INTRODUCTION
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Louis: I’m a descendant of a long line of French warriors. When I was a child, my dad used to tell me how each member of our family defended our country in her time of need, from the Hundred Years’ War all the way to World War II. He also taught me over and over the Knight’s Code of Chivalry that was passed down to us:
“Be bold and strong in thy enemy’s face.
Admit thine faults with courage and grace.
Honor and faith are thy sword and shield.
From the knight’s path of chivalry, thou shalt never yield.”
Edward: (Scottish accent) The courageous and noble lives led by real life knights led to countless tales of fictional or semi-mythical heroes including King Arthur, Joan of Arc, Siegfried, and Sir Galahad. Even today, we see the same tradition carried on in the worlds crafted by Nintendo and JRR Tolkein!
Louis: Which leads to the topic of this episode! Imagine yourself as a lone soldier on a battlefield, surrounded by hordes of orcs and monsters. All of your allies are dead, missing, or captured. You’re bleeding, bruised, and barely able to stand. Your armor is broken beyond use, and all your only weapon is a dulled, bloodstained sword. You’re hopelessly outnumbered and have no chance of survival. Instead of running away, you let out one last war cry and charge in, ready to take as many bastards down with you as you can! That’s the kind of badass that the two warriors represent in this battle!
Link, the champion of Hyrule who ended the reign of Calamity Ganon.
Versus…
Talion of Gondor, the undead Ranger who ran a crusade of vengeance against Lord Sauron.
Je m’appelle Louis LeVainqueur, The Blue Knight!
And I’m Edward Elvis, the Red Mage!
Edward: But before we get started, there’s a very special guest we’d like to introduce. Someone who generously devoted his time and energy into gathering all the necessary research for this episode!
Louis: This time it isn’t a character from each fighter’s respective universe. It’s actually a fellow Death Battle writer! He’s an up-and-coming author with lots of talent and potential, and wants to put it on full display here! May we introduce……
……The Father of All Monsters, Lord Mortem!
Louis: (“Father of All Monsters?” That seems a bit grandiose.)
Edward: (A title like that can’t mean anything good.)
Louis: Lord Mortem here is the representative of SobekApep’s DeviantArt channel. His boss is a relatively new DB author responsible for writing “Voldemort vs Orochimaru.“
Prelude: Survival War of the Immortal Serpents
DB: Survival War of the Immortal Serpents
Edward: We read it and were very impressed by his work. He also runs an account on Quora where he calculates the power scaling of all sorts of characters. So if you will, please check out his blog site when you get the chance.
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(Mortem bows politely)
Mortem: (Dark, baritone English accent) Thank you very much for your kind support.
Edward: So before we get this started, please tell us a little about yourself and where you come from.
Mortem: Very well. I was born and raised in a manor, in Albania, as Oraclum of House Serpensanguinis, a noble house from England that moved to Albania shortly after Dark Lord Grindelwald’s reign.
Edward: (Wait. Lord Grindelwald? He can’t certainly mean…)
Mortem: I had a sickly but caring mother, Lady Celeste of House Serpensanguinis, and an absent father. I took my magical education from private tutors and my mother until I took over the family business upon my 17th birthday. Unfortunately, my mother died a few months after I turned 23, after decades of fighting a magical variant of tuberculosis.
Louis: That’s awful. I’m sorry for your loss, my friend.
Mortem: (After taking in a shaky breath) It’s okay. It still hurts but I am a lot better now. While I was busy grieving for my mum, I was approached by someone that claimed to have known my father. This young-looking man introduced himself as Umbra Black, the illegitimate last living member of the noble House of Black aside from Lady Malfoy and disowned Mrs. Tonks.
Louis: (Did he just say “Malfoy?” As in Draco from Harry Potter? Who is this guy?)
Mortem: This gentleman claimed that a man named Tom Riddle–a wizard from Magical Britain–was my father.
Louis: Tom Riddle?………OH, YOU CAN’T MEAN–(Ed covers his mouth)
Edward: (Panicked) Shut up, you fool! The mere mention of his name causes death!
Mortem: (Calmly continuing as if he wasn’t even interrupted) Also known as the dreaded Dark Lord of Britain, Lord Voldemort.
Edward: NOOOOOO!!!!!! We’re all doomed! (Crouches down in fear)
Louis: Oh relax, you idiot. Look, we’re all still alive!
Mortem: (Bewildered) What are you worried for? My father has already been dead for years.
Edward: (Surprised) Oh. He has? (Stands back up, relieved) Hoo, that’s a relief! Carry on!
Mortem: (Amused) As you wish. At first, I refused to believe it and tried to kick him out, but he was too powerful and beat me down like a mere child. This was no small feat, since I was an accomplished duelist.
Louis: Must’ve been one hell of a wizard, then. Maybe Ed would’ve had better luck.
Edward: Not in your life. If he’s from the House of Black, I wouldn’t stand a chance.
Mortem: The House of Black is one of the most powerful houses in the Wizarding World, though most think that they died out with Sirius Black. It is no wonder that a member–even a bastard–was so strong.
Edward: Not to mention they’re well-known for their knowledge in the Dark Arts. They guard their secrets like a dragon guards his treasure.
Louis: (Smirks) Is that so? Sounds like the kind of place Lily would love to raid.
Mortem: I am afraid that she is too late, because I have already done that.
Edward: I’m sure she’s already busy stealing from some other mansion.
Mortem: Having no choice, I heard the man out. He claimed that I was born out of wedlock, during a passionate night between the Dark Lord and my mother, who was a secret ally of his. After all, a true-blooded Necromancer is hard to find.
Edward: (Shocked) N–necromancy!?
Louis: What the hell is necromancy?
Edward: The darkest of all magics! Raising the dead back to life! It’s strictly prohibited! There’s very few who can perform it, and it rarely comes out right! Even if you succeed, if you’re not extremely powerful, you could end up killing yourself!
Mortem: (Scowling, almost offended) Yes, I AM a necromancer. My family and a few others are some of the last true-blooded necromancers, any others that raise beings like inferi are only scratching the surface of it. A true necromancer can casually create armies, call spirits as shades, amongst other things. Unfortunately, some people began to fear us because of our power–like your friend here (Glares at Edward). We were forced to keep it a secret due to some people hunting and killing us out of fear. Never mind how much we can help.
Louis: Don’t worry. I only kill those who attack me or my friends first. And I’m sorry about Ed. He’s very strict to his traditions.
Edward: (Looks away, feeling a bit guilty)
Mortem: Anyway, to prove his claims, the stranger performed a blood test on me. He told me that my mother hid me away in fear of what Voldemort could do to me. Why would an immortal being need an heir, after all?
Edward: Longevity does not mean eternal life. My sister and I have lived for nearly 200 years, yet both of us could die as soon as today.
Louis: I always forget how old you guys are.
Mortem: You have a point my friend but I am afraid my father would not see it that way. After Voldemort ‘died’ to the ‘Boy-Who-Lived’ for the first time, my mother cut all contact with him. She even turned him away when his spirit came to her for help. Oddly enough, Voldemort respected my mother’s wish and left us alone, although I suspect that was only because of their past relationship. Or more likely, he simply saw no further use from her.
Louis: At least the ugly bastard left you and your mom in peace.
Edward: So, was this when your father started conspiring with other dark wizards?
Mortem: Yes, before the start of the Second Wizarding War.
Louis: (Why does that almost sound like the “Second World War?”).
Mortem: Umbra then told me of my father’s secrets. That he forged alliances with powerful beings from other worlds. At first, he only wanted to reform the Wizarding World into a better place before insanity and hunger for power took his mind. Voldemort wanted someone to take his place should he perish.
Edward: And did you?
Mortem: I did. As mad as he was, I saw some value in my father’s ideals and wanted to make them come true. And if I had to be seen as the bad guy for it, so be it.
Louis: (I’m not liking this. Nothing good ever happens to those who wield too much power.)
Mortem: Umbra became the father I never had. His training combined with the otherworldly knowledge Voldemort collected, along with extra time from time-turners, made me even more powerful than Albus Dumbledore at his prime. I created an organization named ”The Forsaken” formed of people from other worlds who were shunned by light and dark. Its members include “The Devil of Paradise” Eren Yeager and “The Transcendent Being” Aizen Sousuke, the latter who became my partner in leadership.
Edward: (Slightly nervously) And, what’s your ultimate goal in all this?
Mortem: To rule the multiverse and establish peace across it by any means necessary. Now, any more questions?
Louis: Just one more: What’s the deal with the giant deathscythe?
Mortem: My scythe is called Harvester. I gained it after gathering three mystical artifacts given by Death himself.
Louis: Okay! That’s enough messing around! It’s time to get this show on the road! Let’s look into the weapons, armors, and skills of each winner to determine who would win a DEATH BATTLE!!!
(Ding!)
LINK:
Age: Probably 16 or 17
Nationality: Kingdom of Hyrule
Race: Hylian
Occupation: Hylian Royal Guard; Princess Zelda’s bodyguard; Hylian Champion
Theme:
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Louis: Before we get started, I want to advise you that this portion of the Prelude will have some pretty big spoilers for Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity. Although that game’s been out for a few months, it’s still relatively new as of the time of this writing. So if you don’t want to be spoiled, I’d advise skipping down to Link’s strengths and other stats.
Edward: Once upon a time there lived a wise old king and his smart, beautiful daughter Princess Zelda. They lived together in the Kingdom of Hyrule, a powerful yet benevolent empire within a peaceful land.
Louis: Why are you telling this like it’s a goddamn bedtime story?
Edward: I have to set the mood somehow!
Mortem: Louis, please let him talk, It sounds interesting like this.
Louis: Alright, alright. Just try not to drag it for too long.
Edward: Alright. One fateful day, the kingdom was attacked by a malevolent spirit known as “Calamity Ganon.” This monstrous beast was the culmination of hundreds of Ganons that each attacked and tyrannized Hyrule throughout the centuries. Calamity Ganon sought to destroy the kingdom to avenge the defeats of all of its ancestors.
Louis: With war on the horizon, the five races that made up Hyrule banded together and raised an army, choosing each of its greatest warriors as its Champion and leader. Each Champion was chosen to pilot enormous robotic weapons called “Divine Beasts.”
Mortem: Mechas? In a fantasy world? You see something new everyday.
Louis: If you think that’s unusual, try playing the Final Fantasy games.
Edward: The aquatic Zora people chose their kindhearted princess Mipha as their Champion. The unbreakable Gorons chose the proud and boisterous Daruk. The desert-dwelling Gerudo chose their village chief and strongest warrior Urbosa. The flying and free-spirited Rito chose the brash and cocky Revali. And finally, the Hylian Champion–and hero of this story–was a mere footsoldier in the Royal Guard.
Louis: The legendary Hero of Hyrule, Time, Twilight, and all other titles: The one–the only–Link!
From left to right: Mipha, Daruk, Link, Revali, Urbosa.
Edward: When the first wave of Ganon’s forces attacked, Link fought valiantly on the front lines, slaying hundreds of Bokoblins and Wizzrobes on his way.
Louis: In the midst of the chaos, he rescued Impa, a young Sheikah girl from the neighboring town of Kakariko. The two teamed up and successfully drove the remainder of Ganon’s army into retreat.
Edward: Link and Impa’s courage in battle earned the admiration of the king himself. They were both chosen to be the personal bodyguards of his daughter–Princess Zelda herself. Link in particular was deemed worthy of becoming the Hylian race’s Champion.
Louis: Lucky him! He basically got ordered to hang around with a gorgeous princess and a hot ninja girl! Who knew being Champion of Hyrule was such a sweet gig?
Link, you lucky son of a bitch.
Mortem: (Scowls) For Merlin’s sake, have some dignity!
Edward: You’re gonna have to get used to it, lad. He’s a shameless pervert, like most Frenchmen.
Louis: And you’re a couple of uptight prudes, like most Brits. Anyway, Link, Zelda and Impa were sent on a journey to recruit the four remaining Champions to fight Ganon. With all five Champions united, the Kingdom at last had an army large enough to push Ganon’s forces out of Hyrule.
Mortem: (Sarcastically) Lovely(!) So, that should be the end, right? The goody two shoes won, the bad guys are dead, and the kingdom is saved! The same cliche’d fairy tale ending, basically. Am I correct?
Louis:…..You’ve never played a Zelda game, have you? This feud between Hyrule and Ganon goes waaaaay back. All the way to the first chronological game in the series.
