Lily: (Latin American accent) So, Lulu? Explain to me again what the hell this place is, and what I’m doing here?

Louis: This is the new testing room of the Arkham Death Battle Arena. You’re going to be a co-host for one of our new members.

Lily: Really, now? Sounds hella fun! And do I get paid for any of this?

Louis: That….depends on if you’re able to put on a good performance or not. This is your trial run, Lily. If you do well, our boss will assign you as a co-host to one of our other rookies, Emily. She’s Edward’s little sister.

Lily: Yo entiendo. (Pauses, as if she’d realized something.) Hold on, Edward? You don’t mean that same Edward from the Mii Fighting League years ago? The nerdy Irish magician guy you always got into fights with?

Louis: (Sighs) He’s actually Scottish. But yeah, it’s the same one. His sister joined as a substitute while he went back to Scotland to help his dad with a wizar d’s gathering or some shit. But she performed so well that we decided to take her in full-time.

Lily: Well good for her! I didn’t know Eddy had a sister. She’s not a stuck-up pendeja like her bro, right?

Louis: Emily can be a handful sometimes, but she’s got a good heart, and she’s not nearly as aggravating. Just…..try not to talk shit about her brother in front of her. I did it after our first episode together, and she really let me have it.

Lily: (Laughs out loud ) Damn, sounds like I’ll really like her! I’m glad she’s got enough balls to put you in your place, Lulu!

Louis: (Exasperated) And for God’s sake, can you NOT call me “Lulu” here!? I don’t mind if you do it anywhere else, but do you realize how unmanly it sounds?

Lily: Oh, don’t you start! I think it’s adorable! Like the name for a puppy!

Louis: No, Lulu is what you call your 6-year-old daughter in a ballet class in Paris! Not the name for a Blue Knight of the House of LeVainquer! 

Lily: There you go again with the “Noble House of LeVainquer” mierda. Just ’cause one of your ancestors did something five hundred years ago doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it. Besides, you could do with some ballet lessons next time you take me dancing, Mr. Two Left Feet!

Louis: No way in Hell am I prancing around in a pink tutu!

Lily: We’ll see, Lulu.

Louis: Anyway, this is where you’ll be conducting the show. Emily should be here any minute now. (He opens the door, and finds the room is empty.) Huh? Where the hell did she get to?

Lily: Either she just turned invisible, or she’s late.

Louis: She told me on the phone she was here alre–

(A white flash fills the room. Emily teleports in behind them.)

Emily: (Light Scottish accent) Goooooooood morning, Mr. Louis!

Louis: AHH! What the–

Lily: ¿¡Qué chingados!?

Emily: (Laughing merrily)

Louis: How many times have I told you not to sneak up on people!?

Emily: (Still laughing) Now you’re starting to sound like Edward!

Lily: (Also starts laughing)

Louis: You too, Lily?

Lily: I’m laughing at you, Lulu! You just jumped and shouted like “AHHHH!”

Louis: You jumped too, you hypocrite! (Sighs) Annnnnyway, you two will be partners from now on. Take some time to get to know each other.

Emily: Right! (Smiles and bows politely) Hello there! I’m Emily Elvis! I’m new here. I’m covering for my brother Edward while he’s away.

Lily: ¡Ay, que linda! My name’s Liliana Ladrona. But my friends usually call me Lily.

Emily: Actually……..you do look a bit familiar. (Gasps) You’re Lily the Bandida, from Legends Pro Wrestling, aren’t you!

Lily: Look at that, she even knows who I am! You watch our show?

Emily: Aye! Mr. Hiro and I watch your shows on the telly! You and Selina Lopez are amazing!

Louis: I’m surprised you watch wrestling. I thought you didn’t like violence?

Emily: Not violence for violence’s sake. But violence for sport is fun to watch!

Lily: Smart, funny, and has a cute accent. Now I really like her! So where are you from anyway? Great Britain?

Emily: Technically yes, but I’m Scottish, not English. And I assume you’re Spanish?

Lily: Close, but I’m not from Spain. Straight from Tijuana, México.

Louis: Cool, cool. I’m glad you two hit it off so well, but the Prelude is starting soon. (Turns to Lily) Lily, are you sure you’re ready for this? Do you remember everything I told you to do?

Lily: Yeah, yeah. Be polite to the guests. Keep the conversation active. Don’t threaten to strangle someone to death with my whip.

Louis: And keep to the script.

Lily: Script!? I don’t need no stinking script! Just watch me!

Emily: (Giggles) Well, this is all well and fun, but our show is about to start. Shall we move on?

Lily: You got it! Lead the way, mija! (She kisses Louis on the lips) ¡Ciao, Lulu!

(They enter the Interview Room)

Louis: Ciao, Lily. (Hmmm…….This should be interesting.)

---

Lily: Being the little sister can be tough. I should know–In Tijuana, I was adopted by a family with three older brothers. We used to get into a lot of trouble as kids.

Emily: As a younger sister myself, I also know the struggles of being the second child of the family. Many times, we have to push ourselves past our limits just to avoid being outshined by our older siblings.

Lily: Let’s look at Mega Man for example. For eleven games, that guy is always out killing evil robots, kicking Dr. Wily’s ass, and saving the world. And what’s his sister Roll doing? She’s at home sweeping the floor or washing clothes or cleaning out the machines. Whatever happened to equal rights!?

Emily: But sooner or later, some terrible emergency comes along and the hero is not available to solve it. It’s that moment where the younger sister finally gets her chance to become the hero she always knew she could be!

Lily: And this episode’s unlikely hero is…….

Roll! The younger sister of Mega Man!

And opposing her are….

 Jessie, James, and Meowth, Team Rocket’s trio of incompetent Pokemon thieves!

Me llamo Liliana Ladrona, la Bandida Violeta!

And I’m Emily Elvis, The White Mage!

Emily: And as always, we’ve invited two special guests representing each combatant! For Roll, we have the Blue Bomber himself, Mega Man (or Rock Man for our Japanese readers)!

Hey there! I heard my sister was getting her own episode!

Lily: And representing Team Rocket is……

Detective Pikachu, on the case!

Lily: (Confused stare)……A Pikachu?

Det. Pikachu: Not just any Pikachu, sweetheart! Do YOU know any Pikachus that are an ace detective with the chocolatey smooth voice of Ryan Reynolds?

Lily: (Wonderful. My first two guest hosts are a robot from the future and a talking Pokémon. Ay de mi.) Alright! Well, let’s not waste any more time! Let’s get this Prelude on the road!

Emily: Aye! Let’s go over each fighter’s skills, weapons, and armor to determine who would win….a Death Battle!

---

ROLL:
* Robot Number: DLN-002
* Nicknames: Roll; Roll Light
* Debut: Mega Man (1987)
* Height: Appx 4’4 (Shorter than Mega Man)
* Weight: Appx 230lbs (Should be no heavier than the average MM character)
* Age: Unknown (built with the appearance of a ten-year-old girl)
* Theme Song:

 

Emily: (Singing) Tsutaetai. Kono omoi. Tomaranai modorenai. Dakishimete. Tsukamaete mou hanasanai de.

Lily: What? Girl, what the hell are you singing?

Emily: Oh! S–sorry. They’re the Japanese lyrics to Roll’s theme song in Marvel vs Capcom.

Lily: You can speak Japanese?

Emily: Not really, aside from what I learned from anime. But I can speak German, French, and Russian.

Lily: (Impressed) Three other languages? You’re a little human Google Translate, aren’t you? So…..Mega Man, right? Thank you for joining us for our first official Prelude.

Mega Man: No problem! I’m super excited to be here to support my sister! So, what do you girls need me to do?

Emily: Before we discuss Roll’s weapons and powers, we need to know where she came from. So would you please tell us how you and your sister were created, and why?

Mega Man: Well, Roll and I were created by Dr. Thomas Light in the year 200X.

Lily: What the hell does the “X” stand for?

Mega Man: It’s Capcom’s way of saying: “We don’t wanna look like idiots to people in centuries from now, so the year is whatever the hell you want it to be.”

Emily: Well, at least they sidestepped that annoying science fiction problem. So, what was the world like in the future you lived in?

Earth in the Mega Man universe.

Mega Man: Robot technology went a really long way in the past decades, and it was largely thanks to Dr. Light. He designed all kinds of robots for household work, civil service, and all sorts of other tasks. But, Dr. Light’s real dream was to create a robot with AI so advanced, it could act and think like a real human! These would be known as the “Robot Masters.”

Emily: Like a futuristic version of Pinocchio!

Lily: Someone watches a lot of Disney Plus.

Emily: Aye. The classic 1940 one, though. Not that CGI disaster from 2022.

Mega Man: (Chuckles) Well, either way, Dr. Light made three attempts at creating a robot with humanoid AI. The first was my brother Protoman, but he escaped because  his energy core was unstable, and he was afraid the repairs by Dr. Light would delete his personality. 

Proto Man, Rock and Roll’s predecessor.

Mega Man: When he failed to get Proto back, Dr. Light went back to the drawing board and created me and my sister, naming us “Rock” and “Roll.” Geddit?

Rock and Roll, along with Dr. Light and Rush.

Lily: (Groans) Madre de Dios, tell me Dr. Light didn’t actually think he was clever with that….Wait a minute, “Rock?” I thought your name was Mega Man?

Mega Man: Someone in Capcom USA thought Rock Man was a dumb name, so he changed it for North American and European releases. My sister still calls me “Rock”, though.

Lily: Thank God for that. Like, I know you’re named after rock music, but think about how lame that sounds if you aren’t aware of that! Being named after a literal “rock?”

Emily: I think it’s a fine name, Miss Lily. Rocks can represent strength and resilience, and rock music is often exciting and energetic! Naming aside, how did Dr. Light make you and your sister different from Proto Man?

Mega Man: In his own words, he gave us cores that are stronger and more stable than Proto’s. Not only that, but he had a specific reason for making us besides just completing his experiments. He wanted us to be his assistants–me to help him around the lab, and Roll to clean and maintain the house. 

Lily: (Groans in frustration) See what I’m talking about? OF COURSE he’d make the girl the one who cooks, cleans, and carries out trash!

Emily: Is that such a bad thing? There’s nothing wrong with spending time to make sure the house is clean and in order. Otherwise it’d be a bloody mess every day.

Lily: (Sighs) Yeah, I know. I just wish it wasn’t always the women who have to do it. Maybe it’s because my stepbrothers would always dump the chores they didn’t want to do onto me. I always hated that.

Emily: (Sympathetically) Oh, is that true? I’m sorry, dear.

Mega Man: Uhh…..can you girls maybe discuss this after the episode? Back on track, Dr. Light may have made us to be his assistants, but the three of us have slowly become a real family. For the first few months, things were really peaceful.

Emily: (Smiles and folds her hands) How adorable! I’m happy you three started a cozy wee family-

Lily: Aaaaaand this is the part where everything goes to shit.

Emily: (Scolding) Miss Lily!

Lily: What? Every story has to have some kind of conflict, am I wrong?

Mega Man: (Sadly)…No, you’re not wrong. See, Dr. Light had a partner named Dr. Wily. They used to be very close friends, until Wily invented the Double Gear system. 

Mega Man: Light was against the Double Gear system because it was REALLY unstable and could badly damage a robot’s systems. Wily’s project was shut down in favor of Light’s, and he left the organization with a serious grudge. Since then, Wily’s tried to get even by kidnapping or building robots to be part of his own army. (Frustrated beyond belief) He’s done the same damn thing for eleven straight games now! And guess who’s had to stop him every time!? (Points to himself)

Emily: (In disbelief) Eleven times!? And he’s failed every single one!? 

Lily: Holy shit, seriously!? You know you’re a loser if you’ve fucked up the same evil plan eleven times in a row. 

Emily: Too right, lass. There’s stubbornness, there’s insanity, and then there’s being Dr. Wily. But we’re getting off topic–what does any of this have to do with Roll?

Mega Man: Dr. Light re-engineered us so we could be strong enough to thwart Dr. Wily whenever he was up to no good. In my case, he made me super-strong, durable, and able to copy the powers of any Robot Masters I defeat.

Mega Man: As for Roll, he put her in charge of the lab. She can convert bolts into weapons, items or upgrades and even can hack into or scavenge parts from enemy robots. She’s even installed all sorts of neat upgrades into our robo-dog, Rush, who helped me on a lot on my missions!

Lily: It’s nice that she’s a good mechanic and hacker, but what can she do outside of the lab?

Roll and Auto’s Workshop

Mega Man: (Pauses to think) Oh! Roll once rescued a dog from being run over, though she lost prize money from a Battle and Chase tournament.

Emily: (Interrupting) Uh, excuse me. I think what Miss Lily meant was, what can your sister do in terms of combat?

Mega Man: (Awkwardly) Oooh…that’s a different story. See, my sis doesn’t have as much experience as me in battle. She’s more about recon and rescue. She once teamed up with other Robot Masters to save the passengers of a grounded cruise ship, explored the Arctic circle, discovered the remains of Ra-Moon–an EMP weapon that can shut down all electronics on Earth–and even developed a cure to Roboenza–a virus that corrupts robots and makes them go berserk!

Lily: (Impatiently) ¡No tengo tiempo para esta mierda! (Plays video)

Mega Man: (Exasperated) Okay, okay! God!…Roll may do more cleanup than combat, but she’s certainly no pushover. She’s appeared in Marvel VS Capcom more than once, and in Power Battles, she can actually fight and defeat most of the Robot Masters!

Lily: Finally! NOW we’re getting somewhere! (Pause) Hang on. You said something about robots getting a virus? Do you mean like a computer virus, or one with coughing, sneezing and shit?

Mega Man: In our case, it’s kinda both. I think Capcom was really running out of ideas for stories.

Lily: They must have fortune tellers working at Capcom. They somehow predicted this damn coronavirus kicking our ass all over the world.

Mega Man: (Sympathetically) Right, the COVID-19 outbreak of the early 2020s? I have the history about it in my memory banks. But I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like going through it.

Emily: (Somberly) Aye. As someone who’s lived through so many pandemics, COVID is one that should not be taken lightly. Although, it is intriguing that a robot like yourself can also get sick. (Starts looking at Mega closely with interest)

Mega: (Sweating nervously) Uhhhh….why are you looking at me li–AHH!

(Emily starts poking and stretching Mega Man’s face) 

Emily: (Rapidly, almost unintelligible) Howdidthevirusgetinyoursystem? Whatsymptomsdoesitcause? Wasitairbornorwaterborne? *GASP!* Ormaybeitwasomeelectronicfoodonlyrobotscaneat?

Mega Man: (Muffled) Hhhhy! Wait a mnnit! Stp it!

Lily: (Pulls Emily back) Hey, hey, hey! ¡Relájate ya! What’s the matter with you?

Emily: (Blushes)……Sorry. I’m a medical witch. I’m rather fascinated with scientific things like that. And I can’t really learn how to cure people if I don’t do any research.

Lily: (Chuckles).……You’re lucky you’re so adorable, mija. Sorry about that, Mega.

Mega Man: It’s–it’s alright. So, what do we talk about next?

Lily: Now that we got all the boring backstory out of the way, let’s get to what our readers came for!

Emily: What strengths, weapons, and skills does your sister have that can help her against Team Rocket?

Mega Man: Okay! Get ready for this, girls! We got a hell of a lot to cover!

FEATS:
* One of Dr. Light’s first successful creations
* Jobs:
** Weapons artifice:
*** Builds weapons from scavenged Robot Parts
** Recon and Rescue Artist
** Intelligence Gatherer:
*** Hacker/Computer Specialist
*** Regular Dog Rescuer
*** Repair Unit
* Cured Roboenza
* Fought and defeated 8 Robot Masters
* Explored the Arctic
* Discovered the remains of Ra-Moon
* Other appearances:
** Tatsunoko VS Capcom
** Marvel VS Capcom 1-2

PHYSICALITY:

STRENGTH & DURABILITY:
* Survived attacks from…:
** Ice Man: Ice Manipulation to nigh-Absolute Zero temperatures.
** Elec Man: Electricity powerful enough to power Nuclear Power Plants.
** Fire Man: Fire that exceeds the heat of the Sun’s surface.
** Bomb Man: Bombs that can supposedly destroy any rock.
** Guts Man: Creates 5.0-scale Earthquakes and throws massive stone blocks
* Can hurt Guts Man, who’s tough enough to withstand his own earthquakes
* Endured an ambush from Quick Man, Oil Man, and Doc Robot, though not all at once.
* Survived a stray shot from Proto Man (though she was heavily wounded).
* Survived Ra-Moon’s EMP:
** This EMP completely shut down all electronics on Earth.
* Marvel vs Capcom:
** Can endure attacks from and defeat some of Marvel’s heaviest hitters.
* Tatsunoko vs Capcom:
** Powerful enough to damage Gold Lightan and PTX-40A.
** Can lift a massive metal bucket filled with water.
** Her attacks can launch a normal sized character nearly 40 feet in the air.

Mega Man: For starters, Roll scales about the same as me in terms of durability. In Mega Man: Powered Up, she survived attacks from five of Dr. Wily’s original Robot Masters! Don’t forget that I’ve beaten these guys myself in past adventures, so I know how powerful they are. 

Mega Man: For example, Ice Man can control ice and freeze matter to almost Absolute Zero temperature. Elec Man’s lighting can power a whole nuclear plant. Fire Man’s flames are literally hotter than the surface of the Sun. Bomb Man’s explosives can destroy boulders of almost any size. And Guts Man is strong enough to lift giant stone blocks and create city-wide earthquakes!

SPEED:
* Dodges Elec Man’s Thunder Beam:
** Electricity travels at 97,536 meters per second, which is Massively Hypersonic
** Can swing fast enough to catch Elec Man off-guard.
** Elec Man is implied to perceive things at the speed of light
* Mega Man: Battle and Chase:
** Quick enough to avoid fast-moving vehicles
*** These cars move at least 440 km/h (273mph) (Subsonic Levels)

Emily: That’s really impressive! Does your sister have any feats in terms of speed, though?

Mega Man: Oh, definitely! She’s quick enough to dodge Elec Man’s beams and catch him off-guard. For reference, Elec Man is implied to perceive events at light speeds. And in Battle and Race, my sis can also outmaneuver fast-moving vehicles while driving. Keep in mind that these cars drive at around 270 miles per hour (168 kph)!

Lily: Nice! Your sis sounds like she’s not someone to underestimate! I think that should be about it for Roll’s physicality. Now it’s time for us to see what your sister will bring for the battle!

PERSONALITY:
* Mainly kind-hearted and hardworking:
** Her dream is to open a hospital to make people happy and well
** Sometimes offers to clean her opponent’s clothes if dirty/damaged.
* Tends to scold misbehaving Robot Masters as if she’s their mother.
* Can be snarky/sassy at times.
* Has a crush on Mega Man? (What the fu…?):
** Becomes embarrassed when questioned about it.
** Ran away in tears when Mega lost his temper in the comics.
** Usually portrayed as Roll just looking up to her brother.

Emily: Fighting ability aside, what is your sister like? In terms of her personality, I mean? How does she normally behave?

Mega Man: Pretty good, I guess. She’s very diligent and hardworking, but also cares for the well-being of others. Every time I get damaged or infected with a virus, Roll is always first in line to heal me until I recover. She’s also happy to wash and repair my armor whenever it gets damaged, which happens more often than you think. I think she once told me that she plans to open a hospital someday so she can nurse other people back to health. 

Emily: (Smiles warmly) As a healer myself, it always makes me happy to hear of other people willing to care for the sick and injured.

Mega Man: Yeah, my sister’s got a very good heart. But she can get a bit annoying sometimes. You’d be surprised how angry she can get! Whenever she’s mad at someone, she tends to lecture and harangue them like she’s their mom! 

Emily: (That’s little surprise, considering all the times I’ve given Edward a hard time.)

Mega Man: She can also be kind of a smartass at times, which I think she got from hanging out with Proto Man too much.

Lily: (I would love to see how she acts around Lulu.)

WEAPONS/ABILITIES:

BROOMSTICK:
* Yes, it’s really her weapon of choice
* Mainly used to whack, thrust or lunge like a naginata:
** Has a charging attack where Roll sweeps the floor hard enough to cause damage
** Can be amplified after charging the broom with energy.
* Her broom can also be used to torch opponents
* Flies short distances with a jet-like thruster in the broom’s bristles.

WATER BUCKET:
* It’s just……a bucket. Of water.
* Can be used to make enemies slip or make them shockable?
* (I’m really trying here, guys)

GIANT WATER BUCKET:
* Okay, what the hell?
* Carries enough water to cause a tsunami-like wave

Lily: Broomsticks and buckets? What is this, an infomercial for Bed, Bath and Beyond? Where’s all the real weapons!?

Mega Man: I told you, Roll’s designed as a housekeeper first! It’s not like she has a lot to choose from!

Emily: Miss Lily, we’ve only started this part of the list. Let’s just be patient and see what else she has.

Lily: (Sighs) Todo bien.

Mega Man: Don’t worry–Sis does have weapons more suitable for battle. For example, she can call down health projectiles that repair her, but are harmful to anyone else. She also has Flower Bombs that act as impact grenades, an arm cannon that’s a slightly weaker version of my Mega Buster, and soccer balls that explode when kicked into an enemy.

Lily: Ha! Imagine if my friends and I played football with those back when we were kids!

Emily: I’d reckon there would be a lot of angry parents with lawsuits.

Mega Man: As far as her other weapons go, Sis can generate small tornadoes with Tornado Hold and create a protective ring of leaves with Leaf Shield. Roll doesn’t have the ability to copy enemy weapons like I do, so she has to call one of our robots, Eddie, to deliver them.

Lily: Must be really annoying to have to call someone to resupply you every few minutes.

Mega Man: Not really. Eddie delivers our stuff really fast because Dr. Light designed us so well. Anyway, her last few weapons are pretty common household tools–vacuums, blenders, circular saws, a pair of scissors, blow dryers, axes–things you’d find at a Wal-Mart or Home Depot.

Lily: Ay de mi. Out of all of them, the buzzsaw and axe are the only actual weapons!

Emily: Well, as Mr. Louis always says, “If it works, use it!” As long as Roll is creative and practical, anything she finds can be used as a weapon, right?

Lily: Yeah, I guess you have a point. Still, I think we should take out the appliances and just keep the actual weapons for Roll.

ROLL BUSTER:
* An arm cannon similar to Mega Man’s Buster
* Only fires standard shots and cannot be charged

FLOWER BOMB:
* Roll throws a bouquet that explodes upon contact.

TORNADO HOLD:
* Originally used by Tengu Man
* Allows Roll to fire a fan that generates a tornado.
* Can also be used as a jump boost to reach higher platforms

LEAF SHIELD:
* Originally used by Wood Man
* Creates a shield of razor-sharp leaves that can be thrown at the opponent.

MEGA BALL/ROCK BALL:
* Roll creates a soccer ball that can be kicked at enemies.
* Will explode on contact (Not pictured above).

HEALTH PROJECTILE:
* Roll calls down a health capsule that heals her.
* Damages anyone else besides Roll.

EDDIE THE SUPPLY ROBOT:
* Can give Roll a Rock Ball, Tornado Hold, or Leaf Shield

VIDEO SOURCE:

Lily: (Relieved, as if this is what she was waiting for) Now we’re fucking talking! Some actual decent weapons and items that Roll can use! 

Emily: (Still skeptical) They are indeed helpful, but I can’t help but feel these are still too basic. Surely a brilliant man like Dr. Light could have given you and your sister a lot more than that. Some special hidden feature you use only for emergencies?

Lily: Yeah, good point. You two were in fighting games, right? Isn’t there some super-ultra-badass special move or final form you guys used?

Mega Man: (Thinking) Well, we used it very rarely. But Roll and I do have a special Hyper Form that we used specifically for Marvel vs Capcom. To get into this mode, we call in Rush, Beat, and Eddie our side and fuse our bodies together. This is what I look like when in Hyper Mode.

Mega Man: In my Hyper Form, my Mega Buster shoots a huuuuuge laser beam, and I fire missiles from my shoulders and legs! 

Lily: (Ecstatic) Hell yeah! Now that’s what I call a special move! 

Emily: That’s quite a powerful upgrade! And what about your sister?

