One Minute Melee!
Where all the fights are settled in just a few paragraphs!
No rules!
No research!
Sixty (or more) seconds!
MEEEELEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! GO!
(Press any button to start)
[Louis’ name is the French pronunciation. (Pronounced “Louie”)]
This Episode’s Players:
Louis LeVainquer (Player 1)
Edward Elvis (Player 2)
Louis: Okay, who should I kick your ass with this time?
Edward: (Laughing confidently) Oh, you’ll be surprised how much I’ve practiced this game behind your back, Louis.
Louis: You mean besides the time you’ve spent practicing your prissy little parlor tricks?
Edward: Oi, do you want me to turn your $400 PS4 into a giant cockroach?
Louis: (Silent)
Edward: I thought not. Let’s just select our characters already.
(The two search around the select screen for a while)
Louis: I think I’m in a Walking Dead mood. I’ll pick Clementine.
Name: Clementine
Age: 17
Sex: Female
Appearance: The Walking Dead (Telltale games)
A young survivor of the zombie apocalypse in North America. Hardened by years of fighting walkers and bandits, she’ll do whatever is necessary to stay alive.
Edward: Zombie survivor waifus, huh? Well, in that case, I guess I’ll pick Ellie.
Name: Ellie
Age: 19
Sex: Female
Appearance: The Last of Us Part 1, 2
A wandering girl who is the sole carrier of an immunity to a fungal zombie outbreak that’s plaguing her country. She now goes on a quest of revenge to kill a group of raiders who destroyed her home.
Louis: Bien! Now we just need to pick a stage and we’re good to go.
(Louis scrolls through four or five stages until he stops on “Abandoned Campsite (Night)”)
Edward: Seems appropriate for two people fighting in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.
Louis: Abandoned Campsite it is! Let the battle of the zombie waifus commence!
Ready to rock?
→ Hell yeah!
One more minute…
(Louis selects “Hell yeah!” and the game goes into a loading screen)
(Loading. Loading. Loading. Loading.)
December 24
Somewhere in Virginia, USA
Things couldn’t be worse for Clementine. Just days ago, she was separated from her group of survivors thanks to the last walker horde they encountered on the road. For three days, she was wandering alone through the vast forests of Virginia. She had no idea where her group was. For all she knew, they either died, stopped to look for her to no avail, or just decided to move on without her.
On top of that, it was two months into winter. Clementine had been traveling for so long she hadn’t had time to dress warmly. The air howled with a merciless wind that caused Clementine’s body to shiver. The trees and grass were buried under a deep layer of snow that was not only hard to walk, but painfully cold. The cold was so intense that it caused her ears, toes, and fingers to go numb. Worst of all, it was nighttime. The sun had went down hours ago, and there wasn’t even a full moon to take its place. Clem was left with nothing more than a dying flashlight to find her way through the orchard.
Amazingly, the seventeen-year-old hadn’t run into any walkers or bandits for three days. Her biggest enemy right now was the cold. Her only hope was to find a shelter where she could rest and warm up in until morning. Eventually, she came up to the top of a snowhill, and felt like her prayers were answered. Within the valley was a row of three tents surrounding an unlit campfire. The sheer amount of joy Clem was feeling was enough to make her ignore the cold.
She rushed downhill into the camp, using her flashlight to scan for any walkers, humans, or animals. She only spotted one. Lying facedown next to the fire pit was the motionless corpse of an older man. He sported a small tuft of white hair on his chin, and his skin turned almost yellow. The man must have been dead for months. Clementine also noticed a bullet wound on the left side of the man’s head, as well as a revolver pistol held in his hand. The last thing Clem saw was a bite mark on the man’s leg. It didn’t take long to figure out how he died.
“I’m sorry you had to this to yourself.” She thought. For a brief moment Clementine remembered the heartbreaking moment when she was forced to shoot her father figure Lee to save him from becoming a walker.
She then shook her head and resumed her search.
Lucky for her, the dead man was wearing a large, probably heavy backpack that had to contain enough supplies to keep Clem going for another week. She opened the backpack. Jackpot. This guy had everything: water, canned food, matches, a compass, a Swiss army knife, ammunition, even winter clothes that can fit Clementine! Whoever this guy was, he sure knew how to stay prepared.
