were holding up. From the looks of it, they were doing quite well! There were only three planes left! Although at this distance, it was impossible to tell how many of her own men she’d lost.

Either way, it was just a matter of time before her side won this dogfight. Tanya would just be content to kick back and watch her inevitable victory come–but she wasn’t gonna miss out on her chance for three more kills!

Meanwhile, the last three Republican planes were losing desperately. The rest of their squadron were all shot down by the 203rd. The pilots were proficient, but they simply had no training or experience with fighting Air Mages. Even if they could, their planes weren’t designed for the task anyway. If they tried to retreat, they were surrounded on all sides, and were too slow to outrun the smaller, faster Mages. In short, they were screwed. But if they were going down, they’ll go down fighting!

“Meurs juste, vous salope Bosche!” Shouted one Francois pilot, as his plane was chasing one of the Air Mages, Visha. 

This deadly version of tag was anything but fun–if Visha slowed down, she’d either get shot by the machine gun or chopped to bits by the propeller. The brunette swerved left and right to force the airplane to miss every shot. The pilot gritted his teeth in frustration. How does this bitch keep dodging his bullets!?

Eventually, Visha turned around returned fire with her rifle. The bullets struct the engine, causing the propeller to sputter and smoke. The engine was damaged, but still had enough power to keep the plane flying. But it hardly mattered since the smoke blinded and choked the pilot as it whipped his face.

Visha got clear of the plane, while her partner Warren swooped down and sliced off its portside wings with his bayonet. The loss of its wing sent the airplane and its pilot on a long, downward spin to a fatal crash. Two more to go.

Warren caught up with his female ally. <“Hey, Visha! You all right?”>

Visha nodded. <“I’m okay! Thanks for the sa–“>

WHOOOOSH! WHOOOOSH!

Two more aircraft buzzed right past Visha and Warren! These last two were a pair of twin-seated Salmson 2 attack planes, each with a pilot and a rear gunner. They were both chased by two teams of five or six 203rd Air Mages. Vice Commander Weiss led the team attacking the left plane. The pilot of the aircraft jerked the flight stick upwards and spun into a barrel roll to avoid enemy fire. The constant rolling threw the rear gunner off his aim.

(“Stop rolling us, you asshole! I can’t get a clear shot!”) The frustrated gunner yelled at his pilot.

(“I’m trying to keep them putting holes in us, you idiot!”) The pilot snapped back. (“Suck it up and keep firing!”) The gunner almost wanted to punch him, but he kept his focus on the Air Mages behind him. Thankfully, he was at least managing to keep the enemy from getting to close. Unfortunately, that was the end of their luck.

Tanya joined the pursuit on her stolen Air Mage Gear and caught up to the plane. They flew side-by-side and just a few feet from each other. Tanya looked at the two pilots with her implike grin, while they looked at her with stunned disbelief.

“Guten Abend, meine Herren!” Tanya mockingly greeted them. <“My, that’s such a fine aircraft you’re flying. But I think it’ll be even more beautiful when it goes down in flames!” Before the two could retaliate, Tanya threw another grenade into the pilot’s seat.

“Putain de merde! Sortez!” Shouted the pilot as he and his gunner jumped out of the airplane. They fell and opened their parachutes right before they would be blown to bits along with their plane. The two men sighed with relief–they lost their plane, but at least they would have a slow, safe descent to the ground……

….Which was what they thought right before Tanya cut their parachute strings! The pilots were screaming as they both fell 500 feet to their deaths. <“Enjoy the trip back to the ground! Don’t worry–I’m sure they’ll find your bodies before the rats do!”> The Air Mage taunted as she watched the two men fall.

Just one more to go. The last attack plane shook off its pursuers and attempted to avenge its fallen ally. The ferocious Salmson 2 flashed its machine guns at Tanya, while the latter charged in head on. The red-hot 7.7mm bullets tore up Tanya’s flying horse, but she didn’t care. Her personal shield would keep her safe from any real damage. She just needed to keep flying.

“Closer…..closer…….closer……NOW!” Tanya jumped off her vehicle as it headed straight for the airplane! Her ride collided with the plane, causing a massive explosion that destroyed both. The pilots were killed, and the plane was reduced a falling pile of burning wood and steel.

The skies were clear. The dogfight was over. The 203rd rallied behind Tanya, taking in the glorious sight before them.

<“Holy shit! Did we really just do it?”> Said Warren, laughing with excitement. <“We actually wiped them all out!”>

<“We really did it! We just destroyed the whole enemy squadron!”> Visha cheered.

The rest of the battalion shouted cheers and cries of victory, while Tanya looked on ahead with her sadistic grin. She looked back at her men and decided not to scold them. Small celebrations like these are good for morale. She would let them have this one. The child major smiled eagerly as she wondered what her next challenge would be.

“Alright, you baguette-eating bastards. Who’s next?”


CHAPTER 3: LA PARTISANE

SERAS

Meanwhile…..
Downtown Amiens

“How the hell did I get into this mess!?” Seras thought as a few enemy bullets bounced off her cover.

If someone told Seras before she fell asleep that she would wake up in another dimension without warning, be sent out by a talking nutcracker to kill some magic Nazi 10-year-old girl, and end up fighting for her life in a bizarre version of World War One, she would think that person was either joking or crazy.

But no. This was real. This was happening. Seras Victoria–former London cop and apprentice of Alucard himself–was stuck in the middle of the streets, fighting a war she has nothing to do with, against an enemy she’s never seen, in a world she doesn’t even belong to! How the hell did it all come to this!?

The vampire soldier took cover corner of a building. She was armed with a Lebel 1886 bolt-action rifle–a decent weapon by all means, though it wasn’t her trusty Harkonnen cannon. On the other side of the street were a few squads of Fatherland stormtroopers in their olive-green uniforms and Stahlhelms.

Some were armed with bolt-action rifles, and others with machine guns. Seras didn’t know exactly how many there were, but she guessed there was around 20. Even as a vampire, it would be idiotic to charge in alone amidst so much heavy fire.

Thankfully, Seras wasn’t alone. Fighting on her side were the Partisans, civilian soldiers who took up arms to liberate their town. Though they were mostly male, several women also fought alongside them. Their ages ranged from teenagers too young for war to adults old enough to be their parents or grandparents.

The Partisans were armed with weapons they scavenged or stolen from the enemy, as well as homemade weapons like Molotov Cocktails. They were mostly dressed in normal clothes, with their only uniform being a blue cloth tied around their left arm. 

Seras was dressed the same way. Instead of her Hellsing uniform, she now wore a brown leather jacket with a white shirt underneath, and a pair of dull gray pants. A blue cloth was also tied around her upper left arm, just like the others. Like it or not, she was one of them now. They were her only chance of surviving this battle and getting home alive.

Seras carefully peeked around the corner, ignoring the bullets buzzing all around her. She used her enhanced vision to get a better look at the enemy troops. She aimed her rifle and fired, hitting one stormtrooper through the neck. The soldier fell over clutching his neck as he bled and asphyxiated to death. She fired two more times, hitting one man through the eye and another one in his lung. Even without her Harkonnen, Seras was one hell of a shot!

As she fought, the other Partisans were each playing their own part. Jean Rousseau was feeding bullets into a Vickers machine gun while his ally used it it keep suppressing fire. Jean would use the gun himself, if his arm wasn’t still broken. His wife Amelie was tending to wounded soldiers at the rear, but she kept a double-barred shotgun in case she needed to fight. A pair of captured field guns were firing explosive shells at the enemy, each manned by a single Partisan.

Although the Partisans were strong and resourceful, they were still civilians. The Fatherland soldiers were better trained, equipped, and more experienced. The sergeant in command ordered two riflemen to take sniping positions on the third floor of each side. They did as instructed, and immediately fired at the machine gunners first.

Two soldiers were killed, and two more instantly rushed to take their places. Another sniper shot at Jean’s spot and clipped his partner in the shoulder. He ducked down to help his wounded comrade while another bullet just missed his head.

Rousseau held up his hand and cried, “SNIPER! SNIPER!” The rest heeded his warning and kept their heads behind whatever cover they had. The enemy snipers kept the Partisans pinned down, allowing the other stormtroopers to advance.

Seras heard Jean call out to her: “SERAS! GET OVER HERE NOW! KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!” The blonde raced over to Rousseau as a sniper’s bullet came so close to her head, she could hear it. She crouched low to the sandbags right next to the machine gun. 

“Rousseau, what’s the problem!?”

“The Bosche just sent a sniper into one of those buildings! Take him out quick before we’re overrun!”

“Roger!” Seras replied. She went prone and placed her rifle just above the sandbags. Her eyes turned bloody crimson as she used her vampire sight to zoom in. But just where was the bastard hiding!? He gave away his position when another missed shot landed in the sandbag. The shot came from a third-story window on the right-side building.

“There you are, you wanker!” Seras growled as she opened fire.

Her first shot hit the window, but the sniper dodged it in time. He fired back, hitting the pavement right next to Seras’s hip. The sniper went downstairs and reloaded before smashing out a second-floor window. Seras saw the broken pieces of glass and fired twice. She hit the enemy once in the shoulder and again through the head, killing him instantly.

“Yes!” Seras cheered. “Rousseau, I got hi–” Her celebration was cut short when another bullet whistled past her.

“Fool! Stay focused!” Rousseau scolded her. “There’s another sniper!”

“Where is he!?”

Jean peeked over just enough to see the glint of the sniper’s scope. “There! He’s at the third-floor window! Left-side building!” He pointed at the foe’s approximate location.

“Got it!” The female went prone again and shot at the enemy’s window. But instead of the target, Seras only hit a crude decoy wearing the foe’s helmet. The real sniper was taking aim at Seras’ head from the fourth floor. Right before he shot, Amelie manned a machine gun and held him back with suppressing fire. 

“Woah! Thanks, Ame–”

“Hurry up and shoot the bastard!” The older woman barked at her.

 Seras fired two more shots at the sniper, the second wounding him in his leg. When she cycled the next round and pulled the trigger…

CLICK!

…She was empty. 

“Seriously!? Come on, I almost had him!” Seras crouched low and opened the bolt of her Lebel, but she had no idea how to reload it. And even if she did, the rifle’s internal tube magazine meant that each bullet had to be loaded one by one. It also didn’t help that Seras’ fear and adrenaline made her hands shaky.

“C’mon, c’mon! How do you reload this stupid thing!?”

When she dropped a bullet and reached down to catch it, she noticed on her left a dead Partisan clinging to a field cannon.

That gave Seras an idea. She sprinted towards the weapon and apologized to the dead man before pushing him off it. Lucky for her, a single-shot field gun wasn’t all that different from Seras’ own Harkonnen rifle. She loaded a fresh shell into the cannon and aimed it right at the sniper’s spot! The enemy’s eyes went wide in horror when he found himself on the wrong end of a field gun!

“Snipe this, you son of a bitch!” Seras roared as she fired the cannon! The exploding shell obliterated the sniper and took down a huge chunk of the building. A flood of bricks, wood, and glass rained down and crushed the hapless soldiers beneath them. The lucky survivors were left off-guard and disoriented from the falling debris.

Rousseau and the others laughed and cheered. “Great shot, Seras! We’re lucky to have you on our side!” Seras smiled appreciatively, but it wasn’t time to celebrate yet.

The Imperial sergeant ordered his remaining allies to throw smoke grenades forward to cover their advance. Under the blinding cover of smoke, the enemy made one last desperate attempt to destroy the Partisans.

Rousseau called out to the Partisans, (“They’re charging in! Everyone, we must hold this line no matter what!”). 

He looked over to Seras and cried, “Seras! Get on the machine gun, now!”

Seras immediately manned the Maxim MG and took aim at the cloud of smoke in front. Without hesitating, she jammed her thumb hard on the firing button and never let go. Every enemy that got within range of her MG was torn to shreds in seconds. With each soldier killed, Seras drew closer and closer to her bloodthirsty vampire side. Her eyes grew redder. Her fangs sharper. Her muscles stronger. Her heartbeats faster.

“Come on, then!” Seras thought. “I don’t care how many of you bastards try! You’ll never kill me! Not today! Not tomorrow!……NOT FUCKING EVER!!!!”

Eventually, the lucky few enemies who made it to the Partisans’ line began fighting them up close. It inevitably turned into a confused, chaotic brawl with soldiers on each side tearing each other apart. Jean and Amelie stuck closely and defended each other, the former with his revolver and the latter with her twin-barreled shotgun.

One soldier in a Gaede helmet kicked Seras in the face and knocked her off the machine gun. “Du wertlose republikanische Saumensch!” The soldier cursed at her in German. He came down with a knife to stab Seras in the chest, only for the latter to grab it. 

“I’ll carve your fucking heart out!”

“Not today, asshole!” She opened her mouth and bit hard on the soldier’s arm. Her fangs tore deep into the cloth, flesh, and bone with a sickening *CRUNCH!* The stormtrooper screamed in shock and pain as he uselessly tried to push Seras off his arm. The vampire forced him to the ground and immediately went for his neck. She dug her teeth into his neck, draining the blood out of the poor bastard’s until his body went cold and dead.

Seras stood up and wiped the blood away from her mouth. Her enemies and allies all stared at her, horrified that she just devoured a human being! But Seras didn’t notice or care about that. Her focus was on the two sorry bastards who were about to die.

The vampire dashed forward and drove her arm through the chest of one enemy and clawed the other’s face off with her fingers. A third stormtrooper shot at her in the back with an MP-18 submachine gun, but all it did was enrage Seras even more. She turned around and sliced the soldier’s arm off and before finishing him off with his own weapon.

Seras turned the MP-18 on more Fatherland soldiers, mowing them down before they had a chance to attack or retreat. Over time, Seras’ bloodthirsty scowl became a maniacal smile. Somehow, she was enjoying this! The thrill of combat! The joy of reducing her enemies to piles of meat. It almost made her feel like……

“So, this is what it’s like to be Master Alucard! It feels! So! Good!”

“Sie ist ein Monster! Verdammt, erschieß sie!” A panicked soldier cried as he and two others shot at Seras desperately. The vampiress plunged her gun’s spike bayonet into the lead soldier and blew a few rounds through him. She threw the left trooper into a street lamp and shattered his spine before kicking down the right one and stomping down on his skull.

The brutality was too much. Only a handful of enemies were left. The sergeant blew his whistle and ordered his remaining men to withdraw. “Es ist hoffnungslos, Kameraden! Rückzug! Rückzug!” 

Seras continued shooting at them as they retreated. When her machine gun ran out, she dropped it and switched to a Colt M1911 pistol. She fired. And fired. And fired.

“Where ya goin’? Come back and fight, you cowards! I’m not finished with you! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!”

Amelie grabbed Seras by the arms and tried to restrain her. “Stop firing! We’ve won already!”

“Get the hell off me, bi–”

(Stop Music)

SLAP!

Amelie slapped Seras hard across the face. “That’s enough! It’s over!”

Right then, Seras came back to her senses. Her human side returned. She placed her hand where Amelie slapped her, looking at the older woman like a confused child.

“A–Amelie?” She said in a quiet, wistful voice. 

“What in the world has gotten into you!?” Amelie shouted, her voice a mix of horror and anger. “We may fight our enemies! We may kill them! But we don’t eat them!” Amelie pointed at the pile of mutilated soldiers left by Seras. 

The vampire girl turned around, horrified at the carnage she’d left behind. She then took a long look at herself. Her gloves, jacket, pants and boots were all smeared with the enemy’s blood. Her M1911 was also stained with blood, its magazine fired empty. Seras couldn’t believe the terrible thing she just did.

“What have I done?” She thought. “I completely lost control of my vampire side. And it caused me to kill–no, butcher those men! I devoured them. Tore them limb from limb! What in the world have I become!?”

Farther away, the Partisans stared at Seras in fear and bewilderment. Some of them began pointing their guns at her. 

“N-no, please! Don’t shoot!” Seras protested. “I’m not gonna hurt any of you!” She knew at least Jean and Amelie understood English. And clearly it worked, because Jean actually stepped in front of Seras protectively. Amelie looked at her husband, confused and concerned for his safety.

(“Put your guns down! All of you!”) Rousseau shouted at them.

(“Rousseau, what are you doing!? Get away from her!”) Cried a Partisan named Andre.

(“She’s only a child, Andre! She’s no threat to us!”) Amelie protested.

(“No threat!? Look what she did to the enemy!”) 

More angry and scared voices clamored up. (“How do we know she won’t turn on us!?”) (“What if she’s an assassin sent from the Empire?”) (“We should hand that bitch over to the Republic Army so they can execute her!”)

(“QUIET!!! ALL OF YOU!!!”) Jean roared at his comrades. (“Seras is no threat to us! And I know this because she saved my life the other night! This young woman risked her life to carry me out of a burning house under heavy gunfire when she had no reason to! And I have the wounds to prove it!”) He showed them his right arm, which was bound to a cast after it had been broken by falling, flaming debris.

(“After that…”) he continued, (“She stood alone atop the clock tower and killed seven of the 203rd Air Mages. Seven! And she nearly killed Tanya Degurechaff! I don’t know what Seras is, but I know what she is not! And she is not our enemy! So if anyone still wants to kill her, you’ll have to shoot through me.”) Rousseau stood firmly in front of Seras, daring the others to shoot him. His wife did the same, inspired by his courage.

Andre and the other Partisans hesitated, and eventually backed down. They walked away quietly, and got to work collecting the dead and wounded. Seras sighed in relief. 

“Thank you, Rousseau.” She said. “I may not speak French, but whatever you told them really saved my life.”

“Actually, I think I saved them from you.” He said with a smile.

“Yeah…you’re right about that.” Seras looked at Amelie, who seemed to have calmed down.

“Well, I still have my concerns.” The older woman said. “But you did save my husband’s life. And if he trusts you, I trust you. Sorry for slapping you.”

“No, don’t be. I think it was necessary.” 

 Amelie smiled warmly like a mother towards her daughter. “Why don’t you take a rest, cherie? You’ve fought very ha–”

(Stop Music)

*BOOM!*

What the Hell was that!? An explosion just knocked all of them off their feet! Seras looked up. The field gun she used earlier was destroyed! The blast killed or wounded any of the Partisans within range of it.

“For God’s sake, can’t I get one break!?” Seras screamed in her mind.

“CONTRE-ATTAQUE!!!” Jean shouted at the others as they scrambled back to defensive positions. He and Amelie lifted Seras from the ground and the three of them ran back to the line. Another explosion blew apart a portion of the sandbags, leaving a hole open in their line. Just what was going on!?

Suddenly, Seras felt the ground shake beneath her like a miniature earthquake. She heard a mechanical noise like a slow-moving truck coming towards her. She used her vampire vision to look past the vanishing smoke. Seras couldn’t believe what she saw!

“No! No, you have got to be kidding me!” She said. “THEY HAVE A TANK!!!”


CHAPTER 4: A7V

A monstrous tank called an A7V Sturmpanzerwagen approached them!

The vehicle was built with bolted steel plating all around its hull. It had a boxy, rectangular shape, giving it the appearance of a giant, moving refridgerator. The tank’s weapons included a powerful 57mm Maxim-Nordenfelt cannon on the front, and several MG08 machine guns on the sides and rear. Its moving treads were almost completely hidden by the steel plating at the bottom. Inside the tank was a crew of 18 soldiers, including engineers, gunners, a driver, and a captain. 

Not that the Partisans would know. To them, this A7V was just an iron monster ready to devour them all! They panickedly fired their rifles and machine guns, but their bullets were like pebbles against the tank’s steel hull.

On the left, Andre took shots at the tank from the intact field gun. But the poorly-aimed shells merely ricocheted off the vehicle’s sloped armor. The tank turned its main gun at Andre and fired, destroying both him and the field gun.

The moving fortress crawled closer to the besieged Partisans. Its heavy treads crushed and flattened any corpses in its way, uncaring as to whether they were allies or enemies. The tank captain opened the hatch on the narrow roof of the vehicle. A cold, malicious smirk drew across his face as he saw how helpless the enemy were. A cannon was too kind for them. They deserved a much painful death.

“Voll voraus, Fahrer!” He ordered the driver. “Wir werden dieses Ungeziefer direkt unter unseren Panzer!” The captain climbed back inside and sealed the hatch above him.

“Rousseau, what’s he saying?” Seras asked.

“He just told them to run us over!”

“FUCKING HELL!!!” Seras cried. “EVERYONE, FALL BACK!!! YOU’RE GONNA GET RUN OVER!!!”

The Partisans didn’t need to understand English to know they were in danger. They all ran for their lives right before the tank trampled the sandbag wall behind them! The cannon fired at the road, the explosion killing or wounding several fleeing soldiers.

The shockwave caused Seras to trip and fall to the ground. She layed helpless on her back as she witnessed another Partisan gruesomely mulched to pieces beneath the A7V’s treads. 

The iron monster crawled closer and closer to Seras, who just froze and screamed in terror as she waited to get run over. Fortunately, she was safely pulled away to a nearby alley by Jean, Amelie, and another Partisan.

They retreated down the alley as the tank’s broadside machine guns flashed behind them. The bullets killed the random Partisan while the other three ran into a nearby building for cover. 

They entered through the rear door of the building, safely away from the machine guns. Rousseau called out for one of his men. 

(“Victor, are you here?”) Rousseau noticed Victor was missing. (“Victor? Where is he!?”)

(“He must have been killed outside!”) Amelie answered.

(“Shit! He had the explosives!”) Rousseau groaned. He turned to Seras and told her, “Seras! Victor has a bag full of explosives on his body! You need to go outside and get it!”

“And let myself get killed by machine guns!? No way!” Seras cried.

“Wait until the tank pulls forward enough for you to advance! Now go, before we all get killed!”

Seras followed Rousseau’s orders and went outside the house. She hid behind the corner, and waited until she was safely out of the tank’s line of fire. When the path was clear, Seras ran forward and picked up a leather satchel from Victor’s dead body. She carried the package back inside the house where Jean and Amelie were waiting.

“I got the explosives, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough!” Seras said.

“Let’s just hope!” Amelie said as she checked the bag. Inside were six captured stick grenades and a bundle of dynamite attached to a detonator. One of the grenades in particular had several explosive heads tied around the center, giving it an almost mushroom-like appearance.

“That’s it!? That’s all there is!?” Seras cried in disbelief.

“It’ll be enough, trust me!” Jean reassured her.

“You’re nuts! Even if you can get close to that thing, you won’t have enough explosives to destroy it!” 

“We don’t need to destroy it!” Jean said. “We just need to disable it long enough for our friends to retreat! If we damage the tank, the Bosche will be forced to stop and repair it! That’s when we’ll hit them!”

“Are you sure it’ll work?” Seras replied.

“We won’t know until we try it!” Amelie chimed in. “If we just sit around, all of our men will be slaughtered by that monster, and then we’ll be next! They need our help, and we need yours! So, will you help us or not?”

Seras bit her lip. Of course she didn’t want to go anywhere near that tank again. But she couldn’t just let more of the Partisans die. After all, she might not be alive now if Jean and Amelie hadn’t come to her rescue. 

“All right! Let’s bloody do it!” She shouted.

The three of them ran to the second floor and took position at the windows facing the street. The tank stopped right below their position, totally unaware of their presence.


CHAPTER 5: SACRIFICE

Amelie manned a Lewis machine gun that leaned against the far left window. The chunky Anti-Tank grenade was hanging by her belt. Rousseau handed Seras the dynamite and plunger before manning a Madsen MG on the right.

“Okay! Seras, listen up!” Jean shouted. “Amelie and me will damage the tank as it pulls forward, and we’ll fire down at the crew as they come out! While we draw their fire, you plant the dynamite on the tank’s main gun and blow it!”

“No problem, mate!” Seras replied.

“One other thing,” Rousseau continued. “After you destroy it, run away from here and catch up with the others! Don’t wait for us, just go!”

“Rousseau, that’s horseshit! I’m not leaving you two behind!”

“This isn’t your war, Seras! You were dragged into it by accident. An innocent girl like you shouldn’t have to die here! Besides, we’ve seen how well you can fight. You’ll survive just fine without us!”

“We’ll be okay, chérie! You don’t need to worry about us!” Amelie said with a reassuring smile. Seras sighed heavily. It was clear that the Rousseaus were going to stay behind to protect her. As much as she hated it, she had to leave them behind.

“Here it comes! Amelie, ready the grenade!” 

Amelie opened the window and cooked the AT grenade. She threw the explosive down at the rear of the tank, where it got caught in the netting holding spare gears. The grenade exploded with a loud, metallic *BANG*, and blew a wide, flaming hole in the A7V’s aft section.

Some of the unfortunate crew inside were either killed by the blast or burned to death. The survivors pushed and shoved their way out of the vehicle in panic. They had no idea they were in the crosshairs of two Partisans.

“We’ve got them!” Rousseau cheered. “Let the bastards have it!” 

Jean and his wife opened fire and rained bullets down at the Imperials, who died instantly. The ones who were still inside the damaged tank were forced to stay inside for cover.

“This is it! Seras, go!” Jean shouted.

“Alright! Good luck, and thanks for everything!” 

Seras raced downstairs into the street and towards the tank. She placed the sticky dynamite against the A7V’s nose cannon and sprinted in the opposite direction. The gunner, who was unaware of the bomb, aimed the cannon at Seras.

Right before he fired, Seras detonated the bomb, causing a massive explosion that blew up the entire front section of the tank! Both the gunner and driver were vaporized in the explosion. 

“THAT’S IT! YES!” Seras cheered when she saw what she’d done. 

She looked up at Jean and Amelie, who were still holding off the remaining Bosche. “It’s all up to you guys, now. Please don’t die on me!” 

The blonde ran farther away towards the crowd of fleeing Partisans in front.

Meanwhile, more surviving soldiers clambered out of the heavily damaged tank, though they were badly wounded. The tank captain pushed through his men. His dark green uniform was burned, and his silver blonde hair was badly singed. He had a deep cut on the right side of his head that bled down his eye. But he ignored his pain enough to shout orders to his men.

<“Those Partisan vermin are on the second floor! Get upstairs and kill them!”>

The tank crew ran into the building and up the flight of stairs that led to the second floor. A soldier in the rear aimed at the windows and shot Amelie through the stomach! The woman gasped in sudden pain and fell to the floor. She clutched her stomach, which was bleeding uncontrollably. 

(“Amelie! NOOOOO!”) Jean cried as he saw his wife mortally wounded. 

Before he could get to her, Rousseau gunned down a couple of tank soldiers who’d entered their room. His Madsen had run out of bullets. 

Jean tossed the gun away and kneeled next to his wife. He pressed his hand on her wound hoping to stop the bleeding, but all it did was make the pain worse. Amelie’s vision faded in and out as she stared at her husband’s panicked face. She didn’t have much longer to live.

(“Amelie! Stay with me, darling! I’m gonna get you out of here! Do you hear me!? You’re going to be okay!”) Jean almost started sobbing as his words came out. 

Amelie smiled weakly and took one last look at her beloved husband. (“Please…don’t be sad, Jean. Dying isn’t….such a bad thing. Because…..you’re the last thing I get to see. And that alone makes it more than worth it.”)

(“Stop that! You’re not going to die! Do you understand!?”) Jean practically wept as he spoke.

Amelie’s vision was weakening. Her eyes were half-closed. (“That girl. Seras.”) She almost whispered. (“She’s so strong. So much stronger than all of us. She will free this town, I just know it.”)

The woman placed a bloodied hand in Jean’s and gave him a farewell kiss. “Adieu, mon cœur. J’aimerais toujours–” 

*POP!*

A pistol round landed in Amelie’s head, finally killing her. Jean turned around and was shot three times in his chest. The bullets pierced his lung and stomach. He fell to the floor in agony as blood spilled out of his wounds and mouth.

Very soon, Rousseau would be dead too. By mere luck, he landed next to the bag of explosives that still had several grenades left. He snuck one in his left hand and unscrewed the cap.

The tank captain stood above him, holding a Luger pistol with a smoking barrel. He was flanked by three other tank soldiers, each aiming their rifles at Jean. 

<“I’m sorry, was that woman someone precious to you? A sister? A wife, perhaps?”> The tank captain mocked Rousseau in German. He and his minions aimed their weapons at Jean again to finish him off. <“Well, don’t you worry, my friend! You’ll see her again very soon!”>

<“Yeah….And you’re coming with me!”> 

The Partisan cooked the grenade and threw it along with the rest of the explosives at the captain! He then pulled his revolver and killed the three surrounding enemies. With his last strength, he tackled the tank captain and pinned him down with the explosives. Rousseau looked at him with fury, while the captain looked back with a pathetic look of terror.

“Vive la République!” Were Rousseau’s final words.

(Stop music)

Outside, Seras caught up to the other Partisans. She fell over hands on knees, completely out of breath. 

“You! You’re that girl from earlier!” Said the Partisan closest to Seras. “What happened to Jean and Amelie?”

“We–*pant*–we stayed behind–*pant*–to hold off the tank.” She answered. “They–*pant*–told me to–*pant*–run and catch up with you, while they hold them off.”

“Wait, so you left them alone to save yourself!?” Another soldier said in an accusatory voice.

“Piss off! It wasn’t my choice!” She replied angrily. “They told me to–”

*BOOOOOOOM!!!!*

The building where the two Partisans stayed behind exploded! Flaming pieces of wood and glass rained all over the street surrounding the heavily damaged A7V tank. The blast triggered a chain reaction that caused the tank to explode in an even greater fashion. The resulting shockwave caused the entire front section of the building to crumble and avalanche onto the street.

Seras covered her mouth, horrified to speak. The Partisans were also stunned to watch their friends go out so horribly. Eventually, one soldier cried out, (“What are you waiting for!? They might still be alive! Dig through the rubble and search!”) Seras and the other rebels ran back to rescue their friends.

But out of nowhere, a green metal canister fell from the sky. The strange object impacted the ground multiple times with a loud *CLANG.* Several more objects of the same kind fell as well, some nearly hitting the Partisans in the head. The soldiers stood a cautious distance away from the devices, fearing they might be grenades.

They were right. But instead of exploding, the grenades opened from the top, releasing thick clouds of yellow-green mustard gas into the air.

“GAS!!! GAAAAAAS!!!” One of the Partisans cried! All around, the soldiers were trapped inside a fog of blinding, suffocating toxic gas.

Seras was also dangerously exposed. She started coughing painfully from her lungs, and her eyes watered as the gas burned them.

“Crap! Must’ve inhaled some!” She thought. I need to get safe before I pass out!”

Seras wandered blindly in front with one arm outstretched, looking for a safe place. She passed by several other Partisans who were choking, gasping, and vomiting to a slow, painful death. 

Seras found a door leading to an abandoned townhouse. She ran inside and slammed the door behind her. She’d only inhaled a small dose of gas, but it made her very weak and sick. 

There was nothing she could do to save the others. If she stayed outside any longer, she would die with them. 

Seras fell to the floor, dizzy and losing consciousness. Through the window, she could see the evening sky through the green cloak of mustard gas. The last thing she saw before passing out was a group of small, black figures flying far overhead.


CHAPTER 6: CASUALTIES OF WAR

9:38PM
THREE HOURS LATER…

Seras awoke to the sound of light rain and faraway gunfire. She fought to open her eyes, which were still burning red from the poison gas attack. The blonde saw through the window that it was nighttime. The gas lifted away and dissipated. The sky was dark and covered in long, stormy clouds.

By some miracle, Seras was still alive. Either she stayed in cover long enough to avoid any fatal damage, or her healing factor had kicked in just in time. Either way, she was still weak and delirious from inhaling the gas. It took her almost fifteen minutes to find the strength to stand up.

She almost felt like she had the flu. Her stance was awkward and shaky. Her lungs and throat were sore and heavy. Her head pounded like it was about to explode. The acrid stench of mustard gas still lingered in her nose. Seras limped towards the door and went through. 

What she saw next would haunt her for the rest of her life.

“Oh, my God…”

Everyone was dead.

Everyone.

Men and women.

Young and old.

Allies and enemies.

The street was covered with fallen Partisans who all died of gas poisoning. Their bodies were contorted in horrible, unnatural ways. Many of them died with their eyes wide open, with expressions of sheer terror and agony.

These soldiers fought so bravely, so desperately to free their town. And yet they all died so quickly, so easily, so pointlessly. 

As if to add to her horror, Seras noticed the body of a Partisan woman outside of the door she took cover behind. The dying woman was forced to crawl to the door because the gas made her too weak to even stand. When she couldn’t reach the doorknob, she desperately clawed and scratched at the door until her fingernails cracked, leaving deep, bloody marks against the wood. Seras left that woman there to die. She killed her. 

Seras was so sick to her stomach that she could vomit. She was reminded of the gruesome pile of dead soldiers she’d woken up to when she started this whole adventure. But while that was merely horrifying, this was far more devastating.

These people saved her life. She fought alongside these brave men and women. Killed enemy soldiers for them. Went Full Vampire for them. Even blew up a tank for them! And all that just to watch helplessly as they died torturous, meaningless deaths like cockroaches.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” Seras fell to her knees and grabbed both sides of her head. She was on the verge of crying. 

“How? How did this all go so wrong!?” She thought. “Ever since I came here it’s just been one misadventure after another! That burning house. The clock tower. That fucking tank–”

……The tank! Jean and Amelie! Maybe they were still alive! Seras forgot her grief for a moment as she sprinted back to the two’s last known location. But when she got there, reality immediately shattered her spirit.

The A7V was nothing more than a pile of ruined, burning junk. The building beside it was demolished. Anyone in the surrounding area was either caught in the blast or crushed beneath several pounds of wood, brick and rock.

Seras knew it was childish to think anyone could have survived that. Still, she had to try. She climbed up and dug deeply into the pile of debris, pushing away anything that wasn’t her two allies. 

Seras was overjoyed for a brief moment when she found Jean’s arm, still wrapped in its cast, though all ripped up. She reached down to pull him out–only to discover that his arm was the only part of him left. The rest of him was completely destroyed in the explosion. Seras covered her mouth to keep herself from screaming in anguish. 

“No! Damn it, no! Rousseau, why’d you have to–” Seras held back her tears and resumed digging. “Maybe Amelie’s still alive down there! I have to look!” It was naive at this point, but she had to hope that at least one of the Rousseaus was still alive.

Her last frail hope was crushed when Seras found Amelie with several bullet and shrapnel wounds all over her body. Even if she survived those, she would’ve been crushed to death from being buried alive for hours. The Rousseaus gave up their lives to protect their comrades. They had sacrificed themselves for nothing. 

Seras couldn’t contain herself any longer. She completely broke down and started crying. Though she only knew them for a short time, they were the only allies–the only friends–Seras had made since she came to this insane world. Now that they were gone, she was all alone again.

The rain was coming down harder. Seras needed to find cover. She took shelter in a nearby trolley, where she continued to weep.

“Why? What’s the point of all this?” She thought. “They push. We push. And we all end up dead in the end! And for what? What’s the use of all this senseless killing!?”

Why would Being X put her through all this? Ever since Seras got dragged into this war, it’s just been one disaster after another. 

“…..No. That’s how it’s always been for me.” She realized. “For my entire life, ever since I was young.”

“Watching my parents murdered in front of me.”

“Getting kicked out of the orphanage.”

“That psychotic priest who tried to turn me into a Ghoul.”

This was just the latest in a long history of catastrophes. At least in her own world, she could rely on the help of her friends: Master Alucard. Sir Integra Hellsing. Captain Pip Bernadotte. Even their butler Walter Dornez. Now, they would have no idea where she is or what happened to her. 

Seras was lost and alone. With no plan. No hope. No way home.

“I just want to go home. I just want to go home. I just want to go home.”


CHAPTER 7: DESERTERS

Seras heard something! Voices? From outside? Were there survivors after all? 

The girl got out of her seat and ran to the front of the trolly. She brushed away the tears in her eyes to get a proper look.

It was very faint, but there were definitely human voices several yards ahead. Seras used her vampire vision to see whom they belonged to.

To her disgust, the people she heard weren’t Partisans. They were a gang of four Fatherland soldiers. The enemies were looting from the bodies of the dead Partisans. They were perfectly healthy, having somehow avoided the gas attack.

Seras couldn’t understand their language, but she could tell by their laughing and smiling that they were enjoying themselves.

<“Man, these poor bastards. The gas extinguished each and every one of them.”> Said one young-looking soldier.

<“Better them than us, Dieter! It’s not like they’ll need all this food and ammunition anymore.”> Another soldier named Erwin replied as he stuffed his bag full of food cans and ammo.

The third soldier, Karl, was greedily picking rings, pocket watches, and other valuable items. <“Maybe with enough cash we can buy some boat tickets and sail our way out of this war!”>

The tallest soldier was opposite him, robbing from the corpse of a Partisan woman. <“Ah, it’s a shame that the women are dead too. Otherwise we could have had fun with them!”>

<“You’re such a pig, Johann.”> Said the younger soldier Dieter with disgust. Johann simply brushed it off and continued.

“Monsters! Fucking monsters!” Seras thought as her sorrow turned to rage and disgust.

“Those men aren’t survivors. They’re just cowardly vultures chewing on the remains!” 

Seras felt herself turning to her vampire side again, but much more willingly this time. 

<“Crap, I gotta go take a leak. Be back in a minute.”> Johann muttered. 

<“Just do it where we can’t see you, you dog.”> Erwin replied.

<“Eat shit and die, Erwin.”> Johann flipped him off and walked away from the group. 

Seras watched him as he approached the trolley where she was hiding. She reloaded her M1911 and crouched behind a seat, ready to ambush. Johan unzipped his fly and relieved himself on the ground.

Right as he finished peeing, Seras grabbed the helpless soldier by the face and neck and dragged him inside the trolley. She held him to the ground without giving him a chance to break free.

Seras held Johann’s mouth shut to prevent him from calling for help. All he could do was stare at the blonde girl in terrified confusion. Seras opened her mouth and sank her fangs into Johann’s neck. His screams of dying agony were muffled as the vampire girl tore him to pieces. 

A few minutes passed. Johann’s friends were becoming worried about him.

<“Johann’s been gone for a while.”> Dieter said. <”I sure hope he’s okay.”>

<“You know Johann. It’s probably just another stupid joke.”> Said Karl, who didn’t even look upwards as he kept his focus on his corpse-looting.

<“Come on, kameraden. Let’s go see if the idiot’s okay.”> Erwin ordered the others. 

The trio walked towards the trolley, using the flashlights attached to their rifles for guidance. Erwin saw the piss stain Johann left behind. He then turned right, and to his shock, saw Johann’s body mutilated. His throat had been slashed several inches open, and a fountain of blood spilled out. A massive hole was clawed into his stomach, as if he’d been mauled to death by a wild tiger. 

<“Shit! Johann!”> Dieter cried out!

<“What the hell was he attacked by!? A wild dog!?”> Said Karl. 

<“Whatever it was, it’s probably still around this area.”> Erwin ordered the others. <”Both of you fan out and find whatever it was that kill–”>

*BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!*

Erwin took several .45 ACP rounds to the chest and face, and fell over dead. The two remaining soldiers looked to their left. Standing at the rear of the trolley was Seras, who was pointing a smoking Colt 1911 at them.

“Lookin’ for me, you bastards?”

<“My God! Who the fuck is she!?“> Dieter shouted.

<“Does that really matter!? Just shoot her!”>

Dieter and Karl immediately shot at Seras with their rifles. It turned out to be useless because Seras’ agility had grown to the point that to her, the bullets approached her in slow motion. She dodged every gunshot at lightning speed, completely bewildering the two human soldiers.

Seras circled the two and lunged at Karl, holding him against the trolley by the face. She plugged her last two pistol rounds into his stomach before throwing him to the floor. The vampire tossed away the gun and wielded a short trench shovel that she took from Johann’s corpse.

She repeatedly smashed Karl’s skull in with the flat end of the shovel. Each strike caused multiple bloody bruises and shattered bones all across his face.

“Die! You! Son! Of! A! BITCH!!!” Seras’s final strike broke the shovel’s blade off of its handle. Karl was dead, his face smashed into a faceless, bloody pulp.

Only Dieter was left. He dropped his rifle and tried to run away, but Seras was far too quick. She grabbed him by the jacket and held him against the outer wall of a building. The panicked soldier begged for his life.

“Nein! Bitte! Ich gebe auf! Bitte, töte mich nicht!”

“Do you speak English?” Seras growled at him.

“W-was?”

“DO–YOU–SPEAK–ENGLISH!?” Seras pressed Dieter harder against the wall. Her face was mere inches away from his.

 “Yes! I can speak! A little!” Dieter cried.

“Why did you do it? Why did you try to kill all of us using poison gas!?”

“The gas? Th-that had nothing to do with us, I swear!”

“Bullshit! Don’t you dare try to play dumb with me!” The Vampire hissed. “You sent those gas grenades at us so you could loot our bodies after we died! You disgust me!”

“What we did was wrong! I know that!” Dieter said. “But we weren’t the ones who killed them! We’re deserters! We only came to surrender to you to get out of this war! And then those gas grenades fell out of the sky! The four of us hid inside a motel for hours until the gas dissipated. When we came out, we saw all the food and items those Partisans had, and thought maybe they wouldn’t need them anymore! That’s the truth, I swear it!”

“Well, if you didn’t do it, who did? Huh? ANSWER ME!!!”

“I–I remember looking up and seeing a group of Air Mages in the sky. One of them was this little girl with long, blonde hair.?”

“A little flying girl with blonde hair?…..You mean Tanya!?”

“Yes! That’s the one! Tanya Degurechaff!” Dieter almost smiled.

Seras couldn’t believe it. She’d spent so much time fighting that she forgot the whole reason she was here in the first place.

“Where did she go? Tell me!” Seras’ tone sounded more desperate than angry.

“Oh, come on. I don’t know…” Dieter whined.

“Mate, you have no idea of all the horrible shit I’ve been through since yesterday. I’ll be lucky if I’m ever able to sleep again! If you don’t want to end up like your friends I just slaughtered, you’ll give me something NOW!”

Dieter needed to give an answer right now. “She’s–she’s probably headed to the church!”

“What church!?”

“The Amiens Cathedral! On the west side of town! It’s our last line of defense! The Republic is trying to take it back from us! Degurechaff is probably on her way to stop them! If you hurry, you might catch up with her!”

“And where can I find this cathedral?”

Dieter pointed to his right to a set of railroad tracks in a pit. “There! Follow the railway! It’ll lead you in the same direction! The church will be on the right side!”

“How do I know you’re not lying?”

“What would I have to gain by lying?” Dieter pleaded. “You’d find me again and butcher me like you did my men. I swear to God it’s the truth!”

Seras paused and took a long look at Dieter’s eyes. Somehow, she knew he wasn’t lying. She let go of the soldier and dropped him on the ground.

“Go! Get out of this town and away from this war!” She ordered him. “Run as far away as you can, and don’t come back! And if I find out you’re lying, there’s nowhere in the world where I can’t find you! Do you understand!?”

Ja! Ich verstehe!” Dieter replied. “You won’t see me again, I promise!” Dieter ran far down the street until he was out of Seras’ sight.

The vampire followed Dieter’s directions and walked alongside the train tracks. She now had a new objective.

 But more than that, she now had a plan. 

She had hope. 

She had a way home.

“Rousseau. Amelie. Everyone else. I swear to you all, I won’t let your deaths be in vain. I won’t rest until every single one of those Kraut bastards is dead! 

“I will avenge you!”

“I will get home!”

“I. WILL. KILL HER.”


CHAPTER 8: DESPERATE ASSAULT

DuPont

10:00PM
400 meters from Amiens Cathedral

(“Come on! The final objective is within our reach!”) Captain DuPont shouted to his regiment. 

The 44th Republic Infantry fought through checkpoint after checkpoint, driving back any Imperial forces in their way. After many exhausting hours of battle, they’d finally backed the enemy into a corner. Only one objective remained: the Amiens Cathedral. If they took that, nothing would stop them from securing the railway and reclaiming Amiens. Victory was in plain sight.

However, there were three major problems in the way:

First, the street was narrow and blocked on either side by buildings. Flanking was impossible, and the only path leading to the church was fortified with machine guns, barbed wire, and heavy amounts of cover. The Imperials had enough troops to stall the Republic’s advance under constant gunfire. Tanks were the only thing capable of breaching the enemy’s defense, but most of them were either destroyed or stopped for refueling or repairs. 

Second, the Bosche used the church as a strategic defense ever since the occupation. Over two weeks, the building became a virtual fortress, with hundreds of soldiers defending it. Even more dangerous were the massive Flak 88 artillery cannons that were placed around the perimeter of the church. Not only were they lethal to infantry, but each cannon had enough firepower to blow apart a whole tank in a single shot! As long as they were intact, those cannons were a major threat.

The third and most critical problem–DuPont was running out of men. This battle had taken a huge toll on his invasion force. He started this assault with roughly 200,000 men and 40 tanks. In just hours, he was down to around 80,000 and only a handful of tanks. He had enough men to continue fighting, but they were still heavily outnumbered and outgunned by the enemy. And even then their numbers didn’t matter as long as they were pinned down. Without those tanks, this whole attack was stalled.

He kept his head low beneath a pile of sandbags, with two other men beside him. He already sent out his runner Corporal Michel to get an update on when the tanks would be ready to fight again. Without them, they couldn’t push their attack any further.

The Captain lost his RSC rifle earlier in the battle. He was now using a submachine gun called a Beretta Automatico 1918.

A weapon of Italian design, it was basically a normal carbine modified into a machine gun. The Automatico had a short barrel with a bipod and bayonet attached at the front. A long 25-round clip jutted from the top, using gravity to push the bullets down. This gave the gun an excellent rate of fire, but also made it difficult to control. DuPont didn’t really care for this gun, but a weapon was a weapon.

He stayed close to the ground to avoid the whizzing gunfire above him. When the enemies got close, he sprayed the Automatico’s bullets to hold them back. The shotgunner and LMG soldier were also doing their best to defend their positions. Right now, their situation was increasingly desperate.

“Damn it! Where the hell is Michel!?” He thought. “I need him to get me a report on those tanks!”

About fifteen minutes passed. Michel came into sight riding a horse to DuPont’s position. He dismounted at a safe position and ran the rest of the way on foot.

(“You took your sweet time getting here, corporal!”) DuPont greeted Michel. (“What’s the update on those tanks?”)

(“Sir! We’ve lost about half of our tanks! The rest are still under maintenance!”)

(“How long will it take them to finish?”)

(“They said in about thirty minutes! That was before I came back!”)

(“We’ll all be dead in thirty minutes if we have to wait any longer! What about our air support?”)

(“We have no air support, sir!”)

(“WHAT!?”)

(“WE HAVE–NO–AIR SUPPORT!!!”) Michel shouted. (“All of our planes and Air Mages have been shot down! Every last one!”)

The captain grimaced. The loss of their air power could only be caused by that bitch Tanya Degurechaff. With no air support and no way to contact their tanks, they were on their own.

(“What do we do now, sir!?”) Michel panicked as he hid beneath the sandbags.

(“We stay here and fight! To the last man, if we must!”) The Captain said as he reloaded his Automatico.

And they did just that, without hesitation. Whether it was by courage, desperation, or stupidity, the 44th never backed away. They kept their guns hot and fired relentlessly at the Boshe. But as minutes wore on, more of DuPont’s men were getting killed or critically wounded. To make matters worse, the enemy decided to push their attack.

(“The Bosche bastards are closing in! Hold them back!”) DuPont roared. 

The Captain rested his gun on his cover and opened fire. The Automatico was a terror at close range, but eats through bullets like candy. After only a few bursts, DuPont was forced to reload. But just when he reached for a clip, one of his men men cried out (“FLAME TROOPER!!!”)

“Flame trooper!? Oh, you can’t be fucking serious!” DuPont thought as he peeked over his cover. To his horror, there was indeed an armored enemy soldier wielding a Wex Flammenwerfer.

Dressed in a thick fireproof suit and a terrifying gas mask, he looked more like a demon from Hell than a man. His flamethrower was a long metal hose attached to a doughnut-shaped tank on his back. The weapon breathed fire intense enough to burn men down to the bone at a range of 330 feet. The flame trooper’s squadmates took care to stay back in order to avoid getting burned.

DuPont rarely panicked in the sight of death, but this time he couldn’t help himself. (“FALL BACK, OR YOU’LL GET BURNED ALIVE!!!”)

The Captain and his men retreated as fast as they could. Some were caught in the trooper’s hellish flames and died horrible, burning deaths. DuPont and Michel took cover in a building on their right and ran to the second floor. They looked through the window, and watched the pyromaniac wreak havoc on the ground. He was indiscriminately setting both his allies and DuPont’s men ablaze. 

(“This bastard’s burning his own men, too!? Doesn’t he even care about them!?”) Michel said in disgust. 

DuPont shushed him and calmed himself down. He paid close attention to the fuel tank the flame trooper held on his back. Maybe that was a weak point!

(Michel! If you can still shoot, aim at that lunatic’s back!”)

(“But if we shoot him, he’ll know we’re up here!”)

(Damn it, we have to try! If we don’t kill him, we’ll all be incinerated!”)

DuPont and Michel aimed their weapons and shot at the trooper’s round tank. Shooting it caused the flamethrower fuel to ignite out of control. By the time the trooper realized what happened, it was too late.

He tried in vain to remove the tank before it blew up. His screams of terror were muffled by his mask. Finally, the tank detonated, killing the flame trooper and any surrounding men and objects.

DuPont and Michel ran away from the windows to avoid the explosion. Minutes later, they went downstairs and back onto the streets. They were relieved to see that nothing of the flame trooper survived.

(Stop Music)

There was a temporary quiet. Either the enemy were caught in the explosion, or they fell back to avoid it. Either way, this was as good a chance as any to rest. Some of DuPont’s men who hadn’t been burned or blown up regrouped with him. Their blue uniforms were tattered and scorched, no doubt after almost getting immolated.

(“What do we do now, Captain?”) One soldier asked.

(“Looks like the Bosche have fallen back for now.”) DuPont said. (“Let’s use this time to rest and prepare a counterattack. Gather our dead and wounded, collect the enemy’s weapons, and meet back here to–”)

(“Oh, shit! Everyone, look!”) Michel pointed up at the sky. Far above in the distance was the vision of their worst nightmare: the 203rd Air Mages. And of course, Tanya was leading them.

DuPont and his surviving men were stunned with dread. There was no way they could survive another artillery barrage by the 203rd. If they tried to attack, the enemy was too far out of range. If they retreated, the 203rd would outrun them. If they took cover, the Air Mages would just collapse the buildings on top of them. There was literally nothing they could do, except wait to die.

The Captain thought back to his life before the war began. Back to when he lived in the capital with his wife Helen. They had only been married for a year, and lived a simple, happy life working at his wife’s bakery. By the time war was declared, Helen was six months pregnant with their first child. Pierre was forced to leave them due to the Republic’s conscription of all military-age males. 

Before Pierre left, he promised his wife, (“I will come back to you, my love. I’ll write to you every single day. And I will return to see you and our child when this war is over.”)

And now, he would never make that promise. He would never come home to his wife. He would never have a chance to meet his child. He would never lead his men safely through this campaign. He was going to die a pointless, cruel death like so many others in this war.

“It’s over. The battle is lost. We’re finished.”


CHAPTER 9: TRUE VAMPIRE

TANYA

Tanya and her battalion hovered high over the battlefield, observing the carnage below. While her subordinates looked on in silent mourning, Tanya was as cold and unemotional as ever.

The Imperial defenses managed to hold out for this long, despite taking huge casualties. As for the Republic they proved to be more troublesome than Tanya expected. Had the enemy finally managed to send some decently trained soldiers to fight, or had her own forces become lazy and incompetent over the past two weeks? In any case the Imperial defenses managed to last this long, despite taking huge casualties.

“I’m impressed how our ground forces managed to hold out with such a shoddy defense.” She thought.“Really, what idiot commander decided to send a flame trooper in such a narrow, crowded spot? It’s gonna be a logistical nightmare cleaning the mess left by all this.”

Oh, well. At least now that they’re present, they can finally end this absurd battle.

<“BATTALION!!!”> The blonde called out to her men. <“The enemy has made a valiant effort, but their assault ends here! I believe it’s time we send them a clear message! Amiens belongs to the Fatherland! And it will stay that way for however long we wish! If they want to die for this town, let’s grant them their wish! Ready your weapons!”>

The 203rd loaded their guns and charged artillery spells.

<“AIM!!!”>

They all paused to aim and awaited the next order.

<“FI–”>

<“WHAT!?”> 

Tanya couldn’t believe what she saw! Without warning, they were just suddenly attacked by a huge barrage of gunfire! She and some of her men managed to evade the shots, but many were torn to pieces in an instant!

<“Just where the fuck did that even come from!?”> Tanya cried. <“All of you, find where those shots came from, now!”> The Air Mages looked around frantically to find this new enemy.

DuPont and his regiment were confused as well. Right when they were on the verge of death, they were saved by some unknown soldier? Just who came to their rescue?

The answer for all of them came after the firing stopped. Tanya heard a familiar voice that chilled her spine.

“OI! LITTLE MISS KRAUT! DOWN HERE!”

“No……No! This is a joke, right? It can’t be her!

SERAS

“Yeah, that’s right! You remember me, don’t you! Last night at the clock tower–you shot me in the head! Well, guess what–I got better!” 

Seras was standing on one of the rooftops just right next to the battlefield in the street.

Seras looked like a completely different person. Her skin and hair had dulled to an almost-white shade. Her eyes were now permanently blood-red. Her Partisan uniform had changed to dark crimson and black, as if they were soaked in blood. What was most frightening was the aura of rage and bloodlust she seemed to give off. In other words, Seras was now a True Vampire.

Everyone who looked at her was stunned, but for different reasons. To DuPont and his men, she was their avenging angel come to save them. To the Bosche, she was a raging demon coming for their blood. To Tanya and the 203rd, she was a ghost coming back to haunt her!

Tanya’s men were lost in fear and confusion. 

<“Isn’t that the Partisan spy from last night? I thought we killed her!”> Warren said.

<“The Major shot her in the head! How did she survive!?”> Visha replied.

“No! This isn’t happening! Why are you here!? WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?” Tanya screamed at the top of her lungs.

“Ah, so you do remember me. Good!” Seras said with a cocky smirk. “A little birdy told me I’d find you buzzing around this sorry place. I guess he was right! I don’t know what army would be sick enough to send little girls to fight, but they’re the most bloody pathetic one I’ve ever seen!”

Seras paused for a second and continued, “I’ve heard a few people call you the ‘Devil of the Rhine,’ or some bollocks like that. Well, I’ve seen the devil! I’ve served him! Fought with him! Seen him tear humans, ghouls, and vampires limb from limb! And you haven’t earned the right to compare yourself to him! Without your friends protecting you, you’re just a sad little girl with a few magic tricks and delusions of grandeur!”

The Vampire used her enhanced vision to close in on Tanya’s face. The Air Mage was so infuriated that her whole face turned red. Good!

“So come at me! All of you! Bring all the magic and bullets you got at me! It won’t matter in the end! Because you’ll never kill me! Not today! Not tomorrow! Not fucking ever! And one last thing–we have a saying at Hellsing Manor.”

“BITCHES LOVE CANNONS!”

No more words were spoken. Seras loaded her Harkonnen II’s for another salvo. Tanya and her 203rd prepared their weapons as well. A short, heavy silence broke between them. Each side was ready to fire until every last bullet was spent.

This was the beginning of their final battle.

DuPont looked up at this bizarre turn of events. A single girl with two gigantic cannons was taking on the entire 203rd Air Mage Battalion! Somehow, he gave a small smile.

“That girl just saved this war for us!”

TO BE CONCLUDED IN PART 3

Death Battle: Seras vs Tanya (Part 1)

Edward: Excellent! We’ve compiled the research, analyzed the fighters, and came to our final conclusion! There’s only one thing left to do!

Louis: Without further ado, it’s time to go to war!

Edward: Seras Victoria or Tanya Degurechaff? Which of these courageous soldiers will win in a historic duel between two European empires?

Louis: The outcome of this great war is once again centered on this website. Prepare your weapons, hone your courage, and now……….IT’S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!

OPENING MOVIE:


CHAPTER 1: BEING X

SERAS

2138 Hours (9:38PM)
No Man’s Land

“Wh–what the? This isn’t my–“

The first thing Seras felt was the cold rain pelting against her back, and the wet, muddy ground beneath her chest, The harsh smell of fire and gunpowder filled her nostrils. The blonde vampire woke up slowly, her eyes filled with the sight of what seemed to be a damaged artillery cannon.

At Seras’ foot was the fallen body of a young man in a blue uniform and a bowl-shaped helmet holding a bolt-action rifle. The soldier was killed, his death made evident by the three massive bullet wounds through his back.

Seras backed away in terror and turned around, only to see that the ground was littered with more young soldiers killed in similar fashions. Some wore light blue uniforms like their comrade while their enemies were dressed in olive green, but they were all dead the same.

Their bodies twisted in grotesque positions, and their injuries ranged widely from bullet wounds, to stab wounds, shrapnel wounds, gas burns, and so on. Also among the dead were horses with their riders shot off of them, pigeons who were carrying small messages, and dogs who died protecting their handlers.

All around, the land was wracked in ruin and destruction. The ground was covered in huge, wide craters like a lunar landscape. Trees were stripped of their branches and reduced to tall spires of burnt wood. A tall windmill was found with a big, gaping hole in one side. Beside the structure were the broken husks of airplanes, tanks, and armored cars, now serving as the coffins of the people who drove them. A thick, black blanket of clouds covered the sky so much that one couldn’t even tell night from day.

Seras Victoria froze in fear as all these terrible sights hit her at once.

“Just where the Hell am I!? Is this some kind of battlefield?”

The rain came down harder, making the mud too liquid and sticky to traverse. The vampire girl climbed out of the trench and walked on solid ground. The merciless rain pelted her hair, face and clothes, but she was too lost in her thoughts to notice.

“None of this makes sense!” She thought. “Just what the bloody hell is going on!? Last night, I was asleep in my coffin in Hellsing Manor just like always, and now….What am I doing in the middle of a warzone!?”

Maybe this was some sort of nightmare. She had been suffering a lot of those since becoming a vampire. But…….her nightmares usually involved something strange and cartoonish, like her being chased by ghouls, or speaking to her Master Alucard. This felt far too real and far too grim to be the case.

Seras felt sick with a knawing feeling in her stomach. All around her, she saw nothing but death across the silent battlefield.

Desperately, she tried calling out the names of her friends:

“MASTER ALUCAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!!!”

“SIR INTEGRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!”

“WALTEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!”

“CAPTAIN BEEEEEERNADOOOOOOOOOOOTTE!!!!!!!!”

Her voice echoed for several yards ahead, but no one answered. “Anybody?” Seras squeaked, before she finally realized she was all alone.

With no guide and no destination in sight, all the frightened 19-year-old could do was find a place to take shelter from the rain. Seras aimlessly wandered the battlefield for what seemed like twenty minutes and just when she was about to give up hope, she found a small church with its roof blown open and its windows shattered. At least the walls were still intact.

She raced towards the small structure, but cautiously crept through the doors. Without speaking, she peeked inside, and found that it was completely vacant. No soldiers–not even dead ones–were inside. The interior was a gloomy blueish-black, the benches and statues vastly damaged by what seemed like gunfire from the outside.

The vampire girl was alone, but at least she’d found a place to rest and get out of the rain. She picked a dry spot away from a hole in the ceiling and sat on the floor. Her body was shivering, her hair and clothes soaking wet from the freezing rain.

Her mind was racing through a forest of questions: Was she still in England? Had she gone back in time? Was this some alternate world where the Millennium Army had taken over Europe? Or maybe it really all was just a bizarre nightmare?

“It’s gotta be a nightmare.” Seras concluded in her mind. “It’s just got to be. I’ll just close my eyes, and go back to sleep. Next morning, I’ll be awake in my coffin at the mansion, and everything will be normal again.”

Ignoring the cold across her body, blonde girl yawned loudly, and lied on the rocky floor in a fetal position. She closed her eyes, and calmed herself back to sleep.

The world around Seras turned pitch black, devoid of any objects or people. Except for one. Seras noticed a small wooden nutcracker on the floor. The strange toy was painted like a Royal British soldier from the 18th Century. Such a thing seemed wildly out-of-place for someplace like this. Maybe it was another part of her nightmare?

Seras picked up the toy and looked at it closely. It seemed like an ordinary nutcracker, with its bright red paint, its white felt beard, and its wide, toothy mouth. It looked so normal, in fact, that Seras wasn’t prepared for what would happen next.

“SERAS VICTORIA.” A thunderous voice boomed in the dark place. Seras yelped and dropped the toy in shock.

“Wh–what the Hell!? Who’s talking!?” Seras frantically looked around for the source of that voice, until she looked down and realized that it was coming from the nutcracker itself!

“FEAR NOT, MY CHILD. FOR I AM THE GOD OF THE WORLD IN WHICH YOU STAND.” The nutcracker spoke without moving its mouth. “BUT YOU MAY ADDRESS ME AS……‘BEING X.’

“First minute, I wake up in a warzone in the middle of nowhere, and the next minute God’s talking to me!? Now I know I’m in a bloody nightmare!” Seras shouted in her mind.

“HEED MY WORDS, YOUNG SERAS, FOR I HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE TO COMPLETE A TASK OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE.” The god disguised as a nutcracker said.
“YOU WILL TRAVEL WEST TO THE RUINED TOWN OF AMIENS. THERE YOU WILL FIND A CHILD SOLDIER WITH BRIGHT YELLOW HAIR AND CRYSTAL BLUE EYES. MANY KNOW HER AS THE “DEVIL OF THE RHINE”, FOR THE ABHORRENT NUMBER OF LIVES SHE HAS TAKEN DURING THIS WAR. SHE IS AN UNFAITHFUL CHILD WHO CONTINUES TO FORSAKE ME AND CAST DOWN MY NAME. THE TIME HAS COME FOR HER JUDGEMENT. DESTROY THIS WICKED CREATURE, AND I SHALL RETURN THEE TO THINE PROPER WORLD. NOW, GO!”

All of a sudden, a bright flash emanated from the nutcracker, and Seras covered her face she was overwhelmed!

“AHHHHHHH!!!!!” Seras woke up shrieking, her eyes shooting open in terror. Looking around, she saw that she was still in the same crumbling church in the same battlefield under the same heavy rain. However, one thing was different: Seras’ hand was resting on one of her weapons–the semiautomatic Anti-Midians rifle. And slung on her back was her own Harkonnen I Anti-Tank Rifle! Where did they come from? She didn’t bring them with her!

On top of that, she was instructed by a damn NUTCRACKER that the only way to get home was to kill some girl she doesn’t even know! Was Seras going insane!?

“This–this is no nightmare.” Seras realized to her horror. “This is all real. It’s really happening!” Still, she had no other leads or ideas to go on. If she was to get home, her only chance was to go west and find this “Devil of the Rhine.” Whoever she was.


CHAPTER 2: AMIENS

TANYA

Two hours later….
Amiens, Francois Republic
5 miles west

Amiens was once a beautiful and lively town, known for its delicious food, grand cathedrals, joyful people, and colorful architecture. But as the war found its way to the Francois Republic, all of that faded away.

The city had come under attack by the Empire, a warring neighbor of the Republic. The Republican soldiers were courageous, but no match for the Empire’s fearsome squads of elite Air Mages. After long months of fighting, the Republicans were pushed far back into Amiens, and their city fell under control of their enemies.

Weeks passed, and Amiens was a shadow of its former self. The town’s food became rations for Imperial soldiers; their churches and hospitals were used as barracks; the colorful atmosphere became dull and gray due to bad weather; and the people grew scared and resentful of their enemies. All in all, Amiens was now a town of misery.

Along the narrow streets was a small squadron of Imperial Air Mages, their dark green uniforms hidden beneath the heavy raincoats they are forced to wear due to the storm. They were members of the 203rd Battalion, a team of proud and elite Air Mages who had scored more victories for the Empire than any other unit. They were also part of the expedition that captured Amiens. For two weeks the Republican town was under their control, and now they ran the duty of patrolling it. It was long, tedious work that constantly put them under the harsh weather, but someone had to do it.

Currently, the young men of the 203rd had dealt with a group of armed partisans who tried to ambush them. With their outdated weapons and lack of training, the 20-or-so rebels were easily defeated by the more experienced Air Mages. Their leader ordered the surviving eight ambushers to be executed as a warning to any future troublemakers. Though the men of the 203rd did their best to appear stoic and professional, they were actually very uneasy with carrying out such brutal orders.

The commanding officer, Tanya Degurechaff, had no such remorse. In fact, she carried out most of the executions herself. The girl’s short blonde hair and cold sapphire eyes were hidden beneath her raincoat. Her coal black boots were soaked up to their ankles in the half-flooded streets. The thundering staccato of gunfire pounded her ears, but Tanya felt nothing. Despite being only eleven, Tanya was a loyal Air Mage for almost three years, and was no stranger to the carnage of war. She looked on in cold satisfaction as the foolish dissidents were being swept away like the trash they were.
With that finished, the child commander turned towards her squad.

<Translated from German>

<“Alright, men! We’re finished here! Prepare to resume patro–“>

All of a sudden, everything stopped! The raindrops halted in midair, the troops’ movements froze, and the water stopped flowing. Tanya grew an enraged, paranoid look on her face…She knew exactly what–or who–was about to show up.

In another bizarre twist, one of the dead partisans shifted its eyes to Tanya and began speaking. “TANYA DEGURECHAFF.”

Impulsively, Tanya immediately fired at the talking corpse and blew its head off.

“Being X! You worthless piece of shit! Did you come back to haunt me again!?”