Skyward Sword is currently the starting canonical point of the Zelda timeline.
Edward: Aye, this franchise’s timeline is more long and complex than the Bible. To put it simply, Princess Zelda and Ganon are both descendants of an ancient and powerful god–the Goddess Hylia and the Demon King Demise, respectively. After Demise was defeated and sealed away, he uttered a curse in which he said his descendants would appear again and again to avenge him.
Louis: Each version of Ganon is a descendant of Demise; each version of Zelda is a descendant of Hylia; and each version of Link is a descendant or reincarnation of the hero from Skyward Sword. Every time Ganon is defeated, he returns years later in a different form, and the whole thing starts all over again.
Mortem: Even my father didn’t hold this kind of a grudge! Is there a way to kill Ganon permanently? I mean, I know a few ways but they are mostly too gruesome for most heroes.
Edward: That becomes the focus of Zelda and Link’s quest in Breath of the Wild’s timeline. You see, Zelda, Link and Ganon are all bearers of an ancient power called the Triforce.
Louis: Zelda possesses the Triforce of Wisdom, which makes her the most powerful user of light magic in the world. But her powers at this stage are latent, and she doesn’t know how to use them. Her mission was to find a way to use her power to seal Ganon away permanently, breaking the cycle once and for all.
Mortem: Now it all makes sense. So with all that in mind, did it all work out?
Edward: It would probably be better if you learned by playing the game or watching a walkthrough. But to make a very long story short…..
Louis: No. No, it did not. Despite all her efforts, Zelda wasn’t able to fully unlock her powers. This gave Ganon time to regrow his forces and change his plan of attack. His new strategy was to use his evil magic to hijack the Sheikah’s spider tanks–the Guardians–and turn them against Hyrule. Even the Divine Beasts were eventually corrupted and rendered useless by Ganon’s power.
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Edward: With their own weapons turned against them, the entire kingdom was brought to death and destruction. The Hylian armies were decimated, and villages and towns were burned to the ground. Four of the Champions lost their lives protecting Zelda. At the last moment, the Princess used her magic to create a barrier sealing herself and Ganon inside Hyrule Castle. Link was severely wounded and taken to a secret Shrine of Resurrection, where he rested for the next hundred years.
Mortem: (Curiously) So what happens then?
Louis: This is when we transition from Age of Calamity to Breath of the Wild. A hundred years have passed since the Second Great Calamity. Link is reawakened by hearing Zelda’s voice in his head. Unfortunately, he lost most of his memories as a result of being asleep for so long. He finds Hyrule a quiet, near-barren wasteland now ruled by Ganon and his minions. What little that Link does remember is what sets him on his new quest.
Edward: As the only surviving Champion, Link’s new mission is to restore his memories, reactivate the Divine Beasts, and destroy Calamity Ganon once and for all!
Louis: And that’s where we’re going to end this backstory, both to save time and prevent spoilers. If you wanna learn more, look at Link’s list of feats down below. And trust me–he’s got one hell of a resume!
FEATS:
– One of the very few survivors of the Calamity War
– Expert weapons specialist and archer
–While STILL amnesiac
– Discovered, explored and conquered over 120 Shrines:
–136 with DLC
– Infiltrated the Yiga Clan twice
– Regained the Master Sword (player-determined)
– Passed the Trial of the Sword
– Completed the Trials of the Four Champions
– Dueled Revali to a standstill
– Defeated Monk Maz Koshia, Master Kohga, the Four Blight Ganons, Astor, Harbinger Ganon, and Calamity Ganon (albeit w/help)
Mortem: After reading all these, I’m thoroughly interested to see what this man is capable of.
Louis: Trust me, we’re just getting started! With all that backstory out of the way, now we can go into more detail into his stats as a fighter.
STRENGTH:
– Constantly destroyed whole battalions of enemies in Age of Calamity:
–Including Hinoxes, Lynels, and Taluses
– Impossibly-deep pockets
– Pushes boulders several times his size and weight
– Wields weapons longer than he is tall
– Can break solid rocks w/good enough weapons:
— Actually ate and stomached rock sirloin
— No, seriously
Louis: Starting with his physical strength. Link may look no stronger than your average human male, but he’s got some muscles hidden beneath that blue tunic and slim frame!
Edward: To begin with, he can carry a whole armory’s worth of weapons, food, and travel items without tiring out. Although it does make sense considering his past as a Hylian Knight, as soldiers are often trained to carry heavy amounts of equipment for long distances. But even then, he must have some deep pockets.
Louis: And he had to have been pretty damn strong to survive out in the wilderness by himself for so long. He can push or roll boulders much larger and heavier than himself, chop down large trees in two or three swings, and smash large rocks into pebbles (if he’s using the right weapon). Also, since climbing is so prevalent in Breath of the Wild, Link has scaled many tall mountains by hand, without any climbing equipment, like he’s Spider-Man.
Edward: In combat, Link has slain all sorts of large monsters and fiends, usually on his own. In Age of Calamity, he’s capable of destroying whole battalions of Bokoblins by himself, though his allies are just as capable of doing the same. But Link takes it to a whole new level. In one particular memory, it’s revealed he can mow down small squads of LYNELS. Do you know how hard those things are to kill?! He can create small earthquakes by performing his famous Downthrust Attack!
Louis: (Sighs happily) I just LOVE that Down-Air! There’s never a situation where that move isn’t useful!
Louis: I won so many matches with that move.
Mortem: That other player was mostly just foolish.
Edward: Oi! Focus! Also in AoC, Link and the Rito Champion Revali fought to a draw during a duel, but had they gone on longer Link might have been able to defeat him.
Louis: For those unfamiliar, a Lynel is basically……a really strong and pissed off Lion/Centaur monster the size of a double-decker bus. Without training and preparation, taking on one of these bad boys is tantamount to suicide.
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Mortem: Is that all? An oversized kitty with a sword is child’s play compared to the things I’ve faced. It’ll take a lot more than that to impress me. Hell, my Animagus form is far more dangerous than nearly every cat in existence.
Edward: Boy, aren’t we humble?
Mortem: (Smirking) You want me to transform, Edward?
Louis: You guys can duke it out later. If that doesn’t impress you, Link has often explored and solved hundreds of shrines designed to test his courage and resourcefulness. There are 120 shrines in total, or 136 if you include the DLCs.
Edward: Each Shrine has a set of puzzles and obstacles that Link must solve his way through. And at the end of each Shrine is a boss fight, usually either a group of powerful enemies, or the Shrine Guardian himself. The final Shrine–which is unlocked by DLC–has Monk Maz Koshia as the boss.
Mortem: Your point?
Edward: My point is…..since Maz Koshia is the boss of the final Shrine, it’s safe to assume that he’s the elder and the most powerful.
Louis: Maz is also a Sheikah, so it’s very easy to compare him to other Sheikah with similar powers. Let’s say……Impa.
13th Best Nintendo Waifu that’s better than Peach
Edward: In Age of Calamity, Impa can produce Shadow Clones, cast explosive seals on enemies, and is a master swordswoman. She’s shown to be powerful enough to wipe our whole battalions of Moblins, though that may be slightly exaggerated for gameplay purposes.
Louis: Maz himself can also levitate, grow his size, and lift heavy metal objects via Magnesis. We don’t quite know the fullest extent of his powers, but being the boss of the final Shrine, it’s safe to assume that Maz is one of the most powerful of the Sheikah.
Mortem: (Impressive, I need to learn more about these beings) Could you please get to the point?
Edward: The point is, if Link is able to defeat Maz, that means Link can also be considered around the same level as Maz, if not higher.
Louis: And then there’s his most obvious feat of strength: Defeating Calamity Ganon. We’ve already seen how powerful Ganon is and what he was capable of in this timeline. Like Maz Koshia, Ganon also stands in the High 6 area, and yet Link was able to defeat him too.
Edward: Since defeating Ganon is his strongest feat at this point, we can safely say that Link stands solidly in the Multi-Continental Range in terms of power.
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(Author’s Note: Power scaling really isn’t my forte, so if there’s anything you like to add, please do so in the comments.)
Mortem: (Humms thoughtfully) After learning all of this, he reminds me of an enemy of mine. A very powerful and bothersome foe indeed. If this fellow Link is even half as strong, he’s clearly not someone to be trifled with.
Edward: And what enemy was this, pray tell?
Mortem: (With respect preserved for a worthy foe) “The Keyblade’s Chosen One” Sora.
Louis: The guy from “Kingdom Hearts”? I’m surprised you even met him at all. How difficult could it be fighting a borderline anime hero with a giant key for a sword?
Edward: (Almost laughs) My friend…..you are in for quite a shock.
Mortem: (With a look that says “Mortem has never heard such bullshit before”) What kind of ignorant question is that!? We are talking about the one who defeated the likes of “Mistress of All Evil” Maleficent, “The Superior in Between” Xemnas and…Master Xehanort himself. While Maleficent and Xemnas I can contend with, even I couldn’t hope to defeat Xehanort at his strongest. When he had the X-Blade (pronounced Chi-Blade), Xehanort had enough power to recreate the solar system and maybe even the entire universe over time. Sora defeated him and now has the very weapon Xehanort had. If he wasn’t too soft-hearted to use that on me, I would not even be here.
Edward: Aye, it’s quite fortunate that the Keyblade Master has such a pure heart. I can’t imagine even going against someone as powerful as that. (To Louis) So, does that answer your question?
Louis: (Feeling a bit stupid) Unfortunately…..yes. I’m sorry I underestimated him.
Mortem: (Huffs) You are forgiven. But try to remember not to judge a book by its cover. I lost too many allies and servants to Sora and his friends to underestimate them. Some you might even know about.
Louis: (Hesitantly) Like?
Mortem: (Humms) Let’s see, Draco Malfoy is a good example. After I turned him into a kaiju-sized Frost Serpent Heartless to make him more useful, he was powerful enough to freeze the entire Ministry of Magic.
Mortem: Yet he got absolutely torn apart by Sora and his allies in minutes. Sora did not even fight seriously yet he did most of the damage. By the time one of Sora’s new friends, Natsu Dragneel, did Draco in, his body was barely intact.
Louis: (How does this guy know so many people from different universes?) I would feel sorry for Draco here…..but honestly, I always hated the smug little prick.
Mortem: (Smiles cruelly) I should add that I turned him into a Heartless because he was too cowardly to gracefully accept defeat and tried to run away. I caught him and he dearly paid for his cowardice by getting turned into a mindless war beast. (Scowls) Such a waste, he was a useful one.
Edward: I’d say it’s a fitting end for a pompous little brat like him.
Mortem: (Scoffs) If only that was the case. Last I heard of him, he came out alive thanks to Sora but the insect that thought himself a dragon is no longer of any use to me and thus inconsequential.
Louis: (“Insect that thinks he’s a dragon?” I like that quote!)
Mortem: (Shakes his head) Enough of this, we talked too much already. Let’s get to Link’s other attributes. After all, having all that strength means nothing without the speed and durability to balance it out.
SPEED:
– Dodges hits from teleporting ninjas and monsters
– Reflects Guardian lasers
– Dodged attacks from Thunderblight Ganon
– Enhanced via “Flurry Rush”
Louis: At first glance, Link’s speed isn’t all that noteworthy. He has an average walking and running speed and tires out in seconds. Though that can be fixed with enough stamina containers to increase his meter.
Edward: However, if one looks more closely, Link is quicker than you might think! During combat, Link can dodge attacks from the foes he fights. If he times it perfectly, he goes into a state called “Flurry Rush,” in which his perception of time is slowed down to the point that everything around him moves in slow motion. This allows him to finish off enemies before they even know what’s happening!
Mortem: I know people that can stop time, I fought them and alongside them, even learned to do it myself but this is still a noteworthy skill.
Mortem: (Narrows eyes) Wait a minute, have I seen this–oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!
Mortem: He just ripped off Bayonetta’s “Witch Time”, the damn cheat! She is gonna tear him a new one once she finds out.
Louis: Bro, do you know how many games have some form of slo-mo mechanic? It’s so common these days it’s hardly ripping off anyone.
Edward: Aye, it’s really not worth getting all hot and bothered about. Moving on, Flurry Rush is actually so effective that it even allows Link to dodge lightning! Think about that!
Louis: Or if you don’t want to think because you’re not a nerd, some lucky player on Reddit actually recorded themself doing it!