Clementine gathered some firewood and used the matches to start a small fire. The warm, glowing ember lit up the camp, soothing its caster’s freezing body. Clem took out a can of red beans, heated it up over the fire, and ate its contents ravenously. Sure, it wasn’t much, but any bit of food was like a blessing for her aching stomach.
As the fire died down, the Georgian survivor walked over to one of the tents, taking the revolver with her in case of intruders. She then crawled beneath the makeshift covers and finally went to sleep.
Louis: Golly, how long do we have to wait until the fight starts!?
Edward: You’re so impatient. Just enjoy the cutscene.
(Two hours later)
Clementine’s sleep was disturbed when she felt a strange heat from outside. Through the narrow slit of her tent’s curtains, Clem noticed a campfire outside.
“What the Hell?” The girl thought. “I thought I put out the campfire already? Someone else must be here.”
Clem nervously grabbed her revolver, but hid it in the back of her jeans to avoid any unwanted conflict. Outside her tent, she now saw that her hunch was right–there was another visitor in this camp.
The person in question was a young girl who seemed a few years older than Clem. She had short, dull red hair that was tied in a ponytail, a faded white T-shir worn beneath a baby blue jacket, a pair of jeans that looked like they haven’t been washed for months, and a black backpack that still looked usable despite a few scratches and cuts. The stranger was helping herself to a can of roasted red beans–obviously from the backpack Clementine looted earlier. She was visibly armed with a bolt-action hunting rifle, which made Clem doubly cautious.
The intruder didn’t seem all that threatening, but if there was one thing Clem learned after several long years it’s to never, ever, let your guard down in front of strangers. Especially if they’re armed. Right now, all she could do was try to play it safe and talk with her “guest”.
“Uh, hello?” She greeted the other girl.
The redhead stopped eating and noticed Clementine. In a panic, she jumped to her feet and pointed her rifle at Clementine. “Don’t move! Who the fuck are you!?” She demanded.
Clementine raised her hands. “Whoa! Whoa! Calm down! I’m not gonna hurt you! I just want to know who you are!”
“Why the fuck should I tell you!?” The intruder protested.
Clementine had to give an answer fast:
: Because I’m like you.
: Because I told you to!
: I’ll kill you if you don’t!
: Say nothing.
“Because I’m like you.” She answered. “I don’t know who you are, but I know you and I both just want to survive. So please, just put the gun do–“
“So we want the same thing. That doesn’t make us friends.” The intruder replied coldly. “Besides, you don’t know shit about me, so don’t pretend that you do. Now tell me–who the Hell are you!?”
: Why should I if you won’t tell me?
: Tell me who you are first!
: I’m Clementine.
: Say nothing.
“Tell me your name, and I’ll tell you mine.” Clementine spoke in an assertive tone.”I think that’s fair, isn’t it?.”The rifle-wielding girl gritted her teeth and went silent for a second. She eventually decided to tell Clem.
“Ellie.”
“And I’m Clementine. See, was that so hard, Ellie? Now just put the gun down, and let’s ta–“
“SHUT UP! I answered your question, now get the fuck away from me! I’ve been wandering around starving and freezing for weeks! This backpack is the biggest score I’ve found, and I’m not gonna lose it!”
: I need it too!
: There’s enough for both of us.
: I’m not giving it up!
: Say nothing
Clementine was really losing her patience. “I need that backpack just as much as you! Without it, I’ll starve and freeze to death out here! And that’s if I don’t get bitten by walkers!”
“Your problem, not mine. Only way you’re getting these supplies is if you pry them from my cold, dead fingers! Now, I’m gonna say this one last time: Turn around and get the Hell out of my sight.“
: No way in Hell! [Draw revolver]
: Fine. [Leave campsite]
At that point, Clem had just about enough of Ellie’s shit. “There’s no way in Hell I’m leaving without that food!” She took cover behind a nearby tree and unholstered her pistol.
Ellie looked down the sight of her rifle and fingered the trigger.
No amount of negotiations was going to resolve this. Now, it was just survival of the fittest.
Louis: (Grips his controller tightly) Finally! Time to kick your ass, Eddy!
Edward: (Does the same) Hope you’re ready to get wrecked, Louis!
(Fight art commission drawn by Carbonated-Jem)
FIGHT!!!