“MY CHILD…” Being X spoke to her from another corpse. “WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO CURSE MY NAME? I, WHO MERCIFULLY GIFTED YOU WITH A NEW LIFE IN ORDER TO ESCAPE DEATH?”

“A ‘new life!?’ Don’t gimme that crap!” Tanya hissed. “You brought me to this shithole of a world just to strong-arm me into worshiping You! All my life, You’ve done nothing but torment me, and You caused this whole war just to satisfy Your ego!”

Tanya shot at the corpse, before Being X found another one to possess.

“DEAR CHILD.” The deity spoke. “WHO PROVIDED YOU WITH THE POWERS AND WEAPONS TO SURVIVE THIS WAR? WHO WAS IT WHO BLESSED YOU WITH MAGIC? ALLOWED YOU TO BECOME A SOLDIER? BECOME FEARED AND COMMENDED AS THE EMPIRE’S MOST LETHAL WARRIOR?”

“Screw You! I did all those things in spite of You!” The blonde soldier screamed. “My powers and rank are just the means to accomplish it!”

“GIFTED WITH THE POWERS OF GOD HIMSELF, AND YET THOU CONTINUE TO DEFY ME. SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT. BUT I WILL TOLERATE THY ARROGANCE NO MORE! THE TIME HAS COME FOR THY JUDGEMENT! FOR I HAVE SUMMONED A WARRIOR FROM ANOTHER WORLD. ONE WHO POSSESS WEAPONS AND STRENGTH FAR BEYOND THINE. SHE IS AN AGENT OF MY WRATH, AND SHE WILL BRING ABOUT THY DEMISE.”

“I don’t care how powerful she is! This isn’t the first time you sent some deranged believer out to kill me, and it never worked! I’ll defeat your ‘agent of wrath’ just like all the rest! AND I WILL NEVER, EVER WORSHIP YOU!!!”

Tanya emptied her clip into the last corpse until it became a pile of bloody, severed parts. She noticed a few seconds later that time resumed its normal course. She looked around and saw her men’s faces staring at her in confusion.

<“Major? Are you alright?”> Lieutenant Viktoriya spoke to her.

<“I–I’m fine, Lieutenant.”>

<“Who were you just talking to?”> Asked another soldier.

<“No one! It was no one! I’m just tired. That’s all.”> Tanya replied.

The Air Mages decided to drop the subject and leave their commander alone. Tanya looked to the raining sky and scowled.

“I swear, Being X. Someday, I’ll be the agent of Your judgement!”


CHAPTER 3: THROUGH MUD AND BLOOD

For the past two hours, Seras trudged through miles of mud and blood in search of her target. Her clothes, face, and weapons were caked with multiple stains of soggy dirt. Even the constant downpour of rain did little to clean it.

“This is disgusting. She thought to herself. “When this is over, the first thing I’m gonna do is take a long, hot shower.”

Seras traveled west to Amiens for what she guessed was about 4 miles, with only her vampire stamina keeping her awake. Her only guidance was a few wooden signs vaguely pointing in the town’s direction (and it didn’t help that they were all in French). Would it have killed Being X to give her a map and a compass?

Despite this, she somehow managed to find her way to the weeping city. But Amiens proved to be no better than the trenches–and in some cases, worse. Aside from being bogged down in rain, the streets and alleys were constantly guarded with soldiers and tanks roaming around. Other soldiers were posted on machine guns behind sandbags or onboard trucks, and some were snipers who camped in tall hotels and church towers. The town was also littered with debris from buildings and vehicles, and the streets pitted with holes caused by explosions. Getting around this town was another headache in an already unpleasant experience.

Using the training that Captain Bernadotte gave her, Seras kept to the dark, avoiding any patrolling footsoldiers or snipers who could see her. She crept through shadows like a rat, crawling through large holes left in several abandoned homes and shops. It would help if she learned how to transform into a bat like her master Alucard. Even so, Seras managed not to draw any attention to herself from the numerous patrolling guards below.

Seras found her way into a second-story apartment that looked like a little girl’s bedroom. To her right was a set of windows, through which she saw a group of soldiers in olive raincoats on the streets. Around them were the dead bodies of armed men, presumably victims of an ambush or execution. Though the soldiers’ hoods obscured their faces, Seras was close enough to the ground to make out a few of them.

Out of the dozen-or-so soldiers, there were only two women. One was a somewhat-tall brunette teenager around high school age, with large ocean blue eyes. The other was a much shorter girl with blonde hair and azure eyes who looked young enough to be in Middle School. Even though she was only a child, she carried herself with the same authority and intimidation felt from any adult.

Seras remembered Being X saying that her target was a blonde, blue-eyed girl. Sure, it wasn’t much to go on, but how often does one see a 10-year-old in the military? Let alone as a patrolman? With nothing to lose, Seras decided to go downstairs and confirm whether or not this girl was the so-called “Devil of the Rhine.”

The Hellsing agent exited through the first floor and took cover behind a ruined half-track. From their behaviors, she could tell that none of the soldiers had noticed her–yet. “Good. Let’s keep it that way as long as possible.” She thought.

The blonde soldier shouted in a commanding tone to her adult comrades: “Luftmagier! Wir sind fertig mit diesen Partisanenschweinen! Überprüfe deine Waffen und bereite dich auf die Patrouille vor!”

“Jawhol, Major!” The soldiers replied while saluting.

“Germans. Great.” Seras groaned. “Next they’re gonna be doing the ‘Heil Hitler’ salute while singing the bloody Horst Wessel Song.” She remembered her nightmarish encounters with the Millennium Army and wondered if these Germans were anything like them. They didn’t act like vampires though, since they weren’t eating their victims.

While she was busy looking at the soldiers, Seras didn’t notice the wet, rainy air filling her nose, causing her to sneeze. “Ah–AHH–ACHOO!!!”

The Germans noticed. They snapped towards Seras’ cover and ordered her to come out in her language.

“Shit! Way to blow your cover, Victoria!” Seras chastised herself for sneezing.

“Raus!” Shouted the little blonde girl holding a rifle. “Komm langsam raus mit deinen Händen über deinem Kopf! Lass alle Waffen fallen, die du hast!” She fired a warning shot at Seras’ cover, the bullet whizzing right past her hair. “RAUS!!!” She roared again.

“Okay! Okay! I’m coming out!” Seras cried. She didn’t speak their language, but she could tell they wanted her to reveal herself. She placed her weapons on the ground and came out with her hands raised.

Smiling nervously, she tried to speak what little German she knew. “Uummmm, Guten Tag?

Mein Name……Seras Victoria? Ich bin ein police girl. Looken for ein blond girl, yah?”

The soldiers looked at each other confused, while the girl, Tanya, looked unimpressed.
The tall brunette, Viktoriya asked her, <“Uh, Major. What is this girl talking about?”>

<“She has no idea what she’s saying. She obviously doesn’t speak our language.”> Tanya replied as took a long, careful look at the stranger in front.

She was wearing a light tan uniform that didn’t belong to any army Tanya’s familiar with. She wore her short blonde hair in a ponytail, and her eyes were a deep ocean blue like her own. Something was definitely strange about this new soldier. Was she the “agent of judgement” that Being X told her about?

“Identify yourself! State your name, rank, and unit!” Tanya commanded Seras in English.
“She speaks English! Thank God!” Seras thought. At least something was going her way. “My name’s Seras Victoria. I don’t belong to any army. I’m just looking for someone. Do you happen to know somebody called ‘Devil of the Rhine?’ “

Suddenly, the blonde German girl’s face gave a look of shock and rage. The soldiers behind her were muttering to each other. What could this stranger possibly want with Major Degurechaff?

<“Men! Report back to HQ at once! Tell them to send a battalion to this location!”> Tanya ordered her squad in her native language.

Viktoriya looked at her Major in confusion. <“Uhhh, Major? With respect, ma’am, we’re not under attack. What purpose would we have for sending–“>

<“This girl is an enemy! She’s a Partisan spy gathering intel for the Republic! If we let her go, she’ll tell them the locations of our key strategic points in this town. I’ll stay behind and make sure she doesn’t escape!”>

<“But, Tanya–“>

<“YOU HAVE YOUR ORDERS, SOLDIER! NOW, DO AS YOU’RE TOLD!”> The child

Major’s outburst surprised everyone, even herself. Luckily, experience taught her men that it was never a good idea to get on her bad side.

<“You heard her comrades! Back to HQ!”> Shouted Matheus Weiss, the squad’s 2nd-in-command. The loyal Air Mages activated their Flight Gears, powered by the glowing crystal orbs on their uniforms. They levitated quickly and shot up into the rainy sky, flying away in a forward direction.

“Holy shit! These people can fly!?” Seras thought as she witnessed the spectacular feat above her. Her attention was brought back to Tanya, who pointed her rifle at the supposed spy in fury.

“Good. Now it’s just you and me.” The Air Mage leader said with cold fury.

“Just who are you? What did you just tell your men?” Seras queried.

“That’s irrelevant! The real question is who the Hell are you!?” Tanya snapped. “But I already know–you’re the one Being X sent to kill me, aren’t you!?”

That confirmed it. If this girl claims to know who Being X is, she must be the one Seras is after! Still, she couldn’t let her know that. “L-look, love, there’s been a misunderstanding. I don’t know who Being X–“

“Cut the bullshit!” Tanya hissed. “You’re another one His deranged cultists out to do His bidding! Well, it won’t work! That pompous bastard sent two religious lunatics to kill me before, and both of them failed! You’ll be no different!”

*BANG!!!*

Tanya fired a shot that landed in Seras’ stomach! The Brit shrieked and collapsed to her knees, clutching her bleeding wound in pain.

The Major looked on pleasantly surprised. She knew she was more than capable of killing this girl, but she didn’t expect it to be this easy. “Really, Being X? This pathetic Saumensch is the best you got!? I’d almost feel embarrassed for her if it wasn’t You who sent her!” But Tanya soon found her pride was short-lived.

“Y’know…..I’ve been shot through the chest once or twice before.” Seras said, her pain fading away. In what could only be described as a miracle, the vampire agent got back to her feet.

“Guess what?…I got better.” Her bullet wound closed up and vanished like she was never shot.

Tanya couldn’t believe her eyes! What was this!? Any other person would be bleeding to death from a wound like that! Was this another trick by Being X!? No matter, Tanya thought. She would just have to play with her enemy for a while till she finds a way to kill her.

Seras grit her fanged teeth. Clearly, this psychotic little Kraut had every intent to kill her.

No amount of talking would get her out of this–this was a fight now.


CHAPTER 4: THE FIRST SHOTS

Seras rolled to her left and crouched behind the ruined APC. She grabbed her Anti-Midians rifle and opened fire. To her surprise, a blue barrier sprang up and shielded Tanya from the bullets. The child major looked unimpressed and returned fire with her Mondragon rifle.
Seras crouched back into cover, doing her best to keep her head down.

Lucky for her, the rusted tank provided adequate defense against the powerful German bullets. Being a vampire, Seras had the advantage of a strong healing factor, but that didn’t mean she liked getting shot. She lifted her gun over her shoulder and blind-fired at Tanya, hoping to disrupt her fire for a bit. Like before, she could do little but wear down her enemy’s shield, but Tanya knew better than to let that happen.

The Imperial Air Mage activated the crimson Elenium Crystal on her uniform and took to the skies. Ignoring the droplets of rain whipping her face, Tanya dashed forward and rained down magical shots at her target.

“Bloody Hell!” Seras shrieked as she ran to avoid the deadly blue beams. She ducked her head and scurried away as the shots pounded the street around her. Though she did her best to run, the slippery, rain-soaked streets made that difficult. Each shot from Tanya’s rifle exploded like an artillery shell, causing large craters in each place they hit. Seras tried to shoot back with her semi-auto rifle, but Tanya was too small and fast a target to hit reliably.

Already this odds of this battle were in Tanya’s favor. Her crystal gave her an enormous edge in both flight and speed. All she had to do was wear Seras down to exhaustion, and then finish her when she became too tired to retreat. She continued peppering the ground with artillery bullets, each shot exploding like a hand grenade.

On the ground, Seras was blown forward several feet and crashed face-first on the hard pavement. If she were still an ordinary human, that would already caused her some major damage. She tried to shoot with one hand while crouching, but was so dazed that her shots missed Tanya by several feet.

“Pathetic! You’re making this way too easy!” Tanya laughed as Seras’ shots misssed her. The blond soldier rocketed towards the sky, around 300 feet above the city. Tanya charged her bayonet, its metal blade glowing blue with magic. Tanya dove downwards and charged at Seras, swinging her rifle like a halberd. The bayonet cut a deep gash into Seras’ arm, nearly severing it. The Hellsing agent didn’t even have time to scream as Tanya charged again, this time slicing her left torso.

Seras cried loudly as she suffered more lacerations along her chest, face, limbs, and stomach. Each wound leaked a frightening amount of blood, which would’ve already killed Seras were she not a vampire. She fought the pain across her body and struggled back to her feet.

Tanya gave a smile of sadistic glee as she watched her opponent. “This Saumench can’t possibly have any fight left in her. I’ll give her a mercy killing.”

The Air Mage dashed forward and kicked Seras in the chin, sending her flying several feet back on the street. She landed face-up and too dazed to stand; she’d also dropped her rifle in the attack. Tanya stood on top of the vampire and held her rifle like a spear, ready to pierce Seras’ heart! The police girl shook off her dizziness and grabbed Tanya’s rifle by the bayonet before it could skewer her. Tanya’s knife inched closer and closer between Seras’ breasts, nearly touching the buttons on her tan uniform.

“Bollocks to this! I am not gonna die to some fucking pre-schooler who thinks she’s a soldier!” The blond vampire thought while giving a look of angry determination.
She poured her strength into her arms and slowly pushed the enemy’s knife away. The wounds in her legs started to heal, which gave her the strength to stand back up.

Roaring with fury, the vampire pushed the rifle further and further back, as her enemy Tanya was losing all her momentum. The child soldier’s joy turned to fear and confusion. “What is this? How the Hell could she have healed this soon already!?”

“You will not kill me! YOU–WILL–NOT–FUCKING–KILL ME!” Seras finally regained her ground and yanked away Tanya’s rifle while she was off-balance. She then kneed the child soldier in the gut and sent her flying with an uppercut.

Tanya was shot up above the rooftops like a mortar shell, but quickly regained her balance with her Elenium Crystal. A gunshot crashed into Tanya’s personal shield, nearly penetrating it. The Imperial soldier looked down and saw Seras taking aim with the stolen Mondragon.
“That bitch! How dare she shoot at me with my own weapon!”

Feeling insulted, the Air Mage pulled out another weapon–her prized SIG MKMS submachine gun. She sprayed several bullets down, who didn’t even flinch as the bullets exploded all around her. Tanya’s clip quickly ran out, forcing her to search for a fresh one.
But before she could reloaded, she again took gunfire–not from Seras, but from armed civilians hiding in a nearby house!

The surprise attack caused the Air Mage to drop her magazine and race back down to the street to recover it. She was forced to take cover behind a set of sandbags next to a building across the street.“Partisans!? Why now of all times!?” The Air Mage snarled as she kept her head beneath cover.

She looked in frustration as her target had enough time to retrieve her lost rifle and run in the Partisan house. She even had the nerve to take Tanya’s gun with her!
A few minutes passed. Tanya prepared to throw a smoke grenade to throw off the Partisans’ aim.

Suddenly, a voice crackled to life on her radio. <“Major! This is Vice Commander Weiss! We’re coming to provide backup! And we’re bringing the battalion you ordered!”>

Tanya peeked out of her cover and saw her teammates were indeed coming, along with a truck of the promised infantry. Inside the truck, she saw at least three troopers in heavy gear and gas masks, carrying what looked like flamethrowers. Seeing those gave Tanya a sinister idea.

“Flamethrowers. We’ll burn her out.”


CHAPTER 5: BURNIN’ DOWN THE HOUSE

Seras was glad she took advantage of her lucky break.

“Thank God she didn’t get my heart, or I would’ve been finished.” The police girl thought. “Although, I’m not sure ‘God’s’ the one I should be thanking.” After all, Being X was the reason Seras was in this hellhole in the first place.

She hid behind an old couch with her two rifles, waiting for her wounds to heal. Her healing factor wasn’t quite as robust as her master Alucard’s, but it still knew how to put her back together.

The interior was completely ruined–its walls, floors, and furniture covered in dust and ash. The windows were barred in with wooden planks. No one was on the first floor. But above, Seras felt the ceiling rattling with the noise of gunfire and furious shouting. Didn’t matter. She was safe as long as no one knew she existed.

The vampire peeked through the windows, and saw a big armored truck carrying uniformed men with guns.

“Just my luck.” Seras groaned. “As if one of these bastards isn’t hard enough to deal with.”

The good news was, the gunfire from upstairs was holding them back. If Seras was careful, she might crawl her way out of the house before the Imperials have time to notice her.

Suddenly, a small object broke through the window above and landed on the floor. The object was small and metal, and oddly shaped like a potato masher. Seras knew exactly what it was.

“Shit! Stick grenade! I’m finished!” She shut her eyes and awaited the inevitable explosion……..except there was no explosion.

*HIIIISSSSS!*

The grenade released a harmless cloud of white smoke.

“Phew! Just a smoke grenade.” Seras sighed in relief. The Hellsing agent threw the non-lethal explosive through the window and carried on. Outside, the white smoke filled the area around the front of the building. The gunfire upstairs halted, the attackers blinded by the smoke. Seras looked nervous–she felt like she just made a grave mistake.

She heard Tanya’s voice shouting to her comrades outside: “Der Partisanenspion flüchtet mit ihren Verbündeten in diesem Haus! Nimm deine Flammenwerfer und verbrenne sie! Verbrenne sie alle auf den verdammten Boden!”

“Whatever she’s saying, it doesn’t sound good.” Seras worried. She kept her head low continued crawling……

…..Until a huge stream of fire blazed through the windows right above her!

“CHRIST!!! A bloody FLAMETHROWER!?” The vampire shouted in horror. As much as she wanted to run, she needed to keep to the ground to avoid getting burned or inhaling smoke.
The flames scorched the wooden walls and furniture, ravaging the hallway. The vampire crawled as fast as she could, but before she knew it, another flamethrower fired through the window in front! And then another the window further down!

“Oh, gimme a fucking break!” Cried Seras. The whole house became a blazing inferno. The flames raced their ways into the living room, the kitchen, and the bedrooms. The police girl dodged the second flamethrower in the middle, and later the third one at the end. With all three deathtraps cleared, now was the time to get the hell out of the building!

Seras frantically raced up the stairs, dodging flames and falling wood along the way. She reached the second floor, which wasn’t on fire yet, but covered in thick smoke. The blonde coughed painfully, and covered her mouth to avoid inhaling more smoke. Seras needed to find an exit, but she could barely see five feet through the thick smoke.

On her right, panicked men in civilian clothes crashed through the door, whom Seras assumed to be the Partisans. The rebels raced down the hallway, too terrified to notice Seras. The vampire girl followed the men as the inferno burned away at the house’s foundations, weakening the second floor. Flaming debris fell, crushing two of the soldiers beneath it.

The guy on the left was killed instantly, while his companion on the right cried out for help: “Aidez-moi, s’il vous plaît! Enlevez-moi ça! Je ne veux pas mourir comme ça!”

“Hang on, mate! We’ll get you outta there!” Seras and the other Partisan rushed to his aid and began lifting the wooden beam off of him. The former used her vampire strength to lift the heavy plank while the latter grabbed his friend’s hand to pull him to safety. But suddenly, a storm of gunfire tore through the ceiling and tore the guy on Seras’ left to shreds.

Seras covered her head in shock and then looked up through the hole that in the ceiling. Far above, Tanya and two other Air Mages were aiming their rifles down.

<“Concentrate fire! Collapse the house on top of them!”> The Air Mage leader commanded. As ordered, they fired down at the flaming building, each magic round tearing through every room and item inside. Sure, it was a needlessly destructive plan, but Tanya could always use the excuse that they were ambushed by Partisans.

Seras barely rescued the last surviving Partisan and carried him on her back.

“Don’t you think this is overdoing it, you bloody PSYCHOPATH!?” Seras screamed as she raced through the halls, dodging flames and gunfire. Fortunately, she found her exit in the form of a large hole blown in a window. The Hellsing agent poured her vampire speed into her legs and jumped out of the house!

BOOM!!!

(Stop Music)

A huge explosion rang out of the hole in the window. Just a second too late, and Seras and her ally would be burned to a crisp. The house rapidly crumbled into a pile of burning wood, glass and stone. Seras decided to flee the area quickly before her and the Partisan would be found.

About ten minutes passed. Vice Commander Weiss approached his leader Tanya with a report: <“Major, we’ve discovered two enemy corpses buried beneath the rubble. However, we’ve found no trace of the female spy.”> His face quivered a little in fear of his commander’s response.

Tanya snarled at him, <“Then she’s not dead! Double your search!”> The child soldier barked at the older man.

<“Ma’am. With all due respect, why are we wasting our time trying to kill one spy?”> Asked Warren Grantz, a younger member of the battalion.

In a sudden fit of rage, Tanya punched the blonde man in the stomach and grabbed him by the jacket.

<“We just tried to burn an entire house on top of her, and somehow she escaped! And that was after I riddled her with bullets and sliced her with my bayonet! Who else knows what she’s capable of!? As long as she lives, she poses an enormous threat–not only to ourselves, but to the Fatherland itself! Now follow your orders and keep searching!”>

<“Y-yes, ma’am! Sorry for questioning you!”> Warren grabbed his aching stomach and resumed his search. His comrades all did the same, not wanting to anger their leader further.

Tanya bit her thumb. “Scheisse!” She cursed in her mind. “This girl is becoming a pain in my ass! What kind of monster did you send against me, Being X!?”

Meanwhile, Seras and her new friend took cover in a small but elegant dress shop. The two hid in a dressing room, away from any windows or doors.

“Are you alright, love?” Seras asked the wounded man.

“I’ll live.” The Partisan grunted. His right arm was broken thanks to the fallen debris. Seras found a dress hanging by the mirror. She tore a few strips of cloth and fashioned a sling for his arm.

“Merci beaucoup, jeune fille.” The soldier thanked her in his language. “I won’t forget you for saving my life.”

“You’re welcome, sir.” She responded. “And……I’m sorry about your friends back in that house.”

“Emil and Raphael were good men.” The older man said. “I will miss them dearly, but now’s not the time for grieving.” He stuck out his good arm to shake his rescuer’s hand. “My name is Jean. Jean Rousseau. And you are?”

“I’m Seras Victoria.” She replied, shaking the man’s hand. “Nice to finally meet someone who’s not trying to kill me.”

The man named Rousseau chuckled softly. “Sadly, things in Amiens haven’t been the same since the Imperial occupation. Many of us have either gone into hiding or took up arms against the Bosche.” He paused.

“I’m sorry–the ‘Bosche’?” Seras gave a look like she’d never heard that word before.

“Our word for those Fatherland bastards.” Rousseau answered. “Like the ones who were just trying to kill you. So, tell me, you’re from the Allied Kingdom, are you not? I’ve never heard of them taking female soldiers.”

“The Allied–” The blonde vampire sputtered. “N-no, I’m–It’s hard to explain, but I’m not with any army. But there is someone I’m after.”

The Partisan was curious. “And who is that, exactly?”

“The little girl with the blond hair. The one who tried to turn us into a human barbecue.” Seras answered.

“Tanya Degurechaff? The Devil of the Rhine?” Jean answered with surprise. “You must have a death wish if you’re going after her!”

“Trust me, I wouldn’t even think of trying to kill her if I didn’t have to.”

“Well, if you truly must, there is an old clock tower just a few blocks east of here that you can use as a vantage point. But if I were you, I would get out of Amiens as soon as possible.” Rousseau advised.

“Why’s that?” Replied Seras.

“I heard that the Republican Army is planning an attack to liberate this town. It’s gonna be hell on earth. Stay too long, and you’ll be caught right in the crossfire.”

SHIT! As if my day wasn’t bad enough!” Seras thought as she gave a terrified look. “Thanks for the warning. What about you?”

“I’ll stay here for a while until the patrols die down. You get after that evil bitch Degurechaff. Bonne chance, Miss Victoria.” Jean said as he saluted Seras.

The Hellsing soldier returned the salute. “Good luck to you too, Rousseau.” She cautiously left the store and looked upwards. Tanya’s group flew right overhead towards the eastern part of town. Luckily, the hadn’t noticed Seras on the ground. She silently followed them.


CHAPTER 6: CLOCK TOWER

SERAS

20 minutes later…

True to Rousseau’s word, there was indeed a clock tower just a few short blocks to the east. Seras stood right at the base of the tall structure and looked up. The massive tower stood at an impressive 11 stories high, with an enormous white clock face on each side. The antenna at the very top almost seemed to dare to pierce the dark clouds above it. From the directions the clock arms were facing, Seras read that it was around 12:30–almost three hours since Being X kidnapped her to this world.

Seras was reminded of her time as a rookie cop in London, passing by Big Ben every day on her patrol. Life seemed so much simpler before she became a vampire.

“Alucard. Integra. Captain Bernadotte. Do any of them know I’m gone?” Seras wondered, thinking of her friends in Hellsing Manor.

No. This was no time to be nostalgic. Her mission right now was to get to the top of the tower and find a good sniping position.

She’d lost her two weapons in the earlier housefire, but luckily she managed to retrieve her enormous Harkonnen I Sniper Rifle. The weapon was longer than Seras was tall, and weighed a crushing 120 pounds. It fired 30mm uranium shells, powerful enough to punch a hole through a tank. Were Seras a normal human, there would be no way she’d be able to carry the thing, let alone fire it.

The Hellsing soldier ran up to the wooden door at the base of the tower. Fortunately, it was unlocked. Seras stepped inside the clock tower. The interior was dark and silent, with no windows or decorations along the four stony walls. The endless tick-tock of the gears echoed with each passing second. Along the edges of the wall was a long, winding staircase that led up to the balcony of the tower. It all reminded her even more of home. All the more reason to get this over with.

Seras didn’t look forward to climbing all those steps, but she didn’t have a choice. The Hellsing soldier took a deep breath and began her long ascent up the stairs. She turned corner after corner, climbing her way to what she hoped would be an exit leading to the balcony. “They couldn’t have been bothered to put a damn elevator in here!?” She thought in frustration.

Halfway up the tower, Seras could see the numerous intricate gears and motors that powered the clock. She took it as a sign she was getting closer to the top. Seras looked into her pouch to see how much ammo she had for her cannon. She counted eight armor-piercing rounds and four incendiary ones. Twelve rounds total–not a lot of ammo to use. Seras had to make her shots count.

Finally, she reached the top of the staircase, and came across a door leading to the clock tower balcony. Before she stepped through, Seras looked to her right and saw……..an elevator that could’ve saved all the time she took taking the stairs. “Nice, Seras. Always taking the hard way when the easy way is bloody obvious.”

Ignoring her frustration, Seras slowly opened the door and stepped out on the balcony. Right in front she saw a man dressed in an Imperial uniform, holding a bolt-action sniper rifle. The sniper was facing the streets away from the tower–he hadn’t noticed the woman coming through the door behind him. The man was lazy, bored, and judging from the empty bottle behind him, drunk.

Seras crouched and quickly grabbed the bottle. Slowly, silently, she walked up to the soldier, preparing to bash the bottle against the man’s skull to knock him out. The soldier had no time to turn around.

SMASH!!!

The bottle shattered against the sniper’s helmet! The sudden impact caused him to fall limp over the railing and plummet to his death. Seras froze in shock at what she’d accidentally done. She only meant to knock out the man, not kill him! Then she quickly shook it off and checked her surroundings.

After determining that the coast was clear, Seras took position and loaded her rifle. She aimed the weapon skyward, but her vision was blocked by the opaque rainclouds above. Even if she could see, her target was a tiny flying girl who was several miles away. On top of that, her Harkonnen I wasn’t equipped with a scope–but Seras didn’t need one. She was the scope.

“Calm down, Seras.” The blonde whispered to herself. “Remember what Master taught you. Breathe. Focus. Imagine there’s an eye in the middle of your forehead.”

Seras closed her eyes and exhaled deeply. She imagined her eyesight extending beyond the heavy thick clouds and into the dark night sky. Even through the rainy darkness, Seras could see just as clearly as though it was daytime. Far off in the distance, she saw ten–no, twelve humanoid figures in the sky. At the very front was the psychotic little blonde girl who tried to burn a house on top of Seras.

When Seras opened her eyes, they turned from their normal ocean blue to a vampiric blood red.

“Gotcha!”

BOOOOOOOM!!!


CHAPTER 7: LADY SNIPER

TANYA

Meanwhile…
2 Km. east
600 feet above Amiens

The sky was dark. The air was cold and biting. Any view of the grieving city far below was obscured by the enormous storm clouds that covered the night sky. The endless noise of thunder and rain was followed by the occasional flash of lightning. The only illumination came from the distant full moon that glowed like a pearl in the sky, and the small collection of stars that surrounded it.

Tanya and her squad of Air Mages flew through the darkened skies above Amiens, heading towards the eastern edge of the city. They’d found no sign of the suspected spy in the burning house, but were forced to abandon their search for the time being. The 203rd were ordered by Imperial command to report to the eastern defensive line immediately. Apparently they were suspicious that their enemy, the Republic, were staging an assault to retake the town.

Of course, Tanya wasn’t happy having to leave behind someone who was out to kill her, but orders were orders. Hopefully something would come up that would give her an excuse to put her orders on hold.

Behind Tanya were eleven of her fellow Air Mages. She’d split up her wing into four separate squadrons to continue their patrols while hers carried out their orders. Among them were the brunette female Visha, the tall blonde male Warren, and a large, rotund man named Rhiner Neumann.

Neumann, who enjoyed the extra sauerkraut and beer or two, was the fattest member of the battalion, but still a capable soldier. However, he wasn’t exactly known for his brains. While the other Air Mages knew it wasn’t wise to bother the Major when she was deep in thought, Neumann decided to ask her a question.

<“Excuse me, Major. Permission to ask a question, ma’am?”>

Tanya barely cast an eye at Neumann, doing her best not to show her irritation. <“Speak.”> She replied coldly.

Neumann gulped. <“D–do you really believe that the Republic are planning an atta–“>

<“Ask yourself this, Lieutenant.”> Tanya interrupted. <“Why did we capture this town in the first place? What was our objective?”>

<“Well–it’s b-because….”>

<“Because Amiens has a vital railway station that leads to the capital.”>

<“With this town under our control, we can move our troops north to Paree, and force them to surrender. With the Francois Army stretched as thin as they are, they won’t have the time to rally a strong defense at the capital. That’s why they can’t afford to lose this town. A counterattack was inevitable.”> Tanya explained her theory with a chilling calmness and professionalism.

“Just another way for Being X to fuck with me.” She told herself.

Visha and Warren overheard the conversation. They looked at each other nervously. Their battallion had enjoyed two weeks of relative peace, and now they would soon be in battle all over again. It was a scenario none of them wanted to happen.

Now it was Visha’s turn to ask questions. <“Ma’am, do you think that spy had anything to do–“>

BOOOOOOOM!!!

A thunderous noise like a tank or artillery cannon rang out!

The shocked Air Mages stopped and searched for whatever the hell made that sound! Tanya looked past her soldiers and noticed something coming through the clouds behind. A silver metal object rocketed through the clouds! It soared past the Air Mages who moved or ducked their heads! It was heading straight for Tanya!

Tanya could only watch in horror. She was about to die!

<“Get out of there, Major!”> Cried Neumann as he rushed forward and pushed his commander away from danger.

(Stop music)

CRUNCH!!!

Almost as if in slow motion, Tanya witnessed Neumann’s horrible fate. The bullet pierced the sides of his torso. Two massive holes formed where his heart, lungs, and ribs used to be. Neumann’s corpse fell like a meteor and vanished into the clouds.

<“RHINER!!!”> Warren shouted as he watched his comrade’s sudden death.

<“What was that!?”> Cried Viktoriya. <“Was it the Republicans?”>

<“Did the invasion start already!?”> Said another Air Mage.

Tanya was dazed from having literally dodged a bullet. “If Neumann hadn’t pushed me out of the way, I would be–.”

No! There was no time to think about that! She was alive, and she would take advantage of that!

<“I don’t know what it was, but now’s not the time for mourning!”> Tanya rallied her men.

<“Spread out and find whoever fired that shot! Don’t let Neumann’s sacrifice be in vain!”>

“JAWOLH, MEIN MAJOR!” They shouted at once. The 203rd Battalion descended rapidly from the clouds and back over the rooftops of Amiens. They couldn’t afford to have their vision obscured by heavy clouds and rain. As they nosedived, another shot rang out. It missed Tanya and killed a random Air Mage on her left.

“I can’t just keep losing men like this!” She snarled.

The battalion dropped down to the rooftops of Amiens and continued their advance.
<“Spread out and use the buildings for cover! Don’t give them an easy target!”> Tanya’s men obediently carried out their orders and took cover in different parts of the town. The child soldier dashed forward alone, the tiny droplets of rain stinging her eyes. Tanya had to stay focused if she had any chance of living.

A third shot boomed out. Tanya swerved just in time for the massive shell to miss her and blow a massive hole in a building behind her.

“Again, that nearly got me! Just what the hell is going on!?” The child soldier thought. “These shots are way too accurate to be random artillery fire! Only a sniper would be so precise! But their weapon was powerful enough to pierce Neumann’s magic barrier! This sniper would have to be superhuman to use something like–no. It can’t be.” Tanya’s paranoia grew when she realized who she was up against. “That bitch from the burning house! Not her again!”

SERAS

Back at the clock tower, Seras got to work reloading her Harkonnen. It could only fire one shot at a time, so reloading cost several precious seconds.

“Dammit!” She cursed. “I almost had her! If only that fat bastard hadn’t got in the way!” Now she had to do this the hard way. Seras had already spent three rounds, and a whole squad of Air Mages was hunting for her.

“Okay, Seras. Relax! You got this!” She reloaded her Harkonnen and scanned the area east of the clock tower. She saw Tanya racing down the streets at inhuman speed. Aiming carefully, she fired another uranium shell, only for it to crater the street as Tanya dodged it.

“Shit! She’s anticipating my shots!” This situation was getting more and more frustrating. Sooner or later, she’d have to deal with a whole squad of flying soldiers! However, the blonde sniper had one advantage: She was atop one of the tallest buildings in Amiens, and the enemy had no idea where she was. As long as Seras held the high ground, she was fine.

She slammed her fifth round in the Harkonnen. This time she fired at a building just a few feet in front of Tanya. The uranium shell screamed and slammed into the front of the building, causing it to crumble to the streets.

Tanya was forced to halt her movement to avoid getting crushed. She then flew upwards over the rooftops and scanned her surroundings. Just where were those shots coming from!? Tanya noticed that the sniper was firing very slowly. There were about 3 or 4 seconds between each shot.

“She must be using a single-shot rifle.” Tanya thought. “Meaning that as long as I keep moving, I’ll survive!” This gave Tanya an idea.

About now, Seras was halfway out of ammo. She had three normal shells and four incendiaries on stand-by. If she didn’t make any of these count, she was done for. She prepared her rifle once again, and fired at Tanya’s position. Shockingly, the round passed right through Tanya like she was made of thin air!

“What the Hell!? That was a direct–“

BOOOOOOONG! BOOOOOOONG! BOOOOOOONG!

“What the–NO! Not now!” The clock bell rang out! A startled Seras looked up at the clock face which read 1:00. This couldn’t have happened at a worse time. “That damn bell is gonna give away my position!”

Down on the streets, Warren and Visha heard the thunderous noise of the clock tower. Behind them were two other Air Mages who followed them. They paid their attention at the tower just a few hundred meters ahead. Visha, the brunette, took out her binoculars and scanned the balcony. She made out a human female crouching behind the railing, holding what seemed to be an anti-tank rifle.

Visha activated her radio and called out to Tanya, <“Major! It’s the spy! The one we were looking for! She’s sniping us from the top of the clock tower! 40 meters high; 200 meters west!”>

Now it all made sense. “You little rat! So that’s where you’re hiding.” Tanya relayed to her squad, <“Converge on the clock tower! Form a perimeter and keep the sniper pinned where she is!”> Hopefully Tanya’s squad and that holographic decoy she placed earlier would buy her enough time to carry out her plan.

<“Roger!”> Visha and her comrades got off their radios and carried out Tanya’s orders.
Seras, who was still lining up her next shot, suddenly noticed four flying figures heading towards her. Their red Eilinium crystals glowed in the dark sky as they zoomed up against the clock tower.

“Bollocks, they’ve found me!” Seras cried. “There goes my only advantage!”

“Da ist sie! Dieser feige Scharfschütze tötete Neumann und Schwartz! Lass sie bezahlen!” Shouted Warrren to his comrades.

The four of them opened fire on the balcony, blasting the floors and railing into rubble. Staying outside was no longer an option. The Hellsing Agent ran through the door and took cover inside the clock tower. Outside, the four Air Mages surrounded the building, blasting holes in the walls and clock faces.

The stone and wooden walls provided some protection, but it wouldn’t hold out forever. Going downstairs was also dangerous because the gunfire crumbled away several parts of the staircase, and there was no guarantee the elevator would get her down in time. Her only choice was to stay and fight.

“This is just great! Seras thought. “I’m exposed. I’m pinned down. My target’s nowhere in sight. And eventually this tower’s gonna fall on me! Fuck this for a game of soldiers!”

Seras looked at the white clock faces above. Through the translucent glass, she saw silhouettes of the flying enemies. Wasting no time, she aimed at one of the shadows and shot a uranium shell through the glass. The speeding round decapitated the poor soldier, and he fell to the streets a headless, bloody corpse.

“Goodnight, you bastard!” Seras shouted in satisfaction.

The other three Air Mages froze, probably stunned by their comrade’s brutal death. She quickly loaded her final armor-piercing round and fired at the next shadow through the glass. The round pierced the Air Mage’s stomach, and he died just like his comrade.

Seras was turning this around! Although her enemies could fly, they were still just humans with average reflexes. As long as she could outrun and outshoot them, she would be fine.

Seras ran back outside. From the balcony, she saw the two remaining Air Mages had turned tail.

“Yes! They’re falling back! But more of them will be coming. If I just hold out a bit longer, I’ll survive!”

She’d run out of normal rounds, which meant it was time to give them a taste of the incendiaries. Another squad of roughly four of five Mages arrived, but this time Seras was ready. Using her vampire sight, she fired an incendiary round at the lead Air Mage. The round found its target, and the fiery explosion that followed killed two of his comrades.

Warren and Visha, the two retreating soldiers, stood in disbelief at what they just witnessed.

<“W–what the Hell!?”> Cried the male soldier. <“She’s just one sniper! How did she take out five of us so fast!?”>

Visha, the brunette, contacted Tanya on her radio. <“Major, this is Serebryakov! We’ve lost Kurtz and Kaufmann! Three guys from Squad 3 were also killed!”>

<“Stand your ground and keep fighting! You must NOT let that sniper escape!”>

<“Of course! Yes, ma’am!”> Visha shut off her radio.

TANYA

Far above, Tanya hovered in place about 300 meters above the city. Though her vision was blocked by clouds, Tanya witnessed the violence happening below her using a holographic screen.

“You filthy bitch!” The lead Air Mage snarled. “Your antics cost me seven of my men! I’m putting an end to this right now!”

Tanya zoomed her magic targeting screen further down. She got a lock on Seras, who once again took a sniping position on the balcony. A sadistic, maniacal grin grew on Tanya’s face.

“Gotcha!”

Tanya had her target. She loaded her SIG MKMS with a clip full of artillery rounds. The explosive force from even one of these should blast Seras to oblivion!

The child major got on her radio: <“Enough! All units fall back. I repeat–fall back! I’ll blow that sniping bitch to Hell myself!”>

Down below, Warren, Visha, and their surviving comrades immediately flew away in different directions.

SERAS

Seras looked on in confusion. “What the–where are they all going? They couldn’t just be giving up?” Something told her this wasn’t at all the case.

Suddenly, the earth lit up as a bright golden glow lit up the sky. Seras looked to the sky, the strange radiance almost blinding her. “Is it sunrise already?” Seras thought. “It can’t be, it’s only 1:00AM!” She used her enhanced sight to get a closer look at who or what was up there.

“It’s that girl again!” Seras exclaimed. “So….those soldiers that came after me–they were just a distraction!?”

Tanya aimed her rifle below, right onto Seras’ current position. Her whole body gave a golden glow with a special, holy power. A power ironically gifted to her by Being X–the one person she despised most. She also chuckled at the irony that she would use this power to destroy the person Being X sent to kill her.

“Oh, what a world we live in. As much as I hate praying to Being X, it’s the best chance I have to destroy this pest.”

Seras was beyond terrified. “Oh, shit! Oh, SHIT! Whatever power she’s using up there, I don’t wanna stay to get hit! I need to get off this bloody tower!”

The staircase and elevator were already out of the question. Seras’ only choice was to…….jump? “No! Am I out of my mind!? A fall from this height would kill me! Even if I lived, would my regeneration heal me in time to make an escape?”

The Hellsing agent looked across the street to her right. Across the gap was a four-story building with a flat rooftop. It wouldn’t be painless, but it was better than a straight plummet to the ground. Either way, Seras was out of time. It was either wait to get blown up, or take her chances with the jump.

Tanya’s next shot would surely wipe Seras off the face of the earth! All she had to do was say a prayer:

“Oh, Almighty Father who governs this world with love and wisdom…
I humbly ask thee, grant me the power to vanquish all mine enemies.
Through me, cast Your swift and terrible thunder down on this unholy demon…
And send her back to Hell from whence she came!”

The artillery round sliced through the clouds like a bolt of lightning! In a few seconds, the clock tower would be reduced to rubble!

“Fuck it! Jump!” Seras poured her vampire speed into her legs and leaped off the tower!
The artillery round pierced the steeple and detonated inside the bell room!

BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!

The clock tower exploded! Countless pieces of wood, stone, glass and machinery flew in random directions!

The explosion propelled Seras towards the neighboring building. She cleared the gap and landed painfully on the other rooftop. Her body rolled and tumbled across the building until it came to a sudden stop. The Harkonnen rifle flew several feet ahead across the ground.
Seras survived, but she was far from uninjured.

The impact of the fall fractured her legs and shattered her ribs. She was bleeding from the forehead, the blood stinging her left eye. Her back was scarred badly from the explosion and a few pieces of wood and glass. The blonde vomited a worrying amount of blood on the ground.

With all her wounds, it was a wonder her heart and lungs were still functioning. Still, that meant at least her healing factor would kick in sooner or later. Being a vampire sure had its perks.

Seras slowly opened her eyes, taking in the sight of the destroyed clock tower. If she hadn’t jumped, she would be vaporized along with it.

“Well…..It could be worse.” She smiled and laughed softly.

A few minutes passed. The next time Seras opened her eyes, she saw a pair of feet. Feet belonging to Tanya Degurechaff.

“It’s worse.”


CHAPTER 8: FAILURE

Tanya touched down on Seras’ current position. The child Air Mage looked down on her like a cockroach that refused to stay squished. Tanya’s battalion formed up around the building, all giving Seras the same venomous glare. Air Mages from other parts of town also arrived, drawn by the commotion.

“It’s really bloody worse.”

Tanya pulled a Luger P08 pistol from its holster, casually waving it like a toy. She knelt closer to Sera’s battered face, relishing the pain she was suffering. Her deranged, childlike grin returned to her face.

“You know, I really must congratulate you.” Tanya taunted. “You’ve made every amateur mistake in the book, and yet somehow you’ve caused me all sorts of trouble these past couple of hours. Honestly, I’m almost happy Being X sent you. You’ve turned an otherwise boring night into a…….mildly entertaining one. But alas, but you were just too weak and too clumsy to defeat me. Thus, our little game ends the only way it could.”

Fuck!……You! You spoiled little Nazi bitch!” Seras roared between pained breaths. “I’m in enough pain……without listening……to your pretentious bullshit!”

Tanya looked surprised, but only to break out laughing like she’d heard the world’s funniest joke. Her smile grew even wider and more demonic as she laughed. If her subordinates around her were disturbed, they didn’t show it. They were no strangers to their commander’s bizarre behavior.

“Really, ‘Fuck you’!?” Tanya said as her maniacal laughter died down. “Wow! Not many people have the courage to say that to me! I really admire your spirit. Hell, I’d even offer you a place among my battalion. However, you killed seven of my men.”

Tanya lost focus and started rambling on, which made Seras even more irritated.

“Sorry, but that simply won’t do. It costs the Fatherland money to train, arm, and feed soldiers. And Air Mages are sooooooo hard to come by.”

“Oh, bloody hell–if you’re gonna shoot me, just shut up and get on with it!” Seras shouted with whatever strength was left in her voice.

You’re right. It’s only cruel to prolong an animal’s pain.”

The child soldier cocked her pistol and aimed it at Seras’ forehead. This would be the coup de grace.

“Auf Wiedersehen, kleine Arschlecker! And when you see Being X, tell Him he’s next!”

Seras didn’t even blink. “Go ahead, bitch. It won’t be the last you see of me.”

BANG!

Blackout.


CHAPTER 9: JEAN & AMELIE

TANYA

The Next Day…
5:06PM

Sixteen hours have passed since the battle at the clock tower.

Before, there was roughly one platoon every four or five blocks. Now, nearly all of eastern Amiens was flooded with squads of Fatherland troops. Homes, shops, inns, and restaurants were searched for any hiding Partisans. Women, children, elders, and even loyal Imperial officers were interrogated for any treasonous behavior.

This huge crackdown of soldiers was caused by the firefight last night that claimed the lives of one sniper and seven Air Mages. Apparently, the culprit who killed so many troops was just a single girl with a rifle! Even more shocking, the seven dead Air Mages were part of Tanya Degurechaff’s feared 203rd Battalion.

Although the enemy sniper was reported KIA, this was a huge embarrassment to the mighty Fatherland. If the news of this fiasco went outside Amiens, not only would the Empire become a laughingstock, but nearby towns and nations could be inspired to resist.

Tanya was severely reprimanded for her handling of the situation. She spent half the day getting screamed at by a red-faced general who wondered why he left the care of such an important town to a spoiled little girl. It took Tanya everything she had to not shove her rifle up the blowhard’s ass and pull the trigger.

Luckily, her talent for making bullshit excuses sound convincing was enough to save her from a demotion or discharge. However, this made her goal of leaving the frontlines for good that much harder. Tanya walked out of the General’s office in frustration.

“That pompous, blustering pig!” She thought. “Never held a gun in his life, and he has the nerve to talk down to me!? When I finally leave the frontlines, the first thing I’ll do is send that prick there in my place!” Tanya returned to her 203rd Battallion and restarted her patrol around the city.

Despite all this chaos, one building remained untouched by the nervous patrolmen. It was a humble brick motel quietly tucked away in one of Amiens’ many alleyways.

Before the Imperial takeover, most civilians who hadn’t stayed in their homes had already left town. As a result, many of Amiens’ buildings were long abandoned without any occupants. This simple three-story building happened to be one of them–or at least, that’s what they thought.

SERAS

Seras was asleep in a second-story apartment, the windows and blinds shut to conceal her. One tiny sliver of light found its way through the blinds and scorched Seras’ face. The girl awoke in pain and and shut the curtains. As a vampire, even the smallest bit of daylight was like being burned by a hot iron. As she regained her senses, Seras mind was filled with questions.

“What….? Where am I? Am I alive? Did I get home, finally?” Seras took a quick look at her surroundings, and her hopes immediately sank. “No. Dammit! This isn’t Hellsing Manor. I haven’t gone back. I’m still in Amiens.”

She was resting in a simple bedroom with a chair, desk, furnace, and the bed that Seras was in. The door was slightly open, just enough for her to hear other peoples’ voices in a language she couldn’t understand. Was she kidnapped by that damn squadron of flying soldiers? Or some other gang of soldiers looking for some perverted “fun” with a young hot blonde? Or maybe they were good samaritans who saw she was in danger and wanted to help?

The next thing Seras was the multitude of bandages covering her hands, arms, legs, and chest. Her head was throbbing like an unpleasant hangover. When Seras grabbed her forehead, she remembered the “fatal” gunshot given to her by Tanya before she blacked out.

“So these people must’ve brought me here while I was unconscious.” She thought. Thank God for Seras’ vampiric healing factor. Right now, it was the only reason she was still alive. “But still, how much longer can I keep this up?”

A familiar yet friendly voice echoed through the door: “Ah, alors tu es enfin réveillé? Didn’t I say you should get out of Amiens?”

Seras looked up and saw the kind man standing in her doorway. “Rousseau! Oh, my God! I can’t believe it’s you!” She shouted in joy and relief. “I’m so happy to see you, mate!”

“And I you, jeune Seras.” Rousseau wore the same clothes from last night, albeit much cleaner and washed. His right arm was now in a proper cast, rather than the flimsy sling Seras made for him.

Standing at the doorway behind Rousseau was a tall, strong-looking woman with green eyes and auburn hair tied in a bun. She had a friendly smile that seemed to brighten up the dusky room.

“Bonjour! My name is Amelie Rousseau. You’ve already met my husband Jean.” The woman introduced herself with a chirpy voice. She gracefully walked into the room and sat in a chair next to her husband.

“I treated all your wounds when we brought you here,” Amelie continued, “but I see now it wasn’t necessary. It’s really remarkable how fast you healed up. Normally it would take weeks to heal with your kind of injuries.”

“Bonjour, Amelie.” Seras replied meekly, but happily. “And thank you. So where am I, and how did you guys find me?”

“You’re in a Partisan safehouse.” Jean answered. “There’s about eight of them scattered all over town. Amelie and I went with two of our men looking for you at the clock tower.”

“You went out looking for me?” Seras asked, her eyes widening.

“Oui.” Amelie answered. “Jean told us how you risked your life to save him, and he wanted to return the favor. And now I can definitely see why.”

Seras smiled gratefully at Jean. “Thanks, mate. If it weren’t for you two, I might not be alive right now.” The partisan couple nodded in appreciation.

Seras looked down at herself and was shocked to see that she wasn’t wearing her yellow Hellsing uniform. Instead, she was wearing a white cotton shirt and a pair of dark gray pants. A blue cloth was tied on her upper right forearm.

“What the–what am I wearing?” Seras asked. “What happened to my clothes?”

“You mean that yellow dress you were in?” Amelie answered. “We couldn’t let you wear it because it was all tattered with scratches and mud stains. So we changed you into one of our Partisan uniforms. It’s a men’s fit, but I had it tailored to fit your measurements. It suits you well!”

“Wait. Does that mean…..Eeep! They saw me naked!” Seras’ cheeks went beet red when the thought dawned on her. Amelie didn’t fail to notice.

“Is something wrong? You don’t like it?” The older woman asked.

“Uh–No, no, it’s fine!” Seras stammered in reply. “Really, thanks for getting me some better clothes.”

“It was the least we owe you.” Amelie gently held Seras’ hand and smiled at her like a loving mother. “You were a complete stranger, and yet you risked your life to save my husband’s.” She said. “Thank you for bringing Jean back to me. I don’t know what I would do without him.”

“Y–you don’t need to thank me.” Seras said humbly. “It was the humane thing to do. I couldn’t just leave him there to die.”

“Don’t be so modest.” Jean spoke up. “You are a hero, Seras. And not just because you saved me. When we searched for you, the first thing we saw was the broken corpse of an Imperial sniper on the ground. Soon after, we witnessed a whole squad of 203rd Air Mages killed by a single sniper! It was magnificent! When we found you, we realized that you were the sniper.”

At first, we’d thought you were already dead.” Amelie continued. “But then we heard you weakly calling out to us, saying ‘Help me.’ You must have still been clinging to consciousness right then.”

“That’s right. I did call for help a few minutes after I was shot.” Seras remembered. “Wait–there wasn’t a bandage placed on my forehead! Does that mean my bullet wound healed up before they found me?” She winced as her head was throbbing again.

“Are you alright, cherie?” Amelie asked with concern.
“I–I’m alright.” Said Seras as she forced a smile. “All the craziness last night must’ve given me a headache.”

“Well, you just rest here while I bring you some medicine.” The older woman said. “When you’re ready, you can meet our comrades downstairs in the basement.”

“Thanks, Amelie. And thank you both for rescuing me.” Seras’ forced smile became a genuine one.

“Of course.” Jean’s wife smiled and she left the room, leaving both himself and Seras. “So, did you do it? Did you kill the little Fatherland bitch?”

The vampire sighed and shook her head. “Sorry, mate. I didn’t get her. I screwed it up. It was a miracle I survived.”

Rousseau didn’t lose his smile. “Ne perds pas la foi, ma amie. I feel you’ll get another chance soon enough. Sometimes surviving a battle is victory unto itself. Never forget, God is always with you.”

“Yeah, and it was ‘God’ who brought me to this shit in the first place.” Seras scoffed inwardly. “Oh! What did you guys do with my gun?” She asked.

“You mean that enormous rifle next to you? We had to leave it because it was far too heavy for us to carry. I’m sorry.”

“Oh…I see.” Losing her favorite weapon was disappointing, but it wasn’t the end of the world.

“Don’t look so down.” Jean reassured her. “There’s plenty of weapons here you can use.”

“Guess I’ll just have to make do.” Seras said. She looked behind Jean and noticed a brown leather jacket hanging on a coat rack. A blue cloth was tied on its left arm. “Is that jacket for me, too?” Seras asked.

“Yes, that is the main part of your uniform.” Jean answered. “You can put it on after you get out of bed.”

“I see. And what’s with the blue thing tied on the upper arm?”

“That cloth is the same color as our country’s flag. It is our symbol of resistance. Our hope of freedom. When you wear that jacket, Seras, you carry our dreams with us. You’re one of us now. A Partisan.” Jean looked at Seras proudly, 

Seras let out an exasperated sigh. She leaned forward and grabbed her forehead, resting her elbows on her knees. “Bloody hell, what did I get into?” She thought.

Rousseau frowned a bit–not out of disappointment, but in concern. “Seras? Is something the matter?”

“Why?…..Why would you do this?” The blonde asked. “Why would you get me involved!? I’m not a bloody Partisan!” She looked at them with distress and frustration. Jean felt like a father who had disappointed his daughter.

“You and your wife, you have a reason to fight!” Seras continued “You’re trying to free your town, your people, your country! But I have nothing to do with this war! I was forced into it for reasons I don’t even know how to explain! Don’t get me wrong–I really appreciate all the help you guys did for me, but please, I don’t want to get any more involved than I already am.”

Jean sighed deeply. “I understand, Seras. I know it’s unfair for an innocent girl like you to be dragged into this war. But the truth, Seras, is that none of us asked for this war. We don’t enjoy this madness any more than you do. So many of us have our homes, friends, and family because of this.”

The Partisan pulled a pack of cigarettes from his jacket and placed one in his mouth. He handed a lighter to Seras, who lit it up for him. Jean exhaled a puff of gray smoke as he stared at the window.

“Not long ago, Amelie and I had a son. His name was Jacques. When the Bosche invaded, he volunteered into the army against our warnings. For months, we received letters from Jacques, telling us about the war and life in the trenches. The friends he watched die; the enemies he’d killed; the rats; the mud; the sickness; the hell of trench warfare and artillery strikes. And despite all that, Jacques would end his letters with how much he misses us, and how proud he is to serve the Republic.”

Jean closed his eyes, as if deep in thought. “But one day…” He said with a somber tone. “The letters stopped coming.”

Seras gave a worried expression. “My God…What happened to Jacques?”

“In his last letter, Jacques wrote that they redeployed his regiment to defend Fort Vaux after the Bosche overran them position at Verdun. After that, nothing. We feared the worst.”

“He didn’t make it, did he?” Seras concluded sadly.

“He didn’t” Jean said, with his voice breaking. “Weeks later, an officer came and told us that Fort Vaux was under attack. He passed us a certificate of death with Jacques’ name on it. The news devastated us. I couldn’t sleep for weeks, and Amelie spent every night crying. Our only son was taken from us–and we’ll never get him back.”

Tears streamed down Jean’s eyes, as he stared through the window. “So many of us here have the same story. We’ve lost fathers, brothers, sons, and friends to this war. And we’re left to wonder what is even the point.” Jean cleared his throat before he continued.

“So, not long after that, the Bosche came to this town. Many of us have already formed Partisan groups before we were invaded. Amelie and I decided to do our part. Not only for our son’s sake, but for all the young men who bravely sacrificed themselves for us.”

Jean turned back to Seras and looked into her eyes with deadly seriousness. “Now, assume that you decide to leave and go on your own. We’re still under occupation by the enemy. What do you think would happen if the Bosche caught you? What if they learn about what you did last night? Rescuing a Partisan? Killing seven of their Air Mages?”

Seras froze in fear when she imagined the possibilites.

“Would they capture you?” Jean continued. “Imprison you? Lock you in a room at gunpoint, asking you questions you can’t possibly answer? Or would they just execute you as a rebel?” Jean leaned forward, placing his chin atop his hands. “You’re in this too deep, Seras. This is not something you can just leave. As unfair as it is, you have to stay with us and fight. It is your only chance to survive.”

Seras looked disappointed, but she knew Jean was right. Like it or not, there was no easy way out of this. This was her reality now.

“Like you said, Seras, we know what we’re fighting for.” Jean concluded. “Now the question is, what are you fighting for? This is something you must decide for yourself.”

“I….I understand, Rousseau.” Seras said with a saddened, but accepting tone.

“En tous cas, my wife should be back any minute with the medicine. Take as long as you need to rest. À bientôt.” The Partisan left the room, leaving Seras by herself.

The Hellsing soldier crashed down to the pillows, arms folded behind her head. So many things had happened to her at once, she didn’t know where to begin.

“Well, let’s go over the good news and the bad news.” She thought. “The good news: I’m alive, I’m in a safe place with some new allies, and Tanya won’t be coming after me because she probably thinks I’m dead. The bad news: I’m back at Square One. I have no Hellsing weapons, I’m no closer to finding my target, and I’m still stuck in this Godforsaken world in a war I have nothing to do with!”

Still, like Jean said, the fact that Seras was still alive was victory enough. Maybe she would get another shot at Tanya in the future. But right now, it was time for her to close her eyes and rest.

“Oh, well. At least it can’t get any worse.”

(Stop music)

Outside in the streets, a group of Fatherland engineers was busy repairing a captured Mark V tank. One of the young men heard a strange rumbling like a falling meteor behind him. He turned around and looked up, and saw three streaks of white smoke hurtling overhead. The projectiles grew closer and closer to earth, ready to strike his position.

The soldier’s eyes lit up in horror–he knew exactly what was coming.

“Vorsicht, Jungs! Artilleriiiiiiiiiiiiie!!!!!!”

The artillery strike pulverized the ground! The unfortunate soldier and his team had no chance of escape. The impact of the artillery blew up their tank, killing them all instantly. Three giant craters were made in the cobblestone streets. More and more artillery shells screamed their way towards Amiens like banshees.

The shockwave threw Seras out of her bed. She landed face-first on the wooden floor.

“Bloody Hell, I need to stop saying ‘it can’t get worse!'”

Rousseau ran back upstairs to Seras’ room. “Are you alright!?” He shouted.

“Rousseau, what the fuck is going on now!?” The vampire screamed.

“It’s an artillery strike! The Republic Army must have started their invasion!”

“ARTILLERY!? We need to get the hell out of here!”

“If we do that, we’ll get blown to pieces! We have to get to the basement! NOW!!!”

The two of them raced out of the room and downstairs as several other men and women did the same. Amelie was among them. She opened the hatch, allowing her fellow Partisans to pile in. Roughly 30 in total, they all crammed into a spacious basement that served well as a bunker.

The room was dark, the only light coming from the dim electric lighting around them. Each artillery shell rattled the foundations like a miniature earthquake. The Partisans crouched against the floors and walls, praying that their building wouldn’t get hit. Seras also took cover, covering her ears to block out the maddening noise.

“First I get sent to this hellhole against my will! Seras shouted in her head. Then I nearly get killed multiple times! And now I have to fight for my life in some sort of invasion!? JUST HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS  DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH!?” 

TANYA

In the skies above Amiens, Tanya and her battalion witnessed their comrades below being blown apart. Warren, Visha, and all the others looked on in horror and sadness, but Tanya was infuriated.

Verdammte Scheisse! How did I fuck this up so bad!?” She cursed herself. “Those Republic dogs! How dare they make my bad day even worse! This is all just another attempt by Being X to break me!”

<“203rd Battallion!”> Tanya called out! <“The Republic has officially begun their invasion! We need to drive them back before they cross our defensive line! Move out!”>

The 203rd Air Mages hurried towards the beleaguered front lines, where the Republic infantry would be waiting for them.


CHAPTER 10: CAPTAIN DuPONT

Republican Army Trenchline
300 Meters From Amiens
5:55PM–Five minutes before attack

In the outskirts of Amiens, the skies thundered with the constant “BOOM-BOOM-BOOM” of artillery cannons. Far overhead, the flying ordinance shrieked through the clouds to pound their targets far ahead.

Captain Pierre DuPont watched the destruction happen miles away with a pair of binoculars. The artillery strike was well-coordinated, for once. Most of the rounds landed on the machine gun and field cannon emplacements, which were exactly what they needed destroyed. His only fear was that some idiot would fire the wrong way and hit his position by accident.

The captain was a tall, mustached man in his thirties, though years of brutal fighting had aged him far beyond that. He wore a dark blue uniform that was once beautiful, but now ruined with splotches of dirt, mud, and dried blood. His head was covered with a blue field cap called a kepi.

His main weapon was a semi-automatic rifle called an RSC 1917–a rare sight in a war where most used bolt-actions. He also carried a cavalry saber on his left hip, and on his right was a holster with a Mauser pistol he took from a dead Fatherland officer. Satisfied with what he saw, the captain lowered his binoculars and turned towards the men behind him.

The long, narrow trenchline facing Amiens was crowded with hundreds of Republic soldiers. They wore the royal blue uniform of the Francois Army, some with kepis and others with steel Adrian Helmets.

Most of them wielded the Lebel 1886, the standard-issue bolt action rifle. Others carried big, heavy LMGs like the Chauchat, trench shotguns supplied by the Unified States, and even some captured enemy rifles and submachine guns.

The young Francois infantry stood at the ready, anxious to hear their leader give the order to attack. It would only be a few minutes now.

(Translated from French)

(“My brothers!”) Captain DuPont spoke loudly. (“Brave and loyal soldiers of the 44th Republic Infantry. This is the day all of us spent weeks of planning and preparation for! Two weeks of victory and occupation have made our enemies lazy, careless, and weak! They’ve had no idea that we were readying ourselves for this assault! By the time our artillery ceases, a huge hole will be blown into the enemy’s front defenses. With their machine guns, soldiers, and tanks blown to pieces, our forces will have a clear path to the city!”)

The soldiers roared proudly, their morale ignited by the captain’s words.

DuPont continued his speech. (“Men, it is no secret to anyone that we’re in a desperate spot. We’ve lost several battles to these Fatherland marauders in the past. Months of failure and death have brought our country to its greatest crisis. Amiens is more than a city–it’s our last line of defense. If we fail to retake it, nothing will stop the enemy from moving towards our capital, Parisii. Then we will have truly lost this war.”)

The artillery fire continued. Only three minutes left.

(“Right now, our forces stand at about 200,000 infantry, 40 tanks, 30 airplanes, and 200 Air Mages.”) Captain DuPont spoke. (“On the ground, the enemy outnumbers us 3 to 1. But while they have the numbers, they’re mostly boys who have never tasted real combat! Our defeats have given us strength, experience, and an unbreakable will! Not only that, but several courageous civilians in Amiens have taken arms and fought the enemy themselves, without any training or experience whatsoever! That is the key to our victory!”)

The soldiers cheered once again, their blood boiling with dreams of victory!

(“Tanya Degurechaff and her army of devils have stolen this land from us! Many of our brothers were slain by that vile witch, and she found sadistic pleasure in their deaths! Now she insults us again by taking one of our oldest and most beautiful cities! Some of you here are from Amiens yourselves or have loved ones here. And so I ask you, will you stand and watch as Degurechaff continues to spill our people’s blood!?”)

(“NO, SIR!!!”) The 44th replied in unison.

(“Will you stand and watch as her jackboots trample the throats of our families!?”)

(“NO, SIR!!!”)

(“Will you stand and watch as our country is swallowed by the the Kaiser’s tyranny as the Imperial banner waves across our land!?”)

(“NO, SIR!!!”)

(“Then steel yourselves, men! Don’t think of the threat of death or capture! Think only of your bayonet in the enemy’s heart! This is the first day of our vengeance! It’s time to send the Bosche back to the Fatherland!”)

The captain checked his watch. Only one more minute. He pulled out his whistle to signal the charge.

(Stop music)

(“Fix bayonets!”) DuPont and his men 44th Regiment quickly attached the long, thin knives at the end of their rifles.

Everyone was silent. Their heartbeats quickened. Their breaths shortened. Their eyes focused on the city just a few football fields away. Their hands gripped tightly onto the weapons they held. Feelings of joy, fear, anger and sorrow ran though them all at once.

Finally, all at once, the guns stopped.

6:00PM

Captain DuPont blew his whistle.

“CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!”

The 44th Infantry climbed over the trench, running and screaming ferociously! The soldiers stampeded across the field, ignoring the mud and dirt that clung to their boots. Every step they took brought them closer to Amiens, and the invaders that they were going to drive out. But they were not the only ones in this assault.

Moving along Captain DuPont’s regiment was a company of Renault FTs–small, agile tanks with rotating turrets. Far above, a squadron of SPAD S.XIII fighter planes darted through the sky like bats. And following them were hundreds of Republican Air Mages, some of whom survived terrible battles against the Imperial 203rd Battalion.