Mega Man: Roll’s Hyper Form’s a bit different. She activates it the same way, but she doesn’t have her Roll Buster or limb missiles. Instead, she emits streams of electricity from her head antennas and fires missiles from her…(Blushes when he realizes what he’s about to say)…breasts.

Lily: Wait, she fires missiles from where!?

Lily: (Laughing her ass off) TITTY MISSILES!!! Oh my God, she shoots TITTY MISSILES!!! ¡Mierda! That is too funny! (Continues laughing)

Mega Man: (Covers his face in embarrassment) 

Emily: (Scolding) Miss Lily!

Lily: (Still laughing, wipes a tear from her eye) What, what?

Emily: (Whispering) This is his sister we’re talking about! Please, try to be more considerate!

Lily: (Looks guilty) Hey, uhhhhhh…..does your sister have any other special forms or whatever?

Mega Man: (Uncovers his face) Well…..no, but she does have vehicles she can drive. First, there’s the Pop N’ Beat, a race car based off of Beat that was used by her when she participated in a racing competition show called ‘Battle and Chase’ I mentioned before, where she went up against dozens of other guys in a race.

Lily: Why does that look exactly like Mario Kart 64? Was there an unspoken rule back in the ‘90s that every game franchise has to have a kart racing spinoff?

Mega Man: (Rubs the back of his head sheepishly) Well, Mario Kart is a really popular game, so it makes sense that a lot of games would try to copy it. Anyways, our robot pets Rush and Beat can actually transform into vehicles, which can really come in handy for pulling off powerful attacks. Rush can turn himself into the Rush Drill, a mini-tank with a mining drill. Beat can transform into a small fighter plane called the Beat Plane.

Lily: Boy, I bet they stayed up all night coming up with those names.

Mega Man: I like to think of them as straightforward. They don’t really need to be fancy as long as you know exactly what they do.

SPECIAL FORM:

HYPER ROLL:
* Fuses with Eddie, Beat, and Rush into a powerful fembot
* Fires titty missiles, antenna lasers, and robot-shaped projectiles

VEHICLES:

POP N’ BEAT KART:
* A go-kart based on Beat’s design.
* Can jump and utilize a spin attack.
* Has a top speed of 440-488 km/h (273-303 mph) (Subsonic level)
* Follow Engine increases max speed if falling behind.
* Feather Wing improves handling.
* Non-Drift tires reduce drift ability for superior off-and-on road performance.

RUSH DRILL:
* Rush transformed as a mini-tank with a drill and jet boosters.

BEAT PLANE:
* Beat transformed as a small plane that fires energy shots and missiles

Mega Man: Sis and me both shared these special moves back when we were in Marvel vs Capcom. We used to spend hours in the Training Stage practicing them on each other.

Emily: Goodness, that sounds dangerous! 

Mega Man: Don’t worry! We’re built pretty tough. Dr. Light built our bodies with a ceramic titanium alloy that can withstand a lot of damage.

Lily: Speaking of which, that leads us perfectly to our last question. We all know by now that as strong as your sister is, she’s not exactly built to be a fighter like you are. So I imagine she’s got plenty of potential weaknesses, am I right?

Mega Man: (Sighs) Unfortunately, yes. As much as I love and respect Dr. Light, nothing he invents is ever flawless, and my sis is no exception.

WEAKNESSES:
* Limited combat experience, especially when compared to other protagonists from Mega Man.
* Can be cowardly and timid, most due to the fact that she is only a little girl mentally.
* Weapons derived from Robot Masters have finite uses.
* Hyper Roll, Rush Drill, and the Beat Plane require outside help to use.
* May act reckless if she loses her temper.
* At some point, probably Shadman
** Rule 34:
*** (SERIOUSLY, DO NOT LOOK THAT SHIT UP!)

Like you said, Roll was created as a housemaid first, meaning that she has less overall experience than me or Proto. Not to mention that some of her weapons have limited use in actual battle, which is why I’m happy you stuck to the ones that can actually do some damage.

Emily: We also have to account that although Roll is a robot, she still has the mentality of a little girl. This means she’s still prone to getting scared and running away when in danger. 

Mega Man: On the other hand, running might be the best tactical option if things get too dangerous. After all, if she panics or gets angry, she might make some really deadly mistakes.

Lily: And don’t forget the one weakness that all loli characters face…RULE 34.

Mega Man: (Confused) Rule 34? Sorry but, what exactly is that?

Lily: (Looks surprised) What? You’ve never heard of that?

Mega Man: Nope. I can’t find any definition for that in my memory banks.

Lily: (Smiles mischievously, looking at Emily) Whaddya think? Should I tell him?

Emily: (Sharply) Don’t even think about it! He may be a robot, but he’s still a child!

Lily: C’mon, he’s gonna have to learn it eventually! Here, I’ll whisper it.

(Lily gestures Mega Man to come closer. He leans in, and Lily whispers in his ear.)

Mega Man: (Shocked) WHAT THE HELL!? Are you serious!?

Lily: (Laughing) Yup! That’s what “Rule 34” means, cariño! Welcome to the Internet!

Mega Man: Now I wish you didn’t tell me! (He closes his eyes and deletes “Rule 34” from his memory.)

Emily: (Scolding) Alright, you’ve had your fun Miss Lily. If you don’t mind, we still have a show to do!

Lily: (Calms down) R–right! Ahem! Anyways, despite her shortcomings (and her designated role as a housemaid), Roll has proven that she’s still capable enough to save the day. But will it be enough to stop Team Rocket? Only time will tell.

(Mega Man receives a notification, which is heard with a small ‘beep’! He answers the call.) 

Mega Man: Hello? (The voice on the other line speaks to him urgently) Wait, now? Already? Okay! Yeah, I’ll be there as soon as I can! Bye! (Exasperated) Damn! Sorry, I gotta go. It’s pretty urgent.

Emily: Is something wrong? Does Dr. Light need your help in the lab?

Lily: Or is Dr. Wily planning another brain-dead scheme for the twelfth time in a row?

Mega Man: Actually it’s neither. I just got called for a match in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Apparently I’m fighting Samus in her full armor.

Emily: Oh, well good luck then! Fight like a champion, as Mr. Louis would say!

Lily: Thank you for being with us today!

Emily: Good luck, Mega Man! It was a fun experience hosting with you!

Mega Man: (Smiles and gives a nod) I’ll be rooting for my sister!

(Mega Man crouches down before teleporting away in a beam of blue light)

Lily: With this prelude on Mega Man’s sister done, let us move on to the next part and bring in our next guest to help give us info on the troublemaking criminal trio: Team Rocket.

(“I still have cleaning and laundry to do, so let’s make this quick!”)

BONUS VIDEO!

 

---

(Ding!)

---

(Detective Pikachu walks in through the door on two feet, holding a hot cup of coffee)

Det. Pikachu: Huh, whaddya know? I went to make a stop at the local café to get my fix and I made it just in time for my part! What are the odds of that?

Emily: (Squeals with delight) Oh, look at you! Such an adorable wee mousie! (Rubs Detective Pikachu’s face) You’re so cute, with your little Sherlock Holmes cap and magnifying glass!

Lily: (Facepalms) Ay, Dios mio. This again?

Det. Pikachu: Hey, hey! Knock it off! (Pauses for a few seconds.)

Emily: (Telepathically) (Don’t be nervous, dear. There’s nothing to worry about. Just…..relax.)

Det. Pikachu: (Blushes, he strangely starts to enjoy it.) On second thought….Keep going. (He lays on his back like a dog as Emily continues petting him.)

Lily: (Surprised) Huh? What the–

Emily: That’s it! Who’s a good boy! Who’s a good little yellow mousi–AHH!!! (She’s shocked after accidentally touching the detective’s red cheeks) Agh, I scorched my hands!

Lily: (Holds Emily in concern) Emily! Are you okay, hermana!?

Det. Pikachu: (Gasps) Oh, I’m sorry! Did I shock you? I didn’t mean to!

Emily: (Smiles, groaning) Agh…..It’s all right, lass. (She exhales, channeling her magic to her hands to heal herself. She feels better in seconds) Ahh…..Much better!

Lily: (Astonished) Woah…How’d you heal yourself so fast?

Emily: I just focused a bit of magic into my hands and it took care of the pain right away! I am a medical witch after all!

Lily: You can heal yourself and others just like that? (Smiles) You’re amazing, mija!

Det. Pikachu: Like a human Pokémon center! You should really think of working there!

Emily: (Blushes) Aww, thanks to both of you! Well now, shall we get started?

(Detective Pikachu climbs onto to his seat and sets a couple of documents onto the desk, along with placing his cup of coffee right next to them)

Emily: Before we begin, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to participate with us, detective. I’m sure you must have a very busy schedule.

Det. Pikachu: It’s no problem, girls! (Takes a sip out of his coffee) So, what were we about to do here?

Lily: Before we do anything, there’s one thing I wanna ask: How the FUCK can you talk!? And why do you sound like Ryan Reynolds!?

Det. Pikachu: (Sheepishly) Uh…..Are you sure you wanna know? The reason might come off as a bit….weird to you.

Emily: Oh, trust me dear. Compared to all the other people I’ve met since I was hired, you’re far from the weirdest thing either of us have met. And I’m rather curious myself, so no need to feel embarrassed.

Det. Pikachu: (Sighs, relieved) Alright, if you say so. I was actually a Pikachu belonging to Harry Goodman, a detective working in Ryme City. One day, Harry and I got involved in a car accident while working on a case. Harry went missing, and I lost most of my memories, while somehow gaining the ability to speak and act like a human.

Emily: (Shocked) Oh, you poor thing! Thank God you weren’t killed in that accident!

Lily: (So, car crash equals human language and behavior skills. Gotcha.) So, how did you survive if your owner went missing? Did someone else take care of you?

Det. Pikachu: I was pretty much on my own for about two months since the accident. Eventually I would meet Tim Goodman, Detective Harry’s son who just got admitted into Ryme City University. The two of us started working cases together, both to maintain order in Ryme City, and to find my old partner Harry. As for the Ryan Reynolds voice, well…

What’s even crazier…..this movie actually didn’t suck!

Det. Pikachu: 2019 was a really, really weird year.

Lily: (Pauses, eyes wide) What insane genius made this, and where can I watch it?

Emily: That would be Warner Bros, before they had that asinine idea to merge with Discovery. And if you want to watch it, I actually have it on Amazon Prime!

Lily: (Smiles) We’re having a movie night after this.

Emily: Sounds good to me! Oh, we were just about to start covering Jessie, James, and Meowth of the Team Rocket trio.

Det. Pikachu: Alright, then – Let’s do this!

Det. Pikachu: The wild, wonderful world of Pokémon! Filled with all sorts of colorful powerful creatures, it’s one of those worlds where you can catch several kinds of them and use them to battle others! Lasting over twenty-four years and hundreds of games, TV shows, movies, mangas, and a whole playing card brand, it remains one of Nintendo’s longest-running and successful franchises!

Lily: And one of their most ripped-off. Every game company has jumped on the bandwagon ever since Pokémon hit the scene! (Counting them off on her fingers) I mean, you got Digimon, Monster Rancher, Yo-kai Watch,–and those are just the ones I know about!

Det. Pikachu: Ah, but none of them have an adorable and clever talking monster like me, do they?

Emily: Um…since Miss Lily brought up Yo-kai Watch…

Det. Pikachu: What the–who the heck are these posers?

Emily: Nate Adams and Jibanyan from Yo-Kai Watch. 

Lily: Now what did I tell ya? And when did their game come out?

Emily: The first one came out in 2013, if I’m not mistaken. Ironically, Nintendo themselves published it three years before the Detective Pikachu game!

Lily: Sorry, cariño. Looks like they beat you to it!

Det. Pikachu: (Miffed) Just ‘cuz they did it first don’t mean they did it best! Anyways, given the endless variety of colorful Pokémon out there, you’d think that surely such a world will be free of trouble and crime?

Lily: HA! As an ex-burglar and gang member, I can safely tell you that there’s no such thing as a crime-free place.

Det. Pikachu: (Gesturing to his hat) And as a detective, I can say you’re absolutely right! Because Pokémon are such a valuable commodity, many criminal organizations have risen with the intent of capturing and exploiting them. Sometimes for their power. Other times for the profit they can bring in. But the oldest and most notorious of these villainous teams is none other than Team Rocket!

Det. Pikachu: The Team Rocket organization was founded by a criminal boss named Giovanni. He built the company from the ground up, amassing a vast private army of thieves and mercenaries. Giovanni and his lieutenants formed Team Rocket with only one goal: to kidnap, train, and sell rare Pokémon to become the most powerful crime gang in the world!

Emily: (Disgusted) How despicable! Poaching animals and abusing them for profit!? Damn those lowlife thieves! (Blushes) Uh–no offense, Miss Lily!

Lily: (Chuckles) It’s all good, mija. (Pokemon thieves, huh? Sounds pretty badass. I wonder if they’re hiring?) Are there any criminal gangs besides Team Rocket?

Det. Pikachu: (Groans) Agh, where do I even start!? (Counts on what few fingers he has) You have Team Magma, Team Aqua, Galactic, Plasma, Flare, Skull, Yell–some others probably I don’t even know about yet! Heck, there’s even a Team Rainbow Rocket that’s literally all the aforementioned teams combined!

You pretty much get the idea.

Lily: These are the Pokémon criminal gangs? What the hell is this, a convention? They look like they should be signing autographs, not committing crimes!

Emily: Questionable fashion sense aside, I reckon that each of these Teams are more dangerous than they appear.

Det. Pikachu: Well, all except for Team Skull. Those amateurs are so lame that they weren’t even allowed into Team Rainbow Rocket. And that’s not even mentioning Team Yell.

Lily: Damn. That’s pretty harsh. Anyways, let’s get back on track. We’ve talked about Team Rocket as they’re portrayed in the games, but what about the anime?

Det. Pikachu: As far as the anime goes, they’re largely the same. They’re still run by Giovanni and have the same goals and modus operandi. However! Since the anime is a serialized kid’s show, there needs to be a recurring villain for the heroes to confront and defeat every episode. And to fill that role, we have the infamous trio of wannabe Pokémon poachers: Jessie, James, and Meowth!

TEAM ROCKET TRIO:
* Names (Left to right): James, Meowth, Jessie
* First Appearance: Pokémon EP002 “Pokémon Emergency!” (1997-1998)
* Ages: 25 (Jessie), 25 (James), 3 (Meowth, human years)
* Occupation: Pokémon Thieves, Burglars, Wannabe Terrorists
* Affiliation: Team Rocket Company
* Theme Song:

Det. Pikachu: The Trio are the main villains (and sometimes allies) of Ash Ketchum and his friends. Their motivation is the same as any Team Rocket member: to steal rare and powerful Pokémon and deliver them to their boss. However, they’re mainly after one Pokémon in particular–a fellow Pikachu like me. The one belonging to Ash himself.

Lily: Must be one hell of a Pikachu for the three of them to spend every episode trying to steal it. 

Emily: Must be rather confusing for them to have the same group name as their organization.

Det. Pikachu: Surprisingly enough, it isn’t. Given that the trio show up far more often than the organization in the show. Anyways, each of the three have their own reasons to join Team Rocket, mainly seeing it as a way to escape from their problems.

Lily: (Understanding) Well, I of all people can definitely relate to that. So, what’s their story? Are they trying to get out of debt or escape a really toxic family?

Det. Pikachu: Not too far off the mark, actually! (Takes out several documents and sets them on the desk)

Lily: ¡Me chingados! You got the whole freaking rap sheet for all of them!?

Emily: Goodness! You’ve definitely put a lot of work into this!

Det. Pikachu: (Smirks proudly) They don’t call me “detective” for nothing! Better hang onto your glasses, ladies. Because we’ll spend a while here talking about each of their backstories. I’ll start off with the fiery redhead of the trio: Jessie!

Det. Pikachu: (Clears throat) Jessie had a very rough childhood, which I think you’ll find to be a running theme with this gang. She’s the daughter of Miyamoto, a high-ranking member of Team Rocket. During an expedition to an ancient rainforest, Miyamoto was the first ever person to have gotten evidence of Mew’s existence in the form of a video recording. After showing this evidence to Madame Boss, Miyamoto was sent out again to find Mew with the goal of capturing it. Being torn on having to leave her own daughter behind, Miyamoto put Jessie into an orphanage before setting off on the mission, and she never came back.

Lily: (Sighs deeply) So Jessie was an orphan, too. Just like me.

Emily: (Sympathetic) Oh, Miss Lily….I’m so sorry.

Det. Pikachu: If it helps, it’s implied that Miyamoto is still alive somewhere. At some point, Jessie was adopted by a foster family, but that didn’t improve her life much. The family was very poor, to the point that they often had to eat snow during the winter. 

Lily: (Looks depressed, as if she has similar childhood memories)

Det. Pikachu: (Concerned) Hey, if this is bringing up bad memories, we can–

Lily: (Firmly) No. It–it’s fine. What else happened in Jessie’s childhood?

Det. Pikachu: As a kid, Jessie had two best friends who she shared a dream of becoming a pop idol with. But those dreams ended when both her friends passed away. As a teenager, Jessie went and tried to become a Pokémon nurse, only to get rejected, forcing her to enroll into a nursing school that’s intended for Chansey. Although she actually turned out to be a decent nurse, she ultimately failed on account of not being able to use “Sing” to put patients to sleep.

Jessie as a student in Chansey nurse school.

Lily: (Angered) Now, that’s some bullshit! Obviously she’s not a Chansey, so there’s no way she’d be able to pass! That’s like sending a blind kid to an art school! 

Emily: (Touches Lily’s shoulder) I agree with you, but please try to stay calm, Miss Lily. Did Jessie have any luck anywhere else?

Det. Pikachu: Well, certainly not in the romance department. Jessie had a number of boyfriends, all of whom either ditched her or treated her poorly.  However, she did manage to take on a lot of jobs in the past, which include from being a model to a style consultant. Heck, she was even a flippin’ ninja at one point!

Lily: She was a goddamn ninja!? Damn, our chica’s doing pretty good for herself. Makes me wonder why the hell she didn’t join the military with a resume like that. Anyways, how did she end up joining Team Rocket, and why?

Det. Pikachu: Surprisingly, there’s not much I can say about that. I guess maybe she just wants to follow in her mother’s footsteps. Or perhaps even find out if her mom is still alive or not.

Lily: Well, at least the girl still has her dreams.

Emily: Aye. I pray for her sake that she does find her mum someday. (Looks down slightly, thinking of her dead mother) 

Emily: Shall we move onto her partner James, then?

Det. Pikachu: Sure thing!

Det. Pikachu: James’ life was the exact opposite of Jessie’s. He grew up the only child of two ridiculously wealthy parents. But James wasn’t exactly cut out for upper-class life. His super-strict parents forced him to endure every single lesson on being “proper,” but he just never caught on.

Emily: I know all too well the pressures of living in a wealthy home. You get all the pleasures of the world, but your whole life is governed by strict rules dictated by stubborn old men. But how does a man who came from a rich family end up with a criminal gang?

Det. Pikachu: I’ll answer that with one word: Jessebelle.

Lily: (Raises an eyebrow) What the hell is a “Jessie-bell?” What, is that his long-lost cousin or something?

Emily: Are you sure you don’t mean, “Jezebel?”

Det. Pikachu: (Cringes) No, I really mean “Jessebelle”. (Pauses) She is…James’ fiancee.

Lily and Emily: ARE YOU SERIOUS!? JAMES HAS A FIANCEE!?

Det. Pikachu: Well, more accurately, she’s the daughter of another rich family who had their parents arrange a marriage between her and James. Jessebelle was more than happy to go along with it, but James……wasn’t. And not for a bad reason, either. Jessebelle’s the definition of a crazy, domineering spouse, which caused James to run away just to get away from her!

Emily: Deary me, she looks almost exactly like Jessie! Come to think of it, it must be awkward working alongside a woman who bears such an uncanny resemblance to your crazy ex-fiancee.

Det. Pikachu: Oh, trust me, they didn’t ignore that either! And to be fair – it’s implied that James DID actually love Jessebelle at one point in his childhood, even writing a love letter to her…That is, before he changed his mind after he saw how obsessive she really is, and buried that letter inside a box forever.

Lily: I don’t really blame him for wanting to get away from that crazy bitch. And his parents just went along with it?

Det. Pikachu: Pretty much. They don’t just want James to marry her, they actually need him to. As the only child, they need him to inherit the family fortune, or else everything they own gets sent to charity. They went so far as to fake their own deaths just to trick James into marrying Jessebelle.

Emily: (Grimaces a bit) Dear God, not even my own dad and brother are this overly strict! I may not approve of James joining a criminal gang to escape his problems, but I can definitely understand it. Well, that’s two members down, and one to go. Shall we go over Meowth, please?

Det. Pikachu: I’m glad we brought up bad relationships, because that perfectly brings us to Meowth. 

Lily: (Flippantly) What, did Meowth also learn how to speak English after getting hit by a car?

Det. Pikachu: Nope, he was just an ordinary stray Pokemon trying his hardest to live. As a kitten, he once got in trouble over tipping over a basket full of baseballs, which he mistook as riceballs in a state of hunger-induced delusion.

Emily: (Horrified) Oh! That poor wee kitten!

Lily: Over a basket full of baseballs? Jesus, that guy should be arrested for animal abuse.

Det. Pikachu: After escaping his overly harsh punishment, Meowth managed to catch a showing of a Hollywood movie. Inspired by the movie, Meowth hitchhiked his way to Hollywood and lived with a gang of stray Meowth. He shortly met and fell in love with a female named Meowzie.

Emily: (Blushes) How sweet! Did they end up together?

Det. Pikachu: Unfortunately, Meowzie shot him down, saying that a human was able to provide whatever she wanted. Also, she happened to be in love with a Persian who was the leader of the gang of alley Meowth. A classic love triangle.

Lily: (Disgusted) What a stuck-up bitch!

Emily: (Infuriated) Absolutely! I hope Meowth didn’t take that lying down!

Det. Pikachu: Wanting to win Meowzie’s affection, Meowth taught himself to walk and talk like a human, and actually succeeded! He would later fight the boss Persian in a one-on-one duel and actually won! But all that turned out to be for nothing when the Meowzie chose the defeated Persian over Meowth, deeming him to be nothing more than a freak.

Lily: (Outraged) Are you fucking serious!? ¡Joder a esa pequeña felina superficial!

Emily: (Seething) Coming from someone who loves cats and owns one….I hope Meowzie and her boyfriend both get hit by a truck.

Det. Pikachu: (Slowly nodding along with Emily) Just goes to show that some people are just not worth the hassle. Anyways, the three later would eventually meet for the first time at Team Rocket Academy, where the organization was training new recruits. While they were initially somewhat cold to each other, they’ve learned to understand and trust each other, ultimately becoming the inseparable trio they are today!

Lily: Unfortunately for these three, being inseparable is not the same as being invincible.

Det. Pikachu: Believe it or not, they actually started out as being notorious criminals who were legitimate threats. But that changed upon eventually coming across a certain trainer from Pallet Town during one of their heists. Their first defeat at Ash’s hands completely wrecked whatever credibility the trio had before. Somehow, they came to the conclusion that his Pikachu was more powerful than the other members of its species, and have sought to capture him for their boss ever since.

(Apologies for getting the abridged version. This was the only one I could find with any footage.)

Det. Pikachu: By the way, this was the first of many, many times they got blasted off!

Lily: HOLY SHIT! No wonder they think that Pikachu is so powerful! The damn thing just nuked an entire Pokémon Center!

Emily: Can….You do anything like that, Detective?

Det. Pikachu: (Rubs the back of his head) Hehehehe….No, nothing that big, unfortunately. I don’t have the power of anime with me, so I’m just a regular ol’ Pikachu stats wise. Ash’s Pikachu on the other hand has often squared off and even beaten Legendary Pokémon! Even after twenty-odd years, 24 seasons, and literally thousands of episodes, the Trio are still trying to steal the famous Pikachu!

Lily: (Stunned) Hold on, they’ve been doing this twenty fucking years? This anime started in 1997, right? If that’s the case, shouldn’t Ash be well into his 40’s by now?

Emily: (Touches chin curiously) Come to think of it, how would Ash look as an adult?