Looks like I did a flurry rush by dodging lightning lol
Louis: Pay attention to the flashes of light within the lighting. Those are the strikes that Link made on the Lynel. There’s seven flashes, which means Link hit him seven times while he was in Flurry Rush.
Edward: And using the lighting bolt as a reference, it takes about 30 microseconds for lighting to hit the ground. That means that Link managed to get seven strikes in three one-millionths of a second!
Louis: Oh, God this is too much math. The point is, Flurry Rush makes Link capable of Near-Relative speed. If he wanted to, he can wipe out enemies before they even have a chance to react.
The Speed of Flurry Rush
(Mortem and Edward are eagerly reading the info on the page.)
Louis: (They’re actually bothering to read all that? Nerds.) As for his other feats, Link is fast enough to outrun boulders, perform stealth takedowns on the highly-trained Yiga Clan, and dodge attacks from Thunderblight Ganon. Who–Surprise!–Also shoots lightning.
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Louis: In fact, Link’s reflexes are so sharp that he can dodge laser blasts from Guardians, or even reflect them back with a simple backhand with a metal shield. Now, are you two done yet? We got more topics to cover!
Mortem: Please excuse us my friend. It is just so interesting.
Edward: Sorry, lad! I was just appreciating all the research the writer put into his blog!
DURABILITY:
– Tanked hits from a pillar-destroying laser beam
– May survive a lightning strike with the right amount of health
– Endured burning, electrocution, freezing cold, regular beatings, poison, and more
Louis: By now you all should have a good understanding of Link’s physicality, so we’ll speedrun the next few items. Link may look like a scrawny 17-year-old, but he’s one tough son of a bitch!
Edward: We’ve already mentioned he has defeated Lynels, Guardians, and all forms of Calamity Ganon himself. But he’s taken his fair share of knocks from all in each encounter.
Mortem: Are you saying that he survived such hits without life threatening injuries? I would have to regenerate an arm at least. Impressive.
Louis: Oh, he survives. But Link’s anything but invincible. If he doesn’t stock up on enough heart containers and food, he’s a dead man walking.
Edward: That’s correct! That’s why it’s imperative for him to go through as many Shrines as possible. The more Shrines he completes, the more Orbs he’ll collect that he can spend on more heart or stamina containers.
Mortem: (Chuckles) Another reason to be religious I guess.
Louis: (Chuckles) Well, I’m actually Catholic, believe it or not.
Mortem: As long as you don’t try to burn me or my kind at stake we are gonna get just along fine.
Louis: Don’t worry. Eddy and his sister are both magicians like you, so you’re fine with me.
Edward: (Don’t you dare try burning my sister either.)
Mortem: Would you happen to be a warlock or a sorcerer? I am talking about whether you use your inner magic or the world’s magic by the way.
Edward: Primarily a warlock, and my sister Emily is a healer. We both channel from our innate magic and manifest it in physical form.
Mortem: I am a warlock too, as are my people. I for one would welcome you two to my world.
Edward: Thank you! It’s an honor!
Louis: Alright, alright boys! Let’s save the initiation till the episode’s over.
INTELLIGENCE:
– Regular Puzzle-Solver
– Extremely pragmatic fighter:
— Exploits enemy weaknesses
– Uses stealth to kill enemies by surprise:
— Also used for hunting
Louis: Well, this would probably be the best part for you two.
Edward: As we’ve mentioned before, Link’s an absolute boss at dungeon crawling. He’s solved his way through many complex puzzles and traps in every shrine and Divine Beast he explored.
Louis: But in battle, he’s an extreme Combat Pragmatist who won’t hesitate to use less-than-noble tactics to get the upper hand. And I know Lily would love him because her personal motto is, “If it works, do it!”
Mortem: Smart. Merlin knows how many times moves like that saved my life and my allies.
Edward: But should he need to make a more subtle approach, Link knows how to conceal himself within his environment and take out enemies by surprise. As we’ve mentioned before, he managed to infiltrate the Yiga Clan’s fortress this way. TWICE.
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Louis: If only I was this good at Splinter Cell. I’m really bad at stealth games.
Edward: Aye. Usually your lass Liliana would have to do it for you! I guess it helps that she’s a professional thief!
Louis: Ex-thief. Don’t forget that.
Mortem: I can always let you borrow an invisibility cloak if you want. You just need to ask.
Louis: Thanks, but I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around. Ed would have better use of it.
WEAPONS MASTER:
– Skilled enough to use any type of weapon he finds
– Swords
– Spears
– Two-Handed Weapons
– Bows
– Shields
– Rods
– Expert Horseback Rider
Louis: Though the Champion of Hyrule is most comfortable with his trusty sword and shield like any game he’s been in before, he can easily wield just about any weapons he comes across! Spears, bows, maces, you name it! And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. He can use magic rods, gigantic leaves, or even comical squeaky-hammers.
Mortem: Wait, what?!
Louis: The development team got drunk one night. Anyway, typical of open-world games like this, Link is an expert of making use of any random piece of garbage he stumbles across. Practical or goofy, Link is not picky.
Edward: He’s particularly skilled with the bow and arrow! Even while aiming at airborne enemies on horseback, he can hit his mark relatively easily! In fact, I daresay he can even pin a fly to a tree–without killing it!
Louis: Now you’re just quoting Avatar. The Last Airbender, I mean.
Edward: Our boss wanted an excuse to make at least one Avatar reference. Just be glad it was the cartoon and not that rubbish M. Night Shyamalan film.
Mortem: (What in the world are they talking about!? Avatar? The Last Airbender? Aang, maybe? I’ll ask them later..) Excuse me, gentleman. Shouldn’t we move on?
Edward: Right, right!…Well, I believe we’ve spoken all we need about Link’s physical attributes.
Louis: And we’ve spoken how well he can use his weapons in battle. But now, let’s go over his arsenal in greater detail. Let’s head outside to the Firing Range to demonstrate!
(The other two follow him to the Firing Range.)
Louis: Welcome to the Firing Range, our newest addition to the DBHQ! It’s mostly based on the one from Battlefield V. Nobody who plays that game even uses it, so we decided to take it for ourselves.
Edward: We call it the Firing Range, but it can be used to test any sort of weapon or martial art. Also, one of our fellow writers invented a 3D printer that replicates any weapon we want to test. Simply enter which weapon you want, and it’ll do the rest!
Louis: Not only that, but he even added an AR Simulator that projects holographic enemies for us to test the weapons out on!
Mortem: Most impressive. That man–or woman–should get a raise.
Louis: I’ll let him know that. (If I remember). Anyway, let’s fire up the 3D Printer and get ourselves ready! (He pushes a button that activates the machine.) Sit tight, boys. It’ll take about two minutes to boot up.
(They stand by for three minutes until the machine is ready.)
Louis: Alright! Let’s do this!
Edward: Breath of the Wild has the widest array of weapons and gadgets in any Zelda game. There’s so many in fact that we had to cut off a good amount of them to keep this bio from going too long.
Louis: So for this Prelude, we’ll only include Link’s canon weapons, plus the ones used by the other Four Champions. Starting with…..
SHEIKAH SLATE:
– Basically a tablet
– Combines Sheikah magic with technology
– Link’s most valuable tool on his journey
REMOTE BOMB:
– Strong enough to destroy solid rocks and trees
– Explodes upon the user’s command
– Does not auto-detonate
– Sphere and Cube varieties
– Infinite in number, but comes w/ cooldown
MAGNESIS:
– Catches and moves metal objects
— Even weapons
– Reveals metal to user
STASIS:
– Locks objects and monsters in time
– Absorbs impacts for momentum upon release
CRYONIS:
– Creates up to three ice pillars from water
– Destroys similar ice structures
Louis:……The Sheikah Slate!
(He prints a replica Sheikah Slate from the machine. Mortem stares at it with curiosity.)
Mortem: Might I ask what this “Sheikah Slate” is exactly?
Louis: A marvelous little gizmo that combines the Sheikah Tribe’s magic and technology! It works by six built-in apps called Runes, which are downloaded in the form of distilled water that is loaded in every Shrine.
Mortem: (Confused silence)
Edward: Basically, it’s Nintendo’s way of showing off the functionalities of the Switch while you’re playing the game. “Look! It’s a console that’s also a bloody iPad! That makes us hip and relevant with the kids!”
Mortem: (Mumbles) Gummiphones make much more sense than these things and I can barely understand how those work.
Louis: Anyway! The Camera Rune takes pictures of any subject and stores the info into the Hyrule Compendium. Not particularly useful in a combat scenario, but it has its uses…
(He takes a picture of Ed. His info is saved onto the Slate.)
Louis: (Reading) Edward Elvis. Sex: Male. Age: 192. Nationality: Scottish. Species: Magical Human (Warlock). Sexual Experience–
Edward: DON’T YOU BLOODY DARE!!!! (Charges his hands with fire)
Mortem: (Sighs) Gentlemen, please…
(Black ribbons fly out of back of his shirt and restrain both, while taking the Sheikah Slate to himself)
Louis: What the hell!?
Edward: Agh, great! I believe we’ve pissed him off.
Mortem: (Exhales) I am not mad, just disappointed. Can’t we all just act like adults instead of children and get along?
Louis: (Sighs) Sure. We’re sorry.
Edward: (It’s as if my sister were here.) Aye. Let’s continue.
(Mortem gently releases both.)
Louis: Since you have the Slate now, I guess you’ll demonstrate. The Bomb Runes can deploy spherical or cube-shaped explosives that can be used for combat or solving puzzles. Please don’t try to blow up the place.
Mortem: I’ll try to not do that. I’ll warn you though, I am not good with these kinds of things.
(He presses the Runes on the device. A round bomb and a cube-shaped bomb appear.)
Louis: Unlike traditional bombs, which act on a timed fuse, these work more like C4. They only explode when remotely detonated by the Slate. If you throw them or kick them around, nothing happens. This makes them incredibly useful for solving bomb-related puzzles, or for planting explosive traps.
(He throws them towards a pile of bricks on an open field. Mortem presses the detonator. The pile explodes into a shower of tiny pebbles.)
Mortem: Blimey! This is quite deadly for a magic iPad-thing!
Louis: And the best part–the bombs infinitely respawn! Although they have a short cooldown after use, you can pretty much spawn one and use it as many times as you like! Try that for fireworks next Fourth of July!
Edward: Or Fifth of November. Mortem and I are British, remember? Now, Magnesis sends a red tractor beam that lifts heavy metal objects and lets you remote-control them like a drone. The larger objects tend to be more difficult to move, but you generally should be able to control it. Try picking up that school bus with Magnesis.
(He taps the Rune. A pair of large red beams attract the bus. Mortem raises the Slate back and forth, moving the bus in each direction. He presses the Rune again and drops the bus.)
Mortem: I can see why this thing would be useful for solving puzzles!
Edward: And to make things better, you can use it to steal enemy weapons and batter them into submission. It’s so fun to do in Age of Calamity. But against things like wood or stone, it’s useless.
Louis: But some puzzles require stopping objects in motion, which is what Stasis is for. Stasis freezes the momentum of any moving object for ten seconds, and can even suspend it in midair! This can also be used against enemies!
Edward: And that’s not all! While frozen, the object actually stores kinetic energy being forced upon it. For example, if you use Stasis on a boulder and then whack it a few times, the boulder flies in the direction you hit it once the spell wears off!
Louis: Try it on that SUV and you’ll see what he means!
(Mortem casts Stasis on an SUV. Louis slashes at the car a few times with his sword and then backs away. The vehicle launches and hits the ground about thirty feet away.)
Mortem: So far, this thing seems pretty useful. It’s a camera, a supermagnet, a remote bomb detonator, and even a time stopper all in one! Is there anything else it can do?
Edward: Aye, there is one last thing it can do: Cryonis, which casts an ice spell on any body of water that creates a pillar of ice. Link can create up to three ice pillars, which he can use as stepping stones or makeshift barriers. He can use Cryonis again to break the pillars should he no longer need them or shatter opponents’ own ice constructs.
Louis: Although I always wonder why he never slips off of those things. They are made of ice after all. Anyway, while not quite as useful in combat, Age of Calamity added a new feature–Cryonis will actually freeze opponents if they’re touching the water that spawns the pillar. Shame we don’t have a pool or lake to test it on.
(Mortem creates a large crater with a few remote bombs and fills it with water with a wave of his scythe.)
Mortem: Would this work?
(Ed and Lou look at each other and shrug.)
Both: Sure.