Their forces combined to roughly 200,270 men in total. It was still small compared to the Empire’s 400,000 troops, but they wouldn’t let that stop them.

It was their moment of honor. Their moment of pride. Their moment of revenge. They were going to free this town, or die trying!

On the other side, some Fatherland troops scurried to their trench outside Amiens. They desperately fired their machine guns and rifles to slow down the advancing Francois. While some of the enemy were killed, most were able to take cover behind tanks, rocks or craters in the field.

The Renault tanks blew up the machine gun emplacements while the fighters and Mages above picked off the infantry from above. With their cover and machine guns destroyed, the Imperials were forced to fall back. The ones who tried to fight up close were easily shot, beaten, or bayoneted to death.

Amiens was now only 100 meters away. So far, this invasion was going perfectly……At least for the Republic.

From 400 meters above, Tanya and her watched the chaos happening below. They’d arrived too late. Their enemy was on the verge of breaching the first line of defense. The fighting would continue inside the city.

<“Wow. I can’t believe it’s come to this.”> Warren sighed.

Another Air Mage, Wilibald Koenig complained, <“We just took this fucking town weeks ago, and now we have to fight over it again!?”>

<“There’s so many of them. And it’s not even just the ground forces attacking us!”> Visha cried.

The commander, Tanya, stared down at the battle, thinking about the enemy’s tactics.

“Our forces far outnumber theirs, but they’ve managed to break our defenses relatively quickly. They can’t have that many forces left to spare after losing so many times. They must be relying on surprise and speed to take us our before we can regroup.” Tanya smiled. “What a foolish, futile plan! We’ll send slaughter these buffoons before the next sunrise!”

<“Don’t let these Republic fools scare you!”> Tanya shouted to the 203rd. <“They might’ve gained some ground, but this invasion is nothing more than the desperate gasps of a dying army! We’re the legendary 203rd Air Mage Battallion! We won the war against Dacia in only six weeks! We silenced the insurrection at Arene! We defeated the Entente Alliance at the Osfjord! If we can’t defend this city from a few tired, half-starved soldiers, our reputation and our victories will be forever lost to history! Now let’s make these fools regret they planned this pathetic attack!”>

<“YES, MA’AM!!!”> The battalion cried at once. They surged ahead through the skies, watching the hordes of Francois soldiers below. The Air Mages loaded their rifles, aiming at the enemy below.

From the ground, the 44th Infantry cleared the first line of defense. Captain DuPont and two other men looked up at the sky, noticing small black figures hovering above.

(“Do you see that? What is it?”) Said one soldier.

(“Is it one of our Mage squadrons?”) Said another.

DuPont looked harder. The Mage at the front of the group was the same blonde girl one who led the assault on Amiens weeks ago. His eyes widened in horror.

(“IT’S THE 203rd BATTALLION!!! GET TO COVER, NOW!!!”)

<“Line up your shots!”> Tanya commanded. <“Ready!……..Aim!………Fire!”>

The Second Battle of Amiens has begun.

CONTINUES IN PART 2


Top 12 Most Toxic Families (Numbers 3, 2, & Dishonorable Mentions)

Number 3
The Uchiha Clan
(Naruto & Naruto Shippuden)

Ray: Kinda cheating since problems with this family span several generations. But since they all come from the same bloodline, I’d say it counts.

Arkham: We’re not looking at the whole family (I already took way too much writing space talking about the Zabis), but the Uchiha have their fair share of seriously messed-up people. Two brothers, a father, a distant relative, and the asshole who basically started it all.

Ray: It’s kind of a bad sign when the very REASON some of these guys became as powerful as they are is through pain inflicted on themselves AND each other. Want the Sharingan eyes that will give you enhanced perception and muscle-memory? You gotta experience great trauma first. 

Arkham: Want the more powerful Mangekyo Sharingan with extra abilities? Kill your best friend. 

Ray: Want said power to be permanent with no ill side effects like impending blindness through overuse? Gouge out your own eyeballs and replace them with those of another Uchiha!

Arkham: Jeeeezus! That’s one hell of a way to do an eye transplant!

Ray: Trust me, that’s just the beginning. How bad are some of the individual family members?

Ray: Starting from the lowest man on the totem pole in terms of war-crimes, Fugaku didn’t just try to lead a violent revolt against Konoha (the Hidden Leaf Village for dub viewers), he fell victim to “playing favorites” with his oldest son, Itachi.

Arkham: Ugh, parental favoritism, again? Didn’t we see enough of that from the Le Domases and Zoldycks?

Ray: It turns out to be a huge mistake on Fugaku’s part. Itachi wanted no part of the “Uchiha Revolution”, knowing it would have killed hundreds of innocent people. When Fugaku caught wind of this, he actually switched favorites to his younger son Sasuke.

Itachi and Sasuke Uchiha, as kids.

Arkham: Fucking hell, at least Heihachi was consistent about which of his kids he hated!

Ray: As for their mother, she gets a pass because she either didn’t know about the plan or wanted no part of it. Then there’s Itachi, who got involved in convoluted political affairs and his own motivations to destroy whatever evil was plaguing the land. He stopped the Uchiha Revolution in the only way possible–by annihilating his entire clan in one night.

Arkham: Jesus Christ, how many families have we covered that involved them slaughtering each other!? And if I remember, Sasuke’s the only one who survived this, right?

Ray: Yes, and as you can predict, he does not take this well at all. His trauma from the genocide causes him to go on a crusade of revenge against his traitorous brother. But Sasuke’s no angel himself. He’s easily one of–if not the most–divisive character in Naruto. Here’s just a few examples of his sins:

– Emotionally/Physically abusing his teammate Sakura, who has a rather unhealthy crush on him.

– Abandoning and betraying his friends just for the sake of killing Itachi.

-Nearly killing his best friend and rival Naruto on several occasions.

Ray: And those are just the most obvious crimes. Yes, Sasuke eventually got his head out of his ass and rejoined the good guys. But by that time, he’d killed people, assaulted Gokage summit, brutally maimed his former “friends” several times, and MORE.

Arkham: But at least Sasuke has the excuse of having an abusive douchebag for a sibling and a favorite-playing father with towering expectations. For years, Itachi manipulated his own brother both emotionally and physically. Why? Because it was all a ploy to make Sasuke strong enough to defeat Orochimaru and Madara.

 Orochimaru and Madara Uchiha

Arkham: Now, I understand those two are psychotic bastards in their own right, but is this really the best way to train someone to kill them!? Even his moment of redemption only occurred posthumously when he was brought back as a ninja-zombie.

Ray: There’s also Obito, a distant relative of the Uchiha Clan. 

That is the most impractically designed mask ever.

Ray: After watching his best friend get murdered by another, Obito’s entire worldview became warped to the point of genocidal thoughts. He helped found the Akatsuki, unleashed the Nine-Tailed Fox Kurama upon the Hidden Leaf Village which would leave hundreds orphaned (including series protagonist Naruto himself) and would eventually go on to ignite the Fourth Great Shinobi War.

Arkham: You watch your friend die and you decide that’s reason enough to start a world war? I get that you’re angry, but this shit is taking it way too far.

Ray: And his end-goal? A completely demented project called the “Eye of the Moon” Plan.

Arkham: I haven’t gotten very far in Shippuden, so you’re gonna have to explain that one to me.

Ray: Imagine it as being trapped in the Matrix. Basically, Obito’s plan was to cast a Genjutsu called Infinite Tsukuyomi onto the moon. Doing so would hypnotize the whole world into an eternal trance, in which they would live in an endless dream world. And to ensure that no one ever breaks the spell, he would ensnare everybody in the roots of a giant, sentient tree called the God Tree. While the victims are stuck in their dream world, the God Tree slowly drains away their humanity, until they finally become emotionless zombies called “White Zetsu.”

Arkham: (Shocked and horrified) Trapping people inside an evil tree and stealing their souls!? Not even Poison Ivy would come up with a plan this insane! And what’s Obito’s endgame here!? Why does he think this is a good idea!?

Ray: In his very broken mind, Obito thinks he’s doing humanity a favor. Everyone can spend their lives in whatever fantasy they wish to live in as the God Tree slowly removes their memories, personalities, and dreams. His end goal is to create his own version of “paradise” free from things like hatred, prejudice, sorrow and fear.

Arkham: (Frustrated sigh) I played through Tales of Berseria. The main villains, Artorius and Innominant, had a very similar plan in which he wanted to create a utopia by turning people into emotionless zombies. By doing that, yes, they got rid of things like hatred and sorrow, but they also took away positive things like love and happiness!

Arkham: In the end, what you’re left with are mindless drones just carrying out tasks with no free will of their own! Is that the kind of life you’d want to live!?

Ray: Of course not! Nor would I wish that for anyone! Anyway, it was only thanks to the efforts of Naruto and the rest of Team 7 that it was ultimately thwarted. Obito himself had a small redemption when he sacrificed his life to save his friend Kakashi.

Arkham: Well, good for him I suppose. By the way, wasn’t there one more we were supposed to talk about?

Ray : Yes, the crown freaking jewel of them all: Madara Uchiha

Ray: For a good portion of the story, he was the Big Bad alongside Orochimaru. If it weren’t for Kaguya, I would believe that Madara gave rise to the entire clan. He’s all of their sadism rolled into one and THEN SOME. He repeatedly showed he was willing to conspire against, manipulate, and massacre whole nations just to obtain higher levels of power, and somehow planned out his resurrection and neutralized any attempt to bring him down.

Arkham: Oh, fucking brilliant. So what’s his story?

Ray: As a child, Madara was best friends with a shinobi from the Senju clan named Hashirama. Their clans were constantly feuding with each other, often sending their youngest to die in battle. Madara and Hashirama both dreamed of an alliance between their clans that would end the cycle of violence between them. As they became adults, Madara and Hashirama ended up fighting in battle frequently. Hashirama won each time, but could never push himself to kill his best friend. Peace would be briefly formed, but Madara disapproved of Hashirama’s more peaceful methods, preferring “might is right” or “peace through force”. This inevitably drove them back at each other’s throats, where they would duel one last time. Hashirama prevailed, but Madara…I can only say “faked/rewrote” his death and went into hiding, forming his plan to end what he saw as a broken world.

Arkham: (Horrified) Oh, God……Don’t tell me!

Ray: Yes, Madara was the originator of the Eye of the Moon plan. Before he actually died, he entrusted the plan to Obito to carry it out. Madara would then be revived years later through the Unholy World Resurrection Technique, effectively bringing him back as an immortal zombie.

Arkham: How many times do I have to look up Narutopedia just to understand this?

Ray: Don’t worry, we’re almost done with this entry. You already know what happened after the Eye of the Moon plan was enacted. After it failed, Madara was betrayed by one of his allies, the Black Zetsu, who mortally wounded him to revive an ancient goddess named Kaguya Otsutsuki. And by the way, you know things are screwed when the only feasible way to defeat Madara was to literally sacrifice him to resurrect an evil god!

Arkham: Jesus Christ, I had no idea the Uchiha family tree spanned all the way back to Genesis! What, is there an Adam and Eve Uchiha that ate the forbidden fruit and started all this!?

Ray: Not far off the mark, actually. But trust me, I could make an entire rant about Kaguya here, but I think that’s a story for another time. The Uchiha Clan’s history of betrayal and murder goes back hundreds of years–deception, betrayal, and bloodshed are basically in their blood. There’s a reason why so many villains in the Naruto-verse share the same last name.


Number 2
House Lannister
(Game of Thrones)

 Arkham: Game of Thrones. An epic and gritty HBO TV series spanning 8 seasons and just as many years.

Ray: Based on the book series by George R.R. Martin, don’t forget!

Arkham:…..And then the 2019 series finale completely fucked everything up and ruined the show in many people’s minds, but that’s neither here nor there. If you’ve never checked out the show or want to revisit it, I highly recommend you sign up on HBO MAX and watch it! I know the ending sucked, but I promise the other 90% of it is worth it!

Ray: Unfortunately, I don’t have HBO and don’t plan on getting it for a while. For now, I’ll settle for the Cliffnotes version. So, what can you say about House Lannister?

Arkham: Fuck, man. What can’t I say? I’m worried that I might make this another long one like the Zabis’ entry. But before I start on them, I need to give you a little backstory on the world of GoT and the central conflict.

Ray: (Grabs a bowl of popcorn) Lay it on me, then!

Arkham: (Inhales) So!……Game of Thrones takes place on the island of Westeros, a country made of several warring kingdoms and houses. The conflict centers on the island’s capital, King’s Landing. The House whose representative takes the throne there becomes king of all Westeros. All Houses in Westeros are constantly at war with each other for the throne for various reasons. So basically, it’s the world’s longest, most brutal Battle Royale game.

Ray: And who are the said competitors for the grand prize?

Arkham: You have the loyal and honorable House Stark led by Ned and later his son Jon; the outcast House Targaryen led by Daenerys; the famously wealthy and influential House Tyrell led by Lord Mace; the seafaring House Greyjoy led by Theon; and the focus of this entry, House Lannister, led by its ruthless and calculating patriarch, Lord Tywin.

Tywin Lannister, Lord of House Lannister.

Arkham: And since he’s the head of the family, we’ll start with him. Tywin, as I’ve already stated, is a cruel, calculating sociopath whose only goal is to have his House rule from the Iron Throne, whether it’s him or one of his children sitting upon it. His House became one of–if not THE wealthiest family in Westeros because of the vast gold mines they own. He’s so goddamn rich that some people even say he “shits gold.”

Ray: (Laughs) If that’s true, going to the bathroom must be a nightmare for him!

Arkham: Hey, I’d want a golden turd too if it means I never have to work for money again! Anyway, as wealthy as the Lannisters were, they had their fair share of problems. Tywin’s father, Tytos, wasted much of their House’s fortune on bad investments. Tywin deeply hated his father, not only because he was such a poor ruler, but because his antics made their family a laughingstock among the other Houses. Tytos was so hated that his own vassals, House Reyne, even tried to overthrow him! Tywin quickly put down the rebellion by slaughtering every member of House Reyne. This massacre was recorded in a song, giving a darker meaning to the family motto, “A Lannister always pays his debts.”

Ray: Oof….Remind me never to give a loan to this family. So, other than being a genocidal maniac, what else was Tywin guilty of?

Arkham: Actually, most of the Lannister family’s real crimes would be committed by Tywin’s children and grandchildren. Tywin married his cousin Joanna, and they gave birth to twins: brother and sister Jaime and Cersei. He would later have a second son named Tyrion, whom he grew to hate since his wife died right after giving birth to him. It also didn’t help that Tyrion was a midget (and WAY more hideously-deformed in the books, I’m talking Quasimodo levels of deformed), which Tywin saw as revolting. 

Jaime and Cersei Lannister.

Arkham: Jaime is one of the lesser evils of the family. He’s Tywin’s eldest son and a member of the Kingsguard order of Knights. Unlike his father or Cersei, he always treated his midget brother Tyrion with a modicum of respect.

Ray: Well, I’m glad at least somebody in his family does. So, you said that he’s some sort of knight? Someone of his stature has to have some sense of nobility, right?

Arkham: Well, yeah. Jaime does have a strong sense of justice and loyalty. Unfortunately, him being a knight meant that Jaime wasn’t allowed to inherit his father’s land or titles, and his sister Cersei couldn’t inherit on account of her being a woman. That left their brother Tyrion who, again, their father hated.

Ray: Ah, the classic problems of royal lineage. I bet that led to a lot of awkward conversations at dinner.

Arkham: Oho, you ain’t even seen awkward yet! Y’know the twins, Jaime and Cersei? Guess what? (Pauses) They’re fucking!

Ray: (Looks shocked) Wait–WHAT!?

Arkham: You heard me! Jaime and Cersei have been in an incestuous relationship ever since they were children! Hell, the end of the very first episode shows them banging in one of the watchtowers while Bran Stark accidentally peeps on them. Jaime even attempts to kill the poor kid to keep their affair under wraps!

Ray: (Stammering incoherently) I—I know that incest is common in royal families, but that doesn’t mean we wanna see it!

Arkham: (Laughing) Welcome to Game of Thrones, BITCH!!! Jaime and Cersei’s twincest would lead to them having three children: Joffrey, Tommen, and Myrcella. They each took the last name of Cersei’s late husband, King Robert Baratheon. 

From left to right:
Joffrey, Tommen, and Myrcella.

Arkham: Tommen and Myrcella aren’t as important to the story, so I’ll get them out of the way first. Tommen is the third and youngest child. He was generally a sweet and innocent boy with a good moral center. He’s also surprisingly intelligent for his age, which really comes into use when he eventually becomes king (more on that later). Unfortunately, Tommen was emotionally fragile, which made him an easy bullying target by his douchebag brother Joffrey (and trust me, we will get to him). His mother Cersei also took advantage of her youngest son, manipulating him whenever she got the chance. He would eventually be married to Margaery Tyrell, who became the love of his life. The two actually went on to have a happy, stable relationship together.

Ray: Well, that makes me happy for both of them. What about his sister?

Arkham: Myrcella is very much the same way. She’s a very sweet and loving girl who cares deeply for her family. So sweet that she’s good friends with Sansa, one of the members of House Stark, the Lannisters’ greatest rival. Like Tommen, she’s also a bit naive and a bit of a hopeless romantic. This would ultimately lead to her death, unfortunately. But we’ll get to that later. Right now, I want to talk about the Lannister kid that everyone loves to hate.

Arkham: Even if you’ve never watched or read Game of Thrones, there’s a good chance you’ve at least heard of this guy. Joffrey has been so rightly hated by both the characters and the audience that even his name has basically become a meme! Whether you love to hate him or just plain hate him, Joffrey is the kind of character you want to see lose in the end.

Ray: Oh, boy, here we go again. Might as well put him alongside Shinji Matou, Prince Clovis, and Gihren Zabi on the list of evil princes.

Arkham:  I already mentioned that he’s a bully to his younger siblings, but it runs much deeper than that. Joffrey is like that snotty rich kid from high school who fails all his classes, gets drunk at strip clubs, and only gets by because of his parents’ money. He’s a spoiled, violent, dimwitted sociopath who cares only about his own pathetic ego. Basically, he’s Draco Malfoy from “Harry Potter”.

Arkham: Hell, he even looks like Draco.

Ray: They both have that irritatingly smug rich-boy grin that you just want to punch. So what did this kid do to earn so much ire from everyone?

Arkham: What hasn’t he done!? Joffrey was introduced from the very beginning in Season 1. He’s taken by his family to Winterfell, the domain of House Stark, where he meets his future wife and queen Sansa Stark. The first bit of character we get is when Tyrion asks why his nephew wasn’t paying respects to Bran after his fall left him crippled for life. Joffrey scoffs, “I can’t stand the wailing of women”, which gets him slapped down by his pissed-off uncle.

Ray: HA! Bet that taught him a lesson!

Arkham: He never learns it. Later that same episode, Joff caught Sansa, her sister Arya, and a butcher’s son named Mycah having a pretend swordfight. The little creep intimidates poor Mycah with a real sword before Arya attacks Joffrey to protect her friend. Enraged, Joffrey threatens to kill Arya, causing him to get bitten by her direwolf Nymeria. The twerp whines about it to his mommy Cersei while denying the fact that it was his own fault. She orders the wolf executed for attacking her son. Ned spares and releases Nymeria, before killing her sister Lady (who had nothing to do with the incident) in her place.

Ray: One episode and he gets an innocent animal killed for his own failures!?

Arkham: Yes, and it only gets worse. By the end of Season 1, King Robert Baratheon is mortally wounded from a hunting accident. By royal law, the title of king is passed to the oldest son after the current king’s death. Guess who gets the job?

Ray: (Also facepalms) The guy with absolutely no leadership skills whatsoever suddenly gets put in charge of a country? How could THIS go wrong?

Arkham: After King Robert’s death, Joffrey takes his seat at the Iron Throne and now rules all of Westeros. And what’s the first royal decree by King Joffrey? He has Ned Stark publicly executed on the false suspicion of treason, as his wife and Ned’s daughter Sansa is watching in terror! He later tortures Sansa by forcing her to look at her father’s severed head! Just for sick, sadistic pleasure! Again, all of this is in Season 1! We haven’t even got to the real shit yet!

Ray: (Groans exhaustedly)……..What does he do next?

Arkham: I think Tyrion nicely sums up Joffery’s tenure as king with this line…

Arkham: And unfortunately, Joffrey is just that: a vicious idiot. Like a certain 45th President (who’s sadly our 47th now because America sucks), Joffrey gets the idea that being a king entitles him to do whatever the hell he wants, consequences be damned. And he throws a childish tantrum whenever he doesn’t get his way or if someone calls him out. But in reality, Joffrey was just a puppet ruler who only thought he had power. The ones who were actually in charge were Tyrion, Cersei, and Tywin, the three heads of council. Of course, Joffrey was too much of a narcissistic twit to see that.

Ray: Were there any times when he actually got to use his power?

Arkham: Only when he’s using it to torture or execute people, which happened very often during his rule. Not only that, Joffrey was the type of person who doesn’t understand or care about the consequences of his actions. For instance, remember when he had Ned Stark executed? That caused House Stark to revolt against him, causing all of Westeros to go to war over the throne! Yes, Joffrey’s stupidity is the catalyst of the show’s entire conflict!

Ray: (Exhales) At this point, I’m not even surprised. I mean, we’ve seen several times on this list how one man’s idiocy can ruin everyone else’s life. So what else can we say about the Good King Joff?

Arkham: Honestly, I’m not sure what else I can say. Joffrey spends the rest of his onscreen time like he always does–executing people on a whim, bullying his fiance Sansa, and just being a general asshole. One of the most disturbing scenes I remember is when Joffrey had two concubines named Ros and Daisy visit him. He holds them at crossbow-point and forces one to beat up the other. Why? To send a message to his uncle Tyrion about what would happen to him if he ever gets in his business again.

Ray: (Horrified) GOOD LORD!!! This is a level of senseless barbarism that only Gangrel from Fire Emblem could match! Tell me he faces some consequences for his actions!

Arkham: Oh, trust me–he does. Later on, Joffrey and his entourage go out to King’s Landing, where they see off his sister Myrcella as she sails off to Dorne. They turn around to see a crowd of citizens furious at Joffrey because the war has caused a major food shortage. Instead of calming the crowd or getting the hell away, Joffrey orders his guards to execute them after one throws a cow pie in his face. The guards are easily overwhelmed and all hell breaks loose. Joff and Tyrion escape the chaos, and Tyrion gives his idiot nephew a good slapping for throwing a tantrum.

Ray: And a well deserved one, too! Especially since this whole war was his fault!

Arkham: (Smiles) You think that’s satisfying? Wait till you hear about how he dies! Joffrey’s final appearance was in “The Lion and the Rose”  (Season 4, Episode 2). At this point, he had called off his betrothal to Sansa and decided to marry Margaery Tyrell instead. They hold a lavish feast on their wedding day and receive many gifts. One of Joffrey’s gifts is a golden chalice containing red wine. He takes one sip and suddenly falls to the floor, vomiting blood. As it turns out, the wine was spiked with a small dose of “The Strangler”, a rare poison that causes the victim to choke to death. Joffrey dies a slow, humiliating death as he violently asphyxiates. In his last moments, he points accusingly at Tyrion, who gave him the wine.

There were no tears that day. Only cheers and laughter.

Arkham: And so ends the short-lived but forever hated reign of Joffrey the Jerkoff.

Ray: I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again–GOOD FREAKING RIDDANCE!

Arkham: Savor this, because this is the highest point of this entry. We still have several other Lannisters to cover. Since I’ve gone on long enough as it is, I’ll just speedrun the rest.

Ray: Fair enough. I’ll imagine right now that Tyrion’s situation is looking pretty bad right now. Y’know, after having been framed for his nephew’s murder.

Arkham: You’re damn right about that! Tyrion had no knowledge of the poison or any intent to kill Joffrey, but it didn’t matter. He was quickly put on royal trial in front of nearly the entire population of King’s Landing. Angry and humiliated, Tyrion confesses that he didn’t kill Joffrey, but wishes he had because of how despicable his nephew was. He also calls out his father, siblings, and everyone else for mistreating him because he’s a dwarf. Held in contempt for the tirade, Tyrion demands a trial by combat so he can at least die on his own terms.

Ray: Man, props to Peter Dinklage for some fantastic acting! So, is Tyrion the next one to bite the dust?

Arkham: Incredibly, Tyrion actually wins the trial by combat and is exonerated of his crimes. At the end of the season, Tyrion takes Joffrey’s crossbow and assassinates his father Tywin in the best place possible: on the toilet.

Arkham: Now that there’s nothing left for him in King’s Landing, Tyrion stows away inside a crate that’s taken on a ship sailing to Essos. He would later defect to House Targaryen and become one of the top advisors to its matriarch, Queen Daenerys. He works with her to bring House Targaryen to the throne for the last three seasons.

Ray: Well, at least now he finally gets some amount of dignity back. What about the remaining Lannisters?

Arkham: As for Cersei, she was eventually exposed and arrested for having an incestuous relationship and for arranging the death of King Robert (by making him drunk on his last hunting day). Her son Tommen summons her to be taken to court at the Great Sept of Balor, the main place of worship in King’s Landing. Vindictive as ever, Cersei sends one of her men to blow up the entire church on the day of her trial, killing everyone inside. Including the wife of her son, Margaery. Tommen looks horrified at the atrocity before quietly jumping from a high tower, killing himself.

Arkham: His sister Myrcella also dies in an unrelated event, when she was poisoned aboard her father Jaime’s boat. In her last moments, she admits to Jaime that she always knew that she always knew of his and Cersei’s incest. But she holds no grudge against him for it and loves him anyway. The poison takes effect, and Myrcella dies in the arms of her weeping father.

Ray: (Sadly) Even the most innocent members of this house aren’t spared. It’s like watching the Zabi family all over again.

Arkham: (Nods) Indeed. With no heirs left, Cersei seizes the Iron Throne by force and becomes the new Queen of Westeros. She’s so begrieved by the deaths of her children that she becomes even more cruel and irrational. She relies on her brother/husband Jaime for support, but even he’s starting to turn against her after seeing what a monster she’s become. Cersei becomes desperate to keep him around that she even lies about being pregnant with yet another child!

Ray: (Shakes head) Now that’s just pathetic. You know your relationship’s hit rock bottom when you have to lie to keep it from breaking!

Arkham: You said it. And I’m getting sick of talking about this family so I’ll wrap it up quickly. By the eight and final season, a united army led by Houses Stark and Targaryen held off a massive invasion by the White Walkers, an army of ice zombies led by the Night King. With the White Walkers destroyed and the north forever safe, Daenaerys launches an attack on King’s Landing to take the throne and end the war once and for all. She flies in on her dragon, Drogon, incinerating the whole town and its residents to ashes.

The scene that killed Game of Thrones.

Ray: WHAT THE HELL!? Was this the scene that everybody was complaining about!?

Arkham: Yes, Ray. Yes it was. This show is no stranger to characters doing brutal things. The problem here was, Dany was such a beloved character at this point that it was jarring to see her go full-on supervillain all of a sudden.

Ray: No kidding! If Daenaerys was about to win anyway, did she even need to burn half of the capital to the ground!? Civilians included!?

Arkham: Let’s leave that for YouTube reviewers to decide. Anyway, Cersei is undoubtedly horrified at the carnage that Dany has wrought on the city. With her city in flames and army in flames, Cersei realizes that her reign is over. The dragon moves in on her castle and tears it down brick by brick. Cersei and Jaime meet each other one last time and die in each other’s arms.

Ray: Well, at least they died the way they lived–together in creepy, incestuous love. So I guess Tyrion is the only one left to take the throne?

Arkham: He was pretty much disowned by his family from the start, so no. Instead, he becomes the hand to King Bran of House Stark, after Daenaerys dies days before. With all of his family members except for him dead, House Lannister becomes all but extinct by the end of the show. At that point, Westeros would now be ruled by a council of nobles who will vote on the next monarch, in hopes to end the cycle of violence.

Ray: In that case, I wish all the luck to them. If HBO ever continues this show in a new form, I hope its ending is better received than the original’s.

Arkham: Well, it actually has happend!….Sort of. In 2022, HBO launched House of the Dragon, a prequel to Game Of Thrones set 172 years before the main series. It’s centered on the Targaryen family and all it’s political troubles. As of 2024, it finished its second season, with the next one planned for 2026.

Arkham: And lemme tell ya, these people deserve their own entry! It’s like coming from a fucked-up incestuous family is a requirement to be on this show!

Ray: Indeed, indeed. And it’s hard to believe that there’s one more weird, incestuous family that we’ve yet to cover! And trust me, they make all the royal families in Westeros look stable by comparison!

Arkham: (Sighs exhaustedly) Ohhhhh, I just can’t wait!


DEAR READER:

Arkham: If you’ve stuck with us up to now–first of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart, you absolute legend! It’s taken us YEARS to get to this point, and God knows how many hundreds of pages and thousands of words!

Ray: And second, you might be wondering by now–“You guys have covered eleven horrible families up to this point, and you’re still not done!? How can you possibly find one that tops the Brittanias, Zabis, Uchihas, and Lannisters!?” Trust me, out of all the awful, despicable, miserable excuses for families that we’ve covered, our Number One pick outshines them all in pure evil.

Arkham: But for now, let’s have a quick look at some “Dishonorable Mentions”–families that are still mostly awful, but have just enough redeeming qualities to be saved from being given a spot.


(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

The Griffins (Family Guy):
Ray: Abusive and…horrifically-dysfunctional as they are, it’s obvious that it’s played more for laughs than anything. And they have a tendency to take it waaaaay overboard. Often unnecessarily.

The Simpsons:
Arkham: For all their problems, the Simpsons remain semi-functional, and are way better off than the most of the above families ever will be. There are also many episodes where they DO show they legitimately care for each other.

Fire Lord Family (Avatar: The Last Airbender):
Ray: It’s really only Ozai and Azula who were the worst. Everyone else was either fine from the start or came around to the good side. Iroh was a kind, wise, and nurturing uncle, Ursa was a very gentle and nurturing mother, even to Azula (her name also means “bear”, likely pertaining to “mama bear”) and even Zuko eventually found love and acceptance with the Avatar’s group. Zuko himself turned out to be a much better Fire Lord than his father, restoring honor to the Fire Nation.

The Jenova Family (Final Fantasy 7):
Arkham: Jenova’s role complicates things and Lucrecia’s involvement is minimal, often unintentional and an act of desperation or emotional distress. Still, Hojo is a horribly-cruel father and scientist, and it all led to the birth of Final Fantasy VII’s greatest threat. Sephiroth is the true villain of this family, as his nihilistic delusions cause him to do horrendously evil things.

The Birkins (Resident Evil 2):
Ray: The father, Dr. William Birkin, shares the most blame for creating the G-Virus and trying to incubate his daughter. His wife helped, but ultimately tried to reverse it and opposed him. The daughter, Sherry, managed to escape her terrible family and found much better parents in Leon Kennedy and Claire Redfield.

The Four Houses Cult (Resident Evil Village):
Arkham: I swear to God, if we hadn’t started this list all the way back in 2019, these mutant abominations would’ve easily been given a spot–maybe even higher than the Bakers. If we ever do a sequel list of this, you can bet your ass they’re going in the Top 5!

The Wilkins (Invincible):
Honestly, it’s hard to decide if Mark Grayson (Invincible) or Eve Wilkins (Atom Eve) has the worse family. Sure Mark’s dad Omni-Man is a ruthless, violent, world-conquering sociopath, but that was mostly ingrained into him by his Viltrumite culture. And Mark has a wonderful, supportive mother in Debbie and a mostly good-natured little brother in Oliver.

Eve, meanwhile, lives with an abusive, sexist buffoon of a dad and a weak-willed mom who does nothing to support her daughter. In that sense, I think Eve has a slightly worse family than Mark’s.


Arkham: Alright! We’ve made it this far, and we’re almost at the last stop! The next entry, we’ll cover the final, most toxic, most insane, most despicable fictional family of this list!

Ray: Buckle in, folks, because the last entry makes all the ones we’ve covered look perfectly normal by comparison! Until next time, stay awesome!

DBX: Izetta vs Tanya

Death Battle Exhibitions!

Where all the fights are settled in just a few chapters!

No Rules!

No Research!

No Mercy!


PROLOGUE

This Episode’s Players:

Emily Elvis (Player 1)

Liliana Ladrona (Player 2)

Emily: Thank you for inviting me to play DBX, Ms. Lily!

Lily: (Smiles) ¡De nada, hermanita! It’s the least I could do after you helped me through our first episode together.

Emily: Honestly, it’s nice to have another girl in this organization. Whenever my brother Edward and Mr. Louis play, they start arguing and accusing each other of cheating.

Lily: (Scoffs) Guys are always like that. They can’t stand the thought of someone beating them at something. Some of the girls I fight with on WWE 2K are just as bad.

Emily: Well last time, Mr. Louis and Hiro were playing as Black Widow and Ada Wong. Louis won, and the two almost drew guns on each other.

Lily: (Groans) !Esos jodidos idiotas! They didn’t actually shoot up the place did they?

Emily: I managed to calm them down by casting a spell of friendship…..but I might’ve overdone it. They ended up hugging saying how much they love each other.

Lily: (Laughs hysterically) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No way! Seriously!? Wow, if only I’d been there! (Continues laughing)

Emily: (Blushes) I–I had to do something! I’ve treated far too many soldiers with gunshot wounds in World War One!

Lily: Don’t worry about it, mija. I’m just glad you stopped it before it got out of hand. Anyway…..(picks up controller)….shall we begin?

Emily: Right! Off we go! (Does the same)

(Emily selects Versus; Player vs Player; One round per fight; One character; 100% Health)

Emily: (Curiously) Hmm? What’s this? 

Emily: (Excited) Oh, splendid! The new DLC just came out!

Lily: What the–I didn’t know this game got DLC. Who the hell are these girls?

Emily: That’s Izetta, Tanya and Akko. They’re characters from three different anime, but they’re all witches like me! I watch each of their shows religiously!

Lily: Heh. Well, since you’re here, how bout we each play as one of these new girls?

Emily: Aye! Let’s do it then! (Scrolls around and picks Izetta)


Name: Izetta
Age: 15
Sex: Female
Appearance: Izetta the Last Witch
The last survivor of a race of witches who were once the guardians of a small country called Eylstadt. Loyal and courageous, she dedicates her life to protecting the person most precious to her: The Princess Finé von Eylstadt.

Emily: I have a confession…I’m really not good at this game. I usually set the difficulty on Easy when I fight the computer.

Lily: Ah, don’t beat yourself up, chica. I’m not that great myself. Hell, even Lulu isn’t that good, although he’s too proud to admit it. I can’t tell you how many times I beat him by spamming fireballs in Street Fighter!

Emily: Spamming moves? That’s cheating, Ms. Lily!

Lily: Hey, we Ladrones have a family motto: “¡Si funcion, hazlo!”

Emily: “If it works, do it?”

Lily: Bingo! (Scrolls around and picks Tanya)


Name: Tanya Degurechaff
Age: 12
Sex: Female
Appearance: Youjo Senki/Saga of Tanya the Evil
A ruthless child soldier who leads the legendary 203rd Imperial Air Mages. Sadistic, cunning, and psychotic, she scored more victories than any other commander in the Fatherland’s army.

Lily: That is one creepy-ass kid.

Emily: That’s Tanya Degurechaff from Youjo Senki. And yes, she’s a tad……..unstable.

Lily: You’re telling me. Her evil stare reminds me of a teacher I had back in Catholic school. 

Emily: You went to Catholic school?

Lily: Si. Me and my friends hated that teacher. I once got in trouble for saying she had “una cara como un culo de vaca.”

Emily: “A face like a cow’s arse!?” You said that to a teacher!?

Lily: (Smirks) Yep. My friends thought I was a hero for telling her that. The bitch made me recite the Catechism 20 times, but it was worth it. Anyway, you ready to rock!?

Emily: Aye! Let’s fight!

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!
——> HELL YEAH!!!
I’M NOT READY YET!

(Emily picks “Hell yeah!!!” and the game goes into a loading screen)

(Loading. Loading. Loading. Loading.)


OPENING MOVIE:


CHAPTER 1: KIDNAPPED

May, 1940
8:15AM
Eylstadt, Somewhere in the Alps
40 miles from the northern border
Aboard a Fatherland zeppelin

Far above the northern Alpine mountains of Eylstadt, a massive L30 Airship drifted slowly across the sky. Though it was a clear, Spring morning with plenty of sunlight, the floating fortress cast an almost sinister shadow that eclipsed the sun to anyone standing below. The monstrous vehicle was kept aloft using hydrogen, itself contained by the huge, torpedo-shaped cloth that made up the bulk of the zeppelin.

Located beneath the airship’s belly were four gondolas that served as propellers, steering, and housing compartments all in one. Each gondola was manned by crews of at least five soldiers, whose duties ranged from maintaining the engines to manning the machine guns. At the very front of the L30 was the main gondola, where the bridge was located.

Almost like a page ripped out of a steampunk novel, the zeppelin’s bridge was built of hard steel, with various gadgets strewn around. Metal lamps with orange light bulbs hung overhead in several spots. The walls were covered with long rubber pipes that looked like fire hoses, but were actually used for communication. At the nose of the bridge was a steering wheel like one would see on a pirate ship, where the helmsman kept the zeppelin on her predetermined course.

Aside from the usual crew, the airship carried two very important passengers. 

The first was a beautiful fifteen-year-old girl with blonde hair and purple eyes. She wore a simple, yet elegant green dress and carried herself in a dignified way befitting a member of royalty. Rightly so, since she was the last surviving Princess of Eylstadt. Her name was Ortfiné Fredericka von Eylstadt, known simply as Finé.

Finé was sitting at a wooden table with an empty chair on the other side. A tea set was prepared for her, as if to give the illusion that this was a simple pleasure flight. It wasn’t. Standing at the door behind her were two vicious-looking guards carrying MP40 submachine guns. The Airship was flying north in the direction of the Germanian Empire, also known as the Fatherland. It was obvious that Finé wasn’t taken on a cruise–she was kidnapped.

The hatch above the captive girl opened. Climbing down the ladder an even younger girl with matching blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. She was no taller than four feet, yet she walked with the same militaristic pride as any adult. She wore a pristine green uniform whose most distinguishing features were an officer’s cap and a round red crystal located at the collar. The girl was armed with a Luger P08 pistol which she kept secure in a holster on her right hip. She sat down at the opposite end of the table, meeting Finé face-to-face.

“Guten Morgen, Prinzessin Finé.”

“I trust you’ve heard of me, based on my reputation?” The girl in the officer’s uniform asked.

Tanya von Degurechaff.” Finé remembered her kidnapper’s name. “Leader of the Imperial 203rd Air Mage Battalion.”

“Splendid! So glad we could get introductions out of the way quickly.” Tanya said. “It’s quite an honor to be in the presence of royalty. Though I regret we’d have to meet on this miserable zeppelin.” The child soldier lifted the kettle and poured some tea into hers and Finé’s cups. “Care for some tea? It’s Germanian chamomile with honey.” Tanya politely offered to Finé.

The Princess carefully took the teacup given to her, giving it a suspicious look.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Tanya said. “I assure you, it isn’t poisoned.” As if to prove it, she took a long gulp of the drink with an exaggerated sigh at the end.

Finé decided to play along and allowed just a tiny sip past her lips. “Thank you. It’s quite delicious.” She said, trying to sound as polite as she could. “You speak Eylstadtian quite well, though I can hear your Germanian accent.”

Dankeschön.” Tanya thanked her. “Our languages are similar enough for me to get the gist.” She took a relaxed pose in her chair, while Finé remained as tense as ever. 

“Do all Germanians treat their guests this way, or is it just protocol? I’m not exactly keen on being trapped hundreds of feet in the air with two armed guards behind me.” Finé complained.

“If the accommodations aren’t to your liking, you’re welcome to leave anytime.” Tanya said coyly. “Just don’t expect us to provide a parachute.” The two guards chuckled slightly at Tanya’s comment. Finé didn’t join in. Tanya was correct though. Right now, there was no way to escape. Best thing to do was to stay calm and let the conversation take its course.

“But enough small talk! Onto business.” The child officer straightened her pose in the chair. “So, I assume you know why I’ve invited you to this……’interview?'”

“Invited? Interview? Try ‘kidnapped’ and ‘interrogation!'” The Princess hissed mentally. “Please, enlighten me.” She replied, trying not to sound angry.

“As you already know, our two nations are at war.” Tanya began. “The Principality of Eylstadt has continually resisted our efforts to establish a link with our allies to the south, the Kingdom of Romulus. 

“Eylstadt is a neutral country.” Finé replied. “My people want nothing to do with the Empire or its genocidal conquest. You’ve already taken Livonia and Thermidor.”  

“Despite your claims of neutrality, you didn’t hesitate to conspire for an alliance with the Brittanian ambassador.”

“I was working to protect my country! Eylstadt needs powerful allies to help us hold off the Germanian invasion!”

“Make whatever excuses you want, Your Highness. But by making secret dealings with the Empire’s enemies, you essentially declared war.” Tanya leaned back in her chair, a condescending smile growing on her face.

The ruler of Eylstadt went red in the face. Not only was she captured by a smug little girl no older than a 6th Grader, but the same girl had the audacity to treat her like a criminal! Finé took another sip from her tea, hoping to hide her anger. “So, what is it that you want with me?” She asked Tanya.

The Fatherland soldier’s grin became wider. “I thought you’d never ask! As you already know, this airship is en route towards Germania, past this country’s northern border. My orders are to deliver you to the capital Neu-Berlin, before the throne of the Kaiser himself.”

“Do you expect me to kneel and beg him to call off the invasion?” Finé said dryly as she took another sip.

“Not exactly. We believe what we’re planning will benefit both our countries in the long run.” Tanya paused. “All you have to do…is surrender.”

The Princess nearly spat out her drink. She shot an outraged look at Tanya as if to say, “WHAT!?”

“I understand you’re less than thrilled with our proposal.” Said Tanya with an intended understatement. “But please, Your Highness, try to see reason.”

“Reason!? How would surrendering possibly be beneficial to my country!?” Finé roared.

“Think of it as a business arrangement.” Tanya explained. “Eylstadt capitulates, allowing the Empire to take the capital without any bloodshed. The kingdom then becomes a protectorate of Germania. We get safe passage with our allies, and you avoid being blown to oblivion. Everybody wins.”

“And I lose my power as the Princess. Is that it?” 

“You needn’t worry about your power. You’ll still be allowed to rule your petty little kingdom. However, you’d be required to answer to the Kaiser from then on.”

Every word uttered by Tanya was like sharp needles stabbing all over Finé’s body. It took her everything she had to control herself. “And if I refuse to agree to this ‘business arrangement?'”

Tanya went from an arrogant smile to a serious glare. “Then you will be a political prisoner for the rest of the war.” She said coldly. “That is, unless we decide to execute you. With you out of the way, the Empire simply takes Eylstadt by force. Either way, we win.”

That was the last straw! The Princess stood up from her chair and slammed her hands on the table. “How dare you! I will NOT be used as a bargaining chip to blackmail my kingdom!”

One of the guards standing behind Finé pointed his submachine gun at her. “Geh zurück zu deinem Platz, Prinzessin, oder ich erschieße dich!” He threatened her in his native language.

Tanya rose out of her seat and aimed her Luger pistol at the soldier. “Bleib stehen, Sergeant! Oder ich werfe dich vom Zeppelin!” Almost robotically, the obedient sergeant lowered his MP40. Tanya motioned her hand to allow Finé to continue speaking. The Princess took a breath to recover from the fear of nearly being shot.

“This is unacceptable!” She protested. “Do you seriously expect me to go along with this!? Sell out my people? Reduce myself to a puppet ruler? I would rather die than betray my country to monsters like you! The people of Eylstadt are loyal and proud, and will never be brought down by such cowardly tactics!”

Even with Finé screaming at her in the face, Tanya remained as cool and professional as ever. “Your Highness.” She said, “I truly admire your passion and dedication to your homeland. You’re more than worthy to bear your title.” Tanya closed her eyes and went back to her seat. “But let’s be realistic. Let’s say that you reject all our demands and continue the war against the Empire. What would be the outcome of a protracted war against us?”

“We’ll stand and fight for however long it takes to drive you out!” Finé proclaimed.

“And how do you hope to achieve that?” Tanya replied. “Eylstadt is a landlocked country with a small population, a weak army, and obsolete weapons left from the Great War. Meanwhile, the Empire’s already conquered two of the major Allied powers through Blitzkrieg attacks, which are only made possible through coordinated tactics, modern technology, and well-trained soldiers. In other words, Eylstadt has no hope of defeating us. This isn’t arrogance, it’s just fact.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.” Said the Princess with a confident face. “While Eylstadt may be weaker in terms of its military strength, we have one weapon that’s more powerful than any army.” Finé smiled ever so slightly. “I’m sure you’ve heard of a local legend? The White Witch of Eylstadt?

Tanya laughed derisively. “Ha! The White Witch? Yes, I’m well aware. An ancient fairy tale from a forgotten era. Sorry, Princess. I only deal with facts, not folklore.”

“I promise you, she’s no fairy tale. I know her personally. She saved my life multiple times!”

“And then you woke up.” The child soldier said. “Putting your faith in a children’s story is no different than praying to some nonexistent God. Pointless, worthless, and utterly useless.”

“How can you deny her existence when you have weapons that involve the use of magic!?” The Princess spat.

“Fair point.” Tanya smirked as she touched the crimson orb on her uniform. “The Eilinium crystal I wear amplifies the mana stored in my body, allowing me to perform all kinds of supernatural feats in battle. The difference however, is our magic technology is the product of painstaking research done by the Empire’s most brilliant scientists. The kind of magic you’re describing is something that only exists in myths and bedtime stories!”

The Fatherland soldier walked to Finé’s side of the table and put her face just inches away from hers. “You can hold on to your childish delusions if it makes you comfortable, Princess. But let me be clear: no one is coming to save you. By tomorrow, you’ll be negotiating your surrender in Neu-Berlin, and no witches or Gods will swoop in to rescue you. Think about that while you’re here.”

Finé didn’t say anything else, but her anger and determination were palpable. No matter what Tanya said, the Princess would never lose hope that her closest friend would come and save her! The child soldier decided there was no more point in this conversation. She walked to the set of windows on the right, sipping her tea as she enjoyed the view of the Eylstadtian mountains.

Finé closed her eyes and said a silent prayer. 

Izetta! Please!…..Please find me soon!”


CHAPTER 2: THE WHITE WITCH

Meanwhile…..

“Hold on, Princess! I’m coming!”

Izetta raced through the clouds, desperately searching for the captured Princess. She was flying astride a modified Lahti L-39 anti-tank rifle as if it were a broomstick. Flying alongside the girl was a group of medieval lances–four on each side–all levitated by Izetta’s magic. The young witch had short ruby red hair and eyes, which sharply contrasted with her silky white dress. 

The wind whipped through Izetta’s hair as she dashed through the cerulean sky and white clouds. The icy air chilled her body and stung her eyes, but she was too focused on her goal to notice it. Izetta looked up and down, side-to-side for the giant airship that her kidnapped friend Finé was on board. When she’d just about given up hope, Izetta caught a glimpse of the airship floating through a narrow mountain trench to her lower left.

“Yes! I found it!” Izetta’s heart pounded with excitement! The White Witch rolled into a nosedive towards the zeppelin, ready to attack. Izetta zoomed past every gondola beneath the airship’s belly until she found Finé trapped in the frontmost one.

“The Princess! Thank God she’s okay!” Izetta thought with relief. Finé almost shouted with joy when she saw her dearest friend come to her rescue. Tanya choked and spat out her tea in sheer disbelief, while the two guards looked on in confusion.

With no time to lose, Finé rose and swung her chair to knock out the two guards behind her. She then grabbed the tea kettle and smashed it into Tanya’s face! The Germanian girl dropped to the floor like a rock, unconscious and covered in broken porcelain and warm tea.

“By the way, your tea tastes like dishwater!” Finé spat at the knocked-out girl. 

The Princess stole Tanya’s Luger pistol and an MP40 from one of the guards.

“Okay, no doubt the whole airship would’ve seen Izetta by now.” The Princess thought. “I need to get topside!” Finé climbed the ladder leading to the inside of the airship’s interior. And sure enough, every soldier in the damn balloon was rushing to their weapons! 

A shrieking alarm blared as a male PA voice accompanied it: “Alarm! Die weiße Hexe wurde entdeckt! Sie startet einen Angriff auf den Zeppelin! Alle Truppen zu Kampfstationen! Den Feind sofort abwehren!” 

Finé couldn’t understand all of it, but it must have meant the soldiers were about to attack Izetta. She had to hurry! The Princess ran across the wooden catwalks, avoiding or gunning down any enemy soldiers along the way. As she neared the exit, Finé spotted a rack holding parachutes and decided to take one just in case. She was several hundred feet in the air after all. 

Outside, the furious Germanian soldiers shot at Izetta with rifles and machine guns, but she was too fast for them to hit. The explosive shells exploded all around, leaving puffs of gray smoke like a fireworks show. The White Witch shot back by throwing some of her lances, piercing the zeppelin’s hull and some of its gondolas. She flew upwards and above the airship, where an AA-gunner was taking potshots at her from below. 

Meanwhile, Finé came to the exterior of the airship and saw that Izetta was in danger! The anti-aircraft gunner hadn’t noticed Finé was behind him because he was too frustrated trying to take out the White Witch. The Princess sprayed what was left in her MP40 into the soldier’s back, and he fell over dead. When the gun clicked empty, Finé threw it away and took the gunner’s Kar98k rifle and some ammo.

The Princess then stood and looked up at Izetta, hovering about 40 feet above on her rifle. From that height, it was almost like looking at an angel.

Finé cupped her hands to her mouth and called out: “HEEEEEEY! IZETTAAAAAAA! DO YOU SEE ME!? IT’S FINÉ!”

Izetta was so joyful she nearly cried.  She was so close now! She was going to save Finé! “I SEE YOU, YOUR HIGHNESS! I’M COMING TO GET YOU!” 

The White Witch soared a few yards forward and immediately U-turned. She flew back to the zeppelin upside-down, arms outstretched to catch the Princess. The Princess knew what Izetta was planning and opened her arms too. Finally the two girls met, and Finé was scooped into the air, safely in Izetta’s arms. The White White turned right-side up and placed the Princess on the aft end of the gun. They were reunited at last.

Finé wept with joy and hugged her old friend tightly. “Thank you, thank you, Izetta! I knew you’d come rescue me!”

The red haired witch replied sweetly, “I’d die before I abandon you to those awful people, Your Highness! C’mon, let’s get you back to Eylsta–” 

Their celebration was cut short by some explosive rounds that popped in the air. Down below, Tanya was manning the AA gun left by the dead soldier! The two Eylstadtians quickly flew in the opposite direction of the airship, avoiding any projectiles till they were safely out of range. Thankfully, neither of them was hit.

Tanya stopped firing when she realized it was useless. She stared at the clear blue sky, eyes wide in shock.

“It can’t be! There’s no way!” The Air Mage thought. “The White Witch is real? She’s REAL!? That ridiculous fairy tale creature is a real person!?”

Behind Tanya, a taller brunette girl in the same uniform approached her. Visha was out of breath, both from running and the terror and confusion she was feeling . <“Major Degurechaff, what in the world’s going on!? Our airship’s under attack, the Princess has escaped, and several of our men are dead!”>

At that moment Tanya’s horror turned into rage. She turned around and ordered, <“Assemble the Air Mages! Get my flight suit ready!”>


CHAPTER 3: FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES

Izetta and Finé flew far away from the zeppelin, safely out of range.

The blonde felt it was a good time to ask: “Hey, Izetta? How did you know where to find me?”

“Bianca and the Royal Guard secretly followed you after you were kidnapped. They tracked you to the Northern Alps, where you were brought aboard that big, ugly balloon!” 

Finé smiled. The Royal Guard were just as dependable as ever. 

“When they told me where you were, I volunteered to go rescue you!” Izetta finished.

“By yourself!?” Finé shouted louder than she’d meant. “You knowingly went alone and took on an entire airship just to save me!? Did you even stop to think of the kind of danger you put yourself in!?”

“I don’t care about the danger!” Izetta replied. “As long as you’re safe, that’s all that matters to me. Besides, I’m not alone. Bianca and some royal troops are waiting for us at a small village near Coenenberg. They’re about 400 kilometers south of here.” 

400 kilos? That’s a long ways off, but they should be able to reach it in about an hour if they keep flying at this pace. Finé held on tight for the long trip, but kept her rifle ready if she needed it.

Meanwhile, Tanya departed from the zeppelin and flew in the direction of the two Eylstadtians. She wore a thick flight jacket that kept her warm in the cold air. Her weapon was a semi-automatic Mondragón rifle that held 10 magic-charged explosive rounds. The child major kept herself flying with an Elinium crystal, which powered the Air Mage gear attached to her left leg. Following Tanya was a flight of three other members of her famed 203rd Battalion, each dressed in equipment identical to her own. Four in total, they raced through the skies in search of the escaped Princess and her rescuer.

Tanya was still shocked by the events just a few minutes ago. “How did this mission get derailed so quickly!? We were so close to the Germanian border, and all of sudden we got ambushed by a witch out of some bedtime story!? Is this another one of Your tricks, Being X?”

Being X. The petty, sanctimonious “god” who forced Tanya into this miserable life as a child soldier. This had to be another one of his harebrained attempts to turn Tanya into a believer. Whoever this “White Witch” thought she was, she was probably nothing more than one of Being X’s deranged pawns. 

“Well, it won’t work!” Tanya hissed mentally. “I won’t be undermined by a couple of superstitious children!” 

“Achtung, Soldaten!” The child Major shouted to her comrades behind. 

<“We’re going on a witch hunt! Princess Finé believes that her friend can save her from us! The witch may have helped her escape, but they’ll never make it back to the capital! We’ll make this rescuer of hers regret that she came to ruin my morning! As for the Princess, she just bumped her execution way up the schedule! I want them both dead and buried in the same grave! Understand!?”>

<“Roger that! Those two won’t escape us!”> Replied Matheus Weiss, Vice Commander of the 203rd.

<“Hell yeah! Let’s burn this witch at the stake!”> Roared 2nd Lieutenant Warren Grantz.

Viktoriya, the only other female besides Tanya, was more cautious. <“Uh, Major? With respect ma’am, our orders are to take the Princess alive–“>

<“Are you questioning my orders, Lieutenant?”> Tanya replied with an icy glare.

<“Eeep! N-no ma’am! Kill them both! Got it!”> Visha squeaked and shut her mouth in fear.

<“Very good.”> Tanya looked ahead with violent determination in her eyes. “Those bitches are gonna pay for making a fool of me!”

Further ahead, Izetta and Finé continued their flight towards Coenenberg. At one point, the blonde Princess turned around and saw four black figures in the distance. The silhouettes came closer with each second, until Finé realized they were being chased by the 203rd Air Mages! “Crap! They’re after us already!?”  

“Izetta, look behind you!” The Witch’s attention was drawn to the four flying Air Mages behind them.

“What the–who are those four?” She asked.

“Tanya Degurechaff and three of her Air Mages. They’re from the airship I was on! The little girl in front is the one in charge.”

That little girl is the leader?” Izetta said in surprise.

“Yeah, but don’t underestimate her–she’s a ruthless psychopath! She probably wants to either take me back to the zeppelin, or kill us both!”

“Either way, we’re not gonna let it happen!” The girls readied themselves for the inevitable fight. 

“How’s your magic? Can you fight here?” The Princess asked while loading her bolt-action rifle. Izetta opened her hand, and a green, pulsating orb appeared just above her palm. 

“Yes! There’s enough magic here for me to work with!” Izetta cheered. 

Finé smiled courageously. “Then let’s show these fascists we’re a lot tougher than we look!” 

The redhead smiled and nodded with similar confidence. They were ready to fight.

Eventually, Tanya and her squadron flew up right behind the two Eylstadtians. The child soldier shouted her orders to her men: “Feinde entdeckt! Lass sie uns in Flammen zu Boden schicken! ANGRIFF!!!”


(Fight pic commission by HypeVoiceActing.)

CHAPTER 4: CAT AND MOUSE

MISSION START

The Air Mages opened fire! Dozens of cyan-colored bullets darted through the sky like a swarm of hornets! Izetta skillfully swung her rifle left and right to dodge the deadly bullets. The magic rounds created tiny explosions so loud and close, the girls were nearly scorched by the puffs of flame and smoke. 

“Don’t fly in a straight line! Try to shake them off!” Finé shouted to Izetta. 

The White Witch swerved downwards to the left to shake off her pursuers. The gravity from flying down gave them a boost in speed, which helped them get some distance. The high wind speeds threatened to blow them both off of their ride. The two Eylstadtians braced themselves as hard as they could to avoid falling off. When they dropped closer to the ground, Izetta repositioned her flying rifle forward.

“Alright! Hold this speed! Gimme a chance to fire back!” Finé said as she took aim with her bolt-action rifle. 

She aimed and fired at Tanya, who was leading the Air Mages from the front. The bullet reached her, only to be harmlessly deflected by a bluish green barrier.

“Ha! A bolt-action rifle? And it doesn’t even fire magic rounds? Pathetic!” Tanya snorted arrogantly.

“Dammit!” Finé scowled in frustration.

“What’s wrong? Did you miss?” Izetta asked.

“No, I hit her. But something got in my bullet’s path! She must have some kind of shield protecting her! Shooting her won’t do any good!”

“In that case, all we can do is outrun them!” Izetta cried with worry. “What do we do now?”

The red-haired witch looked down. They were flying over a vast mountain range with a narrow trench running for miles. The trench was barely wide enough for an aircraft, but more than wide enough for two girls flying on a rifle.

“Hang on! We might get more cover if I take us into that trench!” Izetta shouted. 

Izetta and Finé dove sharply into the rocky crevice, as Tanya and her subordinates continued the chase.

“So, they think flying into that trench will throw us off their trail? What a foolish strategy!” Tanya thought. 

She ordered her men, <“I’ll fly ahead and chase them down! The rest of you stay here! Create a perimeter above so they can’t escape!”>

Tanya flew into the trench after the two Eylstadtians. The pathway was barely thirty feet wide, and covered with pillars and walls of sharp rocks and ice. Even a tiny piloting error could lead to a fatal crash or serious injury. But Tanya was too experienced a pilot to let that stop her. She dodged every obstacle and closed in on her prey.

Izetta also managed to avoid crashing, though with some difficulty. Her passenger Finé looked behind and–to her horror–found Tanya closing in behind them. 

“Oh, no! She’s gaining on us! Izetta, pick up the pace!”

The witch poured more magic into her rifle and sped up, but it failed to shake off their pursuer.

“Hurry up!” Finé cried. “Any closer and she’ll kill us!”

“Any faster and we might crash!” Izetta replied.

The Air Mage charged her artillery spell and fired at them. Blue explosive rounds streaked by and slammed into the trench walls, causing huge splashes of rock and ice around them. Tanya was enjoying this like a cat chasing a canary.

A small piece of ice cut Izetta’s upper arm. She winced and covered her bleeding wound.

“Izetta! Are you okay!?” The Princess shouted.

“I’m okay, it’s just a scratch. She then looked at her hand that was stained red with her blood. That gave her a plan.

“I have an idea! I think I can slow her down!”

Izetta slowed down slightly and dragged her bloody hand along the walls and floor of the trench. When Tanya got close, huge sharp spikes of ice emerged from the wall, nearly impaling her!

“W-what the–!?” She shouted in surprise. 

A whole trail of ice spikes was in front of her, all started by the White Witch. Izetta’s idea worked.

Finé and Izetta smiled. “Nice work! You bought us some more distance!”

Tanya’s shock turned into anger. “Well played, witch. But as long as my men are above, you can’t escape!” 

Meanwhile, Izetta and Finé raced further down the trench. They managed to gain some distance, but they were far from safe. As long as Tanya’s men were hovering above, the two were trapped inside the trench. They could only hope that the exit was close by.

Izetta’s actions had slowed her down considerably, but Tanya maneuvered her way through the ice spikes and resumed the chase. She contacted one of her troops, Visha, via the radio.

<“Lieutenant!”> She barked. <“Fly ahead to see if there’s anything at the end of this trench!”>

<“Roger that!”> The brunette replied. The older girl flew several clicks ahead and scouted the terrain. She found that the trench split into two paths. The left path led towards an exit, while the right led further deep into the ravine. Visha reported what she had found to Tanya.

<“Use your artillery rounds and destroy both paths!”> Tanya ordered the Lieutenant. <“We’ll trap them at the end of this trench!”>

<“Understood!”> Visha charged her rifle with artillery rounds and fired at the fork in the path. Her rounds impacted the ground with explosive force, causing stone and ice to cave in on both sides. The escape route became a dead end.

By the time Izetta and Fine reached the end, it was too late. They were boxed in, with a psychopath chasing them and her lackeys flying above. The two Eylstadtians looked behind with terror as Tanya closed the distance on them.

The Germanian smiled with murderous glee as she charged like a ravenous wolf towards two helpless sheep. She focused her magic on her bayonet, ready to slice the two bitches’ heads from their necks!

Finé closed her eyes and held Izetta tightly as she awaited her death. But the White Witch wouldn’t give up so easily, although she was just as scared. She focused on the distance between herself and Tanya and devised a plan.

“Princess!” Izetta called out.

“What!?” Finé replied with terror in her voice.

“I’ve got a plan! I don’t know if it’ll work, but it’s better than just waiting to die! Do you trust me?”

Finé trusted her friend and suppressed her fear. “Always!” She replied. “What’s your plan?”

“I’m gonna fly straight and try to get behind her!” Izetta instructed. “When I say ‘duck’, lower your head! Okay?”

“Got it!” Said the Princess as she kept a firm grip on her gun.

Izetta prepared herself and charged forward towards Tanya. The move surprised the Germanian, but she was more delighted than scared.

“Well, this is an interesting surprise.” She thought. I suppose even a cornered rat will fight back, but it’s futile!” Tanya raised her magic-charged rifle and prepared to attack.

The two witches closed in like knights in a jousting match. Right before they were within striking range, Izetta cried, “Duck!” Finé lowered her head as Izetta sharply dove underneath Tanya! The Air Mage’s bayonet sliced nothing but air, while Izetta and Fine were safely behind Tanya.

The White Witch made a 180-degree turn and pointed her broomstick-rifle right at Tanya. The Germanian looked back and scowled. “Scheisse!”

Izetta fired! The anti-tank round narrowly missed Tanya and slammed into the canyon wall beside her. 

The impact weakened the canyon wall, causing several pounds of snow and rock to avalanche right onto Tanya! The girl was buried under the huge white heap. Her battalion was alarmed and rushed down to rescue their commander.

Izetta and Finé wasted no time escaping the canyon while Tanya’s men were busy digging her out of the snow. The two Eylstadtians flew away from the mountains and left their pursuers far behind.

Finé thanked Izetta with a kiss on the cheek.


CHAPTER 5: LOST

About fifteen minutes passed. By that point, Izetta and Finé had left the mountains far behind. The Princess constantly looked behind every few minutes to see if they were still being followed. After the fifth look, she was satisfied.

“Are we still being followed?” Izetta asked.

“No, I don’t see anyone behind us.” The Princess replied. 

“Thank God.” Izetta sighed with relief.

Finé gasped when she remembered that Izetta’s upper left arm was still bleeding. “How’s your wound feeling, Izetta?” She asked with concern.

“Oh, this? It’s not so–” The White Witch hissed and grabbed her wound in pain. 

The scratch was only skin deep, but it needed to be treated before it got infected. Finé searched in a side pocket of her parachute and found a small first aid kit with bandages and a bottle of peroxide. The Princess poured the chemical onto a cloth and gently rubbed it on Izetta’s cut. The peroxide burned Izetta’s sensitive skin, but she grinned and bore it. The Princess finished her treatment by wrapping a clean bandage around the treated area.

“There. How do you feel now?” Finé asked.

“Better now. Thanks.” The redhead replied. “Hopefully now we’ll be safe for the rest of this journey.” 

Unfortunately, the Princess wasn’t feeling so optimistic. “I wish I could agree with you, Izetta. But somehow, I don’t think that’s the last we’ll see of that crazy girl or her soldiers. You bought us a lot of time when you trapped her in that ravine, but we can’t afford to let our guard down. The only way for us to be safe is to get to Coenenberg as soon as possible!”

That last statement made Izetta stutter. 

“Um, about that…” the White Witch said nervously. She was unsuccessfully trying to make her next statement sound less unpleasant. 

“I was supposed to follow a very specific route back to Coenenberg. That chase from earlier threw me way off course, and now I have no idea where we are. I don’t even have a map or compass to guide me.”

Finé turned her eyes downcast. “So in other words, we’re lost. Is that what you’re telling me?”

“Basically.” Izetta replied. “And worse, I don’t even know the paths of the ley lines here. Right now I can draw enough magic to keep us flying. But if we stray too far from the lines, we’ll fall to our deaths.”

“If that’s the case, our only choice is to find a place where we can lay low as soon as possible.” Finé said. “Let’s fly low and see what we can find.” Izetta gently lowered her broomstick-rifle beneath the clouds and midway towards the ground. 

The blonde and redhead scanned the surface with their eyes, only to find…..nothing. No villages, no farms, no old churches or abandoned castles. Nothing they could use to take shelter from the Germanian forces. There was nothing surrounding them except several miles of empty green grassland.

“It’s no use. There’s nothing around here for miles.” Izetta sighed, looking defeated.

The Princess was about to give up herself, until she caught something in her peripheral vision. About thirty meters to the right below was a lone railroad that cut a long trail through the verdant plains.