(Adult Ash Ketchum artwork, by Emdyofficial.)

Emily: (Blushes, feeling warm under her cloak) (Bloody hell, he’s gorgeous!)

Lily: Oh, my God! How did he grow up to be so goddamn hot!? Why can’t we have that in the anime?

Det. Pikachu: Most likely it’s because Nintendo still wants to market the franchise to a younger audience, so they keep Ash at ten years old. It’s like how Charlie Brown or Bart Simpson never age even when their shows do. Anyways, now it’s time to move onto the part you two have probably been waiting for: The stuff they can do in battle!

Lily: ¡Bien! Now that we’re past the backstories, can you tell us what these three are capable of, physicality-wise?

Det. Pikachu: Sure! There have been cases of humans back in my world actually being a whole lot tougher than the ones in the real world. But Jessie and James here in particular take the cake! Jessie in particular once managed to stop a flying Dragonite with nothing more than just a simple frying pan. James himself is physically no pushover either, as he can bust holes through stone walls with an improvised hammer. It can even be said that they’re both stronger than Ash, given that James easily restrained him and knocked him away with a flick to the head during the one time he tried to attack Team Rocket himself. 

Emily: Well, at least that explains why Ash hardly tries that method when it comes to dealing with Team Rocket. But then again, this is the same boy who tried to punch out Mewtwo.

Lily: Yeah, and look how that ended for him..

Lily: (Facepalms) What the hell did you expect to happen, cabrón!?

Det. Pikachu: I never said Ash was known for his brains. But regardless, Ash is at least strong enough to pick up Cosmoem, who–according to the Pokédex–weighs a whoppin’ 2,204 pounds! And given Cosmoem’s status and position as the Protostar Pokémon, it’s possible that it could actually be even heavier than that.

Lily: Damn! Two thousand pounds!? What is this kid’s workout routine!? If he’s that strong, why has he never thought to straight-up punch out Team Rocket himself?

Det. Pikachu: (Sighs) Because that didn’t exactly work out, either.

Lily: (Embarassed) Ay de mi.

Emily: Perhaps Ash is better off just letting his Pokémon do the fighting for him. But we’re not here to talk about him–what are Team Rocket capable of in terms of strength?

Det. Pikachu: Meowth himself is no slouch in strength, either. His claws can easily slash through metal, and he has shown himself to be able to keep up with Pokémon who are a lot more used to battling than he is. Heck, he’s even capable of generating a tornado just by slashing furiously at the air! Either way, you’re probably in for pain when this cat scratches your face.

Emily: (Chuckles) That’s nothing. You should’ve seen what happened to my brother Edward when he tried to give our cat Duchess a bath. Are there any physical feats the trio have accomplished together?

Det. Pikachu: Hmm… I’d say that their arguably greatest strength feat is the fact that they’re able to consistently hurt or beat each other up, which in itself is actually pretty amazing considering what they constantly survive on a frequent basis. Which includes but is not limited to: attacks from random Pokémon, getting caught in giant explosions, getting sent miles high into the sky, falling into deep ravines, getting sucked into tornadoes–and that’s just the “normal” stuff! In one episode, they’ve been blown so high that they’ve literally performed re-entry from Space!

Emily: (Astonished) From bloody Space!? How on Earth did they come back down without freezing, burning up, or asphyxiating!? And that’s not even accounting for the impact of the fall!

Lily: What the fuck even sent them that high up in the first place?

Det. Pikachu: (Shrugs) Whaddya think? Another failed attempt to kidnap Pikachu.

Lily: And all of this is normal for them!? These guys would give Wile E. Coyote a run for his money for the amount of bullshit they survive! 

Det. Pikachu: You wanna know just how much they’ve survived from Pikachu? Remember when I said that the Pikachu they keep trying to steal could keep up with Legendary Pokémon? Ash’s Pikachu once managed to destroy Mirage Mewtwo, who’s arguably superior to the original! 

Emily: (Sniffles, tears up) (That poor, poor Mew. Why did it have to die?)

Lily: Wow…You really weren’t kidding about Ash’s Pikachu being stronger than the average one.

Emily: Now that we’re nearing the end of the physical stats section, are there any speed feats the three have shown?

Det. Pikachu: Well, it is consistently shown that Ash’s Pikachu can react to natural lightning in time to cancel it out. And this is not just a reaction feat either, it shows that his Thunderbolt is on par with actual lightning speed-wise. The reason I’m saying all this is because they’ve proved themselves to be rather quick enough to get out of the attack’s way on several occasions. In addition, they were able to dodge Bulbasaur’s Solar Beam, which is literally a ray of concentrated sunlight.

Lily: Though for some reason, they rarely ever make the effort to dodge an attack. I mean, if you see an attack coming, why not just dodge it instead?

Det. Pikachu: Maybe they know when they’re beat…? (Gives a shrug)

Lily: Like Dr. Wily knew when he was beat? That is to say, never?

Det. Pikachu: Okay, maybe they’re just stupid.

Lily: Yeah, seems more like it.

Emily: Well, whatever the case, I daresay that we’ve covered their physicality. Let’s put what we haven’t covered on the list and move on to the next part!

FEATS:

TOGETHER:
* Survived over 700 blast-offs in the anime (as of this writing).
* Escaped an island with giant animatronic Pokémon.
* Helped their Arbok and Weezing escape from a Pokémon Poacher’s Tyranitar:
** Also saved the captured Ekans and Koffing in the process.
* Became somewhat competent after being promoted
* Unintentionally saved Unova–and the world–by breaking a possessed Giovanni from the Reflection Mirror.
* Made an edited video to take credit for the fall of Team Flare.

JESSIE:
* Caught Seviper by angrily beating the crap out of it after it bit off part of her hair.
* Qualified to the Top Four of the Grand Sinnoh Festival and the Kalos Master Class.
* Actually tends to place high in Pokémon contests fairly and without cheating.

JAMES:
* Dodged several attempts at being married to Jessibelle.
* Won a Pokémon Contest in Lilypad Town as “Jessilina” (with very large fake boobs)
* Got to the top five of the Alola Pokémon League.

MEOWTH:
* One of the few Pokémon that are naturally capable of speaking the human language. (Legendaries and other Pokémon who can speak use telepathic means.)
* Defeated a Persian that was the leader of a pack of other Meowth in a duel.
* Defeated Brock’s Onix. (Albeit by weakening it with a bucket of water)
* Was worshiped as a god by an island tribe.
* Took down Ash’s Infernape and Staraptor, Jessie’s Seviper and Yanmega, and Dawn’s Togekiss by using “Fury Swipes of Love” when he was in love with a Glameow.
* Tricked Ash and his team into thinking he was on their side THREE TIMES.

PHYSICALITY:

STRENGTH:
TOGETHER:
* Managed to pull down a boulder much larger than themselves.
* Consistently beat each other up.
* Can actually jump pretty high.
* Constantly dig deep pitfalls into the ground:
** Once dug a pitfall so deep that it crashed Cassidy’s helicopter.
** Can dig a tunnel through the underground with shovels rather quickly.
* Were able to run through a wall with enough force to burst through it without slowing down.
* Can send others flying a short distance with a kick.
* Leaped out of a deep pothole filled with cement, despite being frozen in it themselves:
** Managed to break out of the hardened cement on their own.
*Are able to break out of being encased in ice if they’re frozen solid.
* Likely stronger than Ash, who can casually lift Cosmoem (see above).
*  Were able to halt a Dragonite in mid-flight.
** An average Dragonite weighs appx 463.0 lbs and flies up to 1,556 mph (2,505 km/h).
* Helped Ash and Goh fish out a giant Magikarp
* Able to resist getting pulled into the spirit world even with their life force draining.

JESSIE:
* Can deliver a Fury Swipes of her own to her opponent (scratching them in the face hard enough to leave deep, painful scratch marks.)
* Can loudly shout with enough force to push someone slightly away as if it were wind.
* Effortlessly hoisted James by his leg and swung him around.
* Shattered a Pokéball by stomping on it.
* Casually chucked a Snubbull many feet across the forest.
* Hammered Meowth into a rock wall hard enough to leave a sizable crater.
* Lifted a giant Articuno statue while being suspended by a rope.
* Along with James, delivered an uppercut to Meowth so hard that he was sent airborne until 7:37 in the show’s runtime.

JAMES:
* Busted a hole through a cave wall using a makeshift rock-hammer.
* Casually restrained an enraged Ash by holding his hand out to his forehead.
* Was able to sever a rope tied around himself and his team and then bust the door down with a shoulder tackle.
* Intercepted a Tentacruel by its tentacles before flinging it away.
** Said tentacles are actually poisonous
* See Jessie’s last Feat.

MEOWTH:
* Tore out of ropes restraining him.
* His scratches are generally painful enough to make the victim cry out in pain and cover their faces.
* Can effortlessly slice through metal with his claws.
* Freed a frozen Meowth by shattering the ice with a kick.
* Weakened Brock’s Onix with a water bucket and defeated it with a Scratch attack.
* Defeated a Persian (who was the leader of a pack of wild Meowth) in a duel.
* Took down Barry’s Empoleon (A steel-type Pokèmon, who is normally resistant to normal-type attacks) with a single Scratch attack.
* Damaged a Tyranitar (An armored Pokémon who is much larger and weighs 445.3 lbs.) with Fury Swipes.
* Can swipe both of his claws with enough intensity to leave them smoking like discharged guns.
* Can scratch a sheet of glass with enough force to make multiple visible soundwaves.
* Able to latch onto and climb most surfaces by digging his claws through them.
* Easily pulls and drag around both Jessie and James at the same time by rope.
* Struggled evenly with Ash’s Pikachu over who would break the other’s fall:
** Meowth ended up cushioning Pikachu’s fall
* Claws can easily carve large blocks of ice into sculptures.
* Overwhelmed Ash’s Bulbasaur using Scratch attacks during a Grass battle tournament.
* Tanked a Hidden Attack from Serena’s Fennekin and tore it to shreds with Fury Swipes.
* Briefly supported James by using his tail to hang on to a ledge.
* Surprisingly excellent baseball pitcher
* Strong enough to be capable of creating tornadoes just by rapidly swiping at the air.

DURABILITY:
TOGETHER:
* Insane durability thanks to Toon Force
* Comparable to most of the Pokemon cast, who’ve survived similar things.
* Regularly survives powerful point-blank explosions and attacks.
* Survived getting blasted off literally miles away
* Tanks getting zapped by Pikachu’s Thunderbolt:
** Thunderbolt is powerful enough to tear up earth, clash against Tapu Koko’s electricity, and vaporize large objects.
** Killed the supposedly superior Mirage version of Mewtwo
** Meowth survived Thunder, and upgraded version of Thunderbolt
* Survived literal re-entry into Earth and shrugged it off. (Shown above gif)
* Can even survive being blasted off far throughout outer space.
* Cutting attacks can’t lethally slice/pierce through their skin.
* Gained decent resistance/immunity against electricity.
* Sometimes they have shown to be outright unaffected by fire attacks.
* Tanked being hit with Draco Meteor, which is a literal shower of multiple meteors.
* Endured getting brutally beaten by a Pokémon Poacher’s Tyranitar.
* Survived being hit by a mass Pikachu Thunderbolt attack that blew up an entire Pokémon Center
* Survived beatings from creatures bigger and stronger than themselves Fell from a skyscraper platform with enough force to smash through the concrete sidewalk.
* Survived getting stung repeatedly by a group of poisonous Beedrill
* Tanked by being hit by Pikachu’s Z-Move, ‘10,000,000 Volt Thunderbolt’:
** Said move is capable of finishing off Tapu Koko and one-shotting Fused Lusamine.
* Survived other Z-Moves such as Continental Crush and Inferno Overdrive.
* Endured having much of their life force energy drained by several Litwick.
* Implied to have survived being attacked by Sharpedo. (Just one Sharpedo is said to be enough to tear apart a supertanker)
* Survived being attacked underwater by a pair of angry Gyarados with their Hyper Beams:
** Hyper Beam is powerful enough to incinerate anything it hits.
* Tanked getting blasted by dual Hyper Beams from both Registeel and Regice.
* Tanked a direct Hyper Beam from Regigigas, who is Multi-Continental in power.
* Endured being squeezed by Bewear, which had enough strength to make Wobbuffet’s soul ooze out of his mouth.
* Survived getting hit by a Blastoise’s Hydro Pump, which can punch holes through thick steel.
* Survived a Gyarados’s Dragon Rage.
* Survived nearly drowning in a deep ocean.
* Should be comparable to Cassidy and Bob, who tanked getting blasted out through their metal underwater base by Lugia.

JESSIE:
* Survived a diet of eating snow that lasted throughout her childhood.
* Tends to order own Pokémon to use attacks on her simply for performances during contests and showcases.
* Ate one of Misty’s Purple Surprise snacks without becoming sick:
** All of Ash, Brock, and May’s Pokémon were knocked out just by eating a single Pokéblock of May’s Purple Surprise.
** Similarly can stomach Misty’s Mystery Stew
* Getting licked by her Lickitung only pisses her off
** Lickitung’s Lick paralyzes victims
* Along with James, got up with no injury after a point-blank shot from a tank.

JAMES:
*Drank enough soda to float an aircraft carrier (just to collect the bottlecaps)
* Survived being crushed by a giant boulder and falling down a ravine with it.
* Constantly survives being poisoned by his own Marearnie:
** Implied that Marearnie actually holds back her full venom.
* See Jessie’s last Durability entry.

MEOWTH:
* Survived being inflamed and crushed by Ash’s Charizard.
* Can pop his face back to shape after being caved in.
* Thrown by a giant Tentacruel across a city and into a damaged ferris wheel:
** The impact caused the ferris wheel to fall.
* Shrugged off getting kicked away by Pheromosa, an Ultra Beast.
* Was blasted by Squirtle’s Water Gun with enough force to be sent flying into a faraway island:
** This all happened within fourteen seconds (in the show’s time)
* Implied to have endured starvation for a long period of time before joining Team Rocket
* Was still able to function normally as a head after having the rest of his body turned to stone by Hunter J.
* Avoided death several times after accidentally seeing Mimikyu without its disguise.

SPEED:
TOGETHER:
* Constantly zip around at blurrish speeds.
* Are able to outrun Ash, his friends, and their Pokémon.
* Outran an Effect Spore gas outbreak, which saturated all of Fula City.
* Kept up with a speeding motorboat on foot.
* Were able to dodge the transporting Pokéballs in Cyberspace, which seemed to be moving at the same speed as Internet data.
* Outran a giant rolling boulder through a hall.
* Outran an entire swarm of Scyther, which are generally said to be very swift and ninja-like.
* Dodged an incoming Solar Beam from Ash’s Bulbasaur. (See above gif)
* Reacted to a combined attack of Pikachu’s Electro Ball and several of Roggenrola’s Flash Cannon in time to escape the explosion via jetpack.
* Has dodged gunfire from the Warden of the Safari Zone.
* Once actually dodged several of Pikachu’s Thunderbolts consecutively.

JESSIE:
* Dodged a Sonic Boom attack, which is exactly what the name says it is.
* Leaped onboard a speeding motorboat without any issue.
* Outran a treadmill while competing against Cassidy.

JAMES:
* Dodged several bullwhip strikes from Jessiebelle, which are around the speed of sound.
* Both he and Meowth ran to ground floor of a skyscraper to catch a falling Jessie.
** (They failed to catch her, however)

MEOWTH:
* Dodged a series of Razor Leaves from Ash’s Bulbasaur.
* While in mid-air, sliced up dozens of Touga Berries with his claws into an intricate three-heart sculpture.
* Once casually shut the door on Pikachu’s Thunderbolt at point-blank range before it could reach him.
* Can swipe at the air fast enough to actually create a tornado.
* Can quickly carve and shape large blocks of ice into ice sculptures within seconds.
8 Has dodged lasers before.

Emily: So, do the members of Team Rocket themselves have special abilities aside from their physical traits?

Det. Pikachu: Actually, they do! Being classic comedic relief villains, they notably have the inexplicable ability to use what some call, ‘Toon Force’, which allows them to survive almost everything and pull off various wacky cartoon stunts such as defying physics and pulling stuff out of nowhere. For example, Miss Lily, remember when you brought up Wile E. Coyote a few minutes ago?

Lily: Si. What’s he got to do with this?

Det. Pikachu: Remember those scenes where the coyote runs off a cliff, stands in midair for a few seconds and then falls down?

Emily: (Laughing adorably like a little girl)

Det. Pikachu: TA-DAAAAA!!! And that’s just a taste of what Toon Force can do! And thanks to that ability, they can also heal from most injuries in a short amount of time, to the point that they can regenerate from being literally crushed into dust! 

Lily: Are these guys even human at this point?

Emily: I hate to interrupt, but I just remembered something. Unless I’m mistaken, I think Team Rocket managed to get a Z-Ring in the Sun and Moon season, aye?

Det. Pikachu: That’s correct, Miss Emily!

Lily: That thing looks like something he got from the toy section at Target. What, does it glow and make loud noises when you push the top? 

Det. Pikachu: Don’t underestimate that thing! That Z-Ring is not something to be messed with! It allows the user’s Pokémon to summon a black hole out of nowhere before literally hurling it at their opponent! Or at least the ones who know at least one dark-type move, anyways.

Lily: Wait, wait–hold on! That thing allows Pokémon to use black holes as a weapon!?

Det. Pikachu: You got it! Not bad for a kid’s toy, ain’t it? Speaking of Pokémon moves – Meowth also has two exclusive abilities of his own. The first one is”Gigantamaxing”, which allows him to grow to the size of a skyscraper! Or heck, maybe even bigger given that unusually-long torso of his. This also gives him access to the exclusive “G-Max Gold Rush” move, which makes giant gold coins burst out from the ground like a water geyser!

Lily: (Contemplating, as if she’s planning to steal some) Giant gold coins, you say? Can these be collected after the battle?

Det. Pikachu: Actually, yes they can!

Lily: (Note to self: Capture a Meowth as soon as possible.)

Det. Pikachu: However, the trio currently don’t have a Dynamax Band on hand, so this is pretty much irrelevant.

Lily: (Damn!) 

Emily: That’s disappointing. In that case, does Meowth have any other special powers? 

Det. Pikachu: Well, there’s one more, but I’m not really sure how it’s even effective. Apparently, Meowth has access to the “Power of Love.” 

Lily: (Rolls eyes) Ugh. This cliché? Don’t tell me he kills people by kissing them or something.

Emily: (Literal hearts in her eyes) (Oh, that sounds so adorable!)

Det. Pikachu: No, nothing like that. Basically, whenever Meowth is deeply attracted to someone, he becomes so stupidly powerful that he can pretty much destroy any opponent, no matter how strong! This might even be what helped Meowth defeat Persian in their duel over Meowzie.

Lily: Well, I can respect that at least. Although that bitch Meowzie definitely wasn’t worth the effort.

Emily: (Disappointed sigh) Couldn’t agree more. What about Jessie and James? What special abilities do they have?

Det. Pikachu: Uhh…(flips through his notes quickly)…not much to say, honestly. (Finds a page with useful info) Aha! According to this page, they can (Looks baffled as he reads more on this ability) “Slip through tight restraints by exhaling so much oxygen that they deflate themselves like balloons?” 

Lily: (Astonished) Huh? Okay, what the fuck!? How do you exhale so much that you can just get super-thin like that? Are all their bones and organs made of rubber or something?

Emily: (Looks excited) This is fascinating! How does that even work? Only one way to find out! (Begins to exhale out all her air)

Lily: Emi! No, wait–

(As she exhales, Emily’s body begins to actually shrivel up, until she becomes as thin as a lamppost.)

Emily: (Barely able to breathe) AGH! I–I think I might’ve overdone it a wee bit. (Smiles weakly) Can somebody help me out?

Lily: (Gives a little sigh) Ay, Dios mio. Okay, lie down on your back. I know how to give CPR.

Emily: (Blushes nervously) (Wait! You’re gonna do what!? Our lips our going to–)

(Lily lies the flattened Emily down and exhales into her mouth. Pikachu looks on, confused but somewhat aroused at the sight of two girls kissing.)

Det. Pikachu: (Slowly turning to the screen) Oh! Uhh–I guess that wraps up their special abilities! We’ll get back to you once Emily’s all better! (Chuckles nervously)

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

TOON FORCE:
TOGETHER:
* Constantly break the laws of physics with some light reality warping.
* Any injuries suffered to their bodies (MOSTLY) heal quickly off-screen
* Gives them enhanced physical attributes/abilities.
* Can be crushed, flattened, and/or stretched and still reform shortly afterward with little to no injury.
* Can reform from completely dissolving into dust/powder and then being scattered away by the air.
* Can stay suspended in the air for a moment before falling. (Like Wile E. Coyote!)
* Morph their entire bodies (save for their heads) into a giant ball and roll around like a speeding tire.
* Can pull off the Scooby Doo-esque gag of entering into one place, only to reappear from a different place.
* Can pull off a Batman. (Immediately disappearing the moment someone turns around.)
* Hide behind flat surfaces. (Such as hiding behind fake wallpaper against a wall.)
 * Somehow make a vehicle dance just by celebrating inside it.
* Their Pokémon can fight Ghost-types, as long as the attacks aren’t Normal-type or Fighting-type.
* Can somehow talk/breathe in space.
* Once appeared in a different dimension called the Mirror World.
* Also managed to escape the Mirror World despite it being almost sunset:
** A person who doesn’t escape the Mirror World by sunset is trapped forever
*** BFR Immunity?

JESSIE:
* When angered, can actually breathe fire.
* Teleported with Jessie and Meowth onto the Meowth Balloon via magic trick.
* Somehow successfully commanded a Charizard to use “Dig” (A move that the species can’t learn without being taught prior to evolution.)
* Can reform from shattering to pieces.

JAMES:
* Once actually turned Super Saiyan.
* Can reform from shattering to pieces.

MEOWTH:
* Can reform from being inflated/deflated like a balloon.
* Can get hit so hard that his facial features fly off of his face, only for them to immediately re-attach.
* If he falls, can scuttle back up a wall and grab the nearest ledge.
* Also floats in the air and moves around while scuttling his legs.
* Seems to be able to teleport somehow?
* Can walk up walls and on top of ceilings like Spider-Man:
** Even while playing a guitar!
* Can squeeze his body out of any restraints he happens to be tied to.
* Hides behind objects that are too thin to properly hide him. (Such as thin trees)
* Knows a magic trick to make objects or people disappear by throwing a sheet over them and then removing it.
* Can fly around like a rocket after eating something spicy, even into Space.
* When happy, can literally blast off on his own into the universe and come back on-screen in seconds
* Has a somewhat stretchy rubber body
* Can slightly alter his own body to imitate the appearance of someone else.
* Immune to noxious gasses due to not having a nose:
** He’s still capable of smelling, strangely.

FOURTH-WALL BREAKING:
* Sometimes make references to franchises outside of the Pokémon series.
* Often acknowledge real-world things such as the writers, cartoonists, seasons, scripts, the audience, time slots, commercials, etc.
* Somehow know when a flashback or a commercial break is about to occur.
* Aware of any background music playing during a scene.
* Like the audience, they are aware that neither they nor Ash have ever aged.
* Sometimes take over as the narrator depending on the story.
* Can interact with the camera.
* Can pop up on-screen inside of a speech bubble, even when they are off-screen.
* Also interact with split screens, like pushing it onto someone on the other side to shove them away.
* Have actually reached out to the real world and hijacked The Official Pokémon Youtube Channel in order to try to recruit people into joining Team Rocket.
* Has also hosted Team Rocket’s Secret Empire, a real-life radio show exclusive to Japan.

MEOWTH:
* Can actually cross over and interact with the real world:
** May be able to bring Jessie and James along with him.
* Has a 4th-Wall-manipulating remote control

BLACK HOLE ECLIPSE (POKÉMON ONLY):
* Requires a Z-Ring and Darkinium Z in order to perform this attack.
* Also requires the user to have at least one Dark-Type attack for this move.
* Any of the Pokèmon are capable of performing this move, as long as they know a move that is Dark-Type.