(Mortem uses Cryonis to create three ice pillars on the water. He then breaks each one with the same Rune.)
Mortem: Makes me regret not taking any Ancient Runes lessons during my teen years.
Edward: Well, I daresay you’ve passed this course with flying colors! Good work, lad!
Louis: I will need the Slate back though, if you don’t mind.
Mortem: Of course. (Gives the device back to Louis.)
Louis: Thanks. Now, we’ve covered the basic features of the Sheikah Slate, but there’s one extra feature we haven’t mentioned. One that’s only unlocked after all Shrines are cleared and Monk Maz is defeated. Say hello to…….
MASTER CYCLE ZERO:
– Obtained after defeating Monk Maz Koshia
– Can be summoned in any outdoor location
– Limited fuel, but easily-replenished
– Should it ever be destroyed, Link can summon a new one
(He presses the Master Cycle Zero Rune. Ed and Mortem are shocked.)
Edward: WHAT!? A goddamn MOTORBIKE!?
Louis: Not just any motorcycle! The Master Cycle Zero! This badass hog can be summoned at any outdoor location at any time just by pressing the Rune! It runs at 36 miles per hour (58kph) and is completely immune to fall damage! It uses any random materials Link may find as fuel, which is so plentiful in Hyrule that running out is never a huge deal. And if it ends up destroyed, Link can just summon another one at no extra charge! Who needs Uber when you can just make a motorcycle pop out of thin air!
Mortem: (Eyes wide, still shocked) Forget Gummiphones! I need to order someone to make some of these!
Louis: If Lily were here, she would demand me to get this for her birthday!
Edward: Oh God, I don’t even want to think of the mayhem that girl would cause if she could call a motorcycle whenever she wants.
Louis: (Ignores that) Oh, right. There’s one other vehicle I haven’t mentioned. It’s nothing noteworthy so let’s go over it quickly.
PARAGLIDER:
– Great for sailing through the air
– Consumes stamina the longer your gliding
(Ed prints a Paraglider from the 3D printer)
Edward: The Paraglider is……exactly what it sounds like. It’s a piece of cloth tied to a wooden frame that acts as a hang glider. It works the same way as a kite, using wind pressure to keep itself airborne as it gently glides downward.
Louis: Link gets this early in the game and uses it frequently to jump off high towers and mountains. It can also be used in conjunction with Revali’s Gale-we’ll get to that later. And now! With the appetizers out of the way, let’s get into the main course!
Edward: Food puns now?
Louis: Hey, man! I’m hungry! Anyway, let’s talk about Link’s actual weapons!
Edward: A short caveat here. There are so many weapons to choose from in Breath of the Wild that it would take bloody hours to list them all in this episode. Thus, we’ve chosen to limit them to Link’s standard arsenal and the four Champion weapons.
Louis: We also won’t use any special armor or clothing for this episode for the same reason. Link will wear nothing but his standard blue tunic and brown pants for this fight. So without further ado, let’s start with Link’s most iconic weapons!
MASTER SWORD:
– Used famously by past Links to vanquish Ganon.
– Unbreakable:
— Must recharge after 40 hits
– Fires sword beams at full health
– Takes the life of those unworthy to wield it
HYLIAN SHIELD:
– Toughest shield in Breath of the Wild:
— Completely fireproof
– Earned by knights of the Hylian Royal Guard
(Lou prints out a replica of the Master Sword and Hylian shield.)
Louis: The Master Sword and Hylian Shield are arguably the most famous sword and shield weapons in all of gaming, let alone Zelda. They’ve appeared several times in the series, each wielded by a different Link.
Edward: And in each appearance, the Master Sword was used to vanquish the evil Ganondorf and his army of minions. It often appears resting on a pedestal inside a temple or forest shrine, waiting for the chosen hero to claim it.
Mortem: Much like that of King Arthur and Excalibur then?
Edward: Precisely!
Mortem: (Bewildered) What’s this?
Louis: Oh. That’s just a clip from Disney’s Sword in the Stone. Our writer wanted to add some illustration.
Mortem: I think this is far more fitting for a legend such as “The Once and Future King”.
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Edward: Look, lads. It doesn’t matter which version you prefer as long as you’ve got the idea. Alright?
Louis: Anyway, unlike Excalibur, picking up the Master Sword isn’t as easy as just walking up and grabbing it. In Breath of the Wild, it actually drains the life out of anyone unworthy to wield it! If Link doesn’t have at least 13 heart containers, it will kill him! You really need to get to work on those Shrines if you want to get this sword!
Edward: Aye, getting the Master Sword is one hell of a chore, but the payoff is definitely worth it! It boasts a notable power level already, but after besting the three Trials of the Sword, Link was able to unlock its true power, effectively doubling its strength. It’s also the only weapon with infinite durability, which means it never breaks!
Louis: But my favorite part of the Master Sword? If you swing it while at full health, it actually shoots laser beams!
Edward: However the sword has two minor downsides. One: it will get weaker the more times it’s used, and will eventually have to recharge.
Louis: Two: It’s the only weapon that can’t be thrown. But even that’s hardly an issue because–again–laser beams.
Mortem: Why on Earth would they craft a magical sword that needs to be charged like a mere battery? Sounds pretty pointless and unusual for a sword.
Louis: (Exasperated) I know, it sucks. Basically, it’s Nintendo’s way of making sure you don’t cheese through the campaign with the best weapon in the game. Your other weapons are kinda obsolete if you have one that never breaks.
Mortem: I see. Well, I suppose I’ll let it pass if it’s a gameplay concern.
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Louis: Having the best weapon in the game is all fine and dandy, but every sword needs a shield! Now let’s talk about the Master Sword’s favorite counterpart!
Edward: The Hylian Shield was passed down through the Knights of Hyrule, the royal family’s personal guard. The design on the shield is actually the crest of the royal family itself! Link often comes across this noble shield on his adventures and uses it as his primary means of defense.
Louis: And good thing too, because this bad boy takes a lot of punishment! Look at these numbers! It’s the single-toughest shield in the entire game.
Edward: Not only that, but the fact that it’s made of metal makes the shield immune to fire (although I always wonder why it never conducts heat). If used correctly, it can even be used to deflect lightning or laser beams from Guardians! The Hylian Shield will eventually break with enough damage, but it will take a great deal of abuse for that to happen. Or if you recklessly surf down hills and slopes like a complete dobber.
Louis: And like with the sword, getting the royal shield is no walk in the park. Royal Guards in training had to earn one by slaying a giant cyclops called a Hinox. Link got his in the same way, only he fought a skeletonized version called a Stalnox.
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Louis: And now…..(Draws sword and shield)….Let’s get to the fun part! Begin simulation!
(A set of holographic Moblins appear. Lou slices at the first two and bashes the next with the shield. He swings again and fires a blue beam at three more targets. He slices the next two horizontally at once. He shield bashes the last target and plunges the sword down to its throat. The simulation ends.)
Louis: (Laughs) J’adore mon travail!
Mortem: (Clapping) Impressive swordsmanship, my friend.
Edward: I’m just glad those were only holograms you butchered. Don’t expect me to clean up the guts of real targets.
Louis: Yeah, yeah. (He places the replica sword and shield back on the rack). Now that we’ve covered Link’s personal weapons, let’s go over the ones gifted to him by his fellow Champions.
Edward: A bit of backstory before we start. At this point in the tale, all four Champions other than Link are dead. Their spirits still haunt the Divine Beasts that they were assigned to before death. Each time Link restores a Divine Beast and kills the monster corrupting it, he’s rewarded with one of the personal abilities used by the other Champions.
Louis: In this case, I think we’ll start with everyone’s favorite Zora waifu, Mipha.
LIGHTSCALE TRIDENT:
– Originally wielded by Mipha
– Strong but fragile
Louis: Hey, Mortem? Do you want to take this one? Since you have a scythe, I figure longer weapons are your specialty.
Mortem: Hmm, I guess I can give it a try.
(Mortem drops the Harvester and takes the Lightscale Trident, giving it a few experimental swings and nods to his fellow hosts.)
Mortem: Okay, what do you want me to do?
Edward: Just stand by and we’ll start the sim after we’ve finished explaining.
Louis: Now, the Lightscale Trident is a masterpiece of Zora blacksmithing. As beautiful as it is deadly, it was the personal weapon used by the Zora Princess and Champion, Mipha.
Edward: Such poetic words there, Lou. My sister must have left an impression on you. The trident is made of a special material that makes it very lightweight. Falling into a spear-class weapon, it puts heavy reliance on distance and precision rather than speed or strength.
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Louis: And that’s about it! Hit it! (Begins the simulation)
Mortem: (Chuckles darkly) This is gonna be fun.
(The necromancer leaps at the Moblins and starts to destroy them faster than eye speeds. Stabbing them in their stomach and heads, toying with the simulations with sadistic glee. This continues for a few seconds until all of them are dead.)
Mortem: (Smiling) Oh, I needed that.
Louis: Woah. That. Was. AWESOME!!! (Pats Mortem on the back. He places the trident back on the rack). We should spar after this!
Mortem: It would be my utmost pleasure.
Edward: (Good Lord, I’m working with two blade-wielding maniacs. Artoria help me.)
GREAT EAGLE BOW:
– Originally wielded by Revali
– Fires three arrows at once:
— At the price of one…somehow
ARROWS:
– Regular Arrows
– Fire Arrows
– Ice Arrows
– Shock Arrows
– Bomb Arrows
– Ancient Arrows
Louis: Alright, Ed! It’s your turn! (Hands the Great Eagle Bow to Edward)
Edward: Oh, God. I’ll try, but I haven’t touched a bow since my archery classes in 1885!
Mortem: Oh, quit your blubbering. If you miss, I make sure your arrows hit their mark.
Edward: (Sighs) The Great Eagle Bow was wielded by the Rito Champion Revali.
Louis: Y’know. Revali. The annoying, pompous Falco wannabe nobody likes.
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Louis: (I always hated that guy)
Mortem. (That guy strongly reminds me of someone.)
Edward: Well, douchebag or not, we can at least credit him for having a good weapon and being one hell of an archer. His bow fires not one–but three arrows at once! And guess what? It only costs one arrow to do that, so you’re not wasting arrows.
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Edward: And while we’re on the subject of arrows, let’s talk about the kinds of ammo Link can use!
Louis: Regular arrows are…..pretty much that. They’re the most common and have no special qualities. BO-RING!
Edward: Fire arrows set targets ablaze. Ice arrows freeze them in place, and can be used as an alternative to Cryonis. Shock arrows electrocute foes, which can also paralyze and disarm them, strengthen during rainstorms, and create electric shockwaves on contact with water. Bomb arrows cause a huge explosion upon impact!
Louis: And my favorite–the Ancient Arrow–is basically an upgraded Bomb Arrow! When fired, it triggers a blast so powerful that it can one-shot a Guardian!
Mortem: Most impressive.
Louis: For this sim, we’ll let Edward use one of each to demonstrate. You ready, Eddy?
Edward: (Readies the bow. Exhales deeply.) Aye. Let’s go!
(Five holographic targets appear downrange. Ed fires an arrow into the head of one Moblin. He shoots the flame arrow into another, causing it to scream and run around comically as it burns to death. The third and fourth targets get hit with the ice and shock arrows, respectively. One freezes into an ice sculpture while the other one gets zapped to death. The fifth target is hit by an explosive arrow and gets blown apart. Ed aims the Ancient Arrow at the final target–a Guardian. He hits the machine’s eye, causing it to explode tremendously. The simulation ends.)
Louis: WOO-HOO!!! Damn nice shooting, Tex! I knew you could do it!
Mortem: (Grinning sadistically) I’ll never get tired of this. Anyway, good job mate.
Edward: (Blushes) Well–of course I could do it! It was a simple matter of timing and accuracy! Any simpleton could do it!
Louis: Weren’t you just complaining that you couldn’t do it?
Edward:…..I was purposely trying to mislead you, so that you’ll be surprised that I could–(Sighs) Okay, fine. I really didn’t think I could do it.
Louis: You are a hot mess, my friend.
Mortem: Let’s just move on.
BOULDER BREAKER:
– Originally wielded by Daruk
– Two-handed weapon to Link
– Super Effective against stone enemies
(The Boulder Breaker appears from the 3D printer. The handle releases, causing the hammer to fall to the floor. )
Louis: Now, the Boulder Breaker….(He attempts to pick it up.)….is really fucking heavy! Seriously, what the hell!? This thing’s heavier than Mjolnir!