Finé lightly shook Izetta by the shoulder. “Hey! Take a look at those train tracks below!” She asked her and pointed at the object in question.

The White Witch looked in the direction her friend was pointing. “Yeah, I see it. What about it?” Izetta asked.

“Those tracks don’t look very old, so they must have been traveled on recently.” Finé answered. “They could be what we need to find a safe place!”

“But if we follow the tracks, we’d have no idea if they lead to Coenenberg!”

“But we do know that they lead somewhere!” The Princess implored. “There’s a good chance we can find a town or a train station–somewhere where people can help us. If they know that I’m the Princess, they’ll be obligated to offer food and shelter.

That plan made Izetta smile. “That’s a great idea! There might also be a telephone or radio we can use to call the Royal Guard. If we’re lucky, we might even hitch a ride on a train!”

“Precisely!” Finé shouted happily. “By the way, how are you doing on magic? Are we still within the ley lines?”

Izetta checked her palm again. The floating green orb was pulsing as strongly as it did before. The redhead nodded firmly. “Still good!”

“Then full speed ahead, Miss Izetta! Take us in the direction of the train tracks!” Finé puffed her chest and pointed her finger like a pirate ship captain!

“Aye aye, Your Highness!” The White Witch saluted and rocketed her flying rifle in the path pointed for her. 

With any luck, they would be safe and sound by nightfall.


CHAPTER 6: STAY ON MISSION

Meanwhile…

<“Keep digging! We need to get Major Degurechaff out before she suffocates!”> Vice Commander Weiss shouted. He and the other three Air Mages frantically dug into the pile of snow and rocks that fell onto their leader. 

They dug into the snow using handheld trench shovels, while pushing away the rocks with their hands. After a minute of digging, the soldiers placed stick grenades in several parts of the mound and cooked them before getting to a safe distance. The grenades detonated, sending huge chunks of snow, ice, and rock scattering in all directions. At the bottom of the pile lay Tanya, her small body safely shielded from the blast. She lay motionless on the snow, unconscious and still.

Weiss grabbed Tanya out of the crater, hoping she hadn’t asphyxiated from being buried. <“Major? Major! Are you alright!?”>

After a few suspenseful seconds, Tanya inhaled loudly and shot her eyes open. She looked at Weiss’s face above, and the three other Air Mages surrounding them.

<“V–Vice Commander Weiss? Yeah, I’m fine.”> Tanya responded. Despite some mild pain and a chilling body temperature, Tanya was fine. Weiss and her other comrades sighed in relief.

<“Thank God.”> Weiss smiled. <“Happy to see that you’re still with us, Major Degurechaff.”> He turned to his remaining men and shouted. <“Listen up! Everyone fall back to the zeppelin! This mission is aborted!”>

Tanya couldn’t believe what she just heard! <“Aborted!? What are you talking about!?”>

<“With respect, mein Major, the target’s long gone!”> Weiss answered. <“They left this area almost fifteen minutes ago! There’s no prize to win here!”>

Tanya jerked herself out of the ditch and brushed the snow off of her person. She gave her battalion an icy glare that demanded their attention.

<“Is that so, Vice Commander?”> Tanya asked rhetorically. <“Allow me if you will to present a counterargument.”> She said, <“Let’s assume we abort the mission and return to Germania without the Princess. Would any of you be brave enough to stand in the Imperial Palace and explain our failure to the Kaiser?”>

Tanya put on a cutesy face with fake tears and a childish accent. 

<“Sowwy, Mein Kaiser! We had the Pwincess wid us, but this mean girl on a magic fwying bwoomstick took her fwom us!”>

<“Now, how do you think he would take the news?”> Tanya continued in her normal voice. <“That the 203rd Air Mages Battalion–the pride of Germania herself–was so inept that they couldn’t keep one simple-minded girl secure? Our military–no, our entire country would become the laughingstock of Europe! But more importantly, other countries could be inspired to resist us because they’ll interpret our failure as proof of our weakness!>

The child Major raised her voice into a commanding roar. <“Every Germanian soldier who dies in battle will have you to thank! Their blood will be on your hands because your incompetence put them there! Would you be able to sleep at night with a heavy conscience? How long before the guilt drives you so mad that you end it all with a bullet?”>

The Air Mages froze in terrified silence as they imagined the consequences.

<“Really? None of you?”> Tanya asked knowingly. <“Then I suggest we take Option 2: We stay on mission. I don’t care how you do it. I don’t care how long it takes. I don’t care if you have to burn down half of Eylstadt! Find the Princess! Find the Witch! Kill them both!”>

“JAWOHL, MAJOR!” The four Air Mages saluted and shouted. They, along with Tanya, levitated themselves out of the trench and into the sky. <“We’ll split up in five directions and cover 20 kilometers each way! If you get lost, radio me or the zeppelin!”>

Three of them followed their orders and dashed away, but Viktoriya stayed behind. <“Um, Tanya?”>

<“What is it, Lieutenant?”> The blond asked in a gruff voice.

<“T-the last time I saw the Princess, she flew somewhere west of this area.”> She pointed in the general area she saw them go.

<“Well, why didn’t you tell me to begin with?”> Tanya sniped. <“In that case, we’ll cover all areas west of here. You take the southwest while I take the north!”>

The two girls saluted and flew in their separate ways. Tanya braced the cold air in her face and lungs as she flew northwest. She was alone without her backup now. But, somehow, this way felt right to her.

“Those impudent bitches haven’t seen the last of me! I’ll take care of them myself!”


CHAPTER 7: MEMORIES

Meanwhile
Along the railroad tracks

Izetta and Finé had been following the railroad tracks for a little over 30 minutes now. Their flying rifle was hovering only a few feet from the ground. They flew at a safe medium speed in case they would stray too far from the ley lines. Which fortunately, hadn’t happened yet. The Germanians still hadn’t caught up, and had likely given up at this point. At long last, their daring escape had become a peaceful cruise.

Izetta focused on the course and never looked away from the railway below her. Finé however basked in the beautiful sights and sounds of nature. On her left, a long wall of verdant trees and bushes shaded the pathway before her. On her right was a wide, sparkling river whose waters reflected the sky and sun far above. Finé stared at the river almost nostalgically. For some reason, looking at it reminded her of when she and Izetta had first met.

They were both about nine years old at the time. Finé was exploring the forest not far from her palace when her dog Dorte was drawn by a mysterious voice. She followed her dog to a nearby lake, where they found Izetta hovering over the water on a broomstick. Izetta looked at them with surprise and fell to the water as Finé tried to catch her and splashed in with her.

At first, Izetta was embarrassed to let someone see she was a witch. But Finé wasn’t bothered in the least. If anything, she found it fascinating. As a child, she was told that witches were either creatures of folklore, or evil women who served the Devil. But Finé not only believed that the White Witch was real, but that she was a kind woman who used her magic for good. She could tell from the start that Izetta was exactly that.

“You looked so beautiful floating like that!” She told Izetta. “Somebody who can do amazing things like that has to be a good witch!”

Izetta was shocked that someone would say such kind things to her. But it was also the first time she felt truly happy. For years, Izetta and her grandmother survived as lonely wanderers around Eylstadt. Her grandma had warned her never to reveal her powers to anyone, as people tend to fear or hate what they don’t understand. But Finé was the first person who loved Izetta and found her powers beautiful. Their friendship only blossomed ever since. They hung out almost every day, which helped Izetta grow more confident in her ability to control her magic.

But one day, a terrible accident caused a village barn to be burned down. Izetta was surrounded by angry villagers who blamed her for the fire. One farmer tried to attack her with a pitchfork, but Finé dived in and took the blow herself. Wounded and bleeding, Finé used her status as the Princess to vouch for Izetta’s innocence. Ashamed by their actions, the villagers dropped their tools and walked away in silence. Ever since then, Finé would always be there to defend Izetta when she was in trouble.

Which is why it was so strange how Izetta was acting today. She’d never been so…..brave before. Just an hour ago, Izetta took on an entire airship full of soldiers and Germania’s most feared Air Mages just to rescue her best friend! No longer was Izetta the shy, fragile kid who feared her own powers. Now she was every bit the White Witch she was destined to be. 

Finé started to blush the more she thought of it. Something about this was almost romantic. She–the Princess of Eylstadt–being rescued by her knight in shining armor. It was like something out of the fairy tales she read as a kid before bedtime. The Princess hugged her savior tighter and rested her head against her back. Izetta noticed, and started to blush herself. But somehow she was enjoying it, too.

“Hey, Princess?” Izetta asked.

“Yes, Izetta?”

“When this is all over and we get back to the palace, would you maybe want us to go to the pie shop together, like last time?”

“That sounds wonderful, Izetta. I’d love to–”

(Stop Music)

BOOOOM!!!

 

A piece of land exploded just a few feet ahead! Pieces of wood, grass, and steel flew in all directions! Izetta bucked her rifle and braked to a stop. Finé held on tight enough to avoid being thrown off by the momentum. Luckily, neither of them was injured.

“Wh-what the hell was that!?” Izetta cried. “A landmine!?”

“We couldn’t have triggered any if we’re flying! That blast could only have been a shot meant for us!” The Princess frantically searched the skies for the source of the missed shot. Eventually, she noticed Tanya was flying high above, pointing her gun down at them! “It’s Tanya again! She followed us!”

“Again!? That girl seriously doesn’t know when to give up!” Izetta cried.

“I told you she was a psycho! Get us out of here now before she kills us!” Fine reloaded her Kar98k as Izetta zoomed forward like she did before. 

“Here we go again!”


CHAPTER 8: CLOSE CALL

Tanya fired three more artillery shots at the girls far below her. Izetta was barely able to dodge the explosive rounds as they impacted around her. Two of them slammed into the ground, kicking up bits of grass, dirt, and metal, while another one splashed into the river on her right. Neither her nor Finé were hurt aside from some mildly sore eardrums.

Tanya descended down to the ground and closed in behind the target. She was being much more pragmatic this time, keeping a distance of about 15 meters–close enough to shoot at them without passing them. The child soldier smirked and looked down her crosshairs and fired again.

Izetta swerved and jerked all around as the shots whizzed past her. Finé fired back with her bolt-action rifle, but each bullet was easily dodged by Tanya. The arrogant Germanian just smiled at them, which irritated Finé even more.

“This is pathetic.” Tanya thought. “They’re like two rabbits chased by a fox. It’s only a matter of time before they wind up roadkill.” 

“Goddammit, she’s toying with us!” The Princess cried as she locked in another bullet.

“What did you do to piss her off so much?” Izetta asked her.

“It might have something to do with me smashing a teapot in her face!” Finé answered.

“Wait, you did what!?

“Nevermind! She’s gaining on us!”

Izetta focused her magic and accelerated, but it hardly made a difference since Tanya was easily able to match her flying speed. Tanya noticed her rifle was running low. Instead of reloading, she slung the gun over her shoulder and pulled her submachine gun from her flight pouch. Her two fleeing prey up ahead were still doing their best to escape. Suddenly, they heard a noise like rattling metal, followed by the deafening shriek of a train horn!

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!

All three girls looked in shock as a huge train was barreling right towards them! Izetta jerked her broomstick to the right side of the vehicle while Tanya twisted her body to the left. They ended up on opposite sides, narrowly avoiding being splattered like bugs on the front of the train. The windows on either side flashed like pictures on a film reel, as passengers marveled at the sight of three girls flying past them. 

Tanya took aim with her machine gun and fired through the windows, uncaring of the civilians in her way. Izetta ducked below as blazing rounds and bits of glass rained over her and Finé. The girls heard the terrified screams of dying passengers through the shattered windows.

“That heartless bitch!” Izetta roared. “She’s cruel enough to fire through a train full of innocent people!?”

“Civilians mean nothing to her!” Finé replied. “Tanya doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself!” They needed to carry this fight away from more innocent people. Finé looked to her right and pointed to the vast river beside them. “Over there! Take us over the water!” She ordered Izetta.

Izetta banked right and took herself and the Princess over the azure river. Fortunately, Tanya hadn’t noticed they were escaping because the train was in her line of vision. When the last train car cleared, Tanya paused when she noticed her targets were flying to the left downriver. The Air Mage grunted in frustration and resumed her chase.

Before long, the magical dogfight started all over again. Izetta and Finé were several yards ahead with Tanya pursuing them from behind. Tanya sighed as she reloaded her machine gun. She was getting bored of this cat-and-mouse game. The Air Mage opened fire again. Just like before, Izetta dodged and rolled her rifle to avoid the magic rounds that splashed in the water or exploded in mid-air.

They hovered so closely above the river that they left wind trails along the surface. Farther ahead, they passed by a boy and his dog fishing in a wooden rowboat. The dog barked loudly with surprise and the boy fishing almost fell out of the boat in shock. He turned around and was amazed at the beautiful sight of two real witches flying past him.

Of course, the White Witch herself didn’t share the kid’s excitement. For Izetta and her Princess, this was a desperate fight for survival. Tanya closed the gap between them with each second. If she caught up to them, it was all over. 

“This is ridiculous!” Izetta shouted. “We’re not getting anywhere just running away like this!”

“I know! But the problem is I can’t shoot her because of her damn shield!” Finé replied. She knew Izetta was right–simply running away was pointless. There had to be some way to throw Tanya off their tail. After all, they outwitted Tanya when they buried her in that avalanche–

“Wait a minute! That’s it!” Finé thought. “The snow! The shield didn’t protect her then! Maybe it doesn’t work on large objects!”

“Izetta, listen! I’ve got an idea!” The Princess said. “This might sound weird, but it should work: shoot the water a few meters ahead! After that, brake hard and use your magic to make an ice wall!”

“Finé, how’s that even gonna–”

Do it now or we die, Izetta!” 

Izetta aimed her broomstick-rifle at the water and fired. The fast, heavy round splashed in the water like a meteorite, creating a tall pillar of water. Izetta used the recoil of the shot to decelerate and extended her left hand. She channeled her magic into the rising water, freezing it into solid ice. Tanya gasped in shock and horror! She was flying straight to the ice wall, unable to dodge or stop herself. All she could do was raise her arms and brace for the inevitable crash.

SMASH!!!

Tanya crashed through the ice structure like a cannonball! The structure shattered and splintered into thousands of pieces that rained into the water. Tanya’s body fell and skipped across the river until it landed on a sandy shoreline, right next to a boat dock. The Princess laughed and hugged Izetta from behind.

“You were right! Your plan worked flawlessly!” Izetta laughed.

“Only because you pulled it off!” Finé returned! “Nice work, Izetta!”

The duo hovered over the edge of the river, where Tanya crashed. She was unconscious and still, and there was no way to determine if she was alive or dead. Izetta had a gnawing feeling in her stomach.

“Princess, do you think she’s…”

Don’t. Don’t think about that.” Finé replied sternly. “She was trying to kill us. You only did what you had to. Remember that.”

Izetta sighed deeply. “You’re right. The only thing that matters is keeping ourselves alive. Let’s get out of here.” 

The White Witch ascended her rifle high above the river bank. She and the Princess looked down, scanning for the train tracks. They found a right turn in the railway that led through a wide, grassy area. The two girls continued their journey in the direction of the tracks.


CHAPTER 9: PAUL & WALTER

Fifteen minutes later…

“ARF! ARF!”

Tanya was awoken by the obnoxious sound of a dog barking and licking her face. 

“Ugh, what the–get the hell off me!” She pushed away the annoying mutt before cleaning off her face. Tanya always hated dogs. Being covered in one’s saliva and smelly breath was enough to make her shoot it. But before she could, Tanya was met by another sound.

“Hey! You’re finally awake!”

“What?” Tanya looked in the direction of the voice.

The stranger was some bratty kid in fisherman’s clothing who was probably the dog’s owner. The boy looked like he hadn’t washed in days, and had a wide, goofy smile that revealed a missing tooth. A wooden rowboat was tied to the dock right behind him. “Tell me, are you a witch?” The boy inquired.

“What?”

“I said, are you a witch? Me and my dog Walter were fishing on the river when you and another girl flew right above us! Then that big ice thing shot out of the water and you crashed right through it! It was so cool! My name’s Paul, by the way. What’s your name?”

Tanya groaned. After all the fiascos she suffered this morning, the last thing she needed was to deal with some simple-minded bumpkin. Right now, dealing with him was giving her headache, along with the multiple bruises and scars she already got.

“My name is ‘Go Fuck Yourself.’” She answered rudely. “Now leave me alone, kid. I’m busy.”

“Well, Miss Gofuckyourself, I think you’re awesome!” Paul answered, which made Tanya even more annoyed.

“Clearly, this child isn’t old enough to understand sarcasm.” She thought. Tanya decided to ignore him and inspect her equipment. The dog started barking again, as if to alert her to something.

“Hey. Are you okay?” Paul queried. “Your forehead looks like it’s bleeding.”

Tanya drew her fingers across her forehead and noticed she was in fact bleeding. “That explains the headache.” She realized. Yet another annoyance to deal with. Thankfully, her first aid kit had survived the crash. She tied a bandage around her forehead and injected a vial of morphine to relieve the pain. Her rifle was still functional, but her submachine gun was sadly nowhere to be found. Tanya had probably dropped in the river when she crashed.

“Wow! You even have guns!?” Paul asked with excitement. “Are you some kind of soldier-witch?” The boy asked. “My mom told me stories about the White Witch every night! All the amazing powers she had; how they always protect people they love, and–”

“Kid. Listen.” The Germanian halted him as she raised her hand. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m having a very, very bad day right now. And the last thing I need is for someone–specifically you–to make it even worse. So, for the last time, leave me the fuck alone!” She said the last words so intensely that Walter whimpered in fear.

“I’m sorry, Gofuckyourself.” Paul apologized. “Are you having a bad day ‘cuz you lost your friends?”

“My ‘friends’?” Tanya asked back.

“Yeah. Those other two witch girls you were playing with? They were riding some metal thing that looked like a gun.”

That caught Tanya’s attention. “You saw them? You know where they went?” Tanya asked with genuine interest.

“Yeah! I can point the way for you!” Paul said with a smile. Walter barked in agreement.

The Germanian soldier began to smile. Finally, this idiot kid had a use. All Tanya needed to do was work her charm. After all, it shouldn’t be hard to lie to a child.

“Hey! I was actually kidding earlier. My name is actually……‘Helga.’” Tanya felt that was a suitable fake name. “And yes, I actually am looking for the White Witch!” She said with a falsely innocent smile.

Paul dropped his jaw so wide it nearly fell from his mouth. “WOAH!!! You really know the White Witch!?”

“Sure do! We got separated while playing a pretend soldiers game that got really wild. If you could tell me where they went, I’d really appreciate it!”

“Sure! I think I saw them go this way along the train tracks.” Paul pointed to his right, towards the grassy area up ahead. “Uh, but I should warn you.” He said. “There’s monsters over there.”

“Monsters?” Tanya asked, more with curiosity than fear.

“Yeah. Big, rusty, metal monsters from some old war years ago. My dad was a soldier in that war, and he told me never to go there.”

“I see. Don’t worry, it’ll be our secret.” “Helga” said with a wink. “And besides, I’m way stronger than whatever ‘monsters’ are over there! I’ll be just fine!”

“Really? That’s so cool, Miss Helga! I wish I could be as strong and brave as you!”

“Don’t worry, Paul. I’m sure you will someday.” Tanya replied, not that she actually believed that. “Yeah, don’t count on it, dumbass.” The child soldier activated her Elenium crystal and levited from the ground. Paul and Walter marveled as they saw her rise higher than the trees below. The boy happily waved goodbye while his dog barked joyfully.

“Nice to meet you, Miss Helga!” Paul cheered. “I hope you find the White Witch!”

“Nice to meet you too, Paul! Thanks again!” Tanya shouted back before she took off. She headed in the direction of the train tracks pointed to her. When she got to a safe distance, the Air Mage looked back with an impish smile.

“Sucker.” She chuckled. “Tricking that stupid kid was even easier than I–” Tanya’s magic suddenly cut off without warning! She plummeted to the ground like a falling anvil! Tanya’s magic started up again, saving her from a nasty end on the ground. But even then, her magic was behaving like a car engine struggling to start.

“Just what the hell’s the problem this time!?” Tanya snarled. She looked at her Elenium crystal. “Shit! My Elenium crystal! It’s damaged!” The ruby-colored orb had a massive diagonal crack the length of a pencil. As long as her orb was broken like this, Tanya would have a much harder time channeling her magic.

“Just one problem after another.” Tanya groaned internally. She landed herself gently on the grass and pulled a spare crystal from her weapons kit. It was an older model with the same ruby color, but more rectangular. It was far more fragile and prone to failure, but Tanya had no choice but to use it for the time being. She placed the spare crystal on herself and took flight once more.

Farther in the distance, Tanya could see a wide, grassy area of what seemed to be the site of an old battlefield. She could make out a few concrete pillboxes and a few rusted metal husks of what used to be tanks. No doubt the “monsters” that kid Paul had mentioned earlier.

“As good a place to hide as any, I guess.” Tanya thought. Not that it’ll save them for long.”


CHAPTER 10: TANK GRAVEYARD

Meanwhile….

Izetta and Finé had barely cheated death twice in one day. They still continued their flight path along the train tracks for several more miles, but with no town or station in sight. The constant flying and battling was taking a heavy toll on Izetta. The Princess didn’t fail to notice.

“Izetta? Are you okay?” Finé asked with concern. “You look tired. Do you want us to stop flying for a while?”

“N–no, it’s alright, Princess. I can keep going!” Izetta didn’t sound convincing. Her fatigued eyes and tired voice betrayed her. “Who am I kidding?” She admitted. “I do need a rest, or I won’t have enough strength to channel my magic.”

“Then let’s go on foot and find a place to catch our breath.” Finé responded. She looked down to get a view of their current position. 

They happened to fly over the ruins of what seemed like an old battlefield. The area was marked by rolling grassy hills dotted by patches of red poppy flowers. Numerous husks of rusted metal were rotting on the ground, serving as homes for rats and birds. A complex network of trenches was dug into the ground, cutting through the field like a waterless river. Small concrete bunkers were placed in several areas of the trench, no doubt serving as cover for the soldiers who once used them. 

Most of them were too damaged to serve as good shelter, but Finé spotted one that was relatively intact. She and Izetta landed at the mouth of the trench, just a few meters away from the bunker.

The girls walked through the wooden walls of the narrow trench. To their horror, the path ahead them was littered with skeletons of long-dead soldiers. The skeletons were dressed in rotted uniforms of two different armies, and many held old weapons in their arms. No one had bothered to bury these poor men or even search for their bodies. Their corpses were eaten away by rats, worms, and vultures until only their dry bones were left.

Each skeleton laid on the ground in gruesome poses. One had a rifle bayonet violently thrust through its ribcage. Another had a sizable dent in its helmet, which covered bits of its shattered skill. A third one was clutching at its throat with its jaw wide open, as if choking on some toxic gas. Two more sat against the wall with multiple bullet holes in their shirts, and several others had their remains scattered all over in what could only be described as an explosion. More and more soldiers were killed in ways too horrid to imagine.

Izetta and Finé felt like they were walking through a cemetery, except none of the corpses were underground. As they turned a corner on the right side, the girls passed by a strange-looking vehicle.

“What is that?” Izetta asked. “It looks like a tank, but not like the Panzers the Germanians use.”

“It isn’t one of theirs.” Finé replied, as if she knew. “This was one of Thermidor’s tanks during the Great War.”  The Princess looked to her right and pointed in the same direction. “Look! There’s more tanks like it down the valley.”

True to Fine’s word, there were indeed more long-dead tanks piled on the red fields. Some were fully above ground, while others were half-buried in mud. Their metal hulls were scarred, rusted, and overgrown with wildflowers. Dozens of tanks were spread all over the field like metal tombs for the dead crews who once drove them.

“My father and I once passed here on a train.” Finé explained. “He called it the ‘Tank Graveyard.’ Apparently this was the site of an old battle fought during the Great War.”

“What? Eylstadt fought in the Great War!?” Izetta asked with fright.

The Princess nodded solemnly. “Yeah, we did. Eylstadt and Thermidor fought for four long years. Thousands of people on both sides were killed, including those skeletons we just passed.”

Izetta was chilled to her core. What sort of demonic force could drive these men–complete strangers who must have had families and loved ones at home–to kill each other in such a brutal and senseless fashion? 

The duo moved away from the gruesome scene and walked to the back of the concrete pillbox. They went through the doorless entrance into the small, dark building.

The inside had no features except a few more old skeletons and some worn-out machine gun emplacements.  As miserable as the place was, it at least provided some adequate shade and shelter. Izetta and Finé chose a spot as far from the skeletons as possible. They rested their weapons on the floor and sat together with their backs against the wall.

Izetta sat in a fetal position with her arms wrapped around her legs, while the Princess gently hugged her friend’s shoulder from the back. The girls sat quietly for a while, taking comfort in each other’s warmth. After about ten minutes of silence, Izetta finally found the energy to speak up.

“So…..Finé?” The witch said. “You said that Eylstadt fought in the Great War. What exactly was that war, and why did we get involved?”

“I only know what my father taught me.” Finé sighed. “Basically, it was a terrible war fought between all the major powers of Europe. It all began because the former Archduke–my father’s uncle–was murdered by assassins in another country.”

“Oh, my God!” Izetta said in shock. “Someone in your family was killed?”

“Yep.” The Princess said. “Naturally, Eylstadt wanted revenge for my grand-uncle’s death. But going to war with that country also meant going to war with their neighbor, the Volga Empire, because of their shared treaty. It was the same deal between Germania and Eylstadt.”

“Hold on. So you mean that Eylstadt and Germania were once allies?”

“Mm-hmm.” Finé nodded her head. “We were two of the Central Powers that ruled half the continent. Because of our alliance, Germania declared war on Volga to protect Eylstadt. And then Thermidor and Brittania got involved to protect Volga. Pretty soon, the Kingdom of Romulus, the Osman Sultanate, and even the United States of Atlanta got involved.”

“This war was like a giant maelstrom that grew wider and wider, pulling down everything in its reach.”

Finé leaned forward and held her head, as if she was suffering a migraine. Izetta felt like a thunderstorm was brewing inside her own head. The more she learned about this war, the greater her disbelief at the stupidity of it.

“So, all this…..” The White Witch extended her arm, pointing at the ruins surrounding them. “Because one man died? All for a country that has nothing to do with any of ours? It’s stupid! It doesn’t make any sense!”

“War rarely makes sense, Izetta.” Finé replied. “What sense is there in firing cruel weapons at strangers in different uniforms in countries that belong to none of us? It’s sheer madness.”

Izetta paused to let that last sentence sink in before she spoke again. “And you said that Germania and Eylstadt were once allies, right? So why do they want to destroy us now?”

“It’s all because of that bastard Kaiser of theirs.” Finé said with a scoff. “The Central Powers lost the war in 1918. As part of the treaty, Germania was forced to pay the brunt of the war reparations, which ravaged their economy. Kaiser Otto blamed his country’s defeat on us for becoming a neutral nation. He even said that my father secretly conspired with the Allies against Germania.”

“What!? That’s insane!” Izetta spat. “Eylstadt had nothing to do with Germania’s defeat! And even if we did, your father would’ve only acted in our best interests!”

“Of course we had nothing to do with it!” Finé responded. “But it doesn’t matter to them. Those bastards want to bring Germania back to her former glory before the war started. That’s why they kidnapped me. They wanted to bring me to Neu-Berlin to surrender to the Kaiser and let him annex Eylstadt. If I refused, they would have killed me and taken it by force.” 

Finé leaned closer and held her best friend tighter. “Izetta. If you hadn’t saved me, I would be dead, and our kingdom would be lost.”

Suddenly, the storm that raged in Izetta’s mind had parted. She finally understood everything. This was about more than rescuing Finé or protecting Eylstadt. This was about stopping the next war before it begins.

The girls’ conversation was over. A few minutes passed, and they slowly gave into the urge to nap. Izetta went to sleep first, as she closed her eyes and rested her head against her knees. Finé had almost fallen asleep next, before she looked through the bunker’s MG window on her left. She noticed a small, flying object in the sky. The Princess looked harder for a few seconds longer, until she realized in horror what was flying above them.

“Shit!” Finé cried. “Are you kidding me!?” 

Her panicked voice woke Izetta up with a fright. “Princess!? What’s wrong now!?” She demanded.

Finé shushed Izetta and spoke with a whisper. “It’s Tanya! She’s right above us!”

Her again!? I thought she was dead, already! How could she still be following us?” 

“I don’t know. Somehow she survived crashing through that ice wall we made.”

The two girls looked through the window and saw that Tanya was indeed flying several meters above them. The Air Mage was carefully looking over the Tank Graveyard, oblivious to the fact that her targets were cowering in an old bunker. 

“It looks like she doesn’t know we’re here.” Finé said. “Let’s wait here until she moves.”

As hard as she looked, Tanya saw no sign of her two prey. Bored and frustrated, the Germanian continued her search further ahead. Finé gushed a sigh of relief.

“Thank God.” The blonde said. “She hasn’t seen us. We’ll just sit here and hope she’ll go away soon.”

Izetta gave no response. The White Witch picked up her broomstick-rifle and walked out of the bunker.

“Izetta? Izetta!?” Finé called out to her friend and followed her outside. She caught Izetta preparing to go flying without her. “Wait, Izetta! What the hell do you think you’re doing!?”

Izetta looked at her with cold, fearless resolve–the look of a soldier. “I’m going after Tanya.” She growled.

“By yourself!?” Finé protested. “Out of the question! That psycho is too dangerous for you to–”

Princess!” Izetta shouted harder than she intended. Finé was shut up by shock alone. “How much longer can we keep this up? Can we really survive by just running and hiding underground like frightened rabbits? We were lucky the first two times, but we might not get a third! The only way to end this once and for all is to fight!”

“Then let me come with you!” Finé pleaded. “We’ll fight her together! You don’t have to do this on your own!”

Izetta grabbed Finé by the shoulders and looked her dead in the face. “Finé, listen to me! You’re the one Tanya’s after, not me! That bitch is never gonna stop chasing us until either you’re dead or she is! It’s like you said–she needs you because you’re the Princess! You carry the future of our country! Without you, Eylstadt is lost.”

Izetta’s voice started to break. “That’s why I have to go alone, don’t you understand? If one of us should die, it has to be me.”

Tears rose from Izetta’s throat into her eyes. It broke her heart to know that this might be the last time she ever sees her dearest friend. Finé was also about to break down, but she managed to suck in her tears for now.

“Izetta….You’re right.” She nodded, putting on a brave face. “But wait for just a moment.” The Princess went back inside the bunker and retrieved her Kar98k rifle. She gave the weapon and some spare ammo to Izetta and taught her how to load and fire it. She also gave Izetta the parachute she stole from the zeppelin. “If you end up falling, pull the cord on your left shoulder and the chute will open.” She said, “Make sure you’re falling face-down before you open it.”

“Okay!” Izetta grunted. 

“One last thing.” Finé responded. “Tanya’s power–It comes from a crystal. It’s red and orb-shaped, and she wears it on her neck.” The Princess pointed at her own next to illustrate her point. “It allows her to channel the mana stored inside her body.”

“I see. So without that crystal, she’s basically powerless?”

“Exactly! You’ve got to find some way to remove or destroy that crystal!”

“All right! Thank you, Princess. At least now I’ll know how to fight her.”

And with that, Izetta was ready for what was potentially her suicide mission. She got back on her vehicle, with the gun and parachute slung over her back. The White Witch channeled her magic into her broomstick and started to levitate.

The two girls looked into each other’s eyes. They each saw their own sadness and love reflected back to them. This could very well be the last time they ever see each other. Without thinking, Finé pulled Izetta’s face in and kissed her deeply. Izetta was surprised at first, but quickly relaxed and returned the kiss.

(Artwork done by Artlovish)

They held their kiss for a few sweet seconds, until it was finally broken when Izetta lifted herself off the ground. They took one final look at each other.

“I love you, Izetta.” Finé wept. “And I always will.”

“I know, Princess. I know.” Izetta said. “Thank you. And goodbye.”

Izetta rose several stories high above the trenches. The entire length of the Tank Graveyard lay before her eyes. Out in the distance, she saw a tiny speck of a human all the way on the other side. It was her. 

Izetta brushed away her tears and put her soldier’s face back on. It was now or never! She soared across the sky like a rocket, leaving a trail of yellow-green magic behind her. Tanya’s silhouette grew bigger with each second, until her whole body was in perfect view. Izetta put two fingers in her mouth and whistled, grabbing Tanya’s attention. The Germanian soldier turned around and saw her nemesis, the White Witch, closing in on her.

The two magical soldiers halted in place, several hundred feet above the ground. Each woman pointed her rifle at the other, ready to pull the trigger at any moment.


CHAPTER 11: STANDOFF

A few seconds passed, yet not a word was spoken. Izetta and Tanya quietly stared at one another–the former with determination, and the other with hatred.

“So, you’re Tanya.” Izetta spoke first. “After all this, we meet face-to-face.” She took a closer look at the red crystal hanging from Tanya’s collar. It was ruby-colored as Finé described, yet strangely more rectangular than orb-shaped. Maybe this one was a replacement?

“Well, look who it is.” Tanya replied, her voice dripping with barely-contained rage. “The famous White Witch, protector of Eylstadt. Or more accurately, the meddling Saumensch who ruined my perfect morning!”

“I have a name! It’s Izetta!”

“I don’t give a damn who you are!” Tanya spat back. “Do you have any idea of all the setbacks you caused me today!? Allow me to recap…” She said as she counted on her fingers. 

“Within the past three hours, you raided my airship, stole away the Princess, buried me under an avalanche, crashed me through a wall of ice, and worst of all, you caused me to get licked by a filthy mutt! Oh, and this head wound–I have you to thank for that as well!” Tanya pointed her thumb at the blood-soaked bandages wrapped around her forehead.

“That all happened because you wouldn’t leave us alone!” Izetta retorted. “Why do you keep following us!? I was doing everything I could to keep you away!” 

Of course, Tanya didn’t care less. “And why? Was this Being X’s idea? Did He put you up to this? Tell me!”

Izetta looked profoundly confused. “Who’s ‘Being X?’ I have no idea who or what you’re talking about! Nobody told me to do anything! I went on my own to rescue Finé because I love her!”

“Well, isn’t that sweet?” Tanya hissed with obvious sarcasm. “The valiant knight comes to rescue her fair maiden? If you love her so much, then why isn’t she with you? Where the hell is she!?”

“The Royal Guard found us, and Finé went with them.” Izetta lied as best as she could. “I chose to stay behind to stop you! The Princess could be anywhere in Eylstadt. I have no idea where she’s going. It’s just you and me now.”

“Shut up! You’re lying to me–I can tell!” What little composure Tanya had left was breaking. 

Izetta, however, maintained her cool. “If you think I’m lying, then shoot me now.” She dared her nemesis. “But even if you kill me, you’ve already lost!”

Tanya screamed in frustration as she ran her hands through her wild blond hair. Her rifle swung wildly by the sling on her right shoulder. The Air Mage’s face twisted into a demented snarl more befitting of a savage beast than a little girl. She felt like her hands would strangle Izetta’s neck on their own will.

“You absolute BITCH!” Tanya roared at Izetta. “This is all your fault! I was this close–this close–to completing my mission!” She held her index finger and thumb close together with the tips almost touching. “And at the last second, you had to swoop in and fuck it all up for me!”

“Your mission is over, already! Just go home!” Izetta pleaded. “There’s nothing left for you here!”

I will NOT go back to the Kaiser empty-handed!” Tanya’s rage exploded with each word. “His Majesty personally sent me on this assignment! He promised me a promotion high enough to keep me out of frontline duty if I brought the Princess to him! But thanks to you, my chances of that are shot.” Tanya’s eyes suddenly widened, as if she devised a new plan. “…Unless I bring him a substitute!”

“A substitute? What–me!?” Izetta cried in disbelief.

“Yes, you! You’ll make a fine second-place trophy! The Kaiser won’t care if I fail to bring the Princess if I drag your carcass in front of him! I can just see the headlines: ‘EYLSTADTIAN TERRORIST ‘THE WHITE WITCH’ SLAIN BY GERMANIA’S GREATEST AIR MAGE!

“How petty are you!?” The White Witch spat. “What will killing me accomplish!?”

“With you out of the picture, I’ll have both my promotion and my revenge, and the Fatherland will drown Eylstadt in a sea of flames! As for your beloved Princess…” Tanya gave a gleeful, malicious smile. “I’ll have her imprisoned, starved, and tortured for the next year or so. And when I’m bored of her, I’ll burn her alive in front of the entire country! I wonder what the Princess will think when her loyal pet doesn’t come to rescue her? Will she die screaming your name?”

“SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!” Izetta fired a bullet that passed right over Tanya’s head! 

“That was a warning shot! If you ever joke about hurting Finé again, I will kill you!” She cycled the bolt and loaded the next round in her gun.

Tanya was more amused than anything. “Aww, the little white terrier thinks she’s a doberman. How adorable.”

“Listen to yourself! How can you joke about something so horrific!?” Izetta shouted. “Why is a little girl like you even a soldier? Don’t you have a family? A close friend? Someone at home who misses you? Why get yourself involved in all this?”

“I have no family. At least not one that matters.” Tanya answered coldly. “And I have no need for friends. From the day I was born, I’ve had no one but myself to rely on. I lived in a miserable orphanage where you were lucky to reach the age of five. My only escape was by enlisting into the Germanian Army. Ever since I graduated, my life has been nothing but an endless nightmare of war! I don’t even remember the number of men that I killed or the atrocities I committed. But all of the evil I’ve done was for the sole purpose of taking back the peaceful life that was stolen from me.”

“Just because you’ve had a terrible life means you can force it onto others?” Izetta asked. “Not long ago, I walked through the trenches on the hill behind us! Do you know what I saw? Nothing but dead soldiers and ruined tanks, all killed in ways too horrible to imagine! All of those men had friends and loved ones who’ll never see them again! And for what–a stupid war we didn’t even win!?”

Izetta paused for a moment before she spoke again. “Did you ever stop to think what might happen if Eylstadt falls? Would it really end there? Other countries would begin to see Germania as a threat and declare war! Soldiers from all over Europe would die defending their homes, and Germanians like you would die defending yours!”

“It’ll be another Great War, just like the last one!”

 “No, it’ll be much worse than that!” Izetta continued. “There’ll be no real winners, and millions will perish! Eylstadt and Germania will both be destroyed, along with numerous other countries! In the end, you’ll only make a generation of orphans with the same horrible life you had!” Izetta paused and softened her voice. “Please, Tanya, just ask yourself–is this really worth it?

Tanya was actually silent for a moment. She was surprised that Izetta could make such a reasonable argument. The Germanian hovered in place, picturing the possibility of another World War. Izetta gave a slight, yet hopeful smile. Had she gotten through to her nemesis after all? Her smile quickly faded when Tanya gave her answer.

It’s worth it.” Tanya said with a cold-blooded stare. “I’ll admit that you give a compelling argument. But frankly, I don’t give a damn what happens to the world. I’ll drown this whole world in blood if I have to, if it means getting closer to the life that I want! If all of Europe is in flames, I’ll watch down from above laughing as it burns. It’s futile trying to appeal to the humanity of someone who has none left. All I am now is a devil–cold, twisted, and evil.”

Izetta’s heart sank. Her tiny hope was replaced by bitter disappointment. There really was no way to break Tanya’s delusions or greed.

“If you really won’t give this up…” Izetta said. “…Then you’ve left me with no other choice.” Izetta raised her rifle butt against her shoulder and stared down at the sight. “As the White Witch, I cannot allow you to threaten my country any more! For the Princess, for Eylstadt, and for all of Europe, I will stop you! Even if we both have to die!”

Tanya smiled at the challenge. “I admire your courage, witch.” The Germanian said with a scoff. “Unfortunately, a wannabe soldier like you doesn’t stand a chance against a professional! But don’t worry–I’ll make sure your name survives after your death. You’ll be remembered as my greatest victory!” She mirrored Izetta by aiming her Mondragon rifle at her.

The air filled with quiet tension as both women prepared to fire. Whether in fear or excitement, droplets of sweat began to drop down each of their faces. Their fingers twitched against the triggers of their respective weapons. There was no turning back once the first shot was fired.

The White Witch or the Devil of the Rhine?

The future of Eylstadt rested upon whoever wins this dogfight.


CHAPTER 12: THE WITCH AND THE DEVIL

Izetta fired the first shot! Tanya quickly dodged underneath the bullet and returned fire at Izetta, who also avoided the shot by jerking to the right. The two women backed away from each other and began flying in circles like a pair of vultures. They continued trading shots with their rifles, neither scoring a hit on the other. Before long, they both realized that this was a waste of time and ammo. Tanya broke the circle and zoomed in a southward direction as Izetta gave chase. 

As fast as she was, Izetta couldn’t match the speed of the smaller, lighter Air Mage. Using the anti-tank rifle would do no good either as the tremendous recoil would only make her slower. Her Kar98k would have to do for now. Izetta carefully aimed down her iron sights at the shrinking black target several yards ahead. She fired twice, only for both shots to go way off target. The frustrated witch recycled her bolt, only to realize in horror that she’d run out of bullets.

“Shit! Gotta reload!” 

As one would notice by now, a bolt-action rifle was a difficult weapon, and one ill-suited for dogfights. The rifle had only five rounds per clip, and required careful precision to get a kill with. The constant rolling, wheeling, and diving really hindered Izetta’s accuracy. It also didn’t help that Izetta wasn’t a great shot to begin with, since she had little experience with guns. And with only three extra clips of ammo to use, every shot had to count. She opened her rifle’s empty chamber and fished a spare clip from her dress.

But the sly Tanya noticed the break in shooting and fired back. Two furious streaks of blue launched from Tanya’s rifle. Izetta yelped in fear and strafed below the two projectiles. The White Witch managed to keep herself from falling off her ride and loaded her fresh clip into her gun. But before she could shoot, Tanya kept her at bay by shooting more magic-infused bullets at her.

Izetta jerked her rifle left and right, up and down to dodge the deadly blue projectiles. Each bullet that missed her impacted the surface, blasting small, but deep craters in the dirt. The thundering explosions gave Izetta a gruesome idea of what would happen to her if she got hit. 

And unlike Tanya, Izetta had no magic barrier to protect her–all she had was her speed. Her only hope now was to keep her distance and force Tanya to run out of ammo. The exhausting cycle continued, with Izetta dodging more shots and returning fire, only for her shots to miss or clash against Tanya’s shield. Just like before, neither girl was getting anywhere like this.

“Dammit, this isn’t working!” Izetta thought. She decided it was time to change tactics. “Well, if I can’t get to her, I’ll make her come to me!”

The White Witch zoomed several yards high above Tanya, avoiding three more stray shots from the latter. Luckily for Izetta, Tanya was running out of ammo herself. 

The annoyed Air Mage flew after Izetta and charged her bayonet with magic. Izetta angled down with her anti-tank rifle, infusing her own magic into it. The redhead fired a deadly 14mm round straight at her target!

Tanya banked clockwise to avoid the bullet, only for it to glance off of her magic barrier. It wasn’t a direct hit, but the kinetic impact was enough to make Tanya stagger for a bit. Izetta took the chance to aim her Kar98k again.

She fired a round that went through Tanya’s left thigh. The Germanian cried out in pain and held her leg, feeling the warm blood spill into her hands. Tanya looked at her gloves stained red with her own blood. “That bitch!She thought. “She shot me! She actually shot me! How did she get through my shield!?”

Izetta smiled with pride! “I did it! Tanya’s definitely hurt! That means now I can go on the offensive!” The White Witch rushed forward towards Tanya, only for the latter to retreat towards the sky. The Air Mage left a trail of blood from her leg which made it easy for Izetta to keep track of her. The White Witch continued her pursuit, closing the distance to her target with each second.

This was a problem. Tanya’s wound was not only painful–it slowed her down! And she couldn’t rely on her shield anymore since now that bitch Izetta could shoot right through it! Tanya needed to find some other way to throw her off. The Germanian noticed that the sun was just a few degrees to her right. That gave her an idea–one that would solve her problem instantly.

Tanya closed her eyes and flew in the direction of the sun. Izetta followed her, only to be suddenly blinded by the harsh sunlight. She tried to raise a hand to block out the sun, but it was useless. 

Far ahead, Tanya turned around and opened her eyes. She laughed as she saw that her pursuer was too blind to keep moving. The experienced Air Mage used an old dogfighting trick: she placed herself right in front of the sun. And Izetta easily fell for it like the amateur she was! Tanya waved her right arm and opened a holographic targeting computer in front of her.

She immediately locked onto Izetta and prepared her rifle. Tanya uttered a small prayer to magically charge her next bullet. As she chanted, the rifle glowed with an unnatural yellow light that gave off a heat so intense that Izetta even felt it yards away!

Although she was blinded, the White Witch could tell something was wrong. It was a sunny day, but not a particularly hot one. Was the sun getting brighter? “No.” Izetta realized. “It’s not the sun. It’s Tanya! What the hell is she doing up there!?”

With her spell complete, Tanya fired a round that left a blazing white trail! About halfway to Izetta, the bullet split into four white beams of light that all homed in on Izetta!

“Oh, SHIT!” The White Witch sped away right before Tanya’s lasers reached her! Just before she thought she was safe, Izetta looked behind and saw that the projectiles had actually changed course and followed her! 

“Oh, come on! That’s cheating, you bitch!” Izetta swore at Tanya, who was probably too far above to hear her.

Izetta rolled and weaved, climbed and dived in all directions, but they stayed on her tail like a swarm of angry hornets. Tanya laughed with glee as watched the chase play out on her targeting computer. It wouldn’t matter what Izetta tried. In mere moments, she’ll get hit by one of Tanya’s magic missiles, and the explosion will vaporize her from existence! Tanya’s victory was assured!

Izetta needed to get these damn things off her tail, now! She jerked hard to the right to avoid one coming on her left. The missile overshot and passed her. It went a few yards ahead before it slowly curved to the right back on target. Apparently these things don’t have a fast turning speed. Izetta had an idea that would either save her or get her killed. The White Witch exhaled and focused on the missile ahead of her, while the three others closed in from behind.

At the last second, Izetta dove sharply to the ground! The magic missile didn’t have time to change course and collided with one of its brethren. The impact created a huge explosion of flashing white and yellow! The remaining missiles continued chasing Izetta downwards.

The redhead smirked. “Yes! Two down, two to go!”

Tanya couldn’t believe what she just saw! “How the hell did she do that!?” She thought. “No matter–just a fluke. One of the other two missiles will kill her.”

Izetta continued her descent, using gravity to accelerate. As she got close to the ground, she pulled her broomstick-rifle with all her might to slow her fall. She stopped just about ten feet above ground and continued moving forward. One of the missiles failed to turn in time and ended its chase with a meteoric crash. Only one missile left!

The chase brought them to a shallow creek with ancient tanks and fallen trees strewn about. Izetta flew over the debris as the vengeful white missile continued pursuing her. Slowly but surely, Izetta widened the distance between herself and the projectile.

At that moment, Izetta realized something: “Hold on. This thing follows me wherever I go. In other words…I’m in control of it!” The witch smiled as another idea formed in her head. “What if I use this thing to my advantage? And give Tanya a taste of her own medicine!” It was a gamble, sure. But one that could win her this battle!

Izetta curved right along the creek and passed underneath a bridge. She pulled up and rocketed towards the sky, resisting the crushing G-force that pushed down on her. The magic missile followed her, not knowing that it was being led on by its prey. The White Witch looked up, and saw that Tanya hadn’t left her position. Izetta was in a perfect position to ambush her!

Tanya was confused at first, until she realized what her enemy was planning! The panicked Air Mage fired and missed her Mondragon’s last three shots. She threw away her empty rifle and pulled out a Mauser C96 pistol, only to be met with the same result. Izetta was closing in, ready to send Tanya’s own missile back to her!

“Verdammt!” Tanya tried to flee, but the wound in her leg made her too slow to get any distance. She was totally cornered, and Izetta was mere feet away from her! Izetta almost laughed! Her next blow would be the one that ends it! She only had to time it just right.

“Hey, Tanya!” She called out with one hand to her mouth. “Thanks for the ‘gift’, but you can have it back!” 

At the last second, Izetta dove below Tanya, allowing the magic missile to fly right back into its sender! The Germanian had no time to scream, move, or even flinch before she got hit! 

The impact created a deafening white and yellow burst that looked and felt like an exploding star up close. Izetta was barely able to keep herself from falling from the shockwaves that bombarded her. In mere seconds, it was already over. The radiant light vanished, and the air went silent.


CHAPTER 13: FINÉ STRIKES

Izetta opened her eyes and ears and looked above. There was nothing left of Tanya’s last position except a cloud of black smoke where she was blown up. Izetta’s heart nearly stopped. “Did I do it?” She thought with hope. “Is it over? Is she finally gone?” 

She had to be! There’s no way Tanya could have survived such a huge blast! The White Witch flew closer to the source of impact just to be sure. She hovered in place for several seconds, waiting for the smoke to clear. As morbid as it was, she’d hoped that Tanya’s body was vaporized in the explosion.

“Close, but no cigar…..witch!

Izetta couldn’t believe her ears! “What!? You gotta be kidding me!” 

Before she could process that, a bullet grazed against her dress, drawing a bloody scar across her left abdomen. Izetta cried in pain and lost balance. She almost fell, but managed to catch herself on her broomstick, focusing her magic on it for dear life. The witch used one hand to hold on, while pressing the other against the bullet wound in her side. Thankfully it wasn’t fatal, but that didn’t make it less painful.

To Izetta’s shock, Tanya was still alive! Wounded and exhausted, but alive nonetheless. “She survived even that!? What is this girl made of!?” Izetta thought desperately.

In truth, Tanya’s survival was sheer luck. Her magic barrier had projected itself in time, saving her from the brunt of the explosion. She was left with several 2nd degree burns and lacerations around her body. Her flight suit was severely damaged, and her equipment box was coming loose. A streak of blood ran from her forehead down her left eye, forcing her to go half-blind. She weakly aimed her Mauser C96 with one hand.

It was impossible to miss at this range, even in the state Tanya was in. She pointed the pistol right at Izetta’s forehead. The Air Mage stared at her enemy with pure hatred in her one open eye. One last shot, and it was all over.

“Auf Wiedersehen, Saumensch!Tanya’s finger readied itself on the trigger.

Izetta’s luck had run out. She closed her eyes and awaited her death. The sound of Tanya’s pistol would be the last thing she’d ever hear. “I’m so sorry Princess! I’ve failed you!”

Neither of them saw what was coming next.

(Skip to 1:15)

POM-POM-POM-POM!!!

What!?

Out of nowhere, four puffs of smoke just popped right around Tanya! Several more just appeared in the same medium-slow pace as the others! Even when she tried to evade them, more small explosions just followed right behind her!

“What the fuck!? Anti-aircraft fire!?” Tanya thought. “Who’s shooting at me from the ground!?”

Whoever it was, they’d saved Izetta’s life in the nick of time. Somehow, she knew it could only be one person. “Oh, God!” She worried. “Please, Princess! Not you!”

Both girls looked down to see where the AA shells were coming from. Izetta’s fears were confirmed. Far below on the ground, Princess Finé was operating a QF1 Anti-Aircraft Gun, also known as a “Pom-Pom” for its distinct firing noise.

The stationary weapon was controlled by two hand cranks that turned its X and Y axes. The firing button was on the top of the right-hand crank. A large circular crosshair was placed right beside the Pom-Pom’s nose to help the user’s aim. Despite being decades old, the weapon was in remarkably good condition and still had plenty of ammo. It was a good thing Finé found this weapon in time–a half-second too late and she would have lost Izetta forever.

With a furious roar, the Princess kept firing the AA gun at Tanya. The beleaguered Air Mage was forced to retreat as the shells exploded close behind her. One unlucky shot blew a hole in Tanya’s equipment box!

“No, no, no!” Tanya watched helplessly as her ammo, first aid, and damaged crystal plummeted to earth! 

Izetta was in the clear. Biting her lip against the pain, she guided herself slowly and safely to the ground. She dropped to her knees, covering her stinging bullet wound in her side.

“Izetta! Are you okay!?” Finé rushed to Izetta and held her in her arms. She found in horror that Izetta’s hand and the left side of her dress were stained with blood. “Oh, God!” The Princess gasped. “Did Tanya shoot you!?” 

“It–It’s nothing bad, Finé. Just a scratch.” Izetta replied. “I don’t think she hit any of my vitals.” 

Not that it was going to change Finé’s mind. She got the First-Aid kit out of Izetta’s parachute kit and placed some peroxide and bandages on it. She also injected a syrette of morphine into Izetta’s arm to dull the pain. “That should hold at least ‘til we get you to a doctor.” Finé said.

Izetta didn’t respond. 

“Izetta? Izetta, what’s wrong?” Finé shook her friend to get a reaction from her.

“You were right, Princess.” Izetta said in a weak voice. She had a tired, defeated look in her eyes, and the bravado that inspired her to fight was gone.

“What’re you talking about?” The Princess replied.

“You were right. About me going alone to fight Tanya. I’m such an idiot!” Izetta cried, with tears pooling in her eyes. “What the hell was I thinking!? I was arrogant and stupid, and it almost got me killed! I’m so sorry–”

“Izetta, stop it! Stop it!” Finé grabbed Izetta by the shoulders and looked at her in the eyes. “Stop beating yourself up! I saw everything that happened up there. Even though Tanya had all the advantages, you fought hard and brave, and even came close to killing her! She survived because she’s lucky, nothing more!”

Finé softened her voice a bit, but maintained her stern face. “You did nothing wrong, do you understand me?” She said, “You’re not weak, or stupid, or arrogant. You are the White Witch. You have all the magic in Eylstadt, and you have me. All Tanya has is a crystal!”

Izetta focused on that last word. “Crystal…Crystal!” Now it was her turn to grab Finé’s shoulders. 

“That’s it!” Izetta said as her look of defeat vanished. “That’s how we’ll beat her!”

“Huh? What do you mean?” The Princess asked in surprise.

“Tanya’s crystal! I saw her drop it while you were shooting at her! She’s flying using a spare one! If I find the other one, I might do the same thing I did before: I’ll use her own magic against her!” Izetta’s hope and confidence returned, as shown by the smile on her face.

“Now that’s the Izetta I know!” Finé cheered. “If I hold her off, can you go find that crystal?”

“Yes, Your Majesty!” They shared one more kiss, before Izetta got back on her rifle and took off. Finé took her position on the Pom-Pom again. After a few seconds, she noticed Tanya coming back from the right, holding what looked to be a submachine gun. Finé didn’t need to get her attention–Tanya had fully intended to kill her!

“Princess Finé! You’ve gotten in my way for the last time!” Tanya roared. “After I kill you and your precious witch, I swear I’ll bring both of your heads to the Kaiser!”

“Wrong again!” Finé fired back. “You’ll either die here, or you’ll go home a failure with nothing to show for it! Either way, you already lost!”

“But if you still wanna kill me…” Finé primed the next round in her AA gun. “Then come and get me, bitch!”


(Artwork by Alexa Morgan)

Alternate Music:

CHAPTER 14: TRENCH WARFARE

Finé fired another salvo of AA shells from her weapon! Tanya dodged to the right and fired back with her machine gun. The weapon in question was a bizarre-looking weapon called a Villar-Perosa.

A prototype SMG designed for dogfighting, Tanya scavenged it from a fallen airplane she found. The Villar-Persoa was double-barreled and had two tall magazines that were loaded from the top. The weapon had a high rate of fire, but terrible accuracy. This meant that the only reliable way to get a hit was up close–something that was extra difficult with the constant explosions around Tanya.

Of course, Finé hardly had an easier time herself. While the Pom-Pom was powerful, it was clumsy to aim and the shells were slow-moving. The AA gun was designed to shoot down airplanes, not a fast, small child like Tanya. On top of that, the fact that it was a stationary weapon meant that Finé couldn’t run for cover while using it. Her only hope was to keep Tanya at bay for as long as she could.

Fortunately, it was working. The constant exploding shells surrounding Tanya made it damn near impossible for her to get close. All she could do was hold back and wait for a break in the firing.

Finé’s Pom-Pom fired a few more shots until suddenly–it stopped! The weapon made a metallic hissing sound, and the barrel was red-hot like a heated stove. 

“What the–!? Dammit, what happened!?” Finé shouted. 

She found out too late that the Pom-Pom had one more flaw: once overheated, the weapon would shut down for a few seconds, leaving the user vulnerable. Obviously, this was the last thing she needed! “Shit!” The Princess cursed. “This is no time for you to quit on me!” 

Sticking around wasn’t an option! Finé needed to run before Tanya closed in on her! The Princess climbed over the wall and sprinted towards the trench a few yards ahead. Tanya saw her chance and followed the Princess from above. The Air Mage sprayed a storm of burning lead at the Princess. 

Finé shrieked and covered her head as the bullets dotted the ground around her feet. By some miracle, she didn’t get hit. Finé performed a slide like a baseball player and landed safely into the trench.

The Princess took a few seconds to catch her breath. Her lungs and heart felt like they were about to explode. At least now she was in a place that offered some concealment. The trench was nine feet deep and had plenty of underground bunkers to hide in. As long as Finé kept moving, she was okay.

As for Tanya, she was irritated! “Useless gun! What idiot designed this piece of shit!?” 

She tossed the Villar-Perosa away and scanned the ground for her target. Not only was she out of ammo, but now she had to waste her time playing hide-and-seek! Worst of all, her spare crystal was reaching its breaking point. And if she lost that, Tanya was finished.

“One problem at a time.” Tanya spoke to herself. She lowered herself to the ground, only to feel a sharp pain in her left leg when she landed. “That’s right–the White Witch shot me!” Tanya remembered. 

She wrapped some bandages around her bleeding leg and took morphine to kill the pain. Tanya looked to her right and noticed fresh footprints leading further down the trench. She followed the footprints while taking a mud-stained Chauchat machine gun from a dead soldier.

Farther ahead, Finé turned a corner to the left and ran into a bunker dug into the wall. She hid inside the dark space and used the moment to rest. She quickly took off her dirty boots after realizing that they were leaving footprints. But going barefoot was pointless if she didn’t have a plan.

“All this running isn’t gonna keep me alive forever.” The Princess thought. “I need weapons!”

Finé remembered the Luger pistol she stole from Tanya earlier. She took it out of her dress and inspected the magazine. A Luger P08 only held eight rounds, which wouldn’t do Finé much good. She needed something bigger that had more ammo. Her right foot tapped a long box right next to her. Finé opened the box, finding a strange machine gun she’d never seen before.

Finé held the gun in both hands, wondering just what the hell she’d picked up. It was actually a Maschinenpistole 18, a submachine gun used by Germanian troops during the Great War. It was fully automatic with a 32-round snail magazine, making it excellent for use in trench combat. After a few seconds, Finé figured out how to load and chamber the MP18, and she took an extra magazine just in case.

Now she was ready to fight! Finé ran out of the bunker and took cover behind the corner. She peeked around and saw Tanya approaching from the distance. The Princess looked to her left and noticed a ladder leading to the surface. On the ground above was an abandoned St. Chamond tank that would be perfect for setting a trap. 

“Instead of fighting her up front,” Finé planned, “I’ll ambush her!”

Finé climbed out of the trench and took cover inside the long-dead vehicle. She peeked through the door as Tanya reached her last position. The Germanian’s back was turned, which meant she was wide open! Finé opened fire with her MP18! The rapid-firing bullets were blocked by Tanya’s barrier, which was actually getting weaker.

The frustrated Tanya turned around and fired back with her Chauchat. Finé went back into cover as the hostile bullets clashed against the tank’s hull. Tanya took flight and continued firing until her machine gun suddenly went dead!

“Ugh, what is it this time!?” She groaned as she checked the antique weapon. Unfortunately for Tanya, Chauchats were infamous for jamming when exposed to too much dirt and mud. 

“Again with this!? Is it too much to ask to have one working gun!?” Tanya angrily threw away the useless Chauchat. Clearly she wasn’t going to win this with firepower alone.

Finé used her few seconds of time to reload her MP18. She got a lucky break, but how long could she really keep fighting like this!? “I can’t keep this up forever! Has Izetta found that damn crystal yet?”

Izetta was in a red poppy field farther west in the Tank Graveyard. She saw Tanya’s crystal fall out somewhere in this area. Unfortunately for her, this was just about the worst place it could’ve ended up. The small red orb blended in perfectly with the hundreds of tiny flowers surrounding it. Worse than that, the area was surrounded by all sorts of debris and corpses left from the Great War. Finding this thing would be like finding a needle in a field of haystacks–if those haystacks were filled with old guns, bayonets, helmets, and artillery fragments.

“Come on! Come on! Come on!” Izetta said as she dug through the flowers and debris. “Where is that stupid crystal!? If I don’t find it, Finé will die!” She flew between tank after tank, looking as hard as she could to no success. Just when she’d given up hope, Izetta saw something shining in the mud pit behind the last tank. She lowered herself down and saw a gold pendant that was half-buried in mud. Izetta dug out the item, and her heart pounded with joy!

“Yes! Tanya’s crystal! I found it!” Izetta cheered.

Finally, a lucky break! The crystal wasn’t in the best shape–it was slathered in mud, a small bit of the cross was chipped off, and it had a large scratch across its diameter. But it should still at least be in usable condition. Now it was a question of how to use the damn thing. Izetta noticed a pair of silk strands hanging from each side on the back.

“That’s right. Tanya wore this thing like a necklace.” She thought. Izetta tied the loose strands around her neck. The Elenium crystal hung just right between her neck and her sternum. At first, nothing seemed to happen. But after a few seconds, the orb shone with a brilliant crimson energy in reaction to its wearer! Izetta’s body radiated with intense magical energy–first yellow-green, then fiery red! She’d never experienced such a tremendous surge of her magic before!

Izetta cried out like her whole body was on fire! But she was actually smiling. “It hurts so much! But it’s working! It’s working!She thought. Now she had to find a way to put this power to use. Izetta placed her palms on the mud and channeled every ounce of her magic through the surface. Biting her lips, she felt her power connecting to the numerous tanks and debris across the battlefield.

Every second intensified the strain on Izetta’s body, but she never gave up! She poured in more and more of her power until everything within 50 yards glowed with a lime green light! This was working!

“That’s it! Just a little more!” Izetta thought to herself. “Don’t give up now! Come on, Izetta! Come on….White Witch!Against her increasing pain, she kept her beloved Princess and her country in her mind. With a final roar, Izetta gave one last push of her magic deep into the ground! At last, the earth began to rumble and quake. The rusted debris from the Great War lifted free from the grass. Izetta looked up at what she’d done and smiled courageously.

“YES!!! I did it!” She shouted. “This is going to work!”

“Hang on, Princess!”

Back to the trenches.

Finé felt the earth suddenly quake beneath her feet. Had Izetta done it? Did she manage to find Tanya’s crystal? Whatever the case, there was no time to find out. Not while Tanya was still out hunting for her.

The Princess cautiously stepped out of the Saint-Chamond tank holding her MP18. No sign of Tanya, but that didn’t mean Finé could let her guard down. She scanned the area in front of her as she walked. Without warning, something wrapped itself around Finé’s neck, choking her like a snake! Her oxygen was cut off so suddenly that Finé didn’t have time to scream! She dropped her gun and tried to pry off whatever’s choking her, but it was no use.

Tanya’s plan worked perfectly. She hid on the roof of Finé’s tank and just waited to ambush her. She strangled her with a raggedy scarf she took from a dead pilot. Now she could enjoy watching the Princess struggle uselessly as she chokes to death! “How do you like your new scarf, Princess?” Tanya mocked. “You wear it nicely!”

Finé wanted to utter a curse, but it was no good since she couldn’t breathe. She shook and thrashed violently to get Tanya off her back to little success. In her aimless walk, she tripped off the edge of a trench wall and fell into a muddy pit!

They both fell into what looked like a dining or meeting room. The sudden drop had separated the two girls. Finé landed hard on her right arm, though the mud cushioned her fall somewhat. Tanya fell flat on her back, but the scarf was still in her right hand.

Before the Princess had time to stand up, Tanya resumed choking her. Like before, Finé jerked and punched furiously around as she looked for something to get herself free. Right before consciousness faded, Finé remembered the Luger pistol in her dress. She slowly pulled the gun and pointed it right at the edge of Tanya’s left side. She fired, forcing Tanya to release her! 

Finé gasped loudly, relieved that she was able to breathe again! Tanya screamed and held her wound in pain! This was the second time she’d been shot today! Luckily for her, the bullet went through cleanly without hitting any organs. 

Before she could retaliate, Finé grabbed Tanya by the jacket and thrust her against the table behind her! She pistol-whipped Tanya’s face twice and aimed at her head, only for the latter to misdirect the gun and shoot the table instead. With her other hand, Tanya grabbed a butcher knife standing on the table by its blade.

She then headbutted Finé and kicked her away. The Princess fell hard on her back, dropping the Luger as she fell. Dazed and exhausted, Tanya knelt down and thrust the knife downwards into Finé’s face, but the latter caught it just in time. The blade was mere inches away from Finé, and she used all of her strength to push it back. The Princess looked to her right and saw a small handheld shovel sticking out of the ground. With a violent swing, she smacked the shovel right into Tanya’s face and kicked her off!

There was a brief pause in combat. Both girls were on the ground–tired, wounded, and angry. Mud and dirt had stained their clothes and their hair, but they were too lost in the fight to notice. Despite the pain they both felt, Finé and Tanya found the strength to stand ready to fight–Finé with her shovel, Tanya with her knife. Each gave a seething, hateful stare at the other.

“Du wertlose Hure!” Tanya cursed at Finé. “I should’ve killed you on the airship!”

“Something we both should have done!” Finé spat back.