THE POWER OF LOVE (MEOWTH ONLY):
* When infatuated, Meowth will gain an ENORMOUS boost in power.
* Easily curbstomped any Pokémon that were sent to attack him.
* Possibly what helped him defeat Persian in their duel.
* Claims that he can defeat both Palkia and Dialga at the same time:
** (Likely a huge exaggeration)
* Highly circumstantial. Requires Meowth to fall in love with feel that the relationship between them is being threatened.

GIGANTAMAX FORM (MEOWTH ONLY):
* So far, only accessible by Meowth:
** However, he can only do so in certain cases:
*** Near a Power Spot
*** Struck by Eternasus’ Dynamax Cannon
* That makes this form also very cirmumstantial
* Allows Meowth to perform the “G-Max Gold Rush”, which summons giant gold kobans from the ground that smash the opponent

HYPNOSIS RESISTANCE:
* Resistant to hypnosis to an extent due to special concentration training.
* Was not brainwashed by Colress’ machine until Colress increased the machine’s power level:
** Said machine was designed to brainwash Kyrorem, a Legendary Pokémon.
* Even when hypnotized, can break out of it by scratching himself:
** Can do the same to Jessie and James.
* Jessie and James have also shown some immunity to hypnotism

AIR TECHNIQUE:
* Can push out enough air from their bodies to slip through ropes.

PERSONALITIES:
SHARED:
* Despite their criminal background, they’re more like mischievous troublemakers than hardcore villains.
* Constantly makes puns, jokes, and wisecracks.
* Stubborn to the point of insanity:
** Always pursue Ash and Pikachu despite failing literally thousands of times.
* Steal wild Pokémon or those belonging to other Trainers when possible.
* Willing to work with Ash and his friends if there’s a much greater threat afoot:
** Once sacrificed themselves to help Lugia and Ash get back faster to Shamatoui. (They survived, of course.)

JESSIE:
* Most villainous member of the trio.
* Sometimes acts as team leader, along with Meowth
* For example, if Meowth and James outright reconsider stealing something, Jessie will still insist on going through with it.
* Was known to abandon her teammates to save her own skin:
** Lost twelve partners because of her selfishness.
** Became much more loyal after meeting James and Meowth.
* The only member of the team with a criminal background (Her mother was a Team Rocket operative).
* Often shown to really care for her teammates and her Pokémon.
* Once returned a Pokemon Center’s entire rations to save the job of her childhood friend Blissey.

JAMES:
* Rather child-like and lighthearted.
* Tends to be the friendliest member of the team when not on missions.
* Actually has a rather strong moral conscience:
** (Has no problem stealing unless it’s from somebody close to him.)
* Has a short temper, though not so much as Jessie.
* Despises upper-class society for its overly strict rules, especially with Jessiebelle’s constant criticism.
* Rather submissive; Tends to comply with Jessie and Meowth’s schemes, even if they involve something from him. (Such as his bottle cap collection or a Pokèmon of his)

MEOWTH:
* De facto team leader, though sometimes Jessie takes charge
* Cunning and ambitious.
* Often presents himself as the more sensible one of the trio. (In actuality, he’s just as goofy and silly as they are.)
* Can be rather greedy at times. (Though not so much as Jessie)
* Kind of a smartass, sometimes making sarcastic remarks and jabs aimed at both his teammates and enemies.
* Generally leaves the battling to Jessie and James’ Pokémon:
** Will step in himself depending on the situation.
* Gets along surprisingly well with Pikachu and the other Pokémon (usually for the sake of mutual survival).
* Has a rare sense of honor for a thief:
** Outright refuses to attack or steal from someone who either has shown kindness to him or he has taken a liking to.
* Deeply philosophical:
** Refused to attack his clone Meowth and realized they had more in common than they thought.

GENERAL INTELLIGENCE:
* Skilled mechanics and inventors:
** Able to build large machines and weapons despite having a poor budget.
* Skilled Pokémon trainers despite their incompetence as thieves:
** Implied that even Meowth is capable of commanding other Pokémon the same way human trainers do.
* Constantly make modifications to the Meowth Balloon:
** (See “Meowth Balloon Attachments” in the weapons bio)
* Skilled laying out many kinds of traps and pitfalls.
* Constantly able to fool everyone with their disguises. (Even when it’s painfully obvious to the audience.)
* Once fooled Ash and his friends despite Jessie and James literally wearing their Team Rocket logo on their disguises.
* Can potentially frame someone by disguising themselves and committing crimes in the victim’s name.
* Actually have managed to pull off successful heists before:
** Reputation probably ruined thanks to Ash and co.
* Skilled in other occupations besides being Pokémon thieves.
* Capable of predicting EXACTLY what’s going to happen next.
* Once made a Mount Rushmore-esque display of themselves and Giovanni on a mountain.
* Performed an off-screen escape trick that fooled even the writers themselves:
** (Fucking……..HOW!?)
* Once hijacked the Sunyshore Tower and converted it into a rocket.
* Sometimes they intentionally get themselves blasted off to make a quick getaway.

JESSIE:
* Willing to use her looks and sex appeal to seduce others into helping her. (As much sex appeal as a kid’s show can allow.)
* Has medical knowledge due to her education at a Chancey school.
* Consistently ranked high on the Team Rocket recruit exams, only being held back because of her poor teamwork skills.
* Arguably the most experienced due to being in Team Rocket longer than James or Meowth.

JAMES:
* Momentarily tricked everyone with a made-up tragic backstory that ended with him dying as a child in-story.
* Rigged a treasure chest containing James’ love letter to Jessiebelle with a war mech:
** More impressive considering that he likely did this as a young child.
* Sometimes makes observations and deductions that impress even Meowth.

MEOWTH:
* Supposedly the brains of the team. (Though that’s not saying much)
** Generally has the most common sense. (Again, very debatable.)
** Tends to brag about his intelligence and even calls himself a genius.
* Taught himself how to speak human language.
* Very tricky and manipulative.
* Considered highly intelligent by Pokémon standards
* Knows how to use man-made objects.
* Smart enough to drive vehicles and pilot mechs.
* Was the only one out of Team Rocket (with Ash and Pikachu) that can be hypnotized by a group of Beheeyem:
** The Beheeyem’s hypnosis doesn’t work on dumb people.
* Talented magician.
* Has decent negotiation skills.
* Can trick even those who are distrustful and wary of him.
* Once came up with the plan to trap a large group of Pokémon by throwing a huge party:
** Ended up having too much fun in the party and forgot about the plan.
* Good at picking locks, even with just his paws
* Very skilled mech pilot.
* Capable of giving decently trained Pokémon a hard time.
* Capable of manually hacking into security systems with ease.
* Is also capable of rigging other machinery as well.
* Talented musician: Knows how to play and operate numerous musical instruments.
* VERY skilled performer for Pokémon contests and showcases.
* Has tricked Ash and his friends into thinking he was on their side before betraying them on three separate occasions.
* Knows how to manipulate Pokémon into assisting Team Rocket and attacking Ash and his team instead.
* Knows how to program machines and other technology.
* Can also program machines to be able to react microseconds before the opponent.
* Skilled at cooking, although he’s not quite as good as Brock.
* Knows how to please others by putting their preferred favorite flavors into the dish.

STEALTH:
* Noticeably skilled at hiding and sneaking.
* Constantly follow Ash and his friends unnoticed.
* Good at performing infiltration and escape.
* Know how to disable or bypass security systems.

FIGHTING SKILL:
* Occasionally seen fighting without their Pokémon.
* Can constantly hold their own against each other whenever they get into one of their little scraps.
* Extremely pragmatic. WILL exploit any enemy’s weaknesses
* Will not hesitate to use an enemy’s weapon against them

JESSIE:
* Arguably the most skilled in combat out of the trio (and perhaps the main human cast).
* Is actually a trained ninja.
* Seems to know some combat techniques; such as Triangle Chokes, Elbow Drops, Roundhouse Kicks, etc.
* Beat the shit out of Seviper after it had bitten off a chunk of her hair.

MEOWTH:
* Capable of holding his own in a fight against more trained and experienced Pokémon.
* Willing to use dirty tactics when necessary.
* While in a Sunflora disguise, overwhelmed Ash’s Bulbasaur for most of the match
* Will use the environment around him to his advantage.
* Knows how to provoke enemies into recklessly charging at him.
* Can trick opponents into attacking each other.

RELATIONSHIP:
* No doubt about it, they are VERY loyal to each other.
* Even when they are elsewhere better off, will go back to Team Rocket for the sake of being with each other.
* Will often make personal sacrifices if it means helping the other out of a jam.

(Emily is back to normal now, thanks to Lily’s “CPR.”)

Lily: There we go! You feel better now, Emita?

Emily: (Smiles nervously and blushes)…….Y-Yeah. I’m back to normal now. Thanks.

Lily: De nada! (Teasingly) So, what’s you think of my “CPR” technique?

Emily: (Giggles slightly) It wasn’t bad. But you could use a wee bit of practice.

Lily: (Coyly) Oh? Well maybe you can give me some pointers after this. (Boops Emily’s nose)

Det. Pikachu: Uh, excuse me, girls? Much as I love your conversation, can we get back on track, please?

Emily: (Face red with embarrassment) Oh! R-right! (Sits back in her chair) Now, what haven’t we discussed about Team Rocket yet?

Det. Pikachu: Next topic is something I’m more specialized in: intelligence! This is a bit tricky because it’s not really a matter of which member is smartest, and more of which area of intelligence they’re strongest at. For example Jessie is not exactly what you would call ‘book smart’, mainly because she was raised without a proper education. To her credit, though: She does seem to be the most combat-skilled out of the trio, which kinda goes in hand with her temper. Also, she generally seems to be the most pragmatic of the team, willing to take risks that James or Meowth won’t.

Lily: (Sometimes you gotta leave it to the girl to take charge.) And speaking of James and Meowth, how smart are they?

Det. Pikachu: James isn’t exactly stupid, but he’s often pretty naive and childlike. This makes him very submissive and easy to drag into whatever scheme his teammates come up with. However, he’s shown to be surprisingly smart when it counts, which even impresses Jessie and Meowth. James actually has a pretty strong moral compass for a criminal. He would often refuse to attack or steal from someone who’s close to him.

Emily: Nice to see a criminal with some amount of humanity. So, am I right to assume that Meowth is the smart one of the team?

Det. Pikachu: In some ways, yes. Meowth is usually considered the “brains” of the team. He comes up with the majority of their evil plans and tactics. He’s also an incredibly skilled inventor, building most of the weapons and gadgets they use on missions. In battle, Meowth usually lets other Pokémon fight before him, although he’s totally capable of fighting for himself if he needs to. Like James, Meowth can also be pretty moral and even philosophical at times. During the battle at Mewtwo’s stadium, Meowth was the only Pokémon besides Pikachu to refuse to fight his clone, and even made peace with him!

Det. Pikachu: Despite what I just said about Meowth, that’s not to say that Jessie and James aren’t smart: All three of them have shown the capability of building gigantic machinery on a daily basis. Not to mention that they’re constantly able to make a fool out of the Pokémon cast with their costumes and their schemes.

Lily: Then again, I’m pretty sure Ash isn’t really known for being smart, so make of that as you will.

Det. Pikachu: And on top of that, much like a certain mercenary who’s played by a very handsome actor, they can also break the fourth wall, meaning that they’re able to-

Emily: Wait a minute, did you just say “break the fourth wall?”

Det. Pikachu: (Halts in confusion) Y-yeah? Is that a problem?

(Emily draws her short sword and shield, looking around as if expecting someone to suddenly appear. Nothing happens, and she sits back down relieved.)

Lily: (Confused, slightly concerned)…You okay? What was that all about?

Emily: Sorry, dear. Just being cautious. Mr. Louis told me that sometimes in shows like these, characters with fourth-wall awareness will just barge in unannounced.

Lily: (Amused) Pfft! Really!? No te preocupes, mija. What are the odds of that happening?-

(To everyone’s shock, Deadpool suddenly crashes through the window into the studio.)

“HEY-HEY-HEY-HEY-HEY!!!”

Lily: (Shocked) ¡Santa María! Who the fuck is this!?

Emily: (Equally shocked) See!? That’s exactly what I was talking about!

Det. Pikachu: Deadpool!? What the heck are you doing here!?

Deadpool: Oh, I was in the neighborhood and just happened to hear about a Pikachu detective with the same VA as me! Just wanted to say I’m a HUGE fan!

Det. Pikachu: W-well, I’m flattered, but can we do this later? We’re kinda running a show he–

(Deadpool notices the two Arkham hosts beside him. Starting with Emily.)

Deadpool: Well look at you, little lady! That cosplay of yours is just to die for! Are you dressed up for a Harry Potter convention or something? I think I’m a Hufflepuff man myself, but you–you would definitely be Slytherin!

Emily: (Nearly throws up) Slytherin!? God, no! Anything but that! I hate bloody snakes!

Deadpool: Aww, don’t be like that! Snakes need love too! I met this adorable boa constrictor in Brazil one time, and it was so sweet it gave me a biiiiiig hug around my neck! And then I passed out, but so what?

Emily: (Raises eyebrow) I’m quite sure that snake wasn’t just “hugging” you, dear.

Lily: (Steps in) And don’t you somewhere else to be? We’re trying to work here!

Deadpool: (Pauses, starts checking out Lily’s body in a perverted way) Woah, mama! Take a look at you, señorita!

Lily: (Sharply) Stop eye-fuckin’ me, perv!

Deadpool: (Delighted) Ah, she’s feisty! (Notices her whip) And she whips people! I love that in a woman! How much do you charge? Four hundred? Five hundred? Name your price and I’ll happily be your whipping boy!

Lily: (Enraged at Deadpool’s perverted offer) You wanna get whipped!? This one’s on the house! 

(Lily grabs her whip and lashes at Deadpool while Emily runs in to calm her down.)

Emily: (Frantically) Miss Lily! For God’s sake, control yourself!

Det. Pikachu: Agh….great. I guess while they try to get this under control, I’ll go over the powers of Team Rocket’s battle Pokemon. There’s a lot to go over in this section, but I’ll try to make these as brief as possible.

JESSIE’S POKÉMON:

Det. Pikachu: I’ll start by listing out Jessie’s team of Pokémon, which consists of Wobbuffet, Seviper, Yanmega, Gourgeist, and Mimikyu. 

WOBBUFFET:
The Patient Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon EP146 “Tricks of the Trade” (2000-2001)
Type: Psychic
Height: 4’03”
Weight: 62.8 lbs.

WOBBUFFET’S MOVES:

Counter:
* Type: Fighting
* Power: (Depends on the power of the attack dealt on Wobbuffet.)
* Accuracy: 100%
* Only works if Wobbuffet is physically attacked.

Bide:
* Type: Normal
* Power: (Depends on the power of the two attacks Wobbuffet takes)
* Accuracy: 100%
* Wobbuffet endures the damage of two attacks before retaliating with double power.
* Strangely, Wobbuffet cannot actually learn this move in the games.

Mirror Coat:
* Type: Psychic
* Power: (Depends on the power of the attack dealt on Wobbuffet.)
* Accuracy: 100%
* Only works if Wobbuffet is attacked by a projectile attack.

Det. Pikachu: Wobuffet’s signature ability is “Shadow Tag“, which allows him to step on his opponent’s shadow to prevent them from retreating. Wobuffet can also use “Counter” and “Mirror Coat”, which respectively redirect physical damage and non-physical projectiles right back at the attacker. And finally, there’s “Bide“, where he stands around and takes damage from his opponent for some time before striking back with double the power of the attacks received.

SEVIPER:
The Fang Snake Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon AG008 “A Tail with a Twist” (2003)
Type: Poison
Height: 8’04”
Weight: 115.7 lbs.

SEVIPER’S MOVES:

Haze:
* Type: Ice (How the hell is this an Ice move?)
* Power: —
* Accuracy: —
* Opens its mouth to release thick, black smoke.
* Eliminates the stat changes of all enemies engaged.

Poison Tail:
* Type: Poison
* Power: 50%
* Accuracy: 100%
* Seviper’s tail glows purple before lashing at the target.
* Has a high critical hit ratio.
* Has a 10% chance of leaving the target poisoned.

Wrap:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 15
* Accuracy: 90%
* Seviper wraps its body around the target and violently squeezes it.
* This attack lasts for multiple turns.
* Target can still attack while being bound.

Bite:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Seviper chomps down on the target with its fangs.
* Has a 30% chance of causing the target to flinch.

Det. Pikachu: Jessie’s second Pokemon is Seviper, the poison snake Pokémon! His first attack, Haze, allows him to release a cloud of smoke from his mouth, removing all nerfs or buffs of all parties in the battle. It can also act as a smoke bomb for quick escapes. Poison Tail has Seviper strike his target with his glowing purple tail, which has a chance of poisoning his opponent. And there’s “Wrap” and “Bite”, which are pretty much what any snake Pokemon can do. Oh, and here’s some advice: Don’t let Seviper be near any Zangoose. Why’s that?

Det. Pikachu: That’s why. Seviper and Zangoose are natural enemies and will attack purely out of instinct. Both animals will take literally any chance to beat the crap out of each other, even in the middle of battle! Not even being recalled into his Pokéball will stop him, since he’ll just burst right out again.

YANMEGA:
The Ogre Darner Pokémon
First Appearance:
Type: Bug/Flying
Height: 6’03”
Weight: 113.5 lbs.

YANMEGA’S MOVES:

Sonic Boom:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 20
* Accuracy: 90%
* Yanmega flaps its wings rapidly, firing multiple shockwaves as projectiles

Wing Attack:
* Type: Flying
* Power: 60
* Accuracy: 100%
* Yanmega’s wings glow white before using them to smack down the target.

Quick Attack:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Basic close-range attack
* Always strikes first before the target.
* Never misses

Ancient Power:
* Type: Rock
* Power: 60
* Accuracy: 100%
* Charges and fires a ball of silver energy at the target.
* 10% chance of raising all of Yanmega’s stats

Steel Wing:
* Type: Steel
* Power: 70
* Accuracy: 90%
* Yanmega hardens its wings to raise defense (10% chance of effectiveness)

Silver Wind:
* Type: Bug
* Power: 60
* Accuracy: 100%
* Has a 10% chance of raising Yanmega’s Attack, Defense, Special Attack, Special Defense, AND Speed stats.

Det. Pikachu: Third on the list is Yanmega, who’s perhaps Jessie’s strongest Pokemon. Her main ability is “Speed Boost”, which gradually increases her movement speed, allowing her to land attacks faster. As for her attacks, “Sonic Boom”lets her fire sonic projectiles by flapping her wings. Yanmega can also use her huge wings to give a good ol’ bitch slap with “Wing Attack”. “Quick Attack” has her rapidly attack the opponent at blinding speeds, and “Ancient Power”, allows Yanmega to fire a ball of pure energy like in Street Fighter. “Steel Wing”, raises Yanmega’s defense by hardening her wings with a metal-like sheet. And finally, “Silver Wind” releases her powdery dust-like scales at her opponent, which not only do damage, but can even raise all of her own stats!

GOURGEIST:
The Pumpkin Pokémon
First Appearance: A Festival Trade! A Festival Farewell?
Type: Ghost/Grass
Height: 5’07”
Weight: 86.0 lbs.

GOURGEIST’S MOVES:

Leech Seed:
* Type: Grass
* Power: —
* Accuracy: 90%
* Plants a seed on target, which will then slowly drain their health for Gourgeist to have instead.

Shadow Ball:
* Type: Ghost
* Power: 80
* Accuracy: 100%
* Charges and fires multiple spheres of dark energy
* Has a 20% chance of lowering the target’s special defense. 

Frustration:
* Type: Normal
* Power: (Depends on how much Gourgeist dislikes its trainer)
* Accuracy: 100%

Dark Pulse:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 80
* Accuracy: 100%
* Emits a stream of spinning dark waves from its upper mouth
* Has a 20% chance of making the target flinch. 

Seed Bomb:
* Type: Grass
* Power: 80
* Accuracy: 100%
* Fires a barrage of hard seeds that explode on contact.

Det. Pikachu: Fourth on the list is Gourgeist, the spooky living Jack-O-Lantern! This possessed Halloween prop has four attacks. The first is “Leech Seed”, where it shoots out several seeds, which leech onto the opponent and slowly drains out its life. Next is “Shadow Ball”, where Gourgeist shoots multiple dark shadowy balls of energy at the opponent. “Frustration” is a very strange attack. It basically draws power from Gourgeist’s negative feelings towards its trainer. So the more Gourgeist hates you, the stronger the attack. Maybe it’s better that Jessie doesn’t use that one. Finally, “Dark Pulse”, releases a terrifying dark wave that does considerable damage, and can make the opponent flinch. 

MIMIKYU:
The Disguise Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon SM003 “Loading the Dex!” (2016-2017)
Type: Ghost/Fairy
Height: 0’08”
Weight: 1.5 lbs.

MIMIKYU’S MOVES:

Play Rough:
* Type: Fairy
* Power: 90
* Accuracy: 90%
* Charges towards the opponent to deliver a smackdown using its tail.
* Has a 10% chance of lowering the target’s attack.

Shadow Claw:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 70
* Accuracy: 100%
* Unleashes a shadowy claw from beneath its disguise before slashing the target.
* Has an increased critical hit ratio.

Wood Hammer:
* Type: Grass
* Power: 120
* Accuracy: 100%
* Telepathically creates a giant wooden hammer and swings it down on the target.

Shadow Ball:
* Type: Ghost
* Power: 80
* Accuracy: 100%
* Creates and fires a ball of black and purple energy.
* Has a 20% chance of lowering the target’s special defense.

Let’s Snuggle Forever!:
* Requires a Z-Ring and a Mimikium Z in order to use this move.
* Mimikyu traps the target beneath its disguise, where they get pummeled senseless.
* The victim may be forced to see Mimikyu’s true form, which would kill them instantly.

Det. Pikachu: Now if you thought Gourgeist was a creepy little bugger, wait ‘till you see Mimikyu! Mimikyu are very bizarre, even for Ghost-types. They’re usually seen wearing a cloak with a poorly-drawn Pikachu face, in an attempt to copy off their popularity. But this particular one has an intense hatred against Pikachu for some reason. In fact, even seeing one will cause him to act ferociously! And even at first glance, the thing is just creepy as all hell!

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(Det. Pikachu leaps back in shock and hides under his chair.)

Det. Pikachu: (Visibly shaking in fright) L–let’s just go over his moves before I get a heart attack. Mimikyu’s first attack, “Rough Play”, has him smack the opponent multiple times using his tail, which also has a chance of lowering their Attack. “Shadow Claw” and “Wood Hammer” enable him to deliver a nasty swipe with a shadowy arm or a giant wooden mallet. And being a Ghost-type like Gourgeist, it also can perform “Shadow Ball”. A-anyways, Mimikyu has a unique ability in that any heavy damage will be directed at its disguise instead of his body. But that’s something you reeeeeeally don’t wanna do! In fact, I’ll just warn you right now: NEVER–EVER–REMOVE MIMIKYU’S CLOAK FROM HIS BODY!!!

Det. Pikachu: And why’s that? I’m just gonna be straight–YOU WILL DIE!!! I’m not kidding, people! I’ve studied many cases of people “suddenly vanishing” because they got curious and tried to look under a Mimikyu’s cloak. And it gets worse when you’re the target of its Z-Move: “Let’s Snuggle Forever!”. This is where Mimikyu traps you underneath its cloak before beating you to death from inside. That alone is horrifying, but it’s even worse when you imagine that the last thing you ever see is Mimikyu’s true form.

Det. Pikachu: Anyway, I’m done talking about this little freakshow! Let’s get to James’ Pokémon, already!

JAMES’ POKEMON:

CARNIVINE:
The Bug Catcher Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon DP002 “Two Degrees of Separation!” (2006-2007)
Type: Grass
Height: 4’07”
Weight: 59.5 lbs.

CARNIVINE’S MOVES:

Bite:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Carnivine chomps down on the target with its massive jaw.
* Has a 30% chance of causing the target to flinch.

Bullet Seed:
* Type: Grass
* Power: 25 per strike
* Accuracy: 100%
* Forcefully shoots out multiple seeds at high velocity.
* Can hit the target up to 2-5 times.

Bind:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 15
* Accuracy: 85%
* Carnivine wraps its vines around the target before squeezing them painfully. 