Edward: Out of the way, you’re doing it wrong! (He moves in and tries to lift it, but also can’t.) Bloody hell! How do they expect humans to lift this godforsaken thing!?
Mortem: As much as I find your struggling hilarious, we need to move on.
(He casts a feather-light charm to make the hammer lighter. Edward picks it up in surprise.)
Edward: Ah! Th–thank you. (Passes it to Lou, who takes it.)
Louis: God, that was embarrassing. But I guess it’s fitting because Goron weapons are too heavy to be wielded by normal humans. This giant hunk of rock belonged to the Goron Champion Daruk. This thing is so massive that even other Gorons had difficulty lifting it, though Daruk and apparently Link can use it with no problems.
Edward: Granted, Link needs both hands to use it. This two-hander relies more on strength and sweeping motions to compensate for a lack of speed or precision–like trying to swat a fly with a sledgehammer.
Louis: Like all Goron weapons, this monster isn’t only useful in battle, but can also be used as a mining tool for jewels and other minerals. It’s main use, however, is for defeating the giant stone monsters that live in Death Mountain. Taluses and Pebblits are no match for this giant hunk of metal.
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Louis: (Lifts the Boulder Breaker) Okay, start the sim!
(Three holographic monsters appear. The first two are Stone Pebblits and the third is a Talus. The Pebblits strike at him, but he dodges and runs along the arm of one. He smashes the hammer into the jewel of the first Pebblit, and it crumbles into dust. He jumps to the other and does the same, instantly killing it. Lou dodges a few more attacks from the Stone Talus and gets behind it. He climbs up the monster’s back and reaches the jewel. He smashes the jewel five times and destroys it, killing the monster and ending the sim.)
Louis: You ever want a building demolished, you won’t find a better tool than this!
Mortem: Thanks, mate. But I believe a scythe works best for me.
Edward: Yes, well, I suppose swinging a club around like a bloody caveman has its uses.
Louis: Watch it, or I’ll get prehistoric on you with this next time! (Places the Boulder Basher back on printer.) And now, let’s get to the last Champion weapon in the arsenal!
SCIMITAR OF THE SEVEN & DAYBREAKER SHIELD:
– Originally wielded by Urbosa
– The only twin Champion weapons
Edward: The last Champion weapons we’ll look at are the ones belonging to Urbosa, the Champion of the Gerudo Tribe.
Louis: AKA, the 6th Best Nintendo Girl Who’s Better than Peach!
Mortem: (Confused)…What?
Edward: Oh, that was from a silly Top 15 list that our boss and one of his friends wrote. They placed Urbosa in 6th place.
Top 15 Nintendo Waifus that are better than Peach!
Mortem: (Stares at the two awkwardly, dumbfounded)…Okay? Let’s just…move on.
Louis: (Prints out the two weapons and equips them) The Scimitar of the Seven and the Daybreaker Shield are the only dual Champion weapons in the game. As you might expect, they function very similarly to the Master Sword and Hylian Shield. Not nearly as tough or handy, but useful in their own rights. Single-hand swords offer the best defensive options with their shield counterparts, making them the most well-rounded weapons and the easiest to use.
Edward: It’s been said that Urbosa was so skilled with her weapons that her fighting almost seemed like dancing in battle.
Louis: I think there’s a lot of truth to that, given how she fights in Age of Calamity.
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Edward: And yes, she can summon lightning on command! Trust me, we’ll get back to that.
Mortem: Very impressive. It’s a shame that this Urbosa woman was killed. She might’ve made a decent challenge for some of my allies.
Louis: (That’s a battle I’d pay money to watch.) Now, let’s start the final simulation!
(Six holographic Yiga Clansmen appear. Lou thrusts the scimitar through the first one and beheads the second. He blocks a downwards attack with the shield and cuts the third Yiga across the belly. He then shield bashes the fourth one and slices him vertically before killing the fifth one. Lou moves onto the final one, a Yiga Captain, and blocks multiple attacks from him. He attacks the giant several times and brings him to his knees, before impaling him through the face. The Captain is killed, and the simulation ends.)
Louis: Is that all? If those chumps were the kinds of guys Urbosa fought, I feel sorry for them!
Edward: Don’t get cocky just because you killed a bunch of holograms.
Louis: Like you weren’t when you used the bow?
Mortem: Boys, boys! Both of you were impressive. Can we move on now?
Edward: Aye. Let’s head back to the Research Room and finish Link’s part of this Prelude!
(They all leave the Firing Range and head back inside to the Research Room.)
Louis: Okay! Now, we’ve seen the weapons that the Champions blessed Link with on his adventures. But those aren’t the only gifts they’d bestowed on the savior of Hyrule.
Mortem: Oh, great. So what is it this time?
Edward: Each time Link reactivates a Divine Beast, he’s granted a special power from one of the four Champions. Those being Mipha’s Grace, Revali’s Gale, Daruk’s Protection, and Urbosa’s Fury.
Louis: Each one becomes helpful and even vital in some cases for Link later on. However, they each can only be used for a certain amount of time before cooling down. Let’s go through each of them in order.
CHAMPIONS’ BLESSINGS:
MIPHA’S GRACE:
– Revives Link if he is dealt a mortal blow
– Bolsters health w/4 more hearts
– 24-Hour recharge
Edward: Mipha’s Grace is basically an extra life. If Link is dealt a mortal blow, it will restore him and add a few extra hearts to his count. And in a game like this where death is extremely common (bloody fall-damage!), you’ll need this power! It’s also why most people clear Mipha’s chapter first, by the way.
Louis: That, and she’s the 11th Best Nintendo Waifu on the list.
Mortem: (Sounds very useful but what the fuck is a waifu!?)
Louis: The only downside to Mipha’s Grace is that it can only be used once, and has the longest cooldown of all the Blessings. It takes a full in-game day to recharge.
Edward: Even with this Blessing, Link can’t afford to get reckless. He may get a second chance if he dies, but he won’t get a third!
REVALI’S GALE:
– Upward draft that carries Link several feet upwards.
– Useful for obtaining heights
– 6-minute recharge (2 in Hyrule Castle)
Louis: Revali’s Gale is–in my opinion–the least useful one.
Edward: At least for combat, anyway. It creates an updraft of wind at Link’s feet that pushes him several feet into the air. This makes it useful as an exploration tool for climbing mountains or towers without using any stamina. It also can be used to give him a much-needed height advantage, letting him rain arrows from on-high while he sails away to safety.
Louis: It can be used up to three times and has a 6-minute cooldown, making it one of the quicker abilities to recharge. But even so, while it has its uses, Revali’s Gale is a lot like its namesake–a blustering sack of hot wind.
DARUK’S PROTECTION:
– Automatically protects Link from all manner of attacks
– Reflects projectiles
– 18-minute recharge (6 in Hyrule Castle)
Louis: By comparison, Daruk’s Protection is much more practical! It projects a magic barrier that protects Link from all sorts of attacks! It even repels the laser blasts from those damn Guardians!
Edward: And not only does it block projectiles, but even sends them back to the attacker!
Mortem: Like a mirror? Very nice, and much more useful than Revali’s Gale.
Louis: Daruk’s Protection doesn’t take away Link’s mobility, so he can move freely while using it. It’s also very reliable since it has up to three uses and an 18-minute cooldown. So if Link happens to lose or break his shield, Daruk’s Protection will keep him covered.
URBOSA’S FURY:
– Calls down lightning
– Best used in Link’s immediate range
– 12-minute recharge
Edward: The last Blessing is the aforementioned Urbosa’s Fury, and it’s definitely the best one for use in combat!
Louis: Basically, it allows Link to summon a storm of lightning by performing a spin attack with his weapon. The range of the lightning is indicated by a green field of effect around Link.
Edward: The lightning has an incredibly wide range and can insta-kill or severely-wound lower-class enemies. Even the super-strong Hinoxes and Lynels are less of a threat with Urbosa’s Fury equipped, taking out chunks of their health while being stun-locked long enough for Link to go to town on them.
Louis: Best of all, it has three uses and only takes 12 minutes to recharge. You’d best stay away when Link calls down the thunder. You’re likely to get zapped.
Mortem: Overall, Link sounds like a mighty warrior. But even the strongest beings have their weaknesses. Link is no different, am I correct?
Edward: It would be an unfair match if he didn’t have any weaknesses. Let’s go over them quickly, shall we?
WEAKNESSES:
– All weapons other than the Master Sword are breakable
– Tires out if stamina is exhausted:
— Stamina recharges quickly, thankfully
– All blessings have a cooldown time
– Needs special equipment to survive harsh environments
Louis: We’ve already mentioned most of these, so let’s just summarize them. First off, all of Link’s weapons other than the Master Sword can be broken if overused. Also, there’s a limit to how much stamina he can exert, although that can quickly recover if he resets for a few seconds.
Edward: As we’ve just discussed, all of his Blessings have limited uses and a set cooldown time, so he needs to use each one sparingly. And finally…..well, I’m sure everyone knows what happens if you wear metal armor during a thunderstorm. If you need a hint, take a look at the GIF above.
Louis: But anyway, that’s it as far as Link’s weaknesses go! Aside from those minor flaws, he’s got very little to worry about! He survived the Calamity War, freed the Divine Beasts, slayed the evil Ganon, and restored peace to Hyrule! And if Breath of the Wild 2 is any indication, he’s bound to do it all over again!
Mortem: But will he be able to take on Mordor’s infamous “Grave Walker?”
Louis: Let’s find out tomorrow when we cover Talion’s half of this episode!
(“Link… You may not be at a point where you have fully recovered your power or all of your memories, but courage need not be remembered, for it is never forgotten.” )
(Princess Zelda)
BONUS VIDEO!!!
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(DING!)
(A day passes. The next half of the Prelude starts)
TALION/CELEBRIMBOR:
– Alias: The Gravewalker
– Affiliation: Rangers of Gondor (formerly); Army of the Bright Lord
– Occupation: Ranger Captain; Warlord; Enemy of Sauron
– Species: Human/Half-Wraith/Nazgul
– Theme Song:
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Louis: Alright! We’re back and ready to do the second half of this show! Let’s go over the feats, strengths, and weapons of Talion of Gondor!
Mortem: One question before we start. I have many allies in Middle-Earth and they’ve shared with me much of their universe’s history. While there are a few differences, Talion’s universe is very similar to the “canon” universe. So, may I lead the way for this part of the episode?
Edward: We’ll need all the help we can get, so be our guest.
Louis: But try not to drag it out for too long. Just tell us the stuff that’s important to this episode.
Mortem: As you wish. In the beginning, Talion was a captain of the Rangers of Gondor at the Black Gate. He was a noble, yet humble man with a loving wife and a devoted son. They lived a happy, peaceful life along the border of Gondor, but were under constant threat of invasion by the Dark Lord Sauron’s forces in Mordor.
Louis: His wife must’ve been constantly terrified by the thought of her home attacked by monsters at any moment.
Mortem: One day, the Black Gate was attacked by an army of Uruks, led by three Black Númenórean captains; Hammer, Tower and their leader, the Black Hand of Sauron. The Black Gate was quickly overrun, and most of the Rangers slain. Talion and his family were the only ones taken alive, and they were each killed as part of a dark summoning ritual.
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Edward: So the story just began, and our hero is already dead!?
Louis: Too bad he didn’t have Mipha’s Grace to help him.
Mortem: Not exactly. You see, they were sacrificed to summon the wraith of Celebrimbor, an ancient elf who died centuries ago. Though his spirit was awakened, he lost most of his memories from when he was alive. Meanwhile, Talion’s spirit sought revenge on Sauron for taking his family and his life away from him. Seeing their goals as mutually beneficial, Celebrimbor and Talion fused their bodies–
Louis: Wooooah, we’re getting into some Yaoi territory, here! Then again, with all that fanart I’ve seen with them…..
Edward: (Slaps him upside the head) You know that’s not what he meant, you tosser!
Louis: (Rubbing the back of his head) I was just KIDDING, Ed! God, how does your sister put up with you!?
Mortem: (In a laughing fit, trying and failing to catch his breath) So…(Still laughing)…So…(Can’t stop laughing)..Give–me–a minute–please.(He asked between taking deep breaths)
Louis: (Wow. I didn’t even know he could laugh).
Edward: (I guess everyone has a sense of humor.)