“In any case, there’s still time for one of us to correct our mistake.”

“Are you really gonna throw away your life for this, Tanya!?”

“If I die, I die. But I’ll make sure you die with me!” 

Tanya lunged at Finé, who parried the knife with her shovel. Finé got behind and slashed Tanya’s back with the sharp end of the shovel blade. Tanya cried out before she slashed the knife at Finé’s midsection. The blade cut through her dress, drawing a shallow, but painful cut on the Princess’s stomach. Finé grabbed her belly and blocked a downward strike before countering with another blow at Tanya’s mouth.

As she reeled back, the Air Mage felt something rattle in her mouth. She spat it out, and was shocked to see that she’d lost a tooth! Finé noticed and gave a satisfied smirk, while Tanya just looked even more pissed off.

The fight went on like this. There was no strategy anymore–just pure survival instinct. Finé and Tanya matched each other blow for blow, driven by deep, murderous hatred. The same hatred that drove millions of soldiers of the Great War to kill each other. Either one would die, or they both would.

Finally, both women had reached their breaking points. Finé gave one last tired swing that missed, allowing Tanya to slash at her left side. Hurt and off-balance, Finé was pushed into the dirt and her shovel was kicked out of her hands. Tanya pressed her boot onto the wound she made on Finé’s belly, eliciting an ear-piercing scream of pain from her.

(Stop Music)

The fight was all but over. Finé was too hurt and exhausted to stand up. Tanya looked down on the Princess with an icy stare. “Your pet witch isn’t here to save you this time, Your Majesty.” She said to her. Tanya threw away the knife and grabbed the gun that was used to shoot her earlier. “But don’t worry. Once she’s dead, I’ll bury the two of you together!”

Finé couldn’t fight back. Her only weapons now were her words. “Look at what you’re doing, Tanya!” She cried. “This is exactly how the last war started! One person’s death followed by the deaths of millions! If you kill me, the whole thing starts all over again! Is that what you wanna be known for!? Is that gonna be your legacy!?”

Tanya stomped even harder on Finé’s chest. “I don’t fucking care what happens to the world! I will be remembered as the soldier who brought the Fatherland back to its former glory! Eylstadt will be nothing more than a page in the history books!”

“Do you think…” Finé said with desperate, angry tears. “That Eylstadt will surrender just because I’m dead? They didn’t surrender when my grand-uncle was murdered! All it did was rile them up and make them go to war for revenge! Even if I’m gone, my people will never cower to a bunch of thugs like you!”

“But you are SO! WRONG!” Tanya roared. “Because once I’ve slaughtered you and your little girlfriend, your people will have lost their leadership. Without you, they have no hope.” Tanya knelt down and stared at Finé in her eyes.

“A monster is coming to Eylstadt.” She said, “A monster of blood and iron, bullets and bombs, Panzers and Stukas! And this monster will never stop until it’s consumed every last inch of your pathetic country! If your people try to resist, they’ll end up dead and forgotten.”

“And what happens then?” The Princess asked. “What’ll be left for you to rule when everyone’s dead!?”

Tanya smirked arrogantly. “With your people gone, Germania’s forces will simply take over and repopulate. And I will rule over the new territory that I’ve gained for the Empire. It’s a pity that you won’t be alive to see it, Princess! As for the White Witch, I’ll have her imprisoned and executed like the terrorist she is.” Tanya checked the pistol and pointed it at Finé’s head. “Die Legende der Weißen Hexe stirbt heute Nacht!”

“IF YOU SHOOT HER, I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!”

A thunderous voice boomed from the skies! It came from directly behind Tanya. She turned around and saw a sight that shocked her to her core. Finé looked in the same way, but with joy and relief instead of terror.

“Izetta…thank God.” Finé whispered.

“The witch!” Tanya shouted. But that alone isn’t what frightened her.

Izetta hovered high above on her broomstick-rifle. Flying beside her on each side was a row of six Saint-Chamond tanks, all suspended by Izetta’s magic. Several dozen machine guns, rifles, grenades, and artillery shells were also with Izetta–all fully armed and ready for action. Izetta glowed with a powerful crimson energy that made her appear like a red star from a distance. The White Witch looked down at Tanya like a goddess of wrath ready to serve divine punishment. And that’s exactly what she was about to do!

“Like I said…” Izetta shouted. “I won’t hesitate to kill anyone who hurts the Princess!”

“IF YOU WANT A WAR, TANYA…I’LL GIVE YOU A WAR!!!”
(Fight pic commission by HypeVoiceActing.)


Alternate Music:

FINAL CHAPTER: TO THE DEATH

“Finé! Get out of there, now!” 

Finé wasted no time heeding Izetta’s warning. She kicked Tanya in the back of the knee before climbing out of the trench and back up to higher ground. The Princess ran a few yards away to a safe distance. “I’m clear! She’s all yours, Izetta!”

With a powerful cry, the White Witch threw her arm forward and threw the massive St. Chamond behind her at Tanya! The ancient vehicle flipped over Izetta and plummeted upside-down! The panicked Tanya flew out of the trench just seconds before she could be crushed under the tank’s roof! 

She hovered in the air with her damaged Elenium crystal, panting heavily in terror. But she wasn’t given any chance to rest when another St. Chamond flew in from her left! The Air Mage dived below as the flying tank soared past her and spun like a frisbee until it crashed into a hill several yards away. Izetta threw down her left arm, and a third tank rocketed down towards Tanya, just missing her by inches. The falling tank crashed nose-first into the one that Finé used for cover just minutes ago.

“Ho–how could–” Tanya couldn’t even think straight, she was so terrified. “She just threw three goddamn tanks like they were softballs!” She looked up at Izetta with fear and confusion, while the latter looked down at her with deep anger and loathing.

“How are you this powerful!? Who…just who the hell are you!?” Tanya shouted.

“I already told you. I am the White Witch, protector of this country and its ruler!” Izetta answered. “And you are not welcome here! No matter what you do now, you cannot win this fight! If you want to live, then this is your last warning: Leave Eylstadt now, and never come back!

“How dare you…” Tanya snarled. “Like hell I’ll be intimidated by a pathetic girl like you! Even if my mission is hopeless, I will go down in glory! To the death! Do you hear me? To the death, witch!

“Good! I was hoping you’d say that!” Izetta thrust her right arm directly at Tanya. She used her magic to aim the dozens of mortars, grenades, and artillery shells surrounding her. “ARTILLERY! STRIKE!”

All at once, the bombs launched themselves at Tanya, who immediately dodged out of the way just before they landed. The combined explosions blew a massive crater that dug out a sizable portion of the trenches.

Tanya flew away towards the east. Izetta was far behind, but this time she was able to catch up to her. They were both several hundred feet above ground, probably because Tanya was counting on Izetta’s bombs not detonating in midair. She would soon learn how wrong she was.

Izetta launched more artillery shells and forced them to explode around Tanya! Each explosive lit up the sky like lethal fireworks! Tanya was violently knocked around as flames and bits of shrapnel pelted her barrier. Each explosion chipped away her magic barrier bit by bit. Tanya managed to reorient herself after the last explosion, but she would be given no time to recover.

Izetta extended her hand for her next attack! She focused her magic into the twenty-or-so machine guns orbiting her: Lewis Guns, Benet-Mercies, MG-08s, and a few Chauchats that were actually functional. Each weapon locked its ammo and pointed itself straight at Tanya!

“MACHINE GUNS! FIRE!” At Izetta’s command, the machine guns roared at once and covered the sky in bullets! Tanya dodged and evaded as best as she could as the bullets flew towards her. She used what little room she had to dive back to the ground. 

Izetta sent some of her MGs to chase Tanya below. In a complete role reversal of before, Tanya was now the one being pursued! The Air Mage swerved side-to-side to avoid getting shot. Tanya couldn’t even fight back now that she was unarmed!

“Not so fun when you’re the one getting shot to pieces, is it!?” Izetta roared.

“Go to hell, witch!” Was all Tanya could think of as a comeback. This fight was getting more desperate by the second. She wasn’t prepared to deal with this sudden surge in power from Izetta! And with all the wounds she’d suffered today, Tanya was almost at her breaking point.

“I’m losing this! Badly!” She thought. “If I don’t turn this around, I’m finished!”

Izetta threw more grenades and shells at Tanya, each one blasting piles of dirt and debris several feet high. The last explosive fell right behind Tanya, throwing her off-balance and tumbling across the ground. She came to a painful stop right in front of a bunker, as Izetta closed in on her.

Gripped with fear, Tanya rose to her feet and limped inside the bunker, closing the heavy metal door behind her. The Germanian nearly tumbled down the stairs into the dark underground armory at the bottom. The ground around Tanya was covered in dozens of skeletons of fallen soldiers, all probably killed by suffocation or poison gas. She took a Madsen light machine gun from one of the dead soldiers and hid next to a set of crates.

Suddenly, a tremendous metallic crash erupted as the entire bunker shook violently. The noise repeated again and again, like a gigantic hammer striking an anvil. Each strike impacted the building like it was caught in a miniature earthquake. Boxes and bunk beds fell to the ground, and a dent in the ceiling began to cave inward. Just what the hell was going on up there!?

Outside, Izetta repeatedly threw her last tank at the bunker, hoping to pierce the ceiling. With each strike, she made a crack into the roof that became wider and wider. With one final thrust, Izetta fully penetrated the tank into the fortress. The damaged vehicle landed nose-first into the floor and nearly crushed Tanya.

The terrified Germanian watched as the tank was magically lifted out of the hole in the ceiling it just made. Izetta was high above, seeing her target cowering underground.

“There you are, you coward!” Izetta shouted. “You think you’re safe, hiding down there!?”

“Fuck you!” Tanya fired back with her Madsen MG! 

Izetta flinched and closed her eyes! But strangely, she didn’t feel any bullets pierce her skin. Izetta opened her eyes, and to her surprise, a magic barrier had protected her!

Tanya reacted with a look of shock and anger. “What!? A defense matrix!? How does she–” Before she finished her thought, Izetta bombarded Tanya’s position with dozens of grenades! The small explosives went through the hole in the ceiling, each with enough firepower to blast a small squad of soldiers! Tanya took flight and escaped right before the grenades went off! A thunderous boom and a fiery cloud of red and orange erupted below Tanya, painfully scorching her back with second-degree burns.

The explosion propelled Tanya upwards to Izetta’s height. The two women were roughly 50 feet away from each other, but could still see each other clearly. Izetta was still shrouded in a bright red aura, but something seemed off with her. 

The White Witch clutched her chest like she was suffering a heart attack. She started to groan, writhe, and scream like she was burned by an invisible fire! Izetta’s red aura started to waver–she struggled to maintain her power.

“What the–the witch is in pain?” Tanya thought. “Did she overexert herself?” The Air Mage looked more closely, and noticed that Izetta was wearing her lost Elenium crystal!

“You thieving bitch!” Tanya shouted. “So, that’s why you’ve gotten so powerful! You’re using my own crystal against me!”

“Shit! She figured me out!” Izetta thought in panic!

“But it looks like my magic’s a bit too hot for you to handle.” Tanya taunted. “You look like you’re ready to collapse any minute! All I have to do is outlast you!”

“Dammit. She’s right! I can’t keep this up forever! Still, Tanya’s in just as bad shape as I am. I can’t give up now!” Izetta fought off the pain in her body and regained some amount of control of her magic.

“So you found out my strategy.” Izetta replied. “You’re barely holding on yourself, and I only need one more good hit to finish you!”

“That only matters if you can hit me, witch!” Tanya laughed. She aimed her Madsen at Izetta, who pointed back with her magically-charged weapons. 

“So then, you feel ready to play one more time?”

Izetta estimated that she has about one minute left before she passes out. This was her last chance!

“This is it!” She thought. “It’s now or never! No second chances! I have to end this once and for all!” 

The redhead gripped the handles of her broomstick-rifle tightly. She looked at Tanya with fearless, furious eyes.

Let’s do this!

FINAL ROUND!
FINISH IN SIXTY SECONDS!

1:00

Izetta charged straight in, firing her machine guns at Tanya as she closed the distance. The Air Mage dodged to the side and fired back with her Madsen. The bullets clashed uselessly against Izetta’s shield, adding to Tanya’s frustration. The Air Mage retreated and fired again, only for her rounds to hit absolutely nothing! Because somehow, Izetta vanished from her spot!

“Wait–what!? She can teleport now!?” 

Izetta reappeared and returned fire from below and behind Tanya. The bullets actually penetrated Tanya’s shield this time, giving her shallow, but painful wounds in her arms and legs. The Germanian shot at the Witch again, but to no success. Izetta kept disappearing and reappearing like a ghost every time Tanya fired. This was nothing but a waste of bullets.

How is she doing this!? Why–can’t–I–hit her!?”

0:50

The truth was, Izetta wasn’t teleporting. She was simply using her speed to make it look like she was. From her perspective, Tanya’s gunfire was like watching a slow-moving film. All Izetta had to do was keep this pace and force Tanya to waste all her bullets. Still, Izetta was burning a lot of her energy with this tactic. Not only that, but needed to counterattack soon before Tanya catches on.

She finally found her opening when Tanya’s machine gun clicked empty. “Scheisse!” The desperate Air Mage cursed as she was forced to reload. 

“That’s it! Now’s my chance!” The White Witch “disappeared” thousands of feet above while she prepared her next attack.

“BAYONETS! CUT HER TO PIECES!”

A metal rainstorm of knives and bayonets rained down towards an unsuspecting Tanya!

0:40

Meanwhile, Tanya yanked out the top-loaded magazine out of the Madsen and jammed a fresh clip in. Right after she pulled the charging handle, Tanya screamed in pain when a bayonet sliced through her left hand! She looked at her hand, and was horrified to see three red, bleeding stumps where her pinky, ring, and middle fingers used to be.

Losing her fingers was obviously a huge problem. Not only was it painful, but it meant that Tanya could no longer aim properly! Tanya’s problems were only compounded when more bayonets charged into her. Her barrier couldn’t deflect anything other than bullets, so Tanya was forced to evade. She flew upwards to avoid the flying knives, which curved upwards to chase after her.

Farther above, Izetta waved her arms around like a puppet master, remotely controlling her bayonets with her magic. She laughed a little when she realized, “This is ironic. Isn’t this sort of like what Tanya tried to do to me 20 minutes ago?”

0:30

It was, except Tanya had no way of countering it! The bayonets chasing her were faster and smaller than her magic missiles. And with three of her fingers cut, she was forced to carry her machine gun one-handed. She flew up and down in every direction possible, but couldn’t shake off the bayonets following her. In desperation, the Air Mage even tried shooting down some of them with her Madsen, but it was too heavy and clumsy to aim one-handed. 

Most of the flying knives missed her, but three found their marks. The first one tore through Tanya’s left shoulder. The second slashed a wide scar along her right cheek. The last one stabbed through her chest, right where her liver would be.

Tanya was in so much pain that she couldn’t even scream. She was losing blood rapidly, especially from the wound in her chest. It would only be minutes before she goes into shock and falls into unconsciousness–and thus falls five hundred feet to her death.

Izetta looked down at Tanya–not with anger, but almost with pity. She couldn’t imagine the agony that her nemesis was experiencing right now. But at least she wouldn’t be suffering for long. 

Tanya looked around for any sign of the witch. Through half-closed eyes, she saw a small white speck just several thousand feet above her. Even through semi-consciousness, Tanya’s hatred and fury returned!

“You…I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you if it’s the last thing I do!

0:20

The Air Mage uttered one more prayer to Being X. Her body radiated with a shining, golden light. She rocketed to the sky and made one final charge at Izetta! The White Witch simply stood her ground and fired her last few artillery pieces at her.

With Being X’s power guiding her, Tanya fired her Madsen one-handed and shot down the explosives before they could reach her. 

When her machine gun ran out, she simply dropped it and actually pulled out the knife that stabbed her chest! Of course, doing so only accelerated her blood loss, but she no longer cared. She would die piercing that witch’s black heart with her own blade!

Izetta responded by firing more bullets from her machine guns, which Tanya was able to dodge even in her failing condition. They were only 200 feet apart now! With an animalistic roar, Tanya prepared to give one fatal strike with her knife! Izetta had only one option left. 

She poured her magic into her broomstick-rifle and carefully aimed her shot. If she missed, she would plummet to her death just like Tanya. The White Witch charged her rifle and waited until Tanya was at a close distance.

“Steady….steady….”

150 feet. 100 feet. 75 feet. 50 feet!

“NOW!” Izetta fired a magical anti-tank round! The gigantic bullet obliterated Tanya’s right arm, taking the knife with it! The Germanian’s golden aura vanished, and her magic stopped. Without even screaming, Tanya began to fall, only to be suddenly suspended in the air again.

0:10

They were four miles high in the lower edge of the stratosphere–higher than the tallest mountains in Eylstadt. To anyone on the ground, they might as well have been invisible.

Izetta extended her arm like she was grabbing an  object. She wanted to see if Tanya was still alive. Remarkably, she still was, although just barely. The one-armed Air Mage looked at her with tired, defeated eyes that still burned with hatred.

“It’s over, Tanya. I’m holding you in place with my magic. Even if I let go, you’ve lost so much blood that you’ll die before you hit the ground.”

“You….Damn you, witch.” Tanya hissed with a weak voice. “You can kill me…but you haven’t won! My death will rally the Germanian people to the imperial cause! The Kaiser will burn your pathetic kingdom to ashes! You and your pretty little princess will be dead and forgotten!”

“Are you kidding?” Izetta said with disgust. “Are you fucking kidding me!? Even after all this, you still haven’t learned anything!?” Izetta tightened her grip and squeezed Tanya’s body harder!

“All you understand is violence!” Izetta continued. “You’re just a cruel, hateful girl who doesn’t give a damn about anybody but herself! I don’t care how many men the Kaiser sends to invade us! Even if I’m all alone, I will defend my country and princess to my dying breath! And I’ll die happily knowing that millions of people will live to see a new day! You on the other hand–you’ll die the way you lived: a vile, pathetic loser!”

“If I’m so pathetic, then finish me, witch! Send me to hell! But just know…I’ll be waiting for you down there.” Tanya gave one final angry look at Izetta as she dared her.

“No…You’ll be there all alone!” Izetta lowered her last Lewis Gun beside her. The MG snapped itself right towards Tanya’s position.

“This is for Finé!” Izetta fired the machine gun, its bullets tearing right through Tanya’s vital organs! When the last bullet was spent, Izetta dropped the weapon and raised her last few bayonets.

“This is for Eylstadt!” She thrust her arm forward and pierced her knives into more of Tanya’s body.

“And this…” The White Witch loaded and charged her flying rifle one last time. She charged all the magical energy she had left in this one final shot! 

“This is for YOU!!! Goodbye, Tanya!” The magical AT round exploded from her rifle! The bullet pierced Tanya’s midsection, cutting her in half from the bottom! The impact from the shot also shattered Tanya’s Elenium crystal, creating a chain reaction that even Izetta didn’t expect.

BOOOOOOM!!!

“What the fuck was that!?” Down on the ground, Finé heard a tremendous explosion like a whole ammo depot just blew up! She was taking cover in a bunker while Izetta and Tanya fought. The princess ran outside to see what had happened.

She looked and gasped when she saw a massive ball of fire in the sky! 

“Oh, God, no! Please, Izetta! Please tell me you didn’t blow yourself up!” 

The princess began to cry, thinking that Izetta was dead. But after a few seconds, she saw something appear out of the bottom of the fireball. The figure was too high up to make out, but it was a vaguely humanoid shape that was mostly white. At that moment, Finé knew exactly who it was! With tears in her eyes, Finé cried out her friend’s name. “IZETTAAAAA!!!”

Izetta opened her eyes! She had blacked out for a second or two. The last thing she remembered was a huge boom and a ball of flames at Tanya’s position. Thankfully, Izetta was just far away enough to not get caught in the blast.

When Izetta looked around, she was…upside-down? The sky and earth seemed to have switched places, and Izetta was flying in the latter direction. It only took a half second to realize what was happening.

“Oh, my God! I’m falling!” The White Witch tumbled and rolled wildly through the air as she plummeted! Where was her rifle!? The explosion must have thrown her off of it! What was she going to do now!? She didn’t want to survive everything today just to fall to her death!

Izetta remembered the parachute that Finé gave to her earlier. She calmed herself and rotated herself facedown to the ground. The White Witch extended her arms and legs to control her fall. Finally, she pulled the cord and opened her parachute! The white, mushroom-shaped cloth yanked Izetta’s body upright and slowed her fall to a safe speed.

Izetta gasped loudly, and her heartbeats slowed to a normal pace. Her fast, deadly fall was now slow and graceful. Finé saw the successful deployment, and was ready to cry with joy. She waved her arms wildly and called out Izetta’s name again.

Izetta noticed her and pulled on the parachute’s strings to guide her fall. She passed over trees, tanks, and other debris of the battlefield until she finally landed on the ground. Izetta unclipped her parachute and let it be carried away by the wind. Suddenly, she heard Finé’s voice calling out to her from the left.

“Izetta! Izetta, I’m over here!”

The two girls ran towards each other, arms wide. They hugged and laughed as if they hadn’t met in ten years! They both fell to the ground and assaulted each other with kisses. On the lips, the cheeks, the necks–anywhere they could reach. The girls raised to their knees and hugged each other again.

“Izetta! My beautiful witch, you’re alive! Thank God!” The princess cheered. “You’re amazing!”

“I’m happy that you’re alive too, Princess!” Izetta said. “Nothing makes me happier!”

“And Tanya? What happened to her?” Finé asked. 

Izetta shook her head. “Gone. She’s gone for good.”

She couldn’t be more right. The explosion completely vaporized Tanya’s body. Even her ashes dissipated in the air, and whatever parts of her survived fell to earth in pieces. In short, Tanya was not only dead–she was truly gone.

“Finally. Now we can just worry about getting home.” Finé stood up and helped Izetta up on her feet. But the witch had trouble staying on her feet.

“Sorry! Are you okay?” The princess grabbed Izetta to prevent her from falling.

“I–I think I’m just tired.” Izetta wheezed. “Using the crystal took so much magic out of me. I don’t think I can use it again for a while. So, what do we do now?”

Finé smiled and carried her friend’s arm over her shoulder. “We walk.”

MISSION COMPLETE


EPILOGUE COMING SOON!

Top 12 Toxic Families (Numbers 7 – 4)

Number 7
The Bakers
(Resident Evil 7)

Ray: You ever wonder what it would be like if your whole family was a bunch of slasher-horror villains?

Arkham: Well, the guys over at Capcom had that idea and made it the premise of their 7th installment of Resident Evil. To hammer that point home, guess what the first thing they’re doing is?

Ray: What?

Arkham: Having dinner at the table. And what’s on the menu tonight? A nice, hot plate of human entrails and rotting organs! Oh, with a nice helping of dead animal flesh for that bold, rich flavor! Deeeelicious!

Ray: …’Scuse me for a second. (leaves, slams a bathroom door, then wretches for a few minutes. Comes back.) Sorry about that.

Arkham: By the way, I went to a convention once and played this game with a PlayStation VR headset, so I had the “pleasure” of watching that gross shit in virtual reality!

Ray: Ooof…..that’s rough, buddy. But enough about that horror show. Let’s talk about the lunatics who prepared such a revolting dinner.

Arkham: Jack Baker, the father, is a slasher villain in every sense of the word, coming at you with anything remotely-bladed that he can find–shovels, axes, chainsaws, all so he can skin you like an animal and while laughing like a madman.

Ray: And when he gets significant injuries, his healing factor goes “Berserker of Red” and mutates him into a giant, eyeball-riddled monster. You eventually kill him, but papa is far from the only horror in this house.

Arkham: Marguerite went from a kind, caring mother to a homicidal maniac who laughs like the Wicked Witch of the West at times and looks like something out of “The Exorcist”. She can control a myriad of creepy-crawlies with her mind alone, and has the disgusting habit of preparing home-cooked meals consisting of past victims’ guts. Like Jack, she also stalks Ethan’s wife Mia throughout the mansion. And you get the “pleasure” of experiencing this through the VHS tapes Ethan finds in the house.

Ray: And Lucas, the son of the family, may be the nicest official member, but he’s still clinically-psychopathic, has a regenerative factor that enables him to grow back lost limbs, and has a habit of creating deadly puzzles or hiding vital clues in the necks of beheaded corpses, and he turns into a giant monster, too! Like father, like son.

Arkham: But it’s later revealed that they weren’t always like that and were a perfectly-normal Louisiana family for the longest time. Bizarrely enough, the Dad is not the triggering event that drove the Bakers mad, but an adopted daughter named Eveline, who turned out to be a sentient bio-weapon that could infect and brainwash anything that came in contact with her.

Ray: Eveline wanted a family of her own and used her abilities to deteriorate, physically and mentally, into the monsters that you meet in-game. Their appearance deteriorated until they resembled the series’ worst monsters, and their mental health went into a freefall until they are what you see in-game.

Arkham: Let it be known that kids can be just as fucked as their parents, if not worse. In the last chapters of the game, Eveline starts messing with Ethan’s head, making him see hallucinations of his wife Mia attacking him. When he finally corners Eveline, he injects her with some kind of vaccine designed to counter whatever powers she has. It works, but causes her to mutate violent into…….whatever the living hell THIS is!

Arkham: Seriously, what the fuck is this!? Why the fuck is this!? How the fuck is this!?

Ray: Who, what, when, where–I doubt we’ll ever get any answers from this just from looking at it! More importantly, what’s the boss fight like against it?

Arkham: I can’t say for sure since I never got this far. But from what I saw in the video, you have to constantly shoot at Eveline’s face with the strongest weapons at your disposal, while she constantly swipes at you with her tentacles. This goes on for about three or four minutes, until you come to the brink of death. But at the last minute, a Blue Umbrella squad comes to your rescue and gives you a pistol with anti-BOW rounds. You plug a few of those bad boys into Eve’s ugly mug until she finally kicks it. As she dies, Eveline’s body crumbles into a huge pile of mold.

Ray: Phew! Thank God! I’m usually not one to celebrate a child’s death, but this one’s a definite exception. So how does the game end?

Arkham: Suprisingly happily for a Resident Evil game. Ethan and Mia are safely airlifted out of that shitty swamp mansion while the Blue Umbrella soldiers move in to clean up the rest.  The two would live a peaceful life together and have a baby daughter named Rose, who herself would have her own story later on.

Ray: All’s well that ends well, I guess. At least now we can be glad that this series won’t have any future entries with even more effed-up families.

Ray: (Pauses)…….Shit.

Arkham: You really gotta stop jinxing these, man.

Ray: Yeah. I really do.


Number 6
The Le Domas Family
(Ready or Not)

Arkham: And now we come to the family that inspired this list. I briefly mentioned these fuckjobs in the intro, but now I can discuss them in full detail. Get this, okay? You recently married into this family of rich White people…

Ray: Yeah?

Arkham: Things start off all hunky-dory for a time, there’s even a nice reception party.

Ray: Uh-huh…

Arkham: Then suddenly, your new in-laws give you a box of cards, and you have to pick one to decide which game to play with them.

Ray:…..Okay, that’s fairly weird. Go on.

Arkham: You draw the one that says “Hide and Seek”, and before you know it, everyone’s pulling out guns, axes, and booby-traps, and they all have your name on ‘em!

Ray: I’d say that sounds like the average day at Steel’s household, but to the average guy, that’s as confusing as it is terrifying.

Arkham: This is the fate of someone who marries into the Le Domas family in “Ready or Not”.

Ray: Is the sequel going to be ‘Here I Come’?

Arkham: (Glares) Patrick, take this one, willya?

Arkham: Thank you.

Ray: Hey, they were all thinking it. I just said it.

Arkham: (Sighs) Anyway, let’s go back to the beginning. The Le Domaes were founded generations ago by Victor Le Domas, an avid animal hunter. Victor made a deal with another man, Mr. Le Bail, that the latter would give the Le Domases their wealth if they started their family’s insane ritual.

Ray: But there’s always a catch, isn’t there?

Arkham: Hell yeah, there’s a catch! If the victim draws “Hide and Seek” and they’re not dead by dawn, the entire Le Domas family is wiped out!

Ray: That seems a bit extreme…

Arkham: Know what’s even more effed up? Le Bail, the guy the Le Domases arranged this game with, is actually an anagram for “Belial.” Know what that name means?

Ray: Of course I do. It’s one of the names used for Sata–(stops and realizes what he just said)–Ooooooooh. Oh no…..

Arkham: Oh, yes. This whole farce is literally a SATANIC RITUAL!!! Basically, if the Le Domases fail to capture and sacrifice their victim, the Devil comes and takes all their souls!

Ray: (Horrified beyond measure) That……That’s just…….

Arkham: Deranged? Yeah, it is. But now that we’re on the same page, let’s look at each member of this sick family in detail. There’s a lot of them, but I’ll just point out the ones with the greatest influence on the story.

Arkham: Aunt Helene is more or less the evil matriarch. 30 years ago, her newlywed husband was forced to play their murderous hide-and-seek game. He lost, and ended up dying as a result, even though Helene begged her family not to kill him.

Ray: But if she lost her husband to this madness, she should be more against it than anybody, right?

Arkham: Wrong. She’s the biggest fanatic in the whole family and has no problem with sacrificing people.

Ray: Of freaking course…..

Arkham: While Helene mostly lets her children do the work, she’s perfectly capable of getting her own hands dirty, as shown in the picture above with the axe. Even after her family lost, Helene tried one more time to cut Grace down before she goes bye-bye herself.

Ray: Well, at least she went down…..

Arkham: Don’t say it.

Ray: Swinging!

Arkham: (Facepalms)

Arkham: Tony Le Domas is the Darth Vader to Helene’s Palpatine. He’s the official head of the family and (I guess you could call him) the “warden” of the game. He’s also the father of the groom Alex, and his siblings Daniel and Emilie. But he treat Daniel like a waste of life while clearly favoring Alex and Emilie.

Ray: Parental favoritism. Ruining childhoods one family at a time. And sadly, I’ve watched a lot of anime where that’s happened.

Arkham: Tony is excessively proud of his ancestor’s sadistic history, to the point he only allows his family to use the weapons passed down from previous games. He’s massively arrogant, boasting that he has things under control when in reality he’s just as incompetent as the rest of his family. At the end of the movie, Tony complains to the Devil that he played according to the rules and shouldn’t have to die. Of course, Tony died too.

Ray: Well what did he expect asking for favors from SATAN!?

Arkham: Becky is the “charming” wife and mother of the family. She starts off nice enough, genuinely happy for her son’s marriage and welcoming Grace into the family. She also shows no favoritism to her kids, unlike her husband who only likes Alex and Emilie.

Ray: Well, at least she’s got that going for her.

Arkham: But that’s all the nice things I can say about her. Becky shows her true, ugly colors when the game starts, never once afraid of the thought of killing her new daughter-in-law. She’s surprisingly good with a bow, and was implied to be the one who killed Helene’s husband in the previous later. But thirty years later with no practice, she misses Grace at less than 20 yards. 

Ray: Grace is so lucky that the Le Domases generally suck at murdering people.

Arkham: And that incompetence is what makes Becky the most proactive one in the family. She’s frustrated with her family’s inability to do the one simple thing they’re supposed to do! In the end, Becky gets her skull fatally bashed in by an enraged Grace who shouts, “FUCK YOUR FUCKING FAMILY!”

Ray: (Eyes wide) Damn.

Arkham: Alex is the oldest son, and the lucky new husband of Grace. At first, he seems like an alright guy. He genuinely loves his wife, and constantly objects to her family hunting her down like wolves. He even spends a good amount of screentime handcuffed to a bed and cutting himself free to rescue Grace. 

Ray: So far he sounds like a decent guy. (Pause) So how does he turn out to be a monster?

Arkham: Well, when he was a kid, he was involved in the game 30 years ago that killed Helene’s husband. According to his mom, Alex was the most loyal one to the cult, and even once saw Mr. Le Bail sitting in his chair. Also, Alex is overly possessive of his wife and turns against her when she decides she wants out of their marriage.

Ray: Can you blame her for wanting a divorce since her husband’s entire family is trying to sacrifice her?

Arkham: Know what’s funny? At the end, Grace actually throws her wedding ring back at Alex before he explodes!

Arkham: Daniel is easily the most sympathetic one. He’s the black sheep of the family, mainly because he resents them for their disgusting traditions. When they were kids, Daniel hid his brother Alex in the closet so he wouldn’t witness the victim’s death.

Ray: Nice to know there’s one overall nice guy in the family…did I jinx it again?

Arkham: Uhhhh……yes and no. Daniel lived a pretty rough life. His insane family had messed up his psyche so badly that he turned to drinking just to cope with it. His wife (ironically named “Charity”) married Daniel only for his money, and the two pretty much hate each other’s guts. 

Ray: Angry, cynical husband with drinking problems. Gold-digging wife who resents him. Are we talking about Michael and Amanda again?

Arkham: …..Come to think of it, they do sound similar! Anyway, Daniel gets dragged into the whole hide-and-seek shenanigan with his family. But he’s become so jaded at this point that he just doesn’t care. In fact, when he runs into Grace in the study room, he purposely lets her go! And just for a laugh, he calls his family to the study after she’s gone!

Ray: (As Tony) “You had one job, son! ONE JOB!!!”

Arkham: This does lead to a pretty funny scene in the movie.

Tony: Do you think this is some fucking game!?
Daniel: Yes. Hide-and-seek. Remember?

Arkham: Eventually, Daniel’s conscience catches up with him and he actively tries to help Grace escape. Partly for his brother’s sake, but also because it’s the right thing to do. He even sabotages the ritual that would’ve killed Grace, allowing her to get free.

Ray: (Impressed) Well, good for him for showing some moral courage! 

Arkham: Sadly, being the one good guy in his family ends up being his undoing. He gets shot to death by his greedy bitch wife Charity.

Ray: That’s a shame. Still, better to die a hero than to live long enough to become the villain.

Arkham: Emilie and her husband Fitch are by far the biggest dumbasses in the family. Incompetent, careless, and downright stupid, they’re actually more of a threat to the Le Domases than to Grace! They’re given a shotgun and a crossbow respectively, which neither knows how to use properly. It also really doesn’t help that Emilie is addicted to coke.

Ray: Idiots + Weapons + Drugs = Complete Disaster. Remember that, people.

Arkham: Fitch is a bumbling doofus who spends more time texting on his phone or trying to figure out how his crossbow works. Emilie meanwhile accidentally shoots two maids dead by her sheer clumsiness. She even forgets her damn shotgun numerous times, and when she does have it, she can’t even hit Grace from less than 20 feet away! 

Ray: (unimpressed) There’s purposely undermining your family’s goal, and then there’s just being too stupid to accomplish it.

Arkham: (Spells it out) (I-N)-(C-O-M)-(P-E-T)-(E-N-T). Put ‘em together, what does it spell?

Ray: INCOMPETENT!

Arkham: Finally, we come to Grace. Poor, poor Grace. The innocent lamb dragged to the slaughter. The protagonist and hero, she starts off thinking her marriage to Alex would be the happiest night of her life. 

Ray: But we all know by now that ain’t the case.

Arkham: Which is why I won’t go over the whole sordid story again. Grace caught on quickly though, and realized that her husband’s family is out to get her. Rather than sit on her ass and wait to die, our girl runs, dodges, and fights through every attempt the Le Domases make to kill her. The whole disaster left Grace scarred and bruised, and her wedding dress torn and bloody. But in the end, she survived till the morning and won the hide-and-seek game. What follows is one of the most gruesomely satisfying endings of any movie!

Arkham: (Laughing maniacally)

Ray: Wow! Now THAT’s one hell of a penalty for losing! Can’t say I feel bad for them, though.

Arkham: I wonder how Grace is going to explain all this to the police? “My husband’s psychotic family chased me around the house, trying to murder me and sacrifice me to Satan, because family tradition.”

Ray:……Yeah, somehow I don’t think they’ll buy that.

Arkham: The moral of the story: When you play games with the Devil, you always lose.


Number 5
The Britannian Imperial Family

(Code Geass)

 Ray: If you’re the least bit surprised that these guys made it to this list, then you need your eyes checked.

Arkham: Or…..just watch Code Geass. Seriously, it’s on like every streaming service ever.

Ray: I’ve gone at length about the Britannias before. I ranked Charles as Number 1 on the list of Worst Manga and Anime Dad. His wife Marianne made it to Number 8 on Worst Mothers, and even Lelouch is the second-worst sibling you could ask for right behind Dio Brando himself.

Arkham: The Britannian Royal Family has more betrayals and backstabbings than the Roman Empire. Members will happily screw each other over just to get the slightest bit higher on the social ladder and most of the family itself consists of either cousins or half-siblings because Big Daddy Charles is a notorious womanizer, and it’s often questionable as to how much the mothers truly love their children. Especially if Marianne is anything to go by.

Left to Right: Princes Clovis and Schneizel.

Ray: You have your typical elitists like Clovis and Schneizel, who are your run-of-the-mill snobs. Clovis is uppity as they come, but the rest of his family see him as little more than cannon fodder and it shows–a week passes before ANY kind of funeral ceremony is held in his honor. Schneizel, however, is another story entirely. He’s a pragmatic strategist who will not only taunt his brother into giving up an easy win, he’ll force his own sister to continually launch black-hole nukes that can eliminate countless people and forever change the landscape in one sitting.

“Did you make sure it’s not a crown of thorns this time?”

Arkham: Then you have Cornelia and her younger sister Euphemia, who are actually not as terrible as the rest of their family. Sure, Cornelia is a ruthless warlord with an unhealthy grudge against Elevens (Japanese), but she at least adores her little sister and frequently dotes on her. She even had no problem with Suzaku, a Japanese-born Brittannian, being part of the army because of his competence as a soldier.

Ray: Euphie meanwhile is an absolute angel. She’s a sweet girl who falls in love with Suzaku despite his Japanese heritage, and she even used her powers as Sub-Viceroy to try and establish a safe zone for Elevens where they could live in peace. In fact, she was one of the ONLY members of the Brittanian family who was wanting to change the empire for the better.

Arkham: Before Lelouch came and fucked the whole thing up. But we’ll get to him later.

Guess who’s the older brother?

Ray: V.V. (pronounced “V2”) may look like a kid, but he’s actually Charles’ older brother, gifted with immortality and eternal youth. Bet that’d make things weird for family reunions–your dad’s an old man, but your uncle is a little boy? Awkward…

Arkham: While his “younger” brother Charles publicly ran the Empire, VV worked behind the scenes, gathering research on the power of Geass in order to help his family achieve their ultimate goal to achieve Ragnarok. We’ll get back to that, but oh, boy. It’s a doozy.

“Uh, marrying minors is legal in this country, right?”

Ray: And then there’s Odysseus who is way too comfortable with marrying the 13-year-old Empress of the Chinese Federation. I mean, yeah, it was a political marriage meant to increase Brittania’s power in Asia, but by normal standards it’s extremely creepy and unethical!

The Unholy Trinity.

Arkham: And then you have the BIG motherfuckers of the family: Father, Mother, and Son. Charles, Marianne, and Lelouch. These three are arguably the central characters of Code Geass, as their actions determine most of the major events of the story.

Ray: As I said before, Charles is the Number 1 Worst Anime Dad ever. But to keep things short and avoid going into yet another tirade against him, we’ll just cover the basics. Like we said, he was a huge player and had children numbering in the hundreds, and he could not give a single crap about any of them. He’s willing to manipulate them, brainwash them, wipe their memories, mind-rape them blind and traumatize them for life…and he ENJOYS IT!

Arkham: In his very first appearance, Charles puts his twisted Social Darwinist worldview on full display at Clovis’ state funeral. His ideology that “All men are not created equal” is the foundation on which the whole Britannian Empire stands. It’s also his justification for the Empire’s endless list of war crimes.

Arkham: Hang on…..this reminds me of something.

Gundam fans should find this disturbingly familiar.

Ray: Huh? Who’s the guy on the right?

Arkham: Oh, don’t worry. We’ll get to him later. Just know right now that he’s a hundred times worse than Emperor Charles.

Ray: (Sarcastically) Oh, I can’t wait! Anyway, back to my earlier point. Charles brings his warped ideals home by regularly turning his children against each other while he sits back with a bag of popcorn and just watches! He shows absolutely zero regard for his youngest daughter Nunally, who was left blind and crippled after his wife’s supposed murder.

Arkham: Lelouch was so disgusted at his father’s callousness towards Nunally that he rejected his claim to the throne.

Arkham: I mean, geez! Imagine being nine years old and hearing your father say all that! Sure, it’s partially because Charles knew the whole time that his wife wasn’t really dead, but Lelouch had no way of knowing that! And it still doesn’t change the fact that his sister is blind and paraplegic!

Ray: Speaking of Marianne, she’s no better than her husband. She exhibits similar levels of sadism, but she also works in cahoots with Chuck. She also manipulates people through her Geass power so that they do exactly what she and Charles want them to do. Just like her husband, she also viewed her children as mere possessions with no humanity.

Arkham: Remember when Marianne was murdered early on in the story? Turns out it was planned by both herself and Charles to allow Marianne to manipulate her kids behind the scenes, while her husband rules Britannia and conducts his Thought Elevator project in secret.

Ray: Which is a whole other can of worms on its own. And finally, there’s Lelouch. He may be the protagonist, but he is ANYTHING but a hero.

Arkham: I should point out that just because Lelouch is on this list doesn’t mean I hate him as a character. In fact, he’s one of my favorite anime protagonists. He’s intelligent, ruthless and manipulative, but he’s also morally conflicted about his actions, especially when they lead to innocent people suffering. His own hubris ultimately becomes his downfall at the very end.

Ray: Like I said, he’s a bad guy in a family of worse guys. He screws over his siblings with almost every action he takes, including those that have done nothing and actually treat him nicely (like Euphemia and Nunnally). Granted, some of his siblings had it coming, like Clovis, but he’s frequently shown to be no better than them…and even WORSE in more than one aspect.

Arkham: Something you neglected to point out to seal this deal?

Ray: What?

Arkham: Lelouch brainwashed his own sister–who was no longer blind but still paraplegic–into forking over a nuke button just so he could get a leg-up on Schneizel. And then Lelouch arranged his own murder and forcibly had Nunally become the Empress. This worked out in the end as Nunally turned out to be a wise and just queen, but damn, that’s still a huge dick move to put on his sister.

Ray: Especially since everything he did up to that point was for Nunally’s sake! Oh, and what happened to Charles and Marianne?

Arkham: Let’s just say…..those fuckers got what they deserved.

Ray: And not soon enough it was! Well, at least we can be happy that there isn’t an anime with an even worse royal family.

Arkham:……….

Ray: There is, isn’t there?

Arkham: There is. They’re next on the list.

Ray: Oh, no…..


Number 4
The Zabi Family
(Mobile Suit Gundam)

Arkham: And this is the family in question. I’ve just been WAITING to talk about these psychopaths! If you thought the Mishimas and Brittannias were backstabbing pricks, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

Ray: There’s an old saying that all’s fair in love and war.

Arkham: But the Zabi Family takes the war aspect WAY too far!

Ray: Would you expect any less from, basically, Space Nazis?

Arkham: Well, Mobile Suit Gundam (at least the Universal Century timeline), is basically World War II in Space with giant robots. Anyway, the series takes place in the far future, where mankind has found a new home among the stars in giant, cylindrical Space Colonies.

Ray: At least climate change is now a thing of the past.

Arkham: The colonies are arranged in seven “Sides”, each governed by the ruling government, the Earth Federation. But Side 3, Munzo, wants independence from the Federation, led by the ideals of renowned philosopher Zeon Deikun.

Ray: Okay…..but where do the Zabis fit in all this?

Arkham: The Zabis were a noble family believed to be supporters of Deikun’s cause. They took Deikun’s family in for shelter just as anti-Federation tensions were heating up. But when Deikun was supposed to declare Side 3’s independence, he died of a mysterious heart attack.

And so it begins…

Ray: Man…….talk about bad timing!

Arkham: It’s implied that the Zabis poisoned Deikun’s water and used the public tragedy of his death to gain power, but never confirmed.

(Note: Deikun was under a great deal of stress while preparing his speech, so it’s possible his heart attack was just an accident.)

Ray: Still, if that’s true, it’s pretty despicable to betray someone after offering them shelter!

Arkham: Even more despicable, the Zabis quickly took over Munzo in the wake of Deikun’s death, renaming it as the Principality of Zeon. In other words, they hijacked his name for public sympathy.

Ray:……They named the colony after the person they supposedly killed just to gain power!?

Arkham: Yep. And trust me, we’re just getting started! Under the Zabis, Side 3 quickly transitioned from a peaceful republic to a fascist regime. And what’s the one thing every fascist regime does best?

Sarge: Start a war?

Arkham: While the Federation certainly isn’t blameless either, the Zabis worked all sorts of dirty deals to prepare an invasion of Earth. Such acts include funding the invention of Mobile Suits, attempting to murder rival families, and MASS FREAKING GENOCIDE. 

Ray: Oooooooooh, this can’t be good.

Arkham: Trust me, it’s not. To put it in perspective, the One Year War was heavily inspired by World War II, which resulted in the deaths of 75 million people. The One Year War: 5.9 billion. BILLION. With a “B!” And the Zabis are at fault for much of it!

Ray: Oh. My. God.

Arkham: Exactly. But now that I’ve let that sink in, I can finally talk about the Zabi Family as individuals.

Principal Kobayakawa with sunglasses.

Arkham: Degwin Sodo Zabi is the father and patriarch of the family. He rose to power after Zeon Deikun died, claiming that he named Degwin as the successor of Side 3’s ideals. As a result, Degwin is now basically the “King” of Zeon. However, he’s really little more than a figurehead. Aside from bossing his children around, Degwin doesn’t really do all that much in the bigger picture. In fact, it’s his kids that hold all the real power in Zeon.

Ray: Reminds me of the British Royal Family (no offense to our readers in Britain!)

Arkham: Speaking of Degwin’s offspring, most of them don’t really have a close relationship with him, as they see him more as their boss than their father. Degwin doesn’t show much affection either, and actually resents most of his children for being ruthless, psychopathic war criminals. But he’s very fond of his youngest son Garma for being a genuinely nice and gentle kid. We’ll touch on him later.

Ray: What a shame that such a nice kid ended up with a family of anime Nazis.

Pictured above: Space Hitler

Arkham: (Seething) Gihren. Zabi. If there is a human form for pure evil and tyranny in any Gundam universe, it’s Gihren Zabi. I could write a 52-page essay on what a colossal shitlord he is, and I still wouldn’t be done! He’s not only the most evil and despicable member of the Zabi Family, he’s the low that all other Gundam villains aspire to sink to! His actions alone caused not only the One Year War, but every other major conflict in the Universal Century! 

Ray: I can already tell you have a lot to say about him.

Arkham: Where do I even start!? Right off the bat, Gihren is an opportunist who uses any public tragedy to his advantage, whether he caused it or not. He uses his power as Supreme Commander to twist Zeon Deikun’s Newtype theory to justify a genocidal invasion against Earth. He was also the main sponsor of Dr. Minovsky’s project to make Mobile Suits suitable for war. Over the next decade, Gihren’s power and influence grew to the point that he basically outranked his father and became the true dictator of Zeon. (Inhales deeply) And then……..Operation British happened.

The last sunset Sydney ever saw.

Ray: (Fearfully) W-what’s Operation British? (And why does that image look like “K.T. Event 2.0”?)

Arkham: (Somberly) The first Colony Drop. On January 3, 0079, Gihren ordered the hijacking of a Side 2 space colony. His plan was to drop the colony on Jaburo, the Federation’s secret South American base. The impact would result in a nuclear explosion that would wipe out Jaburo and cripple the Federation’s military power. But as the colony entered the atmosphere, it split up into three pieces. They each missed Jaburo and landed in three separate parts of Earth, with the biggest one hitting Sydney, Australia. The end result? Well…….just watch.

Arkham: You saw that, right? Operation British–which was authorized by Gihren Zabi–resulted in the death of nearly 50% of the world’s population. Let me repeat that:

GIHREN ZABI WIPED OUT HALF THE POPULATION OF EARTH!!!

Ray: (Horrified beyond words) I ju–I-I-I ca–how doe–I thought Charles zi Brittannia’s genocide of Japanese people was disgusting enough, but THIS!? What the hell is going on through that maniac’s head!? What does he get out of this?! WHAT CONVINCED HIM THIS WAS WORTH DOING?!

Arkham: Now you understand the kind of psychopath Gihren is. As you might’ve guessed, the Federation immediately declared war on Zeon, resulting in the One Year War. The conflict devolved into a stalemate that lasted for months. During this time, an arms race began as each side began developing new Mobile Suits in an attempt to tip the war in their favor. More on that later.

Ray: But what does that have to do with Gihren?

Arkham: Nothing directly, but it does affect the rest of his family. Let’s leave Gihren for a bit and start talking about his siblings.

Yes, that is, in fact, a dude.

Arkham: Starting with his youngest brother, Garma. The Purple Prince might look like an arrogant pretty boy (because he kind of is), but he’s not really a bad guy compared to the rest of the Zabis. He joined the Zeon Military Academy at the ripe age of 15 and became the class rep because of his ties to the Zabi Family. Because of this, some other cadets saw Garma as a lazy rich kid who only gets by through nepotism.

Esquire Magazine: “Sexiest Woman Alive”

Ray: Can’t really blame them, considering the celebrity treatment he’s getting.

Arkham: But–academically at least–Garma was a very capable student. He studied very hard and scored higher grades than most of his classmates. But when it comes to being a soldier, he’s……

You have NO idea how long it took me to get this GIF to work!

Arkham:…..Not the best.

Ray: Oooooooouch…

Arkham: Yeah. Brilliant as he is, Garma doesn’t really have the mental or physical toughness it takes to survive in combat. This makes him very insecure and doubtful of his skills as a soldier. It also puts him at odds against Char Aznable, who’s much better in the field than Garma is.

Ray: Ah, the classic brainy nerd vs strong athlete rivalry.

Arkham: You could say that. Garma’s also naive and easily manipulated, and Char takes full advantage of that. He convinces Garma to lead the cadets on a mutiny against a Federation base that ran their academy (Side 3 was still technically a Federation colony). Char led the assault from the front while the good Zabi prince was safely directing artillery from the rear. The revolt was a success and Char and Garma were hailed as heroes for leading it.

Ray: At least Garma finally got to prove himself to his family….But it doesn’t end there, does it?

Arkham: During the One Year War, Garma became a colonel and was put in charge of Zeon’s operations in North America. He turned out a pretty impressive commander, taking nearly the whole continent in just a few months! He also found love with Icelina, the daughter of the mayor of the ruined New York City. Garma even considered retiring from the military in order to spend a happy life with his girl.

Ray: Overall, Garma sounds like a pretty likable guy, at least compared to Gihren….But somehow I don’t think he gets a happy ending.

Arkham: Unfortunately, he doesn’t. Garma reunited with his old war buddy Char, and the two went on a hunt for the Federation’s newest warship, White Base. They tracked the ship down to New York, where it took cover inside the dome of an old stadium. Garma was flying above in a Gaw carrier, while Char did recon on the ground. He found the White Base and gave the coordinates to the Gaw–and Garma’s fate was sealed.

Ray: Wha–WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED!?

Arkham: Char deliberately gave Garma the wrong coordinates, allowing him to get ambushed and shot down by White Base! Rather than go down quietly, Garma decided to go out in glory by attempting a kamikaze attack.

Ray: Better to go out with a roar than a whimper I guess. But why would Char just betray him like that?

Arkham: Because Char is actually Zeon Deikun’s son, Casval. He grew up believing that the Zabis were responsible for his father’s death and was planning his revenge ever since. Screwing over Garma was just the first step. To make it extra tragic, Garma was his father Degwin’s favorite son. He was so devastated to learn about his son’s death he stopped caring about the war or ruling Zeon. 

Ray: Wow……I really should give this anime props for humanizing the villains.

Arkham: A few days later, the other Zabi children held a national funeral for their late brother. How does his big bro Gihren mourn him?…….By basically turning it into a Trump rally for his own power!

Ray: (Disgusted) Tch! Typical dictator.

Arkham: Yeah, no kidding. Gundam isn’t subtle at all when it comes to the Nazi-esque depitctions of its villains. Hell, Gihren’s own father outright compares him to Hitler near the show’s conclusion!

Ray: Figures. He even has a population control plan that pretty much amounts to ethnic cleansing! It’s like he’s trying to become the next Hitler!

Arkham: That’s just the thing–he is! Gihren actually admires fascist dictators like Hitler, and strives to become like him! He believes that democracy only breeds weakness, and that humanity needs a ruthless, authoritatian leader to keep itself alive. He’s a true fascist to his core.

Ray: (Disgusted) He clearly didn’t finish his World War II history class. Gihren doesn’t know that his “hero” lost the war, committed suicide, and brought Germany to years of ruin.

Arkham: Exactly the fate that befell Zeon because of him. But let’s stop talking about Gihren for now and move on to his next brother.

He is one ugly motherfucker.

Arkham: Right off the bat, you get an idea of what kind of man Dozle is: a tough, hard-nosed brute who breaks skulls easier than he brushes his teeth.

Ray: He certainly won’t be winning any prizes for “Most Handsome,” that’s for sure.

Arkham: He is one ugly sonufabitch. But like Garma, he’s also one of the lesser evils of the Zabi Family. Dozle is a proud military man who loves his country and his family, despite how messed up both are. He was appointed the headmaster of the military academy to keep a close eye on Garma and make sure he was safe. That is, until he was held hostage during the student uprising.

That moment when you’re being held up by your future wife.

Arkham: I want you to take a moment to appreciate that a 20-year-old girl is holding a high-ranking Zeon officer at gunpoint by herself! Zenna Mia is MVP.

Ray: She’s got some guts, that’s for sure!

Arkham: Believe it or not, the two got married a few weeks later and had a beautiful baby daughter, Mineva. 

Awwwwwww……

Ray: Aww, that’s sweet! And I’m glad she didn’t inherit her daddy’s looks.

Arkham: Surprisingly, Dozle turned out to be a pretty good family man. He adores his wife and daughter and thinks the world of them, although he sometimes scares Mineva by accident with his gorilla face.

Ray: Compassionate, loving, devoted. Are you sure he wasn’t adopted?

Arkham: Well, if you want to know some of Dozle’s bad traits……he’s a total idiot. While he may be a hardass disciplinarian on the outside, inside he’s really a big kid who desperately wants his older brother’s approval. Remember Operation British?

Ray: (Shudders) How can I not remember that horror show?

Arkham: Well, Dozle shares responsibility for that, too. While his brother Gihren gave the order to drop the colony onto Earth, Dozle was the one who carried it out. When another officer, Ramba Ral, refused to follow the order because of the horrible amount of lives it would take, Dozle gleefully went along with it without even thinking of the consequences! When it finally dawned on Dozle the mass murder he committed, he starts crying like his infant daughter.

Ray: While it doesn’t excuse him from killing billions of people, I’m glad he at least feels remorse for it.

Arkham: Anyway, Dozle was cast as Vice Admiral of Zeon’s space forces during the One Year War. He even fought in the frontlines himself a couple of times in a custom-made Zaku.

SIEG ZEON!!!

Ray: Well, I’ll give him this…..that is one badass picture.

Arkham: Zeon Propaganda FTW. Anyway, Dozle’s most famous moment was during the Battle of Solomon near the end of the war. At this point, the Federation had retaken control of the Earth and forced Zeon back into Space. Weeks passed, and the Zeons were losing more and more ground to the enemy. Solomon was one of their last major strongholds, and of course that was lost to the Feds too (and renamed “Konpei Island.” Stupid name if you ask me).

Ray: More and more this sounds like how the Axis Powers lost World War II.

Arkham: Dozle, who was in charge of Solomon before it was lost, led a desperate battle in an attempt to retake it. He piloted the humongous Mobile Armor, the “Big Zam,” using its devastating firepower to wipe out dozens of Feddie Mobile Suits. It’s here that Dozle arguably gets the best death scene of his family.

Ray: So how does he bite it?

Arkham: Everything goes fine for Dozle until he encounters the RX-78 Gundam, piloted by Federation war hero Amuro Ray. When the Gundam fatally damages the Big Zam, Dozle decides to go down fighting like the proud warrior he is.

กันดั้ม vs Big Zam

Ray: You were right! If there was a way to go out, that would be the one I choose!

Arkham: While it is an awesome death scene, Dozle’s body was sadly never recovered. In Zeta Gundam: A New Translation, it’s still floating motionlessly in Space.

The vision of my nightmares

Ray: (Shudders) How horrible. I’d hate to end up like that.

Arkham: Know what’s funny? Dying in Outer Space is actually one of my deepest fears. But enough about Dozle now. Let’s move on to Kycilia.

Pictured above: Fem!Cobra Commander

Arkham: Kycilia is the only sister of the Zabis. And she’s easily the most petty. She wears that mask because she believes that no commoner is allowed to gaze upon her flawless beauty.

Ray: Ugh…Even Cornelia wasn’t this arrogant.

Arkham: In Gundam: The Origins, she was sent to capture Zeon Deikun’s family after his sudden death. But she instead let them go, not seeing them as much of a threat. This earned her a nasty slap from her older brother, Sasro.

Ray: Now was that really necessary?

Arkham: Don’t worry, he pretty much serves the same role as Clovis. Obviously, Kycilia didn’t take kindly to being slapped by her brother. So how does she retaliate?….BY BLOWING UP HIS FUCKING CAR!!!

Ray: She blows up her brother over a slap!? Talk about disproportionate retribution!

Arkham: Told you she was petty. Then again, nobody really liked Sasro anyway. By the way, this is also how Dozle got his scars. And no, he never suspects his own sister was behind it.

Ray: Idiot.

Arkham: Anyway, Kycilia started making more of an effort to capture or assassinate Deikun’s children, thereby consolidating her family’s power over Zeon. Years later, she learned that Casval was leaving to enlist in the Zeon Military Academy. She planned to blow up the transport he would’ve taken to reach the colony. The plan only failed because Casval thought ahead and used his stepbrother as a decoy.

Ray: Planned assassination aside, it’s really, really low to leave your adoptive brother to die just to throw your would-be killers off your trail.

Arkham: I think we all know by now Char has no problem with betraying his friends. As for Kycilia–as much of a cruel bitch she is, even she has her limits. Her father Degwin was tired of all the bloodshed and destruction and decided to arrange a cease-fire with the Federation. But right before peace negotiations could begin, Der Fuhrer Gihren fired a giant laser cannon called the Solar Ray, wiping out his father and both the Zeon and Federation fleets! Just because he wanted to keep the war going!

Ray: (Shocked and angry) First he drops a colony on Earth, then he Death Star’s his own father!? Just to prolong a war that’s already killed millions of people!? Arkham, does this jackass die, already!?

Arkham: Yes, thankfully enough! And it’s his own sister that does him in! She may have blown up her own brother over a slap, but even she wouldn’t sink so low as to commit patricide. She confronts Gihren while he’s riding high on his perceived victory, and shoots him right in the back of the head!

Arkham: With her dickhead brother dead, Kycilia assumes command of the remaining Zeon forces during the Federation’s raid on A Baoa Qu.

Ray: Good riddance! Although a bullet to the brain is too good for that bastard!

Arkham: How about an RPG instead? Kycilia gets one right in the face courtesy of Char, just as she’s attempting to retreat! What we got is literally the greatest headshot in the history of mankind!

Ray: WOAH!!! A bullet through the back of the head is one thing, but a bazooka rocket to the face!? Gundam is hardcore, man!

Arkham: Now you see why I love this anime so much. Anyway, Kycilia’s death left the remaining Zeons leaderless, allowing the Federation to take A Baoa Qu fairly easily. And thus the One Year War ends, and a peace treaty is signed with the Federation deciding all terms. The Zabi family is all but extinct with the only survivor being Dozle’s daughter Mineva. But unlike the rest of them, she grows up to be a wise, benevolent ruler.

All hail Princess Mineva!

Ray: That’s sad, being the only surviving member of your whole family. Still, good on her for not keeping up her family’s horrible legacy. At least now we won’t have to worry about any more colony drops……..right?

Arkham: (Sighs sadly)

It never ends.

Ray: (Sigh) If there’s one lesson science-fiction has taught me, it’s this: the future SUCKS.

Arkham: Sadly, that often seems to be the case. I guess it’s true what they say in Fallout: War never changes.


Arkham: Okay, okay, okay! We’ve made it to the home stretch, baby! We only have three more entries to go through!

Ray: What horrendous families will we see next, and which of the ones we’ve seen so far was your favorite (or least favorite)? Until next time, everyone! Stay cool!

Special Announcement! Dream Match – Future 2024 Convention Panel

(Opening speech to the panel audience.)

Welcome, and thank you all so much for joining our panel! My name’s Kyan Reynolds, but you can call me Arkham if you like. My partner is a good friend of mine, Avatar Bhola. No, it’s not a nickname, folks. And we brought a third companion with us who’ll act as our neutral judge for this panel.

Now, before we get started, I’d like to ask a few questions. Raise your hands if any of these apply to you.

How many of you love seeing fictional characters beat the crap out of each other?

How many of you are fans of shows like Death Battle, One Minute Melee, DBX, or Smash Bracket?

How many of you read or write your own fight stories in your spare time?

How many of you cheered when the guy you’re rooting for wins, or groaned when they lost?

How many of you wish you could see your fantasy matchup come to life one day?

If you said ‘yes’ to any of these, then you’ve come to the right panel! And if not, then hopefully this will be your first step into the crazy, amazing world that is the Versus Community!

So for today, we have a set of hypothetical matchups set, like you’d see in DB or other shows. And the best part: you get to help us judge!

You, the audience, are going to debate as to who would win each fight. The three of us are going to weigh your arguments and make the final decision. The winning team will be awarded any of the prizes arranged in front of our table.”

This is a new and exciting experience for us, and a chance to share our love of Versus with other people. We ask only that you guys keep your debates rational and civil. And most importantly, just have fun!

Top 12 Most Toxic Families (Numbers 12 – 8)

Number 12
The De Santas
(Grand Theft Auto V)

Arkham: You know you’re in for a hell of a ride when the least messed-up family on this list comes from freaking Grand Theft Auto!

Ray: A game series renowned for vulgarity, crime, drug-trade and carjacking is at the bottom of the list? We are in for a ride, aren’t we? I’m gonna let you take the reins on this one. My familiarity with these games is VERY spotty at least.

Arkham: Don’t mind if I do. While they are the most stable on this list, that really doesn’t say much at all. The whole family consists of a dad who’s a washed-up bank robber just now getting back into crime; a cheating mom who resents her husband; a useless son who embodies every negative gamer stereotype in the book; and a spoiled daughter who wants to become a porn actress.

Ray: Clearly an example of a functional family. What could possibly go wrong?

Arkham: The answer: EVERYTHING.

Michael De Santa: American Asshole.

Arkham: Michael De Santa’s original name was Michael Townley. He lived most of his life in a trailer park with an abusive alcoholic dad who abandoned him before high school. As a teenager, Mike started his life of crime when he committed his first robbery, stealing over $10,000. He would wind up in prison twice by the time he became 20. Nevertheless, he turned out to be a pretty efficient bank robber, and even started a gang with his pals Lester, Trevor, and Brad. 

Arkham: In 2004, Michael cut a deal with the FIB (the GTA version of the FBI) to betray his gang and fake his own death, allowing him and his family to live a luxurious life in Los Santos. BUUUUUT, Mikey was never much of a family man. Between his cheating wife and obnoxious children (we’ll get to them in a bit), his self-loathing issues, and mid-life crises, he’s a pretty pitiable guy.

Ray:……Oh, boy. And this guy’s the protagonist?

Arkham: One of three, anyway. You also play as Franklin and Trevor, and those guys aren’t exactly angels themselves.

Amanda practicing the “cheating skank” pose.

Arkham: (Groans loudly) I hate, hate, HATE this bitch! Amanda De Santa was a stripper who had a longtime affair with Michael. The two got married and moved to Los Santos after Michael’s deal with the FIB. Over the years, Michael and Amanda’s relationship soured to the point that they can no longer stand each other. Mikey tried to bury his woes with booze, hookers, and therapy, while Amanda took up yoga and tennis (while taking some “extra lessons” in bed.)

Ray: What a beautiful, healthy couple they are. But why do you hate Amanda so much?

Arkham: Because aside from being a selfish bitch, she’s a total hypocrite. She berates Michael for robbing banks and hitting nightclubs (which are valid complaints), but she has no problem cheating on her husband and committing petty theft herself. Not only that, but Amanda unintentionally set off the chain of events that led Michael back into crime.

Ray: How in the world did she manage that?

Arkham: She was banging her tennis coach, which made Mike go berserk and demolish the guy’s house. Except, the house was actually owned by a Cartel boss named Martin Madrazo. So now Michael has to pay for all the damages he made to the guy’s house, or else Madrazo will kill him. So basically, Michael is in debt to the Meso-American mob because his wife was sleeping with another man.

Ray: (Unimpressed beyond belief) Wow. That’s just…..incredibly lame.

Arkham: It doesn’t end there, either. Amanda is seen in a later mission getting felt up by her yoga teacher.

Ray: And I thought Peter and Lois Griffin had a hopeless marriage.

What Hollywood thinks that all gamers are.

Arkham: Jimmy is an embarrassment to gamers and millennials everywhere. A spoiled, whiny turd of a son, Jimmy spends most of his days playing first-person shooters while cussing loudly like a 12-year-old playing GTA Online.

Ray: Try “in any online chatroom to begin with” and you’re spot-on. Also, gotta love the image of him flipping off the girl, who I assume is his sister.