Vine Whip:
* Type: Grass
* Power: 45
* Accuracy: 100%
* Carnivine strikes the victim multiple times using its vines.

Det. Pikachu: For James’ team, we’re going to start off with his Grass-type: Carnivine. His primary attack is “Bite,” which is pretty self-explanatory. Its huge jaw and sharp teeth can cause some nasty damage to its victim, and even has a 30% chance of causing it to flinc. Its second move, “Bullet Seed”, shoots a barrage of seeds out of its forearm like a machine gun. And like Seviper, Carnivine can perform Bind to wrap its flexible body around its opponent. And finally, “Vine Whip” allows Carnivine to literally lash its tentacles at the opponent multiple times. (I bet that Mexican dame Lily would love this.)

MIME JR.:
The Mime Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon AG147 “Sweet Baby James” (2005-2006)
Type: Psychic/Fairy
Height: 2’00” Weight: 28.7 lbs.
Often mímics whatever James is doing at the moment.

MIME JR’S MOVES:

Mimic:
* Type: Fighting
* Power: — (Depends on the power of the attack copied.)
* Accuracy: — (Always hits)
* Allows Mime Jr. to copy and use any attack previously used by the opponent.

Tickle:
* Type: Normal
* Power: Unknown
* Accuracy: 100%
* Tickles the target into uncontrolled laughter
* Lowers the target’s Attack and Defense.

Teeter Dance:
* Type: Normal
* Power: Unknown
* Accuracy: 100%
* Performs a wobbly dance that confuses the target.
* Can make surrounding people and Pokémon dance

Det. Pikachu: Don’t let this cute little guy fool you. Mime Jr can be pretty damn scary when he wants to be! This Psychic clown can copy any opponent’s previous move using “Mimic”. “Tickle” might sound ridiculous for an attack, but it’s actually really useful for lowering an enemy’s Defense, making it more susceptible to damage. Its weirdest move has to be “Teeter Dance”, which hypnotizes everyone in the surrounding area to break out dancing! And finally, Mime Jr has an inherent status effect that causes any Pokémon fighting it to become confused. Meaning that Pokémon could end up hitting itself instead of the opponent! Mime Jr might look cute and cuddly, but it’s one kid clown you don’t want to take lightly.

INKAY:
The Revolving Pokémon
First Appearance: XY003 ” A Battle of Aerial Mobility!” (2013-2014)
Type: Dark/Psychic
Height: 1’04”
Weight: 7.7 lbs.

INKAY’S MOVES:

Tackle:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Inkay charges the target with a full-body tackle.

Psybeam:
* Type: Psychic
* Power: 65
* Accuracy: 100%
* Inkay fires a blue beam with pink circles at the target.
* Has a 10% chance of causing Confusion

Foul Play:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 95
* Accuracy: 100%
* Inkay counters an enemy’s attack by grabbing them and throwing them to the ground
* The stronger the target is, the higher the damage dealt.
* Only works if Inkay is physically attacked. (Does not counter energy-based attacks)

Det. Pikachu: James’ other Psychic-type, Inkay, is a squid that he caught from the Kalos. Although, it’s a bit weird that it’s not a Water-type, being a squid and all. Even so, this little guy can spit a thick ink from its mouth, which is useful for blinding the opponent. In addition, Inkay can also slam its body into an opponent using “Tackle”, and fire waves of damaging pink circles using “Psybeam.” But I think Inkay’s most interesting move is “Foul Play”, which is sorta like the Pokémon version of a Judo flip. With this move, Inkay can counter an enemy’s attack and throw them back to the ground! Even cooler, the damage this move does is proportional to the opponent’s Attack power. It’s like using your enemy’s weight against him!

MAREANIE:
The Brutal Star Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon SM012
Type: Poison/Water
Height: 1’04”
Weight: 17.6 lbs.

MAREANIE’S MOVES:

Spike Cannon:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 20
* Accuracy: 100%
* Fires multiple darts that hit the target in succession.

Sludge Bomb:
* Type: Poison
* Power: 90
* Accuracy: 100%
* Releases multiple globs of filthy, poisonous sludge.

Knock Off:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 65
* Accuracy: 100%
* Marearnie’s tentacles glow white before striking the target with them.
* Also knocks away whatever item an opponent is holding

Det. Pikachu: And finishing off James’ team is his Poison/Water-type, Marearnie. Team Rocket found this strange little anemone when James got infected by its poison. The venom turned James’ face purple like a Marearnie…causing the Pokémon to uh…(Sheepishly) fall in love with him.

Det. Pikachu: (Stretches mouth lower) Yeeeeeeeeah…..that’s all I’m gonna say about that. Anyway! Mareanie can use “Spike Cannon” to shoot multiple sharp spikes at the target, and “Sludge Bomb” to hurl multiple globs of poisonous sludge. And finally, Mareanie has a move similar to Vine Whip called “Knock Off”, which not only causes damage, but can make an opponent drop whatever item it’s carrying. And with that, we’ve covered all the Pokémon in both Jesse and James’ teams! But we’re not finished just yet!

MEOWTH:
The Scratch Cat Pokémon
First Appearance: Pokémon EP002 “Pokémon Emergency!” (1997-1998)
Type: Normal
Height: 1′ 04″
Weight: 9.3 lbs.

MEOWTH’S MOVES:

Scratch:
* Type: Normal
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Similar to Fury Swipes, except it’s only one powerful scratch.
* Draws deep scars on the victim’s face and leaves them crying in pain.

Bite:
* Type: Dark
* Meowth bites the target.
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Meowth bites into the target with his mouth
* Has a 30% chance of causing the target to flinch.

Fury Swipes:
* Type: Normal
* Meowth’s most commonly used move.
* Power: 18% per swipe.
* Accuracy: 80%
* A series of quick and weak scratches that go up to 5 times.

Night Slash:
* Type: Dark
* Power: 70
* Accuracy: 100%
* Has an increased critical hit ratio.
* Learning the move, but hasn’t quite mastered it:
** Considers it too scary to use.

Fury Tornado:
* Meowth creates a tornado by swiping at the air rapidly.
* Although Meowth has done this while he was under mind control, it’s possible he can still perform this.

Det. Pikachu: You didn’t think I was gonna skip over Meowth, did you? He’s still a Pokémon, after all. Like any good cat, his go-to attacks are “Scratch” and “Bite”, which I’m sure don’t need any explanation. “Fury Swipes” is similar to Scratch, but can hit the enemy up to five times per turn. “Night Slash” is a special Dark attack with incredibly high Power and Critical Ratio. Unfortunately, Meowth was able to get it quite right, and he considers it “too scary” to use, anyway. Not nearly as scary as his fourth and strongest move “Fury Tornado!” With this attack, Meowth unleashes so many ferocious swipes that he creates a literal tornado! Imagine him doing this at a furniture store–they’d go out of business in a heartbeat! Meowth has only done this once under a mind-controlled rage. But there’s no reason he can’t do it again by himself.

Growl (Game-Exclusive):
A Normal-Type move.
Power: Unknown
Accuracy: 100%
Meowth growls softly, lowering the victim’s Attack

Screech (Game-Exclusive):
* A Normal-Type move.
* Power: Unknown
* Accuracy: 85%
* Reduces the target’s defense (In other words, durability) sharply.

Pay Day (Game-Exclusive):
* A Normal-Type move.
* Power: 40
* Accuracy: 100%
* Numerous coins are hurled as projectiles
* Said coins can be picked up later for future use

Sing (Game-Exclusive):
* A Normal-Type move.
* Power: Unknown
* Accuracy: 85%
* Meowth sings out a brief soothing lullaby that puts the target to sleep.
* Allows Meowth to get in free hits while the opponent is sleeping.
* Target will actually ignore the pain they suffer while asleep.

Nasty Plot (Game-Exclusive):
* A Dark-Type Move.
* Power: —
* Accuracy: –
* Wobbuffet is pictured, but Meowth can perform it too.
* The Pokemon thinks mischievous thoughts, raising his Sp. Attack.

Snatch (Game-Exclusive):
* A Dark-Type move.
* Power: —
* Accuracy: —
* If the opponent is healing or powering itself, Meowth can steal the effects of the move for himself.

Det. Pikachu: As a bonus, let’s quickly go over Meowth’s moveset based on the versions from the games–mainly Pokémon Yellow and the limited-time distributions. His most common moves are the four Normal-types: “Growl,” “Screech,” “Pay Day,” and “Sing.” The first two releases a harsh noise that reduces an opponent’s Attack or Defense. The third one throws coins from Meowth’s head as projectiles. The last one plays a lullaby that lulls the enemy into a sleep so deep, that it actually ignores any damage it suffers! Still, not as humiliating as Jigglypuff drawing on your face with a marker after one of her songs.

Det. Pikachu: Anyway, Meowth’s last two attacks are “Nasty Plot,” with which Meowth empowers its Sp. Attack by thinking mischievous thoughts–and “Snatch,” which allows him to steal the effects of another Pokémon’s healing or empowering move! Meowth has a whopping eleven moves in total, which is the most of any of Team Rocket’s Pokémon! It’ll be interesting to see how the brains of Team Rocket will do in this fight! (Sighs in relief) Well, that about wraps up this section! Let’s see if the girls have got our Deadpool situation under control.

(The Detective rotates the camera back at the studio. Deadpool is crouching behind the door, while Lily is standing at the other side with her whip. Their fighting left the whole interview room in shambles.)

Deadpool: (Sticks his head out the door. His mask has multiple scratches and his face is covered in lash wounds.) WOO!!! Holy moley, you’re one hell of a woman! We really oughta do this again sometime!

Lily: PISS OFF, ALREADY!!! (She whips at the door, but Deadpool closes it just before it hits him. Lily sighs and looks at the room behind her.) Uhh, sorry…..Did I overdo it?

Emily: (Crawls out of the desk and stands.) And then some! Good grief, Miss Lily! Did you have to destroy damn near everything!?

Det. Pikachu: Seriously! I appreciate you getting Deadpool out of here, but that was really overkill! For God’s sake, please try to control your temper next time!

Lily: (Exasperated) Okay! I’m sorry, I’m sorry! (Puts her whip away) Can we just get back to the show now, please? (She takes her place at the chair again.) Entonces, what else do we have to cover about Team Rocket?

Det. Pikachu: We would be talking about their Pokémon teams, but I already took care of that.

Emily: Well, thank you for saving us all that work, Detective. So, what shall we discuss next?

Det. Pikachu: We’re on the home stretch, girls! Our second-to-last topic is Team Rocket’s arsenal! When their Pokémon get taken out, our villainous trio has a boatload of dangerous toys to fall back on! In fact, this may actually be the largest section on our list, and you’ve seen how much we’ve talked about this team already. So to keep this Prelude from dragging any longer, I’m just gonna share with you a file of their entire arsenal.

VS Bio: Team Rocket Arsenal

Lily: Will ya look at that. Team Rocket has so many toys that even the author doesn’t wanna list ‘em all!

Emily: (Chuckles) You know, it’s pretty ironic that in an episode featuring Mega Man and Pokémon characters, it’s the latter who gets that treatment.

Det. Pikachu: (Chuckles) Yeah, that is pretty funny when you think about it. But don’t worry, we’re still going to cover their most basic tools!

WEAPONS:

MEOWTH BALLOON:
* Team Rocket’s main vehicle
* Has a balloon in the shape of Meowth’s head
* Loaded with nets and other kinds of traps
* Rather slow in the air.
* Has rockets on the side to make it go faster.
* Used for escaping or pursuing an airborne opponent.
* Equipped with various weapons

Det. Pikachu: We’ll start with their iconic getaway vehicle: the Meowth Balloon! A hot air balloon isn’t exactly the fastest or stealthiest mode of transportation, but they made it work somehow. It’s surprisingly versatile with how many weapons and gadgets they installed on it! In each episode, it’s often seen carrying missile launchers, a metal claw, and even a beam cannon!

Lily: ¡Chingados! All that from a balloon!? That’s the kind of stuff you’d see on–I dunno, a spaceship or an AC-130!

Emily: Team Rocket is nothing if not well-prepared.

Det. Pikachu: You’re telling me. They’re so well-prepared that even the balloon’s metal claws can be used as close-range weapons, as shown in the video below.

Lily: (Mimicking a fighting game announcer) Perfect K.O! You win! (Back in her usual voice) I tell ya what, Meowth would kick ass at Tekken!

Emily: (Chuckles) I bet you two would have a great time playing against each other. So, what other tools does Team Rocket have?

Det. Pikachu: I’m not sure this counts as a “weapon”, per se. But the trio has an endless wardrobe of disguises that help them get anywhere undetected.

DISGUISES:
* Often utilize disguises to fool and deceive others.
* Are able to disguise themselves as People or Pokémon.
* Are able to fool everyone and even the likes of the Region Professors and Clemont.
* Despite this, it’s possible for someone who is smart enough to be able to see through their disguises or if they do something that blows their cover while in disguise.

Lily: (Facepalms and groans) Oh, you gotta be kidding me! I’ve seen trick-or-treaters on Halloween with more convincing costumes! They didn’t even bother to hide or dye their hair, or wear colored contacts, or even talk in a different voice! Not to mention one of them is a literal talking Meowth! Please tell me no one is stupid enough to fall for those amateurs!

Det. Pikachu: (Embarrassed) Unfortunately…..yeah. Even though their disguises are so lame and the fact that they’re world-famous criminals, no one ever seems to realize that it’s Team Rocket. Not even Ash and his gang most of the time. In fact, the only one who ever figures it out is Misty!

Lily: (Humphs) Figures that the girl’s the only one with any brains.

Emily: (Laughs) I guess Misty and Jessie are more alike than we thought! 

Det. Pikachu: To be fair, Team Rocket often disguise themselves as police officers or nurses. And considering that there’s literally thousands of identical cops and doctors with even the same name running around, you might chalk it up to the heroes not wanting to accidentally hurt the wrong people.

Emily: But how does that explain Meowth? As Miss Lily mentioned, Meowth’s an anthropomorphic talking animal with a Brooklyn accent……who also uses disguises and trickery to fool his enemies. And happens to be the rival of a famous mouse mascot on top of that? Come to think of it, doesn’t this sound so much like Bugs Bunny?

Lily: (Her eyes light up) Holy shit, you’re right! So is that how their disguises always worked? Have Team Rocket been taking their disguise lessons from Bugs? (Waves her arms) Agh, olvídalo, forget it! We’re getting way off-track here!

Emily: (Checks her watch) Ach! You’re right, we only have eight minutes left! (Looks to Detective Pikachu) Is there one more thing you can share with us for Team Rocket’s weapons? 

Det. Pikachu: They have built a ton of giant mechas over their long quest of trying to capture Ash’s Pikachu. And with literally thousands of Pokémon episodes released, we could honestly spend hours talking about this alone! But I know we don’t have much time left, so you can just read the Team Rocket’s Arsenal Bio for more information.

Emily: That’s fair. We need to wrap this whole thing up, anyway. Which nicely brings us to our final topic! 

Det. Pikachu: Alrighty! Well, now that you’ve seen all of their Pokémon, mechas, and weaponry, one might assume Team Rocket would be really tough to beat, right? 

Lily: (Scoffs) Then how do they end every episode getting their asses kicked by a bunch of preteen kids every episode?

Det. Pikachu: Well…Let’s just say that there’s a really good reason why they’re considered the worst members of the Team Rocket organization.

WEAKNESSES:
* “Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again!”

Together:
* Their schemes almost always fail due to incompetence or bad luck.
* Gadgets and mechas tend to get destroyed.
* Can still feel pain or get knocked out.
* Extremely clumsy and accident-prone.
* Often bicker and fight amongst each other

Jessie:
* Very impulsive and short-tempered.
* Calling her old or messing with her hair are good ways to piss her off.
* Also pretty vain on her looks.

James:
* Not outright stupid, but fairly naive.
* Some of his Pokémon tend to misbehave:
** Wobbuffet sometimes pops out of his Pokéball at the wrong time.
** Carnivine and Marnie get TOO affectionate with him when he calls them out: 
*** More of an annoyance than a real hindrance.
* Apparently has a bottlecap collection:
** (Will go BERSERK if someone messes with it)

Meowth:
* Fairly pathetic by canon Pokémon standards
* Little experience in actual battle
* Somewhat cowardly, especially against stronger opponents.
* Refuses to evolve due to hatred for his evolved form: 
** Cannot evolve anyway due to possessing Gigantamax Factor
* Has never successfully performed Night Slash (or at all, for that matter).
* Often distracted by:
** Sexy women or female cat Pokémon
** Ordinary cat toys (ie, yarn balls)
* Has sometimes been mind-controlled by Psychic or Ghost Pokémon

Det. Pikachu: Let’s get the most obvious stuff out of the way first. For all their genius in inventing weapons, Team Rocket are really bad at handling them! They’re so incompetent and clumsy that they end up destroying their own weapons a lot of times! Even when it’s not their fault, they often fail due to unbelievably bad luck, like getting sucked in by a tornado!

Emily: Not only that, but those three squabble and fight even more than my brother and Mr. Louis do! I swear, if those three wasted less time bickering and more time devising better plans, they might not fail so many bloody times!

Lily: Seriously! It’s been like, what, twenty fucking years and they still haven’t caught that Pikachu!? How do these cabrones even still have a job!?

Det. Pikachu: (Nods to what the girls said) Right you are, ma’am! And even with the power of Toon Force on their side, the trio is still prone to getting badly hurt and even knocked unconscious.

Emily: Oh, and let’s not forget that each individual Pokémon has their type weaknesses, just like in the games. Although I’m not sure that applies here since it isn’t a standard Pokémon battle. 

Lily: And as we already covered, Jessie is a hothead, James is kind of a pushover, and Meowth….well, he’s just Meowth. 

Det. Pikachu: Ouch….that’s a bit harsh.

Lily: I mean, he is strong by normal human standards. But compared to much more powerful Pokémon, he’s really a joke. Still, I’m willing to give him this–at least he’s not Magikarp.

Literally the only thing Magikarp is good for.

Det. Pikachu: But despite their looooong history of failures and defeats at the hands of a few children, the Team Rocket Trio has proven time after time that they will never give up on their goals. For better or worse, they are the greatest recurring obstacle in Ash’s journey, and arguably the longest-running villains in any animated show! And now that we’re finished, let’s close this all off by watching Team Rocket’s infamous motto!

Jessie: Prepare for trouble!
James: Make it double!
Jessie: To protect the world from devastation.
James: To unite all people within our nation.
Jessie: To denounce the evils of truth and love.
James: To extend our reach to the stars above.
Jessie: JESSIE!
James: JAMES!
Jessie: Team Rocket! Blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now, or prepare to fight!
Meowth: MEOWTH! That’s right!

Lily: (Stares at the TV, totally dumbfounded) ¿Qué–la mierda–era que?

Emily: (Raised her fist excitedly) That was awesome!

Lily: (Well, at least one of us thinks so.)

Emily: Like I said, even with all their massive flaws, Team Rocket are nothing if not persistent! 

Lily: But will they successfully bypass Roll and get away with breaking into Dr. Light’s lab? Stay tuned to find out!

Emily: In any case, thank you for all your time, detective! This Prelude took a lot longer than we thought, but your research gave us everything we need to do the full episode!

Det. Pikachu: No problem! It was an honor, girls! Well, I got a whole lotta cases to solve, so I gotta roll. So long, and good luck with your Death Battle!

Lily: ¡Adios! Thanks for everything!

(Detective Pikachu leaves through the door, Leaving Lily and Emily alone. Lily gives the signal to the camera to cut.)

Lily: PHEW!!! Aye, de mi, this one took way too long! I need a hard drink and a meal after this!

Emily: Aye, I’m feeling hungry too. How about we go out for lunch together?

Lily: (Smiles) Hell yeah! Let’s have a girls’ night out! Do you like Mexican food?

Emily: I haven’t had any in a while, but I do like quesadillas.

Lily: I know this great Mexican restaurant down the road! You ever heard of La Rosa Negra?

Emily: I….might have passed it a couple of times, but I never went in.

Lily: Well I think you’re gonna love it! The food is amazing, and the bartender’s a good friend of mine, so she might give us a good discount! Whaddya say, it’s on me!

Emily: (Nods) Sounds like a grand time! Let’s go, Miss Lily!

Lily: Okay!…..By the way, can you do me a favor?

Emily: Hm?

Lily: Please, stop calling me “miss.” I know you’re just being polite, but it makes me feel old. Just “Lily” or “Liliana” is fine, okay?

Emily: (Blushes) I’m sorry. Very well, just “Lily” from now on.

Lily: (Pinches Emily’s cheek) Gracias. And don’t apologize, mija! I’ll still love you no matter what you call me! Okay?

Emily: Okay! So…..shall we go?

Lily: ¡Sí! ¡Vámanos!

(They leave the DBHQ and leave for the restaurant in Lily’s car.)

BONUS VIDEO!

WITH SPECIAL THANKS TO:
* ToonGamer619, for providing the rough draft and the Team Rocket bio.

* Dimension-Dino and YoungSamurai18, for proofreading and providing advice.

* And you, for reading and enjoying!

NOTE: Louis’ name is the French pronunciation (the “s” is silent).

(Twenty minutes before showtime; Louis waits impatiently at the door for Edward, who hasn’t shown up yet)

Louis: (On his phone) Where the hell are you, Ed!? You give me crap all the time for showing up late! The one time I show up ready, and you fly off back to Scotland at the last minute!?

Edward: (Scottish accent, on the other line) I already said I’m sorry! I don’t like this any more than you! My father told me he needed me to help him host a sorcerer’s gathering! I didn’t have any other choice!

Louis: Even so, you realize this is our first job in months, and now I’m gonna have to host it all by myself!?

Edward: Not to worry, lad! I thought ahead and already sent in a substitute.

Louis: Huh? What substitute?

(A bright white flash fills the room. Louis looks behind and sees a teenage girl step forth. She has brown, wavy hair tied in a Purity Knit hairstyle and wears glasses and a white dress. She is holding a crimson short sword and a shield in her hands.)

Hello, Mr. Louis! Long time, no see!

Louis: Emily? Ed sent you as my co-host?

Emily: (Lighter Scottish accent; Nods) Aye! My brother said he’d let me fill in for him while he’s away!

Louis: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, she’s not even trained and the show starts in twenty minutes!

Edward: That’s what you’re here for, genius! Just show her the ropes and she’ll do fine! Look mate, I have to go! Good luck with with the show! (Hangs up)

Louis: Ed? ED!? (Groans) That bastard hung up on me!

Emily: Umm……Mr. Louis? Are we going to get started?

(Louis sighs and turns to Emily)

Louis: Yeah. I guess I can make do with you. You saw our past episodes, right?

Emily: (Excitedly) Aye! All of them were fantastic, but Raven vs Shanoa was my favorite!

Louis: Well today’s you’re lucky day, because one of our guests is Shanoa.

Emily: (Gasps) Oh, my God! This is so exciting!

Louis: Take it easy, rookie. Since this is your first time, you’ll be reading from your brother’s script. Just follow it and pay close attention to how I interview the clients. Be calm, professional, and polite, and you’ll do just fine.

Emily: (Smiles coyly) So in other words, be everything that you and Edward aren’t?

Louis: Another smartass comment like that and you’re out of here.

Emily: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! No more smart remarks!

Louis: Good. Are you sure you’re up to this?

Emily: Of course! I’m an Elvis! Excellence runs in the family!

Louis: Yeah well, I hope I see more of that in you than in your brother. Let’s go.

Emily: (I can’t believe I’m actually going to host a Death Battle show! This is so exciting, I might just die!)

---

Louis: Darkness rises, and light to meet it. In every work of fiction from Star Wars to Lord of the Rings, it seems that this motif is always presented in some way. Whether it’s through some hidden, ancient power, or two characters representing each side, or even just the ideals and beliefs of both sides, Black and White will always be enemies.

(Louis and Emily pause and think about his last statement.)

Emily: Do you think maybe you could’ve made that sound less…….”racist?”

Louis: Look kid, I didn’t write this crap. Speaking of which, shouldn’t you be looking at your script?

Emily: Oh! Umm…….(Looks at her papers). Uh, these two heroines are living embodiements of the powers of darkness and light. And this episode, we’ll be pitting them in a duel to see which side is superior.