(1:00)
Ellie aimed her rifle and fired the first two shots. The first bullet scraped the bark across the tree. The second one drilled through the tree just inches above Clem’s head. Before Clem could fire back, the older survivor took cover behind a pile of snow-covered rocks.
Clementine opened her pistol and checked her ammo. “Dammit!” She hissed. “Five bullets. Gotta make ’em count!”
The younger survivor aimed and returned fire. The first two rounds harmlessly ricocheted off Ellie’s rock cover while the third one landed into the snow behind her.
Unharmed, the redheaded intruder fired two more rounds, the second one so accurate it nearly took off Clem’s ear!
Clementine clutched her ear in alarm, thankful that she wasn’t hit. Even so, Ellie proved she was a better shot, even in this total darkness. It also didn’t help that Ellie’s rifle was much more accurate than a revolver. Worst of all, Clementine only had two shots left, and her tree offered her little protection. If she didn’t act soon, she would end up dead while her intruder made off with the survival gear.
Luckily for Clem, Ellie had only one shot left before the reload. The redhead looked down her sight and fired another round that whistled into the forest without hitting its target. Another wasted shot.
“Fuck! Gotta reload!” Ellie shouted inwardly as she scoured her backpack for spare clips.
The survivor from Georgia noticed the sudden silence. She figured that her enemy must have run out of bullets. This was as good as time as any to plan a counterattack. Clem she noticed to her right a row of trees and bushes concealing a slowy pathway that led right to Ellie’s position. Clementine could smirked. Now she had a plan.
Meanwhile, Ellie inserted a new clip into her rifle and took aim at Clementine’s tree, only to find that she was no longer there. Ellie took out her flashlight and furiously scanned the camp.
“Where the Hell did she get to!?”
(0:40)
So far, so good.
Clementine saw the bright beam from Ellie’s flashlight scanning the campsite. She was fine as long as she avoided the light.
The pigtailed survivor crouched and walked silently along the path hidden by the trees and bushes. The path ahead was dark and the snow muffled Clem’s footsteps, making it an ideal flanking route. Her plan was to get close to Ellie’s cover and take her out with her last shots, ending the fight right then and there. It was a risky move, sure, but one that would definitely pay off if it works.
At least, that’s what she hoped.
About halfway through, Clementine felt something grab her ankle! The young girl struggled to free herself, but couldn’t. The thing in question felt like a human hand, except with rotting, skeletal flesh like a corpse. The hand also gave off a putrid, cadaverous small that would’ve made Clem vomit if she wasn’t already so terrified. Most disturbing was the low, inhuman snarling that came from the hand’s owner. To her horror, the girl knew exactly what had grabbed her.
“A walker!? Here!? Why now of all times!?” The pigtailed girl frantically kicked at the zombie’s head again and again, but to no avail. The zombie slowly inched itself closer to Clem’s ankle and opened its jaw.
Clementine’s plan was in jeopardy. Getting bitten by this walker would be catastrophic for her. If that happened, it wouldn’t matter if she beats Ellie. Clem would only suffer as the virus consumed her body, slowly killing her and turning her into another walker……….the same fate that Lee suffered.
“No! I can’t get bit! Not like Lee did!“
The survivor had no choice. She lifted her revolver and pointed it at the zombie’s forehead. She knew that her whole plan would be ruined as soon as she fired, but it was either that or let herself get devoured. The zombie went closer up the young girl’s leg and prepared to bite.
*BANG!!!*
Ellie noticed the loud gunshot and snapped her flashlight towards the bushes on her left. The redhead smiled–her enemy just made a fatal mistake.
“Dumbass. Now I know where you’re hiding.” Ellie mocked as she reached into her backpack and pulled out a 9mm handgun, along with her flashlight. There was no way that little bitch was going to survive this.
As for Clem, it was a good news/bad news situation. The good news: she killed the walker and saved herself from death. The bad news: she was down to one bullet, and now her cover was blown. So much for her plan.
“Bastard!” She cursed at the now-dead zombie. “If you hadn’t got in my way, I would’ve–” Clem went silent as soon as she saw the stream of light from behind. She scrambled behind a tree and hid away from Ellie. The redhead’s footsteps against the snow grew louder, and the beam from her flashlight grew narrower. The two girls were now mere feet away from each other.