Arkham: When he’s not in his room pwning noobs on Righteous Slaughter, Jimmy pulls incredibly stupid stunts that gets himself and others in danger. 

Ray: Dangerous stunts in Grand Theft Auto? Surely, you jest. Like what?

Arkham: For starters, the dipshit tried to sell his dad’s boat to some drug dealers, only to get kidnapped when they decided to steal it instead. Mike and his driver Franklin rescued Jimmy’s dumb ass, but lost the boat.

Ray: I don’t know what’s stupider, the fact that he tried to sell a boat for drug money, or that he tried to sell a boat for drug money!

Arkham: In a much later mission, Jimmy hands Michael a drink that he secretly laced with PCP. Mike gets knocked out, allowing his shitbag son to run off with his car and some of his money.

Ray: What. An. Ass.

Arkham: You said it. Funny thing, one of my favorite scenes in the game is when Mike smashes his son’s TV.

Ray: Much as I don’t like seeing people’s property getting broken, that was really satisfying. Anyway, time to talk about the daughter.

Arkham: (Whining) Do I have to?

Ray: Yes, unfortunately.

America’s Got Talent (but this chick doesn’t).

Arkham: Arguably the most annoying of them all, Tracey is a spoiled, wannabe starlet who wants to get in the shallow, futile existence that is Los Santos fame. One of the first times we see her is when she’s hanging out with some porn producers on an expensive boat. Needless to say, Michael wasn’t too pleased.

Ray: Hey, would you want your underage daughter to start a career as a porn actress?

Arkham: She’s actually 22.

Ray: Oh. Even then…

Arkham: When he tries to steal his daughter back, Mike and Tracy got in a jet ski chase by pissed-off producers.

Ray: With guns!? Are both of Michael’s kids on a mission to put their father in stupidly dangerous situations!?

Arkham: Like you said, it wouldn’t be GTA without stupid, death-defying stunts. And of course, Tracey isn’t grateful, nor does she learn anything. She tries again to become famous by auditioning in Fame or Shame, where she (badly) does a slutty lapdance.

Ray: (Embarrassed facepalm).

Ray: Man, what a miserable prick.

Arkham: You said it. Trevor is a piece of work himself, but he’s right. Los Santos IS full of douchebags! That pathetic loser Lazlow tried to offer another spot on his show for Tracey..….if she blows him.

Ray: Oh, please tell me that didn’t actually happen!

Arkham: Oh, it didn’t. Mikey made sure of that.

Ray: Serves that pervert right. I hope for his sake they have damn good laser tattoo removal in Los Santos.

Arkham: But in the end, Tracey ended up becoming famous after all, by singing a pop song about her daddy issues. And……..she’s actually pretty good at it.

Ray: Third time’s the charm, I guess. I just hope it’s not 15 minutes of fame for her.

Arkham: Overall, the De Santas are the quintessential example of a rich American family–too much money and too little brains. The only reason they’re at Number 12 is because they’re merely dysfunctional, while the rest are either abusive at best, and tyrranical at worse. And they each come out relatively okay at the end.

Ray: A reminder, though–this is the BOTTOM of the list. We’re just warming up, folks.

Arkham: By the way, this is a little off topic, but there’s this fanfiction I read where the main cast of RWBY plays through GTA V. It’s funny as hell, and I really recommend you guys check it out! It’s called Grand Theft RWBY V, and the author’s name is lakero45. It’s even better if you read it while playing a video walkthrough of the game in the background.

Ray: Really? I might have to check it out, then.

Arkham: Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. We got 11 more garbage families to cover.


Number 11
The Higashikata Family

(JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: JoJoLion)

 

Arkham: Sitcom families are generally wacky, over-the-top, and comically dysfunctional. They usually range from mildly quirky to outright abusive, but it’s usually presented in a comedic way for the audience. We were going to put either the Simpsons or the Griffins in this category. But Ray knows of a family that makes both of them look model by comparison!

Ray: And they come from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure of all places! In particular, the Higashikata family from “JoJoLion”. HOO-BOY, brace yourselves, people. THIS family is a real doozy. 

Arkham: The Higashi…..Hisaga…..Shigash….Dammit!

Ray: (Slowly) He-Gosh-Kah-Tahs.

Arkham: Right, thanks! They come from Part 8 of the series, which–according to you, anyway–is one of the weakest arcs.

Ray: Not “one of”, my friend. THE weakest! And that’s not just my opinion. I’m pretty confident that most of the fanbase shares my sentiment.

Arkham: Yeesh. Why’s that the case?

Ray: Well, there’s the convoluted plot, plodding pace, overabundance of aimless plot-points and side-characters, and “what the hell” abilities even on JoJo standards. But its biggest sin lies in its obnoxious, boring, and generally unlikable characters, and a good chunk of them reside in this family.

Arkham: From what I’ve studied, the Higashis (and I’m gonna call them that from now on), are basically what would happen if you take all the worst parts of the Griffins from Family Guy, give them BS superpowers up the ass, and make them a constant nuisance to series protagonist Josuke.

Ray: This isn’t strictly-limited to mildly-annoying the current JoJo (though they do that plentily). Sometimes they will flat-out antagonize him AND impede him in his quest! And that really doesn’t help since Josuke’s a freaking amnesiac! I repeat, he has amnesia, they adopted him as a member of the family and they STILL find some way to screw him over on a regular basis!

Ray: Grandpa Norisuke is constantly keeping secrets even when the greater good is at stake (though his reasons are understandable). His wife Kaato served 15 years in prison for murdering a child that was bullying her son, then turned up to antagonize most of her family, and only did a good deed at the very end of JoJoLion’s run by dealing the killing blow to the big-bad.

Seriously, did these two drink from the Fountain of Youth?

Arkham: Wait, those are the grandparents? Why do they look so young and…..hot?

Ray: It’s the world of JoJo. Some of the cast ages remarkably-well. Look at Joseph, who was well into his sixties in Part 3 or Jotaro, who was over 40 by Part 6.

With that hair and that makeup, I’m not surprised Jobin’s a complete psycho.

Ray: Jobin ranges from self-destructive levels of overly-protective to “obsessive man-child with a thing for stag beetles and bloody revenge murder”. Also, when someone outside the family offers to help his terminally-sick kid? He just decides to try and kill them because (get this) he wants to be the family hero!

Arkham: Sounds about as bad as his choice of wardrobe. Dude dresses like a hermit crab at a Linkin Park concert.

Ray: His wife, Mitsuba, is also extremely careless, irrational, and hopelessly gullible to the point that she’s about as dangerous as a chimpanzee with a flamethrower. Disaster will occur, and it will be awful. Mitsuba was even willing to endanger the life of her unborn child through the use of a magic fruit JUST so she could get perkier breasts.

Arkham: (Smacks forehead) Seriously!? Lady, there’s an easier and legal way to get a boob job! It’s called “SAVING MONEY!!!” Hell, even Mitsy from Shin Chan understood that!

Ray: More recently, she even let her husband smooth-talk her into just letting him try to kill someone…WHO WAS TRYING TO HELP THEIR SICK KID.

Is it me, or does Hato in the middle look like Scarlett Johansson?

Ray: Daiya has the personality of an obsessive middle-schooler addicted to flirting with boys (and I mean addicted in the most concerning way possible). Hato will sleep with any man just to get a leg up even when that man is trying to KILL HER FAMILY not even a day later. And Joshu is just…the WORST.

Arkham: And just how is he worse than a woman who will risk her baby’s life for breast implants? 

Ray: Because he antagonizes his own adopted brother, Josuke, and will throw him under the bus for the stupidest reasons imaginable even on his family’s standards…because they don’t exist and it’s totally him being delusional. He’s also so obsessed with getting laid that he would grope his own long-lost MOTHER after not seeing her for years (whether or not it was sexual harassment or an attempt to humiliate her in front of the family, I leave up to you because both are awful acts either way). And not long after wanting to sacrifice something to protect a girl he claims to love, he’s screaming bloody murder the minute he realizes what he’s gotten himself into.

Arkham: Jesus Christ, Sigmund Freud would have a field day with this guy.

Yes, that is in fact, a boy.

Ray: Even the youngest member, Tsurugi, is pretty dislikable. He’s just so dead-set on being the center of attention even when he’s using his own Stand Power to drive everyone around him insane. LITERALLY. We get it, you’re sick with a disease and everyone’s trying to find a cure, but could you show a LITTLE humility, ya little brat?!

Arkham: (Looks at the image closely) Wait, that kid’s a BOY?!

Ray: Trust me, that’s one of the less bizarre things in this series. Long story short? Josuke would likely be done with his adventure in half the manga’s runtime if not for his idiot stepfamily. The only person who’s been a legitimate help to him is Yasuho, who’s completely unrelated to them by the way, but she’s just as victimized by this family as he is and dragged into several dangerous scenarios as a result.

Arkham: There’s really no escaping these douchebags, is there? I haven’t gotten that far into JoJo (as of this writing, I just finished Stardust Crusaders). But the way you’re describing it, I’m really not looking forward to this arc.

Ray: You’ll be in for a ride, I’ll tell you that much.


Number 10
The Matou Family
(Fate/Stay-Night)

 

Arkham: There’s a lot of examples of violent power struggles between family members here. And the Matous are only the first.

Ray: They may take the third-lowest spot here, but that doesn’t make them any more pleasant or moral. Hundreds of years ago, three families sought out the source of all magic–the Einzberns, the Tohsakas, and the Makiris. The third of those families would actually go on to change their titles to the Matous in an attempt to go into hiding and blend in with their new Japanese HQ.

“Something, something, something, DARK SIDE.

Arkham: And they’re all under the patriarchy of Zouken Matou, who looks like Emperor Palpatine if he somehow returned from the dead AGAIN and caught an even nastier skin disease.

Ray: Here’s the sick part. Do you wanna know the Matou Rite of Passage for becoming a worthy leader of the family?

Arkham: (Flippantly) What, do you give him his medication every day? Or listen to one of his stories without falling asleep?

Ray: He throws you into a pit of flesh-eating worms until you’re numb from the pain.

Arkham: (Shocked silence)

Ray: And leaves you there.

Arkham: (Afraid to ask) For like….how long? A week? A month?

Ray: For a year!

Arkham: (Apalled) What the fu–wait! That little girl that was thrown in there–what’s her name again?

Ray: Sakura. Sakura Matou.

Arkham: And how old was she when this happened to her?

Ray: Considering Fate/Zero took place 10 years before the original Fate/Stay Night series? …Around 5 to 7 years old.

Arkham: (Disgusted and angry) Tell me……..Does Zouken die?

Ray: In some timelines. His plans to acquire the Holy Grail go up in smoke, and he ends up killed by Kirei Kotomine or Sakura herself.

Arkham: (Satisfied) Good riddance. Fucker. (Exhales) So what about the rest of his family?

Ray: Zouken’s son, Byakuya, is kind of the run-of-the-mill neglectful dad, but he’s not worth writing home about. In fact, the most we really see from him is when Kiritsugu Emiya is holding him at gunpoint with him barely able to string words together. BUT! The Matous have another gold medalist craplord, and he comes in the form of the family grandson, Shinji.

Arkham: (Laughing at the obvious joke)

Ray: No, not Shinji Ikari! Shinji Matou!

Arkham: C’mon, when am I ever gonna have another chance to use that GIF?

Ray: (Groans)

Any guy with that shit-eating grin deserves to get backfisted.

Ray: Shinji Matou is a spineless, talentless loser, and he knows it. The little twerp bullies Sakura nonstop because she’s subconsciously a better mage than he’ll ever be. He’ll brow-beat her into handing over her servant, Rider/Medusa, hold her at KNIFEPOINT just to threaten Shirou and Rin, and…(shudders) rapes her repeatedly in more than one continuity.

Arkham: Whatever did poor Sakura do to deserve all this bullshit!? Tell me Shinji gets his comeuppance too!

Ray: Oh, boy does he. Lancer here does exactly what everyone wants to do to this blue-haired git…

Arkham: (Laughs) Backfist to the face, Ganondorf-style! I love it! Is it me, or does anime really seem to hate guys named Shinji?

Ray: Sakura is the only good member of this sordid family…and she’s freaking ADOPTED. But it turns out even she has a dark side to her. When Shinji pushes her over the edge, she turns into Dark Sakura–a magical juggernaut of unimaginable power, a lust for bloodshed towards all who wronged her (and some who hadn’t) and a long list of SERIOUS anger issues.

RUN. FUCKING RUN.

Arkham: Reminds me of when I wrote Trigon Raven’s character in my “Raven vs. Shanoa” Death Battle from years ago.

Ray: Given her current state of living? It’s really hard to blame her. Last but not least, let’s not forget that about Kariya. The outcast of the family…

Ray: He started out as a nice enough guy and actually wanted to save Sakura from the fate that Zouken subjected her to. Admirable, right?

Arkham: (Cynical) What’s the catch? There’s always a catch to this kind of thing.

Ray: He does this by taking part in the Grail War and taking parasitic worms into his flesh, which drastically shorten his lifespan. 

Arkham: The Matous have a really weird and disgusting fetish for worms!

Ray: Indeed. Anyway, upon acquiring Berserker/Lancelot, Kariya becomes so convinced that he has the strongest Servant that he becomes obsessed with killing Sakura’s REAL father, Tokiomi Tohsaka. His power fantasy gets to the point where he fruitlessly attacks Tokiomi even when doing so only hurts himself…and when someone else snuffed Toki just to frame him, he strangles his childhood friend-seemingly to DEATH-out of pure rage. With nothing left to lose or live for, he just withers away, having fought a lost cause and having saved nobody, and becomes nothing more than worm food. Kariya isn’t as bad as his grandfather or nephew, but he sank to too far a depth for Sakura and he ultimately paid the price.

Arkham: There really is nobody spared in this family of freaks, is there?

Ray: No, there really isn’t. If you’re unlucky enough to be born into the Matou family, you’re doomed to a life of physical abuse and psychological torment. And you’ll be lucky to come out of it even halfway sane.


Number 9
The Zoldyck Family

(HunterXHunter)

 

Arkham: I haven’t seen HunterXHunter in a long time, so you’re gonna have to take the lead on this one.

Ray: Don’t worry, I’ll make this one as short as possible. Anyway, you ever wonder what the childhood of an assassin is like? Not as in doing the job itself, but more like the kind of upbringing you would get from the people around you.

Arkham: Well, I’ve played Assassin’s Creed. Most of the Brotherhood have turned out surprisingly decent people, like Ezio, Connor Kenway, and even his grandfather Edward.

Ray: Trust me, those guys are the lucky ones. It’s an entirely different story if you’re a child in an assassin family from the Shonen genre. From the very beginning, we all knew something was up with young Killua Zoldyck

Ray: On the surface, he seems like an ordinary kid. A bit standoffish and quick to get bored, but he seems like an alright guy. That all changed when we see him first see him in action. He has a superhuman tolerance for pain, poison, and even electrocution. He massacres entire buildings full of deadly assassins like they’re amateurs, and is even strong enough to rip a guy’s heart out like he’s performing a Mortal Kombat fatality!

Arkham: (Strangely impressed) Dude…..That’s actually pretty fucking metal! Can you imagine how epic it would be if Killua was in a DBX against Young Link? Better yet, Hyrule Warriors Young Link!

Arkham: I think I’ll call it, “Boys on the Battlefield.”

Ray: Catchy title. And I admit, that would make for a pretty wild episode! But back on track–the reason Killua became such a force of terror is because his family trained him to be the ultimate assassin in their family. Unfortunatley for them, it worked out too well. Killua eventually became bored of living under the control of his parents. He betrayed his family and ran away, and eventually became a contestant in the Hunter Exams just for fun.

Arkham: Honestly, who could blame him? If this wasn’t an anime, the Zoldycks would get Child Protection banging on their front door.

Ray: If only that happened to begin with. Anyway, Killua would soon be partnered with Gon Freecss, one of the other Hunter Exam participants. Gon’s friendly and optimistic nature helped Killua to discover his kinder side, and the two grew to become best friends through their shared experiences.

Arkham: Well, I’m happy for them both. Killua deserves a happy, healthy friendship after the hell that his family put him through. Speaking of which, what kind of sick bastards was he even raised by, anyway?

Ray: I’m happy you asked, because I was just about to start. The first clue we had about Killua’s disturbing family life came in the form of this guy, Gittarackur…And he’s–well, I’ll let you see for yourself.

Arkham: (Visibly disgusted and confused) What the fuck am I lookin’ at!? What is he, a human pincushion? It’s like if Pinface from became a serial killer with a shitty mohawk!

If you understood this reference, please tell us in the comments.

Arkham: Just who the hell is this freakshow anyway?

Ray: He first appears as another contestant in the Hunter Exams, albiet a very bizarre and fugly one. Throughout the story, he’s seen in the background, assisting Killua and Gon’s rivals or murdering other competitors for unknown reasons. Near the end of the exams, Gittarackur was placed in a one-on-one fight against Killua for the hunter license. At that point, Gittarackur decided it was time to reveal his true identity

Arkham: Wait–his true identity?

Ray: That’s right! You know grotesque acupuncture needles he wears on his face? Those are full of Nen, the innate life energy that all HxH characters possess (think Chakra from the Naruto-verse). Gittarackur placed all those needles on himself to maintain his disguise. Heck, even his name isn’t his real one!

Arkham: (Impatiently) Well then, who the hell is he!?

Ray: You wanna know? Watch what happens when he pulls those needles out. I’ll warn you though, it’s even more disgusting when he removes them.

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Arkham: (Shocked and disgusted) Jesus Christ! Thank God I didn’t have lunch yet! Just what did Gittarackur just turn into?

Ray: He turns out to be Killua’s big brother–another dangerous assassin called Illumi Zoldyck.

Arkham: Not gonna lie, if you hadn’t just told me, I would have thought this guy was Killua’s sister. I kind of wish he was, honestly.

Ray: Ignoring his somewhat feminine features and creepy-as-hell stare, Illumi is a sociopath who’s both emotionally and psychologically manipulative of his little brother. Both of them were taught be their father to find pleasure only in killing others. And unlike with Killua, the lessons stuck with Illumi. Strangely, Illumi actually does loves and cares for Killua. But the problem is, this manifests in an overprotective nature that makes him Illumi do extreme things to keep his brother safe.

Arkham: Such as?

Ray: Let’s see…(Counting on his fingers) Threatening to murder Killua’s best friend Gon if he doesn’t fight him. Forcing Killua to be disqualified from the first real tournament arc in the series. Planting a Nen-infused needle inside Killua’s brain to remotely keep him obedient

Arkham: Blackmail, forced loss, and mind control!? How is any of this a display of love for his brother? All it’s gonna do is make him grow feelings of resentment! What about the rest of their family? I can only imagine they’re just as depraved, if not more.

Ray: You would be correct. But I’ll go through each of them quickly, since they have less involement in the plot.

Ray: Kikyo, the mom in the Cyclops visor, is probably where Illumi got his abusive overprotectiveness from. She’s a deeply disturbed and malicious woman who’s obsessed with helping her youngest son Killua reach his full potential as an assassin. She’s so depraved that she’s actually delighted when she watches her son murder innocent people. Kikyo will also throw violent tantrums if someone calls out her sadistic parenting skills.

Arkham: Any reason she’s dressed like if Robocop was dressed as a mummified Victorian English lady?

Ray: The bandages are to cover up her scars when Killua attacked her as he ran away from the family. As for the metal visor……it’s never really explained, although it can act as a comms device.

Ray: Remember Jimmy De Santa from earlier? Milluki is like if you took all of Jimmy’s immaturity and added in malice. He’s the second oldest son behind Illumi, and is a selfish, immature coward who takes pleasure in others’ suffering. He’s also deeply jealous of his talented younger brother Killua, leading to deep hatred between them. In fact, in his very first appearance, Milluki is seen flogging Killua as punishment for running away!

Arkham: That sadistic piece of shit! I’d like to strangle Milluki with that whip!

Ray: Who wouldn’t? It wouldn’t be hard to do it since Milluki has next to zero fighting skills. He is however, a highly skilled hacker and inventor, which is pretty much the only reason his family even keeps him around. He’s so good that he invented the Yo-Yos that Killua used as weapons when he retook the Hunter Exams.

Arkham: Wait–I thought Milluki hated him? Why would he invent weapons for him to use?

Ray: I doubt he did it willingly. He probably only made them because he was ordered to by his parents or older brother.

Arkham: Fair point.

Ray: And like Jimmy, he’s also a pretty unflattering stereotype of gaming and otaku culture. He spends his days reading manga or playing video games, and even has a figurine collection that he’s particularly obsessed with–to the point that he even threatens to kill Killua if he even touches it!

Arkham: Seriously, what is it with these games and shows giving the finger to their target audiences!? Didn’t Hunter X Hunter start off as a manga series? Why would they deliberatly make a character to make fun of their readers?

Ray: Maybe it’s to serve as a warning not to become the stereotype? I dunno.

Ray: Finally we come to daddy dearest, Silva, the source of all the evils in the Zoldyck household.

Arkham: It should be a rule in manga that anyone with that hair and those eyebrows is guaranteed to be a bad guy!

Ray: Indeed. Silva has the mentality of an emotionally abusive father. He’ll treat Killua nicely for a time and even allowed him to let him leave on his own while the rest of his family objected.

Arkham: Not out of the goodness of his heart, I’ll bet.

Ray: Not at all! Right before Killua leaves, Silva whispered behind his back, “You’ll be back. They always come back”. He wasn’t bothered about Killua running away because he knew that he’d eventually return–whether by free will or force. Not only that, he signed his youngest son into a fighting tournament with expert martial artists just to toughen him up. How old was Killua?…..Six years old!

Arkham: (Shocked) Jesus! I was still in Kindergarten when I was six! I wasn’t even a White belt in Tae Kwon Do until I was in Second Grade! 

Ray: And this is in the EARLIEST stages of the series! He only gets much worse from then on!

Arkham: Oh, God. How much farther does this get? What about grandpa and the other siblings?

Ray: Surprisingly, they’re actually fine.

Arkham: (Looks confused) Wait, what? I was expecting grandpa to be the worst of ’em all.

Arkham: Hell, his hair and eyebrows are even eviller than Silva’s. Not to mention the Fu Manchu moustache.

Ray: Despite looking like he’s constantly scheming something awful, Zeno is actually a decent man–at least compared to his son and grandchildren. He actually suggested releasing Killua when Gon and the gang went looking for him, even when the rest of the family opposed it (save Silva). And the other two siblings are also pretty alright in that they’ve never outright opposed Killua or his friends either.

Ray: Killua’s sister, Alluka, is a sweet and purehearted girl who loves her brother in a genuine way. By the end of the series, she becomes BFFs with him and Gon.

Arkham: (Smiles in relief) Huh. That’s…nice, actually. Thank God this has somewhat of a happy ending. Killua deserves a healthy, supportive relationship after the hell his “family” put him through.

Ray: And rightly so. I could also talk about the butlers of the family since they’re no Alfred Pennyworths themselves. But I think that’s a story for another list. For now, we got eight more repulsive families to beat down.


Number 8
The Mishima Clan
(Tekken)

Arkham: Tekken is freaking NUTS!!! It’s one of my all-time favorite fighting game franchises, known for its crazy characters, its tight yet intuitive gameplay, beautiful music, and an intense storyline.

Ray: What other game lets you have street fights between a kangaroo with boxing gloves and a 370lb assassin robot? Or a jaguar-headed wrestler and a samurai in a squid helmet?

Arkham: But beneath all the insane awesomeness lies a long, gruesome story of betrayal, heartbreak, and revenge. At the crux of the Tekken storyline lies the Mishima Clan, owners of the powerful Mishima Zaibatsu corporation. 

Ray: And they would not be on this list if there wasn’t any seriously-dark stuff going on behind-the-scenes. I could go on a tangent about old man Heihachi ALONE. The guy throws his five-year-old son into a ravine (and later into a volcano), his grandson out of a helicopter–okay, this man’s WAY too obsessed with throwing his descendants off of things. Then he pulls the mother of all dick moves by blowing millions to launch both of them and his own father into space on a frickin’ ROCKET…but when his pet bear is turned into a cub by the Pandora Cube, he won’t even THINK about harming it?! Heihachi should’ve forgone kids and just bought a puppy!

Arkham: And it’s not like he’s a saint otherwise, either. Heihachi has found ways to screw over most of the cast of Tekken in some shape or form, and he’s so universally-despised by everyone that the only combatant that would willingly team up with him in “Street Fighter X Tekken” is KUMA–the aforementioned “pet bear”.

Ray: But what about the rest of his family? Heihachi’s father, Jinpachi…was actually a pretty great guy and a fair patriarch to the Mishima clan, even being quite nurturing to both his son and his grandson.

Arkham: But Heihachi, being the total douchewad he is, pulled a few strings to get his father impeached and imprisoned. Jinpachi dies, but then gets possessed by an evil spirit, comes back from the dead, and transforms into THE CHEAPEST MOTHERFUCKER IN ALL OF TEKKEN!!!

Tekken fans all over the world just started weeping.

Arkham: (Starts convulsing violently) FIREBALLS! STUN ATTACKS! HEALTH DRAINS!

Ray: (Concerned) Dude! Are you okay?

Arkham: Sorry. I just had Vietnam flashbacks of fighting this asshole on Tekken 5

Arkham: (Miserably) The horror…….The horror……

Ray: (Holds Arkham’s shoulder) Why don’t you rest for a bit? Anyway! Heihachi’s greed and pursuit of power is enough to worry his own wife, Kazumi, a tiger-riding femme fatale. And what does she do in fear of this behavior? Hire Street Fighter’s own Akuma to try and kill him!

Ray: I mean, I can’t blame her, but surely there are subtler ways to do it than to sic a demonic martial artist on him? Couldn’t she have poisoned his sake bottle instead?

Arkham: (Takes a deep breath) So, Heihachi’s pretty much the catalyst of the entire Tekken plotline, but did his kids turn out any better than him? Yes…and no.

Arkham: After getting thrown into the ravine as a kid and reaching the brink of death, Kazuya awakened his latent Devil Gene abilities. And if he enters the Devil Gene form, he becomes a raging, bloodlusted monster that he barely has any control over.

Ray: Fun Fact! The Devil Gene didn’t originate with Heihachi, but his wife Kazumi. Weird, isn’t it? And, after winning the first Tekken Tournament, he returns the favor and throws Heihachi into the same ravine. Sounds good, right?

Arkham: Turns out Kazuya wanted to beat dear old dad so he could inherit the Mishima Zaibatsu…and do everything Heihachi did, but WORSE. His methods would go on to include kidnapping, extortion, smuggling of endangered species, and flat-out trying to conquer the Hokkaido region of Japan.

Ray: But of course, Heihachi returned, wrested control of Zaibatsu back from Kazuya (and Jin in some cases), and the two were back at each other’s necks again.

Arkham: Also, if you’re thinking Kazuya was a better father to his own son, Jin Kazama, you’re dead-wrong again. Turns out he’s not too fond of his son because he possesses the Devil Gene himself–a fragment of it that got separated from him years ago and he can’t get it back because of his Kazama blood. He doesn’t hate Jin as much as Heihachi, but he’s still WAY too comfortable with beating the shit out of him by the time of Tekken 7.

Arkham: And as for Jin Kazama himself? After losing his mother, Jun Kazama, he sought out his grandfather, who taught him the Mishima fighting style. Bad decision on Jin’s part. Turned out Heihachi was trying to use his grandson’s latent Devil Gene powers to lure out the Aztec god, Ogre, so he can absorb the monster’s power and become all-powerful.

Ray: And if you want to see how far Heihachi’s willing to go, just watch the Netflix anime.

Ray: And it doesn’t stop there! When Jin killed Ogre in a fit of rage, Heihachi had him gunned down again, activated the same Devil Powers, and caused Jin to go on a violent conquest to try and destroy the Devil Gene. All with the goal on ending the senseless violence in his family.

Arkham: That’s it!? What’s the point of ending the bloodshed in his family if he’s just gonna keep making more of his own?

Ray: That’s just how desperate Jin has become. After being captured by Heihachi and having his mind tortured by Kazuya who sought to steal the Devil Gene from him, Jin broke free and vowed to take revenge on them both.

Arkham: And when he beat that FUCKING CHEAPASS (Exhales)…..his great-grandpa Jinpachi, in Tekken 5’s canon ending, Jin took over the Mishima Zaibatsu and actually stayed in power.

Ray: And then he grew mad with power and went on a warpath that basically kickstarted World War 3. Like father, like son. But it turns out this was all a means to an end, as he finally identified the source of the Devil Gene–the monster Azazel. While Jin succeeded in killing the demon…his Devil Gene remained. So he basically waged wars, committed worldwide crimes, and extorted corporations dozens of times over–ALL FOR NOTHING!

Arkham: Worse still, Kazuya is still at large and on a warpath! Eventually, Heihachi gets involved to wrest control of the corporation from Jin, but ultimately fails. His journey ultimately has him meet Kazuya for the last time, in the mouth of a volcano. They fight one brutal duel that ends with Kazuya killing his father at last, and throwing his corpse into a river of lava.

Ray: (Exhales) In the end, what goes around comes around. All of this reminds me of the ending of Revenge of the Sith, except Heihachi doesn’t come back in a suit of space armor.

Arkham: Heihachi’s death here is canon by the way. He’s really, truly killed off for real.

Ray: Can’t say that we’ll miss him, either. But even in the non-canon endings, nobody seems to be truly spared here. While the rest of the family is nowhere near as monstrous as Heihachi, they sink to some pretty low stuff just to get back at him…and each other. Regularly.

Arkham: To be fair, some of Heihachi’s endings are pretty hilarious. Two of them involve sending father, son, and grandson into Space as a way of executing them. Hell, Tekken 6’s ending has him falling down to Earth with them!

Ray: There’s the cruel and unusual punishments, and then there are Heihachi’s endings….Should we talk about Lars, Heihachi’s other son?

Arkham: Might as well, since we came this far.

Arkham: Lars Alexandersson was introduced in Tekken 6: Bloodline Rebellion. Born to a Swedish mother, he is Heihachi’s bastard son and Kazuya’s half-brother–a fact that Heihachi himself doesn’t even know about! I can only imagine Heihachi got drunk in Stockholm one night, woke up the next morning to a strange woman, and booked the first flight home he could find. Motherfucker didn’t even pay child support!

Ray: Honestly, I wouldn’t put it too far past him. What about Lars himself? Does he turn out to be as psychotic as the Mishimas?

Arkham: Surprisingly, “no”. In a twist of irony, Lars turned out pretty great because Heihachi wasn’t a part of his life. Lars has a strong sense of justice and heroism. As an adult, he was formerly a member of the Tekken Force, the Mishima Zaibatsu’s paramilitary wing. But after Jin took over the company and corrupted its morals, Lars and a large number of his troops turned on the company and formed a rebel faction called “Yggdrasil.” Their ultimate goal was to end the war started by both the Mishima Zaibatsu and G Corporation.

Ray: FINALLY! Someone to root for in this story! So how does it all pan out for him?

Arkham: In Tekken 7, Lars concocts a plan to end the war once and for all. He starts this plan by rescuing his nephew Jin from a squad of UN soldiers who attempt to execute him. He takes Jin to a hospital owned by Violet Systems to heal from the attempt on his life. Lars risks everything to protect Jin, going so far as to hold off an attack by Nina Williams and even stop a civilian journalist from killing him out of revenge.

Ray:….Hold on. Why would Lars go so far to protect his arch-enemy, the leader of the Mishima Zaibatsu?

Arkham: Because Lars believes that Jin is the only one who can bring the war to an end. Since both he and Kazuya share the Devil Gene, he’s the only one powerful enough to defeat his father. Jin himself even agrees to the plan as a way to atone for his sins and end the Mishima Bloodline for good.

Ray: If that’s the case, I’ll at least give Jin points for wanting to redeem himself. Even though killing Kazuya isn’t nearly enough to make up for all the innocent lives Jin has ruined.

Arkham: Whatever the case, Jin fully awakens to his Devil form and finds Kazuya in the same way. With Heihachi dead, the cycle repeats itself with father and son confronting each other for one last battle. Will Jin manage to destroy Kazuya and end his family’s cursed history?

Ray: We have no idea at the time of this writing. But, with Tekken 8 on its way out this year (as of this writing), we’ll soon get a chance to see what happens when this crazy, crazy series comes to an end.


Arkham: We’ve just barely gotten through the first four entries, and already we’re exhausted! We still have seven more families to cover! And trust me, they’re gonna get even worse!

Ray: These were just the appetizers, ladies and gentlemen. The next two parts are going to go get to some incredibly dark and disturbing places! These families really are the worst that we could find!

Arkham: Take a nice long break and be happy that you never had to live with any of the above families. For right now, stay cool!

Ray: Till next time!

Top 12 Most Toxic Families!

Ray Family. A word describing a group of people who provide love, shelter, and security to each other because of their shared lineage. No matter if you’re born, married, or adopted into a family, you can count on them to provide the care and support you need to enjoy life.

Arkham: These families are not those families. Like I said in one of our previous lists, every rule has an exception.

Ray: While most families share a happy, healthy relationship, there are a few that are so deranged, abusive, and hateful that you’ll wish you were raised in an orphanage.

Arkham: But lemme provide a little context here before we get started. About four years ago, the fall of 2019, I saw the horror-comedy slasher film Ready or Not. The story was about a young woman named Grace (played by Samara Weaving) who marries into a large, rich family. The family in question has a bizarre tradition where the newlywed has to play a game with them, decided by a random set of cards. She draws “Hide and Seek,” and suddenly all her in-laws–and her husband–go apeshit and try to kill her!

Ray: Umm……..YIKES.

Arkham: (Nods) Exactly. We’ll come back to this family of freaks, but as I sat in the theater and watched this hilarious-yet-terrifying story play out, I only held one thought: “Man!….That is one effed-up family!”

Ray: Mm-hmm! And they’re far from alone! Heck, this is kinda my specialty at this point, since I already made three lists covering the worst fathers, mothers AND siblings in manga and anime! (Here’s the links to each if anyone’s interested.)

Arkham: (Glares at Ray) Sellout.

Ray: Hey, you asked for my help on this Countdown! I’m allowed to advertise my content!

Arkham: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, let’s quickly go over the rules. Since this list will focus on each family as a whole, we’ll be discussing each member individually. Whether their actions contribute to the abuse, or if they suffer under it. 

Ray: It’s a bit hard to explain here, but it’ll make more sense as we go on. And trust me, there’s a LOT to unpack here.

Arkham: And while Ray’s specialty is in anime (and there are some anime examples here), we’ll also be looking at the worst families in movies, games, TV and what have you. There’s really nothing left to explain here, so let’s get on it!

Hey! I’m Arkham500!

And I’m Sarge Ray, aka Dimension-Dino!

Arkham: And these are our picks for…….

Top 12 Most TOXIC Families!!!

Arkham: Waitwaitwait! Just one more thing! Ray and me started this project four years ago in late 2019. It’s taken an ungodly long time for us to write this, mainly because of our jobs, family obligations, other writing projects, and just plain laziness on both our parts.

Ray: This was originally meant to be one long list, but we found it easier to split it into multiple parts, with only a few entries each. This will hopefully reduce the number of copying and pasting we have to do while keeping our readers interested in the topic. The links to each part of the list will be posted at the bottom of this page. It’ll take time to post them all as editing is a slow, arduous process. But we promise we’ll have each part out to you as soon as possible.

Arkham: So, if any of our picks feel outdated to you, we sincerely apologize. We’ll try to keep it as relevant as we can, but if there’s any families that you think should been on the list, please share them in the comments. We’d be excited to hear your opinions. As always, one last important thing.

NUMBERS 12 – 8

NUMBERS 7 – 4

NUMBERS 3, 2, and DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

NUMBER 1

EPILOGUE

Death Battle Prelude: Roll vs Team Rocket

Lily: (Latin American accent) So, Lulu? Explain to me again what the hell this place is, and what I’m doing here?

Louis: This is the new testing room of the Arkham Death Battle Arena. You’re going to be a co-host for one of our new members.

Lily: Really, now? Sounds hella fun! And do I get paid for any of this?

Louis: That….depends on if you’re able to put on a good performance or not. This is your trial run, Lily. If you do well, our boss will assign you as a co-host to one of our other rookies, Emily. She’s Edward’s little sister.

Lily: Yo entiendo. (Pauses, as if she’d realized something.) Hold on, Edward? You don’t mean that same Edward from the Mii Fighting League years ago? The nerdy Irish magician guy you always got into fights with?

Louis: (Sighs) He’s actually Scottish. But yeah, it’s the same one. His sister joined as a substitute while he went back to Scotland to help his dad with a wizar d’s gathering or some shit. But she performed so well that we decided to take her in full-time.

Lily: Well good for her! I didn’t know Eddy had a sister. She’s not a stuck-up pendeja like her bro, right?

Louis: Emily can be a handful sometimes, but she’s got a good heart, and she’s not nearly as aggravating. Just…..try not to talk shit about her brother in front of her. I did it after our first episode together, and she really let me have it.

Lily: (Laughs out loud ) Damn, sounds like I’ll really like her! I’m glad she’s got enough balls to put you in your place, Lulu!

Louis: (Exasperated) And for God’s sake, can you NOT call me “Lulu” here!? I don’t mind if you do it anywhere else, but do you realize how unmanly it sounds?

Lily: Oh, don’t you start! I think it’s adorable! Like the name for a puppy!

Louis: No, Lulu is what you call your 6-year-old daughter in a ballet class in Paris! Not the name for a Blue Knight of the House of LeVainquer! 

Lily: There you go again with the “Noble House of LeVainquer” mierda. Just ’cause one of your ancestors did something five hundred years ago doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it. Besides, you could do with some ballet lessons next time you take me dancing, Mr. Two Left Feet!

Louis: No way in Hell am I prancing around in a pink tutu!

Lily: We’ll see, Lulu.

Louis: Anyway, this is where you’ll be conducting the show. Emily should be here any minute now. (He opens the door, and finds the room is empty.) Huh? Where the hell did she get to?

Lily: Either she just turned invisible, or she’s late.

Louis: She told me on the phone she was here alre–

(A white flash fills the room. Emily teleports in behind them.)

Emily: (Light Scottish accent) Goooooooood morning, Mr. Louis!

Louis: AHH! What the–

Lily: ¿¡Qué chingados!?

Emily: (Laughing merrily)

Louis: How many times have I told you not to sneak up on people!?

Emily: (Still laughing) Now you’re starting to sound like Edward!

Lily: (Also starts laughing)

Louis: You too, Lily?

Lily: I’m laughing at you, Lulu! You just jumped and shouted like “AHHHH!”

Louis: You jumped too, you hypocrite! (Sighs) Annnnnyway, you two will be partners from now on. Take some time to get to know each other.

Emily: Right! (Smiles and bows politely) Hello there! I’m Emily Elvis! I’m new here. I’m covering for my brother Edward while he’s away.

Lily: ¡Ay, que linda! My name’s Liliana Ladrona. But my friends usually call me Lily.

Emily: Actually……..you do look a bit familiar. (Gasps) You’re Lily the Bandida, from Legends Pro Wrestling, aren’t you!

Lily: Look at that, she even knows who I am! You watch our show?

Emily: Aye! Mr. Hiro and I watch your shows on the telly! You and Selina Lopez are amazing!

Louis: I’m surprised you watch wrestling. I thought you didn’t like violence?

Emily: Not violence for violence’s sake. But violence for sport is fun to watch!

Lily: Smart, funny, and has a cute accent. Now I really like her! So where are you from anyway? Great Britain?

Emily: Technically yes, but I’m Scottish, not English. And I assume you’re Spanish?

Lily: Close, but I’m not from Spain. Straight from Tijuana, México.

Louis: Cool, cool. I’m glad you two hit it off so well, but the Prelude is starting soon. (Turns to Lily) Lily, are you sure you’re ready for this? Do you remember everything I told you to do?

Lily: Yeah, yeah. Be polite to the guests. Keep the conversation active. Don’t threaten to strangle someone to death with my whip.

Louis: And keep to the script.

Lily: Script!? I don’t need no stinking script! Just watch me!

Emily: (Giggles) Well, this is all well and fun, but our show is about to start. Shall we move on?

Lily: You got it! Lead the way, mija! (She kisses Louis on the lips) ¡Ciao, Lulu!

(They enter the Interview Room)

Louis: Ciao, Lily. (Hmmm…….This should be interesting.)


Lily: Being the little sister can be tough. I should know–In Tijuana, I was adopted by a family with three older brothers. We used to get into a lot of trouble as kids.

Emily: As a younger sister myself, I also know the struggles of being the second child of the family. Many times, we have to push ourselves past our limits just to avoid being outshined by our older siblings.

Lily: Let’s look at Mega Man for example. For eleven games, that guy is always out killing evil robots, kicking Dr. Wily’s ass, and saving the world. And what’s his sister Roll doing? She’s at home sweeping the floor or washing clothes or cleaning out the machines. Whatever happened to equal rights!?

Emily: But sooner or later, some terrible emergency comes along and the hero is not available to solve it. It’s that moment where the younger sister finally gets her chance to become the hero she always knew she could be!

Lily: And this episode’s unlikely hero is…….

Roll! The younger sister of Mega Man!

And opposing her are….

 Jessie, James, and Meowth, Team Rocket’s trio of incompetent Pokemon thieves!

Me llamo Liliana Ladrona, la Bandida Violeta!

And I’m Emily Elvis, The White Mage!

Emily: And as always, we’ve invited two special guests representing each combatant! For Roll, we have the Blue Bomber himself, Mega Man (or Rock Man for our Japanese readers)!

Hey there! I heard my sister was getting her own episode!

Lily: And representing Team Rocket is……

Detective Pikachu, on the case!

Lily: (Confused stare)……A Pikachu?

Det. Pikachu: Not just any Pikachu, sweetheart! Do YOU know any Pikachus that are an ace detective with the chocolatey smooth voice of Ryan Reynolds?

Lily: (Wonderful. My first two guest hosts are a robot from the future and a talking Pokémon. Ay de mi.) Alright! Well, let’s not waste any more time! Let’s get this Prelude on the road!

Emily: Aye! Let’s go over each fighter’s skills, weapons, and armor to determine who would win….a Death Battle!



ROLL:
* Robot Number: DLN-002
* Nicknames: Roll; Roll Light
* Debut: Mega Man (1987)
* Height: Appx 4’4 (Shorter than Mega Man)
* Weight: Appx 230lbs (Should be no heavier than the average MM character)
* Age: Unknown (built with the appearance of a ten-year-old girl)
* Theme Song:

 

Emily: (Singing) Tsutaetai. Kono omoi. Tomaranai modorenai. Dakishimete. Tsukamaete mou hanasanai de.

Lily: What? Girl, what the hell are you singing?

Emily: Oh! S–sorry. They’re the Japanese lyrics to Roll’s theme song in Marvel vs Capcom.

Lily: You can speak Japanese?

Emily: Not really, aside from what I learned from anime. But I can speak German, French, and Russian.

Lily: (Impressed) Three other languages? You’re a little human Google Translate, aren’t you? So…..Mega Man, right? Thank you for joining us for our first official Prelude.

Mega Man: No problem! I’m super excited to be here to support my sister! So, what do you girls need me to do?

Emily: Before we discuss Roll’s weapons and powers, we need to know where she came from. So would you please tell us how you and your sister were created, and why?

Mega Man: Well, Roll and I were created by Dr. Thomas Light in the year 200X.

Lily: What the hell does the “X” stand for?

Mega Man: It’s Capcom’s way of saying: “We don’t wanna look like idiots to people in centuries from now, so the year is whatever the hell you want it to be.”

Emily: Well, at least they sidestepped that annoying science fiction problem. So, what was the world like in the future you lived in?

Earth in the Mega Man universe.

Mega Man: Robot technology went a really long way in the past decades, and it was largely thanks to Dr. Light. He designed all kinds of robots for household work, civil service, and all sorts of other tasks. But, Dr. Light’s real dream was to create a robot with AI so advanced, it could act and think like a real human! These would be known as the “Robot Masters.”

Emily: Like a futuristic version of Pinocchio!

Lily: Someone watches a lot of Disney Plus.

Emily: Aye. The classic 1940 one, though. Not that CGI disaster from 2022.

Mega Man: (Chuckles) Well, either way, Dr. Light made three attempts at creating a robot with humanoid AI. The first was my brother Protoman, but he escaped because  his energy core was unstable, and he was afraid the repairs by Dr. Light would delete his personality. 

Proto Man, Rock and Roll’s predecessor.

Mega Man: When he failed to get Proto back, Dr. Light went back to the drawing board and created me and my sister, naming us “Rock” and “Roll.” Geddit?

Rock and Roll, along with Dr. Light and Rush.

Lily: (Groans) Madre de Dios, tell me Dr. Light didn’t actually think he was clever with that….Wait a minute, “Rock?” I thought your name was Mega Man?

Mega Man: Someone in Capcom USA thought Rock Man was a dumb name, so he changed it for North American and European releases. My sister still calls me “Rock”, though.

Lily: Thank God for that. Like, I know you’re named after rock music, but think about how lame that sounds if you aren’t aware of that! Being named after a literal “rock?”

Emily: I think it’s a fine name, Miss Lily. Rocks can represent strength and resilience, and rock music is often exciting and energetic! Naming aside, how did Dr. Light make you and your sister different from Proto Man?

Mega Man: In his own words, he gave us cores that are stronger and more stable than Proto’s. Not only that, but he had a specific reason for making us besides just completing his experiments. He wanted us to be his assistants–me to help him around the lab, and Roll to clean and maintain the house. 

Lily: (Groans in frustration) See what I’m talking about? OF COURSE he’d make the girl the one who cooks, cleans, and carries out trash!

Emily: Is that such a bad thing? There’s nothing wrong with spending time to make sure the house is clean and in order. Otherwise it’d be a bloody mess every day.

Lily: (Sighs) Yeah, I know. I just wish it wasn’t always the women who have to do it. Maybe it’s because my stepbrothers would always dump the chores they didn’t want to do onto me. I always hated that.

Emily: (Sympathetically) Oh, is that true? I’m sorry, dear.

Mega Man: Uhh…..can you girls maybe discuss this after the episode? Back on track, Dr. Light may have made us to be his assistants, but the three of us have slowly become a real family. For the first few months, things were really peaceful.

Emily: (Smiles and folds her hands) How adorable! I’m happy you three started a cozy wee family-

Lily: Aaaaaand this is the part where everything goes to shit.

Emily: (Scolding) Miss Lily!

Lily: What? Every story has to have some kind of conflict, am I wrong?

Mega Man: (Sadly)…No, you’re not wrong. See, Dr. Light had a partner named Dr. Wily. They used to be very close friends, until Wily invented the Double Gear system. 

Mega Man: Light was against the Double Gear system because it was REALLY unstable and could badly damage a robot’s systems. Wily’s project was shut down in favor of Light’s, and he left the organization with a serious grudge. Since then, Wily’s tried to get even by kidnapping or building robots to be part of his own army. (Frustrated beyond belief) He’s done the same damn thing for eleven straight games now! And guess who’s had to stop him every time!? (Points to himself)

Emily: (In disbelief) Eleven times!? And he’s failed every single one!? 

Lily: Holy shit, seriously!? You know you’re a loser if you’ve fucked up the same evil plan eleven times in a row

Emily: Too right, lass. There’s stubbornness, there’s insanity, and then there’s being Dr. Wily. But we’re getting off topic–what does any of this have to do with Roll?

Mega Man: Dr. Light re-engineered us so we could be strong enough to thwart Dr. Wily whenever he was up to no good. In my case, he made me super-strong, durable, and able to copy the powers of any Robot Masters I defeat.

Mega Man: As for Roll, he put her in charge of the lab. She can convert bolts into weapons, items or upgrades and even can hack into or scavenge parts from enemy robots. She’s even installed all sorts of neat upgrades into our robo-dog, Rush, who helped me on a lot on my missions!

Lily: It’s nice that she’s a good mechanic and hacker, but what can she do outside of the lab?

Roll and Auto’s Workshop

Mega Man: (Pauses to think) Oh! Roll once rescued a dog from being run over, though she lost prize money from a Battle and Chase tournament.

Emily: (Interrupting) Uh, excuse me. I think what Miss Lily meant was, what can your sister do in terms of combat?

Mega Man: (Awkwardly) Oooh…that’s a different story. See, my sis doesn’t have as much experience as me in battle. She’s more about recon and rescue. She once teamed up with other Robot Masters to save the passengers of a grounded cruise ship, explored the Arctic circle, discovered the remains of Ra-Moon–an EMP weapon that can shut down all electronics on Earth–and even developed a cure to Roboenza–a virus that corrupts robots and makes them go berserk!

Lily: (Impatiently) ¡No tengo tiempo para esta mierda! (Plays video)

Mega Man: (Exasperated) Okay, okay! God!…Roll may do more cleanup than combat, but she’s certainly no pushover. She’s appeared in Marvel VS Capcom more than once, and in Power Battles, she can actually fight and defeat most of the Robot Masters!

Lily: Finally! NOW we’re getting somewhere! (Pause) Hang on. You said something about robots getting a virus? Do you mean like a computer virus, or one with coughing, sneezing and shit?

Mega Man: In our case, it’s kinda both. I think Capcom was really running out of ideas for stories.

Lily: They must have fortune tellers working at Capcom. They somehow predicted this damn coronavirus kicking our ass all over the world.

Mega Man: (Sympathetically) Right, the COVID-19 outbreak of the early 2020s? I have the history about it in my memory banks. But I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like going through it.

Emily: (Somberly) Aye. As someone who’s lived through so many pandemics, COVID is one that should not be taken lightly. Although, it is intriguing that a robot like yourself can also get sick. (Starts looking at Mega closely with interest)

Mega: (Sweating nervously) Uhhhh….why are you looking at me li–AHH!

(Emily starts poking and stretching Mega Man’s face) 

Emily: (Rapidly, almost unintelligible) Howdidthevirusgetinyoursystem? Whatsymptomsdoesitcause? Wasitairbornorwaterborne? *GASP!* Ormaybeitwasomeelectronicfoodonlyrobotscaneat?

Mega Man: (Muffled) Hhhhy! Wait a mnnit! Stp it!

Lily: (Pulls Emily back) Hey, hey, hey! ¡Relájate ya! What’s the matter with you?

Emily: (Blushes)……Sorry. I’m a medical witch. I’m rather fascinated with scientific things like that. And I can’t really learn how to cure people if I don’t do any research.

Lily: (Chuckles).……You’re lucky you’re so adorable, mija. Sorry about that, Mega.

Mega Man: It’s–it’s alright. So, what do we talk about next?

Lily: Now that we got all the boring backstory out of the way, let’s get to what our readers came for!

Emily: What strengths, weapons, and skills does your sister have that can help her against Team Rocket?

Mega Man: Okay! Get ready for this, girls! We got a hell of a lot to cover!

FEATS:
* One of Dr. Light’s first successful creations
* Jobs:
** Weapons artifice:
*** Builds weapons from scavenged Robot Parts
** Recon and Rescue Artist
** Intelligence Gatherer:
*** Hacker/Computer Specialist
*** Regular Dog Rescuer
*** Repair Unit
* Cured Roboenza
* Fought and defeated 8 Robot Masters
* Explored the Arctic
* Discovered the remains of Ra-Moon
* Other appearances:
** Tatsunoko VS Capcom
** Marvel VS Capcom 1-2

PHYSICALITY:


STRENGTH & DURABILITY:
* Survived attacks from…:
** Ice Man: Ice Manipulation to nigh-Absolute Zero temperatures.
** Elec Man: Electricity powerful enough to power Nuclear Power Plants.
** Fire Man: Fire that exceeds the heat of the Sun’s surface.
** Bomb Man: Bombs that can supposedly destroy any rock.
** Guts Man: Creates 5.0-scale Earthquakes and throws massive stone blocks
* Can hurt Guts Man, who’s tough enough to withstand his own earthquakes
* Endured an ambush from Quick Man, Oil Man, and Doc Robot, though not all at once.
* Survived a stray shot from Proto Man (though she was heavily wounded).
* Survived Ra-Moon’s EMP:
** This EMP completely shut down all electronics on Earth.
* Marvel vs Capcom:
** Can endure attacks from and defeat some of Marvel’s heaviest hitters.
* Tatsunoko vs Capcom:
** Powerful enough to damage Gold Lightan and PTX-40A.
** Can lift a massive metal bucket filled with water.
** Her attacks can launch a normal sized character nearly 40 feet in the air.

Mega Man: For starters, Roll scales about the same as me in terms of durability. In Mega Man: Powered Up, she survived attacks from five of Dr. Wily’s original Robot Masters! Don’t forget that I’ve beaten these guys myself in past adventures, so I know how powerful they are. 

Mega Man: For example, Ice Man can control ice and freeze matter to almost Absolute Zero temperature. Elec Man’s lighting can power a whole nuclear plant. Fire Man’s flames are literally hotter than the surface of the Sun. Bomb Man’s explosives can destroy boulders of almost any size. And Guts Man is strong enough to lift giant stone blocks and create city-wide earthquakes!

SPEED:
* Dodges Elec Man’s Thunder Beam:
** Electricity travels at 97,536 meters per second, which is Massively Hypersonic
** Can swing fast enough to catch Elec Man off-guard.
** Elec Man is implied to perceive things at the speed of light
* Mega Man: Battle and Chase:
** Quick enough to avoid fast-moving vehicles
*** These cars move at least 440 km/h (273mph) (Subsonic Levels)

Emily: That’s really impressive! Does your sister have any feats in terms of speed, though?

Mega Man: Oh, definitely! She’s quick enough to dodge Elec Man’s beams and catch him off-guard. For reference, Elec Man is implied to perceive events at light speeds. And in Battle and Race, my sis can also outmaneuver fast-moving vehicles while driving. Keep in mind that these cars drive at around 270 miles per hour (168 kph)!

Lily: Nice! Your sis sounds like she’s not someone to underestimate! I think that should be about it for Roll’s physicality. Now it’s time for us to see what your sister will bring for the battle!


PERSONALITY:

* Mainly kind-hearted and hardworking:
** Her dream is to open a hospital to make people happy and well
** Sometimes offers to clean her opponent’s clothes if dirty/damaged.
* Tends to scold misbehaving Robot Masters as if she’s their mother.
* Can be snarky/sassy at times.
* Has a crush on Mega Man? (What the fu…?):
** Becomes embarrassed when questioned about it.
** Ran away in tears when Mega lost his temper in the comics.
** Usually portrayed as Roll just looking up to her brother.

Emily: Fighting ability aside, what is your sister like? In terms of her personality, I mean? How does she normally behave?

Mega Man: Pretty good, I guess. She’s very diligent and hardworking, but also cares for the well-being of others. Every time I get damaged or infected with a virus, Roll is always first in line to heal me until I recover. She’s also happy to wash and repair my armor whenever it gets damaged, which happens more often than you think. I think she once told me that she plans to open a hospital someday so she can nurse other people back to health. 

Emily: (Smiles warmly) As a healer myself, it always makes me happy to hear of other people willing to care for the sick and injured.

Mega Man: Yeah, my sister’s got a very good heart. But she can get a bit annoying sometimes. You’d be surprised how angry she can get! Whenever she’s mad at someone, she tends to lecture and harangue them like she’s their mom! 

Emily: (That’s little surprise, considering all the times I’ve given Edward a hard time.)

Mega Man: She can also be kind of a smartass at times, which I think she got from hanging out with Proto Man too much.

Lily: (I would love to see how she acts around Lulu.)

WEAPONS/ABILITIES:


BROOMSTICK:
* Yes, it’s really her weapon of choice
* Mainly used to whack, thrust or lunge like a naginata:
** Has a charging attack where Roll sweeps the floor hard enough to cause damage
** Can be amplified after charging the broom with energy.
* Her broom can also be used to torch opponents
* Flies short distances with a jet-like thruster in the broom’s bristles.


WATER BUCKET:
* It’s just……a bucket. Of water.
* Can be used to make enemies slip or make them shockable?
* (I’m really trying here, guys)


GIANT WATER BUCKET:
* Okay, what the hell?
* Carries enough water to cause a tsunami-like wave

Lily: Broomsticks and buckets? What is this, an infomercial for Bed, Bath and Beyond? Where’s all the real weapons!?

Mega Man: I told you, Roll’s designed as a housekeeper first! It’s not like she has a lot to choose from!

Emily: Miss Lily, we’ve only started this part of the list. Let’s just be patient and see what else she has.

Lily: (Sighs) Todo bien.

Mega Man: Don’t worry–Sis does have weapons more suitable for battle. For example, she can call down health projectiles that repair her, but are harmful to anyone else. She also has Flower Bombs that act as impact grenades, an arm cannon that’s a slightly weaker version of my Mega Buster, and soccer balls that explode when kicked into an enemy.

Lily: Ha! Imagine if my friends and I played football with those back when we were kids!

Emily: I’d reckon there would be a lot of angry parents with lawsuits.

Mega Man: As far as her other weapons go, Sis can generate small tornadoes with Tornado Hold and create a protective ring of leaves with Leaf Shield. Roll doesn’t have the ability to copy enemy weapons like I do, so she has to call one of our robots, Eddie, to deliver them.

Lily: Must be really annoying to have to call someone to resupply you every few minutes.

Mega Man: Not really. Eddie delivers our stuff really fast because Dr. Light designed us so well. Anyway, her last few weapons are pretty common household tools–vacuums, blenders, circular saws, a pair of scissors, blow dryers, axes–things you’d find at a Wal-Mart or Home Depot.

Lily: Ay de mi. Out of all of them, the buzzsaw and axe are the only actual weapons!

Emily: Well, as Mr. Louis always says, “If it works, use it!” As long as Roll is creative and practical, anything she finds can be used as a weapon, right?

Lily: Yeah, I guess you have a point. Still, I think we should take out the appliances and just keep the actual weapons for Roll.


ROLL BUSTER:
* An arm cannon similar to Mega Man’s Buster
* Only fires standard shots and cannot be charged


FLOWER BOMB:
* Roll throws a bouquet that explodes upon contact.


TORNADO HOLD:
* Originally used by Tengu Man
* Allows Roll to fire a fan that generates a tornado.
* Can also be used as a jump boost to reach higher platforms


LEAF SHIELD:
* Originally used by Wood Man
* Creates a shield of razor-sharp leaves that can be thrown at the opponent.


MEGA BALL/ROCK BALL:
* Roll creates a soccer ball that can be kicked at enemies.
*
Will explode on contact (Not pictured above).


HEALTH PROJECTILE:
* Roll calls down a health capsule that heals her.
* Damages anyone else besides Roll.


EDDIE THE SUPPLY ROBOT:
* Can give Roll a Rock Ball, Tornado Hold, or Leaf Shield

VIDEO SOURCE:

Lily: (Relieved, as if this is what she was waiting for) Now we’re fucking talking! Some actual decent weapons and items that Roll can use! 

Emily: (Still skeptical) They are indeed helpful, but I can’t help but feel these are still too basic. Surely a brilliant man like Dr. Light could have given you and your sister a lot more than that. Some special hidden feature you use only for emergencies?

Lily: Yeah, good point. You two were in fighting games, right? Isn’t there some super-ultra-badass special move or final form you guys used?

Mega Man: (Thinking) Well, we used it very rarely. But Roll and I do have a special Hyper Form that we used specifically for Marvel vs Capcom. To get into this mode, we call in Rush, Beat, and Eddie our side and fuse our bodies together. This is what I look like when in Hyper Mode.

Mega Man: In my Hyper Form, my Mega Buster shoots a huuuuuge laser beam, and I fire missiles from my shoulders and legs! 

Lily: (Ecstatic) Hell yeah! Now that’s what I call a special move! 

Emily: That’s quite a powerful upgrade! And what about your sister?

Mega Man: Roll’s Hyper Form’s a bit different. She activates it the same way, but she doesn’t have her Roll Buster or limb missiles. Instead, she emits streams of electricity from her head antennas and fires missiles from her…(Blushes when he realizes what he’s about to say)…breasts.

Lily: Wait, she fires missiles from where!?

Lily: (Laughing her ass off) TITTY MISSILES!!! Oh my God, she shoots TITTY MISSILES!!! ¡Mierda! That is too funny! (Continues laughing)

Mega Man: (Covers his face in embarrassment) 

Emily: (Scolding) Miss Lily!

Lily: (Still laughing, wipes a tear from her eye) What, what?

Emily: (Whispering) This is his sister we’re talking about! Please, try to be more considerate!

Lily: (Looks guilty) Hey, uhhhhhh…..does your sister have any other special forms or whatever?

Mega Man: (Uncovers his face) Well…..no, but she does have vehicles she can drive. First, there’s the Pop N’ Beat, a race car based off of Beat that was used by her when she participated in a racing competition show called ‘Battle and Chase’ I mentioned before, where she went up against dozens of other guys in a race.

Lily: Why does that look exactly like Mario Kart 64? Was there an unspoken rule back in the ‘90s that every game franchise has to have a kart racing spinoff?

Mega Man: (Rubs the back of his head sheepishly) Well, Mario Kart is a really popular game, so it makes sense that a lot of games would try to copy it. Anyways, our robot pets Rush and Beat can actually transform into vehicles, which can really come in handy for pulling off powerful attacks. Rush can turn himself into the Rush Drill, a mini-tank with a mining drill. Beat can transform into a small fighter plane called the Beat Plane.

Lily: Boy, I bet they stayed up all night coming up with those names.

Mega Man: I like to think of them as straightforward. They don’t really need to be fancy as long as you know exactly what they do.

SPECIAL FORM:


HYPER ROLL:
* Fuses with Eddie, Beat, and Rush into a powerful fembot
* Fires titty missiles, antenna lasers, and robot-shaped projectiles

VEHICLES:

POP N’ BEAT KART:
* A go-kart based on Beat’s design.
* Can jump and utilize a spin attack.
* Has a top speed of 440-488 km/h (273-303 mph) (Subsonic level)
* Follow Engine increases max speed if falling behind.
* Feather Wing improves handling.
* Non-Drift tires reduce drift ability for superior off-and-on road performance.


RUSH DRILL:
* Rush transformed as a mini-tank with a drill and jet boosters.


BEAT PLANE:
* Beat transformed as a small plane that fires energy shots and missiles

Mega Man: Sis and me both shared these special moves back when we were in Marvel vs Capcom. We used to spend hours in the Training Stage practicing them on each other.

Emily: Goodness, that sounds dangerous! 

Mega Man: Don’t worry! We’re built pretty tough. Dr. Light built our bodies with a ceramic titanium alloy that can withstand a lot of damage.

Lily: Speaking of which, that leads us perfectly to our last question. We all know by now that as strong as your sister is, she’s not exactly built to be a fighter like you are. So I imagine she’s got plenty of potential weaknesses, am I right?

Mega Man: (Sighs) Unfortunately, yes. As much as I love and respect Dr. Light, nothing he invents is ever flawless, and my sis is no exception.

WEAKNESSES:
* Limited combat experience, especially when compared to other protagonists from Mega Man.
* Can be cowardly and timid, most due to the fact that she is only a little girl mentally.
* Weapons derived from Robot Masters have finite uses.
* Hyper Roll, Rush Drill, and the Beat Plane require outside help to use.
* May act reckless if she loses her temper.
* At some point, probably Shadman
** Rule 34:
*** (SERIOUSLY, DO NOT LOOK THAT SHIT UP!)

Like you said, Roll was created as a housemaid first, meaning that she has less overall experience than me or Proto. Not to mention that some of her weapons have limited use in actual battle, which is why I’m happy you stuck to the ones that can actually do some damage.

Emily: We also have to account that although Roll is a robot, she still has the mentality of a little girl. This means she’s still prone to getting scared and running away when in danger. 

Mega Man: On the other hand, running might be the best tactical option if things get too dangerous. After all, if she panics or gets angry, she might make some really deadly mistakes.

Lily: And don’t forget the one weakness that all loli characters face…RULE 34.

Mega Man: (Confused) Rule 34? Sorry but, what exactly is that?

Lily: (Looks surprised) What? You’ve never heard of that?

Mega Man: Nope. I can’t find any definition for that in my memory banks.

Lily: (Smiles mischievously, looking at Emily) Whaddya think? Should I tell him?

Emily: (Sharply) Don’t even think about it! He may be a robot, but he’s still a child!

Lily: C’mon, he’s gonna have to learn it eventually! Here, I’ll whisper it.

(Lily gestures Mega Man to come closer. He leans in, and Lily whispers in his ear.)

Mega Man: (Shocked) WHAT THE HELL!? Are you serious!?

Lily: (Laughing) Yup! That’s what “Rule 34” means, cariño! Welcome to the Internet!

Mega Man: Now I wish you didn’t tell me! (He closes his eyes and deletes “Rule 34” from his memory.)

Emily: (Scolding) Alright, you’ve had your fun Miss Lily. If you don’t mind, we still have a show to do!

Lily: (Calms down) R–right! Ahem! Anyways, despite her shortcomings (and her designated role as a housemaid), Roll has proven that she’s still capable enough to save the day. But will it be enough to stop Team Rocket? Only time will tell.

(Mega Man receives a notification, which is heard with a small ‘beep’! He answers the call.) 

Mega Man: Hello? (The voice on the other line speaks to him urgently) Wait, now? Already? Okay! Yeah, I’ll be there as soon as I can! Bye! (Exasperated) Damn! Sorry, I gotta go. It’s pretty urgent.

Emily: Is something wrong? Does Dr. Light need your help in the lab?

Lily: Or is Dr. Wily planning another brain-dead scheme for the twelfth time in a row?

Mega Man: Actually it’s neither. I just got called for a match in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Apparently I’m fighting Samus in her full armor.

Emily: Oh, well good luck then! Fight like a champion, as Mr. Louis would say!

Lily: Thank you for being with us today!