Louis: Our first contestant is a returning fighter to this show! She gave her life to defeat Raven of the Teen Titans, before the latter brought it back to her!

Shanoa, the Order of Ecclesia’s elite vampire huntress!

Emily: And for her opponent we have…….(Eyes light up at the next line.) Artoria Pendragon!? We’re going to meet Saber from Fate!? This is the greatest day of my–

Louis: (Sharply) Emily! Focus!

Emily: (Clears her throat and starts again) I mean….

Artoria Pendragon, the legendary King of Knights from the Fate series!

As always, I’m Louis LeVainquer, also known as “The Blue Knight!”

Louis: Unfortunately, my usual co-host Edward couldn’t make it today due to family obligations. So for today, his younger sister is covering for him!

(The camera pans to Emily)

Emily: (Blushes) Oh! Um, hi. I, uh–ahem!

I’m…..Emily Elvis, formally known as the White Sage.

Louis: (Places hand on Emily’s shoulder) Relax. Breath deeply, you’re doing fine. (Turns back to the camera) Also, this will be a special Prelude because we’re going to do something we haven’t done before! Instead of bringing in close associates of the contestants, we’ll be interviewing the contestants themselves!

Emily: (Gasps in excitement) Shut up! I mean–our first interviewee will be the aforementioned Shanoa, the heroine from Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia.

Shanoa: (Walks into in the interview room.) Greetings. It’s an honor to be called here again.

Louis: Following her, we’ll have her new opponent Saber for her interview! She’s no stranger to Death Battle, having gone up against the likes of Guts, Clare, and even Captain America in other works!

Saber: (Curtsies politely) Artoria Pendragon, the Once and Future King, at your service.

Louis: Now in this epic battle of darkness and light, which of these powerful women will reign supreme? How do we answer that question, Emily?

Emily: With–uh, hold on. (Turns page over) Uhhhhhhhh, okay! We answer that question with a DEATH BATTLE!!!

---

(Ding!)

Shanoa:
Alias: The Morning Sun
Day of Birth: Presumably between late 18th to 19th century
Age: 20 (as of Order of Ecclesia)
Birthplace: Wallachia (presumably)
Race/Nationality: Wallachian, Eastern European
Height: N/A
Weight: N/A
Affiliation: The Order of Ecclesia (Disbanded)
Theme Song:

Louis: First of all, it’s great to have you with us again, Shanoa!

Shanoa: Thank you. t’s a great honor to be selected for Death Battle once again.

Emily: (Eyes sparkling) Oh, you’re even more beautiful in person, Ms. Shanoa! Raven vs Shanoa was one of my favorite episodes. You and Raven were both amazing, and it was so sweet when you became friends!

Shanoa: (Bashful) Uhhh……thank you very much. My she’s…..enthusiastic.

Louis: Sorry, she’s new. (To Emily) Take it easy. I know you’re excited, but remember we’re here to do a job. (To Shanoa) Before we start, I am curious. Whatever happened to your master Barlowe since the Epilogue?

Shanoa: (Grimly) Let’s just say……..he’s no longer my master.

Louis: Damn. Well…..I guess you kept your promise to Raven.

Shanoa: (Nods head) I keep the promises I make. That man deserved to pay for manipulating us against each other. I am no longer bound to his lies.

Emily: (Smiles) I guess Raven was right about you after all! Speaking of which, have you ever spoken to her since the Epilogue?

Shanoa: We keep in touch. She told me about a green friend of hers who was a guest here a few years ago. Apparently, she took him into the inside of her mind and beat him up viciously.

Emily: (Laughing) That’s right! And then Beast Boy turned into a dinosaur and tried to stomp–

Louis: WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING THAT!!! (Pauses) Ahem! Sorry about that. I think we’re getting off track. Let’s cover our first section with Shanoa. Emily?

Emily: What? Oh, right! (Looks at her script) Ahem! “Ms. Shanoa, can you give us a brief summary of your origin story? Where did you come from, who did you face, and what were your strongest feats?”

Louis: Not bad, Emily. (Gives her a thumbs up.)

Emily: (Smiles) Thank you, Mr. Louis.

Shanoa: I was born in the early 19th Century in Wallachia. I was raised by the Holy Order of Ecclesia, who took me in as an orphan. Growing up, the Order taught me the long history of Dracula’s attempts to wipe out all human life in Europe. For centuries, a brave warrior of the legendary Belmont clan would vanquish the mad vampire and rid the world of his darkness.

Louis: With all of Dracula’s failures, you’d think he’d find a new hobby at some point.

Shanoa: Unfortunately, it wasn’t to last forever. Over the centuries, the Belmont bloodline trickled away to near extinction. With no one to slay Dracula should he return, Ecclesia imprisoned his soul inside a magic vessel until they find a way to destroy him.

Emily: And is this where you came in?

Shanoa: Correct. Since I was young, my master Barlowe trained me to be the bearer of Dominus, the Glyph with the power to destroy the mad vampire once and for all.

Louis: But we wouldn’t have a game if it was that easy. Didn’t some idiot in your church mess the whole thing up?

Shanoa: That would be my stepbrother Albus. Jealous that he wasn’t chosen, he sabotaged the ritual, robbing me of my powers, memories, and emotions. I was forced on a perilous quest to recover my memories, and rescue innocent people along the way. Eventually, I confronted Albus, who was driven completely mad by Dominus’ power. I defeated Albus in a duel, but just before his death, he revealed that he only sabotaged the ritual to save me.

Emily: Save you? From what? I thought he was just trying to steal your power for himself?

Shanoa: (With resentment) Our master “forgot” to tell us that Dominus would ultimately kill those who would try to use it. This whole time, Barlowe was planning to use me not to kill Dracula, but to resurrect him! When that failed, the fool threw away his own life to restore Dracula’s. I was left with no family, and no purpose except to cast the mad vampire back to Hell! I stormed through his castle, destroying his legions of monsters before finally reaching Dracula himself. Using his own power against him, I destroyed the mad vampire and ended his tyranny once more.

Emily: But if you used Dominus, how are you still alive?

Shanoa: (Sadly) That…was Albus, once again. Dominus requires only a single soul wield it. He basically gave up his own life to protect mine. (Smiles sadly) My brave, foolish brother. Always there to protect me right to the end.

Emily: (Holds Shanoa’s hand) I know a thing or two about older brothers. My brother Edward always put his life on the line to protect mine. He would be proud that yours was willing to do the same for you.

Shanoa: (Smiles) Thank you.

(They notice Louis dozing off at his desk)

Emily: Mr. Louis? Mr. Louis! MR. LOUIS!!!

Louis: Ahh! Wh-what happened!? Are we still on?

Emily: (Looks disappointed) Whatever happened to acting professional?

Louis: Powers! We’re moving onto Powers, now!

Shanoa: (Annoyed sigh)

Feats:
* 2nd female protagonist of a Castlevania game.
** 1st being Sonia Belmont.
* Wielded the Dominus Glyph
* Regularly fights the supernatural.
* Rescued the people of Wygol Village.
* Defeated Albus in a one-on-one duel.
** Albus was roughly as powerful as Shanoa
* Uncovered a plan to resurrect Dracula.
* Defeated her insane master Barlowe
* Navigated Dracula’s entire castle and defeated him.
* Borderline OP in Castlevania: Judgement.
* Has one of Castlevania’s coolest theme songs

Powers and Abilities:

Glyph Magic:
* Runes that Shanoa absorbs though her skin:
** “Arm” x2 Weapons or magic powers
*** Swords, Lances, Knives, Axes, Bows, and more
*** Fire, water, earth, wind, lightning, etc.
** “Back” x1 Support powers:
*** Flight, health/strength regen, etc.
** Mostly found from fallen enemies
* Glyph Unions:
** Combines two Glyphs for single, powerful strike.
** Costly, ammo-wise.

Gameplay Videos:

Louis: Okay so, we’ve seen the use of Shanoa’s powers years ago, but would you mind if you refresh our reader’s minds on how they work?

Shanoa: Not a problem. The source of my powers come from Glyphs, magic floating runes I absorb through the markings on my skin (Points to the tattoos on her arms and back). Most of my Glyphs come from the bodies of my defeated foes. After I kill an enemy, I absorb the Glyph they leave behind and gain whatever power or weapon they were using. For example, if I kill a sword-wielding skeleton, I can use the same weapon he was using.

Louis: So basically magic tattoos equals awesome weapons? Putain de merde, I want to meet your artist!

Emily: I thought you hated magic, Mr. Louis?

Louis: I rethought my opinion after Seras vs Tanya. Besides, how can I not love the ability to use any weapon you want at any moment?

Emily: Speaking of which, it is quite impressive how versatile your Glyphs are, Ms. Shanoa.

Shanoa: Thank you. However, I normally use them make short-range weapons such as swords or spears. The longer ranged ones use up more of my magic. And worse, my most powerful Glyphs drain my life energy, which is why I rarely use them.

Emily: That’s right…..You died after you used your Dominus Glyphs to defeat Raven in your last fight.

Shanoa: (Looks down regretfully)

Emily: Forgive me. I shouldn’t have brought that up.

Shanoa: No, it’s alright. No need to apologize. What else should we discuss?

Louis: We need to know about your Dominus Glyphs, and any special power you haven’t shown yet.

Shanoa: Very well….

Dominus Glyphs:
* Shanoa’s strongest Glyphs
* 3 Types: Anger, Hatred, and Agony.
* Obliterates an entire room full of enemies.
* Each does 66 damage
* Defeated Dracula with them

* Dominus Hatred:
** Summons several pillars of light, which then shower the floor surrounding Shanoa.
** “Light, fall like rain!”

* Dominus Anger:
** aka “Dark Inferno.”
** Fires a cluster of flaming energy balls
** See above video by SatanitusLord.

* Dominus Agony:
** Only support-based Dominus Glyph
** Sharply raises all stats
** Slowly drains Shanoa’s health

* Glyph Union:
** Enormous burst of energy that kills everything on screen…including Shanoa
** Its attack power is OVER 9000!!!

Finishing Move – Glyph of Gales:
* Ultra move from Castlevania: Judgement
** Just watch the GIF here, or YuuGiJoou’s video above (3:11).

Shanoa: My strongest Glyphs, the Dominus, are all copies of Dracula’s powers. There are three kinds: Hatred, Anger, and Agony, and each do a tremendous 66 hit points of damage. Hatred summons falling pillars of green light; Anger shoots giant flaming balls of evil energy; and Agony covers my body in dark energy, dramatically boosting my stats.

Louis: Hatred, Anger, and Agony? One more and we can start a really edgy metal band.

Emily: (Ugh……I hate that obnoxious screaming music.)

Shanoa: Each of the Dominus require a great amount of strength and willpower. When Albus possessed the Dominus, it slowly corrupted his mind until he finally went mad. The Dominus also harms its user with each use. If I use all three powers, the combined 9999 hit points will kill everything……including me.

Shanoa: (Confused) What the–

Louis: What the Hell is Vegeta doing here!? (Looks to Emily) Emily, you did that?

Emily: (Giggles, reveals her hands charged with magic) Sorry, I just couldn’t resist.

Louis: You just had to capitalize on that old meme, didn’t you?

Shanoa: I’m sorry, what?

Louis: Oh, sorry. It’s an old inside joke from Dragonball Z.

Shanoa: I’m not familiar…

Louis: Never mind! Forget it! Other than your Dominus Glyphs, what other weaknesses do you have that might make this fight harder?

Weaknesses:
* Glass cannon
* Aggressive fighting style
* Glyphs require energy and recharge
** Only takes a few seconds
* Glyph Unions require specific resources
** Cannot be charged without ammo
* The Dominus Glyph:
** Requires 1/6 of health for each use.
** Glyph Union will kill her instantly
** An absolute LAST resort!

Shanoa: Sadly I’m not very durable, so I have to avoid getting hit as long as possible. Also, I tend to focus more on my offense than my defense. Most of my Glyphs consume magic and need a little time to recharge, and my Glyph Unions can’t replenish without specific resources. Finally, as I mentioned before, the Dominus Glyphs drain my health with each use, so I can’t afford to use them except in extreme emergencies.

Emily: But even with such critical weaknesses, you were still strong enough to defeat two powerful sorcerers, and survive a deadly castle full of Dracula’s worst monsters!

Louis: And finally, you faced down the Vampire Lord himself and sealed the bastard away with his own magic! Will everything you’ve accomplished, you really are “The Morning Sun come to vanquish the horrible night!”

Shanoa: (Smiles happily) Thank you! Is there anything else you need me to share?

Emily: Nope! We’ve got everything we need! You’re free to go, Ms. Shanoa!

Louis: We look forward to your second fight on our channel.

Shanoa: Alright, then. Farewell.

(Shanoa walks up and calmly leaves the room.)

Emily: (Nervously) So…..How am I dont, Mr. Louis?

Louis: Pretty good for your first time! You asked all the right questions, were polite to the guest, and kept a positive attitude. You just need to relax a bit and pay a more attention to the script. But other than that, not bad!

Emily: Thank you so much, Mr. Louis! You’re really much nicer than you appear on your show.

Louis: That’s just because your brother isn’t here to piss me off.

Emily: (Looks slightly annoyed, but hides it.)

Louis: But anyway, now we just need to wait for Saber to come in. Are you ready, Emily?

Emily: Yes, sir! Ready when you are!

(“Hear me, Dracula! I am the morning sun, come to vanquish this horrible night!”)

Bonus Videos!!!

---

(Ding!)

---

SABER:
First Appearance: “Fate/Stay Night” (2004)
Real Name: Artoria Pendragon
Birthdate: Unknown (Somewhere in the 400s, AD)
Birthplace: Kingdom of England, Great Britain
Race/Nationality: British
Height: 5’1″
Weight: 92 1/2 lbs
Aliases: Proud Knight-King, King of Knights
Theme:

(Artoria walks in gracefully, a look of royal pride on her face)

Louis: Well, then here she is–the Legendary King of Knights–Saber/Arturia!

Saber: (Bows politely) It’s an honor to be here.

Emily: (I can’t believe I’m looking at THE King of Knights! She’s so majestic! Her golden hair! Her silver armor! Her emerald eyes!)

Louis: Enchante’, madame. We’ve had a lot of guests on this show, but I think this is the first time we’ve been in the presence of royalty.

Saber: You honor me with your words. Also, I can tell by the way you spoke to me that you hail from France.

Louis: Well, not me personally. But my family traces back to that country.

Saber: I see. Still, it’s hard to believe our countries were rivals some centuries ago.

Louis: (Laughs) I hope that doesn’t mean you’ll try to kill me?

Saber: (Smirks) So long as you don’t give me a reason to.

Emily: No! No! No! We have enough violence with you and my brother! We don’t need to start it with Lady Artoria!

Saber: Calm yourself, it’s only a jest. I can tell Sir Louis is a noble man, no matter where he’s from.

Emily: (Embarrassed) Right. S-sorry.

Louis: (Laughs) Take it easy, Emily! If we wanted to fight, we’d draw our swords already! But let’s not waste any time. Saber–is it fine if I call you Saber?

Saber: There is no harm in it.

Louis: We got a lot of backstory to cover, both with the Legend of King Arthur, and the Fate storyline. Please tell us where you came from, and all the accomplishments you made as the King of Louiss and as a Saber-class Servant. We don’t have a lot of time, so just make it as short as you can.

Saber: I’ll try my best, but there’s a lot I need to cover.

Emily: May I ask one question? When I was little, my brother Edward read me the story of King Arthur every night. But I’ve never heard of the legendary King of Knights being a woman?

Saber: Well, the reason is–

Louis: Hold on, but allow me to give a short answer: it’s anime. Why else do you think Alexander the Great is a muscular dudebro obsessed with RPGs? Or Spartacus looks like the deranged lovechild of Simon Belmont and Voldo? Or Gilgamesh is a bishounen Dio Brando lookalike? Here, just look at the screen!

Real Alexander:

Anime Alexander:

Real Spartacus:

Anime Spartacus:

Real Gilgamesh:

Anime Gilgamesh:

Saber: (Sees Archer’s pic and blushes) (Ugh! Archer, you distasteful–)

Emily: (Eyes wide) They took a lot of liberty with mythology, didn’t they? Also, why the hell is Gilgamesh naked?

Louis: See what I mean? As for Gilgamesh, we’ll let someone in the comments answer that. But let’s get back to you, madame Artoria.

Saber: (Shakes it off) Though indeed I am a woman, my story is likely similar to the one your brother told you. When I was young, I was raised by the sorcerer Merlin to be King of Britain, which I earned the right to by drawing the sword Excalibur from the stone. During my reign, I formed the Knights of the Round Table and led Britain to countless victories and a golden age of prosperity.

Emily: That’s right! But then you were betrayed by your son Mordred–

Anime Mordred:

Emily: Or…..”daughter” Mordred?

Louis: Like I said, it’s just anime.

Emily: (Touches her chin, thinking) But something doesn’t add up. If you were King, then you would’ve married another woman. So how did–

Saber: (Slams the table angrily) Look, it’s a long and complicated story, okay!?

(Louis and Emily stare at her in shock)

Saber: (Calms down) Forgive me. Yes, my…….child Mordred betrayed me out of resentment for me not giving her the throne. Our Kingdom was brought into a deadly civil war that culminated in a final duel between me and Mordred. Both of us were killed and the war ended without a victor.

Emily: (Sadly) That’s so tragic. To be forced into to war against your own child. And for what?

Louis: C’est la guerre, kid. So, let’s fast forward to modern day. What brought you back hundreds of years later after your death in battle?

Saber: The same thing that brings all Servants back: The Holy Grail War.

Louis: (Oh, Lord. I just know Emily’s going to pull a Monty Python joke.)

Emily: I’m sorry, the Holy Grail War?

Saber: It’s a battle royale that happens every ten to sixty years. In each event, the Grail will materialize into the real world and choose seven Masters, who summon seven Servants to fight on each one’s behalf. Each Servant is a legendary hero, monarch, or villain from a different place and time, including the three you mentioned before. The last one standing would earn the right to the Grail and have their greatest wish granted.

Emily: I see. And I’m to assume you’re one of those Servants brought by a Master?

Saber: (Smiles and nods) That’s correct. It’s also how I got my title as the Saber class. I’ve competed in at least three Grail Wars, each under a different Master.

Kiritsugu Emiya (Fate Zero):

Shirou Emiya (Fate/Stay Night):

Rin Tohsaka (Unlimited Blade Works):

Emily: (Squealing) Ooooh, look at Rin! She’s so adorable!

Louis: Just don’t search on Google Images–unless you want the FBI to come knocking. And I can tell Kiritsugu and Shirou are definitely badasses. You’ve had some interesting masters, Saber.

Saber: Thank you. And as the King of Knights, I’ve performed countless heroic feats both before and after the Grail Wars. I’ve won duels against the likes of Alexander the Great and Hercules, and even destroyed that diabolical madman Gilles de Rais.

Louis: That’s all amazing to hear, Artoria! But if you don’t mind, we’d like to list all your feats below to save time.

Saber: No problem at all.

FEATS:
King Arthur’s Legend:
-Was an accomplished military strategist
-United Britain against the Saxons and founded the kingdom of Camelot
-Pulled the sword out of the stone
-Personally fought on the frontlines with her army
-Considered one of the great swordsmen of the age
-Killed dragons and other unholy creatures
-Defeated – and killed – Mordred in single combat:
— Though at the cost of her own life

Fate/Zero:
-Destroyed Rider/Iskander’s Gordius Wheel
-Found a worthy opponent/friendly rival in Lancer/Diarmuid
-Vaporized an army of eldritch horrors, including the nigh-invulnerable Gigantic Horror – the Nasuverse equivalent to Cthulhu – and Caster/Gilles de Rais
-Defeated Berserker/Lancelot

Fate/stay night – Fate Route:
-Fended off Lancer/Cu Chulainn
-Busted out Excalibur’s true form and destroyed Rider/Medusa in one shot
-With Shirou’s help, defeated Berserker/Hercules
-Killed the master swordsman (Fake) Assassin, parrying a technique that was capable of slicing the laws of physics
-Killed Gilgamesh himself by resorting to a trump card that surpassed even Ea
-Was underpowered for all of this thanks to having Shirou Emiya as a Master

Fate/stay night – Unlimited Blade Works Route:
-Fended off Lancer/Cu Chulainn
-Though underpowered, through sheer skill Saber matched Berserker/Hercules in direct combat and even landed a mortal blow
-Still considered enough of a threat that Archer refused to fight her directly, even when he wanted to kill Shirou
-Received a massive power up with Rin Tohsaka as her Master

Fate/stay night – Heaven’s Feel Route:
Actions as Saber Alter:
-Easily swats away Archer
-Murders Rider/Medusa and Shirou simultaneously in one Bad End
-Curbstomps Berserker/Hercules
-In the Fate/unlimited code video game, even defeats her default self

Fate/hollow ataraxia:
-Dominated Archer in a duel
-Unleashed the full power of Excalibur on an army of Avenger copies

Louis: All right! With ALL that backstory out of the way, let’s get to the part that really matters. First off, what are your greatest strengths of being a Saber-class Servant?

Saber: For starters, all my base stats like Strength, Endurance, and Mana range from mid-B to A++, which is not only high, but incredibly balanced. Not only that, but I also have powerful skills I’ve acquired both as a Servant and the former King of Britain. These include high-level magic resistance, Charisma fit for a king, and razor-sharp combat instinct.

Saber’s Stats:
* Alignment: Lawful Good
* Strength: A
* Endurance: B
* Agility: B
* Mana: A
* Luck:A+
* N. Phantasm:A++

Class Skills:
* Magic Resistance: A
* Riding: B

Personal Skills:
* Charisma: B
* Instinct: A
* Prana Burst: A

Noble Phantasms:
* Excalibur: A++
* Invisible Air: C
* Avalon: EX

Emily: Already this looks very impressive, but I think we’re only getting started!

Louis: For such a small-looking woman–no offense–you’re clearly not someone to underestimate!

Saber: Indeed. Being a Servant comes with plenty of perks. I’m strong enough to throw a 80,000 trailer truck, cause damage to hard steel and concrete, and even collapse an entire building with a swing of my sword! Furthermore, I’ve been quick enough to run up sheer walls and dodge machine gun fire. I could even outrun a possessed F-15 fighter jet!

Emily: You can actually outrun a bloody fighter plane!? Edward would be so jealous!

Louis: (Laughs) Yeah, I would LOVE to see the look on his face!

Emily: (Ignores him) But what if you end up getting hurt in battle? Would you be able to keep going?

Saber: Of course! My armor is enchanted with Mana, which is essentially the source of my world’s magic. Should my armor be damaged, I can use some of my Mana to repair it. Certain enchanted weapons like Lancer’s Gae Dearg spear can pierce it, but that’s an extremely rare case. Even without my armor, I’ve survived getting slammed around by Berserker, and even took a direct hit from Gilgamesh’s sword Ea!

Emily: What’s Ea?

Saber: It’s a blade whose power can warp reality by creating Reality Marbles–pocket dimensions based on the user’s memories.

NOTE: At the time Saber was struck, Ea was severely-handicapped. Even then, it has crippled high-level servants with a single hit.

Louis: Pocket dimen–what the hell is this!? Are we being visited by Dr. Strange now?

Emily: Don’t get upset, Mr. Louis. After all……it’s anime. (Smiles coyly)

Louis: (Chuckles) Okay, you got me there. Reality-bending bullshit aside, what other skills do you have?

Saber: This doesn’t have much to do with fighting, but the Grail gifts Servants like me certain information about the modern world. I also have the gift of Riding, meaning I can tame beasts and drive vehicles with relative ease.

Emily: You know about the modern world? Does that mean you understand this?  (Turns on the TV screen)

Saber: (Laughing) Yeah, Monty Python and the Holy Grail! Truly a classic!

Louis: (Puts on outrageous French accent) Mais bien sûr! Ah’m French too! Whae do you think Ah have zis outrrrageous accent?

Emily: (Imitating French accent) You do not frighten me, English pig-dog! (Blows raspberry)

Saber: (Winding down) Yes, yes. It is funny. But let’s move on, shall we?