Mortem: (Finally able to stop laughing) Ahem! Sorry about that! It’s just the thought of that prude and Talion together that makes me laugh. Anyway, the two of them returned to the living world and went on a journey to restore Celebrimbor’s identity and avenge the Talions family. They spent much of their time uncovering Celebrimbor’s past while being a constant pain in the arse of Sauron’s army. Eventually, the two would learn that Celebrimbor was in fact the forger of all of the Rings of Power, including the infamous One Ring.
Louis: Ah, I remember this. This is when the story of Lord of the Rings began, when Sauron raised an army of orcs to conquer Middle-Earth. At some point, the human prince Isildur led an army of humans and Elves and eventually thwarted him. After Sauron’s death, Isildur took the ring for himself until he was killed in an ambush, and the Ring ended up in the hands of Gollum.
Edward: That’s all correct. And I’m impressed you actually knew that! Did you read Tolkein as a child?
Louis: No, I watched the movies and played the video games because I have a life.
If you have Dolphin, download these RIGHT NOW.
Edward: (Cheeky blighter.) But I have one question. Maybe there’s some part of the story that I missed, but I don’t remember there ever being a Celebrimbor in the novels. Where did he come from?
Mortem: From the Silmarillion, a collection of mythopoeic stories that explore the history of the Middle-Earth. From its creation to the “War of the Ring”. But that’s a rabbit hole we don’t have time to crawl down. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. When Sauron constructed the ring, he empowered it with an evil curse…
(Mortem clears his throat and starts to speak in an inhuman voice.)
Ash nazg durbatulûk.
Ash nazg gimbatul.
Ash nazg thrakatulûk.
Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
Louis: What the hell is he saying!? Ed, did you catch a word of that!?
Edward: Yes. It’s called Black Speech, and it’s a language that only exists in Middle-Earth. It’s so rare, in fact, that most people in Middle-Earth don’t even speak it. The only ones who know it are servants of the Dark Lord Morgoth and his successor, Sauron. Translated, it roughly means:
One Ring to rule them all.
One ring to find them.
One ring to bring them all.
And in the darkness bind them.
Mortem: (Claps politely) Very good, Edward! It delights me to see that one of you didn’t learn his Tolkein from video games alone!
Edward: (Smiles smugly at Lou)
Louis: (Exasperated) Let’s just get back to Talion! So, Celebrimbor made the goddamn Rings! Then what?
Mortem: Celebrimbor caught on to Sauron’s evil intentions and took the ring for himself. He used the Ring’s power to gather an army of orcs and nearly kılled Sauron in a duel. Unfortunately, Celebrimbor was defeated because of the Ring’s allegiance to the Dark Lord. In revenge for Celebrimbor’s betrayal, Sauron murdered his old friend’s family in front of him, before slowly torturing him to death with his own hammer.
Louis: Oof, so both Talion and Celebrimbor’s families were essentially murdered by the same guy? No wonder they hate him! Come to think of it, have we ever actually seen Sauron without his helmet?
Edward: Y’know, that’s a good point. I’ll bet he looks absolutely hideous witho–
(They all stare at him, completely shocked.)
Mortem: HOLY MORGANA’S TITS! No wonder Maleficent married him!
Edward: Never. Show that. To Emily.
Louis: Agreed. Wait–Sauron and Maleficent are married? Since when? Actually, tell me that later. So what happened after Celebrimbor got back his memories?
Mortem: You don’t wanna know. Anyway, after recovering his memories, Celebrimbor and Talion returned to their quest to avenge both their families. They made several allies, including a former Ranger named Hirgon, a scheming yet cowardly orc named Ratbag, and a tough warrior princess named Lithariel.
Edward: They’ve made quite the motley crew of allies.
Mortem: Indeed. Eventually, Talion and Celebrimbor faced the three Black Hand leaders who murdered Talion’s family, killing them all in single combat. However Sauron intervened by possessing the Black Hand’s body and almost killed Talion. It was only thanks to Celebrimbor crippling the Dark Lord from inside that saved Talion’s life.
Louis: But wait–how could Sauron kill Talion if he’s already dead?
Edward: Talion is only “alive” because of his possession by Celebrimbor, correct? Basically, Sauron was trying to remove the elf from Talion’s body, causing him to bleed to death from the cut made in his throat from when he was sacrificed. If all that sounds confusing, just watch the video below.
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Louis: Damn. So without Celebrimbor, Talion’s pretty much toast, am I right?
Mortem: Exactly. And this comes into play again in the sequel, Shadow of War.
Louis: Which honestly, is the one in the series most people play anyway. Especially if you’ve watched the Let’s Play series by TearOfGrace.
Mortem: (Confused) I’m sorry, who?
Edward: Oh, he’s a chap on YouTube who makes videos of Shadow of War and The Binding of Isaac, and a few other games.
Louis: He actually really sucks at the game, but I love him because of how much fun he has playing it. Seriously! If you’re reading this and haven’t heard of him, we’ll post his whole compilation video at the bottom as a bonus! Sorry. So, how does everything thus far lead to Shadow of War?
Mortem: Although they’d defeated Sauron’s physical body, his spirit is still alive and his army of Orcs ever growing. To combat this, Talion and Celebrimbor climbed to the summit of Mount Doom and used Sauron’s forge to make a New Ring–one filled with the power of light instead of darkness.
Mortem: After the New Ring was finished, Celebrimbor was suddenly kidnapped by an unknown spirit. Talion put on the New Ring to keep himself alive and went to save his friend. He tracked Celebrimbor down to the cave of Shelob the Spider-Queen. Shelob, who had her own vendetta against Sauron, demanded Talion to give her the New Ring in exchange for the elf wraith’s freedom.
Louis: Give up his ultimate weapon to a shady spider demon!? C’mon, he wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that!
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Louis: TALION!!! YOU SIMP!!! YOU JUST GAVE HER YOUR ONLY ADVANTAGE AGAINST SAURON!!!
Edward: Good grief! And what’s with this franchise making its villains look like damn supermodels?
Mortem: (Barely holding his laughter) A-After getting the Ring, Shelob used it to see into the future and directed Talion towards the last Gondorian stronghold in Mordor, Minas Ithil, which housed a Palantír.
Louis: What, does he need five more Rings to summon Captain Planet?
Edward: Not a Planeteer, a Palantír! Basically a crystal ball that’s used for communication and to see events in other parts of the world, whether past or future.They can be used to scope out the lands of Mordor and find secret locations and items.
Mortem: All correct. As they made their way to Minas Ithil, Talion and Celebrimbor found the city under siege by Sauron’s army. The two argued over their objective. Talion wanted to help his fellow Gondorians but Celebrimbor was only interested in the Palantir.. In the end, Talion was able to convince his partner and they met the city’s defenders: General Castamir, his daughter Idril, and his lieutenant Baranor.
Left to Right: Castamir, Idril, and Baranor
Louis: Oh, hell yeah! They finally got a Black man in this series!
Edward: Can we please not step on that landmine?
Mortem: (Ignoring Louis) With Talion’s help, the Gondorians sabotaged the Orc army’s attempts at entering the city. However, Castamir eventually betrays them, allowing the army into the city and giving the Palantir to the Witch-King of Angmar.
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Edward: Is everyone in this game a complete numpty!?
Louis: (Shocked) I thought Talion giving up his Ring was stupid, but why in Gandalf’s name would Castamir sell out his army–not to mention his daughter–to the ENEMY!?
Mortem: He was hoping that the Witch-King would spare his daughter in return, only to get bashed by his mace and killed. (Muttering) Fool. (Continuing) His daughter did survive, eventually helping Talion to rescue Baranor from Uruk-Hai.
Edward: At least those two ended up okay. Although I don’t think Idril will ever be visiting her father’s grave.
Louis: I wouldn’t blame her either.
Mortem. Agreed. Anyway, Talion eventually regained the Ring from Shelob, and used it to gather Uruk-Hai for his army against Sauron. One of their first recruits was a big, boisterous Olog named Brȗz the Chopper.
Louis: About damn time! Finally we get to the best part of this game!
Mortem: Talion even met up with an old friend during one of his takeovers , Ratbag and his new Olog friend, “Ranger.”
Ranger and Ratbag. Almost sounds like the title for a cartoon.
Edward: That’s gotta be incredibly annoying if Talion’s nearby.
Mortem: (Chuckling) Probably. However, things didn’t always go Talion’s way. Bruz betrayed him and led a rebellion after being denied the title of an Overlord. After a (completely stupid) campaing of revenge, Talion punshed Bruz by shaming him, making him deranged for life.
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Louis: (Shudders) Man, I’d hate to end up like that. I guess that’s what you get for backstabbing the Bright Lord.
Mortem. As “Ranger” said, “You’re a cruel one, Gravewalker.” While Talion was busy building his army and kingdom, an Orc necromancer named Zog started a fanatical cult, with the goal of independence for all Orcs from both the Dark and Bright Lords.
Zog the Necromancer
Mortem: Their goal was to gather enough souls to summon an ancient beast of destruction called a Balrog.
Louis: If they wanted Balrog in this game, I’m sure all they had to do was call Capcom.
Edward: Are you being this stupid on purpose?
Louis: (Chuckles) Yeah, I am. I just love driving you two crazy.
Mortem: (Frustrated) FOR MERLIN’S SAKE! We are talking about THIS Balrog!
Louis: Okay, okay! No more jokes, promise!
Edward: Don’t trust him, mate. Believe me.
Mortem: (Clearly not believing Louis either) Sure. To prevent his return, Talion needed the aid of the Forest Spirit, Carnan. Although they intervened in Zog’s rituals several times, they couldn’t prevent the return of the General of Balrogs, Tar Goroth. Talion, Celebrimbor and Carnan had to fight the monster in order to stop him. Ultimately, Carnan plunged Tar Goroth into an icy lake, where he remained indefinitely frozen. As she foretold, “Undeath will defeat undeath.”
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Mortem: This is a very impressive feat on their part, defeating possibly the second strongest Balrog in existence.
Louis: Not as impressive as this, though!
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Mortem: Durin’s Bane was a runt compared to Tar Goroth! A grunt Balrog against THE Genera!? There is a reason I called him the second strongest Balrog. Who do you think is the first? Their lord, Gothmog.
Louis: WB Games should totally make that thing a boss if they ever make a “Middle-Earth 3!”
Edward: Alright, you’ve made your point clear. Let’s get back on track, shall we?
Mortem. Of course. With his plans thwarted by Talion, Zog had a backup strategy of building an undead army with all of the Orcs Talion slain. And who wouldn’t be one of the zombie soldiers but…
Edward: See!? This is why necromancy is forbidden! It brings you back, but only as a mindless, undead shell!
Mortem. Necromancy my arse! This is nothing but mockery of true necromancy. An Inferi-magical zombie-Uruk or Olog would be a much higher grade than whatever those abominations made by Zog are and Inferi are but mindless, savage puppets.
Louis: Let’s just get to the part where Talion kicks Zog’s ass and move on, shall we?
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Louis: There we go. Clearly this game has a really long plot and we need to wrap up this summary, so can we skip to the endgame, please?
Mortem. Well, to make things short: Talion and Celebrimbor allied with a female Elf named Eltariel. The three of them unite to stop Sauron’s Army from crossing the Bridge of Barad-Dur.
Louis: Why am I getting flashbacks to “A Bridge too Far?”
Mortem: At the end of the battle Talion fights the Nazgul of Isildur and frees the soul of the fallen king. Celebrimbor was angered by this because he wanted to dominate Isildur and add him to his army. He ultimately abandons Talion for Eltariel, leaving the former to die slowly. This would have been the end of the Ranger’s story, except…..
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Mortem: Now empowered by Isildur’s ring, Talion became a Nazgul. He led an army of ghost soldiers to Minas Morgul and defeated the Witch-King. With the city conquered, Talion took the Palantír and observed Celebrimbor and Eltariel’s battle against Sauron. Though they’d nearly won, Sauron triumphed when Celebrimbor tried to dominate him….
Louis: (Opens his mouth to make a joke.)
Edward: Don’t even try it.
Mortem: Eltariel lost two of her fingers in the duel, including the ring.
Louis: Damn, that really has to hurt. Not to mention a waste of such a valuable weapon.
Edward: Well in the DLC, Eltariel does use the Ring again in her own campaign, but that’s another story.
Mortem: After seeing that, Talion decided to use Minas Morgul as a fortress to keep Sauron’s forces contained in Mordor. He resisted the Ring’s corruptive power and kept the region in a perpetual state of war for decades. In the end, Talion could no longer resist the Ring’s power, and became one of Sauron’s servants.