Emily: Good luck, Mega Man! It was a fun experience hosting with you!

Mega Man: (Smiles and gives a nod) I’ll be rooting for my sister!

(Mega Man crouches down before teleporting away in a beam of blue light)

Lily: With this prelude on Mega Man’s sister done, let us move on to the next part and bring in our next guest to help give us info on the troublemaking criminal trio: Team Rocket.

(“I still have cleaning and laundry to do, so let’s make this quick!”)

BONUS VIDEO!

 


(Ding!)


(Detective Pikachu walks in through the door on two feet, holding a hot cup of coffee)

Det. Pikachu: Huh, whaddya know? I went to make a stop at the local café to get my fix and I made it just in time for my part! What are the odds of that?

Emily: (Squeals with delight) Oh, look at you! Such an adorable wee mousie! (Rubs Detective Pikachu’s face) You’re so cute, with your little Sherlock Holmes cap and magnifying glass!

Lily: (Facepalms) Ay, Dios mio. This again?

Det. Pikachu: Hey, hey! Knock it off! (Pauses for a few seconds.)

Emily: (Telepathically) (Don’t be nervous, dear. There’s nothing to worry about. Just…..relax.)

Det. Pikachu: (Blushes, he strangely starts to enjoy it.) On second thought….Keep going. (He lays on his back like a dog as Emily continues petting him.)

Lily: (Surprised) Huh? What the–

Emily: That’s it! Who’s a good boy! Who’s a good little yellow mousi–AHH!!! (She’s shocked after accidentally touching the detective’s red cheeks) Agh, I scorched my hands!

Lily: (Holds Emily in concern) Emily! Are you okay, hermana!?

Det. Pikachu: (Gasps) Oh, I’m sorry! Did I shock you? I didn’t mean to!

Emily: (Smiles, groaning) Agh…..It’s all right, lass. (She exhales, channeling her magic to her hands to heal herself. She feels better in seconds) Ahh…..Much better!

Lily: (Astonished) Woah…How’d you heal yourself so fast?

Emily: I just focused a bit of magic into my hands and it took care of the pain right away! I am a medical witch after all!

Lily: You can heal yourself and others just like that? (Smiles) You’re amazing, mija!

Det. Pikachu: Like a human Pokémon center! You should really think of working there!

Emily: (Blushes) Aww, thanks to both of you! Well now, shall we get started?

(Detective Pikachu climbs onto to his seat and sets a couple of documents onto the desk, along with placing his cup of coffee right next to them)

Emily: Before we begin, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to participate with us, detective. I’m sure you must have a very busy schedule.

Det. Pikachu: It’s no problem, girls! (Takes a sip out of his coffee) So, what were we about to do here?

Lily: Before we do anything, there’s one thing I wanna ask: How the FUCK can you talk!? And why do you sound like Ryan Reynolds!?

Det. Pikachu: (Sheepishly) Uh…..Are you sure you wanna know? The reason might come off as a bit….weird to you.

Emily: Oh, trust me dear. Compared to all the other people I’ve met since I was hired, you’re far from the weirdest thing either of us have met. And I’m rather curious myself, so no need to feel embarrassed.

Det. Pikachu: (Sighs, relieved) Alright, if you say so. I was actually a Pikachu belonging to Harry Goodman, a detective working in Ryme City. One day, Harry and I got involved in a car accident while working on a case. Harry went missing, and I lost most of my memories, while somehow gaining the ability to speak and act like a human.

Emily: (Shocked) Oh, you poor thing! Thank God you weren’t killed in that accident!

Lily: (So, car crash equals human language and behavior skills. Gotcha.) So, how did you survive if your owner went missing? Did someone else take care of you?

Det. Pikachu: I was pretty much on my own for about two months since the accident. Eventually I would meet Tim Goodman, Detective Harry’s son who just got admitted into Ryme City University. The two of us started working cases together, both to maintain order in Ryme City, and to find my old partner Harry. As for the Ryan Reynolds voice, well…

What’s even crazier…..this movie actually didn’t suck!

Det. Pikachu: 2019 was a really, really weird year.

Lily: (Pauses, eyes wide) What insane genius made this, and where can I watch it?

Emily: That would be Warner Bros, before they had that asinine idea to merge with Discovery. And if you want to watch it, I actually have it on Amazon Prime!

Lily: (Smiles) We’re having a movie night after this.

Emily: Sounds good to me! Oh, we were just about to start covering Jessie, James, and Meowth of the Team Rocket trio.

Det. Pikachu: Alright, then – Let’s do this!

Det. Pikachu: The wild, wonderful world of Pokémon! Filled with all sorts of colorful powerful creatures, it’s one of those worlds where you can catch several kinds of them and use them to battle others! Lasting over twenty-four years and hundreds of games, TV shows, movies, mangas, and a whole playing card brand, it remains one of Nintendo’s longest-running and successful franchises!

Lily: And one of their most ripped-off. Every game company has jumped on the bandwagon ever since Pokémon hit the scene! (Counting them off on her fingers) I mean, you got Digimon, Monster Rancher, Yo-kai Watch,–and those are just the ones I know about!

Det. Pikachu: Ah, but none of them have an adorable and clever talking monster like me, do they?

Emily: Um…since Miss Lily brought up Yo-kai Watch

Det. Pikachu: What the–who the heck are these posers?

Emily: Nate Adams and Jibanyan from Yo-Kai Watch. 

Lily: Now what did I tell ya? And when did their game come out?

Emily: The first one came out in 2013, if I’m not mistaken. Ironically, Nintendo themselves published it three years before the Detective Pikachu game!

Lily: Sorry, cariño. Looks like they beat you to it!

Det. Pikachu: (Miffed) Just ‘cuz they did it first don’t mean they did it best! Anyways, given the endless variety of colorful Pokémon out there, you’d think that surely such a world will be free of trouble and crime?

Lily: HA! As an ex-burglar and gang member, I can safely tell you that there’s no such thing as a crime-free place.

Det. Pikachu: (Gesturing to his hat) And as a detective, I can say you’re absolutely right! Because Pokémon are such a valuable commodity, many criminal organizations have risen with the intent of capturing and exploiting them. Sometimes for their power. Other times for the profit they can bring in. But the oldest and most notorious of these villainous teams is none other than Team Rocket!

Det. Pikachu: The Team Rocket organization was founded by a criminal boss named Giovanni. He built the company from the ground up, amassing a vast private army of thieves and mercenaries. Giovanni and his lieutenants formed Team Rocket with only one goal: to kidnap, train, and sell rare Pokémon to become the most powerful crime gang in the world!

Emily: (Disgusted) How despicable! Poaching animals and abusing them for profit!? Damn those lowlife thieves! (Blushes) Uh–no offense, Miss Lily!

Lily: (Chuckles) It’s all good, mija. (Pokemon thieves, huh? Sounds pretty badass. I wonder if they’re hiring?) Are there any criminal gangs besides Team Rocket?

Det. Pikachu: (Groans) Agh, where do I even start!? (Counts on what few fingers he has) You have Team Magma, Team Aqua, Galactic, Plasma, Flare, Skull, Yell–some others probably I don’t even know about yet! Heck, there’s even a Team Rainbow Rocket that’s literally all the aforementioned teams combined!

You pretty much get the idea.

Lily: These are the Pokémon criminal gangs? What the hell is this, a convention? They look like they should be signing autographs, not committing crimes!

Emily: Questionable fashion sense aside, I reckon that each of these Teams are more dangerous than they appear.

Det. Pikachu: Well, all except for Team Skull. Those amateurs are so lame that they weren’t even allowed into Team Rainbow Rocket. And that’s not even mentioning Team Yell.

Lily: Damn. That’s pretty harsh. Anyways, let’s get back on track. We’ve talked about Team Rocket as they’re portrayed in the games, but what about the anime?

Det. Pikachu: As far as the anime goes, they’re largely the same. They’re still run by Giovanni and have the same goals and modus operandi. However! Since the anime is a serialized kid’s show, there needs to be a recurring villain for the heroes to confront and defeat every episode. And to fill that role, we have the infamous trio of wannabe Pokémon poachers: Jessie, James, and Meowth!


TEAM ROCKET TRIO:
* Names (Left to right): James, Meowth, Jessie
* First Appearance: Pokémon EP002 “Pokémon Emergency!” (1997-1998)
* Ages: 25 (Jessie), 25 (James), 3 (Meowth, human years)
* Occupation: Pokémon Thieves, Burglars, Wannabe Terrorists
* Affiliation: Team Rocket Company
* Theme Song:


Det. Pikachu: The Trio are the main villains (and sometimes allies) of Ash Ketchum and his friends. Their motivation is the same as any Team Rocket member: to steal rare and powerful Pokémon and deliver them to their boss. However, they’re mainly after one Pokémon in particular–a fellow Pikachu like me. The one belonging to Ash himself.

Lily: Must be one hell of a Pikachu for the three of them to spend every episode trying to steal it. 

Emily: Must be rather confusing for them to have the same group name as their organization.

Det. Pikachu: Surprisingly enough, it isn’t. Given that the trio show up far more often than the organization in the show. Anyways, each of the three have their own reasons to join Team Rocket, mainly seeing it as a way to escape from their problems.

Lily: (Understanding) Well, I of all people can definitely relate to that. So, what’s their story? Are they trying to get out of debt or escape a really toxic family?

Det. Pikachu: Not too far off the mark, actually! (Takes out several documents and sets them on the desk)

Lily: ¡Me chingados! You got the whole freaking rap sheet for all of them!?

Emily: Goodness! You’ve definitely put a lot of work into this!

Det. Pikachu: (Smirks proudly) They don’t call me “detective” for nothing! Better hang onto your glasses, ladies. Because we’ll spend a while here talking about each of their backstories. I’ll start off with the fiery redhead of the trio: Jessie!

Det. Pikachu: (Clears throat) Jessie had a very rough childhood, which I think you’ll find to be a running theme with this gang. She’s the daughter of Miyamoto, a high-ranking member of Team Rocket. During an expedition to an ancient rainforest, Miyamoto was the first ever person to have gotten evidence of Mew’s existence in the form of a video recording. After showing this evidence to Madame Boss, Miyamoto was sent out again to find Mew with the goal of capturing it. Being torn on having to leave her own daughter behind, Miyamoto put Jessie into an orphanage before setting off on the mission, and she never came back.

Lily: (Sighs deeply) So Jessie was an orphan, too. Just like me.

Emily: (Sympathetic) Oh, Miss Lily….I’m so sorry.

Det. Pikachu: If it helps, it’s implied that Miyamoto is still alive somewhere. At some point, Jessie was adopted by a foster family, but that didn’t improve her life much. The family was very poor, to the point that they often had to eat snow during the winter. 

Lily: (Looks depressed, as if she has similar childhood memories)

Det. Pikachu: (Concerned) Hey, if this is bringing up bad memories, we can–

Lily: (Firmly) No. It–it’s fine. What else happened in Jessie’s childhood?

Det. Pikachu: As a kid, Jessie had two best friends who she shared a dream of becoming a pop idol with. But those dreams ended when both her friends passed away. As a teenager, Jessie went and tried to become a Pokémon nurse, only to get rejected, forcing her to enroll into a nursing school that’s intended for Chansey. Although she actually turned out to be a decent nurse, she ultimately failed on account of not being able to use “Sing” to put patients to sleep.

Jessie as a student in Chansey nurse school.

Lily: (Angered) Now, that’s some bullshit! Obviously she’s not a Chansey, so there’s no way she’d be able to pass! That’s like sending a blind kid to an art school! 

Emily: (Touches Lily’s shoulder) I agree with you, but please try to stay calm, Miss Lily. Did Jessie have any luck anywhere else?

Det. Pikachu: Well, certainly not in the romance department. Jessie had a number of boyfriends, all of whom either ditched her or treated her poorly.  However, she did manage to take on a lot of jobs in the past, which include from being a model to a style consultant. Heck, she was even a flippin’ ninja at one point!

Lily: She was a goddamn ninja!? Damn, our chica’s doing pretty good for herself. Makes me wonder why the hell she didn’t join the military with a resume like that. Anyways, how did she end up joining Team Rocket, and why?

Det. Pikachu: Surprisingly, there’s not much I can say about that. I guess maybe she just wants to follow in her mother’s footsteps. Or perhaps even find out if her mom is still alive or not.

Lily: Well, at least the girl still has her dreams.

Emily: Aye. I pray for her sake that she does find her mum someday. (Looks down slightly, thinking of her dead mother) 

Emily: Shall we move onto her partner James, then?

Det. Pikachu: Sure thing!

Det. Pikachu: James’ life was the exact opposite of Jessie’s. He grew up the only child of two ridiculously wealthy parents. But James wasn’t exactly cut out for upper-class life. His super-strict parents forced him to endure every single lesson on being “proper,” but he just never caught on.

Emily: I know all too well the pressures of living in a wealthy home. You get all the pleasures of the world, but your whole life is governed by strict rules dictated by stubborn old men. But how does a man who came from a rich family end up with a criminal gang?

Det. Pikachu: I’ll answer that with one word: Jessebelle.

Lily: (Raises an eyebrow) What the hell is a “Jessie-bell?” What, is that his long-lost cousin or something?

Emily: Are you sure you don’t mean, “Jezebel?”

Det. Pikachu: (Cringes) No, I really mean “Jessebelle”. (Pauses) She is…James’ fiancee.

Lily and Emily: ARE YOU SERIOUS!? JAMES HAS A FIANCEE!?

Det. Pikachu: Well, more accurately, she’s the daughter of another rich family who had their parents arrange a marriage between her and James. Jessebelle was more than happy to go along with it, but James……wasn’t. And not for a bad reason, either. Jessebelle’s the definition of a crazy, domineering spouse, which caused James to run away just to get away from her!

Emily: Deary me, she looks almost exactly like Jessie! Come to think of it, it must be awkward working alongside a woman who bears such an uncanny resemblance to your crazy ex-fiancee.

Det. Pikachu: Oh, trust me, they didn’t ignore that either! And to be fair – it’s implied that James DID actually love Jessebelle at one point in his childhood, even writing a love letter to her…That is, before he changed his mind after he saw how obsessive she really is, and buried that letter inside a box forever.

Lily: I don’t really blame him for wanting to get away from that crazy bitch. And his parents just went along with it?

Det. Pikachu: Pretty much. They don’t just want James to marry her, they actually need him to. As the only child, they need him to inherit the family fortune, or else everything they own gets sent to charity. They went so far as to fake their own deaths just to trick James into marrying Jessebelle.

Emily: (Grimaces a bit) Dear God, not even my own dad and brother are this overly strict! I may not approve of James joining a criminal gang to escape his problems, but I can definitely understand it. Well, that’s two members down, and one to go. Shall we go over Meowth, please?

Det. Pikachu: I’m glad we brought up bad relationships, because that perfectly brings us to Meowth

Lily: (Flippantly) What, did Meowth also learn how to speak English after getting hit by a car?

Det. Pikachu: Nope, he was just an ordinary stray Pokemon trying his hardest to live. As a kitten, he once got in trouble over tipping over a basket full of baseballs, which he mistook as riceballs in a state of hunger-induced delusion.

Emily: (Horrified) Oh! That poor wee kitten!

Lily: Over a basket full of baseballs? Jesus, that guy should be arrested for animal abuse.

Det. Pikachu: After escaping his overly harsh punishment, Meowth managed to catch a showing of a Hollywood movie. Inspired by the movie, Meowth hitchhiked his way to Hollywood and lived with a gang of stray Meowth. He shortly met and fell in love with a female named Meowzie.

Emily: (Blushes) How sweet! Did they end up together?

Det. Pikachu: Unfortunately, Meowzie shot him down, saying that a human was able to provide whatever she wanted. Also, she happened to be in love with a Persian who was the leader of the gang of alley Meowth. A classic love triangle.

Lily: (Disgusted) What a stuck-up bitch!

Emily: (Infuriated) Absolutely! I hope Meowth didn’t take that lying down!

Det. Pikachu: Wanting to win Meowzie’s affection, Meowth taught himself to walk and talk like a human, and actually succeeded! He would later fight the boss Persian in a one-on-one duel and actually won! But all that turned out to be for nothing when the Meowzie chose the defeated Persian over Meowth, deeming him to be nothing more than a freak.

Lily: (Outraged) Are you fucking serious!? ¡Joder a esa pequeña felina superficial!

Emily: (Seething) Coming from someone who loves cats and owns one….I hope Meowzie and her boyfriend both get hit by a truck.

Det. Pikachu: (Slowly nodding along with Emily) Just goes to show that some people are just not worth the hassle. Anyways, the three later would eventually meet for the first time at Team Rocket Academy, where the organization was training new recruits. While they were initially somewhat cold to each other, they’ve learned to understand and trust each other, ultimately becoming the inseparable trio they are today!

Lily: Unfortunately for these three, being inseparable is not the same as being invincible.

Det. Pikachu: Believe it or not, they actually started out as being notorious criminals who were legitimate threats. But that changed upon eventually coming across a certain trainer from Pallet Town during one of their heists. Their first defeat at Ash’s hands completely wrecked whatever credibility the trio had before. Somehow, they came to the conclusion that his Pikachu was more powerful than the other members of its species, and have sought to capture him for their boss ever since.

(Apologies for getting the abridged version. This was the only one I could find with any footage.)

Det. Pikachu: By the way, this was the first of many, many times they got blasted off!

Lily: HOLY SHIT! No wonder they think that Pikachu is so powerful! The damn thing just nuked an entire Pokémon Center!

Emily: Can….You do anything like that, Detective?

Det. Pikachu: (Rubs the back of his head) Hehehehe….No, nothing that big, unfortunately. I don’t have the power of anime with me, so I’m just a regular ol’ Pikachu stats wise. Ash’s Pikachu on the other hand has often squared off and even beaten Legendary Pokémon! Even after twenty-odd years, 24 seasons, and literally thousands of episodes, the Trio are still trying to steal the famous Pikachu!

Lily: (Stunned) Hold on, they’ve been doing this twenty fucking years? This anime started in 1997, right? If that’s the case, shouldn’t Ash be well into his 40’s by now?

Emily: (Touches chin curiously) Come to think of it, how would Ash look as an adult?

(Adult Ash Ketchum artwork, by Emdyofficial.)

Emily: (Blushes, feeling warm under her cloak) (Bloody hell, he’s gorgeous!)

Lily: Oh, my God! How did he grow up to be so goddamn hot!? Why can’t we have that in the anime?

Det. Pikachu: Most likely it’s because Nintendo still wants to market the franchise to a younger audience, so they keep Ash at ten years old. It’s like how Charlie Brown or Bart Simpson never age even when their shows do. Anyways, now it’s time to move onto the part you two have probably been waiting for: The stuff they can do in battle!

Lily: ¡Bien! Now that we’re past the backstories, can you tell us what these three are capable of, physicality-wise?

Det. Pikachu: Sure! There have been cases of humans back in my world actually being a whole lot tougher than the ones in the real world. But Jessie and James here in particular take the cake! Jessie in particular once managed to stop a flying Dragonite with nothing more than just a simple frying pan. James himself is physically no pushover either, as he can bust holes through stone walls with an improvised hammer. It can even be said that they’re both stronger than Ash, given that James easily restrained him and knocked him away with a flick to the head during the one time he tried to attack Team Rocket himself. 

Emily: Well, at least that explains why Ash hardly tries that method when it comes to dealing with Team Rocket. But then again, this is the same boy who tried to punch out Mewtwo.

Lily: Yeah, and look how that ended for him..

Lily: (Facepalms) What the hell did you expect to happen, cabrón!?

Det. Pikachu: I never said Ash was known for his brains. But regardless, Ash is at least strong enough to pick up Cosmoem, who–according to the Pokédex–weighs a whoppin’ 2,204 pounds! And given Cosmoem’s status and position as the Protostar Pokémon, it’s possible that it could actually be even heavier than that.

Lily: Damn! Two thousand pounds!? What is this kid’s workout routine!? If he’s that strong, why has he never thought to straight-up punch out Team Rocket himself?

Det. Pikachu: (Sighs) Because that didn’t exactly work out, either.

Lily: (Embarassed) Ay de mi.

Emily: Perhaps Ash is better off just letting his Pokémon do the fighting for him. But we’re not here to talk about him–what are Team Rocket capable of in terms of strength?

Det. Pikachu: Meowth himself is no slouch in strength, either. His claws can easily slash through metal, and he has shown himself to be able to keep up with Pokémon who are a lot more used to battling than he is. Heck, he’s even capable of generating a tornado just by slashing furiously at the air! Either way, you’re probably in for pain when this cat scratches your face.

Emily: (Chuckles) That’s nothing. You should’ve seen what happened to my brother Edward when he tried to give our cat Duchess a bath. Are there any physical feats the trio have accomplished together?

Det. Pikachu: Hmm… I’d say that their arguably greatest strength feat is the fact that they’re able to consistently hurt or beat each other up, which in itself is actually pretty amazing considering what they constantly survive on a frequent basis. Which includes but is not limited to: attacks from random Pokémon, getting caught in giant explosions, getting sent miles high into the sky, falling into deep ravines, getting sucked into tornadoes–and that’s just the “normal” stuff! In one episode, they’ve been blown so high that they’ve literally performed re-entry from Space!

Emily: (Astonished) From bloody Space!? How on Earth did they come back down without freezing, burning up, or asphyxiating!? And that’s not even accounting for the impact of the fall!

Lily: What the fuck even sent them that high up in the first place?

Det. Pikachu: (Shrugs) Whaddya think? Another failed attempt to kidnap Pikachu.

Lily: And all of this is normal for them!? These guys would give Wile E. Coyote a run for his money for the amount of bullshit they survive! 

Det. Pikachu: You wanna know just how much they’ve survived from Pikachu? Remember when I said that the Pikachu they keep trying to steal could keep up with Legendary Pokémon? Ash’s Pikachu once managed to destroy Mirage Mewtwo, who’s arguably superior to the original! 

Emily: (Sniffles, tears up) (That poor, poor Mew. Why did it have to die?)

Lily: Wow…You really weren’t kidding about Ash’s Pikachu being stronger than the average one.

Emily: Now that we’re nearing the end of the physical stats section, are there any speed feats the three have shown?

Det. Pikachu: Well, it is consistently shown that Ash’s Pikachu can react to natural lightning in time to cancel it out. And this is not just a reaction feat either, it shows that his Thunderbolt is on par with actual lightning speed-wise. The reason I’m saying all this is because they’ve proved themselves to be rather quick enough to get out of the attack’s way on several occasions. In addition, they were able to dodge Bulbasaur’s Solar Beam, which is literally a ray of concentrated sunlight.

Lily: Though for some reason, they rarely ever make the effort to dodge an attack. I mean, if you see an attack coming, why not just dodge it instead?

Det. Pikachu: Maybe they know when they’re beat…? (Gives a shrug)

Lily: Like Dr. Wily knew when he was beat? That is to say, never?

Det. Pikachu: Okay, maybe they’re just stupid.

Lily: Yeah, seems more like it.

Emily: Well, whatever the case, I daresay that we’ve covered their physicality. Let’s put what we haven’t covered on the list and move on to the next part!

FEATS:

TOGETHER:
* Survived over 700 blast-offs in the anime (as of this writing).
* Escaped an island with giant animatronic Pokémon.
* H
elped their Arbok and Weezing escape from a Pokémon Poacher’s Tyranitar:
** Also saved the captured Ekans and Koffing in the process.
* Became somewhat competent after being promoted
* Unintentionally saved Unova–and the world–by breaking a possessed Giovanni from the Reflection Mirror.
* Made an edited video to take credit for the fall of Team Flare.

JESSIE:
* Caught Seviper by angrily beating the crap out of it after it bit off part of her hair.
* Qualified to the Top Four of the Grand Sinnoh Festival and the Kalos Master Class.
* Actually tends to place high in Pokémon contests fairly and without cheating.

JAMES:
* Dodged several attempts at being married to Jessibelle.
* Won a Pokémon Contest in Lilypad Town as “Jessilina” (with very large fake boobs)
* Got to the top five of the Alola Pokémon League.

MEOWTH:
* One of the few Pokémon that are naturally capable of speaking the human language. (Legendaries and other Pokémon who can speak use telepathic means.)
* Defeated a Persian that was the leader of a pack of other Meowth in a duel.
* Defeated Brock’s Onix. (Albeit by weakening it with a bucket of water)
* Was worshiped as a god by an island tribe.
* Took down Ash’s Infernape and Staraptor, Jessie’s Seviper and Yanmega, and Dawn’s Togekiss by using “Fury Swipes of Love” when he was in love with a Glameow.
* Tricked Ash and his team into thinking he was on their side THREE TIMES.

PHYSICALITY:


STRENGTH:
TOGETHER:
* Managed to pull down a boulder much larger than themselves.
* Consistently beat each other up.
* Can actually jump pretty high.
* Constantly dig deep pitfalls into the ground:
** Once dug a pitfall so deep that it crashed Cassidy’s helicopter.
** Can dig a tunnel through the underground with shovels rather quickly.
* Were able to run through a wall with enough force to burst through it without slowing down.
* Can send others flying a short distance with a kick.
* Leaped out of a deep pothole filled with cement, despite being frozen in it themselves:
** Managed to break out of the hardened cement on their own.
*Are able to break out of being encased in ice if they’re frozen solid.
* Likely stronger than Ash, who can casually lift Cosmoem (see above).
*  Were able to halt a Dragonite in mid-flight.
** An average Dragonite weighs appx 463.0 lbs and flies up to 1,556 mph (2,505 km/h).
* Helped Ash and Goh fish out a giant Magikarp
* Able to resist getting pulled into the spirit world even with their life force draining.

JESSIE:
* Can deliver a Fury Swipes of her own to her opponent (scratching them in the face hard enough to leave deep, painful scratch marks.)
* Can loudly shout with enough force to push someone slightly away as if it were wind.
* Effortlessly hoisted James by his leg and swung him around.
* Shattered a Pokéball by stomping on it.
* Casually chucked a Snubbull many feet across the forest.
* Hammered Meowth into a rock wall hard enough to leave a sizable crater.
* Lifted a giant Articuno statue while being suspended by a rope.
* Along with James, delivered an uppercut to Meowth so hard that he was sent airborne until 7:37 in the show’s runtime.

JAMES:
* Busted a hole through a cave wall using a makeshift rock-hammer.
* Casually restrained an enraged Ash by holding his hand out to his forehead.
* Was able to sever a rope tied around himself and his team and then bust the door down with a shoulder tackle.
* Intercepted a Tentacruel by its tentacles before flinging it away.
** Said tentacles are actually poisonous
* See Jessie’s last Feat.

MEOWTH:
* Tore out of ropes restraining him.
* His scratches are generally painful enough to make the victim cry out in pain and cover their faces.
* Can effortlessly slice through metal with his claws.
* Freed a frozen Meowth by shattering the ice with a kick.
* Weakened Brock’s Onix with a water bucket and defeated it with a Scratch attack.
* Defeated a Persian (who was the leader of a pack of wild Meowth) in a duel.
* Took down Barry’s Empoleon (A steel-type Pokèmon, who is normally resistant to normal-type attacks) with a single Scratch attack.
* Damaged a Tyranitar (An armored Pokémon who is much larger and weighs 445.3 lbs.) with Fury Swipes.
* Can swipe both of his claws with enough intensity to leave them smoking like discharged guns.
* Can scratch a sheet of glass with enough force to make multiple visible soundwaves.
* Able to latch onto and climb most surfaces by digging his claws through them.
* Easily pulls and drag around both Jessie and James at the same time by rope.
* Struggled evenly with Ash’s Pikachu over who would break the other’s fall:
** Meowth ended up cushioning Pikachu’s fall
* Claws can easily carve large blocks of ice into sculptures.
* Overwhelmed Ash’s Bulbasaur using Scratch attacks during a Grass battle tournament.
* Tanked a Hidden Attack from Serena’s Fennekin and tore it to shreds with Fury Swipes.
* Briefly supported James by using his tail to hang on to a ledge.
* Surprisingly excellent baseball pitcher
* Strong enough to be capable of creating tornadoes just by rapidly swiping at the air.


DURABILITY:
TOGETHER:
* Insane durability thanks to Toon Force
* Comparable to most of the Pokemon cast, who’ve survived similar things.
* Regularly survives powerful point-blank explosions and attacks.
* Survived getting blasted off literally miles away
* Tanks getting zapped by Pikachu’s Thunderbolt:
** Thunderbolt is powerful enough to tear up earth, clash against Tapu Koko’s electricity, and vaporize large objects.
** Killed the supposedly superior Mirage version of Mewtwo
** Meowth survived Thunder, and upgraded version of Thunderbolt
* Survived literal re-entry into Earth and shrugged it off. (Shown above gif)
* Can even survive being blasted off far throughout outer space.
* Cutting attacks can’t lethally slice/pierce through their skin.
* Gained decent resistance/immunity against electricity.
* Sometimes they have shown to be outright unaffected by fire attacks.
* Tanked being hit with Draco Meteor, which is a literal shower of multiple meteors.
* Endured getting brutally beaten by a Pokémon Poacher’s Tyranitar.
* Survived being hit by a mass Pikachu Thunderbolt attack that blew up an entire Pokémon Center
* Survived beatings from creatures bigger and stronger than themselves Fell from a skyscraper platform with enough force to smash through the concrete sidewalk.
* Survived getting stung repeatedly by a group of poisonous Beedrill
* Tanked by being hit by Pikachu’s Z-Move, ‘10,000,000 Volt Thunderbolt’:
** Said move is capable of finishing off Tapu Koko and one-shotting Fused Lusamine.
* Survived other Z-Moves such as Continental Crush and Inferno Overdrive.
* Endured having much of their life force energy drained by several Litwick.
* Implied to have survived being attacked by Sharpedo. (Just one Sharpedo is said to be enough to tear apart a supertanker)
* Survived being attacked underwater by a pair of angry Gyarados with their Hyper Beams:
** Hyper Beam is powerful enough to incinerate anything it hits.
* Tanked getting blasted by dual Hyper Beams from both Registeel and Regice.
* Tanked a direct Hyper Beam from Regigigas, who is Multi-Continental in power.
* Endured being squeezed by Bewear, which had enough strength to make Wobbuffet’s soul ooze out of his mouth.
* Survived getting hit by a Blastoise’s Hydro Pump, which can punch holes through thick steel.
* Survived a Gyarados’s Dragon Rage.
* Survived nearly drowning in a deep ocean.
* Should be comparable to Cassidy and Bob, who tanked getting blasted out through their metal underwater base by Lugia.

JESSIE:
* Survived a diet of eating snow that lasted throughout her childhood.
* Tends to order own Pokémon to use attacks on her simply for performances during contests and showcases.
* Ate one of Misty’s Purple Surprise snacks without becoming sick:
** All of Ash, Brock, and May’s Pokémon were knocked out just by eating a single Pokéblock of May’s Purple Surprise.
** Similarly can stomach Misty’s Mystery Stew
* Getting licked by her Lickitung only pisses her off
** Lickitung’s Lick paralyzes victims
* Along with James, got up with no injury after a point-blank shot from a tank.

JAMES:
*Drank enough soda to float an aircraft carrier (just to collect the bottlecaps)
* Survived being crushed by a giant boulder and falling down a ravine with it.
* Constantly survives being poisoned by his own Marearnie:
** Implied that Marearnie actually holds back her full venom.
* See Jessie’s last Durability entry.

MEOWTH:
* Survived being inflamed and crushed by Ash’s Charizard.
* Can pop his face back to shape after being caved in.
* Thrown by a giant Tentacruel across a city and into a damaged ferris wheel:
** The impact caused the ferris wheel to fall.
* Shrugged off getting kicked away by Pheromosa, an Ultra Beast.
* Was blasted by Squirtle’s Water Gun with enough force to be sent flying into a faraway island:
** This all happened within fourteen seconds (in the show’s time)
* Implied to have endured starvation for a long period of time before joining Team Rocket
* Was still able to function normally as a head after having the rest of his body turned to stone by Hunter J.
* Avoided death several times after accidentally seeing Mimikyu without its disguise.


SPEED:
TOGETHER:
* Constantly zip around at blurrish speeds.
* Are able to outrun Ash, his friends, and their Pokémon.
* Outran an Effect Spore gas outbreak, which saturated all of Fula City.
* Kept up with a speeding motorboat on foot.
* Were able to dodge the transporting Pokéballs in Cyberspace, which seemed to be moving at the same speed as Internet data.
* Outran a giant rolling boulder through a hall.
* Outran an entire swarm of Scyther, which are generally said to be very swift and ninja-like.
* Dodged an incoming Solar Beam from Ash’s Bulbasaur. (See above gif)
* Reacted to a combined attack of Pikachu’s Electro Ball and several of Roggenrola’s Flash Cannon in time to escape the explosion via jetpack.
* Has dodged gunfire from the Warden of the Safari Zone.
* Once actually dodged several of Pikachu’s Thunderbolts consecutively.

JESSIE:
* Dodged a Sonic Boom attack, which is exactly what the name says it is.
* Leaped onboard a speeding motorboat without any issue.
* Outran a treadmill while competing against Cassidy.

JAMES:
* Dodged several bullwhip strikes from Jessiebelle, which are around the speed of sound.
* Both he and Meowth ran to ground floor of a skyscraper to catch a falling Jessie.
** (They failed to catch her, however)

MEOWTH:
* Dodged a series of Razor Leaves from Ash’s Bulbasaur.
* While in mid-air, sliced up dozens of Touga Berries with his claws into an intricate three-heart sculpture.
* Once casually shut the door on Pikachu’s Thunderbolt at point-blank range before it could reach him.
* Can swipe at the air fast enough to actually create a tornado.
* Can quickly carve and shape large blocks of ice into ice sculptures within seconds.
8 Has dodged lasers before.

Emily: So, do the members of Team Rocket themselves have special abilities aside from their physical traits?

Det. Pikachu: Actually, they do! Being classic comedic relief villains, they notably have the inexplicable ability to use what some call, ‘Toon Force’, which allows them to survive almost everything and pull off various wacky cartoon stunts such as defying physics and pulling stuff out of nowhere. For example, Miss Lily, remember when you brought up Wile E. Coyote a few minutes ago?

Lily: Si. What’s he got to do with this?

Det. Pikachu: Remember those scenes where the coyote runs off a cliff, stands in midair for a few seconds and then falls down?

Emily: (Laughing adorably like a little girl)

Det. Pikachu: TA-DAAAAA!!! And that’s just a taste of what Toon Force can do! And thanks to that ability, they can also heal from most injuries in a short amount of time, to the point that they can regenerate from being literally crushed into dust! 

Lily: Are these guys even human at this point?

Emily: I hate to interrupt, but I just remembered something. Unless I’m mistaken, I think Team Rocket managed to get a Z-Ring in the Sun and Moon season, aye?

Det. Pikachu: That’s correct, Miss Emily!

Lily: That thing looks like something he got from the toy section at Target. What, does it glow and make loud noises when you push the top? 

Det. Pikachu: Don’t underestimate that thing! That Z-Ring is not something to be messed with! It allows the user’s Pokémon to summon a black hole out of nowhere before literally hurling it at their opponent! Or at least the ones who know at least one dark-type move, anyways.

Lily: Wait, wait–hold on! That thing allows Pokémon to use black holes as a weapon!?

Det. Pikachu: You got it! Not bad for a kid’s toy, ain’t it? Speaking of Pokémon moves – Meowth also has two exclusive abilities of his own. The first one is”Gigantamaxing”, which allows him to grow to the size of a skyscraper! Or heck, maybe even bigger given that unusually-long torso of his. This also gives him access to the exclusive “G-Max Gold Rush” move, which makes giant gold coins burst out from the ground like a water geyser!

Lily: (Contemplating, as if she’s planning to steal some) Giant gold coins, you say? Can these be collected after the battle?

Det. Pikachu: Actually, yes they can!

Lily: (Note to self: Capture a Meowth as soon as possible.)

Det. Pikachu: However, the trio currently don’t have a Dynamax Band on hand, so this is pretty much irrelevant.

Lily: (Damn!) 

Emily: That’s disappointing. In that case, does Meowth have any other special powers? 

Det. Pikachu: Well, there’s one more, but I’m not really sure how it’s even effective. Apparently, Meowth has access to the “Power of Love.” 

Lily: (Rolls eyes) Ugh. This cliché? Don’t tell me he kills people by kissing them or something.

Emily: (Literal hearts in her eyes) (Oh, that sounds so adorable!)

Det. Pikachu: No, nothing like that. Basically, whenever Meowth is deeply attracted to someone, he becomes so stupidly powerful that he can pretty much destroy any opponent, no matter how strong! This might even be what helped Meowth defeat Persian in their duel over Meowzie.

Lily: Well, I can respect that at least. Although that bitch Meowzie definitely wasn’t worth the effort.

Emily: (Disappointed sigh) Couldn’t agree more. What about Jessie and James? What special abilities do they have?

Det. Pikachu: Uhh…(flips through his notes quickly)…not much to say, honestly. (Finds a page with useful info) Aha! According to this page, they can (Looks baffled as he reads more on this ability) “Slip through tight restraints by exhaling so much oxygen that they deflate themselves like balloons?” 

Lily: (Astonished) Huh? Okay, what the fuck!? How do you exhale so much that you can just get super-thin like that? Are all their bones and organs made of rubber or something?

Emily: (Looks excited) This is fascinating! How does that even work? Only one way to find out! (Begins to exhale out all her air)

Lily: Emi! No, wait–

(As she exhales, Emily’s body begins to actually shrivel up, until she becomes as thin as a lamppost.)

Emily: (Barely able to breathe) AGH! I–I think I might’ve overdone it a wee bit. (Smiles weakly) Can somebody help me out?

Lily: (Gives a little sigh) Ay, Dios mio. Okay, lie down on your back. I know how to give CPR.

Emily: (Blushes nervously) (Wait! You’re gonna do what!? Our lips our going to–)

(Lily lies the flattened Emily down and exhales into her mouth. Pikachu looks on, confused but somewhat aroused at the sight of two girls kissing.)

Det. Pikachu: (Slowly turning to the screen) Oh! Uhh–I guess that wraps up their special abilities! We’ll get back to you once Emily’s all better! (Chuckles nervously)

SPECIAL ABILITIES:


TOON FORCE:
TOGETHER:
* Constantly break the laws of physics with some light reality warping.
* Any injuries suffered to their bodies (MOSTLY) heal quickly off-screen
* Gives them enhanced physical attributes/abilities.
* Can be crushed, flattened, and/or stretched and still reform shortly afterward with little to no injury.
* Can reform from completely dissolving into dust/powder and then being scattered away by the air.
* Can stay suspended in the air for a moment before falling. (Like Wile E. Coyote!)
* Morph their entire bodies (save for their heads) into a giant ball and roll around like a speeding tire.
* Can pull off the Scooby Doo-esque gag of entering into one place, only to reappear from a different place.
* Can pull off a Batman. (Immediately disappearing the moment someone turns around.)
* Hide behind flat surfaces. (Such as hiding behind fake wallpaper against a wall.)
 * Somehow make a vehicle dance just by celebrating inside it.
* Their Pokémon can fight Ghost-types, as long as the attacks aren’t Normal-type or Fighting-type.
* Can somehow talk/breathe in space.
* Once appeared in a different dimension called the Mirror World.
* Also managed to escape the Mirror World despite it being almost sunset:
** A person who doesn’t escape the Mirror World by sunset is trapped forever
*** BFR Immunity?

JESSIE:
* When angered, can actually breathe fire.
* Teleported with Jessie and Meowth onto the Meowth Balloon via magic trick.
* Somehow successfully commanded a Charizard to use “Dig” (A move that the species can’t learn without being taught prior to evolution.)
* Can reform from shattering to pieces.

JAMES:
* Once actually turned Super Saiyan.
* Can reform from shattering to pieces.

MEOWTH:
* Can reform from being inflated/deflated like a balloon.
* Can get hit so hard that his facial features fly off of his face, only for them to immediately re-attach.
* If he falls, can scuttle back up a wall and grab the nearest ledge.
* Also floats in the air and moves around while scuttling his legs.
* Seems to be able to teleport somehow?
* Can walk up walls and on top of ceilings like Spider-Man:
** Even while playing a guitar!
* Can squeeze his body out of any restraints he happens to be tied to.
* Hides behind objects that are too thin to properly hide him. (Such as thin trees)
* Knows a magic trick to make objects or people disappear by throwing a sheet over them and then removing it.
* Can fly around like a rocket after eating something spicy, even into Space.
*
 When happy, can literally blast off on his own into the universe and come back on-screen in seconds
* Has a somewhat stretchy rubber body
* Can slightly alter his own body to imitate the appearance of someone else.
*
Immune to noxious gasses due to not having a nose:
** He’s still capable of smelling, strangely.


FOURTH-WALL BREAKING:
* Sometimes make references to franchises outside of the Pokémon series.
* Often acknowledge real-world things such as the writers, cartoonists, seasons, scripts, the audience, time slots, commercials, etc.
* Somehow know when a flashback or a commercial break is about to occur.
* Aware of any background music playing during a scene.
* Like the audience, they are aware that neither they nor Ash have ever aged.
* Sometimes take over as the narrator depending on the story.
* Can interact with the camera.
* Can pop up on-screen inside of a speech bubble, even when they are off-screen.
* Also interact with split screens, like pushing it onto someone on the other side to shove them away.
* Have actually reached out to the real world and hijacked The Official Pokémon Youtube Channel in order to try to recruit people into joining Team Rocket.
* Has also hosted Team Rocket’s Secret Empire, a real-life radio show exclusive to Japan.

MEOWTH:
* Can actually cross over and interact with the real world:
** May be able to bring Jessie and James along with him.
* Has a 4th-Wall-manipulating remote control


BLACK HOLE ECLIPSE (POKÉMON ONLY):
* Requires a Z-Ring and Darkinium Z in order to perform this attack.
* Also requires the user to have at least one Dark-Type attack for this move.
* Any of the Pokèmon are capable of performing this move, as long as they know a move that is Dark-Type.


THE POWER OF LOVE (MEOWTH ONLY):
* When infatuated, Meowth will gain an ENORMOUS boost in power.
* Easily curbstomped any Pokémon that were sent to attack him.
* Possibly what helped him defeat Persian in their duel.
* Claims that he can defeat both Palkia and Dialga at the same time:
** (Likely a huge exaggeration)
* Highly circumstantial. Requires Meowth to fall in love with feel that the relationship between them is being threatened.


GIGANTAMAX FORM (MEOWTH ONLY):
* So far, only accessible by Meowth:
** However, he can only do so in certain cases:
*** Near a Power Spot
*** Struck by Eternasus’ Dynamax Cannon
* That makes this form also very cirmumstantial
* Allows Meowth to perform the “G-Max Gold Rush”, which summons giant gold kobans from the ground that smash the opponent

HYPNOSIS RESISTANCE:
* Resistant to hypnosis to an extent due to special concentration training.
* Was not brainwashed by Colress’ machine until Colress increased the machine’s power level:
** Said machine was designed to brainwash Kyrorem, a Legendary Pokémon.
* Even when hypnotized, can break out of it by scratching himself:
** Can do the same to Jessie and James.
* Jessie and James have also shown some immunity to hypnotism

AIR TECHNIQUE:
* Can push out enough air from their bodies to slip through ropes.

PERSONALITIES:
SHARED:
* Despite their criminal background, they’re more like mischievous troublemakers than hardcore villains.
* Constantly makes puns, jokes, and wisecracks.
* Stubborn to the point of insanity:
** Always pursue Ash and Pikachu despite failing literally thousands of times.
* Steal wild Pokémon or those belonging to other Trainers when possible.
* Willing to work with Ash and his friends if there’s a much greater threat afoot:
** Once sacrificed themselves to help Lugia and Ash get back faster to Shamatoui. (They survived, of course.)


JESSIE:
* Most villainous member of the trio.
* Sometimes acts as team leader, along with Meowth
* For example, if Meowth and James outright reconsider stealing something, Jessie will still insist on going through with it.
* Was known to abandon her teammates to save her own skin:
** Lost twelve partners because of her selfishness.
** Became much more loyal after meeting James and Meowth.
* The only member of the team with a criminal background (Her mother was a Team Rocket operative).
* Often shown to really care for her teammates and her Pokémon.
* Once returned a Pokemon Center’s entire rations to save the job of her childhood friend Blissey.


JAMES:
* Rather child-like and lighthearted.
* Tends to be the friendliest member of the team when not on missions.
* Actually has a rather strong moral conscience:
** (Has no problem stealing unless it’s from somebody close to him.)
* Has a short temper, though not so much as Jessie.
* Despises upper-class society for its overly strict rules, especially with Jessiebelle’s constant criticism.
* Rather submissive; Tends to comply with Jessie and Meowth’s schemes, even if they involve something from him. (Such as his bottle cap collection or a Pokèmon of his)


MEOWTH:
* De facto team leader, though sometimes Jessie takes charge
* Cunning and ambitious.
* Often presents himself as the more sensible one of the trio. (In actuality, he’s just as goofy and silly as they are.)
* Can be rather greedy at times. (Though not so much as Jessie)
* Kind of a smartass, sometimes making sarcastic remarks and jabs aimed at both his teammates and enemies.
* Generally leaves the battling to Jessie and James’ Pokémon:
** Will step in himself depending on the situation.
* Gets along surprisingly well with Pikachu and the other Pokémon (usually for the sake of mutual survival).
* Has a rare sense of honor for a thief:
** Outright refuses to attack or steal from someone who either has shown kindness to him or he has taken a liking to.
* Deeply philosophical:
** Refused to attack his clone Meowth and realized they had more in common than they thought.


GENERAL INTELLIGENCE:
* Skilled mechanics and inventors:
** Able to build large machines and weapons despite having a poor budget.
* Skilled Pokémon trainers despite their incompetence as thieves:
** Implied that even Meowth is capable of commanding other Pokémon the same way human trainers do.
* Constantly make modifications to the Meowth Balloon:
** (See “Meowth Balloon Attachments” in the weapons bio)
* Skilled laying out many kinds of traps and pitfalls.
* Constantly able to fool everyone with their disguises. (Even when it’s painfully obvious to the audience.)
* Once fooled Ash and his friends despite Jessie and James literally wearing their Team Rocket logo on their disguises.
* Can potentially frame someone by disguising themselves and committing crimes in the victim’s name.
* Actually have managed to pull off successful heists before:
** Reputation probably ruined thanks to Ash and co.
* Skilled in other occupations besides being Pokémon thieves.
* Capable of predicting EXACTLY what’s going to happen next.
* Once made a Mount Rushmore-esque display of themselves and Giovanni on a mountain.
* Performed an off-screen escape trick that fooled even the writers themselves:
** (Fucking……..HOW!?)
* Once hijacked the Sunyshore Tower and converted it into a rocket.
* Sometimes they intentionally get themselves blasted off to make a quick getaway.

JESSIE:
* Willing to use her looks and sex appeal to seduce others into helping her. (As much sex appeal as a kid’s show can allow.)
* Has medical knowledge due to her education at a Chancey school.
* Consistently ranked high on the Team Rocket recruit exams, only being held back because of her poor teamwork skills.
* Arguably the most experienced due to being in Team Rocket longer than James or Meowth.

JAMES:
* Momentarily tricked everyone with a made-up tragic backstory that ended with him dying as a child in-story.
* Rigged a treasure chest containing James’ love letter to Jessiebelle with a war mech:
** More impressive considering that he likely did this as a young child.
* Sometimes makes observations and deductions that impress even Meowth.

MEOWTH:
* Supposedly the brains of the team. (Though that’s not saying much)
** Generally has the most common sense. (Again, very debatable.)
** Tends to brag about his intelligence and even calls himself a genius.
* Taught himself how to speak human language.
* Very tricky and manipulative.
* Considered highly intelligent by Pokémon standards
* Knows how to use man-made objects.
* Smart enough to drive vehicles and pilot mechs.
* Was the only one out of Team Rocket (with Ash and Pikachu) that can be hypnotized by a group of Beheeyem:
** The Beheeyem’s hypnosis doesn’t work on dumb people.
* Talented magician.
* Has decent negotiation skills.
* Can trick even those who are distrustful and wary of him.
* Once came up with the plan to trap a large group of Pokémon by throwing a huge party:
** Ended up having too much fun in the party and forgot about the plan.
* Good at picking locks, even with just his paws
* Very skilled mech pilot.
* Capable of giving decently trained Pokémon a hard time.
* Capable of manually hacking into security systems with ease.
* Is also capable of rigging other machinery as well.
* Talented musician: Knows how to play and operate numerous musical instruments.
* VERY skilled performer for Pokémon contests and showcases.
* Has tricked Ash and his friends into thinking he was on their side before betraying them on three separate occasions.
* Knows how to manipulate Pokémon into assisting Team Rocket and attacking Ash and his team instead.
* Knows how to program machines and other technology.
* Can also program machines to be able to react microseconds before the opponent.
* Skilled at cooking, although he’s not quite as good as Brock.
* Knows how to please others by putting their preferred favorite flavors into the dish.

STEALTH:
* Noticeably skilled at hiding and sneaking.
* Constantly follow Ash and his friends unnoticed.
* Good at performing infiltration and escape.
* Know how to disable or bypass security systems.

FIGHTING SKILL:
* Occasionally seen fighting without their Pokémon.
* Can constantly hold their own against each other whenever they get into one of their little scraps.
* Extremely pragmatic. WILL exploit any enemy’s weaknesses
* Will not hesitate to use an enemy’s weapon against them

JESSIE:
* Arguably the most skilled in combat out of the trio (and perhaps the main human cast).
* Is actually a trained ninja.
* Seems to know some combat techniques; such as Triangle Chokes, Elbow Drops, Roundhouse Kicks, etc.
* Beat the shit out of Seviper after it had bitten off a chunk of her hair.

MEOWTH:
* Capable of holding his own in a fight against more trained and experienced Pokémon.
* Willing to use dirty tactics when necessary.
* While in a Sunflora disguise, overwhelmed Ash’s Bulbasaur for most of the match
* Will use the environment around him to his advantage.
* Knows how to provoke enemies into recklessly charging at him.
* Can trick opponents into attacking each other.

RELATIONSHIP:
* No doubt about it, they are VERY loyal to each other.
* Even when they are elsewhere better off, will go back to Team Rocket for the sake of being with each other.
* Will often make personal sacrifices if it means helping the other out of a jam.

(Emily is back to normal now, thanks to Lily’s “CPR.”)

Lily: There we go! You feel better now, Emita?

Emily: (Smiles nervously and blushes)…….Y-Yeah. I’m back to normal now. Thanks.

Lily: De nada! (Teasingly) So, what’s you think of my “CPR” technique?

Emily: (Giggles slightly) It wasn’t bad. But you could use a wee bit of practice.

Lily: (Coyly) Oh? Well maybe you can give me some pointers after this. (Boops Emily’s nose)

Det. Pikachu: Uh, excuse me, girls? Much as I love your conversation, can we get back on track, please?

Emily: (Face red with embarrassment) Oh! R-right! (Sits back in her chair) Now, what haven’t we discussed about Team Rocket yet?

Det. Pikachu: Next topic is something I’m more specialized in: intelligence! This is a bit tricky because it’s not really a matter of which member is smartest, and more of which area of intelligence they’re strongest at. For example Jessie is not exactly what you would call ‘book smart’, mainly because she was raised without a proper education. To her credit, though: She does seem to be the most combat-skilled out of the trio, which kinda goes in hand with her temper. Also, she generally seems to be the most pragmatic of the team, willing to take risks that James or Meowth won’t.

Lily: (Sometimes you gotta leave it to the girl to take charge.) And speaking of James and Meowth, how smart are they?

Det. Pikachu: James isn’t exactly stupid, but he’s often pretty naive and childlike. This makes him very submissive and easy to drag into whatever scheme his teammates come up with. However, he’s shown to be surprisingly smart when it counts, which even impresses Jessie and Meowth. James actually has a pretty strong moral compass for a criminal. He would often refuse to attack or steal from someone who’s close to him.

Emily: Nice to see a criminal with some amount of humanity. So, am I right to assume that Meowth is the smart one of the team?

Det. Pikachu: In some ways, yes. Meowth is usually considered the “brains” of the team. He comes up with the majority of their evil plans and tactics. He’s also an incredibly skilled inventor, building most of the weapons and gadgets they use on missions. In battle, Meowth usually lets other Pokémon fight before him, although he’s totally capable of fighting for himself if he needs to. Like James, Meowth can also be pretty moral and even philosophical at times. During the battle at Mewtwo’s stadium, Meowth was the only Pokémon besides Pikachu to refuse to fight his clone, and even made peace with him!

Det. Pikachu: Despite what I just said about Meowth, that’s not to say that Jessie and James aren’t smart: All three of them have shown the capability of building gigantic machinery on a daily basis. Not to mention that they’re constantly able to make a fool out of the Pokémon cast with their costumes and their schemes.

Lily: Then again, I’m pretty sure Ash isn’t really known for being smart, so make of that as you will.

Det. Pikachu: And on top of that, much like a certain mercenary who’s played by a very handsome actor, they can also break the fourth wall, meaning that they’re able to-

Emily: Wait a minute, did you just say “break the fourth wall?”

Det. Pikachu: (Halts in confusion) Y-yeah? Is that a problem?

(Emily draws her short sword and shield, looking around as if expecting someone to suddenly appear. Nothing happens, and she sits back down relieved.)

Lily: (Confused, slightly concerned)…You okay? What was that all about?

Emily: Sorry, dear. Just being cautious. Mr. Louis told me that sometimes in shows like these, characters with fourth-wall awareness will just barge in unannounced.

Lily: (Amused) Pfft! Really!? No te preocupes, mija. What are the odds of that happening?-

(To everyone’s shock, Deadpool suddenly crashes through the window into the studio.)

“HEY-HEY-HEY-HEY-HEY!!!”

Lily: (Shocked) ¡Santa María! Who the fuck is this!?

Emily: (Equally shocked) See!? That’s exactly what I was talking about!

Det. Pikachu: Deadpool!? What the heck are you doing here!?

Deadpool: Oh, I was in the neighborhood and just happened to hear about a Pikachu detective with the same VA as me! Just wanted to say I’m a HUGE fan!

Det. Pikachu: W-well, I’m flattered, but can we do this later? We’re kinda running a show he–

(Deadpool notices the two Arkham hosts beside him. Starting with Emily.)

Deadpool: Well look at you, little lady! That cosplay of yours is just to die for! Are you dressed up for a Harry Potter convention or something? I think I’m a Hufflepuff man myself, but you–you would definitely be Slytherin!

Emily: (Nearly throws up) Slytherin!? God, no! Anything but that! I hate bloody snakes!

Deadpool: Aww, don’t be like that! Snakes need love too! I met this adorable boa constrictor in Brazil one time, and it was so sweet it gave me a biiiiiig hug around my neck! And then I passed out, but so what?

Emily: (Raises eyebrow) I’m quite sure that snake wasn’t just “hugging” you, dear.

Lily: (Steps in) And don’t you somewhere else to be? We’re trying to work here!

Deadpool: (Pauses, starts checking out Lily’s body in a perverted way) Woah, mama! Take a look at you, señorita!

Lily: (Sharply) Stop eye-fuckin’ me, perv!

Deadpool: (Delighted) Ah, she’s feisty! (Notices her whip) And she whips people! I love that in a woman! How much do you charge? Four hundred? Five hundred? Name your price and I’ll happily be your whipping boy!

Lily: (Enraged at Deadpool’s perverted offer) You wanna get whipped!? This one’s on the house! 

(Lily grabs her whip and lashes at Deadpool while Emily runs in to calm her down.)

Emily: (Frantically) Miss Lily! For God’s sake, control yourself!

Det. Pikachu: Agh….great. I guess while they try to get this under control, I’ll go over the powers of Team Rocket’s battle Pokemon. There’s a lot to go over in this section, but I’ll try to make these as brief as possible.

JESSIE’S POKÉMON:

Det. Pikachu: I’ll start by listing out Jessie’s team of Pokémon, which consists of Wobbuffet, Seviper, Yanmega, Gourgeist, and Mimikyu


WOBBUFFET:
The Patient Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon EP146 “Tricks of the Trade” (2000-2001)
Type: Psychic
Height: 4’03”
Weight: 62.8 lbs.

WOBBUFFET’S MOVES:


Counter:

* Type: Fighting
* Power: (Depends on the power of the attack dealt on Wobbuffet.)
* Accuracy: 100%
* Only works if Wobbuffet is physically attacked.


Bide:
* Type: Normal
* Power: (Depends on the power of the two attacks Wobbuffet takes)
* Accuracy: 100%
* Wobbuffet endures the damage of two attacks before retaliating with double power.
* Strangely, Wobbuffet cannot actually learn this move in the games.


Mirror Coat:
* Type: Psychic
* Power: (Depends on the power of the attack dealt on Wobbuffet.)
* Accuracy: 100%
* Only works if Wobbuffet is attacked by a projectile attack.

Det. Pikachu: Wobuffet’s signature ability is “Shadow Tag“, which allows him to step on his opponent’s shadow to prevent them from retreating. Wobuffet can also use “Counter” and “Mirror Coat”, which respectively redirect physical damage and non-physical projectiles right back at the attacker. And finally, there’s “Bide“, where he stands around and takes damage from his opponent for some time before striking back with double the power of the attacks received.


SEVIPER:
The Fang Snake Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon AG008 “A Tail with a Twist” (2003)
Type: Poison
Height: 8’04”
Weight: 115.7 lbs.

SEVIPER’S MOVES:


Haze:
* Type: Ice (How the hell is this an Ice move?)
* Power: —
* Accuracy: —
* Opens its mouth to release thick, black smoke.
* Eliminates the stat changes of all enemies engaged.


Poison Tail:
* Type: Poison
* Power: 50%
* Accuracy: 100%
* Seviper’s tail glows purple before lashing at the target.
* Has a high critical hit ratio.
* Has a 10% chance of leaving the target poisoned.


Wrap:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 15
* Accuracy: 90%
* Seviper wraps its body around the target and violently squeezes it.
* This attack lasts for multiple turns.
* Target can still attack while being bound.


Bite:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Seviper chomps down on the target with its fangs.
* Has a 30% chance of causing the target to flinch.

Det. Pikachu: Jessie’s second Pokemon is Seviper, the poison snake Pokémon! His first attack, Haze, allows him to release a cloud of smoke from his mouth, removing all nerfs or buffs of all parties in the battle. It can also act as a smoke bomb for quick escapes. Poison Tail has Seviper strike his target with his glowing purple tail, which has a chance of poisoning his opponent. And there’s “Wrap” and “Bite”, which are pretty much what any snake Pokemon can do. Oh, and here’s some advice: Don’t let Seviper be near any Zangoose. Why’s that?

Det. Pikachu: That’s why. Seviper and Zangoose are natural enemies and will attack purely out of instinct. Both animals will take literally any chance to beat the crap out of each other, even in the middle of battle! Not even being recalled into his Pokéball will stop him, since he’ll just burst right out again.


YANMEGA:
The Ogre Darner Pokémon
First Appearance:
Type: Bug/Flying
Height: 6’03”
Weight: 113.5 lbs.

YANMEGA’S MOVES:


Sonic Boom:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 20
* Accuracy: 90%
* Yanmega flaps its wings rapidly, firing multiple shockwaves as projectiles


Wing Attack:
* Type: Flying
* Power: 60
* Accuracy: 100%
* Yanmega’s wings glow white before using them to smack down the target.


Quick Attack:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Basic close-range attack
* Always strikes first before the target.
* Never misses


Ancient Power:

* Type: Rock
* Power: 60
* Accuracy: 100%
* Charges and fires a ball of silver energy at the target.
* 10% chance of raising all of Yanmega’s stats


Steel Wing:
* Type: Steel
* Power: 70
* Accuracy: 90%
* Yanmega hardens its wings to raise defense (10% chance of effectiveness)


Silver Wind:
* Type: Bug
* Power: 60
* Accuracy: 100%
* Has a 10% chance of raising Yanmega’s Attack, Defense, Special Attack, Special Defense, AND Speed stats.

Det. Pikachu: Third on the list is Yanmega, who’s perhaps Jessie’s strongest Pokemon. Her main ability is “Speed Boost”, which gradually increases her movement speed, allowing her to land attacks faster. As for her attacks, “Sonic Boom”lets her fire sonic projectiles by flapping her wings. Yanmega can also use her huge wings to give a good ol’ bitch slap with “Wing Attack”. “Quick Attack” has her rapidly attack the opponent at blinding speeds, and “Ancient Power”, allows Yanmega to fire a ball of pure energy like in Street Fighter. “Steel Wing”, raises Yanmega’s defense by hardening her wings with a metal-like sheet. And finally, “Silver Wind” releases her powdery dust-like scales at her opponent, which not only do damage, but can even raise all of her own stats!


GOURGEIST:

The Pumpkin Pokémon
First Appearance: A Festival Trade! A Festival Farewell?
Type: Ghost/Grass
Height: 5’07”
Weight: 86.0 lbs.

GOURGEIST’S MOVES:


Leech Seed:
* Type: Grass
* Power: —
* Accuracy: 90%
* Plants a seed on target, which will then slowly drain their health for Gourgeist to have instead.


Shadow Ball:
* Type: Ghost
* Power: 80
* Accuracy: 100%
* Charges and fires multiple spheres of dark energy
* Has a 20% chance of lowering the target’s special defense. 


Frustration:
* Type: Normal
* Power: (Depends on how much Gourgeist dislikes its trainer)
* Accuracy: 100%


Dark Pulse:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 80
* Accuracy: 100%
* Emits a stream of spinning dark waves from its upper mouth
* Has a 20% chance of making the target flinch. 


Seed Bomb:
* Type: Grass
* Power: 80
* Accuracy: 100%
* Fires a barrage of hard seeds that explode on contact.

Det. Pikachu: Fourth on the list is Gourgeist, the spooky living Jack-O-Lantern! This possessed Halloween prop has four attacks. The first is “Leech Seed”, where it shoots out several seeds, which leech onto the opponent and slowly drains out its life. Next is “Shadow Ball”, where Gourgeist shoots multiple dark shadowy balls of energy at the opponent. “Frustration” is a very strange attack. It basically draws power from Gourgeist’s negative feelings towards its trainer. So the more Gourgeist hates you, the stronger the attack. Maybe it’s better that Jessie doesn’t use that one. Finally, “Dark Pulse”, releases a terrifying dark wave that does considerable damage, and can make the opponent flinch. 


MIMIKYU:
The Disguise Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon SM003 “Loading the Dex!” (2016-2017)
Type: Ghost/Fairy
Height: 0’08”
Weight: 1.5 lbs.

MIMIKYU’S MOVES:


Play Rough:

* Type: Fairy
* Power: 90
* Accuracy: 90%
* Charges towards the opponent to deliver a smackdown using its tail.
* Has a 10% chance of lowering the target’s attack.


Shadow Claw:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 70
* Accuracy: 100%
* Unleashes a shadowy claw from beneath its disguise before slashing the target.
* Has an increased critical hit ratio.


Wood Hammer:
* Type: Grass
* Power: 120
* Accuracy: 100%
* Telepathically creates a giant wooden hammer and swings it down on the target.


Shadow Ball:
* Type: Ghost
* Power: 80
* Accuracy: 100%
* Creates and fires a ball of black and purple energy.
* Has a 20% chance of lowering the target’s special defense.


Let’s Snuggle Forever!:
* Requires a Z-Ring and a Mimikium Z in order to use this move.
* Mimikyu traps the target beneath its disguise, where they get pummeled senseless.
* The victim may be forced to see Mimikyu’s true form, which would kill them instantly.

Det. Pikachu: Now if you thought Gourgeist was a creepy little bugger, wait ‘till you see Mimikyu! Mimikyu are very bizarre, even for Ghost-types. They’re usually seen wearing a cloak with a poorly-drawn Pikachu face, in an attempt to copy off their popularity. But this particular one has an intense hatred against Pikachu for some reason. In fact, even seeing one will cause him to act ferociously! And even at first glance, the thing is just creepy as all hell!

[wonderplugin_video iframe=”https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Iv8H3SxQ7t0&#8243; lightbox=0 lightboxsize=1 lightboxwidth=960 lightboxheight=540 autoopen=0 autoopendelay=0 autoclose=0 lightboxtitle=”” lightboxgroup=”” lightboxshownavigation=0 showimage=”” lightboxoptions=”” videowidth=600 videoheight=400 keepaspectratio=1 autoplay=0 loop=0 videocss=”position:relative;display:block;background-color:#000;overflow:hidden;max-width:100%;margin:0 auto;” playbutton=”https://arkhamdeathbattle.com/wp-content/plugins/wonderplugin-video-embed/engine/playvideo-64-64-0.png”%5D

(Det. Pikachu leaps back in shock and hides under his chair.)

Det. Pikachu: (Visibly shaking in fright) L–let’s just go over his moves before I get a heart attack. Mimikyu’s first attack, “Rough Play”, has him smack the opponent multiple times using his tail, which also has a chance of lowering their Attack. “Shadow Claw” and “Wood Hammer” enable him to deliver a nasty swipe with a shadowy arm or a giant wooden mallet. And being a Ghost-type like Gourgeist, it also can perform “Shadow Ball”. A-anyways, Mimikyu has a unique ability in that any heavy damage will be directed at its disguise instead of his body. But that’s something you reeeeeeally don’t wanna do! In fact, I’ll just warn you right now: NEVER–EVER–REMOVE MIMIKYU’S CLOAK FROM HIS BODY!!!