Physicality & Skills:

Strength:
-Lifting Strength: Chucked a trailer truck with ease:
— Trailer trucks can weigh up to 80,000lbs with a full load
-Striking Strength:
— Even underpowered, could go toe-to-toe with Berserker/Hercules
-Boosted with Mana Burst
-Swings can level buildings
-An exchange of blows with Berserker or Lancer typically pulverizes steel and concrete from the resulting kinetic energy

Speed & Dexterity:
-Running Speed: Mach 15.13, outran a demonically empowered F-15 fighter jet
-Reflexes/Reaction Time: Est. Mach 45
-Boosted with Mana Burst
-Runs up vertical surfaces regularly
-Evaded automatic fire
-Enhanced via Eye of the Mind (True)

Durability:
-Enchanted armor
-Took hits from Berserker/Hercules
-Survived a direct hit from handicapped Ea

Adaptational:
-Adapted to modern times
-Adjusts combat strategies on the fly

Intelligence:
-Political and administrative savvy, became king at 14 and successfully led her country to prosperity
-Commanded large enemies and governed half of Britain
-Commands a respectable knowledge of magecraft

Master Swordswoman:
-Gilgamesh himself wouldn’t want to engage her in a simple duel:
— Of course not, the pretentious, arrogant prick
-Became Shirou’s mentor in swordsmanship

Sixth Sense:
-Borders on precognition, advances reaction time

Blessing of the Lady of the Lake:
-Can walk/run on water

Emily: (Reads the chart) This part is interesting. It says here that you can walk on water?

Louis: What, is she Jesus all of a sudden?

Saber: (Chuckles) I don’t think Jesus would be the type to get involved in a Death Battle. No, what allows me to walk on water is the Lady of the Lake’s blessing.

Emily: Is it like how Sonic the Hedgehog can run on water because he’s so fast?

Saber: Not quite. It’s more like the water becomes solid beneath my feet, as if I’m standing on solid ground.

Saber running on water due to her blessing from Lady of the Lake [Fate/Zero]
byu/Ownsin inanimegifs

Emily: I see. Well it’s a good thing you’re not an Olympic swimmer or you’d be DQ’d on the spot!

Louis: But while pretending to be Jesus is fun, it’s not a power that’s gonna decide any matches. So, what super powerful moves do you have that can really turn the tide?

Saber: Like all Servants, I possess Noble Phantasms–powerful weapons or attacks based on one’s accomplishments in their past life. In my case, my Noble Phantasms are tied to my sword Excalibur.

Emily: Of course, since it’s your greatest weapon and all.

Saber: Well, it’s not exactly what you think. While Noble Phantasms are powerful, they aren’t always weapons per se. Some don’t even have physical form, like my usage of Invisible Air–Wind Magic that I can use to conceal my blade.

Louis: What the hell’s the point of not being able to see your own weapon?

Emily: That should be obvious! If you can’t see it, then neither can your opponent!

Saber: Yes, and this makes my sword that much harder to dodge since my opponent can’t determine its length. I can also conjure wind around myself as a shield or even an attack. Besides, since the opponent won’t know that I wield Excalibur, they won’t be able to keep tabs on me based on my history.

Louis: (Blushes) R–right. I knew that. I was just trying to see if the rookie could figure it out.

(Saber and Emily both look unconvinced.)

Emily: Uh-huh.

Saber: Riiiiight.

Louis: Let’s just talk about the damn sword!

Emily: In my bedtime stories, I learned that Excalibur was a divine and mighty sword, capable of slaying all sorts of monsters and demons.

Saber: Those stories are accurate. I’ve taken down many a worthy foe using Excalibur, before and since the Holy Grail Wars. And with enough magic and charge time, I can unleash my ultimate Noble Phantasm: “The Sword of Promised Victory.”

(Louis and Emily stare at the screen, amazed)

Emily: That……….Was……….

Louis: FUCKING INCREDIBLE!!!

Saber: (Just smiles proudly)

Noble Phantasms:

INVISIBLE AIR:
* Wind Manipulation
* Anti-Unit level Phantasm
* Hides Excalibur’s Identity
* Obscures blade’s length
* Defensive and offensive purposes

EXCALIBUR:
“The Sword of Promised Victory:
–Rank A++
-Anti-Fortress rank
-Divine Blasts
-Holy Nature:
–Effective against Dark Beings
–Powerful enough to annihilate a kaiju-sized Gilles de Rais
-It’s just……fucking awesome

(Louis and Emily snap out of it)

Emily: (Gasps) Oh, my God! (Pages through the script) Bollocks, I lost track! What page are we on?

Louis: Forget the script, Em! So…..Saber, your Noble Phantasms are certainly impressive. (Especially that second one.)

Saber: But there is one more I’ve yet to cover. And it all has to do with Excalibur’s sheath, Avalon.

Louis: Seriously? The scabbard?

Emily: (Confused) Hold on. The sword I understand, but how on Earth is a scabbard an effective weapon?

Louis: Ever played Soul Calibur VI? Mitsurugi has some moves where he whacks the opponent with a sheath.

(Check out Arkham500’s YouTube Channel for awesome SC6 videos!)

Saber: No, no, that’s not how it works. My Avalon acts more as a conduit for other magic abilities. Such powers include rapid healing, eternal youth, lifting curses, and brief invincibility. However, this invincibility has a severe time-limit.

Emily: Oh, like one of those stars from Mario?

Saber: Not quite. It can briefly transport me to the Realm of Fairies, rendering me impervious to even the most fearsome weapons. Not even Ea could touch me in that state. The only downside is that this lasts very briefly–only a minute at best. It’s rarely consistent.

Emily: So less like a Starman, more like a Great Fairy Fountain from Zelda.

Louis: But without that creepy bitch laughing at you like The Joker. You know the one.

Emily: (Hides beneath her hat) UUUUUUUUGH. Make it STOOOOOP!!!

Louis: Je déteste cette putain de fée.

Saber: (Confused silence) In any case…the Realm of Fairies’ defense will eventually expire, but by that point I would’ve been restored back to full health.

Emily: That’s great! Even the legendary King of Louiss needs a second wind!

AVALON:
– Scabbard of Excalibur:
— Rank: EX
-Enhances Healing
– Halts Aging
– Treats Curses
– Temporary Invincibility:
— 1-60 Seconds
— Keeps her safe from all attacks, including Ea
–Full-health Restoration after use

Louis: Alright! I think this is plenty of information for us to work with! All that’s left now is to move on to your weakness–

(Saber stares down silently, almost as if she’s uncomfortable)

Emily: Ms. Saber? Are you all right? What’s wrong?

Saber: (Somberly) There’s…..one more thing I need to discuss. But I warn you, it’s not something one should take lightly. It’s a sort of dark state that I get into when I face an overwhelming opponent like Berserker.

Louis: Oh, man. Here we go.

Emily: (Fearful) What is this power called?

Saber: I call it…….Saber Alter.

Emily: Well, that doesn’t sound too threatening.

Louis: (Saber Alter, eh? This should be interesting.)

Emily: (Horrified) My God! I was so, so wrong!

(Louis is munching on a bowl of popcorn)

Emily: Seriously!? How could you enjoy that!?

Louis: A battle between an evil Fem!King Arthur and a mutated Hercules? How could I not enjoy it? (Shares popcorn) You want some?

Emily: No, thank you! Saber, just–what on Earth was that!?

Saber: That was the malevolent power of Saber Alter. Sadly, it was the only way I could put down Berserker for good. When I go into this state, I lose all sanity and moral code, and turn into a raging beast. My strength, endurance, and magical power skyrocket. My Excalibur is also replaced with an even stronger version of the original. My wounds also heal much sooner thanks to an much more potent healing factor. The only drawback is that I become slightly slower, which is hardly an issue.

Emily: Even with all those benefits, a warrior of your caliber should have no need for evil power! What would drive you to become something like that!?

Louis: (Angrily) Emily, that’s enough! Every hero has a dark side! And Saber said she only turns into hers as a last resort! Hell, she probably hates going into it! Just calm down and be quiet!

(Emily quiets down, looking guilty)

Louis: (Sighs)……..But, she makes a good point. What causes you to become Saber Alter?

Saber: Ironically, it was the Holy Grail. Turns out that it was not the omnipotent wish-granter we thought it was. Long ago, a Babylonian Dark God named Angra Mainyu filled the Grail with evil power. And unfortunately, I happened to suffer exposure to that very corruption. That same evil power still runs in my veins, though I fight every day to resist it.

Louis: So what you’re saying is, whatever vile shit Angra Mainyu infected the Grail with…..

Emily: (Apologetic)….Has infected you, too. I’m so sorry.

Saber: (Forgiving) It’s alright. I’m glad now you understand. I have managed to turn back into my normal form, but only when I’m around an emotional anchor like my master Shirou Emiya.

Emily: The more I hear this, the more I’m reminded of Raven’s Trigon form from Raven vs Shanoa.

Louis: If that’s the case, Shanoa’s gonna have some Vietnam War flashbacks if it comes to this.

SABER ALTER:
-Born from the Corrupted Grail
-Boosted Healing Factor
-Significant physique boost:
–Easily defeated Berserker/Hercules
–Defeated her default self w/ease
–Slower than default Saber
–No indication of Avalon usage
-Black Excalibur:
–MUCH stronger than default Excalibur

NOTE: It’s implied that Saber can enter this state at will, but she avoids it because of its corruptive nature.

Louis: Ooooookay. Any more shocking, terrifying powers you need to share?

Saber: No, there’s nothing more.

Emily: Then I think it’s time to wrap this up! What are the limits of your powers, and what weaknesses could your opponent exploit?

Saber: For starters, my magic supply is limited, as is Avalon’s. I have to use my best moves sparingly or risk complete exhaustion. Such limits also apply to my Magic Resistance.

Louis: Isn’t there also the fact that your power can be dependent on your Master?

Emily: Perhaps, but I doubt we have to worry about that in a Death Battle.

Louis: You’re absolutely right. There’s also the fact that her Alter form is…well, her Alter form. But we already covered it, and I really don’t want any more of that drama.

WEAKNESSES:
– Limited Magic Supply
–Applies to Avalon as well
-Excalibur’s stronger moves can drain her
-Power varies depending on her master
-Magic Resistance has limits
-Alter Form is completely insane
–Requires emotional anchor to return to normal

Emily: But when all is said and done, Saber is no less a formidable force! Through all her heroic deeds and victories, she became a timeless figure both as the King of England, and the heroine of the Fate series!

Louis: And as a Louis myself, I know that if your Servant is the Legendary King Arthur (her)self, then you know you’re in good hands.

Emily: Well Saber, it was an honor to have you on this show with us. And……I’m sorry I overreacted earlier.

Saber: It’s no problem at all! And the honor was all mine! I’m glad that I was able to give you all the research you needed.

Louis: Wait! One last thing! (Draws sword and raises it) EXCALIBUUUUUUUR!!!

Saber: (Stunned for a second, but then chuckles) Very well. (Draws Excalibur) EXCALIBUUUUUUUR!!!

Louis: Always wanted to do that. (Sheathes sword) Alright. Merci et adieu, mon roi.

Saber: And I bid you adieu as well. Thanks again!

(Saber leaves the interview room. The cameras shut down)

Emily: So that’s it? We’re done!

Louis: Okay, okay, okay! That’s the end of the Prelude! We got everything we need from both contestants! Now we just have to make the fight! C’mon, let’s go get lunch.

Emily: Aye, sir!

(“I only joined this war to avoid spilling rivers of blood. Fight for the Holy Grail, no meaningless bloodshed, minimize sacrifices, one person taking up the mission of fate instead of armies of men and competing here! This is what we Servants should do.”)

BONUS VIDEO!!!

 

---

EPILOGUE:

 

(They’re walking down the hall, on their way to the cafeteria)

Louis: So Em, how do you feel? You enjoy your first time?

Emily: It was amazing! I love being part of this show! The music and the script! Meeting Shanoa and Saber face-to-face! It was all so grand! So, how did I do my first time?

Louis: For the most part, you did alright. You treated the guests politely, you followed the script well (mostly), but weren’t afraid to improvise a little bit. You even threw in a couple of your own jokes like the Monty Python one! I think you might have a future here at DBHQ.

Emily: (Stunned) You mean…….I can work here?

Louis: We’ll call this your “job interview”, and I say you passed it. I’ll have Hiro give you some training and practice runs. We’ll then find you a partner, and give you a few projects of your own. Is that good?

Emily: Is that good!? It’s wonderful! (She hugs him tight) Thank you sooooooo much, Mr. Louis! I promise you won’t regret this!

Louis: (Struggling to breathe) Okay, okay! Y–you’re welcome! You—you can let me go now! (Gasps) Anyway, I’m glad you’re excited. And I’m sorry for losing my temper at you earlier. That was totally unprofessional of me.

Emily: It’s not problem. I was a wee bit unprofessional myself. But honestly, for one who appears so brash and impulsive, you’re a lot nicer in person.

Louis: Well, you’re a much easier person to work with. Unlike that idiot brother of yours.

(Emily glares at him, almost looking offended)

Louis: Hm? What’s the matter?

Emily: (Angrily) It’s just…..I wish you’d stop saying all these rude things about my brother!

Louis: (Oh, shit! Now I’ve done it!) L–look, Em! I didn’t mean–

Emily: You and Edward always take shots at each other, and I’m sick of it! Look, I’ve known my brother for 189 years! He can be stubborn, pushy, even a bit arrogant sometimes! But do you think you don’t act like that yourself!? You two have a lot more in common than you realize. But you can’t see that because you’re too caught up in your stupid debate over weapons and magic!

Louis: Maybe that’s true, but do you know how aggravating it is to hear him talk shit about weapon users like me or Hiro!? Calling us shit like “uncivilized” or “barbaric!?”

Emily: And you always call him “weak” or “cowardly” because he’s a magic user like me! This narrow-minded behavior you share is why you always end up fighting! My family has existed in Europe for 4,000 years. In all that time, we’ve seen countless wars and conquests waged by people’s greed and distrust of each other. As centuries passed, technology grew, and so did the number of lives taken in such atrocities! Some people in my family began to see as a symbol of people’s greed and desire for destruction! See, that’s why Edward hates weapons so much!

Louis: (Gives a look like he finally understands) Alright, I get where you’re coming from. But he should learn that technology is only a tool. Carrying a sword or a gun does not make someone a psychotic warlord or mass murderer out to destroy people. In fact, having one is an enormous responsibility requiring someone to have the training and discipline not to abuse it. As a Knight, I believe the only time one should draw their weapon is in self-defense or in defense of another.

Emily: Aye, I agree with you! And Edward feels the same way about magic! He uses his magic as a tool to defend himself or others, but only uses it to fight as a last resort. He also believes that one should have the wisdom to find other ways to solve conflicts without violence. And as a medical witch, I use my magic to heal people suffering from wounds, curses or sickness. Anything can be good or bad, depending on how one uses it. Being a magic user does not make you a spineless, pompous blowhard anymore than being a weapon user make you a murderous, trigger-happy madman.

(Pause)

Emily: So, bottom line: Promise me that you’ll end your childish bickering with Edward, and be nicer to him.

Louis: (Sighs) Okay, I promise.

Emily: I need your word. Promise me that you’ll be nicer to him.

(Louis sighs again and draws his sword. He turns the flat end toward his face and stands in a chivalrous way)

Louis: (Solemnly) I, Louis Lafayette LeVainquer, in the name of my father Alphonse, all my ancestors and descendants, and to Almighty God, do pledge with honor and humility as a Knight–lest I die in disgrace and my name lost to the ages–that I from this day forth shall forego my past quarreling with thy brother Edward, and treat him with respect and friendship as if he were my own. I shall cast away all arrogant and foolish behavior, and act as a man with chivalry and dignity. Je vous promets ma parole, Emily Elvis, alors aidez-moi, mon Dieu.

(He puts the sword back)

Louis: There. Satistfied?

Emily: (Smiles) A tad long-winded, but yes!

Louis: Good, ’cause I ain’t doing it again!……..Wait a minute, did you say you’re 189 years old!?

Emily: Aye! And Edward’s 195! Surprised?

Louis: N–not at all! You look great! Let’s just get to the lunchroom already.

Emily: Yeah! I’m starving!

(Emily walks ahead, but Louis stays behind. He grabs his phone out of his pocket. He looks at his contacts and calls the name “Lily”.)

Lily: (On the other line) Hola, Lulu! It’s been so long, my love! How’ve you been?

Louis: Still handsome as ever, mon amour. But how many times do I have to tell you not to call me Lulu?

Lily: That depends, guapo. Are you calling me for a date, or is there a big, shiny treasure begging for me take it?

Louis: Neither, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m calling because I have a job you might be interested.

Lily: Oh, really? Go on.

Louis: How much do you know about Death Battle?

---

Special thanks to my good friend and mentor Sarge Ray for providing Saber’s bio and helping with banter and research.

Edward: Let’s start this off with a question: Why are we so obsessed with zombies? Is it some deep-rooted fear we have about life after death? Is it a concept that challenges our idea of what defines us as humans? Or maybe it’s a study into the fear and paranoia people have when faced with the unknown?

Louis: Oooooooorrrr….maybe people just love watching zombies get their heads blown off?

Louis: (Laughs) See!? Wasn’t that awesome!?

Edward: Whatever floats your sick, sick boat, Louis. Anyway, zombies and undead mutants have been an iconic figure in Horror as much werewolves or vampires. Through countless movies, TV shows, and novels, these mindless, undead terrors have both terrified and fascinated the public conscious to the point that we can’t stop bloody talking about them.

Louis: And video games are certainly no exception. Whether you’re exploring the Arklay Mansion in Resident Evil, surviving the apocalypse in The Walking Dead, or sending Nazi Zombies back to Hell in Call of Duty, players will always find joy in massacring zombies.

Edward: Which is why this Death Battle will be a duel between two of the most beloved zombie shooters: Capcom’s Resident Evil and SEGA’s House of the Dead. However, we’ll also do something that’s rarely seen in Death Battle.

Louis: That’s right! Our first-ever 2 vs 1 battle! Starring…….

Leon Kennedy and Claire Redfield, the heroic couple of Resident Evil 2.

And their opponent…..

The Magician, the most infamous boss of The House of the Dead.

As always dear readers, I’m the Red Mage, Edward Elvis!

And I’m the Blue Knight, Louis LeVainquer!

Louis: And joining us this time are…….(Reads the memo and looks terrified) Oh God, noooooo!

Edward: What? Who is it?

Louis: (With dread) Ingrid Hunnigan.

Edward: Oh, no! Not that bloody–

(Ingrid barges into the interview room and smiles)

HIIIIIIIIII!!!!! So glad to be a part of this after so long! So, when do we start talking about my darling Leon?

Edward: (Whispers to Louis) Of all the people you could’ve picked–

Louis: This wasn’t my idea, dickhead! (Sighs) And standing in for The Magician is Daniel Curien, the son Dr. Roy Curien, who created the Magician.

Good evening, Mr. LeVainquer, Mr. Elvis. It’s an honor to be invited to this show.

Edward: My, he’s a polite one. But now…

Louis: In this modern David and Goliath story, will the two heroic humans destroy the monster, or will they perish and join the ranks of the undead?

Edward: There’s only one way to determine the winner, and you all know what that is.

Louis: With……..a DEATH BATTLE!!!

(Ding!)

---

ATTENTION!

Edward: Hello? I know this is sudden, but we want to give a quick note before starting this Prelude. Since this episode will be a two-on-one battle, we agreed that it was best to bend the rules a little bit.

Louis: First of all, our smart, handsome, and muscular author made two bios for Leon and Claire (and you’ll find their full bios in the description below.)

Leon S. Kennedy Bio

Claire Redfield Bio

Edward: (Scoffs) However, to save time and go through both characters at once, we combined certain parts of both their bios in the same segment. Thus, we’ll be talking about Leon and Claire as if they were one character, not two individuals. However, we’ll go through the Magician’s bio normally, without any major alterations.

Louis: Also, the battle will be a House of the Dead-style boss fight. So, the two RE characters will only get their basic sidearms as their weapons.

Edward: It may seem strange to some that we’re purposely handicapping the two, but don’t worry. There IS a reason for it. You’ll understand once we get to the Magician.

Louis: Leon has RPGs that one-hit-kill bosses for God’s sake! How can the Magician stand against that!?

Edward: But with all that said–ladies and gentlemen, let’s take a look at the two heroes of Resident Evil 2!

Leon Scott Kennedy & Claire Redfield:
Ages: 36 [Leon]; 32 [Claire]
Born: 1977 [Leon]; circa 1979 [Claire]
Nationality: American
Height: 5’10 (170cm.) [Leon]; 5’6 (169cm.) [Claire]
Weight: 155lb. (70.2kg.) [Leon]; 116lb. (52.4kg.) [Claire]
Occupation: US Gov’t Agent [Leon]; Human Rights Activist [Claire]
Affiliation: Division of Security Operations [Leon]; TerraSave [Claire]
Theme Song:

Louis: (Fils de pute. Of all the people we could be interviewing we got Leon’s crazy fangirl.) 

Edward: (Let’s get this over with, fast.) So……Miss Hunnigan, It’s a pleasure to have you with us once again.

Ingrid: (Ecstatic) I know, right!? Can you believe it’s been like what? Three years since Bond vs Leon? I can’t believe it’s been that long already!

Louis: That’s true! Ed and I weren’t even official hosts yet! You and Mr. Tanner did the interview while we did the story, script and analysis. Glad it was such a success, or we wouldn’t have kept this job!

Edward: Speaking of which, how is Mr. Tanner? Did you keep in touch with him?

Ingrid: We Skype from time to time. He’s still working at MI6; said that they’re planning the next James Bond movie in 2021. Meanwhile, I’m still slaving away at the FOS HQ in rainy Seattle….(Blushes, having a perverted fantasy)….dreaming of the day when Leon breaks into my office, tears off my clothes, and brings his lips down to my pus–

Louis & Edward: STOOOOOOOP!!!

Louis: With respect, ma’am, this is a Death Battle Prelude, not a horny fanfic on ArchiveOfOurOwn. Could we stay focused, please?

Ingrid: (Blushes harder) Ehh…..sorry. What do you want me to talk about first?

Edward: Could you please start by telling us Leon and Claire’s backstory, and their history together?

Ingrid: Alright. (Adjusts glasses) Leon’s story began on the night of September 30, 1998–the night of the infamous G-Virus plague on Raccoon City. Leon–then a rookie cop for the local police department–missed his first day on the job.

Louis: Because he was so drunk from the night before that he passed in bed the next day! Not exactly a good way to start a new job that requires you to be sober!

Edward: Aye, but ironically, being drunk is what saved his life.

Ingrid: Indeed. The night when he woke up and realized he was late, Leon put on his uniform and rushed down to Raccoon City–only to find the whole town in flames and the populace turned into zombies! Confused and terrified, Leon was found with no backup, no escape route, and hundreds of zombies ready to tear him apart. That is, until……….that bitch showed up. (With obvious disdain.)

Louis: (Oh, here we go.)

Edward: (Bloody Hell.) And I suppose the “bitch” you’re referring to is Claire Redfield?

Ingrid: (Looks away in a huff) Who else could I be talking about? She’s nothing special–just a stupid ginger skank obsessed with motorcycles who isn’t worth Leon’s–

Louis: HUNNIGAN!!! For God’s sake, can you please get over your infatuation with Leon until this show’s over?

Edward: (THANK you, Louis!)

Ingrid: (Sighs)…..Claire Redfield was a civilian college student searching for her older brother Chris, a member of the Swift Tactical and Rescue Service (STARS). Unfortunately for her, the town was already engulfed in the G-Virus epidemic the moment she got there. Like Leon, she got swept up in the chaos, with her brother nowhere to be found.

Louis: Now, that’s better!

Edward: Let’s get to the part where Leon and Claire’s stories intersect. How did they end up meeting each other?

Ingrid: Leon and Claire randomly bumped into each other after being chased by attacking zombies. To each other’s surprise, they both turned out to be pretty handy in a fight–Leon due to his police training, and Claire due her private lessons with her brother. Naturally the two teamed up, and went on a zombie-murdering crusade to the Raccoon City Police Department in search of Claire’s brother.

Edward: But they never found him, did they?

Ingrid: No, which was probably a good thing. Chris Redfield already left Raccoon City weeks before the incident on a quest to take down Umbrella. But the people they found instead were they found were a frightened 9-year-old girl named Sherry Birkin, and a female spy named Ada Wong.