Edward: And thus, the good man that was Talion of Gondor was no more.
Louis: Like a wise man said, “you can either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain.” It’s never an easy choice to make.
Mortem: But thankfully, there’s a happy ending to this. Years later, two Hobbits named Frodo and Sam destroyed the One Ring, destroying Sauron and the Orcs once and for all. Talion and the rest of the Nazgul vanished as well, never to appear again. In his last and permanent death, the Ranger found his family in the afterlife and was finally at peace.
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Louis: That is a really sweet ending! But what happened to Celebrimbor and the elf chick?
Mortem: Celebrimbor was also released from Sauron, but his story after that is unknown from here. Eltariel stayed in Mordor and continued her own war against the Dark Lord. And as for Baranor, he went to the desert country of Lithlad and joined his brother’s mercenary company. But those are all stories for another day.
Louis: Unfortunately, we don’t have time to go over their stories for today, so let’s get over to the Firing Range and test out Talion’s weapons!
FEATS:
– Forged the new Ring of Power
– The bane of Uruks and Ologs, even when outnumbered
– Held his own against three Nazgul, including the Witch-King
– Defeated Ghuls, Caragors, Graugs, and Drakes
– Resisted Isildur’s corruptive Ring for decades:
— Eventually succumbed
Louis: Here we are again! Give me a few minutes to warm up the 3D printer and the simulator.
Mortem: (Casting a cooling charm on himself, thinking “Ugh, why is it so bloody hot out here? I hope we get through this weapons test soon.”)
Edward: Yesterday, we examined all of Link’s primary and canon weapons that he wielded in Breath of the Wild. Unlike the Champion of Hyrule, Talion has only used three primary weapons on his journey: A sword, a bow, and a dagger. So this will go a lot faster than our previous test.
Mortem: I sure hope so, this place is hot as a Balrog’s fire.
Edward: It wasn’t my idea to set this place in the middle of an African desert. (Looks at Louis.)
Louis: Hey, blame DICE for building this map, not me!
(The 3D Printer and simulator boot up. Lou puts in the information for the first weapon.)
Louis: Okay! Like Edward said, Talion is a very practical man who isn’t overly flashy about the weapons he uses. Talion’s weapons have no special qualities, but he knows how to use them well enough to get the job done. Also, they’re far more durable than any of Link’s weapons.
Edward: Throughout countless battles, Talion’s weapons have never been even worn down or damaged. They’re just as reliable and deadly as they were when they were first made! For the sake of accuracy, we’re not going to include any of the unlockable weapons in Shadow of War. We’ll only discuss the canon ones used by Talion within the story.
Louis: And the first on our list is the sword made famous by all Rangers of Gondor.
WEAPONS AND GEAR:
URFAEL:
– Talion’s sword from his days as a Ranger
– Primary combat weapon
– Never breaks or gets worn down
– Name translates to “Fiery Gleaming Brilliance”
(Louis prints out Urfael and grabs it.)
Louis: The Urfael is Talion’s trusty sword, given to all Rangers who achieve the rank of Captain. Urfael is made of Gondorian steel, which makes it not only sharp and durable, but lightweight as well. Even after Talion’s death, the sword never left his side and continued cutting down Orcs and Ologs by the hundreds!
Edward: In terms of magic or supernatural qualities, Urfael has none whatsoever to speak of. But that’s hardly an issue when you consider Talion’s skill in battle and his powers with the Ring.
Louis: Also, I’m just curious. “Urfael.” What does that name mean, exactly?
Mortem: It’s a Sindarian word meaning “Fiery Gleaming Brilliance.” Sindarian is the ancient language used by the Elves. Fitting name for the sword belonging to the Bright Lord himself.
Louis: I’ll say! “Fiery Gleaming Brilliance?” That’s a pretty kickass name! Alright, start the simulation!
(A holographic gang of four Uruks and an Olog pop up. The first two charge in with spears, which Lou dodges easily. He decapitates the one on the left and slices the other in half down the middle. Louis charges and thrusts Urfael through another Orc and parries an attack from its friend before slashing him down. The humongous Olog tries to smash Louis with the club, only for the latter to slide under it. He climbs up the monster’s back and plunges the sword into his head. The dead Olog falls to the ground as Louis jumps off with a roll. The simulation ends.)
Louis: Whoo! “Fiery Gleaming Brilliance” is right! This sword definitely lives up to its name!
Edward: It is quite a reliable blade. But at the end of the day, it’s no different than any other sword. Its real power comes from Talion’s ability to wield it properly.
Mortem: Quite right. But our Ranger is not the only one with a weapon. When in need of a long-range solution, Celebrimbor has a handy tool of his own–his trusty bow, Azkar.
AZKAR:
– Celebrimbor’s bow
– Fires ghostly elf arrows:
— Kills just as easily as normal arrows
— Can be fired into fire pits or grog barrels to set off explosions
Louis: Hey, Ed! Ready to practice your archery again?
(Programs the 3D printer to print out Azkar.)
Edward: (Smiles confidently) Aye! I’m ready now!
Louis: You look more confident than you were yesterday.
Edward: Now that I know I can do it, it’s no longer a problem!
Louis: That’s what I like to hear! (Hands Azkar to Edward)
Mortem: Here you go, champion. Good luck!
Edward: Thank you! Now, as we mentioned before, Azkar is an Elvish bow belonging to Celebrimbor. After the elf died and became a wraith, his bow took on a new, phantom form.
Louis: This applies to his arrows too. Its ammunition consists of ghostly white Elf arrows that are invisible to living eyes. These arrows are just as capable of killing enemies as real ones.
Mortem: They’re surprisingly quite explosive too! Elf Shot can be launched into fireplaces or flammable barrels that create massive fiery explosions.
Louis: Okay, Ed! Are you ready?
(Edward walks to a spot on the Firing Range. He pulls the bowstring, and an arrow appears)
Edward: Ready! Start the sim!
(Five Uruk targets appear downrange. Ed quickly shoots down the first two in the head. He catches the third on a watchtower. He shoots the target through the chest, and the Orc falls to his death. He spots the fourth one peeing on a bush and shoots him in the groin. He fires the last one at a grog barrel, blowing up the fourth and fifth targets.)
Edward: Done! Did you enjoy the fireworks?
Louis: Damn fine shooting, Ed! Although I didn’t expect you of all people to shoot someone in the balls.
Mortem: (Clapping) Marvelous, simply marvelous performance Edward! Louis is right though, I never thought you would do something uncouth as that, even to a hologram.
Edward: (Blushes) Well….he shouldn’t piss in public! Agh, let’s just get to the next weapon!
ACHARN:
– Talion’s dagger (actually his son’s shattered sword).
– Used for assassinations
– Also used as a secondary melee weapon
(Louis programs the 3D printer to build Acharn.)
Louis: Acharn is classified as a dagger, but is actually a broken sword belonging to his late son Dirhael.
Edward: On that note, Acharn wasn’t the sword’s original name. It’s an Elvish word meaning “Vengeance,” as a reminder of Talion’s drive to avenge his family’s murder at the hands of Sauron.
Louis: As a dagger, it’s not very practical in combat, but it’s deadly useful for use in stealth kills and takedowns.
Mortem: (Gesturing to the dagger) May I?
Louis: Be my guest!
(Mortem glabs the dagger, gives a few experimental swings and then looks towards Louis)
Mortem: I am ready Louis.
(Lou starts the simulation.)
(Various buildings and orcs appear, orcs stationed like guards around the arena. Mortem takes a look around, takes out an invisibility cloak and vanishes from sight. A few seconds pass. An orc disappears, leaving behind nothing but a bloodstain where it once was. The remaining orcs are scared into high alert, but they all too fall one after another, all perishing to a silent killer. After the last orc dies, Mortem reappears with a bloodstained Acharn. The simulation ends.)
Mortem: (Smiles sinisterly) Well, that was fun.
Louis: (Jesus, that was scary. I’m sure glad he’s not our enemy.)
Edward: (We’re doing a show with a menace to society.) Well done, Mortem. That was quite…..terrifying.
Louis: How did you take them all out so quickly and silently?
Mortem: (Blushing) It was really quite simple: all I needed was an invisibility cloak, some silencing charms, a scent-masking charm and a hovering charm. Any competent magic user can do it.
Edward: Fascinating. I guess when you don’t have the ability to turn invisible on command, you use what you can.
Louis: Anyway, we’ve covered the three basic weapons in Talion’s arsenal, but now it’s time for us to go over his most powerful tool. The incredible device that gave our undead Ranger powers and an army that easily rivals Sauron’s!
NEW RING OF POWER:
– Allows Talion to recruit Uruks into his army
– Also used to shame or expel Uruks (with the chance of deranging them)
– Keeps Talion tethered to the living world
– If removed, his fatal neck wound will reopen and slowly kill him
Mortem: Ah, the New Ring of Power, the most important weapon in the “Gravewalker” and elven wraith’s arsenal. An object….only a fool would use. I hope we are not replicating this?
Louis: (Groans) We’re not gonna demonstrate it? Why not?
Mortem: (Looks at Louis, VERY unamused) Because if we do, then there is a huge chance that Celebrimbor will try to possess us. And I have no desire to become a puppet…(whispering) not again.
Edward: Alright, alright. We’ll respect your wishes. Now, the New Ring of Power was forged by Talion and Celebrimbor as a way to counter Sauron’s dark army. Its main purpose is to dominate enemy orcs and Recruit over to the ringbearer’s side. However, higher-ranked enemies have strong wills and need to be weakened in combat before they can turn. And some orcs can’t be turned at all, even at low health.
Louis: Talion can also use the ring to Shame enemy orcs or Expel allied ones, leaving a permanent handprint burned into their face. Normally shaming an enemy only lowers their rank, but sometimes the action comes with the unfortunate side effect of making them irreversibly deranged.
Edward: Which is a fate you never want to experience. At best, you’ll become a rambling mess like Brûz. At worst, you’ll become a mindless lunatic on an endless violent rampage.
Mortem: Which is exactly why I don’t want the damn ring to be replicated! It is no better than Sauron’s!
Louis: I don’t understand, though. If the wielder has pure motives, wouldn’t they be able to withstand the ring’s power?
Mortem: In most cases, no. Even if with good intentions, the wielder can easily be corrupted by the Ring’s power. And that’s not even mentioning Celebrimbor, who’s completely consumed by his need for revenge against Sauron at all costs.
Edward: Exactly. There’s a reason Gandalf entrusted Sauron’s Ring to Frodo.
Louis: That’s really a shame though. Imagine how epic it would be if Gandalf raised his own army of Orcs against Sauron.
Mortem: (Opens his mouth, closes it, then shrugs) Okay, I’m not going to lie. That would be pretty epic.
Edward: In any case, our hero Talion has more than just a piece of fancy jewelry on his side. His true skills lie with his extensive Ranger training, his skill and experience in battle, and the new powers he’d acquired since becoming a wraith.
RANGER SKILLS:
– Superb triathlete
– Skilled spy and assassin
– Expert Swordsman
– Skilled runner and parkour expert:
— Quickly scales large buildings and cross beams.
— Gains greater distance by double jumping
— Can fire a bow while in mid-air.
Louis: Even in life, Talion was built like an Olympic weightlifter with the dexterity of a parkour expert. Ironically, being a ghost makes this even easier for him because his ethereal body makes him run much faster and climb impossibly high ledges without any equipment, and even leap farther by double-jumping!
Edward: Being a Ranger, he’s also trained to quietly take down Uruks while in hiding. He can also use stealth to sabotage enemy weapons or poison barrels full of grog.
Louis: And of course, we don’t need to explain how good he is at fighting hand-to-hand. Y’know, I always wondered, what exactly is grog and what does it taste like? I mean, the Orcs seem to love drinking the stuff, so it must be good.
Mortem: I wouldn’t try drinking it if I were you. I heard that not only does that stuff smell disgusting, but it’s potentially toxic to humans.
Louis: Ugh! Never mind, then!
Edward: Well, whatever you do, DO NOT let my sister anywhere near that stuff! Emily drinks faster than a sailor on shore leave!
Louis: Wait, your sister actually drinks!? How are you two related?
Mortem: (Scoffs) You are asking me? You know, the son of a murderous psychopath? I am the last person you should ask about family resemblance.
UNDEAD:
– When killed, Talion returns to Mordor as a wraith
– Not factored in Death Battle. If he’s defeated once, he loses.