Det. Pikachu: And why’s that? I’m just gonna be straight–YOU WILL DIE!!! I’m not kidding, people! I’ve studied many cases of people “suddenly vanishing” because they got curious and tried to look under a Mimikyu’s cloak. And it gets worse when you’re the target of its Z-Move: “Let’s Snuggle Forever!”. This is where Mimikyu traps you underneath its cloak before beating you to death from inside. That alone is horrifying, but it’s even worse when you imagine that the last thing you ever see is Mimikyu’s true form.

Det. Pikachu: Anyway, I’m done talking about this little freakshow! Let’s get to James’ Pokémon, already!

JAMES’ POKEMON:


CARNIVINE:
The Bug Catcher Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon DP002 “Two Degrees of Separation!” (2006-2007)
Type: Grass
Height: 4’07”
Weight: 59.5 lbs.

CARNIVINE’S MOVES:


Bite:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Carnivine chomps down on the target with its massive jaw.
* Has a 30% chance of causing the target to flinch.


Bullet Seed:
* Type: Grass
* Power: 25 per strike
* Accuracy: 100%
* Forcefully shoots out multiple seeds at high velocity.
* Can hit the target up to 2-5 times.


Bind:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 15
* Accuracy: 85%
* Carnivine wraps its vines around the target before squeezing them painfully. 


Vine Whip:
* Type: Grass
* Power: 45
* Accuracy: 100%
* Carnivine strikes the victim multiple times using its vines.

Det. Pikachu: For James’ team, we’re going to start off with his Grass-type: Carnivine. His primary attack is “Bite,” which is pretty self-explanatory. Its huge jaw and sharp teeth can cause some nasty damage to its victim, and even has a 30% chance of causing it to flinc. Its second move, “Bullet Seed”, shoots a barrage of seeds out of its forearm like a machine gun. And like Seviper, Carnivine can perform Bind to wrap its flexible body around its opponent. And finally, “Vine Whip” allows Carnivine to literally lash its tentacles at the opponent multiple times. (I bet that Mexican dame Lily would love this.)


MIME JR.:
The Mime Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon AG147 “Sweet Baby James” (2005-2006)
Type: Psychic/Fairy
Height: 2’00” Weight: 28.7 lbs.
Often mímics whatever James is doing at the moment.

MIME JR’S MOVES:


Mimic:
* Type: Fighting
* Power: — (Depends on the power of the attack copied.)
* Accuracy: — (Always hits)
* Allows Mime Jr. to copy and use any attack previously used by the opponent.


Tickle:
* Type: Normal
* Power: Unknown
* Accuracy: 100%
* Tickles the target into uncontrolled laughter
* Lowers the target’s Attack and Defense.


Teeter Dance:
* Type: Normal
* Power: Unknown
* Accuracy: 100%
* Performs a wobbly dance that confuses the target.
* Can make surrounding people and Pokémon dance

Det. Pikachu: Don’t let this cute little guy fool you. Mime Jr can be pretty damn scary when he wants to be! This Psychic clown can copy any opponent’s previous move using “Mimic”. “Tickle” might sound ridiculous for an attack, but it’s actually really useful for lowering an enemy’s Defense, making it more susceptible to damage. Its weirdest move has to be “Teeter Dance”, which hypnotizes everyone in the surrounding area to break out dancing! And finally, Mime Jr has an inherent status effect that causes any Pokémon fighting it to become confused. Meaning that Pokémon could end up hitting itself instead of the opponent! Mime Jr might look cute and cuddly, but it’s one kid clown you don’t want to take lightly.


INKAY:
The Revolving Pokémon
First Appearance: XY003 ” A Battle of Aerial Mobility!” (2013-2014)
Type: Dark/Psychic
Height: 1’04”
Weight: 7.7 lbs.

INKAY’S MOVES:


Tackle:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Inkay charges the target with a full-body tackle.


Psybeam:
* Type: Psychic
* Power: 65
* Accuracy: 100%
* Inkay fires a blue beam with pink circles at the target.
* Has a 10% chance of causing Confusion


Foul Play:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 95
* Accuracy: 100%
* Inkay counters an enemy’s attack by grabbing them and throwing them to the ground
* The stronger the target is, the higher the damage dealt.
* Only works if Inkay is physically attacked. (Does not counter energy-based attacks)

Det. Pikachu: James’ other Psychic-type, Inkay, is a squid that he caught from the Kalos. Although, it’s a bit weird that it’s not a Water-type, being a squid and all. Even so, this little guy can spit a thick ink from its mouth, which is useful for blinding the opponent. In addition, Inkay can also slam its body into an opponent using “Tackle”, and fire waves of damaging pink circles using “Psybeam.” But I think Inkay’s most interesting move is “Foul Play”, which is sorta like the Pokémon version of a Judo flip. With this move, Inkay can counter an enemy’s attack and throw them back to the ground! Even cooler, the damage this move does is proportional to the opponent’s Attack power. It’s like using your enemy’s weight against him!


MAREANIE:
The Brutal Star Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon SM012
Type: Poison/Water
Height: 1’04”
Weight: 17.6 lbs.

MAREANIE’S MOVES:


Spike Cannon:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 20
* Accuracy: 100%
* Fires multiple darts that hit the target in succession.


Sludge Bomb:
* Type: Poison
* Power: 90
* Accuracy: 100%
* Releases multiple globs of filthy, poisonous sludge.


Knock Off:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 65
* Accuracy: 100%
* Marearnie’s tentacles glow white before striking the target with them.
* Also knocks away whatever item an opponent is holding

Det. Pikachu: And finishing off James’ team is his Poison/Water-type, Marearnie. Team Rocket found this strange little anemone when James got infected by its poison. The venom turned James’ face purple like a Marearnie…causing the Pokémon to uh…(Sheepishly) fall in love with him.

Det. Pikachu: (Stretches mouth lower) Yeeeeeeeeah…..that’s all I’m gonna say about that. Anyway! Mareanie can use “Spike Cannon” to shoot multiple sharp spikes at the target, and “Sludge Bomb” to hurl multiple globs of poisonous sludge. And finally, Mareanie has a move similar to Vine Whip called “Knock Off”, which not only causes damage, but can make an opponent drop whatever item it’s carrying. And with that, we’ve covered all the Pokémon in both Jesse and James’ teams! But we’re not finished just yet!


MEOWTH:

The Scratch Cat Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon EP002 “Pokémon Emergency!” (1997-1998)
Type: Normal
Height: 1′ 04″
Weight: 9.3 lbs.

MEOWTH’S MOVES:


Scratch:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Similar to Fury Swipes, except it’s only one powerful scratch.
* Draws deep scars on the victim’s face and leaves them crying in pain.


Bite:
* Type: Dark
* Meowth bites the target.
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Meowth bites into the target with his mouth
* Has a 30% chance of causing the target to flinch.


Fury Swipes:
* Type: Normal
* Meowth’s most commonly used move.
* Power: 18% per swipe.
* Accuracy: 80%
* A series of quick and weak scratches that go up to 5 times.


Night Slash:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 70
*
 Accuracy: 100%
* Has an increased critical hit ratio.
* Learning the move, but hasn’t quite mastered it:
** Considers it too scary to use.


Fury Tornado:
* Meowth creates a tornado by swiping at the air rapidly.
* Although Meowth has done this while he was under mind control, it’s possible he can still perform this.

Det. Pikachu: You didn’t think I was gonna skip over Meowth, did you? He’s still a Pokémon, after all. Like any good cat, his go-to attacks are “Scratch” and “Bite”, which I’m sure don’t need any explanation. “Fury Swipes” is similar to Scratch, but can hit the enemy up to five times per turn. “Night Slash” is a special Dark attack with incredibly high Power and Critical Ratio. Unfortunately, Meowth was able to get it quite right, and he considers it “too scary” to use, anyway. Not nearly as scary as his fourth and strongest move “Fury Tornado!With this attack, Meowth unleashes so many ferocious swipes that he creates a literal tornado! Imagine him doing this at a furniture store–they’d go out of business in a heartbeat! Meowth has only done this once under a mind-controlled rage. But there’s no reason he can’t do it again by himself.


Growl (Game-Exclusive):
A Normal-Type move.
Power: Unknown
Accuracy: 100%
Meowth growls softly, lowering the victim’s Attack


Screech (Game-Exclusive):
* A Normal-Type move.
* Power: Unknown
* Accuracy: 85%
* Reduces the target’s defense (In other words, durability) sharply.


Pay Day (Game-Exclusive):
* A Normal-Type move.
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Numerous coins are hurled as projectiles
* Said coins can be picked up later for future use


Sing (Game-Exclusive):
* A Normal-Type move.
* Power: Unknown
* Accuracy: 85%
* Meowth sings out a brief soothing lullaby that puts the target to sleep.
* Allows Meowth to get in free hits while the opponent is sleeping.
* Target will actually ignore the pain they suffer while asleep.


Nasty Plot (Game-Exclusive):
* A Dark-Type Move.
* Power: —
* Accuracy: –
* Wobbuffet is pictured, but Meowth can perform it too.
* The Pokemon thinks mischievous thoughts, raising his Sp. Attack.


Snatch (Game-Exclusive):
* A Dark-Type move.
* Power: —
* Accuracy: —
* If the opponent is healing or powering itself, Meowth can steal the effects of the move for himself.

Det. Pikachu: As a bonus, let’s quickly go over Meowth’s moveset based on the versions from the games–mainly Pokémon Yellow and the limited-time distributions. His most common moves are the four Normal-types: “Growl,” “Screech,” “Pay Day,” and “Sing.” The first two releases a harsh noise that reduces an opponent’s Attack or Defense. The third one throws coins from Meowth’s head as projectiles. The last one plays a lullaby that lulls the enemy into a sleep so deep, that it actually ignores any damage it suffers! Still, not as humiliating as Jigglypuff drawing on your face with a marker after one of her songs.

Det. Pikachu: Anyway, Meowth’s last two attacks are “Nasty Plot,” with which Meowth empowers its Sp. Attack by thinking mischievous thoughts–and “Snatch,” which allows him to steal the effects of another Pokémon’s healing or empowering move! Meowth has a whopping eleven moves in total, which is the most of any of Team Rocket’s Pokémon! It’ll be interesting to see how the brains of Team Rocket will do in this fight! (Sighs in relief) Well, that about wraps up this section! Let’s see if the girls have got our Deadpool situation under control.

(The Detective rotates the camera back at the studio. Deadpool is crouching behind the door, while Lily is standing at the other side with her whip. Their fighting left the whole interview room in shambles.)

Deadpool: (Sticks his head out the door. His mask has multiple scratches and his face is covered in lash wounds.) WOO!!! Holy moley, you’re one hell of a woman! We really oughta do this again sometime!

Lily: PISS OFF, ALREADY!!! (She whips at the door, but Deadpool closes it just before it hits him. Lily sighs and looks at the room behind her.) Uhh, sorry…..Did I overdo it?

Emily: (Crawls out of the desk and stands.) And then some! Good grief, Miss Lily! Did you have to destroy damn near everything!?

Det. Pikachu: Seriously! I appreciate you getting Deadpool out of here, but that was really overkill! For God’s sake, please try to control your temper next time!

Lily: (Exasperated) Okay! I’m sorry, I’m sorry! (Puts her whip away) Can we just get back to the show now, please? (She takes her place at the chair again.) Entonces, what else do we have to cover about Team Rocket?

Det. Pikachu: We would be talking about their Pokémon teams, but I already took care of that.

Emily: Well, thank you for saving us all that work, Detective. So, what shall we discuss next?

Det. Pikachu: We’re on the home stretch, girls! Our second-to-last topic is Team Rocket’s arsenal! When their Pokémon get taken out, our villainous trio has a boatload of dangerous toys to fall back on! In fact, this may actually be the largest section on our list, and you’ve seen how much we’ve talked about this team already. So to keep this Prelude from dragging any longer, I’m just gonna share with you a file of their entire arsenal.

VS Bio: Team Rocket Arsenal

Lily: Will ya look at that. Team Rocket has so many toys that even the author doesn’t wanna list ‘em all!

Emily: (Chuckles) You know, it’s pretty ironic that in an episode featuring Mega Man and Pokémon characters, it’s the latter who gets that treatment.

Det. Pikachu: (Chuckles) Yeah, that is pretty funny when you think about it. But don’t worry, we’re still going to cover their most basic tools!

WEAPONS:


MEOWTH BALLOON:
* Team Rocket’s main vehicle
* Has a balloon in the shape of Meowth’s head
* Loaded with nets and other kinds of traps
* Rather slow in the air.
* Has rockets on the side to make it go faster.
* Used for escaping or pursuing an airborne opponent.
* Equipped with various weapons

Det. Pikachu: We’ll start with their iconic getaway vehicle: the Meowth Balloon! A hot air balloon isn’t exactly the fastest or stealthiest mode of transportation, but they made it work somehow. It’s surprisingly versatile with how many weapons and gadgets they installed on it! In each episode, it’s often seen carrying missile launchers, a metal claw, and even a beam cannon!

Lily: ¡Chingados! All that from a balloon!? That’s the kind of stuff you’d see on–I dunno, a spaceship or an AC-130!

Emily: Team Rocket is nothing if not well-prepared.

Det. Pikachu: You’re telling me. They’re so well-prepared that even the balloon’s metal claws can be used as close-range weapons, as shown in the video below.

Lily: (Mimicking a fighting game announcer) Perfect K.O! You win! (Back in her usual voice) I tell ya what, Meowth would kick ass at Tekken!

Emily: (Chuckles) I bet you two would have a great time playing against each other. So, what other tools does Team Rocket have?

Det. Pikachu: I’m not sure this counts as a “weapon”, per se. But the trio has an endless wardrobe of disguises that help them get anywhere undetected.


DISGUISES:
* Often utilize disguises to fool and deceive others.
* Are able to disguise themselves as People or Pokémon.
* Are able to fool everyone and even the likes of the Region Professors and Clemont.
* Despite this, it’s possible for someone who is smart enough to be able to see through their disguises or if they do something that blows their cover while in disguise.

Lily: (Facepalms and groans) Oh, you gotta be kidding me! I’ve seen trick-or-treaters on Halloween with more convincing costumes! They didn’t even bother to hide or dye their hair, or wear colored contacts, or even talk in a different voice! Not to mention one of them is a literal talking Meowth! Please tell me no one is stupid enough to fall for those amateurs!

Det. Pikachu: (Embarrassed) Unfortunately…..yeah. Even though their disguises are so lame and the fact that they’re world-famous criminals, no one ever seems to realize that it’s Team Rocket. Not even Ash and his gang most of the time. In fact, the only one who ever figures it out is Misty!

Lily: (Humphs) Figures that the girl’s the only one with any brains.

Emily: (Laughs) I guess Misty and Jessie are more alike than we thought! 

Det. Pikachu: To be fair, Team Rocket often disguise themselves as police officers or nurses. And considering that there’s literally thousands of identical cops and doctors with even the same name running around, you might chalk it up to the heroes not wanting to accidentally hurt the wrong people.

Emily: But how does that explain Meowth? As Miss Lily mentioned, Meowth’s an anthropomorphic talking animal with a Brooklyn accent……who also uses disguises and trickery to fool his enemies. And happens to be the rival of a famous mouse mascot on top of that? Come to think of it, doesn’t this sound so much like Bugs Bunny?

Lily: (Her eyes light up) Holy shit, you’re right! So is that how their disguises always worked? Have Team Rocket been taking their disguise lessons from Bugs? (Waves her arms) Agh, olvídalo, forget it! We’re getting way off-track here!

Emily: (Checks her watch) Ach! You’re right, we only have eight minutes left! (Looks to Detective Pikachu) Is there one more thing you can share with us for Team Rocket’s weapons? 

Det. Pikachu: They have built a ton of giant mechas over their long quest of trying to capture Ash’s Pikachu. And with literally thousands of Pokémon episodes released, we could honestly spend hours talking about this alone! But I know we don’t have much time left, so you can just read the Team Rocket’s Arsenal Bio for more information.

Emily: That’s fair. We need to wrap this whole thing up, anyway. Which nicely brings us to our final topic! 

Det. Pikachu: Alrighty! Well, now that you’ve seen all of their Pokémon, mechas, and weaponry, one might assume Team Rocket would be really tough to beat, right? 

Lily: (Scoffs) Then how do they end every episode getting their asses kicked by a bunch of preteen kids every episode?

Det. Pikachu: Well…Let’s just say that there’s a really good reason why they’re considered the worst members of the Team Rocket organization.


WEAKNESSES:

* “Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again!”

Together:
* Their schemes almost always fail due to incompetence or bad luck.
* Gadgets and mechas tend to get destroyed.
* Can still feel pain or get knocked out.
* Extremely clumsy and accident-prone.
* Often bicker and fight amongst each other

Jessie:
* Very impulsive and short-tempered.
* Calling her old or messing with her hair are good ways to piss her off.
* Also pretty vain on her looks.

James:
* Not outright stupid, but fairly naive.
* Some of his Pokémon tend to misbehave:
** Wobbuffet sometimes pops out of his Pokéball at the wrong time.
** Carnivine and Marnie get TOO affectionate with him when he calls them out: 
*** More of an annoyance than a real hindrance.
* Apparently has a bottlecap collection:
** (Will go BERSERK if someone messes with it)

Meowth:
* Fairly pathetic by canon Pokémon standards
* Little experience in actual battle
* Somewhat cowardly, especially against stronger opponents.
* Refuses to evolve due to hatred for his evolved form: 
** Cannot evolve anyway due to possessing Gigantamax Factor
* Has never successfully performed Night Slash (or at all, for that matter).
* Often distracted by:
** Sexy women or female cat Pokémon
** Ordinary cat toys (ie, yarn balls)
* Has sometimes been mind-controlled by Psychic or Ghost Pokémon

Det. Pikachu: Let’s get the most obvious stuff out of the way first. For all their genius in inventing weapons, Team Rocket are really bad at handling them! They’re so incompetent and clumsy that they end up destroying their own weapons a lot of times! Even when it’s not their fault, they often fail due to unbelievably bad luck, like getting sucked in by a tornado!

Emily: Not only that, but those three squabble and fight even more than my brother and Mr. Louis do! I swear, if those three wasted less time bickering and more time devising better plans, they might not fail so many bloody times!

Lily: Seriously! It’s been like, what, twenty fucking years and they still haven’t caught that Pikachu!? How do these cabrones even still have a job!?

Det. Pikachu: (Nods to what the girls said) Right you are, ma’am! And even with the power of Toon Force on their side, the trio is still prone to getting badly hurt and even knocked unconscious.

Emily: Oh, and let’s not forget that each individual Pokémon has their type weaknesses, just like in the games. Although I’m not sure that applies here since it isn’t a standard Pokémon battle. 

Lily: And as we already covered, Jessie is a hothead, James is kind of a pushover, and Meowth….well, he’s just Meowth. 

Det. Pikachu: Ouch….that’s a bit harsh.

Lily: I mean, he is strong by normal human standards. But compared to much more powerful Pokémon, he’s really a joke. Still, I’m willing to give him this–at least he’s not Magikarp.

Literally the only thing Magikarp is good for.

Det. Pikachu: But despite their looooong history of failures and defeats at the hands of a few children, the Team Rocket Trio has proven time after time that they will never give up on their goals. For better or worse, they are the greatest recurring obstacle in Ash’s journey, and arguably the longest-running villains in any animated show! And now that we’re finished, let’s close this all off by watching Team Rocket’s infamous motto!

Jessie: Prepare for trouble!
James: Make it double!
Jessie: To protect the world from devastation.
James: To unite all people within our nation.
Jessie: To denounce the evils of truth and love.
James: To extend our reach to the stars above.
Jessie: JESSIE!
James: JAMES!
Jessie: Team Rocket! Blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now, or prepare to fight!
Meowth: MEOWTH! That’s right!

Lily: (Stares at the TV, totally dumbfounded) ¿Qué–la mierda–era que?

Emily: (Raised her fist excitedly) That was awesome!

Lily: (Well, at least one of us thinks so.)

Emily: Like I said, even with all their massive flaws, Team Rocket are nothing if not persistent! 

Lily: But will they successfully bypass Roll and get away with breaking into Dr. Light’s lab? Stay tuned to find out!

Emily: In any case, thank you for all your time, detective! This Prelude took a lot longer than we thought, but your research gave us everything we need to do the full episode!

Det. Pikachu: No problem! It was an honor, girls! Well, I got a whole lotta cases to solve, so I gotta roll. So long, and good luck with your Death Battle!

Lily: ¡Adios! Thanks for everything!

(Detective Pikachu leaves through the door, Leaving Lily and Emily alone. Lily gives the signal to the camera to cut.)

Lily: PHEW!!! Aye, de mi, this one took way too long! I need a hard drink and a meal after this!

Emily: Aye, I’m feeling hungry too. How about we go out for lunch together?

Lily: (Smiles) Hell yeah! Let’s have a girls’ night out! Do you like Mexican food?

Emily: I haven’t had any in a while, but I do like quesadillas.

Lily: I know this great Mexican restaurant down the road! You ever heard of La Rosa Negra?

Emily: I….might have passed it a couple of times, but I never went in.

Lily: Well I think you’re gonna love it! The food is amazing, and the bartender’s a good friend of mine, so she might give us a good discount! Whaddya say, it’s on me!

Emily: (Nods) Sounds like a grand time! Let’s go, Miss Lily!

Lily: Okay!…..By the way, can you do me a favor?

Emily: Hm?

Lily: Please, stop calling me “miss.” I know you’re just being polite, but it makes me feel old. Just “Lily” or “Liliana” is fine, okay?

Emily: (Blushes) I’m sorry. Very well, just “Lily” from now on.

Lily: (Pinches Emily’s cheek) Gracias. And don’t apologize, mija! I’ll still love you no matter what you call me! Okay?

Emily: Okay! So…..shall we go?

Lily: ¡Sí! ¡Vámanos!

(They leave the DBHQ and leave for the restaurant in Lily’s car.)

BONUS VIDEO!

WITH SPECIAL THANKS TO:
* ToonGamer619, for providing the rough draft and the Team Rocket bio.

* Dimension-Dino and YoungSamurai18, for proofreading and providing advice.

* And you, for reading and enjoying!

Death Battle Prelude: Shanoa vs Saber (Remastered)

NOTE: Louis’ name is the French pronunciation (the “s” is silent).

(Twenty minutes before showtime; Louis waits impatiently at the door for Edward, who hasn’t shown up yet)

Louis: (On his phone) Where the hell are you, Ed!? You give me crap all the time for showing up late! The one time I show up ready, and you fly off back to Scotland at the last minute!?

Edward: (Scottish accent, on the other line) I already said I’m sorry! I don’t like this any more than you! My father told me he needed me to help him host a sorcerer’s gathering! I didn’t have any other choice!

Louis: Even so, you realize this is our first job in months, and now I’m gonna have to host it all by myself!?

Edward: Not to worry, lad! I thought ahead and already sent in a substitute.

Louis: Huh? What substitute?

(A bright white flash fills the room. Louis looks behind and sees a teenage girl step forth. She has brown, wavy hair tied in a Purity Knit hairstyle and wears glasses and a white dress. She is holding a crimson short sword and a shield in her hands.)

Hello, Mr. Louis! Long time, no see!

Louis: Emily? Ed sent you as my co-host?

Emily: (Lighter Scottish accent; Nods) Aye! My brother said he’d let me fill in for him while he’s away!

Louis: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, she’s not even trained and the show starts in twenty minutes!

Edward: That’s what you’re here for, genius! Just show her the ropes and she’ll do fine! Look mate, I have to go! Good luck with with the show! (Hangs up)

Louis: Ed? ED!? (Groans) That bastard hung up on me!

Emily: Umm……Mr. Louis? Are we going to get started?

(Louis sighs and turns to Emily)

Louis: Yeah. I guess I can make do with you. You saw our past episodes, right?

Emily: (Excitedly) Aye! All of them were fantastic, but Raven vs Shanoa was my favorite!

Louis: Well today’s you’re lucky day, because one of our guests is Shanoa.

Emily: (Gasps) Oh, my God! This is so exciting!

Louis: Take it easy, rookie. Since this is your first time, you’ll be reading from your brother’s script. Just follow it and pay close attention to how I interview the clients. Be calm, professional, and polite, and you’ll do just fine.

Emily: (Smiles coyly) So in other words, be everything that you and Edward aren’t?

Louis: Another smartass comment like that and you’re out of here.

Emily: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! No more smart remarks!

Louis: Good. Are you sure you’re up to this?

Emily: Of course! I’m an Elvis! Excellence runs in the family!

Louis: Yeah well, I hope I see more of that in you than in your brother. Let’s go.

Emily: (I can’t believe I’m actually going to host a Death Battle show! This is so exciting, I might just die!)


Louis: Darkness rises, and light to meet it. In every work of fiction from Star Wars to Lord of the Rings, it seems that this motif is always presented in some way. Whether it’s through some hidden, ancient power, or two characters representing each side, or even just the ideals and beliefs of both sides, Black and White will always be enemies.

(Louis and Emily pause and think about his last statement.)

Emily: Do you think maybe you could’ve made that sound less…….”racist?”

Louis: Look kid, I didn’t write this crap. Speaking of which, shouldn’t you be looking at your script?

Emily: Oh! Umm…….(Looks at her papers). Uh, these two heroines are living embodiements of the powers of darkness and light. And this episode, we’ll be pitting them in a duel to see which side is superior.

Louis: Our first contestant is a returning fighter to this show! She gave her life to defeat Raven of the Teen Titans, before the latter brought it back to her!

Shanoa, the Order of Ecclesia’s elite vampire huntress!

Emily: And for her opponent we have…….(Eyes light up at the next line.) Artoria Pendragon!? We’re going to meet Saber from Fate!? This is the greatest day of my–

Louis: (Sharply) Emily! Focus!

Emily: (Clears her throat and starts again) I mean….

Artoria Pendragon, the legendary King of Knights from the Fate series!

As always, I’m Louis LeVainquer, also known as “The Blue Knight!”

Louis: Unfortunately, my usual co-host Edward couldn’t make it today due to family obligations. So for today, his younger sister is covering for him!

(The camera pans to Emily)

Emily: (Blushes) Oh! Um, hi. I, uh–ahem!

I’m…..Emily Elvis, formally known as the White Sage.

Louis: (Places hand on Emily’s shoulder) Relax. Breath deeply, you’re doing fine. (Turns back to the camera) Also, this will be a special Prelude because we’re going to do something we haven’t done before! Instead of bringing in close associates of the contestants, we’ll be interviewing the contestants themselves!

Emily: (Gasps in excitement) Shut up! I mean–our first interviewee will be the aforementioned Shanoa, the heroine from Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia.

Shanoa: (Walks into in the interview room.) Greetings. It’s an honor to be called here again.

Louis: Following her, we’ll have her new opponent Saber for her interview! She’s no stranger to Death Battle, having gone up against the likes of Guts, Clare, and even Captain America in other works!

Saber: (Curtsies politely) Artoria Pendragon, the Once and Future King, at your service.

Louis: Now in this epic battle of darkness and light, which of these powerful women will reign supreme? How do we answer that question, Emily?

Emily: With–uh, hold on. (Turns page over) Uhhhhhhhh, okay! We answer that question with a DEATH BATTLE!!!


(Ding!)


Shanoa:
Alias: The Morning Sun
Day of Birth: Presumably between late 18th to 19th century
Age: 20 (as of Order of Ecclesia)
Birthplace: Wallachia (presumably)
Race/Nationality: Wallachian, Eastern European
Height: N/A
Weight: N/A
Affiliation: The Order of Ecclesia (Disbanded)
Theme Song:

Louis: First of all, it’s great to have you with us again, Shanoa!

Shanoa: Thank you. t’s a great honor to be selected for Death Battle once again.

Emily: (Eyes sparkling) Oh, you’re even more beautiful in person, Ms. Shanoa! Raven vs Shanoa was one of my favorite episodes. You and Raven were both amazing, and it was so sweet when you became friends!

Shanoa: (Bashful) Uhhh……thank you very much. My she’s…..enthusiastic.

Louis: Sorry, she’s new. (To Emily) Take it easy. I know you’re excited, but remember we’re here to do a job. (To Shanoa) Before we start, I am curious. Whatever happened to your master Barlowe since the Epilogue?

Shanoa: (Grimly) Let’s just say……..he’s no longer my master.

Louis: Damn. Well…..I guess you kept your promise to Raven.

Shanoa: (Nods head) I keep the promises I make. That man deserved to pay for manipulating us against each other. I am no longer bound to his lies.

Emily: (Smiles) I guess Raven was right about you after all! Speaking of which, have you ever spoken to her since the Epilogue?

Shanoa: We keep in touch. She told me about a green friend of hers who was a guest here a few years ago. Apparently, she took him into the inside of her mind and beat him up viciously.

Emily: (Laughing) That’s right! And then Beast Boy turned into a dinosaur and tried to stomp–

Louis: WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING THAT!!! (Pauses) Ahem! Sorry about that. I think we’re getting off track. Let’s cover our first section with Shanoa. Emily?

Emily: What? Oh, right! (Looks at her script) Ahem! “Ms. Shanoa, can you give us a brief summary of your origin story? Where did you come from, who did you face, and what were your strongest feats?”

Louis: Not bad, Emily. (Gives her a thumbs up.)

Emily: (Smiles) Thank you, Mr. Louis.

Shanoa: I was born in the early 19th Century in Wallachia. I was raised by the Holy Order of Ecclesia, who took me in as an orphan. Growing up, the Order taught me the long history of Dracula’s attempts to wipe out all human life in Europe. For centuries, a brave warrior of the legendary Belmont clan would vanquish the mad vampire and rid the world of his darkness.

Louis: With all of Dracula’s failures, you’d think he’d find a new hobby at some point.

Shanoa: Unfortunately, it wasn’t to last forever. Over the centuries, the Belmont bloodline trickled away to near extinction. With no one to slay Dracula should he return, Ecclesia imprisoned his soul inside a magic vessel until they find a way to destroy him.

Emily: And is this where you came in?

Shanoa: Correct. Since I was young, my master Barlowe trained me to be the bearer of Dominus, the Glyph with the power to destroy the mad vampire once and for all.

Louis: But we wouldn’t have a game if it was that easy. Didn’t some idiot in your church mess the whole thing up?

Shanoa: That would be my stepbrother Albus. Jealous that he wasn’t chosen, he sabotaged the ritual, robbing me of my powers, memories, and emotions. I was forced on a perilous quest to recover my memories, and rescue innocent people along the way. Eventually, I confronted Albus, who was driven completely mad by Dominus’ power. I defeated Albus in a duel, but just before his death, he revealed that he only sabotaged the ritual to save me.

Emily: Save you? From what? I thought he was just trying to steal your power for himself?

Shanoa: (With resentment) Our master “forgot” to tell us that Dominus would ultimately kill those who would try to use it. This whole time, Barlowe was planning to use me not to kill Dracula, but to resurrect him! When that failed, the fool threw away his own life to restore Dracula’s. I was left with no family, and no purpose except to cast the mad vampire back to Hell! I stormed through his castle, destroying his legions of monsters before finally reaching Dracula himself. Using his own power against him, I destroyed the mad vampire and ended his tyranny once more.

Emily: But if you used Dominus, how are you still alive?

Shanoa: (Sadly) That…was Albus, once again. Dominus requires only a single soul wield it. He basically gave up his own life to protect mine. (Smiles sadly) My brave, foolish brother. Always there to protect me right to the end.

Emily: (Holds Shanoa’s hand) I know a thing or two about older brothers. My brother Edward always put his life on the line to protect mine. He would be proud that yours was willing to do the same for you.

Shanoa: (Smiles) Thank you.

(They notice Louis dozing off at his desk)

Emily: Mr. Louis? Mr. Louis! MR. LOUIS!!!

Louis: Ahh! Wh-what happened!? Are we still on?

Emily: (Looks disappointed) Whatever happened to acting professional?

Louis: Powers! We’re moving onto Powers, now!

Shanoa: (Annoyed sigh)

Feats:
* 2nd female protagonist of a Castlevania game.
** 1st being Sonia Belmont.
* Wielded the Dominus Glyph
* Regularly fights the supernatural.
* Rescued the people of Wygol Village.
* Defeated Albus in a one-on-one duel.
** Albus was roughly as powerful as Shanoa
* Uncovered a plan to resurrect Dracula.
* Defeated her insane master Barlowe
* Navigated Dracula’s entire castle and defeated him.
* Borderline OP in Castlevania: Judgement.
* Has one of Castlevania’s coolest theme songs

Powers and Abilities:

Glyph Magic:
* Runes that Shanoa absorbs though her skin:
** “Arm” x2 Weapons or magic powers
*** Swords, Lances, Knives, Axes, Bows, and more
*** Fire, water, earth, wind, lightning, etc.
** “Back” x1 Support powers:
*** Flight, health/strength regen, etc.
** Mostly found from fallen enemies
* Glyph Unions:
** Combines two Glyphs for single, powerful strike.
** Costly, ammo-wise.

Gameplay Videos:

Louis: Okay so, we’ve seen the use of Shanoa’s powers years ago, but would you mind if you refresh our reader’s minds on how they work?

Shanoa: Not a problem. The source of my powers come from Glyphs, magic floating runes I absorb through the markings on my skin (Points to the tattoos on her arms and back). Most of my Glyphs come from the bodies of my defeated foes. After I kill an enemy, I absorb the Glyph they leave behind and gain whatever power or weapon they were using. For example, if I kill a sword-wielding skeleton, I can use the same weapon he was using.

Louis: So basically magic tattoos equals awesome weapons? Putain de merde, I want to meet your artist!

Emily: I thought you hated magic, Mr. Louis?

Louis: I rethought my opinion after Seras vs Tanya. Besides, how can I not love the ability to use any weapon you want at any moment?

Emily: Speaking of which, it is quite impressive how versatile your Glyphs are, Ms. Shanoa.

Shanoa: Thank you. However, I normally use them make short-range weapons such as swords or spears. The longer ranged ones use up more of my magic. And worse, my most powerful Glyphs drain my life energy, which is why I rarely use them.

Emily: That’s right…..You died after you used your Dominus Glyphs to defeat Raven in your last fight.

Shanoa: (Looks down regretfully)

Emily: Forgive me. I shouldn’t have brought that up.

Shanoa: No, it’s alright. No need to apologize. What else should we discuss?

Louis: We need to know about your Dominus Glyphs, and any special power you haven’t shown yet.

Shanoa: Very well….

Dominus Glyphs:
* Shanoa’s strongest Glyphs
* 3 Types: Anger, Hatred, and Agony.
* Obliterates an entire room full of enemies.
* Each does 66 damage
* Defeated Dracula with them


* Dominus Hatred:
** Summons several pillars of light, which then shower the floor surrounding Shanoa.
** “Light, fall like rain!”


* Dominus Anger:
** aka “Dark Inferno.”
** Fires a cluster of flaming energy balls
** See above video by SatanitusLord.


* Dominus Agony:
** Only support-based Dominus Glyph
** Sharply raises all stats
** Slowly drains Shanoa’s health


* Glyph Union:
** Enormous burst of energy that kills everything on screen…including Shanoa
** Its attack power is OVER 9000!!!


Finishing Move – Glyph of Gales:
* Ultra move from Castlevania: Judgement
** Just watch the GIF here, or YuuGiJoou’s video above (3:11).

Shanoa: My strongest Glyphs, the Dominus, are all copies of Dracula’s powers. There are three kinds: Hatred, Anger, and Agony, and each do a tremendous 66 hit points of damage. Hatred summons falling pillars of green light; Anger shoots giant flaming balls of evil energy; and Agony covers my body in dark energy, dramatically boosting my stats.

Louis: Hatred, Anger, and Agony? One more and we can start a really edgy metal band.

Emily: (Ugh……I hate that obnoxious screaming music.)

Shanoa: Each of the Dominus require a great amount of strength and willpower. When Albus possessed the Dominus, it slowly corrupted his mind until he finally went mad. The Dominus also harms its user with each use. If I use all three powers, the combined 9999 hit points will kill everything……including me.

Shanoa: (Confused) What the–

Louis: What the Hell is Vegeta doing here!? (Looks to Emily) Emily, you did that?

Emily: (Giggles, reveals her hands charged with magic) Sorry, I just couldn’t resist.

Louis: You just had to capitalize on that old meme, didn’t you?

Shanoa: I’m sorry, what?

Louis: Oh, sorry. It’s an old inside joke from Dragonball Z.

Shanoa: I’m not familiar…

Louis: Never mind! Forget it! Other than your Dominus Glyphs, what other weaknesses do you have that might make this fight harder?


Weaknesses:
* Glass cannon
* Aggressive fighting style
* Glyphs require energy and recharge
** Only takes a few seconds
* Glyph Unions require specific resources
** Cannot be charged without ammo
* The Dominus Glyph:
** Requires 1/6 of health for each use.
** Glyph Union will kill her instantly
** An absolute LAST resort!

Shanoa: Sadly I’m not very durable, so I have to avoid getting hit as long as possible. Also, I tend to focus more on my offense than my defense. Most of my Glyphs consume magic and need a little time to recharge, and my Glyph Unions can’t replenish without specific resources. Finally, as I mentioned before, the Dominus Glyphs drain my health with each use, so I can’t afford to use them except in extreme emergencies.

Emily: But even with such critical weaknesses, you were still strong enough to defeat two powerful sorcerers, and survive a deadly castle full of Dracula’s worst monsters!

Louis: And finally, you faced down the Vampire Lord himself and sealed the bastard away with his own magic! Will everything you’ve accomplished, you really are “The Morning Sun come to vanquish the horrible night!”

Shanoa: (Smiles happily) Thank you! Is there anything else you need me to share?

Emily: Nope! We’ve got everything we need! You’re free to go, Ms. Shanoa!

Louis: We look forward to your second fight on our channel.

Shanoa: Alright, then. Farewell.

(Shanoa walks up and calmly leaves the room.)

Emily: (Nervously) So…..How am I dont, Mr. Louis?

Louis: Pretty good for your first time! You asked all the right questions, were polite to the guest, and kept a positive attitude. You just need to relax a bit and pay a more attention to the script. But other than that, not bad!

Emily: Thank you so much, Mr. Louis! You’re really much nicer than you appear on your show.

Louis: That’s just because your brother isn’t here to piss me off.

Emily: (Looks slightly annoyed, but hides it.)

Louis: But anyway, now we just need to wait for Saber to come in. Are you ready, Emily?

Emily: Yes, sir! Ready when you are!

(“Hear me, Dracula! I am the morning sun, come to vanquish this horrible night!”)

Bonus Videos!!!


(Ding!)



SABER:
First Appearance: “Fate/Stay Night” (2004)
Real Name: Artoria Pendragon
Birthdate: Unknown (Somewhere in the 400s, AD)

Birthplace: Kingdom of England, Great Britain
Race/Nationality: British
Height: 5’1″
Weight: 92 1/2 lbs

Aliases: Proud Knight-King, King of Knights
Theme:

(Artoria walks in gracefully, a look of royal pride on her face)

Louis: Well, then here she is–the Legendary King of Knights–Saber/Arturia!

Saber: (Bows politely) It’s an honor to be here.

Emily: (I can’t believe I’m looking at THE King of Knights! She’s so majestic! Her golden hair! Her silver armor! Her emerald eyes!)

Louis: Enchante’, madame. We’ve had a lot of guests on this show, but I think this is the first time we’ve been in the presence of royalty.

Saber: You honor me with your words. Also, I can tell by the way you spoke to me that you hail from France.

Louis: Well, not me personally. But my family traces back to that country.

Saber: I see. Still, it’s hard to believe our countries were rivals some centuries ago.

Louis: (Laughs) I hope that doesn’t mean you’ll try to kill me?

Saber: (Smirks) So long as you don’t give me a reason to.

Emily: No! No! No! We have enough violence with you and my brother! We don’t need to start it with Lady Artoria!

Saber: Calm yourself, it’s only a jest. I can tell Sir Louis is a noble man, no matter where he’s from.

Emily: (Embarrassed) Right. S-sorry.

Louis: (Laughs) Take it easy, Emily! If we wanted to fight, we’d draw our swords already! But let’s not waste any time. Saber–is it fine if I call you Saber?

Saber: There is no harm in it.

Louis: We got a lot of backstory to cover, both with the Legend of King Arthur, and the Fate storyline. Please tell us where you came from, and all the accomplishments you made as the King of Louiss and as a Saber-class Servant. We don’t have a lot of time, so just make it as short as you can.

Saber: I’ll try my best, but there’s a lot I need to cover.

Emily: May I ask one question? When I was little, my brother Edward read me the story of King Arthur every night. But I’ve never heard of the legendary King of Knights being a woman?

Saber: Well, the reason is–

Louis: Hold on, but allow me to give a short answer: it’s anime. Why else do you think Alexander the Great is a muscular dudebro obsessed with RPGs? Or Spartacus looks like the deranged lovechild of Simon Belmont and Voldo? Or Gilgamesh is a bishounen Dio Brando lookalike? Here, just look at the screen!

Real Alexander:

Anime Alexander:

Real Spartacus:

Anime Spartacus:

Real Gilgamesh:

Anime Gilgamesh:

Saber: (Sees Archer’s pic and blushes) (Ugh! Archer, you distasteful–)

Emily: (Eyes wide) They took a lot of liberty with mythology, didn’t they? Also, why the hell is Gilgamesh naked?

Louis: See what I mean? As for Gilgamesh, we’ll let someone in the comments answer that. But let’s get back to you, madame Artoria.

Saber: (Shakes it off) Though indeed I am a woman, my story is likely similar to the one your brother told you. When I was young, I was raised by the sorcerer Merlin to be King of Britain, which I earned the right to by drawing the sword Excalibur from the stone. During my reign, I formed the Knights of the Round Table and led Britain to countless victories and a golden age of prosperity.

Emily: That’s right! But then you were betrayed by your son Mordred–

Anime Mordred:

Emily: Or…..”daughter” Mordred?

Louis: Like I said, it’s just anime.

Emily: (Touches her chin, thinking) But something doesn’t add up. If you were King, then you would’ve married another woman. So how did–

Saber: (Slams the table angrily) Look, it’s a long and complicated story, okay!?

(Louis and Emily stare at her in shock)

Saber: (Calms down) Forgive me. Yes, my…….child Mordred betrayed me out of resentment for me not giving her the throne. Our Kingdom was brought into a deadly civil war that culminated in a final duel between me and Mordred. Both of us were killed and the war ended without a victor.

Emily: (Sadly) That’s so tragic. To be forced into to war against your own child. And for what?

Louis: C’est la guerre, kid. So, let’s fast forward to modern day. What brought you back hundreds of years later after your death in battle?

Saber: The same thing that brings all Servants back: The Holy Grail War.

Louis: (Oh, Lord. I just know Emily’s going to pull a Monty Python joke.)

Emily: I’m sorry, the Holy Grail War?

Saber: It’s a battle royale that happens every ten to sixty years. In each event, the Grail will materialize into the real world and choose seven Masters, who summon seven Servants to fight on each one’s behalf. Each Servant is a legendary hero, monarch, or villain from a different place and time, including the three you mentioned before. The last one standing would earn the right to the Grail and have their greatest wish granted.

Emily: I see. And I’m to assume you’re one of those Servants brought by a Master?

Saber: (Smiles and nods) That’s correct. It’s also how I got my title as the Saber class. I’ve competed in at least three Grail Wars, each under a different Master.

Kiritsugu Emiya (Fate Zero):

Shirou Emiya (Fate/Stay Night):

Rin Tohsaka (Unlimited Blade Works):

Emily: (Squealing) Ooooh, look at Rin! She’s so adorable!

Louis: Just don’t search on Google Images–unless you want the FBI to come knocking. And I can tell Kiritsugu and Shirou are definitely badasses. You’ve had some interesting masters, Saber.

Saber: Thank you. And as the King of Knights, I’ve performed countless heroic feats both before and after the Grail Wars. I’ve won duels against the likes of Alexander the Great and Hercules, and even destroyed that diabolical madman Gilles de Rais.

Louis: That’s all amazing to hear, Artoria! But if you don’t mind, we’d like to list all your feats below to save time.

Saber: No problem at all.

FEATS:
King Arthur’s Legend:
-Was an accomplished military strategist
-United Britain against the Saxons and founded the kingdom of Camelot
-Pulled the sword out of the stone
-Personally fought on the frontlines with her army
-Considered one of the great swordsmen of the age
-Killed dragons and other unholy creatures
-Defeated – and killed – Mordred in single combat:
— Though at the cost of her own life

Fate/Zero:
-Destroyed Rider/Iskander’s Gordius Wheel
-Found a worthy opponent/friendly rival in Lancer/Diarmuid
-Vaporized an army of eldritch horrors, including the nigh-invulnerable Gigantic Horror – the Nasuverse equivalent to Cthulhu – and Caster/Gilles de Rais
-Defeated Berserker/Lancelot

Fate/stay night – Fate Route:
-Fended off Lancer/Cu Chulainn
-Busted out Excalibur’s true form and destroyed Rider/Medusa in one shot
-With Shirou’s help, defeated Berserker/Hercules
-Killed the master swordsman (Fake) Assassin, parrying a technique that was capable of slicing the laws of physics
-Killed Gilgamesh himself by resorting to a trump card that surpassed even Ea
-Was underpowered for all of this thanks to having Shirou Emiya as a Master

Fate/stay night – Unlimited Blade Works Route:
-Fended off Lancer/Cu Chulainn
-Though underpowered, through sheer skill Saber matched Berserker/Hercules in direct combat and even landed a mortal blow
-Still considered enough of a threat that Archer refused to fight her directly, even when he wanted to kill Shirou
-Received a massive power up with Rin Tohsaka as her Master

Fate/stay night – Heaven’s Feel Route:
Actions as Saber Alter:
-Easily swats away Archer
-Murders Rider/Medusa and Shirou simultaneously in one Bad End
-Curbstomps Berserker/Hercules
-In the Fate/unlimited code video game, even defeats her default self

Fate/hollow ataraxia:
-Dominated Archer in a duel
-Unleashed the full power of Excalibur on an army of Avenger copies

Louis: All right! With ALL that backstory out of the way, let’s get to the part that really matters. First off, what are your greatest strengths of being a Saber-class Servant?

Saber: For starters, all my base stats like Strength, Endurance, and Mana range from mid-B to A++, which is not only high, but incredibly balanced. Not only that, but I also have powerful skills I’ve acquired both as a Servant and the former King of Britain. These include high-level magic resistance, Charisma fit for a king, and razor-sharp combat instinct.

Saber’s Stats:
* Alignment: Lawful Good
* Strength: A
* Endurance: B
* Agility: B
* Mana: A
* Luck:A+
* N. Phantasm:A++

Class Skills:
* Magic Resistance: A
* Riding: B

Personal Skills:
* Charisma: B
* Instinct: A
* Prana Burst: A

Noble Phantasms:
* Excalibur: A++
* Invisible Air: C
* Avalon: EX

Emily: Already this looks very impressive, but I think we’re only getting started!

Louis: For such a small-looking woman–no offense–you’re clearly not someone to underestimate!

Saber: Indeed. Being a Servant comes with plenty of perks. I’m strong enough to throw a 80,000 trailer truck, cause damage to hard steel and concrete, and even collapse an entire building with a swing of my sword! Furthermore, I’ve been quick enough to run up sheer walls and dodge machine gun fire. I could even outrun a possessed F-15 fighter jet!

Emily: You can actually outrun a bloody fighter plane!? Edward would be so jealous!

Louis: (Laughs) Yeah, I would LOVE to see the look on his face!

Emily: (Ignores him) But what if you end up getting hurt in battle? Would you be able to keep going?

Saber: Of course! My armor is enchanted with Mana, which is essentially the source of my world’s magic. Should my armor be damaged, I can use some of my Mana to repair it. Certain enchanted weapons like Lancer’s Gae Dearg spear can pierce it, but that’s an extremely rare case. Even without my armor, I’ve survived getting slammed around by Berserker, and even took a direct hit from Gilgamesh’s sword Ea!

Emily: What’s Ea?

Saber: It’s a blade whose power can warp reality by creating Reality Marbles–pocket dimensions based on the user’s memories.

NOTE: At the time Saber was struck, Ea was severely-handicapped. Even then, it has crippled high-level servants with a single hit.

Louis: Pocket dimen–what the hell is this!? Are we being visited by Dr. Strange now?

Emily: Don’t get upset, Mr. Louis. After all……it’s anime. (Smiles coyly)

Louis: (Chuckles) Okay, you got me there. Reality-bending bullshit aside, what other skills do you have?

Saber: This doesn’t have much to do with fighting, but the Grail gifts Servants like me certain information about the modern world. I also have the gift of Riding, meaning I can tame beasts and drive vehicles with relative ease.

Emily: You know about the modern world? Does that mean you understand this?  (Turns on the TV screen)

Saber: (Laughing) Yeah, Monty Python and the Holy Grail! Truly a classic!

Louis: (Puts on outrageous French accent) Mais bien sûr! Ah’m French too! Whae do you think Ah have zis outrrrageous accent?

Emily: (Imitating French accent) You do not frighten me, English pig-dog! (Blows raspberry)

Saber: (Winding down) Yes, yes. It is funny. But let’s move on, shall we?

Physicality & Skills:

Strength:
-Lifting Strength: Chucked a trailer truck with ease:
— Trailer trucks can weigh up to 80,000lbs with a full load
-Striking Strength:
— Even underpowered, could go toe-to-toe with Berserker/Hercules

-Boosted with Mana Burst
-Swings can level buildings
-An exchange of blows with Berserker or Lancer typically pulverizes steel and concrete from the resulting kinetic energy

Speed & Dexterity:
-Running Speed: Mach 15.13, outran a demonically empowered F-15 fighter jet
-Reflexes/Reaction Time: Est. Mach 45
-Boosted with Mana Burst
-Runs up vertical surfaces regularly
-Evaded automatic fire
-Enhanced via Eye of the Mind (True)

Durability:
-Enchanted armor
-Took hits from Berserker/Hercules
-Survived a direct hit from handicapped Ea

Adaptational:
-Adapted to modern times
-Adjusts combat strategies on the fly

Intelligence:
-Political and administrative savvy, became king at 14 and successfully led her country to prosperity
-Commanded large enemies and governed half of Britain
-Commands a respectable knowledge of magecraft

Master Swordswoman:
-Gilgamesh himself wouldn’t want to engage her in a simple duel:
— Of course not, the pretentious, arrogant prick
-Became Shirou’s mentor in swordsmanship

Sixth Sense:
-Borders on precognition, advances reaction time

Blessing of the Lady of the Lake:
-Can walk/run on water

Emily: (Reads the chart) This part is interesting. It says here that you can walk on water?

Louis: What, is she Jesus all of a sudden?

Saber: (Chuckles) I don’t think Jesus would be the type to get involved in a Death Battle. No, what allows me to walk on water is the Lady of the Lake’s blessing.

Emily: Is it like how Sonic the Hedgehog can run on water because he’s so fast?

Saber: Not quite. It’s more like the water becomes solid beneath my feet, as if I’m standing on solid ground.

Saber running on water due to her blessing from Lady of the Lake [Fate/Zero]
byu/Ownsin inanimegifs

Emily: I see. Well it’s a good thing you’re not an Olympic swimmer or you’d be DQ’d on the spot!

Louis: But while pretending to be Jesus is fun, it’s not a power that’s gonna decide any matches. So, what super powerful moves do you have that can really turn the tide?

Saber: Like all Servants, I possess Noble Phantasms–powerful weapons or attacks based on one’s accomplishments in their past life. In my case, my Noble Phantasms are tied to my sword Excalibur.

Emily: Of course, since it’s your greatest weapon and all.

Saber: Well, it’s not exactly what you think. While Noble Phantasms are powerful, they aren’t always weapons per se. Some don’t even have physical form, like my usage of Invisible Air–Wind Magic that I can use to conceal my blade.

Louis: What the hell’s the point of not being able to see your own weapon?

Emily: That should be obvious! If you can’t see it, then neither can your opponent!

Saber: Yes, and this makes my sword that much harder to dodge since my opponent can’t determine its length. I can also conjure wind around myself as a shield or even an attack. Besides, since the opponent won’t know that I wield Excalibur, they won’t be able to keep tabs on me based on my history.

Louis: (Blushes) R–right. I knew that. I was just trying to see if the rookie could figure it out.

(Saber and Emily both look unconvinced.)

Emily: Uh-huh.

Saber: Riiiiight.

Louis: Let’s just talk about the damn sword!

Emily: In my bedtime stories, I learned that Excalibur was a divine and mighty sword, capable of slaying all sorts of monsters and demons.

Saber: Those stories are accurate. I’ve taken down many a worthy foe using Excalibur, before and since the Holy Grail Wars. And with enough magic and charge time, I can unleash my ultimate Noble Phantasm: “The Sword of Promised Victory.”

(Louis and Emily stare at the screen, amazed)

Emily: That……….Was……….

Louis: FUCKING INCREDIBLE!!!

Saber: (Just smiles proudly)

Noble Phantasms:


INVISIBLE AIR:

* Wind Manipulation
* Anti-Unit level Phantasm
* Hides Excalibur’s Identity
* Obscures blade’s length
* Defensive and offensive purposes


EXCALIBUR:
“The Sword of Promised Victory:
–Rank A++
-Anti-Fortress rank
-Divine Blasts
-Holy Nature:
–Effective against Dark Beings
–Powerful enough to annihilate a kaiju-sized Gilles de Rais
-It’s just……fucking awesome

(Louis and Emily snap out of it)

Emily: (Gasps) Oh, my God! (Pages through the script) Bollocks, I lost track! What page are we on?

Louis: Forget the script, Em! So…..Saber, your Noble Phantasms are certainly impressive. (Especially that second one.)

Saber: But there is one more I’ve yet to cover. And it all has to do with Excalibur’s sheath, Avalon.

Louis: Seriously? The scabbard?

Emily: (Confused) Hold on. The sword I understand, but how on Earth is a scabbard an effective weapon?

Louis: Ever played Soul Calibur VI? Mitsurugi has some moves where he whacks the opponent with a sheath.

(Check out Arkham500’s YouTube Channel for awesome SC6 videos!)

Saber: No, no, that’s not how it works. My Avalon acts more as a conduit for other magic abilities. Such powers include rapid healing, eternal youth, lifting curses, and brief invincibility. However, this invincibility has a severe time-limit.

Emily: Oh, like one of those stars from Mario?

Saber: Not quite. It can briefly transport me to the Realm of Fairies, rendering me impervious to even the most fearsome weapons. Not even Ea could touch me in that state. The only downside is that this lasts very briefly–only a minute at best. It’s rarely consistent.

Emily: So less like a Starman, more like a Great Fairy Fountain from Zelda.

Louis: But without that creepy bitch laughing at you like The Joker. You know the one.

Emily: (Hides beneath her hat) UUUUUUUUGH. Make it STOOOOOP!!!

Louis: Je déteste cette putain de fée.

Saber: (Confused silence) In any case…the Realm of Fairies’ defense will eventually expire, but by that point I would’ve been restored back to full health.

Emily: That’s great! Even the legendary King of Louiss needs a second wind!


AVALON:
– Scabbard of Excalibur:
— Rank: EX
-Enhances Healing
– Halts Aging
– Treats Curses
– Temporary Invincibility:
— 1-60 Seconds
— Keeps her safe from all attacks, including Ea
–Full-health Restoration after use

Louis: Alright! I think this is plenty of information for us to work with! All that’s left now is to move on to your weakness–

(Saber stares down silently, almost as if she’s uncomfortable)

Emily: Ms. Saber? Are you all right? What’s wrong?

Saber: (Somberly) There’s…..one more thing I need to discuss. But I warn you, it’s not something one should take lightly. It’s a sort of dark state that I get into when I face an overwhelming opponent like Berserker.

Louis: Oh, man. Here we go.

Emily: (Fearful) What is this power called?

Saber: I call it…….Saber Alter.

Emily: Well, that doesn’t sound too threatening.

Louis: (Saber Alter, eh? This should be interesting.)

Emily: (Horrified) My God! I was so, so wrong!

(Louis is munching on a bowl of popcorn)

Emily: Seriously!? How could you enjoy that!?

Louis: A battle between an evil Fem!King Arthur and a mutated Hercules? How could I not enjoy it? (Shares popcorn) You want some?

Emily: No, thank you! Saber, just–what on Earth was that!?

Saber: That was the malevolent power of Saber Alter. Sadly, it was the only way I could put down Berserker for good. When I go into this state, I lose all sanity and moral code, and turn into a raging beast. My strength, endurance, and magical power skyrocket. My Excalibur is also replaced with an even stronger version of the original. My wounds also heal much sooner thanks to an much more potent healing factor. The only drawback is that I become slightly slower, which is hardly an issue.

Emily: Even with all those benefits, a warrior of your caliber should have no need for evil power! What would drive you to become something like that!?

Louis: (Angrily) Emily, that’s enough! Every hero has a dark side! And Saber said she only turns into hers as a last resort! Hell, she probably hates going into it! Just calm down and be quiet!

(Emily quiets down, looking guilty)

Louis: (Sighs)……..But, she makes a good point. What causes you to become Saber Alter?

Saber: Ironically, it was the Holy Grail. Turns out that it was not the omnipotent wish-granter we thought it was. Long ago, a Babylonian Dark God named Angra Mainyu filled the Grail with evil power. And unfortunately, I happened to suffer exposure to that very corruption. That same evil power still runs in my veins, though I fight every day to resist it.

Louis: So what you’re saying is, whatever vile shit Angra Mainyu infected the Grail with…..

Emily: (Apologetic)….Has infected you, too. I’m so sorry.

Saber: (Forgiving) It’s alright. I’m glad now you understand. I have managed to turn back into my normal form, but only when I’m around an emotional anchor like my master Shirou Emiya.

Emily: The more I hear this, the more I’m reminded of Raven’s Trigon form from Raven vs Shanoa.

Louis: If that’s the case, Shanoa’s gonna have some Vietnam War flashbacks if it comes to this.


SABER ALTER:

-Born from the Corrupted Grail
-Boosted Healing Factor
-Significant physique boost:
–Easily defeated Berserker/Hercules
–Defeated her default self w/ease
–Slower than default Saber
–No indication of Avalon usage
-Black Excalibur:
–MUCH stronger than default Excalibur

NOTE: It’s implied that Saber can enter this state at will, but she avoids it because of its corruptive nature.

Louis: Ooooookay. Any more shocking, terrifying powers you need to share?

Saber: No, there’s nothing more.

Emily: Then I think it’s time to wrap this up! What are the limits of your powers, and what weaknesses could your opponent exploit?

Saber: For starters, my magic supply is limited, as is Avalon’s. I have to use my best moves sparingly or risk complete exhaustion. Such limits also apply to my Magic Resistance.

Louis: Isn’t there also the fact that your power can be dependent on your Master?

Emily: Perhaps, but I doubt we have to worry about that in a Death Battle.

Louis: You’re absolutely right. There’s also the fact that her Alter form is…well, her Alter form. But we already covered it, and I really don’t want any more of that drama.


WEAKNESSES:
– Limited Magic Supply
–Applies to Avalon as well
-Excalibur’s stronger moves can drain her
-Power varies depending on her master
-Magic Resistance has limits
-Alter Form is completely insane
–Requires emotional anchor to return to normal

Emily: But when all is said and done, Saber is no less a formidable force! Through all her heroic deeds and victories, she became a timeless figure both as the King of England, and the heroine of the Fate series!

Louis: And as a Louis myself, I know that if your Servant is the Legendary King Arthur (her)self, then you know you’re in good hands.

Emily: Well Saber, it was an honor to have you on this show with us. And……I’m sorry I overreacted earlier.

Saber: It’s no problem at all! And the honor was all mine! I’m glad that I was able to give you all the research you needed.

Louis: Wait! One last thing! (Draws sword and raises it) EXCALIBUUUUUUUR!!!

Saber: (Stunned for a second, but then chuckles) Very well. (Draws Excalibur) EXCALIBUUUUUUUR!!!

Louis: Always wanted to do that. (Sheathes sword) Alright. Merci et adieu, mon roi.

Saber: And I bid you adieu as well. Thanks again!

(Saber leaves the interview room. The cameras shut down)

Emily: So that’s it? We’re done!

Louis: Okay, okay, okay! That’s the end of the Prelude! We got everything we need from both contestants! Now we just have to make the fight! C’mon, let’s go get lunch.

Emily: Aye, sir!

(“I only joined this war to avoid spilling rivers of blood. Fight for the Holy Grail, no meaningless bloodshed, minimize sacrifices, one person taking up the mission of fate instead of armies of men and competing here! This is what we Servants should do.”)

BONUS VIDEO!!!

 


EPILOGUE:

 

(They’re walking down the hall, on their way to the cafeteria)

Louis: So Em, how do you feel? You enjoy your first time?

Emily: It was amazing! I love being part of this show! The music and the script! Meeting Shanoa and Saber face-to-face! It was all so grand! So, how did I do my first time?

Louis: For the most part, you did alright. You treated the guests politely, you followed the script well (mostly), but weren’t afraid to improvise a little bit. You even threw in a couple of your own jokes like the Monty Python one! I think you might have a future here at DBHQ.

Emily: (Stunned) You mean…….I can work here?

Louis: We’ll call this your “job interview”, and I say you passed it. I’ll have Hiro give you some training and practice runs. We’ll then find you a partner, and give you a few projects of your own. Is that good?

Emily: Is that good!? It’s wonderful! (She hugs him tight) Thank you sooooooo much, Mr. Louis! I promise you won’t regret this!

Louis: (Struggling to breathe) Okay, okay! Y–you’re welcome! You—you can let me go now! (Gasps) Anyway, I’m glad you’re excited. And I’m sorry for losing my temper at you earlier. That was totally unprofessional of me.

Emily: It’s not problem. I was a wee bit unprofessional myself. But honestly, for one who appears so brash and impulsive, you’re a lot nicer in person.

Louis: Well, you’re a much easier person to work with. Unlike that idiot brother of yours.

(Emily glares at him, almost looking offended)

Louis: Hm? What’s the matter?

Emily: (Angrily) It’s just…..I wish you’d stop saying all these rude things about my brother!

Louis: (Oh, shit! Now I’ve done it!) L–look, Em! I didn’t mean–

Emily: You and Edward always take shots at each other, and I’m sick of it! Look, I’ve known my brother for 189 years! He can be stubborn, pushy, even a bit arrogant sometimes! But do you think you don’t act like that yourself!? You two have a lot more in common than you realize. But you can’t see that because you’re too caught up in your stupid debate over weapons and magic!

Louis: Maybe that’s true, but do you know how aggravating it is to hear him talk shit about weapon users like me or Hiro!? Calling us shit like “uncivilized” or “barbaric!?”

Emily: And you always call him “weak” or “cowardly” because he’s a magic user like me! This narrow-minded behavior you share is why you always end up fighting! My family has existed in Europe for 4,000 years. In all that time, we’ve seen countless wars and conquests waged by people’s greed and distrust of each other. As centuries passed, technology grew, and so did the number of lives taken in such atrocities! Some people in my family began to see as a symbol of people’s greed and desire for destruction! See, that’s why Edward hates weapons so much!

Louis: (Gives a look like he finally understands) Alright, I get where you’re coming from. But he should learn that technology is only a tool. Carrying a sword or a gun does not make someone a psychotic warlord or mass murderer out to destroy people. In fact, having one is an enormous responsibility requiring someone to have the training and discipline not to abuse it. As a Knight, I believe the only time one should draw their weapon is in self-defense or in defense of another.

Emily: Aye, I agree with you! And Edward feels the same way about magic! He uses his magic as a tool to defend himself or others, but only uses it to fight as a last resort. He also believes that one should have the wisdom to find other ways to solve conflicts without violence. And as a medical witch, I use my magic to heal people suffering from wounds, curses or sickness. Anything can be good or bad, depending on how one uses it. Being a magic user does not make you a spineless, pompous blowhard anymore than being a weapon user make you a murderous, trigger-happy madman.

(Pause)

Emily: So, bottom line: Promise me that you’ll end your childish bickering with Edward, and be nicer to him.

Louis: (Sighs) Okay, I promise.

Emily: I need your word. Promise me that you’ll be nicer to him.

(Louis sighs again and draws his sword. He turns the flat end toward his face and stands in a chivalrous way)

Louis: (Solemnly) I, Louis Lafayette LeVainquer, in the name of my father Alphonse, all my ancestors and descendants, and to Almighty God, do pledge with honor and humility as a Knight–lest I die in disgrace and my name lost to the ages–that I from this day forth shall forego my past quarreling with thy brother Edward, and treat him with respect and friendship as if he were my own. I shall cast away all arrogant and foolish behavior, and act as a man with chivalry and dignity. Je vous promets ma parole, Emily Elvis, alors aidez-moi, mon Dieu.

(He puts the sword back)

Louis: There. Satistfied?

Emily: (Smiles) A tad long-winded, but yes!

Louis: Good, ’cause I ain’t doing it again!……..Wait a minute, did you say you’re 189 years old!?

Emily: Aye! And Edward’s 195! Surprised?

Louis: N–not at all! You look great! Let’s just get to the lunchroom already.

Emily: Yeah! I’m starving!

(Emily walks ahead, but Louis stays behind. He grabs his phone out of his pocket. He looks at his contacts and calls the name “Lily”.)

Lily: (On the other line) Hola, Lulu! It’s been so long, my love! How’ve you been?

Louis: Still handsome as ever, mon amour. But how many times do I have to tell you not to call me Lulu?

Lily: That depends, guapo. Are you calling me for a date, or is there a big, shiny treasure begging for me take it?

Louis: Neither, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m calling because I have a job you might be interested.

Lily: Oh, really? Go on.

Louis: How much do you know about Death Battle?


Special thanks to my good friend and mentor Sarge Ray for providing Saber’s bio and helping with banter and research.