Louis: Ah, Ada. I remember kicking her ass as Black Widow in a match of One Minute Melee. We actually turned that into our first DBX episode!

Edward: And then Hiro got angry at you for winning. The two of were about to turn the place into a shooting gallery until my sister cast that friendship spell on you.

Louis: (Deeply embarrassed) Ugh, can we please not talk about that?

Ingrid: Aaaaanyway, Leon and Claire followed Sherry into the Raccoon City sewers, where they met the girl’s mother and father. But it wasn’t exactly a happy reunion–not when both her parents were the two Umbrella scientists responsible for creating the G-Virus. Even worse, Sherry’s father Dr. William Birkin already injected himself with a potent strain of the virus, turning himself into a giant monster.

Edward: Good Lord! With parents like that, it’s no wonder Sherry chose to run away!

Louis: No kidding. Still, I’d say having Leon and Claire as surrogate parents is a pretty good trade-off.

Ingrid: And as if things couldn’t get any worse, Sherry herself became infected with the G-virus, forcing Leon and Claire to find a vaccine before it kills her. Fortunately, they manage to create said vaccine and deliver it to Sherry courtesy of her mom, Annette. But to make a veeeeery long story short, the trio found an underground train and rode it out of the Umbrella lab, destroying the mutant Dr. Birkin along the way. Freed from danger at last, the three Raccoon City survivors parted ways. Leon decided to look after Sherry, while Claire resumed her journey to find her brother.

Edward: The two would later find themselves in more adventures of their own.

Louis: But those are stories for another time. I just want to move on to their Feats and Weapons, already.

Edward: Always the impatient one…

Shared Feats:
* Before they met, each used their respective training to take down several attacking zombies
* Killed literal armies of zombies and BOWs throughout Raccoon City
* Rescued Sherry Birkin from the overrun Raccoon City Police Dept.
* Discovered Chris Redfield’s diary, which revealed that he was investigating Umbrella in Europe
* Killed a giant, T-virus mutated alligator
* Outran and eventually killed the T-00 and the mutated Dr. William Birkin
* Became two of the few survivors of Raccoon City:
** Alongside Sherry Birkin, Jill Valentine, Carlos Oliviera, and Ada Wong
* With agent Angela Miller, escaped an airport full of zombies and BOWs
* Assisted in taking down Curtis Miller, who infected himself with the G-Virus

Individual Feats:

Leon:
* Graduated from the Raccoon City Police Academy
* Is one of the few Raccoon City residents to avoid the G-Virus:
** Only because he overslept………dumbass
* Turned out a pretty competent fighter even though it was only his first day as a cop
* Saved fellow survivor Claire Redfield and teamed up with her
* Rescued Sherry Birkin, the daughter of Umbrella scientist William Birkin
* Defeated several enormous BOWs, including the Tyrant T-103 and the mutated William Birkin.
* Became one of the few survivors of Raccoon City:
** Alongside Claire Redfield, Sherry Birkin, Jill Valentine, Carlos Oliviera, and Ada Wong
* Fought his way through village after village of insane, murderous members of a fanatical cult, Los Illuminados
* Defeated giant monsters and BOWs, including El Gigante, Del Lago, and a mutated Ramon Salazar.
* Defeated former ally Jack Krauser in a one-on-one knife fight
* Destroyed the deranged bioterrorist cult Los Illuminados
* Rescued Ashley Graham, the daughter of the US President
* Trained a squad of SRT agents how to effectively kill zombies
* Helped Claire and agent Angela Miller escape an airport full of BOWs
* Assisted in taking down Curtis Miller, who infected himself with the G-Virus
* Survived being alone in a civil war in the Eastern Slav Republic
* Managed to keep his cover when he was interrogated by ESR soldiers
* Eliminated the “Las Plagas” virus that was used to kill the country’s civilians
* Saved the ESR soldier “Buddy” from getting infected himself by shooting his spinal cord:
** This however, left Buddy crippled for life.
* Saved fellow DSO agent Helena Harper from a zombified President Adam Benford
* Escaped with agent Helena Harper from the overrun college in Tall Oaks
* Survived against Helena’s mutated sister Debra
* Fought BSAA Captain Chris Redfield to a standstill.
* Destroyed the mutated Derek C. Simmons, the main antagonist of Resident Evil 6.

Claire:
* Was trained in martial arts and firearms by Chris Redfield, a US Air Force vet
* Killed literal armies of zombies and BOWs throughout Raccoon City
* Rescued Sherry Birkin from the overrun Raccoon City Police Dept.
* Discovered her brother’s diary, which revealed that he was investigating Umbrella in Europe
* Killed a giant, T-virus mutated alligator
* Outran and killed the T-00 and the mutated Dr. William Birkin
* Became one of the few survivors of Raccoon City:
** Alongside Leon Kennedy, Sherry Birkin, Jill Valentine, Carlos Oliviera, and Ada Wong
* Eluded several trained Umbrella security guards before she was finally caught
* Fought her way through a high-security prison full of zombified guards
* Dodged several sniper shots fired by Alfred Ashford
* Survived a plane crash into the South Pole
* Survived an Antarctic blizzard
* Finally reunited with her brother Chris after months of searching
* Killed a mutated Steve Burnside (Darkside)
* Killed Alexia Ashford after she self-mutated
* Rescued Moira Burton, Barry Burton’s daughter

Edward: Now as we mentioned before, we’ll be playing off this battle as an arcade-style boss fight, which means each character will only be allowed to use their basic pistols.

Louis: In other words, none of the cool stuff like Assault Rifles, Shotguns, RPGs or Grenade Launchers. (Scoffs) Admit it, Ed. You’re just doing it this way because you’re afraid of weapons.

Edward: WE’RE NOT HAVING THAT DISCUSSION AGAIN!!! So, Ms. Hunnigan, what weapons do you recommend our heroes use against the Magician?

Ingrid: If you’re looking for sidearms, there’s two that I can think of…

Weapons:

Silver Ghost:
* Leon’s weapon of choice
* Unknown producer (possibly custom-made)
* Firing Mode: Semi-Automatic
* Magazine: 15 rounds (9mm.)
* Can be fitted with silencer
* Based on the H&K USP and S&W Sigma.
* Custom model: Five times more likely to pull off a headshot than most handguns.
* Inaccurate and unstable: difficult to use at mid-to-long range.
* Appearance: Resident Evil 4

Browning Hi-Power:
* Claire’s weapon of choice
* US-produced
* Semi-Automatic
* Magazine: 13 rounds (9mm)
* Firing Range: 54.7yd (50m.)
* “Hi-Power” refers to its high magazine capacity.
* Claire found this pistol in a police car glove compartment while she was running from zombies

Louis: Those of you who haven’t played Resident Evil or House of the Dead may be thinking, “How the Hell can they expect to take on something like the Magician with just a pair of puny 9mms!?” Don’t worry, we’re getting to that.

Edward: But for now, let’s hear what these two have to offer in the fight besides their weapons. Ms. Hunnigan, what do you think are Leon and Claire’s greatest strengths as experienced zombie killers?

Louis: And don’t say something like “Leon’s good in bed.” We don’t need to hear any more of your sexual fantasies.

Ingrid: (Blushes) Alright, already! Sighs, yes. Throughout their adventures, Leon and Claire have spent years taking on all sorts of Bio-Organic Weapons that would obliterate most people. Their greatest strength was the unbreakable sense of trust and teamwork they had in each other. However, they also learned to fend for themselves as individuals. Separately, they’re a force to be reckoned with. But together, they’re unstoppable. Down below you’ll see Leon and Claire’s files, which describe each other’s strengths in more detail.

Strengths & Abilities:

Leon:

Peak physical conditioning:
* Avoided laser tripwires and enemy attacks
* Outran a giant boulder and a giant statue of Ramon Salazar
* Flipped Jack Krauser, who would easily weigh around 200lbs
* Strong enough to hold the combined weight of Angela and the mutant Curtis Miller
* Used a leg lock to prevent a Licker from killing him

Expert marksman:
* Able to land headshots from almost fifty yards away without missing
* Can duel-wield weapons Black Lagoon style
* Can use heavy, explosive weapons just as easily as normal firearms
* Successfully threw his knife into Ramon Salazar’s hand, impaling it

Resourceful:
* Consistently thinks his way out of most situations in record time.
* Has solved several puzzles and challenges along his adventures

Incredible resilience:
* Has survived devastating punches from giant BOWs like the Super Tyrant and the mutated Curtis Miller.
* Survived being needled by an Iron Maiden zombie (though not without damage)

Keen intelligence and intuition:
* Can instinctively detect anyone attempting to sneak up on him
* Ada Wong admits that he’s “practically a genius”

Capable one-on-one fighter:
* Defeated Jack Krauser in a knife duel
* Briefly fought Chris Redfield to a draw.

Possibly Resident Evil’s most shipped male character:
* His harem includes the likes of Claire, Ada, Angela, Manuela, Hunnigan, Ashley, and Helena
* Some even pair him with male characters like Chris or Wesker

Outstanding in bed:
* DAMMIT, HUNNIGAN!!!

Claire:

Peak physical condition:
** Was trained by Chris Redfield, who was trained in the US Air Force.
** Has spent entire nights fighting zombies and BOWs without tiring even once.

Excellent speed and reflexes:
* Outran Mr. X and the mutant Dr. Birkin
* Eluded several Umbrella soldiers until she was caught by a helicopter
* Dodged a sniper round fired by Alfred Ashford

Decent marksmanship:
* Killed Alfred with his own sniper rifle (only happens in Code: Veronica)

Creative and resourceful:
* Since she is a Resident Evil character, it’s safe to assume that she can solve puzzles and escape deathtraps fairly easily.

Fighting Ability:
* Thanks to Chris’ training, is adept with pretty much any weapon she comes across
* Killed a zombie by throwing a combat knife right into its chest
* Destroyed several people who were turned into BOWs, including Dr. Birkin, the Ashford Twins, Steve Burnside, and Curtis Miller
* Fought off numerous zombies at an airport

Other Skills:
* Apparently has some skill in lockpicking
* Somewhat skilled with computers
* Amazing ass, especially in jeans.
Ginger-haired Leon-stealing slut:
* Seriously, Ingrid!?

Together:
Teamwork:
* Place a great deal of trust and friendship in each other.
* Naturally makes them a very common pairing in the RE shipping community.

Edward: (Looks at Louis) Was it necessary to put the video with Claire’s arse on the list?

Louis: Nope! (Laughs out loud.)

Edward: (Scoffs) Alright, I’ll just let your girl Liliana know that there’s another woman that’s caught your attention. I’m sure she’d be very pleased to hear it.

Louis: Go ahead. She’s too busy competing in the NXT and the Mii Fighting League to even care!

Ingrid: (Mutters) Stupid sexy Claire in her True Religion jeans. We’ll see how hot she is when her apartment “accidentally” gets set on fire!

Louis: (Genuinely disturbed; whispers) Okay, she’s gone from crazy fangirl to full-blown Yandere! Let’s wrap this up and get her the Hell outta here!

Edward: (Nods) You’re right, mate! Ahem! So, we’ve covered the duo’s strongest points as a team, but what about their weaknesses? What weak points does each character have that could pose a problem against the Magician?

Ingrid: Surprisingly, not a whole lot.

Weaknesses:

(Since each character has roughly the same weaknesses, this will apply to both.)

Usually has at least one partner at their side:
* Neither is used to handling missions on their own.
** No longer an issue since they’ll be teamed up in this battle
Endurance has limits:
* Always need medicinal herbs or first-aid spray when wounded.
Limited experience fighting normal opponents:
* Spent most of their careers fighting mindless zombies and crazed cultists.
* Occasionally fought living opponents like Krauser, Redfield, or Svetlana
** No longer an issue since their opponent is a genetic monster
Human limitations:
* Can be overpowered by larger opponents or killed by bullets.

Ingrid: And while it isn’t listed here, Claire is almost never seen wearing any sort of protective gear, and usually fights in civilian clothing. Also, while physically she’s……….moderately impressive, she’s nowhere near as strong as her brother, BSAA Captain Chris Redfield. To compare, Chris was strong enough to move a large boulder several times bigger and heavier than him. Claire’s done nothing that comes close to that.

Louis: Still, if those are the only weaknesses these two have, I don’t think they have anything to worry about!

Edward: Especially since two of their weaknesses will be canceled out anyway. Well, Ms. Hunnigan, despite your earlier……misbehavior……you’ve been a valuable help in giving us enough information to work with for Leon and Claire. Thank you for taking the time again to interview with Death Battle again.

Louis: (Now please…PLEEEEEEASE get the Hell out of here!)

Ingrid: Aw thanks, guys! It was fun to be here again after so long! I’m hoping that Leon wins this time (but Claire can die in an oil fire.). Anyway, now I need to finish my fanfiction where Leon licks ice cream off my boobs!

Both: Wait, WHAT!?

Ingrid: BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! (She quickly bolts through the exit)

(Louis and Edward both breath a sigh of relief)

Louis: PHEW! Thank Jesus, She’s finally gone.

Edward: Good grief, I thought that woman was going to be the death of me. I never thought there’d be someone more annoying than you, Louis.

Louis: (Chuckles) Now you’re just making me jealous. By the way, should we warn Claire that Hunnigan plans to burn down her apartment?

Edward: Please, I doubt she’d actually do it. And if she does, Claire would survive and probably hunt Hunnigan down.

Louis: And we’d be all the happier for it. Anyway, call in the next guy!

(Sherry – “Are you guys like… boyfriend and girlfriend?)
(Leon – “No, we’re just… uh, we actually just met… last night?”)
(Claire – “Yeah… that would’ve been one helluva first date, though.”)

BONUS VIDEO!!!

(DING!)

---

Experiment Type-0:
* Codename: Magician
* Age: Appx. 5 years since first appearance
* Height: Unknown (Slightly taller than an average male human)
* Weight: Unknown
* Species: Zombie/Genetic Monster
* Gender: Genderless
* First Appearance: The House of the Dead (1996)
* Theme Song:

(Daniel Curien walks in the room, a polite smile on his face)

Louis: Bonsoir, Mr. Curien! It’s great to have you with us tonight! (Let’s hope he’s easier to deal with than Hunnigan.)

Edward: Please take a seat so we can begin discussing our next contestant!

Daniel: Thank you. It’s an honor to be called up to this show.

Edward: My, he’s polite. We might have an easier time after all!

Louis: We don’t have much time left, so let’s get this started! So Daniel, is there anything you can tell us about how the Magician was created, and why?

Daniel: It all began with the Curien Mansion Case of 1998. The man behind the creation of Type Zero–along with hundreds of other zombies–was none other than my father, Dr. Roy Curien. When I was ten years old, I was diagnosed with an incurable disease that was slowly killing me. As I spent weeks in bed slowly waiting for death, my father promised me that he would find a cure that would save me, even if it meant stepping into forbidden territory.

Louis: Jeez, we’re off to a great start, aren’t we?

Edward: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

Daniel: My father managed to get his project funded by the DBR Corporation, allowing him to build an enormous lab beneath our house and even hire hundreds of scientists. They spent countless days at research, trying over and over to find a way to bring the dead back to life. But their work eventually paid off. Dad came into my room holding a strange vial in his hands. I still remember the hopeful look on his face. He told me that his creation would bring me back to life, and that I wouldn’t have to fear death ever again.

Edward: But the good times weren’t to last, were they?

Daniel: *Sighs*, unfortunately not. For a while, my dad became a hero to me, and I was excited that soon I would be saved from my disease. But over time, he became so obsessed his research that most of his staff called him insane and delusional, and some even abandoned him! This made my father so desperate that he began using his remaining staff as test subjects, turning them into zombies!

Edward: Good Lord, his scientists were right to leave him! I’m sorry if he’s your father, but the man’s completely daft!

Daniel: And it only got worse. One day my father barged into my room, raving about two new monsters he created that he believed would change the future–one of being the Type-0 Magician. I was horrified at the monster my father became because of his research, and feared what kind of Hell he’d unleash on the world.

Louis: Aaaaaaand this is where everything goes to shit!

Daniel: That’s…….one way of putting it. December 18, 1998–Curien released his army of zombies on the whole mansion to get revenge on the people who called him insane. Fortunately, two AMS agents named Thomas Rogan and “G” were called to investigate and rescue any surviving hostages. The two went through room after room killing my father’s abominations and eventually found their way into his underground lab. When they finally cornered him, Curien tried to take them down by releasing his masterpiece, the Magician. But he didn’t expect the Magician to have a mind of its own and betray him–a mistake that cost my father his life.

Louis: Seriously!? His own monster killed him!? You’d think he’d put some failsafes in that thing to make sure that doesn’t happen!

Edward: Curien wasn’t a very good scientist, was he?

Daniel: Anyway, Rogan and G battled the Magician and ultimately destroyed it. But before it died, the monster warned the two agents that they “haven’t seen anything yet,” and that there would be much worse to come years later. His warning came horribly true two years later, when a zombie outbreak occured in Venice, Italy. The man responsible for this incident was Caleb Goldman, who funded my father’s research. The Magician would appear again defending Goldman’s HQ from two other AMS agents, until it was defeated once again. It appeared one last time in 2003 following a much bigger outbreak, after two more agents accidentally revived it. Since then, there’ve been no known incidents where the Magician was released.

Louis: Talk about something that doesn’t know how to stay dead.

Edward: Indeed. But I believe that’s enough information about how our monster came to be. Shall we talk about what he can bring to battle now?

Daniel: No problem!

Feats:
* Dr. Curien referred to the Magician as his “masterpiece”
* Appeared in three games, making him the most recurring House of the Dead boss
* Opened Pandora’s Box in the (non-canon) bad ending of The House of the Dead 4: Special
* The Tarot Card he is based on is the first of the Four Heavenly Kings
* Capable of independent thought, as he killed his creator Dr. Roy Curien in defiance
* After being resurrected by Goldman, oversaw the creation of the Emperor
* Considered by fans to be the most challenging and memorable boss in the series

Louis: (Groans) Great. Now we have to talk about a monster that fights with magic? What does he do, wave a plastic wand around? Pull zombie rabbits out of a hat? Trap his enemies inside a box and saw them in half?……Actually that last part sounds awesome!

Edward: Ignore my foolish partner, Daniel. He has no appreciation for magic or science. But going back on topic, what exactly can your father’s creation do?

Daniel: The Magician was one of my dad’s proudest achievements before his death. He designed it to far surpass all his other zombies in speed, strength, and intelligence. It mainly attacks by using the fireballs generated from its hands. He can fire them directly at his target or shoot them into the air and rain down on top of them. He can also strike his enemy up close while charging a fireball in his hands. The Type-0 is also very intelligent. He knows that he has very weak defense, so he instead zooms around at near-supersonic speeds that make him unpredictable and harder to hit. Along with his intelligence, the Magician has a narcissistic personality. It believes that it’s superior to humans, which is why it refused to take orders from my dad. The only people it seems loyal to are the ones it finds useful. It also has a bone to pick against the AMS agents who killed it in the past, including Agent G, who killed him twice.

Louis: Jeez, talk about holding a grudge. Kind of reminds me of Jill and Revy, actually.

Edward: Those two are still angry at each other since their Death Battle and the remade version?

Louis: (Breaths heavily) You don’t want to know. Just mentioning Jill Valentine in front of Revy is enough for her to point her guns at you!

Edward: Good Lord! Well, I suppose it’s what one should expect from a hotheaded killer like her. But anyway, would you mind if we list what you’ve told us of the Magician’s powers down below?

Daniel: Sure, go ahead!

Strengths & Abilities:

Physicality:
* Has no notable strength feats
* At the very least, can harm humans

Speed:
* Can teleport and fly around at insanely fast speeds
* Uses his speed to catch his enemies off guard
* Fast enough to leave phantasms of himself when he moves
* His attack pattern usually consists of three warps and one attack. (ZOOM-ZOOM-ZOOM-BAM!)

Durability:
* Can take a significant amount of bullets to his weakpoints before dying
* Thick armor covers most of his body:
** Except for the PAINFULLY obvious weak spots on his forearms and shins
* A grenade was enough to kill him while he was weakened

Intelligence:
* Human-level intelligence:
** Refused to take orders from Dr. Curien, showing that he’s capable of independent thought
** Possibly telepathic comminication
** Knew what Pandora’s Box was capable of and tried to use it when he was cornered
** Uses strategy when he fights
** Always attacks at a distance to reduce chance of getting hit
* Has a twisted sense of loyalty:
** Betrayed his creator, but showed loyalty to the ones who revived him after his first death
** Seems to only show loyalty to those he finds useful
* Has a deep grudge against the AMS agents for all the times they defeated him

Pyrokinesis:
* Generates fireballs in his hands to throw or shoot at opponents:
** Also can charge and smack opponents with his fireballs
** Depending on the target, it can take one of these or several to kill a human
** Can also throw multiple fireballs in the air and rain them down
** Each fireball can be canceled out in midair by shooting them

Energy Tackle:
* A new move introduced in House of the Dead 4 Special
* Magician surrounds himself with purple energy and smashes into the opponent at high speeds
* Can only be canceled if the player shoots his weak spot enough times

Pandora’s Box:
* Magician’s last resort if it is defeated
* In the Bad Ending, is used to summon multiple clones of himself
* Can only be destroyed by explosives

(Edward looks distracted, like he’s deep in thought)

Louis: Ed?……Ed? (Snaps fingers) What’s the matter with you, Ed?

Edward: Ah, sorry! I just realized something. Remember when Hunnigan told us that the Raccoon City disaster happened in 1998?

Louis: Yeah. What about it?

Edward: The Curien Mansion case in this game happened in the same year, just a few months later. And both incidents in each game involved zombies, ancient mansions, evil corporations, underground labs, mad scientists, and their children. And a Raccoon City-like incident happened in House of the Dead just two years later.

Louis: (Scoffs) What is this, Game Theory now? Are you saying there’s some kind of connection between the two games?

Edward: I’m just saying it seems way too similar to be a coincidence. If anything, it provides a decent setup for a crossover.

Louis:…….Good point. SEGA! Capcom! I would play the shit out of an RE/HOTD crossover! MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!

Edward: (I should’ve just kept me mouth shut.) Well, we’ve had a grand time discussing what powers our Mr. Magician has, but we’re almost out of time. Let’s discuss the monster’s weaknesses. But I’m sure that it could prove quite a challange to kill it, considering that it’s your father’s masterpiece.

Daniel: Actually, it’s got some pretty severe flaws.

Weaknesses:
* Stupidly obvious weak points on its shins and forearms
* Killed quite easily be small arms fire
* Attacks can be disrupted if he’s hit enough times while doing them
* Ranged opponents are his Kryptonite:
** A big problem considering all of his enemies used guns
* Vulnerable while charging attacks
* In canon, has been beaten every time by teams of two agents
* Technically an unfinished prototype that was released prematurely

Edward: Now I see what you mean. For a so-called “masterpiece” it doesn’t seem all that spectacular.

Louis: Who the Hell releases their ultimate monster with half its weak points exposed!? No wonder it always gets killed!

Daniel: Like you said, my dad wasn’t the best when it came to fixing his mistakes. But even with its major weak points, the Magician was–and is–one of the most dangerous legacies my father left behind and the most infamous boss in the House of the Dead franchise.

Edward: It will be quite a show to watch when the two titanic zombie franchises clash! But that’s all the time we have for today! Thank you, Mr. Curien for joining us and telling us everything you know! It’s been a pleasure having you on our show!

Daniel: No problem! I’m honored to help you guys out with your episode! I hope it turns out well! Bye!

(Daniel leaves the interview room)

Louis: Well, all’s well that ends well! We got all the info we need on each fighter. Join us next time on Death Battle, where it’ll be all-out war between two of our favorite zombie shooter franchises!

Edward: Will the heroic duo of Leon and Claire survive their night with Curien’s creation, or will the Magician put on his greatest and deadliest show? Stay tuned to find out on our latest and most horrifying Death Battle episode, Resident Evil: Pandora’s Box!

(“Welcome, my AMS friends. I have been waiting for this moment for some time.
Now you shall have a taste of the pain that I have endured!”)

BONUS VIDEO!!!