Clementine knew this was her last chance. If her bullet hits Ellie, she could still have a chance to win. If she missed, it was all over.
She had to make this last shot count…
(20 Sec.)
Clementine fired!
*BANG!*
Finally, a direct hit! The bullet passed clean through Ellie’s left hand, causing her to drop her flashlight. Clementine tackled the older girl through the bushes. The two girls tumbled back into the campsite where they started.
Clem was on top, and she struggled to take Ellie’s 9mm while the older girl flailed and kicked furiously to shake her off. Eventually, she wrested her right arm free and smacked her pistol against Clem’s forehead before kicking her off.
Clementine landed on her back and threw a handful of snow at Ellie’s face. The cold mush stung and blinded Ellie, buying Clem a few extra seconds.
The Georgian noticed an old rusted shovel sticking blade-down out of the ground just behind her. One good bash against Ellie’s skull should be enough to bring her down. Clem scattered back and grabbed the shovel, it’s heavy metal blade banging against the snow. She raised her shovel and charged towards Ellie!
Ellie wiped the snow off her face, but was too late to avoid Clem’s shovel. The younger girl swung and bashed the gun out of Ellie’s hand. The redhead avoided the next swing and grabbed the handle, ignoring the pain in her bleeding left hand. The two girls pushed and pulled with all their might to get the shovel out of the other’s hands. But Ellie was older and stronger than Clem was.
Ellie kicked Clementine off and took the shovel. Once again Clem was on the snow, unarmed and helpless. She tried to crawl away, but lost her footing each time. The older girl walk in shovel in hand, ready to bash the younger girl’s skull.
At this moment, Clem thought that this was the end. “I’m finished! Ellie’s gonna either kill or knock me out and take all the supplies for herself!”
Suddenly, her hand landed on a cold, metal object in the snow. “Ellie’s gun! I got one last chance to win!”
Clementine raised the gun and aimed.
*BANG!*
The first bullet tore through Ellie’s right leg! The redhead screamed in pain as she collapsed onto the snow.
*BANG!*
The second bullet pierced right at the end of Ellie’s shoulder, forcing her to drop the shovel.
“That’s it! Now’s my chance!” Thought Clementine as she got up and rushed towards the fallen shovel. She picked it up and swung with all her strength.
*THUNK!*
(Stop music)
The shovel’s blade slammed Ellie’s face. Her whole body crashed into the snow like a sack of bricks. A large red bruise had formed on her head where she had been hit.
Clementine stood with her shovel, pausing to see if Ellie would get back up. She didn’t.
“Finally. She’s down. It’s over.” Relived, Clementine dropped the shovel and took another look at Ellie. It was hard to tell, but the older girl was still breathing. She was unconscious, but alive.
“Well, it would be wrong to let her just bleed to death,” Clementine thought. “But I don’t want her being a threat to me again, either.”
So with that, Clementine confiscated the gun and checked the backpack for a First Aid kit to treat Ellie’s wounds and something to tie her up with.
K.O.!!!
And This Melee’s Winner Is…
Clementine!
(Player 1 Wins!)
P1: 1 Win
P2: 0 Win
TROPHY UNLOCKED!:
“Still…Not…Bitten!”:
Win a match as Clementine
The Dead Shall Walk:
Win a match as any Walking Dead character
Louis: (Laughing) I win again! And I got two trophies from it! So much for all your “practice”, Eddy!
Edward: Bollocks, I hate this game! Clementine’s so bloody overpowered!
Louis: Overpowered!? She’s like, 15th on the tier list! If anything, you had the better character! It’s not her fault you suck!
Edward: You were camping in the bushes half the time, you cheat!
Louis: Camping!? I was flanking you! You had the range advantage on me with that stupid rifle! Not to mention that damn stage hazard zombie got the jump on me!
Edward: Well…….you wouldn’t have won if you didn’t use that damned shovel!
Louis: It’s called “using items” you stupid fu–
???: Geh schlafen und niemals aufwachen!
(The two suddenly drop to the floor in a deep sleep. A young girl with white robes and brown hair appears in the room.)
Emily: (Annoyed sigh) My brother and Mr. Louis. When will you two fools learn to get along?