Edward: Anyway, as we’ve mentioned before, Talion is tethered to the living world through his connection to Celebrimbor. As long as their bodies are fused, he can never die, even when he’s defeated in battle.
Louis: Which is another reason to have a Ring of our own!
Mortem: (Ignores him, deciding there’s no point in arguing) Of course, this won’t be a factor into whether or not Talion wins. If he’s defeated once, he’s considered the loser. Although he will be revived in the Epilogue, if we decide to make one.
AMPLIFIED PHYSICAL ABILITIES:
– Enhanced by Celebrimbor’s powers
– Further enhanced w/ Isildur’s Ring
– Elven Light casts fire, frost, or poison explosion.
– Stun attacks cause his foes to be frozen and shattered.
– Uses Celebrimbor’s glaive to hit multiple foes.
– “Might Bar” triggers special attacks such as Execution or Elven Light.
– Health Drain:
–Drains enemy health and adds to his own
Louis: Onto the more practical stuff. All of Talion’s skills have been dramatically enhanced thanks to his fusion with Celebrimbor. For example, his Ice Storm attack freezes Orcs in place, leaving them open to several rapid strikes. He can also materialize Celebrimbor’s glaive and use it to push away crowds.
Edward: Elven Light causes Talion to release a blinding flash of light that stuns multiple foes, and Bursting Arrow allows him to fire exploding arrows into fire pits without needing to strike them. Most of his skills can be modified in certain ways, giving him an almost unlimited variety of attacks! Elven Light can be changed to release fire or poison instead of pure light, and Bursting Arrow can summon Ghuls or Spiders after detonating fire.
Louis: The sky is truly the limit with all the moves Talion can pull, and there’s way too many to list in this bio. If you want to know more, please look at this video.
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Mortem: On that note, do you two mind if I go on a quick tangent?
Ed: Aye! By all means!
Mortem: If we were to scale Talion’s strength to that of other characters, he should be more or less equal to Eltariel. Whilst wearing the Ring, she was able to match Sauron himself, who easily threw around Numenorian soldiers like ragdolls…
“FOOOOORE!!!”
Mortem: And in another game, The Battle for Middle Earth II, he could destroy large fortresses with a swing of his mace
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Mortem:…And even kill Mumakil in two shots
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Louis: What the hell is a “mooma-keel!?” Am I gonna need a dictionary for this franchise?
Mortem: Mumak, plural Mumakil, are these things.
Mortem: They are basically giant, twelve-meter tall elephants used as mobile fortresses.
Louis: Why not just call them “elephants”, then? I mean, that’s exactly what they are.
Edward: Is it any different from all the nonsense words used for all the creatures in Zelda?
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Louis: God, that commercial in the beginning did not age well.
Edward: Sometimes, it’s best to go with the flow. The more questions you ask, the less answers you get. Anyway, please continue, Mortem.
Mortem: To put it simply, Talion is Middle-Earth’s equivalent to the Hulk, at least in terms of physical power. But unlike Hulk, who is all raw brute strength, Talion is much more tactical and skilled with swordsmanship and magic.
Louis: Sounds a lot more like Geralt of Rivia than Hulk, to be honest.
Edward: Whatever comparison floats your boat, mate. The point is, we have a clear idea of who Talion scales up to. Let’s move on.
WRAITH WORLD:
– Enhanced Tracking Abilities
– Foresight
– Enemy Scanning
Mortem: Through Celebrimbor, Talion can access the Wraith World–a dimension that only undead beings like himself can access. In this state, he can follow trails left by enemies, see objects and creatures hundreds of yards away, and scan enemies and allies by–
Louis: (Disappointed) It’s Eagle Vision.
Mortem: (Caught off guard)….What?
Louis: (Counting on his fingers) Eagle Vision from Assassin’s Creed. Detective Mode from Batman. Survival Instincts from Tomb Raider. This kind of thing is in literally every action-adventure game ever! Do we even need to go over this?
Edward: I have to admit, they are quite similar. I’m fairly sure most readers have played enough games to know how this works.
Mortem: Fair enough. Let’s move on, then.
DOMINATION:
– A form of mind-control
– Interrogation, Earning loyalty, etc.
– Used on Orcs, Caragors, Drakes, and Graugs
– Requires weakening (like Pokemon!)
– Once broke Sauron’s hold on Isildur
Edward: Since we’ve already discussed how Domination works while talking about the New Ring, we’ll keep this one short. Domination is a sort of “mind control” that Talion performs through the New Ring. He uses his hand to project a power that infects the minds of Uruks, allowing him to Recruit them into his army or Shame them if he so pleases.
Louis: He can also use the same power to bring animals like Caragors, Graugs, or Drakes into his side. While the common grunts are easy enough to control, higher-ranked need to be beaten down before being recruited. Sort of like in Pokemon, now that I think about it.
Edward: Also like in Pokemon, some Captains are too damn stubborn to bring to your side and need to be Shamed first to lower their level. But even that comes with its own set of problems. Sometimes, Shaming an enemy results in them becoming deranged, which can severely lower or raise their rank and permanently change their behavior.
Mortem: (Smiles joyfully) While we are talking about that, I have a surprise for you guys.
Edward: What surprise?
Mortem. (Laughs, gestures towards the training grounds) Come with me.
(They both look nervous at whatever Mortem means.)
Edward: C’mon, Lou. Let’s see what Satanic horrors lie in wait for us.
Louis: (Such a drama queen.)
(They each follow him to the Firing Range.)
Mortem: (Still smiling) Now, Edward, Louis, say hello to my little friends!
(Suddenly three portals open out of nowhere and out of them come three familiar creatures)
A Drake…
…A Graug…
…And a Caragor.
Mortem: (Gesturing towards the animals with a big smile) So, did you like my suprise?
Edward: Where the bloody hell did you get those!? On second thought, please don’t answer!
Louis:…..Our insurance covers the damages caused by mythical creatures, right?
Edward: THAT’S what you’re worried about!?
Mortem. Don’t worry, they are trained. I brought them here so we could show our audience how these creatures are used by Talion and his servants.
Louis: (Draws sword, smiling) Nice! Do I get to fight them?
Edward: (Lowers Louis’ sword) Let’s just let them do their thing, shall we?
Mortem: (Smiles viciously) Yes, let’s. (Whistles to get the attention of the animals) Boys…
(A group of hologram orcs appear)
Mortem: (Points at the orcs)…Sic em.
(Each creature roars loudly and starts to fly, lumber or run towards the Orcs. The Drake breathes fire upon them and then lands among the burning orcs battering them away and biting them apart. The Graug crushes and bashes the Orcs into fine paste and finally, the Caragor straight up jumps into the pile, tearing the Orcs apart with its claws and teeth like knife through butter. In the end, all that remains of the horde are ash, crushed and torn apart corpses. The holograms disappear, leaving the creatures confused.)
Mortem: (Smiles serenely) Aren’t they magnificent?
Louis: WHOOOOO!!! THAT WAS EPIC!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!
Edward: I pity any real Orcs or humans who have the misfortune of fighting those things.
Louis: Just imagine, though, having an entire army of not only soldiers, but monsters, dragons, and sabertooth tigers on your side!
Mortem: And even if all those fail him, Talion has one more resource to draw troops from. Now, let’s get back to business.
(He sends the animals away with promises of entire cows for dinner.)
NAZGUL FORM:
– Necromancy:
— Resurrects fallen allies at the cost of weakening them
Mortem: (Smiles devilishly) After acquiring Isildur’s Ring, Talion was gifted with the power to summon the ghosts of long-dead Gondorian soldiers to fight on his behalf. He can also revive allied Captains or Warchiefs who’ve fallen, although in a much weaker state.
Louis: Oh, boy. It’s your favorite spell, Ed! Necromancy!
Edward: (With dread) And let me guess. You’re going to demonstrate for us?
Mortem: (Chuckling) Unless you learned to raise dead within a day Edward, yes, I am.
Edward: (God forgive us.)
(He raises his hands, almost like challenging an invisible foe, and then green smoke-like energy starts to pour out of him. Finally he starts to chant in a haunting language. Suddenly, a ghostly army of Orcs, Uruks and Men appear out of nowhere.)
Mortem: Louis, if you please?
Louis: (Draws sword) Ce serait avec plaisir!
Mortem: (Smirking) CHARGE!
(Lou charges and plunges his sword through the first phantom and beheads the next. Both fall to the ground and disappear into mist. Louis takes out his Mauser pistol and shoots at a group of dead Uruks that meet the same fate. A pair of ghosts attack from behind, only for Lou to dodge them and cut them both down. Another dead Gondorian thrusts his spear at him, but Louis captures it and impales the ghosts through the face. The remaining ghosts are all shot down by the last rounds in Louis’ pistol.)
Louis: Is that all you got!? Gimme more!
Edward: I’d rather us not commit any more sins against nature, if you mind!
Mortem: (Pouts) Spoilsport, and when I was just getting started too. But fine, have it your way.
Louis: We’ll do it again when it’s over, huh? Well now, I think we’ve nearly covered all of our bases regarding the Bright Lord of Mordor. All that’s left now is to go over how he can be defeated.
WEAKNESSES:
– Can’t fight overwhelming numbers for long
– Only 2-3 chances to avoid death blows with Last Chance ability.
– Enemies with No Chance will kill him if he’s knocked down
– Without Celebrimbor or the Ring, will die as a normal man
Louis: Lucky for him, Talion’s weaknesses are so few and specific that it’s surprisingly hard to kill him. However, on the off chance his opponent can exploit them, we still need to discuss them. First off, while he can hold his own against a crowd, he will eventually get overwhelmed and forced to retreat.
Edward: In addition, some enemy Captains have a special skill called “No Chance,” which results in him being executed instantly if knocked down. However, he can sometimes negate this with the “Last Chance” ability, which gives him a chance to counter a fatal blow and regain some health.
Louis: But the most crucial weakness has to do with Talion’s undead status. As long as he’s fused to Celebrimbor or Isildur’s Ring, he can continually come back every time he’s killed. Without either of those, Talion will die permanently as a normal man.
Mortem: Even so, good luck getting in range to actually cut his fingers off like Isildur did Sauron. For better or worse, Talion the Ranger has been Mordor’s longest nightmare and Gondor’s strongest protector. He led a decades-long campaign against the Dark Lord and left an endless trail of Orc corpses in its wake.
Louis: In their blood he stood tall, as the fading light of Man shone behind him.
Edward: Until his time burned away and his embers faded to gray, Talion cast a long shadow on the fires of war, until nothing was left to be burned.
Mortem: Well said, the both of you! And thank you for helping me make my official Death Battle debut!
Louis: Thank you for joining us and providing all your help!
Edward: And I’m sorry that we got on your nerves a whole lot. My co-host and I bicker more often than we should, but we never mean any real harm with it.
Mortem: No harm done, Edward. Regardless, it was a pleasure to meet you both. Well then, I believe my work on this is done for now.
(Mortem opens a portal behind him.)
Mortem: Till we meet again! (He walks through the portal and vanishes.)
Louis: Damn. I was hoping he’d make another army of ghosts for me to fight……Hey, Edward?
Edward: Not even in your dreams.
(“We fought and suffered. But still we stand. There is a new power in Mordor: you! In the days ahead, we will fight other battles and claim other fortresses. But starting today, Mordor belongs to you! Mordor belongs to the BRIGHT LORD!!!”)
(Talion)
BONUS VIDEO!!!
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SPECIAL THANKS TO MY NEW FRIEND AND FELLOW DB WRITER, SobekApep, WHOSE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT LORD OF THE RINGS AND HIS CALCULATIONS MADE THIS PRELUDE POSSIBLE.
(Sherry – “Are you guys like… boyfriend and girlfriend?)
(“If there is a God who rules this world, it is a stern, solemn, and definitely a good being. A being that is far too great. God keeps forcing us to confront these cruel fates. As those were the rules of this world! Oh, God… I’ll slice you into tiny pieces and feed you to the pigs! Our battlefield is no place for that piece of shit, God! I think it’s time we took over God’s work. We, soldiers, will take God’s place. Put the arrogant ass, God, out of a job! All right troops… It’s time for war!”)
If only Syndrome had taken Edna’s advice.
Link and his harem.
Mobile Suit Gundam Crossbone manga, Volume 1, page 33
(Artwork Commission by Pepsi-Jem.)
….IS SHANOA.
